I left a post on your own board about this script but you started reading this first. Due to the other comments about this script I've pretty much decided it's not worth a re-write. The story while I still think is pretty original and when executed right could be good it's too incoherent in its current state and I found it extremely hard to fix some things without messing other things up. If you get to the end and are extremely confused I made a post on the first page explaining what I intended to happen story wise. Comments about my writing technique and characters would be nice.

I agree that Lucas seems like he is just nosey and weak and it's something that if I ever did do a re-write I would fix. I hate stupid characters and I tried to create a reason for Lucas to be drawn to the woods which was his father and their relationship and as you get further into the script there is more to it. However, story wise like I said, I feel I failed miserably with this one

So, technique, dialogue, characters, any of that sort of script writing advice would be nice to know about but please dont be too harsh on my story if you end up getting the end and being extremely confused, dissapointed, whatever it may be. I'd appreciate reading my post to see where I was going so you don't think that it's just one big mess of a script and I appreciate the read in general. Check your post for details of when I'll have a review up.

I am now up to page 58. The middle and I am still enjoying it.

The one thing I am liking is the effect of Lucas obsession on michelle. he is really getting her quite peeved.  The last bit I read so far was the blow out the two had in the supermaket and Michelle almost hating him. this is good drama and I like how it is tearing apart their relationship you established at begining of story. makes all the more interesting.

Lucas is still a unlikable character and sort of under written. he has no real motivation. No common sense, no purpose. he is a character i just can't connect with or like. I just felt you could have fleshed him out more. gave him a desire, a hobby or interest, pet peeve or an ambition. he just needs more and as he is he is just more of a obvious plot device to move story forward or to unravel a mystery.  

But I do like the obssessive behaviour and you could of taken it up a notch. Plus do more with michelle, maybe instead of have her sitting around and complaining try to  have her active by trying to stop or distract Lucas to save their relationship.

I haven't finished yet and I will but from what I have read so far I feel the problem is not so much the script but the ideas. You should have fished for more ideas and shaped them and changed them before you started writing the script. in other words the idea should have been cooked a little bit longer.

For example the voices Lucas hear could be used as a tool to keep calling Lucas back to the trail cause they need rescuing or to be freed. this gives Lucas a very strong motivation to  keep going back.

It saddens me that you have abandonded this script cause I think there is a brillant story hidden in it and you need to massage it out. Re-writing it is not going to do it. You should start from scratch with the basic idea and mystery and have diffrent setting and characters and situations. Just treat like a new script.  

will post again when I finish the script.      

the last 30 pages of your script started to lose steam and once the pieces of the mystery all clicked into place  i started to lose interest.

the first 50 pages where great exploring the mystery. But for the most part like I said Lucus just seemed under wiritten and the climax and ending is sort of lacking needs more drama inserted to make it more explosive.  example would be when  revelaed what father did to girls and grandma had been guarding the secret she could have tried to kill Lucas to protect that secret or something like that.

I just felt the idea for your story was under developed.

But for a first script this was a good effort.  

So the only script writing advice I suggest is read up as much information about the craft of script writing. Such as plot structure, subtext, character development.

Oh yeah and keep writing.  

Like I said I abadoned this script as I felt like it was too incoherent and would require too many changes when I feel like I have other more developed ideas. As for your comments about reading up on plot structure and character development, I will take those into consideration although I feel I know a fair amount about the craft. The story for a first script I think was just beyond my execution.

It's funny you said that my ending needed more drama because I thought the ending was a big sucker punch twist on par with some of the best up there but I know from nearly every review that it's weak in its current state of execution. One last thing I ask of you is to read the post I made on the first page and tell me that were that the story you had read would the ending have been satisfying enough? It's a short post, it just explains who the burnt man is and other loose ends that were not tied up well enough as your explanation of what was wrong like all the other reviews tends to make me think that no one really has any clue what I was trying to say. My fault though as someone else said a script doesn't come with FAQ's and if the plot isn't coherent then it's no good.

Anyway, thank you for every much for your read. I'm enjoying your script and can tell that you are a quality writer and I will try some of the suggestions you have pointed out to better my next effort. Writing takes time and it's something that I am starting to gain a great passion for so any advice from those that know what they're doing is appreciated.

I did as you asked and looked at the post you did regarding the ending. I wasn't really confused when i read it, I just sort of accepeted the twist and didn't question it.

But the way you explain the twist I only have one word for it.  Gimmick.

I'm not a big fan of the big twist ending and it is difficult to write because every scene in the script is a leg to support that one twist. If the supports are weak the whole story will collaspe and be a mess.

I refuse to write a twist script ( eg: The sixth sense) cause it is just to complex and difficult and gimmicky.  I certainly wouldn't recomened inexperienced writers to do it either. it is just to easy stuff up.  

basic three act structures are the easiest story structures to hone your skills on and once you get bored with them just move on to more complex story structures like Momento or Pulp Fiction.

Quoted Text As for your comments about reading up on plot structure and character development, I will take those into consideration although I feel I know a fair amount about the craft.

I'm sorry Sfpunk but that is just the wrong attitude when it comes to writing, You never know enough. There is always something new to learn regarding writing.

I am currently writing my fourth feature length script and still haven't fully grasped the raising the stake rules, effective dramatical conflict and the whole third act structure.

I am still trying to figure it out.

Thank you for your comments. That is why I didn't go back and re-do this script as I realized with the twist it was too hard and complex for a first time script and I knew that it would take an unimaginable amount of time to make it work when I have plenty of other ideas I could move on to. As for it being a gimmick, I think if everything was as well executed as it could be it wouldn't be a gimmick. The script was supposed to be a representation of how you can't escape your past and how you are always be haunted by it and I think if it done right it wouldn't be gimmicky and the ending would be well supoorted, grounded and hopefully shocking. However, it's not done right and it never will be until I become a more experienced writer and decide I have the time and the knowledge to handle it.

I'm sorry if my comment came off as sounding cocky. I realize there is more to learn. I was just simply stating that even though this was my first script I didn't just write it blindly without any research into how a script should be put together. I understand it may seem that way but I just wanted to point out that that wasn't the case and I did so some research. Anyway, thank you very much, I'm still working on your script, finals are limiting my time but I'll get to it.