good script, you have a great nag for horror scripts James, I think you pay homage to alot of old 70's types which has been done but not as well as this...great read....nice and smooth.

jake

Thanks for the read, Jake. Glad you liked it.

Glad you're planning on reading this as well, Chris. I was planning on reading Marigold myself. I've yet to read anything in the action genre.

I read your script as well and I have to say it is pretty entertaining.  I had a hard time at first wanting to like it because it reminded me so much of the film Hostel, which I hated with a passion.  However, you made this story much more interesting in the fact that the monks had a little more personality to them, rather than the businessmen in Hostel.  

I liked the three personalities of the protagonists, they seemed to mesh together very well.  The pacing was great, I am a big fan of build up horror films in lieu of non-stop killing from beginning to end.  I like to know who is being killed, and I if I should give a damn about them when they are being killed.  

As George said above, the character of Jacque seemed to be wasted.  I think he could have had a bigger impact with his information, but in no way did it take away from your screenplay.

The only real problem I had was Jimmy's Terminator like quality of eating injuries.  I am not looking at the script right now, but if I am correct, he was stabbed in the hip, calf, shoulder, burned on the chest, and lost his Achilles Tendon and was still able to fight back.  That seemed a little ridiculous.  Other than that though, it kept me reading and I give you a lot of credit for that.  You used the same formula as Hostel, but you did something different.  You made it worthwhile.

Great screenplay, James.  
  

Thanks for the read, Guy. I'm glad you liked it despite the Hostel similarities.

I completely understand what you're saying about Jimmy. It is a little unrealistic. His torture stays. I intended for his torture to be as severe as Marty's so people wouldn't think Marty got it worse because he's an atheist. Everything has to be an allegory with some people, you know? So I tried to keep my views on religion as ambiguous as possible. Also, I think it's much more satisfying for a hero to take down a villain after they've been brutalized rather than going in with even odds. I guess a could soften the other stuff a little since Renard could probably overpower Jimmy just as well without hurting him that much.

I'm still not quite sure what to do with Jacque. His role in stronger here than in the last draft but I still get what you're saying.

Thanks again.

i dont know what to say that hasnt already been said...

i really liked this. some of the torture scenes get a little carried away but hey its a horror flick!
Sure the Hostel similariteis are there, but who cares  - no one will remember that lame movie in two years anyway.....

this has way more potential with some further character development

Notes/Review
SPOILERS THROUGHOUT

1: A single toilet flushes IN a dingy public bathroom. Is a 'single' toilet really necessary?  I don't even know if there's anything but a single, but what do I know.

2: I believe that INSERT should be a SUPER.

12: The Brokeback reference...in 5 years nobody is going to know what the hell that means.  Now Ren&Stimpy, now everyone knows them, but Hollywood is making so many unforgettable films that you'd be safer cracking a joke from a film like American Beauty or Gladiator or something.

19: Something seems rushed here.  They're panicked, they're about to leave, Monk asks for their names and without hesitation they tell him.  May want to put some hesitation or an extra line in there.

21: Luc and Francois say shtuff in French.  From what I get, that part probably won't be subtitled because it's actually pointless information for them to say that they're Americans in French.  The audience knows that.  I'd probably just cut those 2 lines and put something in like "Luc and Francois speak in French for a moment."

27: Use an OS for Renard since he's offscreen

39: Renard is asking what they're doing up, but my question is what is he doing up?

52: Renard: WE welcomed you into our home with open arms.

53: HA.  I love Mike's answering machine.

56: An electric pencil sharpener?  There haven't been any signs of electricity in the monestary at all, so how can he work it?  Unless this is some battery powered pencil sharpener which I'm unaware of.

79: His tongue hangs down on his robes like a necktie.  Hahaha.  The story has been moving along at a quick pace.   I didn't realize I was already on page 80.

82: Jimmy took a hell of a beating.  I just don't think he'd be able to get changed after going through something like that.

I read a couple of the other reviews so some of this may be repetitive.  You said that you were going for a slow buildup, and it shows.  The first 50 pages or so made this seem more like a dramatic piece than a horror flick.  In fact, I think this may have worked better as a dramatic piece which I'll get to later.  You need more of a hook in the beginning to get the reader more interested.  For the first act it's basically 3 friends drinking wine and meeting these lonely monks.  I think maybe if you starting with a religious bang, that would raise the interest level, since religious discussions seem to bring out the worst in people.

I compared the characters in this with your "Kiss of the Locust," and I was actually very pleased.  They weren't fantastic, but they did have alot more depth.  I actually think the characters in your shorts are the most enjoyable.  Maybe if you can adapt them to your features then you'd really be getting far.  

The dialogue was kind of extensive at times.  The part where Jimmy is talking about his art skills, he kind of just rambles on about shtuff, and one thing that I felt was incomplete was that his drawing talent didn't come back at any point in the story.  I was kind of expecting that somewhere else.  Another example is where they meet Jacque and he goes on and on about Renard.  Maybe some more buildup when they first meet him, then he can ramble.

And of course the gore.  Around page 55 or 60 the story just took off.  Loved the descriptions of the torture chamber and the torturing process.  I don't know how much of it you could actually film though.  Luc's jaw getting ripped off and "his tongue hanging like a necktie" may not go well with the producers.  I'd love to see it happen, but gore like that is very questionable with today's overly conservative and sensitive audiences.  

Also, Jimmy gets his ass handed to him on practically every page after 60, and here he is getting changed, and moving around, then fighting Renard.  I've never been tortured or anything, but it's just not that believable for someone to be able to move like that after being tortured.  But that's just me.  

Earlier I said this may work better as a dramatic piece.  Well, actually, this is kind of like two stories within one.  You could go down the religious corruption path and turn it into a drama, but you'd have to cut the gore out.  No pun intended.  On the other hand, since this is deliciously gorey, I strongly suggest you add more hooks in the beginning to keep this as a solid horror story.  

So overall I found this story to be very interesting and it did satisfy my gore hunger.  I like how you created this group of monks branched away from the Church and then you did a fantastic job with developing the side of religious corruption.  It could create controversy which is always a good thing.  I think you take two evils here and combine them into something fantastic.

Religion+gore.  How can you go wrong?  I enjoyed the story very much and my only real complaint is the lack of hooks in the beginning.  Otherwise, it was speedy and gruesome.  Well done

My review will probably be short but hopefully helpful.

Right from the start, we get to know the characters a little with the lenghty conversation they are having. It's good, sets the mood a little with the chat about religion.
I really like the setting, the vineyard at the church. There's a horror flick called "The Vineyard" in which a crazed old guy uses his victims blood to make his infamous wine. The idea was pretty promising but the delivery was bad to be kind. I wonder if this might go down the same direction, but actually deliver?

We shall see!

Its so far so good, Renard inviting them to dinner reminded me of the old Dracula movies, particularly Prince Of Darkness. This is a good thing.

The dialouge is also spot on, it's pretty amusing at times and also informal of what the characters are thinking without dragging. What I wouldnt mind seeing is a little more description of the rooms; creating a little more atmosphere. The description you give of the kitchen is good, it's simple effective and you can pretty much picture the scene. IF you could describe the other rooms earlier, like the dining room perhaps and the bedrooms, with that small ammount of detail it will surely benefit.

As soon as Francois begins to let Dana and Jimmy know that he's more or less not allowed to leave, they do not seem to really take in their situation. Although they are not stranded, they already have their suspicions and this would have convinced them a little more its probably not the best place to stay.

After the meeting with Jaque, and the new knowledge on Renard, I would certainly want to be leaving that place. Thankfully, Marty shares my wisdom!

Slight mistake on p 52. I think you mean "We welcomed you..."

The porridge scenario goes on a little. It's poisoned/ drugged and although Jimmy tries to avoid eating it, he ends up doing so. I like the idea of using porridge, but it also seems to take a while for the inevitable to happen.

It's good so far though, it really is at a good pace and the story does not drag at all.

In the torture chamber, Jimmy is shackled down and manages to say the F word five times ina row in different sentences. If I was about to be tortured, I certainly wouldnt be saying "Crikey" but if you maybe just trimmed it a little as it comes across pretty funny but takes away the edge a little. If it was intentional, it was amusing but I think less said would impact a lot more.

The torture scenes make me think that maybe Francois could have revealed unwittingly a scar earlier on? Perhaps he was "persuaded" to join the Monks, and not so willingly after all...Just an idea.

Oh, the Torturer is Francois. Kind of blows my idea away. I wasnt really expecting it, I was expecting him to come in and save the day. It seems predictable now I know but it honestly surprised me so well done for that!

Francois's apparent death, violent and probably warranted was well done with him looking at the locket of his daughter. Nice touch.

Jimmy must be bleeding like a fountain, the ammout of slices he's had is numerous but he keeps going. Glad you recognized this slightly by at least letting him cover up one of his wounds!

A good ending, really well done actually.
I enjoyed reading this James and you wrote it really well, the pace was good and never dropped once it really began. The first part, for me, was the most enjoyable. You had some good characters and a nice setting. Nothing was really rushed and I enjoyed the pace of what was happening. The second part, the torture scenes and the finale were good and well written also.

All the best with this and any future scripts you have planned,

Another great script, James. I especially loved the torture scenes.

Thanks for the reads, guys.

Greg - I agree with most of what you've said, especially about Jimmy's ability to sustain punishment at near the end. A couple people have already hounded me about so that's going to change for sure. I disagree about the Brokeback Mountain bit though. It's a film about gay cowboys (not that there's anything wrong with that ). At the very least, people will be talking about it for the next five years. And I'm quite certain, I've seen a battery powered pencil sharpener before. Anyway, glad you enjoyed it.

Scoob - Thanks for the review. I'll get around to reading Season of the Devil at some point. I'd like to check out a few of the One Week Challenge entries though and I'm a little busy as it is but I'll get around to it.

Ghost - Thanks for the read.

I can't read it, some weird text is still coming up

James, I finally finished your script *I'm a busy, important person  * For the most part it was good.

POSITIVES:

* The dialogue was exellant.

* You really built strong characters with this one, the talk about religon was really good in here.

* Going into this I thought "Oh god pages 1-70 will be a snooze" but read to find exactly the opposite. Good job keeping it going.

* The kill scenes were great, as are all your kills. Good job *weirdo :p*

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISISM:

* When the group met the monks they just decided to just go with some freaky guys with little discussion about it. Maybe they could drive off after politely declining and their tires go over some spikes or something..shit i dont know.

* Again they just decide to stay with these creepy monks they just met. It needs more discussion about it.

* You need more description about the gothic atmosphere. I just didnt feel it simply because you didnt describe it enough.

* Jimmy's weird ability to be completely fucked beyond repair and still fight is a lie. It bothered me that he had his achelies *i cant spell* tendon torn out and could even move. If that was me i'd been crying in pain on the floor like a little bitch.

Thats about it. It was a damn good read and obviously well polished. Congrats.

*** 1/2 out of *****

*yes i changed it to five stars...its easier that way.*

Hey James,

As promised - I've read House of God and written a review. Sorry for the delay, I'm having lots of things due for school (end of year), and it is hard for me to get through a feature length because of it.

Anyway, I liked it. The first half is a little slow and boring, but I see you already clarified that on the first post of this thread - but you've definately got the atmosphere right on, which is great.

The first half, I think, is the build-up of the characters. The only problem is, the main characters need to be a it more explained. But, as mentioned by Redeemer, the Francois was well planned out - I think you got the most out of his character - but maybe a little more about his wife and daughter could have been in there.

The dialouge was great, one of the best parts. This adds to the atmosphere, which is a key for a gothic horror script such as this.

Ha! And the torture sequences! The first half starts a bit slow, and then WHAM! Pieces of flesh flying all over the place! You put quite a few gore references in this, and also limited yourself - and this limit was perfect. Any more and it would've been a bit too much, less and it wouldn't have captured a shock effect. Without these parts, the screenplay would be a bit boring.

The formatting was nice. A few mistakes here and there, but nothing much. It also looks great transferred into PDF.

Anyway, good job with this. The stories and characters were well planned, nethertheless some flaws - which could be fixed easily.

I hope this review was of some use to you - and sorry again for the delays.

Curse! =]

Thanks for the review, Curse. Glad you liked it. Expect a review for #747 later today.

The reason I have never been to big a fan of the horror genre is that most of the movies in it can become so unrealistic taking many unbelievable liberties.  Unfortunately, your script was no exception,  of course, you can easily take care of these and get your script back on track, of course you don’t have to, because many people wouldn’t notice or care, and would just be enthralled by the gore and the action (Which was definitely, and I’m sure you have tons for that).

If you do want to fix up the stuff that is unbelievable (which I think you should) here are the major problems I found:  

1.The kids need further motivation to stay at the creepy monastery for dinner, and tons more to spend the night.  No one would spend the night at a creepy monastery for culture.  I know it is cliché, but perhaps a flat tire?  Then when they are in Lione and are contemplating going back, a promise is not enough motivation either, perhaps one of them accidentally left something important there, and since they are going back anyway they might as well spend the night.

2.Very little torture will make someone talk.  The kids would say they would join at the first twinge of pain.  Perhaps you could have them agree, but have the torturers no that they are lying and continue to torture them.  Ever read Orwell’s 1984?  There is a torture scene where someone (won’t ruin it for the non-reader) tortures Winston.  He admits to anything they want him to, but they continue to torture because they know he is lying.  Maybe you could model it after this.

3.Jimmy’s capabilities after being tortured are unreal.  If you have him tortured less, or differently, this won’t be a problem, but after that much loss of blood, he could not do nearly as much as he did.

Alright, if you fix those, and polish the spelling (I didn’t find any, but I’m sure there’s at least one), Grammar (places where you probably wrote one thing, and decided to change it and accidentally repeated a word or screwed up the tense) and format (adding or subtracting stuff would throw off your spacing), you’ve got a grade A horror script!

-Tyler
PS- sorry for being sort of late!

Thanks for the review, Tyler.

Not sure what to make of your first comment. I thought I was in pretty good shape in regards to the motivations of the characters staying at the monastery. They have no reason not to trust the monks as at this point, they've shown them nothing but kindness and the interior of the monastery is supposed to appear more inviting than intimidating (as opposed to the outside). In staying, they don't have to spend their precious Euros on a hotel either. Also, I hate to bring up Hostel again (as the similarities between it and my own script are an unhappy coincidence) but real world backpackers commonly stay at hostels (real hostels, not Eli Roth hostels), which are essentially abandoned warehouses full of beds and shady roommates who could easily screw you over in more ways than one in the middle of the night. If real people stay at places like these, I don't see any problem with these characters staying with seemingly benevolent monks.

The second return was a little complicated at first but I think I got that covered as well. First off, Dana doesn't even believe the story and she's the one driving the car. Jimmy also finds in the monks what he doesn't find in his friends (appreciation), which is why he decides to return (thanks to George Willson for this bit ).

Your second comment is a bit more complicated but an excellent point, one I toiled over for some time while writing the script. With both Jimmy and Marty, I figured they'd be so overwhelmed by panic, pain, or impending shock initially that they wouldn't know what to say to their torturers to get them to stop. Also, with Marty, I tried to convey that he was somewhat confused as to why he was being tortured at all. I also figured they'd try to talk their way at least once before giving in. Still, your point is a solid one. Perhaps all this isn't enough to be realistic. I'll think about how to handle this one. One problem, however, is that if Jimmy even lied about joining, the torture would stop immediately since it's Francois who's doing it and who would stop even if he knew Jimmy was lying just because he doesn't want to torture him at all.

As for your last comment, you're completely right. I've already gotten a lot of comments about the aftermath of Jimmy's torture and have made a lot of changes already.

Thanks again for the read.

Any other takers? I'm pretty close to a hot thread .