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A little note on the character of Leroy. I think your writing of him is really very good. You've done an excellent job of making him someone we can hate easily, so hopefully this either means he is a bad guy in disguise or he is going to die a flaming horrible death, whcih would be really satisfying. I haven't read the end, so I'm hoping for the flaming death thing because this guy is really ticking me off, especially his treatment of his wife and the other people around him, I can understand where Tom is coming from with wanting to punch Leroy earlier on. Now, back to the script:
Okay and we're back. I really don't have very much to say about the sequences to follow that. I thought that the scenes in the police station were very nicely written with some creepy stuff going on and I felt Kerry's frustration at trying to get everything across to the cops. It's a good scene. Major twist with having the Sherrif slit that guy's throat, or at least is my understanding of the thing. Sicne I haven't read the ending yet I don't really know where this is all going, but it sure was something I hadn't been expecting, and then to bring back that character from the church was really cool. Nice work.
Creepy cold church out in the middle of nowhere that no one knew even existed. A very nice, eerie touch. It is these kinds of things that make a screenplay truly scary, at least for me anyway, but then again I'm usually scared by the subtle things. It's a great little scene, very atmospheric and then to have that Keane guy show up again is really cool.
Quoted Text
FATHER KEANE (sullen) It’s a catchphrase I know, but I’ve been expecting you.
Yes it most definately is a catchphrase, but you acknowledging the fact that it is indeed a catchphrase kinda makes it okay for you to be saying it in a weird way, like if you acknowledge that something is a cliche then its accepted. It's a strange kind of thing, but it definately works, so I'm glad he said that he knew it was a catchphrase rather than him just saying "I've been expecting you."
The scene after this, with Andy, Annie, Paul, Steven, Janice and Kane is en extremely well written scene, probably the best one so far. The childish laughter of Witch is absolutely perfect and the way Kane is wrenched inside the bungalow was really cool. Another great touch was the fact that Steven's father disappeared and then as Steven turned around, everyone else was gone too. Uh! Totally creepy. The attack on him was brutal and yet almost sexy, with Witch licking his face and stuff, but the undercurrent of horror was still very strong and so this scene really stands out against the others.
Against the tree Steven is tied in the torture scene. Wow, this is an amazing piece of gothic horror writing. There are some truly grisly deaths here, especially Annie with her head being squeezed together and then exploding like a watermelon. Cutting of Steven's leg was described very well and visually would make many people cringe, one of the great things about gore I suppose. Witch's dialogue through this scene is more of what I was talking about earlier. She's kinda like Hannibal Lecter in that sense, she could say something very simplem but has to have a whole song and dance around it and then bury it amongst a thicket of riddles and rhymes, this is truly powerful stuff in the forest, yet I don't really see where it's going. I'm sure it will all make sense in the end, alas, more pitfulls of reading/reviewing simultaneously.
More confusion on my part because Father Keane has this lengthy exposition scene in which he half explains the plot of the movie. This was very confusing because I don't know what's coming next, nor do I understand why he stopped telling his story in the middle, just saying that some evil was coming, that something had happened. He did not say who he really was or what the old church was or anything, so I'm kind of annoyed at this scene. But the dialogue has that classic man explains the plot kinda vibe, so it's very entertaining nonetheless.
This dream sequence is excellently described, although the most confusing thing yet. What I'm gathering is this: that there were once demos on Earth, living here instad of us and the Devil presided over all of this until God came down and smote them, killing the demons and basically melting the devil, blanketing the world with snow, the Ice Age. Either that or it is some kind of vision from the future, either way it's a great sequence. Wow this review is getting longer and longer.
This Goblin thing is absolutely disgusting! It's grotesque, disturbing, I LOVED IT! He eats the guy's enter leg off and then rips his skin off and starts eating his heart. That is one disturbing image, wow. That was brilliant. Really graphic. the following sequence with the use of the computer screens was really well done as well, I thought, because you were trying to do something different. You're telling the story in a way we haven't seen before, at least not quite like that. And as soon as you do something different, you're getting recognition. So, very well done.
Okay, well basically I don't really have anything to say about this last portion of the script that I haven't already said before. There were a fair few grisly kills that I thought were very imaginative and well thought out, especially the death of Leroy, that guy really ticked me of..
An excellent effort, Scoob. A very well thought out and well executed script that kept me flicking through the pages. I hope that this review hasn't offended you in any way because I really liked this script. I was expecting something else for the ending but everything wrapped up kinda nicely and I liked your ambiguous ending, especialy now that I don't have to wait for the sequel, I can just read it straight away, which I will be doing sometime very soon.
Excellent work on the script and I look forward to reading more of your stuff sometime in the near future.
Don't worry, I'm reading this right now so I can read II like I said I would. I've been a little behind on my reading because my internet was lost and because of other personal things.
I'm been reading this on and off for the past few days (it's the last week of classes so I've been a little busy). I'm about halfway through but the file's not working for me right now so I'm going to have to finish it later. Here's what I got so far...
So far, this is a pretty decent read. Not the type of horror I'm accustomed to but it's interesting nevertheless. I like the descriptions of the demons and that you've actually portrayed Hell as a planet rather than an alternate dimension, which I don't think has been done often. I also like the conspiracy feel that's prominent throughout the story so far and that the adults have no idea what's going on. It's hard to review scripts that have been extensively commented on already but I do have a few comments...
- I really liked the sacrifice of the lamb. I found it genuinely disturbing since the lamb somewhat represents innocence and purity. However I'm afraid it doesn't serve much purpose than to slow down the story. I think it'd be better to cut to the town after the introduction scene for the main baddies. It's up to you though and, again, I thought the scene was very well done.
- I think it rings false that Tom is not concerned about the children's disappearance. I don't think a father would dismiss such a thing just because it's the day before Halloween. Even if he does think they're playing a prank, I think he'd still look for them just to be safe.
- pg. 44 - What basis does Jack have that something supernatural is going on. Seems unlikely he'd just guess correctly what's really going on.
Other than that, so far, so good. I'll be checking out the sequel at some point in the future as well. More later...
Chism, First, thank yuo for taking the time for reading this and then for writing such a long and helpful review. I owe you one.
I will copy and paste everything you said so that I dont repeat myself and so that hopefully this will not take up 40 pages as my other review replies do lol
CHISM: The opening scene with looking up into the sky and then shooting across the universe to this hell planet was very well described. You have written very simply here, but it does invoke the imagination quite a bit and it's very easy to picture what you had in mind for it. The ensuing scene with the monks and the introduction of the SOWEN symbol is also very tightly written. This whole sequence has the feel of a writer who's planning on directing, since there are such specifications with camera angles/movements. Is that true? Would you like to direct your own scripts one day?
I would love to direct but have no idea on how to! I have always written and would one day like to actually be in charge of something I have created. Like a million other people in the world! I now am planning to write more and write a book and see how that goes as it allows you to actually describe feelings and emotions. I have always written with the intenton of writing like an author, this site made me look at things differently and try writing a script.
The introduction of the Phillips family is a very well written scene. You really capture that sense of excitement when the children see their father coming home from work. I remember being that excited about my father coming home and the kids's reactions feel very genuine. You also have a lot of very clever, very easy character development without making it feel force, with Tom remembering to get his beer, but forgetting the thing that would make his children happy. Also, you are setting up Megan's distaste and impatience for the situation that he is in. I think the scene really encapsulates the life of a suburban family very well. You also really captured the antagonism between a teenage boy and his father where Lee comes home late. Now I'm asuming that Lee was one of the kids who sacrificed the lamb, but I could be wrong. That's just the vibe I'm getting here. Moving on.
Why, thank you!
I'm not quite sure what you were trying to do with the following scene between Kerry, Sarah and Miss Hagins. They're talking about how late Kerry was and that they're gonna fire her if it happens again, then suddenly she's going to get someone's cell phone from their car? I understand it was important to get Kerry into the parking lot so she can meet up with Jack, but I'm just not sure what you were going for here. The scene doesn't have that same pizzaz of the opening scene with Tom and the Phillips family. And then it turns out that Miss Hagins doesn't actually hate her at all. So why give Kerry a hard time? Because she's the new girl? That's a pretty immature way for a fully grown woman to think and I'm just not sure what you were aiming for when you wrote this scene.
The scene is maybe wrong-maybe right. I think this scene has no need to change, I have worked with people that have acted like this, been like this and so on and so forth. It is basically not hard to beleive. In the view that other people might have difficulty beleiving it, I cant really help that.
Is Shepherd the last name of the doctor on Lost? It doesn't really matter if it is, I'm just curious because I think that it might be. This is another nice little scene with some snappy dialogue and a few character moments setting Jack up as a joker and possibly a love interest? Hmmmmm? Every great story has a great romance. Look at Gone with the Wind or Casablanca. Either way it goes, it's a pretty nice scene, very quiet, which I would assume is the silence before the storm, but I could be very wrong, one of the pitfalls of reading/reviewing at the same time I suppose.
Lost? No. This was written way before that came out and I have never even watched one episode in any case. Shepherd as in the religous overtone of the script perhaps, but in no way is this taken from some television show. I still have not watched Lost yet and dont really intend to.
The next scene I'm going to talkabout is the one in which the kids are taken. I understand what you were trying to do and what was intended of the scene. It is the moment in the film where things really start happening, where you kick the plot into high gear. I just don't think it comes off as well as it should, it is something that maybe should have been written a little better. The way you've described it, I think Tom is far too calm considering the circumstances and I think that Megan is severely underused:
Perhaps you are right here. There is a lack of dialouge and action and this whole segment could be altered. Problem was, this script is big enough already, why stick needless infortmation in when it will be explained later? To create more dialouge would only make the script bigger and provide more problems.
Quoted Text Megan ignores Tom and dashes around the house, calling the kid’s names, asking them to come out from joking around or hiding. The above should have been completely written, with her shouting out their names, bolting from room to room in the house. I would also have Tom be a little less together than he is, especially considering his present emotional state, having just had an argument with his wife. The scene really doesn't have the emotional impact it should have and I think maybe even a little more buildup is required.
Yeah I see your point. If a little more rewrting was added then it might make it more effective but I tried to squeeze in as much as I could in the little space I have. Maybe later on, this scene becomes less important, so I decided to leave it as it was.
Quoted Text The revolving doors close behind them, the usual quiet sound becoming now the only sound that can be heard. What does this mean? How in the hell can revolving doors close behind them? They're revolving doors, the entire point of them is that they never close. Do you mean they stop moving? You need to clarify that coz that just ticked me right off.
Heh. Ok you have me on that one. Maybe the revolving doors were busted too? ( I say looking for an easy way out)
One of the following scenes has Tom and Megan walking through the streets. Extend this here. There may be a longer sequence of the parents wandering around lost without their children, but here would be the perfect place to really pack an emotional punch. Have peoplew eeping the gutters, mothers screaming out in insanity, people fighting and bickering, punch-ups and other things of a like nature. I'd hate to use that word again, but this scene needs some pizzaz. The latter scene outside the police station and the subsequent division into groups captures that sense perfectly. There is mass hysteria, which is understandable. and you have described it excellently. You've captured those who are hopeless and don't know what to do, and you've also wonderfully written those who are strong, in command and in control, so there is a nice contrast in this scene. You've really got the whole "town-united" kinda vibe going through this portion of the film and it is really well done.
Cheers, Im glad you enjoyed this scene.
I will write up on the rest of your review a little later, but thanks Chism. I try and reply best I can to everyones reviews and although it may be a little tiresome to other readers, I think this is the best way. At least I am trying to answer every thing you have stated. Much appreciated that people read my stuff so the least I can do is reply to what they have written!
Thanks again and I will get back asap with the rest.
Hey Scoob. Sorry about the delay but I'm finally finished.
A couple things...
pg. 65 - "If I had a weapon of some sort."
pg. 66 - "Tom thumps him in the face." Huh? A simple "punches" would have sufficed. "Thumps" sounds too weak and kind of ambiguous.
pg. 98 - ?This looks like a war film. This can?t be real.? After seeing a skeleton and a witch, I don?t think a bunch of burning cars would be that hard to believe. Perhaps it would be a little more shocking but still, I?d change the line.
You also have a few "your" and "you're" that need to be switched.
Other than that, I enjoyed this one. The begining was a little slow for me. The first two acts seemed to be more of a mystery than a horror but once the cult stuff started, I had a much better time reading this. I wouldn't beef up this stuff at the begining since good pacing is important for a horror movie and your script has that. It also makes the stuff at the end so much more exciting. I would beef up on the presence of Skull and Witch throughout though. Goblin's quite a nasty character, my favorite of the three, and pretty much steals the show, which he'd probably do anyway but I think you should give the other two more chances to show their stuff. Again, good job with this one, Scoob. You have some really great, original stuff here.
CHARACTERS: The protag arrives with a back story and issues. Good. But, I wish Tom was more active in his role as “hero”. The priest seems to be feeding them all the information they need. I'd like Tom to figure some stuff out for himself.
PLOT/STORY: The priest seems to reveal a lot of the needed information in a couple of scenes. If possible try and break these into smaller scenes, and disperse them more widely throughout the script, so we have a build up of knowledge.
It's a horror film and the death of the lamb, sets the right tone. Some really nice death moments, culminating with the death of the town. Which is neat, as the town people die so does the town, and I like how we see this town that looks nice at the beginning, except for a haunted house then as the story moves along, the town slowly dies as well. This adds subtext to the story and what is happening to the characters.
DIALOGUE: It's good and it's not on the nose, but I wish it had more zing (And yes I am a fan of J Whedon's dialog, man I wish I could write dialog that good – just admitting my bias here, feel free to ignore me.)
SCENE DESCRIPTION/STRUCTURE: Good use of screenplay format and nice short paragraphs.
Where ever possible I'd remove the is and “ing” words. This will move the writing from passive to active and make the read smoother and cleaner. This would likely also get the page count down. (Something I constantly struggle with in my own writing, so I tend to be hyper-aware of this.)
For instance on page 5 I'd rewrite as: The sky after sunset, an eerie red and orange glow.
A desolate hilltop, with a wide open space, except for a mass of trees, off to one side.
Only one building in sight, an abandoned wreckage of a bungalow. The windows boarded with wood, an intimidating haunted house.
A stone path leads to the door, a garden nearby that has not been looked after in years.
A dim light flickers between the gap of a boarded window. End. - I'm personally getting lost in the description, sometimes its awkward and overdone. A good trimming would fix this.
As the story moves along, the writing gets better, less flowery, more efficient in conveying the action and description.
QUALITY OF WRITING: Good visual writing, but wordy. I think you could easily take out words, reduce and/or remove sentences and convey the same information.
For instance, page 4, I'd rewrite as: The first demon reveals it face. A full size skeleton, no sign of skin, it's human bone features distorted, it's gaze menacing. End - (facial expressions are going to be tough with only bone, random thought.) I think this sentence conveys the same information you are trying to get across but reduces four sentences to two.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
It's a good horror story, and an interesting take on Hell having its own planet. You generally create vivid visual scenes, which is great. However, as mentioned earlier there are times when I got completely lost and confused in all the description.
I would prefer if Tom was a bit more active in figuring out what is going on in the town - that he be the one to find and put the pieces of the puzzle together. It seems people just hand him the puzzle pieces which is not quite as entertaining.
THOUGHTS THAT PASSED THROUGH MY HEAD DURING FIRST READ
Hell as a planet. Good, caught my interest.
17 – it's not an unknown symbol, it's the sowen symbol. I think you mean the symbol is unknown to the priest. But that's not something the audience can see on screen.
20 – Did the kids disappear because of what the cloaks did in the haunted house? If yes, then make this more clear. Right now the kids disappearing seems odd because I don't know what caused it. Maybe intercut between the cloaks performing their ceremony as the kids disappear, this might clear things up a bit.
38 – Is this the next time we see any of the demons again, after the opening scene with them? I don't remember seeing them, and I'd actually forgotten about them. I would suggest having them appear intermittently from the time we see them the first time, and throughout the story seeding anger and destruction. For instance when we first see Tom and Megan, don't have them really fight until one of the demons puts a “hex” on them, and then the same for Tom and Lee.
This would show us the demons are powerful, would remind us they are there, and add another layer to the story.
93 – Riley reveals he's the deliverer? It be more satisfying if the protag discovered and revealed he was one of the bad guys.
Interesting ending, but I like it when horror ends on a dark note. Seems appropriate.
Hey cheers Chism & WildGrace - I was quite surprised to see I had a couple of new comments on here about this thing!
It's a bit crazy with the whole trilogy thing is'nt it? Companies plan to make three films before the first one is even released nowadays, just strikes me as bizarre. You even hear ( or read ) comments about "Oh the first one sucked but dont worry, the next one or the last one will be great!" Why not just make sure the first film is as good as the next two? Fantastic Four comes to mind with things like that - I thought that was awful but they are making another anyway.
Anyhow, 'tis unlikely I will be writing another of these ones.
I was just popping on here to post Season Of The Devil II, with hopefully it all written a lot better and a little more interesting then the last draft which was pretty bad. If anyone enjoys that I might write another but seeing as people only really read the first draft thats posted I dont think too many will bother. I dont blame them either - I posted it when it was under written and it had a few problems with it. I should have waited.
Wildgrace, thank you for giving this one a read - much appreciated and I will return the favour. Most likely with Pumpkincrow as it's a horror - as you know by having read this thats usually my cup of tea.
I agree with you regarding Tom. I have a pretty similar pattern going on with the second one aswell in which the "hero" doesn't actually resolve the situation - just more or less manages to survive it, or at least, get to the final act. I don't know if it fits the story but you are pretty spot on. And the priest, Father Keane, does tend to get a little carried away with his babble speak. I might have to shorten a lot of this down. Or just cut a lot of it out.
Perhaps not the best thing but this was an early script and Im still learning so I will definitly try and extend my future "heroes and heroines".
It's great you appreciated the whole town dying. Thanks. It's not overally original but I did want that feeling to come across.
I still need to work a lot on dialouge issues. I think some of the best is in my other script titled Malevolent, and I think it is improving with each rewrite and script I write next.
I will take note of the removal of pointless or space taking words - this one and the sequal are WAY too long at the moment. Too much description is another flaw which you noticed and I thank you for pointing it out. Also thank you for making a couple of examples, it helps a great deal
When I was reading through this and was about to send it off on request of the only agent that has taken any interest, I could'nt beleive how bad some of my writing was. Thus why I rushed into rewriting the first thirty pages. Needless to say, it still needs a LOT of work as the agent sent me it back without as much as a "it sucks" reply.
So thank you for reading this one, Wildgrace, I have been pretty absent on here regarding reviewing others works so I need to catch up a little. I will start with Pumpkincrow
I was getting a bit fed up with reading the 85- 95 page scripts. I wanted something a little bit more epic. Something with a more sweeping story. So when I noticed your script was at 150 pages I thought I'd have a go.
I am half way through this script so far and it is a pleasure to read. fantastic stuff.
The plot is very clever. You know exactly when to "cut to" just at the right moment when a scene is getting exciting. the children vanish, the church trashed. Leave the reader hanging and keep them reading. I love that.
The first act with the set up of the characters is very natural. These are real people.
All of the spooky details are inventive and enjoyable. The disappearence of the children and how all evidents is eradicated a little to thorough. The cars with doors opens and horns blaring.
The stolen children is an excellent central problem, driving the story forward and giving it a solid structure. You obvously know your stuff when it comes to plot structure. I'm still struggling with raising the stakes.
I wasn't to sure about Skull and Witch when they appeear and start popping peoples heads off. The way you describe they seem too cartoonsih. I kept picturing them in the same style as that Ned & Mandy's Grimm Adventures show on the Cartoon Network. You have gone to so much trouble creating a real, believab;e town with very real people that the cartoonish demons kind of clash with all the realistic set up at the beginging of the story.
But I am only half way through the script and have to wait and see when I read the rest.
Also the opening scene of traveling through space to some sort hell planet doesn't quite work for me. I don't think it is really needed. As it is, once all the spooky, weird stuff hits town we know who is beind it all and so your story loses a lot of mystery and tension. If that opening scene wasn't there we would have no idea who is behind the spooky stuff. It could be goblins, aliens, fairies or even smurfs. who knows. i feel the cult chanting is a great hint of what is to come and is far more effective than demons living on planet Hell.
But maybe I should read the rest of the script before I go on about this.
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