One Way by R.S. - Horror - A retired anesthesiologist has perfected the art of ikidnapping using a taxi cab.  Warning:contains factual methods of human disposal, graphic violence. - pdf, format

removed by request

Thank you for any feedback. I'll be here Saturday from 3-4. by Rick

Hey Rick:

Did you get my response to your e-mail?  Here is a link to the board I was talking about:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/

See if anything there looks interesting, or start your own thread.

["Abattoir" sounds like it may be your speed, btw]

Thanks for the suggestion, Bert.

Anyway.

Rick, I'll give this a read and have a review up sometime tomorrow. I've been keeping an eye out for new horror scripts but few have roused my interest. This sounds pretty good though.

Quoted from James McClung I've been keeping an eye out for new horror scripts but few have roused my interest.

Well, thanks!

Just kidding,  I actually just wanted to post here to say I'd be checking this out too.  Any logline with a warning like that is ok by me.

Sorry, Mike. I meant no offense. But seriously, if I had known there were as many zombie scripts on this site, I don't think I would've submitted my own.

Anyway, here's my One Way review (or half of it at least, I don't have the time to finish what's left of it today):

SPOILERS, OF COURSE...

From what I've read, there's some pretty sick, disturbing stuff in this script, which is good. When writing horror, I believe you have to try to push the envelope and considering how audiences are today, I'd say it's often hard to do. But I think you've managed to pull it off. Getting kidnapped by a killer who intends to take your child and forcing you to dismember a live human being is pretty dark stuff. Unfortunately, while the script's concepts are pretty solid, the script itself has some problems.

The main problem I have with the script is the characters. First off, while the things the killer does and plans to do is pretty fitting for a story of this sort, the way he expresses himself is not. He came off more as a Hot Topic mallgoth than a derranged psychopath. Lines like "I'm a Satanist", "Put her in the 'Gein position'", and "Martin Luther King had a dream, bitch!" come off sounding pretty lame. The way he expresses himself doesn't fit with his history either and his history is actually pretty interesting. Try to work on that.

The heroine, Clio, isn't that great either. We know she's engaged and has a sister and, well, a back story and those details are good. But she has no personality or outlook on life. These are things a character needs to be well developed and to earn the audience's sympathy. Also it's no good to have her spelling out exactly what's on her mind pacing back and forth in her cage. You might as well have it in voice-over, which I wouldn't recommend. Have her communicate her feelings through her conversations with the killer or something to that effect instead.

Also a few things that don't really make sense:

1. When Clio's in the cab, the killer says she has one minute before she passes out yet she keeps talking for quite some time. Maybe she should pass out while on the phone with the police instead.

2. One scene I thought was really great was when Amy was cutting through her binds with the glass shard and started to cut herself. It had a very real, raw feel to it. However while it is difficult to cut through binding tape, it's also difficult to cut through a thumb with a shard of glass (well, maybe not that difficult but you'd definitely have to be TRYING to do it).

3. You keep switching between calling the killer the DRIVER and the MASKED MAN. Pick one and stick with it or come up with something new. As of now, there's the potential to confuse.

4. At one point in the script, the killer says "I don't believe in religion." Satanism is a religion so obviously he does.

Other than that, there's some seriously dark stuff in the script and there's a lot of potential to expand upon that. But as of now, I think the script needs work. Hope my comments help. Good luck!

The Bad:  Everything James said.

The Good:  Has potential.  When I read the log line I thought:  Collateral meets Saw - which would be awesome.  When you do rewrites, just imagine Collateral meets Saw and this script could be very awesome.

Stephen

Thanks for the feed back guys, I'll go and polish it right away.  I'm glad you liked the gore. I feel if gore has a purpose it enhances a story. You have to cut  the meat before you eat it.    I'm really working on improving my dialogue, (I feel is the trickiest part of writing) so once again thanks.  by Rick

i read it and i liked it. it was fast read and story was very interesting. i think only that MASKED MAN spoke litle bit too much. so after improving the dialogue it must be very good script. Good luck to you and to your script.

I really appreciate the feedback on the script. I'm trying to take the chain saw to as much of the fat on the dialogue as possible. The Driver or Masked man is a representation of the devil. And as we know or how the devil is portrayed in western culture and religion, he is a good talker, More of a persuader and corrupter than a brute. That was the angle I was going for. He's trying to pursuade Clio to become an animal not a person. I  may have taken it a bit too far.

thank you again. by Rick.