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  Author    Abattoir  (currently 7032 views)
Don
Posted: December 5th, 2005, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Abattoir by James McClung - Horror - Four young filmmakers on a road trip decide to stop at the wrong gas station and find themselves in the clutches of some sick individuals running a cannibalistic meat business. 101 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 20th, 2006, 8:06pm
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James McClung
Posted: December 6th, 2005, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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This is by no means a slasher. No dumb teenagers running off into the woods drinking, doing drugs, and having sex. This was much more inspired by horror films of the early 70s and, to some extent, a recent French film called Haute Tension. I'd like to think it's quite a nasty piece of work. Any comments and/or criticisms would be much appreciated.


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MacDuff
Posted: December 6th, 2005, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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I'll take a look at this sometime this week and let you know what I think. I've been meaning to read something in a while and this sounds like something I'd like to read.


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James McClung
Posted: December 6th, 2005, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, MacDuff. In the mean time, if you have anything you'd like read, I'll be sure to do so.


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MacDuff
Posted: December 6th, 2005, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, so I've read through the script. Here goes:

SPOILERS......








FORMATTING:

Format is good. Nothing really wrong that I can see. There are a few spelling mistakes throughout, but nothing that really stands out. Mostly things like "to" instead of "two" etc..etc...

Only suggestion I could put forth is some of your descriptions could be chopped down a little. There are a couple of one sentance paragraphs, you could maybe squeeze them together (keeping them under 4 sentances total).

Descriptions and passages are all good and concise. Good job.

Oh...I've just spotted the name "HANSEN" a few times. I believe you are referring to "SANDERS". You'll need to switch that out!


STORY/SETUP:

The main problem with the story is a common problem that many writers and amateur writers have....lack of a main character. The main character guides us through the script from beginning to end. We learn, feel, react and experience the movie through them (on the most part...there are some ensamble pieces and movies where the main character is not a person). I felt that there was not a clear protagonist.

For example:

You open with Sanders and Grover. First 10 pages to be precise. So, I was thinking they would be the characters we would follow throughout - but they disappear on page 10, only to return on page 62. From page 10 onwards, we follow the kids, but even there we do not see a clear protagonist emerge. Even though Lucy emerges as seemingly the main character at the climax and at the resolution.

Possible Solution:

Look at developing your main character and build the story around them (most likely candidate is Lucy). I felt a little thrown of with Sanders and Grover.

The next issue is the plot. It's hard to develop something different on a tired genre. Even though you have tried putting your own style onto this story, it still seems common. Like I've seen it before, you know? I'm thinking along the lines of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House Of 1000 Corpses, Devil's Rejects, Wrong Turn to name a few. In order to stand out from those, you need to come up with a unique twist. When you are trying to sell an idea to a producer who will read your work, the first thing they'll ask is "what's the hook". What is yours? What makes it different than the movies I've listed above?

Possible Solution:

You could work on developing ED and his Diner. Work on creating a close-knit community to place the script in. Work with it, play with it. There is potential there.

First 10-Pages...I'm a FIRM believer that the first 10 pages need to do the following:

1. Excite the reader, grab them, draw them in for the long haul.
2. An memorable first scene. It doesn't have to be a $10 million shot...but hook us in!
3. Introduce the protagonist and their needs.

I found that with your first 10 pages, there was a lot of dialogue with nothing given to us to want us to beg for more. I understand why you had the dialogue at the diner, and the opening scene. But it could be worked on a little.

Possible Solution:

Expand the opening scene. You have a chance for something there. It's good - but make it great. Create something that grabs our attention from that opening line. Wow us. Then maybe introduce your main character for the next pages. Maybe start with the kids before moving onto the sheriff etc..etc..


CHARACTERS:

As I mentioned above, there is a clear lack of a main character. Is it Lucys movie? Sanders? Ed? Grover?  If you work on that, that will give you a big boost.

Possible Solution:

As I mentioned before, work on a main character (or 2 if strongly needed), then create the characters to either help him/her or oppose their main goal.

Develop your characters more. I never got a feel for most of them. I couldn't connect with any of the kids or the sheriff. I picked up on Sanders pretty quickly, which was good and I think Ed is a strong character - congrats! Ray and Potato Sack don't need anymore major development, but some background info would be great. The 3rd-Act turn in Grover was seemingly out of nowhere. There was nothing leading up to it, it's just like a new character. I'm not sure if you purposly did that - but it seems out of character. I think it also doesn't help that they disappeared for 40-50 minutes. Same with the kids - they seem to be there just to be there. You do have some character development with them, but nothing that forwards the movie along convincingly. Don't make the fodder, make them characters that we don't want to see dead (or care).

Possible Solution:

As I said, develop the characters a little more. Place them in situations or conversations that forward the movie along and show us more about them. The main characters should have a flaws, just as much as attributes and abilities. Develop them!


DIALOGUE:

Dialogue is pretty good actually. There is a little exposition in the 3rd act, and some out-of-character speeches too. I think if you re-develop some characters, make sure to go over their dialogue after.

Good job!


BELIEVABLILTY/CONTINUITY:

Here's some things I wrote down as I read:

1. The first action event begins around page 28. That may be too late and it's completely out of nowhere. We don't have a feel for the characters involved yet, so that doesn't help.
2. Where did Josh go once they are captured? Either I've missed that, or it's a big omission. Here is another chance to add some thrills.
3. The girls are naked for a good portition of the 2nd act. It may actually work against you to have them like that for that amount of time...especially what they get involved in during that time.
4. Sanders and Grover finding the girls in the graveyard. Unfortunately, it's too convenient at the moment. Those two finding the girls works, I think you just need get them there another way.
5. Sanders and Grover dozing off at the clinic. Not sure they would do that...even in a small town (that's just my opinion).
6. They wouldn't leave the girls unattended, especially after something like this. There would atleast be one cop overlooking them while the rest head to Ed's Diner.
7. The character change in Grover is unbelievable. I'm sorry, it's just so out of left field. Work on his character to nullify that. The speech on pages 74-75 need work.
8. Is there a background story to the town? Ed seems to have a history, same with Grover. That needs worked on!
9. The 3rd Act seems to have the biggest breakdown. I'm not a fan of the reaction of the police force and the events that follow...just my opinion.
10. Don't like the overall ending. Not sure what doesn't click - it's just boom, boom, boom, everyone is dead. Cut back on the deaths and get some tension in there. This is where our main character is supposed to excel and truimph (or fail) or where you, the writer gives us a mind-blowing twist or shock.


OVERALL:

There is a story here and I think you can pull it off. It just needs a few more re-writes. It's a little slow to start, so maybe add a little action in the first act...setting up the 2nd and 3rd. It's a worn genre, so you need to make it original and complete with hooks, twists and good characters. Once you find out who you want the main character to be, that will help the feeling of the reader wandering through the story.

Dialogue is good, which is where a lot of writers stumble. Try to move away from the the 3rd act you have right now...you have a chance to make a thrilling ending, right now it's just a senseless action packed murder spree...

Overall - well done. It's definitely not bad...and you have the bases of a good script. It just needs worked on...move away from the tired storyline and try to add some twists, hooks, and tension to the script.

Phew! I'm done.

I hope you appreciate the words...and as I always tell people...this is only my OPINION on the script. Take it or leave it. Nothing I say is personal, only written to help the author on future projects.

Finally...well done! Writing a screenplay isn't easy!




Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
MacDuff  -  December 6th, 2005, 9:24pm
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Shelton
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Well I don't think MacDuff left anything for me to say (ha ha), but I'll give it a try anyway.

I'm a big fan of 70's era horror films (Texas Chainsaw, Motel Hell, Last House on the Left, etc etc.), so this was a pretty enjoyable read for me, but I do agree that there could be a little bit more character development, and maybe another twist.  How bout bringing the kids camera into play?

I also caught the Sanders/Hanson thing, but I also noticed a Grover/Hooper change.

I would eliminate the "The End?  No" unless it's supposed to be a SUPER.

How long of an extension cord do you need to chase somebody around with a circular saw like that?  Also, on page 103, you refer to it as a chainsaw.

Like I said above, I thought this was a pretty good story overall since I'm a fan of 70's era horror, but there are some things that are a little too close to the movies I referenced.  The main thing POTATO SACK.  I'm sure my reasoning here is pretty self explanatory so I'll just leave it at that.

I'll give this a 3/5.

Mike


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James McClung
Posted: December 6th, 2005, 11:39pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks a lot for the comments, guys. Obviously I have a lot of work to do but I don't feel phased. A lot of what MacDuff suggested are things that I tried to do. Lucy was most definitely supposed to be the main character and Ed's diner was supposed to play a much larger part. Grover's character was also supposed to have been more developed. The idea was at the beginning of the script, he's a really nice guy but since everything is going on under his nose, he doesn't know how to be a real sheriff so when everything gets piled on his lap all at once, he snaps. I guess I didn't go far enough with those aspects of the script.

You guys touched on a lot of fears I had while writing however. I think it is kind of derivitive as is. The hook was supposed to be that this was a straightforward cannibalism script. Films like TCM and The Hills Have Eyes only skimmed the surface in terms of cannibalism and I wanted to make it as blatant as possible. Unfortunately Motel Hell (which I have yet to see) may have beat me to the punch. Is this enough of a hook or do I need to go further? The strong female character was also supposed to be a major hook. Everyone knows how women are portrayed in these sorts of films.

And finally the stuff I was most worried about...

The girls being naked for the majority of the second half was a huge, HUGE issue for me. I even confided with a female friend to make sure that the script didn't come off as blatantly misogenist (I was hoping it would be the opposite with the character of Lucy). But I couldn't find a way for them to get clothes back in that amount of time and felt it was neccessary for them not to have clothes as they are meant to be treated like animals and not human beings. Any suggestions?

And finally, there're a few aspects of the script I'm reluctant to change. The ending for one. I completely agree that adding tension would strengthen the scene but it was intended to be a total splatterfest and I don't feel I would be as fully satisfied with an alternate ending.

The beginning as well is a touchy subject. I didn't want to have an opening scene with a previous victim being chased through the woods or something to that effect but rather something more subtle but chilling at the same time.

And finally, what to do about Potato Sack? I purposely limited his presence throughout the script but he is supposed to be a movie monster of sorts. Not human at all. I'd be cool with losing the sack but what then? Suggestions?

Otherwise, I really appreciate the comments. This is already more than I got on my first script over the course of three months. Thanks!


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Shelton
Posted: December 6th, 2005, 11:46pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from James McClung
The beginning as well is a touchy subject. I didn't want to have an opening scene with a previous victim being chased through the woods or something to that effect but rather something more subtle but chilling at the same time.


Well, I wouldn't call it subtle, but instead of opening with a part of the ending, why not have Potato Sack butchering a body?  Might help to strengthen your cannibalism angle as well.

Just a thought.


Mike


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James McClung
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I'm glad you didn't find an issue with the girls' lack of clothes but I was concerned that some people might. Some people are just touchy IMO. Nevertheless, I didn't want to get into any arguments. I may just leave them the way they are however. Several people outside this site have read the script already and I have yet to hear any objections from anyone.


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MacDuff
Posted: December 7th, 2005, 12:59am Report to Moderator
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Definitely do what you feel is right James...for it's your baby.

SPOILER...

I agree with Mike - without blowing the movie open with a chase scene, keep it subtle - that's great...just raise the bar a tiny bit. I think that tiny bit could go a long way.

As for the 2nd act with the females nude. I personally have no problems with them being nude...my issue is not the nude factor, but their actions and re-actions while being nude. It would probably be hard in screen time to keep them nude.

And as for the ending - good for you. If you want the ending to be a splatterfest, then that's cool with me...but keep the goriness in there for the full script. At the moment, it's a little lacking at the beginning and before the climax. Not say you should shift scenes around, but adding a little may not help.

Happy writing!


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James McClung
Posted: December 7th, 2005, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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I've written a new opening scene a feel has a little more oomf. Let me know what you guys think:

INT. UNKNOWN ROOM

A woman’s body, stripped down to its undergarments, is dragged across a bloody tile floor. There is a jeweled piercing in its navel.

INT. DINER

The luminous interior of a country diner is crowded with people sitting at a counter in its center and in booths lining its perimeter. The atmosphere is loud with people chatting and shouting from all directions.

                    MALE VOICE (O.S.)
            Where’s my burger, Ed?!

                    FEMALE VOICE (O.S)
            Don’t forget about me, Ed!

                    ED (O.S.)
            Hey, now, there’s enough for everybody!

Behind the counter, a pair of hands tears open a plastic bag filled with ground meat. The hands remove of mound of meat from the bag and proceed to mold it into a burger shape.

Nestled within the meat, barely discernable, is a small, jeweled ornament.

INT. UNKNOWN ROOM

A woman’s abdomen fills the entire screen. The ornament in its navel sparkles.

In an instant, the layer of epidermis is torn away revealing a glistening red muscle underneath. The navel piercing remains fixated in place.

INT. DINER

A MALE CUSTOMER sitting at the counter vigorously chops away at a thick juicy burger in his hands.

Suddenly, he stops chewing and tongues around inside his mouth. He places two fingers inside his mouth and removes the jeweled ornament.

INT. UNKNOWN ROOM

Bloody meat is spewed out of a screeching meat grinder. The jeweled ornament turned ruby twinkles with in the glutinous mass.

INT. DINER

The male customer stares at the object in between his fingers.

                    MALE CUSTOMER
            Hey Ed!

A MAN in a green apron behind the counter walks over to address the male customer. His face is not visible.

                    ED (O.S.)
            What can I do for you, friend?

The customer holds up the jeweled ornament.

                    MALE CUSTOMER
            This yours?
                (a beat)

                    ED (O.S.)
            Sure is.

The customer hands the object to the man in front of him.

                    ED (O.S.)
            Wouldn’t want to lose that.

--

After this, I would go to the kids' first scene at Ed Gein's house. I'm thinking of actually showing the cops' raid of Ed Gein's house over Josh's monologue to add a little more excitement before taking off into the exposition.

Also, I've been thinking about developing the characters of the kids, Lucy being the protagonist this time around, and I'm not quite sure what you guys want from them. What's their outlook on life? What made them decide to do a documentary? What do I need to give you to make you connect with them? MacDuff, you said that you were able to connect with Sanders. I didn't think he was as developed as the other characters but obviously he has something that the others don't. Same with Ed. Character development's never really been an issue to me before and I'd like to take on the challenge rather than taking the easy way out and leaving the script as it is but I'm not sure exactly how to go about it. Suggestions?


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MacDuff
Posted: December 7th, 2005, 10:51pm Report to Moderator
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Now you're on the right track. This is WAY better. The piercing is a little on the nose. If you remove the piercing from the girls body and grinding machine and just leave the ornament being picked out from the cooked burger - it would probably work better. Leaves a little more to the imagination.

The next logical step is to introduce your protagonist, so moving to the kids is wise. Once they are introduced and given a reason to be in this movie - then move to Grover and Sanders.

I like the irony of the students filming documentaries on serial killers, then ultimately being involved with killers. Maybe if they were focusing on the VICTIMS of serial killers - then it would work when they too become VICTIMS. That way you can still keep the work with Gein, just changing the angle a little.

You'd then have to work on developing Lucy a little more. Give the audience a reason to cheer her on.

As I said before, you're close!

Good Luck!


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Hey there. I don't know what else to say. Think everyone else has already commented on everything about your script...I loved it. You definitly have a knack for writing horror too. I do prefer your new opening to your previous one, but I do think you don't need to show the naval ring. Not unitl the it's picked out of the guy's mouth. Definitly a movie I would go see if it was ever made.

Keep up the good work

Anth
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PartyShooter101
Posted: December 10th, 2005, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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This was a good read. I thought it was good horror film. Did you intentally make an Ed character since the kids were at Ed Geins old house?


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James McClung
Posted: December 11th, 2005, 12:30am Report to Moderator
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Alright everyone, I've written and submitted a second draft of Abattoir. Amongst the changes I've made are:

1. 6 additional pages of exposition

2. Specific scenes have been moved to other places in the script (some earlier, some later).

3. An additional Grover backstory has been implemented as an attempt to justify his psychosis (I still feel somewhat uneasy about this one, his character may need to be revised again).

4. A town backstory has been implemented.

Some dialogue has been changed, scenes have been extended, changed, shortened, etc. I'm not sure what to do about Potato Sack so I've left him as is for now. Also, the revisions have ultimately left me with an additional problem: the script is too long (IMO at least).

Otherwise, I hope it works better this time around, I think it does so far. Let me know what you guys think.

Also PartyShooter101, Ed started off with the last name Fish which would have been a combination of Ed Gein and Albert Fish. I got rid of the last name though when I didn't want to make references to other films or killers or anything of that nature (Sanders and Grover were originally Hansen and Hooper, a nod to TCM). Yet the Gein homage still remains, I suppose.


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