Okay, just finished.

It was a decent read but I may have enjoyed it better if it was more coherent. Mainly I don't understand the whole conspiracy of how Lucas "gets involved with the killings" or whatever. The Rex/Lucas/Burnt Man thing is quite confusing as well. Try to clarify the plot points somewhat in the rewrite.

Also, I thought the dialogue was a little choppy. There're also a few scenes at the cabin that are randomly spliced into conversations that come off as intrusive.

That's about it. I guess I'm just rehashing what the other readers have said. Sorry I couldn't offer more "useful" feedback but I think what you've got is good advice.

Anyway, nice job on your first feature length script. Good luck with the rewrite!

Matt,

Well I already read the first half of this and gave you some feedback through email, but I had a chance to finish it up today, and I figured I'd give you my take on the rest.

And it basically boils down to this:


SPOILERS


I agree with what has been said above.  Upon further explantion of your twist, I can see it now, and it's good, but in your script it's just not executed.  I think you can spare to flesh things out a few pages or so, and really leave the reader completely tuned in to what happened.

And I think I told you this in my initial email, but identify, identify, identify whether it's DAY or NIGHT in your sluglines.

Most of the characters on the whole were ok, but I'd like maybe a little bit more of Ron, Rex, and especially Michelle.  I think there has to be some sort of reason there that would make her discount Lucas so quickly.

I know you rushed through this, but I can't get on you for that myself, as I've been known to burn scripts out myself.  One thing I could recommend, is reading everything you've written previously prior to starting a new writing session.  It usually helps me to catch mistakes, and things that don't fit etc. etc.

yeah, thanks Mike for the comments. I'm going to add more of Ron and less of Michelle but what will be left of Michelle will be more varied so it's not repetitive like some people have said. I'm really not going to say too much more as I want to take all criticism objectively and re-write this sucker when I get the chance. Also thanks James for reading this too. It's okay that you didn't offer 'useful' feedback but you did echo everyone elses opinion meaning that I really need to work on it some more
-Matt

Hey just read this.

------SPOILERS------

It's a nice, character-driven piece of work I suppose. The suspense
is built up nicely and the twists and turns are actually quite good and
sometimes the reader thinks they may have worked things out only for
things to be dashed by another big twist in the plot.

As others have said the ending with Lucas ending up as the burnt man is
very confusing. I sort of worked it out but it took the little FAQ which you wrote
to truly make me understand.

Perhaps in a rewrite you could introduce a friend of Lucas' perhaps, someone apart from his girlfriend and grandmother who he drags into things.

And as for the scene with Mary and the little girls, well that was just weird.

--------------Spoilers----------

what makes the scene with the girls and mary weird? I was aiming for it to be scary and to show she couldn't escpape the nightmares, any suggestions on how to make it not weird if that is a big thing?

I didn't think the scene with Mary and the girls was wierd. I thought it was creepy. Most films of this kind don't pull stuff like that so I'd say leave it as is .

yeah I thought it worked out fine but I am open to peoples suggestions as to why it didn't work as they may not be in the minority once more people read it. Thanks for your input though James. Also, I like the new title for your upcoming script alot better than what you had

SPOILERS

Weird was the wrong word I suppose, it just seemed a little sort of out of place; I mean the film had mainly been about unseen horrors and then these thigns just appear and we assume that they kill mary.

SPOILERS

Ah.. I see where you are coming from.. Okay I will try and make it more clear that that scene was a dream. They weren't supposed to kill her, it was just meant to show that the nightmares got more intense and she couldn't just wake up from them when she tried. She had to sleep through the horrors for punishment of hiding the crime. I will try to make it somewhat clearer that that scene is a dream and that in reality nothing happens to her.
Thanks for your input. That might explain Bert's comment on asking what happened to Mary and I can see now how it might seem out of place. Thanks for responding and explaining yourself, that helps alot.
-Matt

That's fine, it's a nice creepy story you got there and one day I hope to see it at a cinema near me.

so after planning it all out in my head i am pretty sure i have fixed all the story issues that you guys have had so far
SPOILERS
i fixed the following

-i changed the bodies in the cabin part to get rid of the smell, i wont tell you how i resolved it but the new way works alot better and should get rid of all the plot holes associated with that part
-im going to flesh out the rules of who can hear the voices and who cant, and i will also use the voices less so they are not as cheesey or anything like that
-im going to take out some of the michelle plot and add in ron more, it will also tie into the end
-and speaking of the end, i hope that the ideas i have will clarify that and hopefully my big twist will be understood by the reader now. As for what happens to mary, michelle, ron and rex, ill flesh that out a little more without adding in anything unnecessary

so, basically the point of this post is to say that the planning for the re-write is all done. I already fixed up the beginning but I now have the rest of it all planned it and it's time to go through it and change the parts that have issues. I'll take my time with it but I thought I'd update people on how it's going. Thanks to everyone who read it, I appreciate it and i hope that a few of you will at least check the re-write when its all done
-Matt

I'll give it a look at some point this week and let you know what I think.

oh sorry for the confusion i didnt put the re-write up yet i was just commenting on how its going so far and letting everyone know what i fixed, it wont be a while until i submit anything i just didnt want people to think that i gave up on it or anything like that so i wanted to tell them what was going on with this project so james, no need to look at anything yet, just wanted to say its coming along nicely though

Okay, cool. The first part of the post made it seem like it was already finished. Anyway, I'll give it a look when it's up.

Ive read the first twenty pages of this.

So far you have used the plot effectivly to create mystery and intrigue. Your main character Lucus is keen to know the mystery shrouding the trail and so that makes me keen too.

So when it is revealed that the trail is haunted does this stop Lucus from being a sticky beack? Of coarse not.

Plus with the little hint of what lives on the trail you have built up suspence on top of your mystery.

I am commited to reading this to find out what is going on but i must admit the reason for Lucas obsession with the trail is a little weak. Makes him just nosey and kind of stupid. Curiosity for curiosity sake is not enough motivation for your character. You need a stronger reason for Lucas to go back to the trail.

I dunno but maybe like he is startled and loses the urn or something.

But other then that this is an enjoyable script that so far sets up a great mystery and demands I keep reading for closure's sake.

I hope Lucas gets his head ripped off  at the end or something cause I am not liking him. I'm just not into stupid nosey parkers.