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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Lycanthrope Moderators: bert
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  Author    Lycanthrope  (currently 7462 views)
James McClung
Posted: June 28th, 2006, 10:32pm Report to Moderator
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New draft is up.


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bert
Posted: June 29th, 2006, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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So my plans for tonight got cancelled.  Since Abe is going on vacation I thought I would take a look here first.

I did glance at the previous comments -- just the fronts and the backs primarily -- only to get a sense of what people were saying about the first draft.  It looks like you took some heat on the characters.  Let's see what’s going with this now.

SPOILERS:

*  When I can, I love busting people on the very first line.  It makes me feel like such a dick.  "Extensive"?  No.  "Chain link fence" is enough.
*  Zeb and Zeke seem like pretty lousy shots.  Why not make the Subject tough enough to absorb a couple of shots?  Even more menacing that way.
*  I don’t know what Rory, Cody, and Phil were like before, but you establish their relationships pretty quick over about three pages.  I think it’s good.  But I might lose the second argument once they first arrive at the B & B.  Now you are covering the same ground twice.  And where are the girls?
*  Why is the Yuppie wearing a business suit?  There is nothing for miles around.  He's on vacation.  Dress him comfortably.  And why not give him a wife?  More girls.  More body count.
*  I think what you have on page 26 is a "Series of Shots", not a montage.
*  Wow.  Ichor is a great word.  I had to look it up, and I know lots of words.
*  The note under the door is fantastic.  How about adding an underlined “Please!!” to make it more compelling?  And why doesn't Cody try to honor this request?  Seems like something he would do.
*  Page 42:  Instead of simply stomping on the Subject's hand, why not have Phil find some kind of weapon in the basement?  A screwdriver or something even worse.
*  OK.  I can tell you already that Ernie is so doomed.  Yup.  That was kind of predicatable.
*  The fight with Phil is great, to a point.  But then you do that thing everybody hates and I am going to call you on it.  You make sure it’s dead before you relax, dammit!  Horror fans especially will hate this.  And you know I’m telling you the truth, too.  Find another way for the subject to get the upper hand.
*  I'm sensing a lull in the action down here in the basement.  The characters are working, and the changes in power are interesting.  The professor is saying interesting things for the most part.  So I’m not sure what the problem is.  Maybe it's just the sheer length of this segment, without a change in venue?  Anyways, a little draggy in the basement.  Could maybe use a trim there.  Or at least cut to the Subject doing something.  Try to get us out of the basement for a few seconds.  Some additional characters hiding elsewhere (some girls?) could do that for us.
*  That final battle, with the brothers teaming up, was how this was supposed to end.  There was plenty of mayhem, and Cody got to complete his little arc.  I was pleased to see that.  Good job there.
*  One of the comments I noticed was that you still had them going to the concert!  Ha!  Changing that was a really good idea.  And at the very end, as they drive off into the sunrise, I’m wondering if maybe we shouldn't have a little country music instead.  A gift from Mimi.  Something that lets us know things have changed now, at least a little.  Just a thought there.

So in the end, I like the entire story without necessarily liking all of its parts.  I would have liked to have known more about what went on at that lab as opposed to that tiny little flashback that raises more questions than it answers.  Who was this guy, anyway? How did he get chosen?  And I think, early on, I would have liked to have seen Cody interact with the subject a bit more.  The potential for that is there, but you just kind of let it drop without using it.  And while I am sure that extended scene in the basement drags, for the life of me I cannot pinpoint exactly why.

I do not know how much you changed, but in the end, I am not sure why you caught so much grief for your characters.  You had three guys who interacted in a very straighforward fashion as far as I could tell.  I thought the relationship between the brothers worked, and when Phil went out to face the beast, I actually bought it.  That fight was probably my favorite part of the script (except for that little issue we discussed previously).

I thought the absence of girls was kind of weird, as I mentioned a couple of times.  Why not add some additional guests?  Some pretty ones.  Add to the body count.  And it might be fun to watch Phil hit on them and get brutally rejected.

So this is a solid effort.  I was confident that it would be.  It is maybe one more draft away from being really good.  Hope some of these comments help you out when you dip back into this again.  I may be the one of very few people who remembers Kiss of the Locust, and it is fun to watch you improve.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: June 29th, 2006, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
Wow.  Ichor is a great word.  I had to look it up, and I know lots of words.


How could you not know the word ichor, Bert? It’s almost certainly from where the expression icky was derived. (Actually, the origins of both words are unknown. I’m playing amateur etymologist here.)


Quoted from bert
…And where are the girls?…I thought the absence of girls was kind of weird, as I mentioned a couple of times…I may be the one of very few people who remembers Kiss of the Locust,…


And you know, I just realized something here, Bert. I remember Kiss of the Locust as well and it was strangely absent of any female characters. Hmmm.




Revision History (1 edits)
Breanne Mattson  -  June 30th, 2006, 12:01am
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guyjackson
Posted: June 30th, 2006, 12:10am Report to Moderator
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Alright James, another horror script up and another one I have read.  As I usually do, I glanced over a couple of the reviews before I read the script.  It seemed like some characters and some of the dialogue was not received well, so I looked out for that.

I am not real keen on werewolf stories so I don't think I can give a well-done review on this script.  But just from a viewer standpoint, I will try to.  This is a very basic screenplay.  There really isn't too much to grasp.  Very linear and straightfoward.  You had some good death scenes and most of the deaths didn't seem forced.  You love to pile on descriptions though.  Every camera action seemed to have at least three lines to describe one thing, but I think that's your writing style so it really isn't that big of a deal.  I see this was a revision, so I don't know if you had even more swearing in the previous version, but you definately had enough in this one.

The characters were classic slasher film protagonists.  I don't understand why people are giving you such a hard time with them.  I had no problems with any of them.  I see alot of people want to know more backstory on the subject, but is that really necessary?  I don't think this script is about the subject, it's more about the relationship between Rory and Cody, so I say you leave that alone.  You don't want to be bogged down with some long ass flashback sequence trying to explain the whole back story of the subject.

Some of this stuff seemed a bit far fetched, like the subject checking into a hotel, and Phil going to fight the thing with some brass knuckles, but it didn't kill the story.  Most of the stuff flowed well and sounded good.  

All in all, it was a well-done screenplay.  You looked like you took time out to take pride in this and it came out good.  You have a few screenplays under your belt, so I don't have to go into standard SimplyScripts protocol of silly formatting gripes, because you have none.

Great script and keep them coming, buddy.    
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James McClung
Posted: June 30th, 2006, 12:10am Report to Moderator
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Glad you guys like the word ichor. I'm even more glad that you had to look it up, Bert. Anyone can write gore so I try to write it more eloquently to give it more of a punch. Sometimes, I think my descriptions can get even borderline pathological.

As for the absence of girls, I figured metal is more of a guy thing. Not that there aren't girls that like metal and not that I think they shouldn't but if you go to a metal show, you'll definitely notice more males around than females. I don't have a problem with using them in my scripts either. In fact, I enjoy writing for the opposite sex from time to time. I've had female characters in both of my last two scripts and will feature a female protagonist in my unwritten fifth script.

Bert...

Thanks for the read. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I agree about Phil not checking to make sure the Subject really is dead. I should have known better to overlook that horror cliche. I just thought it would be cool for Phil to light up a cigarette, like an action hero, after proving not only the people in the basement, but also the audience, in kicking the Subject's ass. I'll fix this for sure. In regards to Phil getting a weapon from the basement, I don't think so. I didn't intend for the basement to be a fortress but rather a dead end, where the characters would essentially be helpless. Also, I don't think Mimi would have anything particularly threatening in the basement anyway.

As for girls or, in general, more characters, I'm not so sure. I think they'd only serve as dog food. Ernie and the yuppie are basically that, I suppose, but I still developed them. I think if I had more characters to develop, the first act would drag on too long. And BTW, I had the yuppie in a business suit so the audience would know he's a yuppie. Now that you mention it, I guess it doesn't make sense. I'll see what I can do. I don't want him to lose his, well, "yuppiness."

I don't know about the third act draggin on. I'd do something about it but I don't know what, as you don't seem to know yourself what the problem is.

Anyway, I'll wait around for some more comments before the next rewrite. I'm actually glad you said this is "one draft away from being really good" because I'm aching to get started on my next script. This one may very well be the most enthusiastic I've been about a project. I'm writing broken scenes on napkins at work for Pete's sake. I may just crack and start working on it next week. However, I would like to get this one in better shape before I start. Then again, there's always the two weeks in between the first draft and the rewrite to work on it .

Thanks again for the read.


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James McClung
Posted: June 30th, 2006, 12:21am Report to Moderator
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Hey Guy. Thanks for the read.

Yeah, I do get a little over-descriptive at times but, as you said, that is my writing style. I figure as long as you keep paragraphs four sentences or under and four lines or under down the page, what's the problem?

Yeah, there's a lot of f-bombs in this one. Even more so in the last draft. The first draft had a gargantuan amount. Seriously, it was like a Martin Scorsese flick.

Glad you didn't mind the characters. The last draft, everyone seemed to be ganging up on Phil and for good reason I suppose. He was basically an emo-bashing, bullying douchebag before. He's still that to a certain extent but I think this time around, he's much more developed, likeable, and ultimately humanized.

Thanks again for the read, Guy. Glad you enjoyed it.


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: June 30th, 2006, 7:59am Report to Moderator
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I only got to read nineteen pages of the script as of now and all seems to be going well. The story flows very well, which I see as very essiential in any script. I enjoyed your character descriptions. I could imagine the story in my mind.

The script is closely similar to the first Halloween by John Carpenter and Eli Roth's  Hostel.  

The dialogue between Phil, Rory, and Cody was decent. Everyone has their own opinions on topics. I was only slightly bothered by the fact that Phil and Rory are heavy metal fans and yet they use the word "bro". The word "dude" probably, but "bro" I'm unsure about. Nevertheless, the script appears well as far as I have read.  

I sadly can't give any more criticism since I'm a newbie to this field after completeing only one short script and waiting for it to be posted on this site. So, I'll see if i can finish the script later on to find    


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: June 30th, 2006, 8:01am Report to Moderator
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Sorry about that...

What i meant to end with was that I'll read the script later on and hopefully come with some good criticisms.  


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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tonkatough
Posted: July 10th, 2006, 6:25am Report to Moderator
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I'm a big fan of American Werewolf in London and the Ginger Snaps films. Ah heck, werewolves are cool. Something fascinating about the idea of a human turning into a big shaggy dog and going feral on some poor persons arse.

So it was the promise of Werewolves that attracted me to your script.

This is the third script I have read on this site where the opening scene is a nasty escaping from a labratory. No big deal but I thought I would just point it out.

The characters are great. You captured perfectly the heavy metal culture through the dialouge, attitude of the characters plus their choice of clothing. very well done.

Cody was a great character. I like how he is the weak suffering character of sort. By that I mean he suffers the torment of brother's mate. The biggest problem I have with most horror is that the movie fail to make me care for the characters and for the first thirty minutes I am usualy looking at my watch and waiting for the killing to start becaue anything is better than having to endure boring characters.

I am pleased you transended this flaw that many horror flicks have.

Cthulu vs the Kraken. that is so cool. I laughed when I read this.

What's an emo? I keep seeing this word pop up all over the net. It sounds like it is goth but it's not cause it is an Emo. i don't get it.

I had a small problem with the 911 phone call. It just seemed fake and a very obvious plot trick to not get the police involved in story. All they had to do was yell blood & murder and the police would have been over there in a flash. The way you did it just seemed stupid and unrealistic.

"Hey bitch! You made me take off my belt."  My God that's the funniest, craziest one liner I have ever seen. It was brillant and I laughed my head off.  Man, I wish you where writing dialouge for Arnie in his action movies twenty years ago. I would of loved to hear the big muscle bound Swarnegger say a line like that in one of his movies. Priceless

Having one of the main character's willing to have a fist fight with the monster was bold and took me by suprise.  i can't say I have ever seen that in a horror movie before but I have not watched a lot of horror. it was a top idea that went against the basic formula of the genre.  It is stuff like that I like to see in a movie. it gives it your personally stanp to the script.  

Did you do any research on Werewolf such as legends and myths or did just watch Werewolf movies to get ideas?

All in all a good script that I enjoyed reading well done.  


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James McClung
Posted: July 20th, 2008, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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I decided to exhume this oldie to submit to Shriekfest so I gave it a once over after two years of not looking at it at all and I have to say the rewrite is waaay better than the last one. There's definitely something to be said about rewriting script's that have been collecting dust. It's a good exercise and I recommend it to everyone.

If anyone wants to take a look, comments would be very much appreciated. Even after two years, this still remains my feature length with the least complaints.


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Michael Myers
Posted: July 21st, 2008, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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Wow... best climax to a monster movie I have ever read.


http://www.youtube.com/reddragonproductions

COMPLETE: "Rose Haven"
WRITING: Modern Western
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 22nd, 2008, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hey James, just finished.  I read through all the reviews as well.  For the most part, it seems like most liked this, although they didn't appreciate the characters much.

I can't say I agree, and I want to say, as I always do, that this is merely my opinion, and is meant as critique and hopefully help.

I didn't like this at all, I'm sorry to say.  In thinking back, nothing at all worked for me.  Let's get to the details.

Nothing unique or new here in terms of plot and story.  We've all seen the experiment gone wrong theme again and again.  I don't buy the setup at all.  You've got this huge complex, yet there appears to be only a total of 5 people on duty, and no one seems real.  The Subject's escape is way too easy.  The guards and Wier are all like cartoon characters in their actions and the way they speak.

The kids don't come across as real either.  I'm not sure where exactly they were coming from on their drive to NY to see Maiden, but it just doesn't make any sense that they'd be stopping at a B&B along the way.  Why and how is a 14 year old along for this trip?  Concerts are at night, meaning they need a place to sleep after the show also.  This means this trip is at least 3 nights and 4 days of driving!  Doesn't make any sense.  Metalheads like this would be partying, not sitting around a B&B playing cards with a 60 year old dude for no reason.

And the Subject checking into the B&B also, is downright laughable.  So we've got to assume that the complex that it all started at is very close by the B&B, cause it sounds like both the Subject and Wier and his 2 goons make it there on foot. How are they tracking him?  Why did it take them so long to get there?  The questions could go on and on about things making no sense.

The actions and reactions of the characters are again comical and nonsensical.  Over the top is one thing, but this is ludicrous.  Seeing tons of blood under a door and hearing growls and the like (and a bloody note asking for meat), and what do our trio of metalheads suggest?  They want to open the door and see if they can help.  C'mon!  And calling the police and just giving up like they did?  And the police acting like they did in the first place?  All insanely illogical and completely unbelievable.

OK, what about the action?  Well, the final scene basically goes on for about 30 something pages and it's just nonstop action, with one after another of the same thing happening.  None of it rings real or believable, and because of that, it's almost like a comedy.  I could go on and on about this last scene, but I don't think I really need to.  Let's just concentrate on Rory and Cody's final battle.  It sounds like they're just picking up weapons left and right here.  Knives, cleavers, shotguns, rifles...all apparently lined up and waiting to be used.  Just downright crazy.  And then, after all this, they just walk away to their car?  No injuries?  No hospital stay just to check them out?  Wow!

OK, I seriously apologize for the harshness here, but I'm literally shocked that everyone basically said that they enjoyed this.  I'm actually shocked, because literally nothing came off as remotely real or believable.  And when things are this far from truth, it's very difficult to be scared or shocked.

Here's my advice...completely change the setting.  Completely change the trio and what they're doing.  Read your dialogue out loud (especially for Wier) and rewrite it so that it comes off as real.  Tone down the action so that when it hits, it hits harder, because when things are going at the pace they're going for as long as they're going, it gets beyond tedious, and becomes actually silly and funny.

If this is meant as horror comedy, then take what I've said in line with that.  If it's meant to be serious, it doesn't work as written.

And finally, I've got to believe that this is meant to be a very low budget production.  I base that on that fact that the whole movie plays out in 2 settings, and the first one is only the beginning.  The problem is that to make this work in any way, shape, or form, you've got to have some fantastic special effects, and lots of them, and those aint cheap.  So, what I'm saying is, again, it just doesn't make sense overall to me.

Again, I don't mean to be an ass, and I hope that you can use some of this to help in your rewrites.  Take care.

  
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James McClung
Posted: July 22nd, 2008, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Dreamscale.


Quoted from Dreamscale
You've got this huge complex, yet there appears to be only a total of 5 people on duty, and no one seems real.  The Subject's escape is way too easy.  The guards and Wier are all like cartoon characters in their actions and the way they speak.


This is a good point. I would point out that this is a laboratory, not a prison. They're trying to keep people out, not in. Then again, I've thrown in alarms and searchlights. I'll fix this.


Quoted from Dreamscale
The kids don't come across as real either.  I'm not sure where exactly they were coming from on their drive to NY to see Maiden, but it just doesn't make any sense that they'd be stopping at a B&B along the way.  Why and how is a 14 year old along for this trip?  Concerts are at night, meaning they need a place to sleep after the show also.  This means this trip is at least 3 nights and 4 days of driving!  Doesn't make any sense.  Metalheads like this would be partying, not sitting around a B&B playing cards with a 60 year old dude for no reason.


All of this is explained, expect for the 14 year old coming along for the ride. I imagine one could just assume Cody bugged Rory to drag him along. Hence... no partying. Indeed, they would party if he were not around, especially Phil. It's a good point, nevertheless. I can incorporate some sentiments into the dialogue. I wrote this two years ago so I had other challenges on my mind. Nowadays, there're considerably less I have to worry about.

EDIT: I just got rid of the entire poker playing scene. Two years later, I realize it's completely lame and really only serves to develop a character that's not all that important.


Quoted from Dreamscale
If this is meant as horror comedy, then take what I've said in line with that.  If it's meant to be serious, it doesn't work as written.


It is. Some of the issues you've mentioned are meant to be comical/over the top. However others are simply things I never have had (and still don't have) issues with. Honestly, I don't think this changes much on your end. You didn't seem to like it either way.


Quoted from Dreamscale
And finally, I've got to believe that this is meant to be a very low budget production.  I base that on that fact that the whole movie plays out in 2 settings, and the first one is only the beginning.  The problem is that to make this work in any way, shape, or form, you've got to have some fantastic special effects, and lots of them, and those aint cheap.


Wasn't thinking about budget when I wrote it but at this point, I'm pretty sure this script is never going to see the light of day .

Anyway, thanks again for the read. Sorry you didn't like it. Can't say I agree with everything you've said but you've made some important points as well. I'll be sure to take your comments into consideration.



Revision History (1 edits)
James McClung  -  July 22nd, 2008, 6:55pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 22nd, 2008, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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Sounds good bud.  Again, I didn't mean to be so harsh...I just started reviewing and that's what kept coming up in my mind.  Glad you take it constructively.

Up the irons, mate! (an old Maidenism)
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: July 22nd, 2008, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hey James,

I didn't browse through the other reviews. So I'm prob going to repeat alot what other reviewers mentioned, but it just serves to show that these are the things to fix. Also,, I saw a post I made earlier when I was a newbie on this site. I apologize for that and heres the review.

positive: It read quick. You had some good scenes such as the fighting scenes between the subject and Rory, Cory, Weir, Zeb, Zeke, etc. Also the opening when the Subject escapes.

Negative: I think you can add a bit of backstory towards how the subject was created. You do provide a flashback at the end, but what about moving it to the beginning and developing so that it can lead to the subject escaping.

Character wise, it was decent. I told apart the three characters. This is the tough part. I know since I'm experiencing it. lol. But there's not much development on Rory or Phil except for Cody so maybe you should focus more Cody rather than the other two.

Other things I noted:

There should be more guards at this facility. Even though it's private, the fact that they handle test subjects requires a lot of guards. But I did like Zeb and Zeke. They reminded me of Rory and Cory.  

The scene with Phil, Rory, and Cory driving. Around pg. 8 I think you should have Cory and Rory say the curse to Phil. It shows development on Cory.

On the end of page 9, Weir's dialgoue to Zeb or Zeke gives too much away. You should hold off a bit.

When the Subject arrives at the motel, I think Mimi should be asking more questions as the driver did. And if the subject wanted to avoid those questions why not hand her a lump of money or start the killing there.  

For Cory to ignore pus and blood is far fetched. I don't know how sleepy one can be to not spot it.

When trapped in the basement, if Rory had a cellphone, why not take it out beforehand or make it look like he remembered there and now.

If Wier can threaten Zeke with the pistol, why can't he shoot Phil himself?

When Weir and Zeb go down to the basement, won't Weir want them as bait to kill the subject? I saw that you did this later but why not then when they are running from the Subject.

In regards to when Mimi makes that "your trying to act like God", when Weir goes to Mimi, would weir not use mimi as hostage to get the shotgun back at that exact moment? Not later.

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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