hey Zombie boy, I just finished this nasty little tale of yours.



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Okay, so I guess I will start with the opening.  I thought it was cool, but it was also WAY to long filled with stuff that isn't needed, like who cares what Ian puts on his hot dog.  Once crap started to go down it picked up, but there was way too much useless dialogue, You could trim a lot of this.

I think that whole afraid of heights conversation should go, that didn't work for me.  Maybe reverse it a little, make Ian a little more queezy about the ride than Christiana, that may work, but I don't think you really need that at all.

I think The biggest weakness of this script is the dialogue, a lot of it felt too forced.

"QUENTIN
Yeah let’s grab something to eat and try to calm down after what just happened..."

Lines like that didn't work for me.

After the first malfunction, why did the kids decide to stay, even after seeing the creature in the video.  I think you need a strong reason for them to stay, like maybe one of them goes missing right away which is a good reason for them to stay, I don't think they should go on another ride after what happened on the first one.

Once you got to the killings the script picked up.  There were some good nasty kills here, I liked the bumper cars one, that was pretty cool.

So I think you have a great idea with some great kills, I just think the dialogue and behavior of these kids needs to be worked on.

anyway this was a great effort and had some good descriptions and it works on that level.  Good job

Thanks, Jordan. I was afraid to read your review because I remember you telling me that you were going to have a big review telling me all my problems and all...but this wasn't very long. Hehe...


I KNOW I KNOW! I KNOW I made mistake by telling everyone what they put on their hotdogs! LOL I think people should start reading the comments people have left me previously, except they might read spoilers, so I guess that is a good reason......

Anyways, I'm not my best with dialogue either, but hey, this is a teenage slice-and-dice script, who needs good dialogue?

Thanks for reading this, TBWCF, and I appreciate the help, everyone.

Sean