Hey Alffy, just got through reading your script and I thought it was pretty cool, kind of an olden days version of "Supernatural", two brothers hunting creatures after their parents have been murdered by them.

****************SPOILERS PROBABLY************************8

I think the opening scene was good but I wish they had a little more trouble fighting with the Vampire, since it is the first scene I think it would be better if a lot of things went wrong, to me I always like it when they just barely get away with it, especially the first time we meet them cause at that point we don't know them as the main characters so there is the thought they could get killed.

I think if there was more conflict between the brothers it would also add a little more drama to what is going on, maybe if there was something between them, something from their past, I think it would help give the story a little more drive.

I did like the fallen angel element to it, I thought that was cool, would have liked a little more with them.

once Dragos, Nicolae, and Iancu enter the village it does become a standard "Boo" story, things popping out from the shadows and whatnot, but I like those kinda films myself.  Oh yeah, what's with the names, I know this takes place twoo hundred years ago but these sound like names out of Lord of the rings, even the bible has got people named John and Mark...lol, not a big problem, it just seemed a little weird.

I actually like MIhail the most of all the characters(again with the weird name), and I was sad to see him go.

I did like the ending, but the twisted part of me would have wanted one of the brothers to get bitten, then the other one having to kill him, I know it's more of a downer but for some reason I think they work better.

anyways this was an easy read with some good bloody scenes and a story that was pretty easy to follow, maybe a little more work on the brothers is needed which I think will make your script more dramatic.

Hey Jordan thanks for reading this.

I've been meaning to rewrite this for a while but have been working on other things.

You're right about maybe killing one of the brothers, I did originally have one of them bitten and the other has to make a tough desicion...this may come back.  I think I need to work on the characters but I'm glad you liked Mihail cos he was my favourite too.

I've had comments that the middle part of the script needs work so that's something else I need to work on.

I'm glad you picked up on the old school element, I love the old hammer horror movies and tried to keep this along those lines.

Anywho thanks again.

Hey, Alffy


  I didn’t see a problem with where you put the flashback/storytelling. Whether it’s left there or put somewhere isn’t the biggest issue. The bigger issue is that you establish something here that doesn’t get expanded on much. It doesn’t seem to have an impact on the boys, Dragos and Nicolae. They’ve just as easily could been vampire slayers passing through. I think this contributes to the lack of conflict between the brothers, not only with each other, but also within themselves and the world around them. You spend more talking about what’s for dinner. Who cares? If it’s not a segue into something more. It also appears every time someone was about to explain something they stopped short.

  I think the biggest reason for not only Dragos and Nicolae having this problem but a number of your characters is because of the approach to the dialogue. I understand you want to keep in with the times. But is that more important then giving your characters attitude or values or perspective.


·     First, the dialogue pushes everyone into one corner, one note, polite. Everyone’s too nice no wonder there’s little conflict.
·     Second, structure of dialogue forces the characters to be “on the nose” as some say, making it difficult to give any kind of attitude. Half the time I didn’t know how people felt. I mean sometimes they said how they felt, literally, too literally. I want to get a sense of how they feel.
·     Third, it took up space where you could have been divulging actually information rather than wondering where Bogdan is.

Alexandrel, “Gentlemen, from your intrusion I gather things did not go well?”

Iancu, “The village should be the safest place, for now.”
Dora, “Then why do you hesitate?”


  I’m not even sure what Dragos, Nicolae, and Iancu do. Are they slayers? I mean if they were it wouldn’t matter whether Alexadrel wanted their help or not. I mean I know they are but it’s weird when Iancu says that we shouldn’t help because Alexandrel said not to. I just don’t understand the motive for him saying that.


Continued...

When the Dora character was introduced, I thought finally someone for Dragos to reveal his vaules, motives to. But nothing. I was very disappointed. When she road off passed him he definitely should of went after her that conversation would have been more interesting than anything that came from that meaning he had with Alexandrel.

  The thing that frustrates me with the dialogue is that you have examples in here that consist of what I’m talking about. But it’s so scarce, you can only think of what could have been rather than what was. For instance…


Mihail, “… but he cares very much for their well being.”
Dragos, “… she is very pretty.”
Miahil, “He’s also very protective.”

Best exchange in the entire script. That’s subtext. And…

Sanda, “… we have nothing to hide.”
Mihail, “Nothing. You said nothing to them?”
Sanda, “I have not.”

I think it would have been better if Sanda said, “Like what?” because based on tone and what’s been said before it relays the same message (No, I have not), but it’s in the form of a figure of speech. It gives Sanda an attitude… he wants to get paid (money vs. truth), and this figure of speech just keeps in with his attitude, with attitude.

Right after that Mihail reveals he plans on saying something.
Sanda says, “…as you wish.” (to me that exactly that trying to keep with the times dialogue being polite, it should of went straight to - “they’ve already paid for their room.”

Which is great because again it reiterates who Sanda is he doesn’t care because he already got paid, at least in this scene and the conflict between Sanda and Mihail.


  I think this is why Mihail is the best character in the story. And why Sanda to me is just as interesting as Dragos and Nicolae which isn’t good considering the screen time.

  It’s also vital that you have these group of characters have conflict even though their after the same goal because there’s only a physical opponent the vampires, and Azrael who’s missing for the most part. And physical opponent is only one level.

At first I was like what Mihail is Azrael. Then after Alexandrel kills Mihail, I got right that the Mihail/Azrael things was Alexandrel going insane.


I think that’s it’s easier to make crucial changes once you’ve completed a script because you’ve got a great look at the entire picture. And you gotten through the tough part actually trudging out something. I’m sure that you’ll get the script to the level you want it at.
Hope I’ve been of some help for not only this script, but for your future things.


Thanks, BLb

Hey Busy, thanks for the review and your comments.  

You're pretty much right with everything you've said.  I wrote this over about a year, without even writing a treatment or anything, and I think I lost my direction.  I was just hoping on finishing my first script, which I did in the end.

I plan on tackling this again at some point, after thinking it through and deciding what to add and what to throw away.  I've got a good few ideas which I think will benefit the story, one of which is to lose one major character and maybe kill another?

I worked too much on the dialogue and lost where it was leading, so you were right on that note.  Thanks for the comments on the flashback although I might change it to the beginning with perhaps a narrator rather than the story telling, what do you think?  I think the story feels a bit forced and comes across as something a father wouldn't say?

Anywho thanks again, your comments are greatly appreciated and taken on board.