Hey Mike;

Read a shameless plug in the Trade review section, and you had mentioned that this featured vile and disgusting behaviors. So, here is my notes...Haven't read any other reviews, so plz exuse any redundancys...

Overall, thoroughly enjoyed it.

Haley needed a proper introduction, but starting off with a hot girl in her undies is always a good start...

Fred's face explodes "every which way", then two descriptions down the bottles falling also shatter "every which way".

Buzz establishes his character nicely with the episode in the liquor store, killing Ace and establishing the over the top Tarantino-esque tone that I think runs through most the piece...Structure reminded me alot of Dusk til Dawn...

Pg. 13 Uh-oh. Pete the cop is talking about years left to keep the peace. Death sentence imminent for poor ol' Pete.

Pg. 16. Jimmy. Seems mentally impaired, looking for "cemetery people"...Could there be zombus sapiens popping up? Bet the bear traps are going to be useful for something other than bears...

Figured Carrie was associated with Brody due to his obvious concern about her in the car...

I like how these early scenes are set up and paced- there is a beginning, a middle and a clear end to each sequence.

pg. 23 Pretty comic at this point..."Bending"...ouch...Haley's skirt being stuck...Both are funny...Also liked Jerry and Dan dancing through the crowd...Done that trick a few times...I like the names-every one is sounds different and it's pretty easy to tell who is who, even with the cast of characters that are assembled....

Pg. 31 Nice merging of the plotlines as the kids cruise by Carrie...

Pg. 42 - 46 Here's the vile part. Really hate Buzz at this point, and looking forward to him getting his...It's a critical moment as Nick starts to see Buzz more clearly...

pg. 51  the cemetary people are zombies...Creepy, silver eyed zombies...Is this the style of zombie that Vince is dressed as?

Pg. 59 How does Pete know Jimmy? Seems like he's just a crazy kid running through the woods...He might also speak in exclaimation points! He's emphatic about this...dont think he'd be matter of fact.

Pg. 65. Poor Vince...the costumed zombie getting eaten by the real zombies.

Pg. 72..Pete's death scene actually throws a little comedy in this stretch of story...his dry dialogue cracked me up...

Pg. 73 Liked the device of Pike having the flickering flashlight. That was a good character indicator...

Pg 75. Liked Nicks line about the carnival...fit perfectly for the seen it all from all sides character that he is

I don't think they all would have tolerated banding together with Buzz at this point. I think Nick would have killed him point blank first chance he got, come what may...

Pg. 92. I new that unboarded window in the bathroom would be a problem...They'll always find a way inside...

Pg. 101...Huh? How does he see Jimmy when the others don't?Might be that Jimmy was among the pressing horde, but the others would have noticed that he was relatively fresh compared to his decayed compadres...

I felt let down in the end. Buzz was so evil, so vile, he really deserved every thing that Tara got, if not more so...He dies pretty plain, not a major showdown between the two sources of evil...Perhaps if he banged his way into the bathroom to attempt to rape Tara again, and he is by the window and gets his legs ripped off...the punishment didn't fit the crime...His death needed to be more evil, more vile, more gruesome than what everyone else got...And, please, save Tara...Poor girl's been through enough...

Wow, thanks for bringing this one up from the depths.  Well sort of, it was still on the first page I think, but it's always nice to get a bump, especially for a feature.

You did manage to comment on a few thinsg that were mentioned by others, but your reaction to the script seems to be a little bit different than most.  Mainly in that you liked it.

A few responses, not necessarily in order.

I noticed a few of the things you commented on were in regards to certain formulaic elements of horror, or some other movies for that matter.  The "two days to retirement" cop getting his, and the virginal, good girl aspect.  These were some things I really wanted to turn around on its ear.  Sure,  Pete got his, but I think he lasted a little longer than usual anyway, and Tara's whole situation.  Well, I can't change that.  That's just a whole switch on the genre for me.  The good girls gets it while the slut (Haley lives).  Laurel was more on the fence.  Haley actually died in an earlier draft.  Buzz threw her to the zombies on the porch.

The cemetery people are definitely zombies, but I wanted to create a different visual with them.  Hopefully my description was something you found cool in your mind's eye.  Vince's costume was more like a standard zombie.

Thanks for catching the every which way thing.  definitely redundant.

The unboarded window was definitely an easy plot device.  Somebody has to die because of a slip up, right.  I couldn't eliminate ALL the conventions.

Pete knew Jimmy cause he's the sheriff in a relatively small area where everybody knows everybody.

I liked the thing with Pike's light too.  I thought it would make for a good scare moment, and also help to identify him.  It was hard as hell writing a script that takes place in various parts of the woods (hence some of the sluglines) and trying to keep tabs on everybody.

And Buzz's death.  I suppose it can come off as somewhat anti-climactic, but is it just the way it goes down or his reaction (or lack therof) that does it for you?  To me, I liked the idea of him pulling off one last dick move by using his very last bullet on Nick.  Maybe if I described him getting torn apart in more detail?  Actually having him scream?

I'm glad to see that you were able to differentiate between the characters, since I started to wonder based on some previous feedback about that, and they all seemed to be relatively different to me.  It's a lot of overload up front in intro'ing them all, but after that 15 page mark it's all down hill from there.

Thanks again for reading.

And Buzz's death.  I suppose it can come off as somewhat anti-climactic, but is it just the way it goes down or his reaction (or lack therof) that does it for you?  To me, I liked the idea of him pulling off one last dick move by using his very last bullet on Nick.  Maybe if I described him getting torn apart in more detail?  Actually having him scream?

I think its just the way it goes down...It's like in Raiders, the evil Nazi just gets shot by Indy instead of opening the Ark and having his face melt...He needs a face melting, a this guy is getting everything he deserves kind of of exit...

Throw him to the zombies, (which I did like the descriptions...a bit more demonic than the standard Romero zombies lumbering around). Give him what Tara got. Let him die because of the slip up and his insatiable lust for Tara...

I liked to see conventions turned upside down and backwards...Had no problem with Tara getting in trouble (in a movie sense of course and not because I dated a girl named Tara and it didn't go so well)...I did think for a while that Buzz was gonna get John Bobbitt-ed (Or Garped if you remember that old movie) by Haley (pg 84), though...Have Haley get Buzz in the bathroom by the window and Bam! Triple whammy! Gets the member chomped off while Zombies chomp of everything else...Course, she has to spit the severed Mr. Happy back in his face...

It did get a little confusing with the two groups running about in the woods, but not terribly so...If it were filmed, it wouldn't even be an issue.

I read the other reviews, and I can see some of the points, however I don't think there are any characters that are extraneous or do nothing advance the plot...In a horror movie, you got to have victims, and to be effective they have to be victims you know at least a little about...Fred and Ace build Buzz's Character...the girls play off each other in terms of contrast (like the club scene) and the guys with their priest and tarzan costumes are more than just expendable people...I'm sure there were a mess of characters introduced in all the friday the 13th pictures, too...Just the nature of the genre...It was alot more interesting to see Pete get slammed with that trap than Victim #4...

Quoted from Shelton And Buzz's death.  I suppose it can come off as somewhat anti-climactic, but is it just the way it goes down or his reaction (or lack therof) that does it for you?  To me, I liked the idea of him pulling off one last dick move by using his very last bullet on Nick.  Maybe if I described him getting torn apart in more detail?  Actually having him scream?

I think its just the way it goes down...It's like in Raiders, the evil Nazi just gets shot by Indy instead of opening the Ark and having his face melt...He needs a face melting, a this guy is getting everything he deserves kind of of exit...

Throw him to the zombies, (which I did like the descriptions...a bit more demonic than the standard Romero zombies lumbering around). Give him what Tara got. Let him die because of the slip up and his insatiable lust for Tara...

I liked to see conventions turned upside down and backwards...Had no problem with Tara getting in trouble (in a movie sense of course and not because I dated a girl named Tara and it didn't go so well)...I did think for a while that Buzz was gonna get John Bobbitt-ed (Or Garped if you remember that old movie) by Haley (pg 84), though...Have Haley get Buzz in the bathroom by the window and Bam! Triple whammy! Gets the member chomped off while Zombies chomp of everything else...Course, she has to spit the severed Mr. Happy back in his face...

It did get a little confusing with the two groups running about in the woods, but not terribly so...If it were filmed, it wouldn't even be an issue.

I read the other reviews, and I can see some of the points, however I don't think there are any characters that are extraneous or do nothing advance the plot...In a horror movie, you got to have victims, and to be effective they have to be victims you know at least a little about...Fred and Ace build Buzz's Character...the girls play off each other in terms of contrast (like the club scene) and the guys with their priest and tarzan costumes are more than just expendable people...I'm sure there were a mess of characters introduced in all the friday the 13th pictures, too...Just the nature of the genre...It was alot more interesting to see Pete get slammed with that trap than Victim #4...[/quote]

Okay, I can see where you're coming from with the Buzz bit, and I'm definitely familiar with Garp.  I catch that one on cable every so often.

Member biting, eh?  Hmmm...I always thought of this as kind of a hybrid of The Last House on the Left and Night of the Living Dead.  Could the member biting be in the cards?  I plan on tweaking with this a little bit yet once things start to slow down for me, so I may try to work that in.

I had a decent sized review up(which you responded to, Mike), but it got erased when the boards went down.

All I've got to say is that this is a really good horror script that's not as popular as it should be! It's great characters and an awsome premise.

The zombies in this are great. They seem original compared to other zombies. I love how they couldn't die.

Format and everything is great, as usual with your stuff Mike. Descriptions where short and simple.

I like the curveball you through at us by having Tara be killed. I didn't see that coming.

Good script and I'd love to see a sequel! If you haven't read this yet... read it!

~Zack~

I know I said it might be a few days before I had something up...then I wound up reading it immediately after in one sitting haha.  

Jeez, Shelton, this was a lot darker than anything I've ever read from you.  You have a really daring story here because of the extreme mixing of characters and I think this is kind of like two stories in one.  The first half I really enjoyed, but the second half not so much.  I thoroughly enjoyed the first half of the script because it was bold, brutal, vicious, and real.  The second half, though, it felt like the intensity went down and the characters turned one dimensional.  

I like how the criminal gang operated and as evil as Buzz was, I liked him because he was an incredibly effective character.  I think he goes down as one of the best villains I've seen on this site because of his atrocious behavior mixed with sharp dialogue throughout as well as his demeanor.  The girls and the guys I think could have been expanded a bit, but as is I was able to follow them without issue.  If anything, I think Brody and Pete were only there for another side story.  If they were taken out, nothing would really be different, it would just be 10 pages shorter.  

I was astounded when the violence in the woods started with Buzz leading the action.  I mean, that was really bad stuff but you executed it well to really trigger an emotion while reading.  A lot of brutal scripts I've read on here involve all kinds of blood, violence, guts, chainsaws, etc., but I think the "multicolored red and brown stain" was just top of the mountain.  Now that's a top shock factor.  And the fact that Buzz remained so "laid back" during it all made it all the more wild.  That whole scene there with Buzz violating everyone...that was intense.  That's effective brutality that doesn't necessarily need blood and guts to succeed.

So that was the first half.  As I said, I really enjoyed it up to that point, but once the zombies came it actually became a little frustrating to read at times.  Buzz was a scene stealer because he was such a lunatic so it wasn't him.  It was mostly everyone else because most of the dialogue that poured out of their mouths were "I don't know" or "What is that?" and "I don't know!" again.  I did like how the group split up there with some of the innocents even going with Buzz.  I didn't like how it bounced around from the Buzz gang to the two cops(who didn't really add anything) and then to Jimmy, and then back to Nick and his group.  If the cops were more heavily involved then I think it may have been different, but as of now it just didn't work for me.

I think you should add a scene where they actually explore the graveyard.  Having that kinda stuff in the middle of the woods is really cool.

When they were all couped up in Everett's house, again I felt a little frustrated because Buzz and Nick kept going at each other - like 4 times in fact - but there wasn't any resolution.  And Nick was a total puss when standing up to Buzz, man.  I mean, earlier on he was fine, but in the house he just seemed terrified of Buzz.  None of his threats or insults really seemed effective and I think since Nick is trying to redeem himself and be a hero, they should have been.

That whole scene, though, was interesting because you're bringing all of these characters together...three different extremes actually, and they acted the way you'd think they'd act.  Buzz was still a dickfore, the girls were still shooken up from being violated, Everett has no idea as to what's going on, etc.  The structure of the character interaction redeemed itself there, but it was when they were running from the zombies where I think it came apart.

So as I said: the first half I really, really enjoyed.  Despite what I said about the second half, I can't say that I didn't like it.  As a whole, I enjoyed the script because right from the start the action takes you in.  There were about 20 pages where it lagged in the woods with the zombies, but the character situations really made for interesting conflicts.  So nice job here, really.  I'd like to see you do the darker stuff more often because, at least with this sample, you're really good at it.

It was a pleasure, Shelton!

I read this a while back and I liked it? How different is this new version? I'm thinking about giving it another look. I'm guessing it's different enough to start a whole new thread for it. Would I be right?

Quoted from James McClung I read this a while back and I liked it? How different is this new version? I'm thinking about giving it another look. I'm guessing it's different enough to start a whole new thread for it. Would I be right?

It's quite different than the one you originally read, since I added a few more characters and beefed it up with character development in the first half.  What you read before is essentially the last half of this script.

It's a new thread because I took the original script down to rework it, and I knew it was going to take awhile, so I played it safe and didn't subject anyone to it.

Greg,

Thanks for the feedback.  I'll respond in more detail later.

Hey Mike, is this the script formerly known as 'Disposable Heroes'?  I recall that one being posted a long time ago and then I think it was taken down...or I could be completely wrong.

And James, I would recommend taking another look at it.  I think any fan of horror will definitely find this script enjoyable.

Quoted from greg Hey Mike, is this the script formerly known as 'Disposable Heroes'?  I recall that one being posted a long time ago and then I think it was taken down...or I could be completely wrong. And James, I would recommend taking another look at it.  I think any fan of horror will definitely find this script enjoyable.

Nope, Disposable Heroes is a completely different script.  It's still on here, but probably way back in the Horror section somewhere.  If I were to post it today, I'd probably put it in Action, but the horror element is there I guess.

What James was referring to was a 65 odd page earlier draft that he read.  All of that stuff is in here, it's just expanded upon and spread a little more throughout.

And thanks for the recommend.  While I'm here, I guess I should respond to your previous comments...

I can totally see where you're coming from in regards to the first half being real and the second half falling off a little for you.  Obviously, it's because of the element that's introduced, but it definitely makes a lot of sense.  When I try to explain the structure of it, the easiest way to do it is to say that's structured like From Dusk Till Dawn.  It begins like a crime drama, but then the rug gets pulled out from under you and it becomes a monster movie.  

This is definitely the darkest thing I've ever written, and with you having read most, if not all, of my previous comedies, it probably does come as quite a surprise.  I'm glad that I was somewhat successful with it though.  I always get nervous when I step out of my comfort zone, but to me, it's one of the best ways I can think of to grow as a writer and hone my skill.

Buzz seems to get mixed reviews for the most part.  When he's in the limelight, he's the man basically because he's the driving force behind everything, but when things switched, not so much because he's not the true antagonist any longer.  It's weird.

I'm glad that you were able to get what I was going for in the "violation" scene, without it seeming like it was too over the top.  I definitely wanted it to have some shock value, but be more dramatic than just flat out gross.

I never actually put it down on paper, but for a time I considered everything going down in the graveyard, and then being thrown into it as they watch these bodies emerge from the ground instead of seeing them approach via a road flare.  Ultimately, I thought it was a little hokey so I opted for what's in there.

Pete and Brody aren't essential characters by any means.  I brought them into the expansion because I expanded the role of Carrie (in the original there is no Carrie, just a chick that gets hit by a car and causes the group to stop) and wanted to give her some tie to the outside in order to up her stakes a little.  Jimmy and Everett were also expanded after originally only appearing at Everett's cabin, and Jimmy not showing up until he's a zombie.

Most people have suggested making Nick a little more consistent, so I'm definitely going to work on that in the next go round, as well as some of the goings on in the woods.  That was a huge pain in the ass to write, and it would probably look ultra siple on film...haha.

Thanks for reading, and I'm glad that you enjoyed it for the most part.

Hey Mike, I remember this one being like 60 pages or something when I first read it so you did add a lot to it.

I think you should have opened up  with the robbery, then have the scene with Tara and Haley, I think opening it with some action would be a better way to go IMO.

Buzz, Nick, Pike and Ace, what?  Are these guys Porn stars?

I'm kinda baffled by Nick's conversion, how he ends up being the nice guy so quickly, maybe if he was Buzz's son or something it would make a little more sense why he was part of the robbery.

I liked how we have to wait for the zombie part of the story, almost half way through, kind of like from dusk till dawn.

I was imagining Ted Levine as Buzz for some reason, I just wish there was a great big fat person in it.

I liked the stuff in the woods more than the stuff in the house, maybe cause it is a little too much like night of the living dead, I think it would be cooler and scarier if the whole story took place in the dark woods, just a thought.

I liked the over the top gore and the over the top way Buzz acts, you make him one evil son of a bitch.

The young people are not as interesting as Buzz, Pete and Everett, I think they have the best lines in the script and are the most fleshed out even though they don't have as many scenes.  Jimmy seems to be a bit of a waste, maybe a little more with him and his dad beofre he goes out.

Anyways this was a good gross out script and I wouldn't be surprised to see you get this one picked up sometime, there is always an audience for these kind of films,.