Mike,

This critique will be coming in bits and pieces.
I've read half of your script and skimmed the second half. Will give it a more thorough read later.

I get the impression you are a serious screenwriter.
With that in mind, i will address your work with as much professional input as I'm capable of.

There will be some SPOILERS here, for those who have not read your script.

Please don't take offense to my criticisms, they are meant to stimulate thought.
And they are my opinion, so others might not agree.
You might not agree.
But if anything I say, or anybody else adds, inspires you to think of each scene, dialogue, etc. in a different way, than we've succeeded in helping you.

Since Story is king, I wonder how much thought you put into the story line.
If Deaza and Orthu are taking over the world, how does the FBI know this information?
How do they know when and where D and O are going to make their move.

The book is to raise the dead, which in turn will take over the world, if I'm not mistaken. But from what we've seen already of the walking dead, not to mention the vampires and werewolves, none poses much threat. Of course, you could be talking about  masses of walking dead, which could be harder to control.

If monsters can be subdued with relative ease and the FBI knows this, why do they need to recruit gangsters and thugs?  Why not just go down to Home Depot and buy a bunch of hammers and whack the crack out of the vamps and wolves???

The guy with the flame thrower can seemingly do the job by himself.

Thus, you've got to make your monsters almost indestructable.
Otherwise, why make them monsters. Monsters are monsters because they are badder, meaneer and tougher than humans.  If they look like Tarzan but swing like Jane, than this won't be much of a horror movie.

But let's start with the opening scene.
I like your writing style. the exchange of words between Clark and Jimmy was ping-pong quick and fun.
I do think that you could set up the scene so that it says a bit more about the scenario and the characters.
Of course, the idea I have in mind might have no relevance to the rest of the story.

Before i go into that, if this book is so important, why send two guys -- one of them a losse cannon -- to retrieve the item?  Wouldn't Paulie send an army of his best men??
If jimmy indeed killed a bunch of his fellow crew members, wouldn't he have been wasted a long time ago.
He's an old man, and you know what they say about old dogs.
Jimmy seems like a liability.
I wouldn't trust him to order pizza.
If I was the mob boss, Jimmy would be swimming in Lake Michigan.

Back to the opening scene.
The exchange between Jimmy and Clark seems to be about power.
But neither of them truly have power, because they are on an assignment by the don, Paulie.
So why are they arguing about who is in control?
It seems Paulie should have made that decision to avoid any conflicts.

If Jimmy is still employable, what does he know? What makes him special for this assignment?
I can say the same about Clark. When the FBI recruits him, why? What power does he have? What skills make him enticing to the Feds?  he seems like a garden-variety punk with a big mouth.

I think that Jimmy and Clark have to possess special skills or talents.
Thus, they are chosen to get the book because of these abilities.
Maybe jimmy knows something the rest of us don't. Maybe he didn't kill his partners. maybe a vampire did.

To boost your opening scene, you might consider using visuals to punctuate what was said verbally.
Example:

Clark doesn't trust Jimmy because he's old, he's a loose cannon, he's disrespectful and he pretty much serves no purpose.  If Clark knows Jimmy killed his partners, even if it's accidental, he should show his smarts by setting Jimmy up.  Clark picks the restaurant and the time to meet.  He arrives late and Jimmy is all pissed off because he's been sitting for two hours.  They argue and they can only agree that neither man trusts the other. As a show of respect, each man places his gun on the table. Thus nobody pulls a gun under the table and gets crazy.

The waitress accidentally spills wine or spaghetti on Jimmy. She escorts him to the employee bathroom or whereever and helps him clean up. The waitress apologizes profusely. She escorts jimmy back to the table and brings him a bottle of wine, on the house.

Clark yells at the waitress for being new and stupid. She begs him not to complain to the manager.

Before Clark and Jimmy leave the restaurant, Clark slips the waitress slips a $50.

Now we suspect Clark and the waitress know each other and have set up Jimmy.

Later we learn Clark got Jimmy away from the table so he could empty the clip in Jimmy's gun.  Now Jimmy is running around without bullets.

This is just an example of how you can show the way a person thinks and plans. Clark has to be cunning. he doesn't want Jimmy to go crazy on him and so he acts.  He takes control. Now Clark is interesting. Now we see Clark as a thinking man.

You can always reverse this too, Maybe jimmy has something up his sleeve and takes action.

Think of ways to demonstrate how each character works.  This adds interest and mystery. We neve know when one of your characters is going to plot against another.  The twist works if we don't see it coming.

And tell me, why is Deaza walking around with the book anyway in the first encounter between he and Clark?
Was he transporting the book to a destination?  Giving the book to somebody??
And how does the mob know that he will have the book when Jimmy and Clark steal it from him?
Some things to think about.

This jumps ahead a little, but I read somebody else's post questioning the hispanic gangsters.  To break the stereotype mold, what if you made them all gay gangsters.  Could be funny to hear these guys talk with a lisp and come off sounding like those guys on Queer [whatever] for the Straight Guy on Bravo.

Anyway, more later.

Hey all,

New draft here.  I went through and tried to tighten things up a bit, and also made changes based on some of the previous comments I'd received.

Anyway, if anybody's looking for something different than my usual stuff, this is just as good as any.

Hi Mike; I enjoyed this. Big fan of old school Metallica...You've got to have someone say "get back to the front" somewhere to pay homage...Liked the gangsters as heroes, although thier intial gangsterly exchange came off a little cartoonish, but as this seems to be in the mode of some of the horrorish comedies of the eighties, that angle is perfectly appropriate. (Bruce Campbell would be a fine Clark!)

Liked Patrick, but not Timmy. Knowing that he only speaks in movie lines, it'd might be more fun for the audience to figure out what movie he's refering too. I can see how that might frustrate the more trivially challenged, but most of them are so well known as to not be a problem.

LOVED the blues mobile...Picked that up the second you started decscribing it!

The story was fine, and moved along at a good pace. Liked the gang of misfits running around fighting monsters, rival gangsters, street thugs...Liked the tuck and roll method of getting Deaza off the roof.  Good ending, although I would imagine the doorway to hell to be bigger to show the vast armies of the dead, way bigger than what Orthu could draw with the outline of blood...That could be just the intial step to open the floodgates so to speak.

Was Ok with the Catholic prayer book being the force that stops the evil...Didn't come off as overly preachy or as a heavy handed sermon; fit within the context of the story...Liked the visual of all the monsters getting sucked back into hell...Wouldn't Deaza also have been sucked back? Maybe cause he was still trapped under the car?

The epilogue doesn't work terribly well with the governments denial, as everyone in the city, even though they were inside, would have seen and heard the monsters running up and down the streets. They'd have thier video cameras out, cell-phone cameras, all that stuff. The reporter wouldn't have asked it there were monsters, he'd know they were. He'd ask for an explanation of what the deal was with all the monsters, to which the govt would deny everything, regardless of the obvious facts. Hmmmm. That sounds familiar.

Anyway, I totally enjoyed the script, and would look forward to seeing in rendered in all it's digital glory at our local multi-plex.

Hey Blakkwolfe...thanks for reading.

I agree this is more in line with an old school horror/type action movie, with a little bit of comedy weaved in cause I can't seem to ever really get away from it.  I amped up the gangster talk a little bit in the front to set the mood as a mafia flick, and then flip it around when stuff starts really happening.

I think Patrick and Timmy together got cumbersome after awhile, thus the result.  Timmy is definitely the result of my not wanting to have anybody lost on any certain quote.  Despite it's obviousness I know a lot of people that this would bug...hahaha.  Plus I think their end worked with it being the two of them.

The bluesmobile is my little piece of Chicago homage.

I'm glad you enjoyed the pacing.  I think it dragged a little more in earlier drafts, so it's nice to know there's been some improvement.  The gateway to hell may have been a bit of an oversight on my part.  I wanted to imply that he had just drawn a small door, but upon looking inside it was fire and brimstone for as far as the eye could see.

The prayer book was a last ditch plan.  I didn't want it to come off like it was their plan all along.  I think that would have made it preachy.  Basically, Trent was just a guy who had discovered a little bit of religion in the joint and had this book so he thought "Hey, good should counteract evil".  Something along those lines anyway.

The answer to your Deaza question is simple.  He's the Michael Myers in this story.

I struggled with the city bit, but I wanted the FBI thing to be in there to show that after everything these guys had been through, nobody will ever really know about it.  Or so they think.

Thanks again for the read.  I too would like to see this in the local multiplex...I just need to find someone to foot the ridiculous budget.

Good story Mike.

I am not too partial to horror but you kept me captivated all the way through.
As I got towards the scene which introduced Orthu in the cave. I had a sensation of it being a familiar scene that I have encountered in another movie.
I can’t remember which, and that’s annoying.

Some of the things I really enjoyed:

I love the question for question part between Hardy and Clark when first questioned at the precinct, very clever.

I love that rolling of the head bit in the diner, lol.

I liked the idea of Bo helping till the end.
Not often does comedy work well in a horror, but you have done that quite well.

I also really loved the twins. Great idea with the movie lines and titles, good comedy uplift.



I found a couple of typos and a format issue. You may have already picked them up; in case, you haven’t …

Format issue:
On page 12-13. I noticed you break the dialogue on two pages. I know this can happen but certainly not in midstream of a sentence.

I am not sure why you would use two different character headings for the one character. AGENT BARCLAY then BARCLAY - I think you should settle on one (p.13)

Typo issues:
Typo p.27 awhile…should be a while (Clark Character)

On p.40 “Garçon” (Patrick Character), the only reason I mention the spelling to this word is because, being French, I know the way you spelled it gives a total different sound to the pronunciation of “c” it would sound like a k, consider placing a cedilla under the “c”.

On page 85 (Clark’s Dialogue), I wasn’t sure if you meant to say “we was asked”, as you have written it or should it be “he was asked”?

Some of the things I question.

I was a bit surprised by the ending. I think I was expecting all the evil to be gone and maybe some of the good guys to return, like Clark’s brother.

Overall,
I quite enjoyed this.
As I said, Horror is not usually my cup of tea but with the added comedy, it made all the difference.

Well done Mike!

I didn't read the other reviews, now I will. I hate being influenced when I review.
I hope I didn't repeat anything

Hey Elis,

Thanks for the read.  I put this in the horror section due to the level of it involved, but personally this is probably more in line with an Action movie that has some comedic elements thrown in.  Kind of a weird hybrid, if you will.

I'm glad you enjoyed since this time around I think I was able to tighten it up a little more and add in a bit more struggle.

Thanks for pointing out the things you noticed as well.  I normally catch the things that split off into multiple pages, but that one must have slipped by.

I see what you mean about Garcon, I'll look into changing that one.

The "we was asked" line is correct.  It's something more in line with his dialect, and he's thinking of the group as a whole.

I think I see what you're saying about the ending.  Something along the lines of some vampire movies, where taking out the lead vampire causes the others to return to normal?  Only in this sense it would be them being brought back to life and what not.  Interesting, and I hadn't really thought of it.

I chose to end it the way that I did because I wanted this group of people to go through all of this and have everything happen to them, and they're basically treated as if nothing ever happened.

Thanks again, Elis.