Slaughter by Guy Jackson - Horror - In 1996, a reclusive butcher is wrongfully accused of killing a young woman in a small town in Pennsylvania.  He is lynched in the slaughterhouse that he works at and is left for dead.  The local urban legend states that ever since that day, anyone who enters the slaughterhouse is doomed.  Ten years later, a group of college students will look to to see if that urban legend is actually true for a school project.   92 pages - pdf, format

I never thought I would ever see the day where "Guy Jackson" and "Horror" would be on the same line.  But here it is.  My horror virginity has been taken.

Your read will be much appreciated, Tomson.    

Augh! Jackson! It happened again! I tried reading this, but it only came up in the weird font again! The only way I can read it is if I copy and paste it onto word or something.

Sean

Haha!  What the hell man?  I might have to start submitting it in html format so you can read it.

Do you have Adobe reader?  If you don't go here:

http://www.adobe.com/products/acrobat/readstep2.html

Download the Adobe Reader, and then you should be able to read my PDF formatted scripts.      

OK, I just read this and I thought it was great.

SPOILERS


I like the prologue/opening scene. That was kinda creepy where Willie's eyes just snap open after he was hung.

The characters are well-developed and real humorous (I was laughing when Shayna bend down to reach over for her pen and then the proffessor started to choke on his speech). And of course, that was kinda heartbreaking when Rachel said to Katie, "You can't die, you b****, your going to Nationals with me remember?" and then she dies. Sad.

Anyways, I thought the kills were good, and the bucket scene where the group is chanting the prayer is real creepy and even creepier when we see the head come out of the bucket.

Great job.

ET

Thanks ET, I really appreciate your review.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.  One of the main things I wanted to do with this script was have characters that were developed and gave the reader a reason to care about them.  I didn't want to make them perfect, goody-two shoes prep kids, but I didn't want to make them stupid and archetypical college kids.  These are exact replicas of the students at my former university.  You know, they aren't perfect, they smoke, drink, have sex, etc., but they aren't scumbags or pricks that you can't wait to be killed.  At least I hope they weren't.  They are just a group of college kids having fun in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Another thing I really wanted to do with this screenplay was make it humorous.  Because too often, horror scripts take themselves too seriously and it is just a boring chase fest for 90 minutes.  I wanted to give my characters some life, because let's face it, us college kids are funny as hell.  But it truly was a blast writing some of these dialogue lines, especially Justin's.  He says some hilarious stuff.

Once again, I thank you wholeheartedly for checking my screenplay out.  This was my first horror script, but I have a feeling it won't be my last.  I always thought I was an action writer, but horror is very fun to write.  I hope others share your same opinion about this script.          

Hey, everyone. I'm new to this site, so last night I decided to take as look and comment on this script. I'm sorry for not being able to post this sooner.

Now I'm far from an expert in this, but I felt like you built up the characters very well....then killed half of them off way too quickly, like you were eager to get to the killings.

Treating this as a Slasher, I also would've wanted a more wide array of weapons for the killer to use, and longer death sequences. But that's just me

Other than that I thought it was good. Almost no typos and pretty well written, in my opinion. As a new writer, I really enjoyed reading this.

Quoted from ReaperCreeper Now I'm far from an expert in this, but I felt like you built up the characters very well....then killed half of them off way too quickly, like you were eager to get to the killings.

That's how I am sometimes. I think up great deaths for my characters, and I rush through the script to get to their death scene.  

Sean

Quoted from ReaperCreeper Hey, everyone. I'm new to this site, so last night I decided to take as look and comment on this script. I'm sorry for not being able to post this sooner. Now I'm far from an expert in this, but I felt like you built up the characters very well....then killed half of them off way too quickly, like you were eager to get to the killings. Treating this as a Slasher, I also would've wanted a more wide array of weapons for the killer to use, and longer death sequences. But that's just me Other than that I thought it was good. Almost no typos and pretty well written, in my opinion. As a new writer, I really enjoyed reading this.

You have no reason to apologize.  Thanks for reading.  I hope you found it entertaining.

I can see how the kills seemed to be very quick in succession, but I didn't want to drag a whole group of kids throughout the slaughterhouse for the entire movie.  The movie is really about Justin and Rachel.  The kill scenes however I believe can be seen as tame.  I didn't want to be too over the top with them, but I think some of them can use some brushing up on.

Thanks again (I'm not calling you Meat, cause thats gay for a dude to call another dude meat) so I'll just call you dude.  Thanks dude, you advice will be considered.      

Hi, first of all I’d like to say that reviewing someone else’s work is easier than revising your own. I hope you take all the comments I make in a constructive way, I say this because I know I’m not the greatest writer so I have a hard time making criticisms when I know My work is not as good. Now that I got that out of the way here I go.

First of all on when you introduce the characters in page 1 you say “A group of young
adult men is walking quickly in one direction. There are
about five in the group.” How can there be “About five”? There either are 5 or there aren’t. Just wirte "5 young men walk down the road". There is also a direction that says “CLOSE ON KNIFE CUTTING RAW MEAT” there really isn’t any need for this because the director will make that call. Focus on the story not how it will look on screen. It’s not a shooting script.

You have descriptions like “Through a small square window on the freezer door, a man is shown cutting meat at a long table against a wall in a bland looking room.” Don’t tell me what is shown, show me. You could change that to “ A MAN cuts meat at a long table against a wall in a bland looking room” It takes away the small square window but it makes the description a little better. The other one just sounds weird. And remember show me, don’t tell me what is shown.

Also you write in passive voice, you HAVE to use active voice. You could change “A man in a white butcher’s coat and black boots has finished cutting meat and is packing it up into small packages.” Into “A man in a white butcher’s coat and black boots potently stuffs meat into small packages.” To give you a simpler example never write “A boy is flying a kite”, write “A boy flies a kite”. Scripts can’t be written in passive voice, it takes away the action.

Sorry about being picky, but to show you another example you could change “Bobby and his friends are walking through a cold room with torsos of meat hanging from the ceiling” to ““Bobby and his friends WALK through a cold room with torsos of meat hanging from the ceiling”. That sounds a lot better.

I don’t mean to re-write your screenplay, I just want to give you some advice because I think you might have potential. Anyway, I’m not in the mood for a scary story right now, but I just wanted to give you some feedback. I’ll finish reviewing when I’m in the mood for some scares. In the mean time, think about the active voice, it WILL make the story more engaging.

Okay Jackson, I downloaded Adobe Reader (apparently I haven't upgraded in a while) so I am going to read your script and give it a review.

Sean

SPOILER SPACE


Hey, Jackson, just got done reading this. I must say, for your first horror script (this is your first horror script, isn't it?) this is actually pretty good. Though many slasher films have been butchered (sorry for the pun) this one was decent and I liked it.

But let me pull out a few quotes I enjoyed from your script...:

Quoted from Slaughter It is a very sensual and intimate sexual encounter right up to orgasm.

Quoted from Slaughter You guessed it. More bubbles. But not too obvious.

and

Quoted from Slaughter Rachel continues to look on. She has a smile on her face. Justin might win!

I like it how you add in phrases as if you are telling a story.

But now to your script:

I liked the characters. They were developed well and the dialogue was nice. Your format was A-okay, and I understand what people are talking about how you killed your characters off too fast. At first I thought they were talking about killing everyone off at the very beginning, but now I see that they died about five minutes in between. But that's cool. Being sadistic like I am, I don't mind.

Your description was well and I could picture the whole thing in my head, and I laughed at a few parts, like with the professor and that slut, Stoner (such an odd name! Lol) dreaming, etc. And the chant was actually creepy, with the rhyme and everything.

Like MeatfortheBeast said, there could have been more weapons he could have used (besides the knife and the meat hook), but it's all good. And you got me at one part when Rachel was about to get Willie with the guillotine, but it didn't work. I was all tensed up for the killing of Willie, but it didn't work and that was when I said, "Oh crap."

I loved it.

Sean

I'll Write as I Read




SPoilers











Pg 1-5 - I read the first scene; It flowed well. Nice opening!

Pg 21 - Wow! This isn't dragging at all - I'm on page 20 already! I like Rachel the most out of all the characters(Probably because you're focusing on her most-i predict she's the main survivor)

Pg 23 - This story reminds me a lot of the movie "The Slaughterhouse Massacre". That movie is ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE though. I mean UNBELIEVABLY BAD - avoid it at all cost unless you want to see the similarities it has with your script. The villain's name was Marty Sickle and dies the same way Willie dies in the beginning (Electrocuted in the butcher's tub). I can't remember details though.

Pg 24 - Stoner is a poor storyteller...he makes it seem like a newspaper article. but then again...i don't know how he speaks. By the way...Is Stoner his real name...or a nickname?

Pg 42 - Creepy -- I swear i remember a similar thing happening in the film i mentioned before - where an object falls in the water and some guy digs for it while bubbles are coming up...

Pg 44 - Katie, What the heck is wrong with her? Why'd she run off? Better to be lost with other people then to be lost alone. Every slasher has this though. I call it the "Dumb Bitch Move". One of the worst one's has to be in Scream when Tatum tries to fit her wide ass through a doggy door! LOL! that's still funny after ten years...Sorry for going off topic.

Pg 47 - "Cuts his torso in half" Nasty!

Pg 59 - Most of your character's are already dead and this would be barely past the hour mark. Usually it's reverse - they don't start dying til just before the hour mark.

Pg 71 - "...reaches the lunch tables...he throws them behind him...Rachel and Justin manage to stay one table ahead" This reminds me of that scene in Halloween: H20 - it was great here too.

Pg 74 - Inside a locker at a slaughterhouse peering through the 3 horizontal slits...sounds familiar...TCM (2003) maybe? Or maybe i just watch too many movies!

Pg. 76 - Aww....Too Bad, he died - I feel sorry for Rachel

Pg. 78 - Oh Jeez! Stoner's still alive! I forgot all about him. I  intially thought he'd be the first to go.

Pg 82 - When all else fails and the body count is low - Rent - A - Cop!

Pg 90 - Why of all people...did Stoner Survive? I never expected him to survive.


First and formost...I want to apologize for comparing your script to one of the the worst movies I've seen this millenium, The Slaughterhouse Massacre. This was so much better than that steaming pile of - sorry, i'm just upset i wasted $2 for the rental. This was pretty solid. The only problem was that it was way too simple and it seemed really short. It was a quick and entertaining read.

                                                                                                                               -Shawn

Quoted from Zombie Sean SPOILER SPACE Hey, Jackson, just got done reading this. I must say, for your first horror script (this is your first horror script, isn't it?) this is actually pretty good. Though many slasher films have been butchered (sorry for the pun) this one was decent and I liked it. But let me pull out a few quotes I enjoyed from your script...: and I like it how you add in phrases as if you are telling a story. But now to your script: I liked the characters. They were developed well and the dialogue was nice. Your format was A-okay, and I understand what people are talking about how you killed your characters off too fast. At first I thought they were talking about killing everyone off at the very beginning, but now I see that they died about five minutes in between. But that's cool. Being sadistic like I am, I don't mind. Your description was well and I could picture the whole thing in my head, and I laughed at a few parts, like with the professor and that slut, Stoner (such an odd name! Lol) dreaming, etc. And the chant was actually creepy, with the rhyme and everything. Like MeatfortheBeast said, there could have been more weapons he could have used (besides the knife and the meat hook), but it's all good. And you got me at one part when Rachel was about to get Willie with the guillotine, but it didn't work. I was all tensed up for the killing of Willie, but it didn't work and that was when I said, "Oh crap." I loved it. Sean

Haha, thank you Sean, I really appreciate your review.  I am glad you enjoyed it.  Yes this was my first horror screenplay and it was a lot of fun to write.  I'm also very happy you liked the way I presented the subtext with the phrases.  That was something I wanted to try out and it appears to be getting some good feedback.  I think it makes the screenplay more personable to the person reading.  Because horror is all about suspense and twists and turns so you have to steer the reader in a certain direction if you want to pull a twist on them.  So a la "Justin might win!" I wanted the reader to feel that hey, maybe this might be a different horror script where the balsy boyfriend might actually live.  Haha but not today.

With the sex scene, I had some experimentation with because I didn't want it to become some immature description of the act (like some people do on here).  I was on here before asking how to write a sex scene and many told me that it should be left to the readers imagination.  Plus the main reason for the scene is to show that Rachel and Justin really care about one another and for it to be an intimate moment.  Not some athletic fuck fest.  Plus I'll leave the details to the director if this ever gets made.  Hopefully, it will be me directing and I'll make myself Justin's stunt double.

Moving on with your review, I'm glad the description helped you visualize that setting.  That's a big plus.  And I am really staring to agree with you guys on the lack of weapons Willie uses.  I must confess, I don't have that sick and creative of a mind for slashers, hehe.  If you guys have any suggestions for weapons that would be found in the slaughterhouse, please drop them here.  I would be most grateful.

Finally, the guillotine part was a cool scene to write because I wanted it to seem like it was the end, but it wasn't.  I'm glad the suspense was built up and you actually thought Willie was going to be beheaded.

Thanks again, Sean.    

Quoted from guyjackson With the sex scene, I had some experimentation with because I didn't want it to become some immature description of the act (like some people do on here).  I was on here before asking how to write a sex scene and many told me that it should be left to the readers imagination.  Plus the main reason for the scene is to show that Rachel and Justin really care about one another and for it to be an intimate moment.  Not some athletic fuck fest.  Plus I'll leave the details to the director if this ever gets made.  Hopefully, it will be me directing and I'll make myself Justin's stunt double.

And suddenly "The Cabin" comes back into mind....


Sean

Thank you for the in depth review, Shawn.  I'll go through each of your statements with my responses.

Pg 1-5 - I'm glad you enjoyed my opening.  I wanted a solid opening to explain most of Willie's story.  

Pg 21 - That's awesome that you are flying through the script fast.  That shows me that it flows together well and isn't boring.  Rachel is definately the girl I wanted people rooting for thoughout the script.  So I'm glad you already have a postive view about her this early in the script.

Pg 23 - I saw the Slaughterhouse Massacre as well!  That movie is atrocious.  It definately had an influence on my screenplay.  I liked the premise of a slaughterhouse.  It seems so simple yet it hasn't been used all that much.  So I wanted to test it out.  I think I wrote a review on Slaughterhouse Massacre as well in the reviews section here.  

Pg 24 - With Stoner's story I was trying to make it seem like some pot head speaking random lines.  It probably comes across very rigid but it's supposed to be like a child speaking, since he's so dumb.  Stoner is a nickname.  I didn't feel like giving him a name since I would be refering to him as Stoner thoughout the whole script.    

Pg 42 - Yeah the water tub with the camera is definately a cliche gag.  I wanted to build some suspense before Willie actually showed up.  

Pg 44 - Yeah I was a little iffy about Katie running off.  I needed to get the group separated without it being cheesy, but I guess you just can't.  Yeah that Scream scene with Rose McGowan was so stupid, yet it was hilarious.    

Pg 47 - Is it wrong to have enjoyed writing Matthew getting cut like that?  Haha.  

Pg 59 - Yeah I've been getting a lot of complaints about the characters dying off too soon.  As I said before I wanted it to be Justin and Rachel.  I didn't want a big group trying to run throughout the slaughterhouse, it would have been too repettive and hard to write every single one those characters' actions.  I still think I'm going to stand by with my decision.  I appreciate the feedback, however.    

Pg 71 - You got me.  This was definately a homage to H20.  That scene was so awesome in that movie, I had to show my appreciation.  

Pg 74 - I did see the 2003 TCM but I don't remember that scene.  If it's in there, that's cool.  I didn't take it from there, though.

Pg. 76 - Heh, sorry Rachel.

Pg. 78 - Yep, Stoner is still roaming around.  

Pg 82 - Of course!  What's a horror film without the hick rent-a-cop?

Pg 90 - Yeah, I wanted the ending to be surprising.  Everyone I have talked to has asked me why the two people that engaged in "bad" behavior.  (Rachel - Premarital Sex, Stoner - drug use) survived.  Just trying something different.  I actually was going to have a different ending.  I don't know if you have seen The Descent, but that film had a ending where no one survives, and that intrigued me.  I was going to have Rachel think she escaped, but wake up still in the slaughterhouse with Willie standing right abover her, then SMASH TO BLACK.  But I thought that might be a little harsh, because I liked the character of Rachel, hehe.  I pictured her being played by like a Anne Hathaway or something, and I was like "I can't let you die!" haha.    

Anyway, thanks again for reading, Shawn.  I take it you enjoyed it and I really appreciate it.  You were right about the Slaughterhouse Massacre having some influence on this script.  I thought iwas a fantastic story, it's just Paul Gagne doesn't know how to make movies.  He killed that film, when I think it could have been pretty decent.  If I ever get this made, I will definately give him a story a credit if he wants it, because I liked the premise, just not the actual movie.

This was my first horror script so I can see it being simple.  I haven't gotten those little intracacies that make a horror script seem more complex yet, but I will definately keep working at it.  

Quoted from Guy Jackson Pg 47 - Is it wrong to have enjoyed writing Matthew getting cut like that?  Haha.

I think that was the greatest death in this script. I was like "Oooh!" when that happened.

Sean

I pictured Rachel as Missy Peregrym - the girl from Life as We Know It and Stick It. I think she'd be awesome in a Horror movie!

Quoted from Shawnkjr I pictured Rachel as Missy Peregrym - the girl from Life as We Know It and Stick It. I think she'd be awesome in a Horror movie!

Ooh, I like that!  She is frackin hot.  And she could do the track scenes too since she was pretty athletic in Stick It.  

I'm definately being Justin's stunt double for that sex scene!  

Quoted from Zombie Sean I think that was the greatest death in this script. I was like "Oooh!" when that happened. Sean

Yeah it's a pretty cool way to die.  I was like everyone seems to get his/her torso chopped off at the waist, but no one ever gets split in half from the bottom up.  

Okay Guy,

Read this over the last couple of days. I think the reason I decided to, was because I liked Mercenary and thought you wrote action well. I guess I wanted to see what you’d do with horror. BTW I voted for Mercenary in the now 747’d Simply Awards thing.

Here’s my take on your first horror for what it’s worth (it’s not every day you can get your stuff read by a slightly odd, cranky old bat, so feel special).

SPOILERS:

Great beginning action sequence, cutting between the five guys and the knife cutting meat and the girl. The beginning of Mercenary was even greater, but I think that means you know how to get our attention early.

I like how you kill off Willie. It doesn’t work of course, but you did good there.

Awww, poor Professor. Naughty, naughty girl! Messing with an old man like that. I would never have done something like that!.............Too subtle!

I think you did well on developing the characters. I actually cared for all of them, even Stoner. Even though he’s a stoner, he seems like a likable guy, so well done.

The sex scene you handled well. You didn’t go “The Cabin” on us and left most of it to our own imagination, which is where it belongs since everyone has a different idea of what is good or bad.

The flashbacks while Stoner is telling the story works well.

From here on it gets a little less interesting, for me at least. Please don’t take me wrong, your writing is nice, but it just feels to me that I’ve seen this before. Young people, looking for a thrill, having a camera, going somewhere creepy and it’s intended as a joke. I really do think your beginning was the best part. I’m sorry.

The chanting, the bubbles in the tub and Willie’s head was good. To be honest with you, I kinda enjoy reading horror written by an action guy, moves quick and well.

The killing of Matthew was one of the better ones, but I think this is where your action writing doesn’t work. A lot of times in action movies (this is just my opinion) the kills are fairly clean, a bullet or two to the forehead or getting run over by a run away Mack truck. In horror, we want to see the gore and the real horror. If Willie is slicing Matthew up from the gut shouldn’t the innards at least be spilling out? Maybe a sick cracking sound as the rib cartilage is broken, something, gross us out!

I also do feel that Willie is pretty dull with his sharp knife. Read up on slaughter, many weird things are used to turn an animal into neat easily digestible little packages of protein. Where’s the blow torch that burn the hair off the pig bodies? You get my drift.

Anyways, I think you did a good job here and I think you write well, just up the gore factor a bit so I’m actually horrified and I think you might have something here.

I was wondering if you’d mind reading the first 30 pages of a thriller/action script I’ve been tinkering with? It’s a very rough first draft so I’m not looking for a review, rather just an opinion if you’d want to know what happens next or if you’d chuck the script in the garbage. It’s written with older people in mind, but perhaps you can look past that. It does have quite a bit of action in it.

Quoted from guyjackson Yeah it's a pretty cool way to die.  I was like everyone seems to get his/her torso chopped off at the waist, but no one ever gets split in half from the bottom up.

Well actually in Friday The 13th Part 3 and guy doing a hand stand get split by the machete from the crotch down. After seeing that - i never attempted to do a handstand again. Yeah - I only know this cuz i watch WAY too many movies. No one else would know that. The death works well in your script and your script in thats all that matters. I agree...that was the best death scene it it.

Hey Tomson.  Thanks for the kind words on Mercenary.  I also appreciated your voting it for that Awards thing.  That just made my day, haha.

Your review is awesome, and I thank you a lot for it.  It seems like the only problem you had was the lack of gore and Willie's weapons.  Other than that, I trust you enjoyed it.  I agree with you on your criticisms on both fronts.  My action-like writing didn't really do me justice with the kill scenes.  I'm so used to getting kills done with and moving on.  I'll take more description into account when writing horror.

As for the weapons, I don't think I researched the slaughter process enough.  I do think my kill scenes are a little bland, and they need some more excitement.  I like the blowtorch idea you just mentioned.  Someone might be BBQ'd in the rewrite.

The sex scene is being received very well, so I'm pretty happy about that.  I'm actually glad I got a female on here to read it, because I was worried how they would take it.  I had a female read it at home here, and she was a little dubious about Rachel being so forgiving to Justin after seeing the rock.  But women like diamonds, right?  hehe.  Instant panty-dropper in my experience.  

Thanks for reading, Tomson and I'm going back to my bread and butter.  I got another action/sci-fi script in the works that I think you will like, seeing you like the action.  

Of course I will read your draft.  That is not a problem.  Just let me know where I should read it, whether it be e-mail or on a site or something.  I'll definately give you my input.

    

Quoted from Shawnkjr Well actually in Friday The 13th Part 3 and guy doing a hand stand get split by the machete from the crotch down. After seeing that - i never attempted to do a handstand again. Yeah - I only know this cuz i watch WAY too many movies. No one else would know that. The death works well in your script and your script in thats all that matters. I agree...that was the best death scene it it. -sHaWn

Ahh!  Oh god.  That sucks ass.  What a way to go.  

Guy, just finished reading this and i must say i'm glad i did. Man, this is an awesome script!!

SPOILERS!!!



You have a really good opening. Wille's eyes snapping open would look pretty cool on screen.

After the opening you did a really good job of building the characters up. Although you did build your characters up well i think you killed them off to quickly.  Don't get me wrong you had some cool deaths and i enjoyed all of them, but i think you could have mayabe spaced them out a little bit. I wish you had Shayna sneak along. It would have been cool to see her get sliced and diced. The coolest death in my opinion was Melissa's and i'm glad you killed her becuase i can't stand the whining girl in slasher movies.

When Willie comes out of the cell behind Katie and stabs her, i think you could have built this up with a little more tension. Mayabe the scraping noises are heard from inside the cell and for some reason or other she moves closer and as she reaches the cell door, Have Willie jump out and then stab her.(I know i'm giving you back some of your own advice, but when reading this i thought this was a good opportunity to build up some tension)

Talking about tension i really liked the bit when Rachel was hiding inside the locker and Willie stops right infront of it and stares straight at it for a moment before moving on. I thought the chase at the end between Rachel and Willie was also really well written. I was dissapointed when you didn't slice Willie with the guilliontine, but not for long as your true plans for Willie came to light. The fearsome Meat Grinder!!! Really cool and i loved the exchanged dialogue between the two in the final moments, Rachels line being the best of the entire script in my opinion.

WILLIE
I...didn't...do...it

RACHEL
I don't care!

Then she delivers the fateful blow. Good job, well done.

The moment when Katie dies was well written. I could feel the emotion between her and Rachel, again good job on this.

I see what you mean when you say you were guilty of using the same weapon over and over to kill your characters with(like i did in Scarecrow). i guess that's something that can be worked, but it's funny how you don't notice these things until you are reading someone else's work.

I really can't think of any negatives about this script, because as i said i thought this was awesome.

I hope some of what i said helps you.

Robert

I have a nice long review for you here, Guy. Enjoy!

SPOILERS***

Page 1 - Close on knife cutting raw meat – I don’t know if anyone else has said this (I read the other reviews but I can’t remember them lol), but CLOSE ON is a camera direction, and shouldn’t be in a spec script. “A KNIFE CUTS INTO RAW MEAT” is enough. You’ve put it on a line by itself and put it in caps, which suggests that it’s the object/action of focus.

Is he really called Willie “Slaughter”? Because if that is his actual second name, then it seems a little contrived. His surname is his profession? Maybe he could have a second name that sounds similar to slaughter, and the locals mock him by nicknaming him Willie Slaughter?

Page 5 – ‘Slowly accelerate towards Willie’s eyes’ – The description is a little strange, and it’s also another camera direction you ought to remove, along with SMASH CUT TO (editing technique). Simply go to the next scene header.

Anyway, love your opening! Very fast paced and exciting. I’m hooked!

Page 6 – Ha, I like Shayna already!

Page 11 - ‘Rachel and another blonde girl in the same uniform are hugging’ suggests that Rachel is blonde also, but on her description you say she’s a brunette.
Also, when Matthew said “There’s my pole vault chick”, I thought it sounded pretty funny. Don’t know if that’s the reaction you’re going for, but it’s the one I had.

Page 18 – ‘Shayna and her friend watch them leave, shrug, and then begin to kiss again’- Haha, Shayna is funny.
- Rachel’s line “What did I do that would compel you to cheat?” doesn’t sit well. Compel seems like too formal a word for a heated argument.
And about Justin – I think you need to tone him down a little. Rachel accepting his hand in marriage doesn’t come off well for me, because I got the impression that Justin certainly would’ve cheated had Rachel not walked in on him. You need to make him laugh it off more and resist them, rather than invite them sandwiching him (however amusing it may be lol).

Page 22 – The sex scene is tastefully described, but I found it funny that they started and finished in a 5 line paragraph. Maybe you could insert Matt and Stoner’s exchange between them starting to have sex and finishing, so time passes?

Page 27 – I love Justin’s line about how there’s gonna be a dry spell after the night’s events!

Page 30 – While your script reads very fast and isn’t boring, I still think that page 30 is a too late for the group to arrive at the slaughterhouse.

I like the tour of the Slaughterhouse; it sets everything up and builds the anticipation well.

Page 44 – Why did their chant bring him back to life? In your opening scene, his eyes snap open, so isn’t he already alive? And when the police came (which they obviously did because there’s crime scene tape all around the building), wouldn’t they have found his body in the tub and removed it? And who dos the UNKNOWN P.O.V.on page 36 belong to if Willie isn’t resurrected until page 44? I know you question it with ‘Is someone staring down at the group from the top of the staircase?’ but an audience watching this would want an answer to whose POV it was. So if it’s not Willie’s, whose is it?

Page 45 – You need to come up with a better way of splitting the group up. Katie just comes off as a total idiot.

Page 48 – Well done for creating a scary looking villain. Based on your description, I think I would sh*t myself if I saw this guy! His reveal would be a creepy moment on film.
- Matt’s death comes a surprise. I didn’t think he was going to live, but I assumed a smaller character like Alex or Melissa would bite it first, or even Katie after she ran off by herself like a dumbass. So well done on that. But why have you deprived us of seeing how his head got that way?

Page 50 – Katie is stabbed and Alex is dead? In two pages, and only halfway through the script, you’ve killed off half the group! Well Katie isn’t dead yet but she’s half dead and pretty damn useless now lol.

Page 57 – ‘Suddenly, a bloody hand wraps around Melissa’s and picks her up’ – I think you missed out the word ‘neck’.
- Melissa is dead. It was a decent death, mainly because it wasn’t done with a knife. That’s most of your deaths done and dusted in 10 pages. I think that’s much too fast.

Page 60/61 – Katie’s death is quite sad, and I like Justin’s determination after she passes. But at the same time, it seems like such a waste, especially when you don’t have a huge number of characters to kill off. Her death wasn’t creative or gory.

Page 73 – Willie crashing through the serving area glass was cool, big jump moment! Thrilling start to the chase. I’m not sure how I feel about them crawling under the tables and Willie throwing them aside, because it’s so obviously taken from Halloween H20. Maybe you could work out something slightly different with it so it feels a little more unique.

Page 78 – Poor Justin. I found his death really effective because I cared about him (after he stopped dicking around like he does in the first 20 pages lol), but also because I care about Rachel too so I feel bad for her because she both loses Justin and witnesses it.

Page 86 – I knew you’d use that cop to up your body count .

Page 89 – The guillotine not working is cool. I can’t help but wish it had been used previously in an earlier death scene though, it’s so perfect!

Page 91 – Gross! I take it you don’t want Willie to feature in Slaughter 2 then, that departure was pretty damn permanent! That was the best way you could’ve done it. It’s climatic and works perfectly with the setting.

Read on to post 2!

Well you have a pretty damn enjoyable slasher script on your hands here, with vivid and concise descriptions (very important for action-heavy scripts). The Slaughterhouse is a perfect setting; Willie is a great villain (he scares me! I think it’s the image of his broken, protruding jaw that does it!) and both of these aspects combined to make quite an exhilarating chase climax, although it was a little long in my opinion, because it feels like it begins when Rachel and Justin are the only ones left (rather than from when Rachel is the only one left), making it some 30 pages long I think.
This brings me to my main issue, which is with the pacing. I think that structurally, the script needs some work. They don’t get to the Slaughterhouse until page 30, most of them are killed in the space of 10 pages, and then we get 30 pages with just two characters, which basically means chasing, chasing, chasing, and very little killing. Justin’s death should come as a great shock, but I actually saw it coming, because I knew you’d need a big death somewhere in the last third of the script, and I had Rachel pegged for survival from the start. I think the first act could be tightened up so that the characters get there at somewhere closer to page 20, as some of the scenes in which the characters are introduced probably don’t need to be as long as they are. Then the deaths should maybe start around page 40 and be spread out evenly more evenly.
Perhaps you should ditch the *group chase* structure, and have a couple of deaths occur without the rest of the group knowing until a while later. Separate them into individual, suspenseful scenes so that they are more memorable. As it stands they happen very suddenly within the chase-action, and therefore can’t even be described as death ‘scenes’. Make the most of the setting (like you did with Willie’s fantastic demise) with all of the machinery and weapons at Willie’s disposal. Matt’s death is pretty good, but nothing special, just a knife kill, and really, all that makes it stand out is that its slightly more interesting than all the other knife kills. Melissa’s was probably my favourite because it didn’t involve the same old knife, but it still wasn’t all that original. Katie and Justin have *emotional deaths*, but Willie’s methods are too simple and lack the creativity/brutality/gore that is required to satisfy the reader/viewer of this genre.
Your characters were pretty good for a slasher. Rachel and Justin are likeable, often witty, and therefore easy to route for. I liked Katie (most of the time) because she had an innocence about her, and Matthew, due to him being sweet natured, worked well with the more the more cocky and confident Justin, and went well with Katie. Melissa seemed like a cynical smart a*s at times, and I think you should run with this a little more so that she and Katie are like two opposite ends of the spectrum, and Rachel lies somewhere in the middle. You’d have a nice dynamic then, and I’m sure it would prompt more witty exchanges between the girls in a re-write. Alex is by far the weakest character; he has no defined personality and was just a name on the page. And I was sorely disappointed that Shayna wasn’t one of your group! I liked her immediately, and I was looking forward to her providing me with more laughs and eventually a killer chase and death scene (slutty blondes are always the best!). How about you make Alex more of a major party animal (he threw the frat party, it makes sense) who loves being a friendly host to the hot girls, so he invites Shayna along (much to Melissa and Rachel’s disdain). She accepts because Justin’s going, who she enjoys flirting with, but she has to settle for Alex’s attentions (no wonder Melissa is a moody cynic, going out with a guy like that!), and possibly Stoner’s (he was funny!). That would put the personality in Alex and the Shayna in the Slaughterhouse! What do you think?

Anyway, I’ve rambled for long enough. I really, really enjoyed reading this, and that’s why I’ve given it so much attention. It’s really good in its current state, and I think with some improvements it could be fantastic! You can’t bead a good slasher in my eyes! I hope you don’t think I went overboard with my criticisms and suggestions; it was all out of enthusiasm for your script lol.

Well done and good luck with the re-write (if you do one).

Ian

Quoted from Bates Guy, just finished reading this and i must say i'm glad i did. Man, this is an awesome script!! SPOILERS!!! You have a really good opening. Wille's eyes snapping open would look pretty cool on screen. After the opening you did a really good job of building the characters up. Although you did build your characters up well i think you killed them off to quickly.  Don't get me wrong you had some cool deaths and i enjoyed all of them, but i think you could have mayabe spaced them out a little bit. I wish you had Shayna sneak along. It would have been cool to see her get sliced and diced. The coolest death in my opinion was Melissa's and i'm glad you killed her becuase i can't stand the whining girl in slasher movies. When Willie comes out of the cell behind Katie and stabs her, i think you could have built this up with a little more tension. Mayabe the scraping noises are heard from inside the cell and for some reason or other she moves closer and as she reaches the cell door, Have Willie jump out and then stab her.(I know i'm giving you back some of your own advice, but when reading this i thought this was a good opportunity to build up some tension) Talking about tension i really liked the bit when Rachel was hiding inside the locker and Willie stops right infront of it and stares straight at it for a moment before moving on. I thought the chase at the end between Rachel and Willie was also really well written. I was dissapointed when you didn't slice Willie with the guilliontine, but not for long as your true plans for Willie came to light. The fearsome Meat Grinder!!! Really cool and i loved the exchanged dialogue between the two in the final moments, Rachels line being the best of the entire script in my opinion. WILLIE I...didn't...do...it RACHEL I don't care! Then she delivers the fateful blow. Good job, well done. The moment when Katie dies was well written. I could feel the emotion between her and Rachel, again good job on this. I see what you mean when you say you were guilty of using the same weapon over and over to kill your characters with(like i did in Scarecrow). i guess that's something that can be worked, but it's funny how you don't notice these things until you are reading someone else's work. I really can't think of any negatives about this script, because as i said i thought this was awesome. I hope some of what i said helps you. Robert

Robert, thanks for reading this one a well, too.  I really appreciate you reading two of my screenplays.

Overall, it appears that you really enjoyed this, and I am glad.  I wrote this with the sole intention of enteraining the reader.  I wanted the characters to be funny, I wanted the killer to be menacing, and I just wanted it to be a fun read.

Your criticisms are very true and I'm glad you pointed them out.  As you can see, reading can help your writing as well as the person who wrote the screenplay as well.  The kill scenes I am actually quite angry at how uncreative I was with them.  I definately want to go back and change some of them, because I think that major gore factor wasn't really established in this draft.

As for the deaths, I have received many greivances pertaining the death count so early in the film.  I think I may have to go back and cause a bigger separation of the group so I can have them in different parts of the slaughterhouse and drag out the kills.  

In closing, thanks.  I really appreciate your feedback coming form a fellow horror writer.  You are most likely better at this than I am and I am glad you have given me some stuff to work with.

Quoted from Ian Well you have a pretty damn enjoyable slasher script on your hands here, with vivid and concise descriptions (very important for action-heavy scripts). The Slaughterhouse is a perfect setting; Willie is a great villain (he scares me! I think it’s the image of his broken, protruding jaw that does it!) and both of these aspects combined to make quite an exhilarating chase climax, although it was a little long in my opinion, because it feels like it begins when Rachel and Justin are the only ones left (rather than from when Rachel is the only one left), making it some 30 pages long I think. This brings me to my main issue, which is with the pacing. I think that structurally, the script needs some work. They don’t get to the Slaughterhouse until page 30, most of them are killed in the space of 10 pages, and then we get 30 pages with just two characters, which basically means chasing, chasing, chasing, and very little killing. Justin’s death should come as a great shock, but I actually saw it coming, because I knew you’d need a big death somewhere in the last third of the script, and I had Rachel pegged for survival from the start. I think the first act could be tightened up so that the characters get there at somewhere closer to page 20, as some of the scenes in which the characters are introduced probably don’t need to be as long as they are. Then the deaths should maybe start around page 40 and be spread out evenly more evenly. Perhaps you should ditch the *group chase* structure, and have a couple of deaths occur without the rest of the group knowing until a while later. Separate them into individual, suspenseful scenes so that they are more memorable. As it stands they happen very suddenly within the chase-action, and therefore can’t even be described as death ‘scenes’. Make the most of the setting (like you did with Willie’s fantastic demise) with all of the machinery and weapons at Willie’s disposal. Matt’s death is pretty good, but nothing special, just a knife kill, and really, all that makes it stand out is that its slightly more interesting than all the other knife kills. Melissa’s was probably my favourite because it didn’t involve the same old knife, but it still wasn’t all that original. Katie and Justin have *emotional deaths*, but Willie’s methods are too simple and lack the creativity/brutality/gore that is required to satisfy the reader/viewer of this genre. Your characters were pretty good for a slasher. Rachel and Justin are likeable, often witty, and therefore easy to route for. I liked Katie (most of the time) because she had an innocence about her, and Matthew, due to him being sweet natured, worked well with the more the more cocky and confident Justin, and went well with Katie. Melissa seemed like a cynical smart a*s at times, and I think you should run with this a little more so that she and Katie are like two opposite ends of the spectrum, and Rachel lies somewhere in the middle. You’d have a nice dynamic then, and I’m sure it would prompt more witty exchanges between the girls in a re-write. Alex is by far the weakest character; he has no defined personality and was just a name on the page. And I was sorely disappointed that Shayna wasn’t one of your group! I liked her immediately, and I was looking forward to her providing me with more laughs and eventually a killer chase and death scene (slutty blondes are always the best!). How about you make Alex more of a major party animal (he threw the frat party, it makes sense) who loves being a friendly host to the hot girls, so he invites Shayna along (much to Melissa and Rachel’s disdain). She accepts because Justin’s going, who she enjoys flirting with, but she has to settle for Alex’s attentions (no wonder Melissa is a moody cynic, going out with a guy like that!), and possibly Stoner’s (he was funny!). That would put the personality in Alex and the Shayna in the Slaughterhouse! What do you think? Anyway, I’ve rambled for long enough. I really, really enjoyed reading this, and that’s why I’ve given it so much attention. It’s really good in its current state, and I think with some improvements it could be fantastic! You can’t bead a good slasher in my eyes! I hope you don’t think I went overboard with my criticisms and suggestions; it was all out of enthusiasm for your script lol. Well done and good luck with the re-write (if you do one). Ian

Yeah, Ian!  Now that is what I call a review!  Man I feel like I'm in a pitch meeting right now, haha.  But seriously, thanks for reading so intently.  

I trust you enjoyed this script and I am glad.  Your praises are very appreciated and your critiques are even more.  I think you are right with the beginning being too long.  I was so adamant about creating some sympathy for the main characters, which appears to have been well received, but I most definately think it can be tightened up.  Thanks for pointing that out..

As you said with my characters, they complimented each other.  I wanted to have every type of person, not just a bunch of stupid college kids.  Rachel actually had a brain and she knew stuff that a normal person woud know in situations like that.  I was very pushy with this, I wanted her to be a well-liked and plausible character.  Justin was just the pinnicle of the guy that is big man on campus, but still has his true feelings for his girlfriend.  Matt was most definately the backseat passenger in Justin's car, because they are friends but he definately is a follower.  Katie was the girl that is always scared, and does the stupid stuff, but not all the time.  She had one stupid move, but it cost both her and her boyfriend's life.  Melissa was that "mother hen" girl that always wants to be in everyone of her friend's business as you can see wit her ratting out Justin and just being a bitch.  Alex was by far the weakest character.  He was actually put in just so there would be 3 men and 3 girls at the slaughterhouse, hehe.  

As for you proposal, I really like it.  I think Shayna would be good to up the body count and maybe cause a little more friction between the girls in the group.  I really only used her to show Justin as a ladies man, but now that I ponder it, I would really think she would be a good add on to the slaughterhouse.  Thanks a lot.

Once again, I appreciate such a good review.  You have my grattitude.  I am really glad you enjoyed it and your criticisms will be considered.

Thanks.  

Been meaning to take a look at this for some time now. Finally got around to it.

A few things to start...

pg. 1 - LEGEND? I think you mean SUPER. This comes up more than once. You might want to fix it.

pg. 4 - Don't need to mention that Willie pleads for his life. It's already apparent in the dialogue.

- I don't think the lynching has the impact that it should. It all goes pretty well as far as the kids are concerned. They rough him up a little bit, hang him, and get out of there. It all seems to simple. First off, I think Willie would put up more of a fight. Second, I think the guys would all be a little nervous about lynching someone, even Bobby. Psychologically, it probably isn't the easiest thing to do. Just some stuff to think about.

- I wouldn't have the eyes snap open. It's such a cliche. Sure, it's letting everyone know there's a
"bomb under the table" but it almost always come off as cheesy. I think it would work better if Willie simply returned without any foreshadowing. Or maybe just have something else. Maybe a dissolve? One minute, Willie's sprawled over the tub, the next, he's not. Just a thought.

pg. 7 - Lose the "best friends" bit. It can't be shown onscreen.

- When you first introduce Justin, he seems utterly indifferent to the fact that he has a girlfriend. His encounter with Shanya and the other girl perpetuates this impression. Yet in the immediate following scene, he proposes to Rachel and later on, he seems to genuinely care about her. This seems unrealistic. You may want to do something about this.

pg. 21 - Lose the "as if he's breaking the law" line. It can't be shown onscreen. Either that or combine it with the preceding line.

pg. 37 - I don’t think they have guillotines at slaughterhouses. They have neck cradles for cows when they shock them with prods but not guillotines in the traditional sense. I’m pretty sure they kill them the old fashioned way, be it a knife, an axe, or a gun.

pg. 47 – “A figure slowly approaches off camera towards Matthew.” If it’s off camera, how can it be seen? You might want to reword this.

pg. 48 – “This guy is no joke.” No need to say this. It’s quite obvious he’s no joke. Lose this.

pg. 50 – It can’t be seen that Justin “internally prays” the door will open. Try to rephrase this.

pg. 67 – You write age twice. Fix this.

pg. 79 – “Can he see her?” You wrote the damn thing. You tell me. Lines like this are no good in screenplays. Lose it.

pg. 90 – RACHEL POV - “The Meat Grinder looks like it would be a bad place to land.” LOL. Obviously. You can lose this, for sure.

Overall, this was a pretty decent read. The plot is essentially a generic slasher but you've incorporated a few elements that make it a little different, namely Willie's character having a realistic motivation for revenge rather than being just a sick maniac. I usually don't care for sympathetic villains (there's a difference between sympathetic and understandable) but I think what you did here was pretty well done. I also really dug the slaughterhouse setting. I think you managed to make it more than a typical "house of horrors" and actually seem like a legitimate industrial building. The inclusion of places like the office and the power room made the slaughterhouse seem more realistic.

I'm afraid I didn't care for your characters too much. They weren't dumb and were relatively well-developed (at least these guys had lives to go back to after being chased around an abattoir by a disgruntled butcher) but they still struck me as the typical obnoxious fratboys seen in many a horror movie before (the whole "let's play a prank on the girls" bit made them seem even more so). They weren't scum, as you said, and I don't ask for characters to be perfect (they're always more interesting if they're not) but they really didn't seem all that different to me. I guess that's just me though.

Formatwise, you script was pretty good although a few too many camera directions for my taste. It doesn't always hurt to bend screenwriting rules a little, just don't go overboard. All in all, a pretty decent read. It was well-written and it entertained. Good job, Guy.

Hey Guy.  People seem to like your stuff pretty well, but for the most part you write outside the genres I usually delve into.  I've been meaning to read this one for a while -- but right up front -- I gotta tell ya' the title and logline aren't talking to me.  It sounds too conventional.  I haven't read McClung's "Abattoir" for much the same reason.

I'll keep an open mind, though.  I've purposely been avoiding the comments on this one, so if I repeat anything -- well, then maybe it's a valid point.

Comments will certainly contain SPOILERS:

*  There are "about five" in this group?  Scripts tell us specifically, not maybe.  And it's "beeline".  Willie -- the reason we're here -- demands a much better description than "odd-looking".  I wanna "see" this guy, you know?  And it's "grisly", not "grizzly" haha.  And "sheer" anger.  It may seem like I'm busting your chops here -- the introduction is pretty good -- but after five pages I've found a bunch of "non-spell check" typos.  It hurts the story.  I'm not gonna examine the whole story like this, but every writer needs a dictionary beside their desk, and they should consult it whenever there is even a shadow of doubt about their word choice.  My opinion on that, anyway.  On with the story.
*  You seem to know women, Guy.  Don't you think Rachel is letting Justin off way too easy?  I sure do. You've created good tension between these two, and you should keep it ramped up to "high" instead of resolving it.  Have her reject his proposal.  It serves the story better and makes us like Rachel better.  You will lose the sex scene, but then, you just had lesbians a minute ago, so nobody will miss it.
*  OK.  We've arrived at the slaughterhouse.  I would bet $10.00 at this point that I know who lives and who dies.  I'll let you know at the end whether or not you surprised me.
*  Wait a minute.  The freezer is cold and stocked with carcasses?  Does this place still have power?  That's kind of weird.  Why not just have 20-year-old rotting carcasses, eh?
*  And phone service, after all this time?  We're stretching things.
*  Bringing back Rachel's athleticism with jumping the gate.  Good.  Early setup and late payoff.  That's how it's supposed to be done.  But give her a better final line for Willie.  Something with more resonance.

It would be nice if we got to the slaughterhouse a bit faster, but at the same time, the pace still felt about right. You also use your setting very well, utilizing a number of different scenarios inside this mammoth building.  I didn't get bored with this location, and I thought I would.  Nice job finding new situations there.

I would again encourage you to consider having Rachel and Justin angry with one another.  Particularly since it ultimately comes down to these two.  There is a deep well of potential conflict here that you are not tapping into at all.  Exploit it, and let the struggle for survival draw them back together gradually.  Then tear them apart again.  All the more tragic.

Stoner and the Cop are wasted here. I would lose the cop (and lose calling the cops on the phone -- they give the story nothing), and use Stoner differently.  He has the wig and the fake knife, so why isn't he wandering around the slaughterhouse in a drug-induced haze trying to scare people -- adding to the confusion while being completely unaware of what is really going on?  And what happens when Stoner meets Willy?  The comic aspects Stoner brings to this story could be much stronger than they are.  My opinion, anyway.

Speaking broadly now, your writing is clean, and reads fast.  I like the style.  The action is crisp and visual.  An occasional flourish, but just the right amount.  And the format is good.  That's always a nice bonus.

I also want to add that I found very few incorrect words once I left the prologue.  Odd.  I wonder why the prologue had so many?  Seems I busted your chops on that prematurely.  Anyway, go fix the first five pages haha.  The rest is fine.

Good job, Guy.  I probably won't read any video game scripts (not my speed), but if you wander into the Horror section again, I liked this enough that I would probably check out something else.

BTW, I was surprised Stoner lived.  I thought he would be the very first to go haha.  But it's not like you are getting ten bucks or anything.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.  Lois this isn't my Batman cup" - Peter Griffin

Haha just had to put that I saw it today on Family Guy and it cracked me up.  But seriously is the writer of The Farm telling me "good job"????????

Oh yeah!

Thanks for the read bert.  I'm glad you read this.  On to your review.

I don't know what the hell was up with all those typos.  I'm usually a good speller, I don't know what I was smoking that night, but damn.  Grizzly?  Did I really type that?  Wow.  Thanks for the heads up.

I really had second thoughts about Rachel giving Justin a break.  When I first mapped out the story I had Rachel angry at Justin the whole time until the end when they were the only ones left.  I thought readers would have thought that to be "cliche" so I ditched it, but now I really should have kept that arc.  I think it would have done wonders for the characters.  Thanks for the feedback on that.

I'm glad I utilized the slaughterhouse the way I planned.  I really wanted to make it an interesting setting.  Not just some "house of horrors" that many films use nowadays.

I really wanted to use Stoner more, but I couldn't really find a way to interact him with everyone while keeping him alive.  So I kind of kept him in the background most of the time.

Thanks for the compliments on the format.  I'm getting better with each script on that.  Some people are real pissy moany about that around here so I make sure that is clean.

Anyway, you have no idea how awesome this is to have you read my script.  The Farm was a great script and having you think positive of this horror script, and it being my first one ever is really promising.

Thanks again, dude.

Ok, so maybe this is too late to reply - but, I have a question.

With the para' calling Rachel 'super-girl' and Willie's body disappearing (although, it literally would) - was the intention to suggest that Rachel would be held accountable for the crimes? Ahh, I lied, I have a second question - I was never able to fully ascertain what's  the situation vis-a-vis Willie and his state of life??

Good script, definitely an enjoyable read. I also cared for the characters, and any minor suggestions for improvements have already been touched upon.

Good work.

hey um, i just read your story, and i felt like it was a good plot, but i feel kind of like everything was rushed... I didn't like any of your characters.... idk, i feel like the lines that each of them had were rushed, and it felt very highschool, not really college. They just all acted like kids, and stuff... I just didn't like them.... But i like your concept. even though it was 97 pages, i felt like nobody really talked... if you get me. And it wa hard to actually imagine this slaughter house. To me, if you read a story you have to be able to imagine the places we are visiting in the story, and i didn't imagine anything cause it was too hard... but overall nice plot. this story has a bunch of potential.
i don't mean to sound too critical, i'm no expert.

First I would like to congratulate you on being my first review here on this site. Your so special I know lol But on with the review shall we.

1. This story from the first couple of pages already reminds me of " I know what you did last summer" so Im not sure if you have seen that movie or not but the beginning already reminds of that but u have given it your own little touch so 1 point for that.

2. On Page # 4 you said "The group rushes Willie and grabs him by his arms.  Bobby
fishes the remaining rope out of his pocket until a noose
is shown.  He wraps the noose around Willie’s neck."

My Advice: I suggest instead of the group rushing the guy grabbing him by his arms first you should say that Bobby rushes the guy by himself breaking his jaw at this very moment knocking him to the floor, kicking and stomping on him and then bobby and his friend finds a rope near by. But with further advice I would suggest another way that he should be taken out instead of hanging him on a table because the scene doesnt feel realistic or logical enough that someone would suggest this but this is not my story and I'm just here to give advice.

3. On page # 4 "Bobby’s four friends run out of the room.  Bobby jumps down
off of the table and heads into the freezer.  He picks up a
very dead Tina and walks back out in front of Willie as he
suffocates to death."

My Advice: Tina is dead and I suggest instead of bobby picking her up after they have just brutally killed a guy u should show Bobby moping a little in distress that she is obviously dead and leave her there and have Bobby friend suggest that they should live quickly pushing Bobby along so they can get out there without getting caught for the murder they just committed.

This is all I have for you right now. Will read more later.

I'm a little busy right now so I'll read the first page. I'll do a full read as soon as possible.

For your first descriptions:
“Nowhere” is a little too vague. Give something that invokes a setting. Field dessert, etc.  Nowhere invokes imagery of an empty void.

Young adult men strikes me as redundant. If you’re a man, you’re obviously an adult. Say “young men,” or “young adults.” And instead of saying there are five in the group, you can cut out fat by saying “five young adults.”

Instead of saying he’s in a hurry, say “he runs away.” Whenever you try to spell out a character’s intentions or thoughts you make the read feel very difficult. Show don’t tell. What action will convey to the reader he’s in a hurry?

The line of dialogue felt contrived the way Bobby's Friend just spell's out the suspects name. Replace "Willie Slaughter is" with something more casual like "that Slaughter guy" or just simply "he's." People don't talk in such a formal way. If you want his name to be known to the aduience, try to weave it in a way that feels a little more natural.

Reccher and VA, just so you're aware, this script is 5 years old and the writer is no longer even on the boards, meaning your feedback is falling on deaf ears.

Feel free to read and comment, but don't expect the writer to respond or care at this point.