SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 7:23am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  The Clean Up Crew Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Clean Up Crew  (currently 4851 views)
Don
Posted: February 16th, 2008, 9:01am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Clean Up Crew by Michael Prevette (mike p) - Adventure - It's a normal Friday night for the industrial cleaners, as they arrive for the midnight shift at Better Life Chemicals. But soon they'll find that Better Life is not what they think as horrific bio-genetic experiments break loose from their cages deep in the complex, and come out looking for escape...and dinner ! 94 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
alffy
Posted: February 20th, 2008, 11:06am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Hey Mike here’s may review as promised.

First thing I noticed is the 2003 on the pdf, was this written then and has it been rewritten since?

I have to mention is the capitalising of too many words, it’s a bit distracting.

Page 1, you missed out ‘with’, the car is filled TECH MEN.  I also noticed a few more errors but I’m gonna leave them.  I’d rather comment on the story and structure than point out every spelling and grammatical error.

I like the panic but maybe you should give the Tech guys either names or distinguishing features so you don’t have to refer to them as numbers.  It gets a bit confusing, I know they are only fodder to set the tone but I just think it would read better.

I don’t get the air support, why call them?  They can’t shoot at the creature as they are in the forest and they aren’t there to evacuate the tech’s cos they land and get out?  Maybe a quick radio call to base to say they weren’t at the evac point or something would make their actions of leaving the chopper more plausible.  Even a crackle of radio talk would fit well.

Malcolm’s early anarchy sets his character from the get go, lighting the cigarette I mean.

There’s occasions when you over write like, Malcolm sits at his workstation, he can do anything from this command centre.  You describe the phone, fax etc so it makes the description a bit redundant.

Again you state Chan has a ‘can do attitude’, a frustrated basketball player, how do you show this o screen?  This goes for your introductions of the other characters too, you say too much about their personalities that can’t be shown.  Also you refer to Chris Chan as Chan but Odell Smith as Odell?  Why one by Christian name and the other by surname?

‘Her breasts swell.  Awesome.’.  This rings of adolescent writing.

The dialogue though reads well.

Adam is a strange and original creature, sounds really weird.  I like it.

When Hoskins and Badami try to take a blood test from Adam, he is understandably scared so why doesn’t Malcolm reassure him?  He’s still there by the intercom and just been talking to Adam, so seems a bit strange.

‘Later’ should be inserted in your slug and not the action.

What’s ‘shooting the breeze mean’?  Sorry if I’m being too English here but I never heard that before.

Seems a bit weird that the clean up crew didn’t know where they were working until Karen said so.  Don’t they have a rotor or something?

Page 28 Trish’s dialogue has an error…oh I said I wouldn’t do spelling. Lol.

Ricky complains about the garbage then says he’ll do it if Karen does the waxing?

OK I’m about a third of the way through so I’ll give a brief summary of my thoughts so far.  Your central characters are individual enough so that’s good.  They have their own characteristics and their dialogue reads well.  As for the pacing, seems OK too.  You had a nice bit of action to set up the story, and then some background about the plant and its inhabitants.  So far so good, I’ll be back to this soon Mike.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 20
mikep
Posted: February 20th, 2008, 11:30am Report to Moderator
New



Location
North Carolina USA
Posts
238
Posts Per Day
0.04

Quoted Text
First thing I noticed is the 2003 on the pdf, was this written then and has it been rewritten since?(/quote]

Yeah the first draft was 03, it's had two rewrites since then, top to bottom rewrites with some drastic changes. But since maybe 05 haven't gone back to make any changes.

have to mention is the capitalising of too many words, it’s a bit distracting

That comes from a number of produced scripts I'd read back in the 90's and into  2000, with major actions or effects capitalized. I think it's more a gimmick to draw attention to the action and also is better off in a shooting script If there. It's something I just never took out during a rewrite but would on the next draft.


Quoted Text
Page 1, you missed out ‘with’, the car is filled TECH MEN.  I also noticed a few more errors but I’m gonna leave them.  I’d rather comment on the story and structure than point out every spelling and grammatical error.

I like the panic but maybe you should give the Tech guys either names or distinguishing features so you don’t have to refer to them as numbers.  It gets a bit confusing, I know they are only fodder to set the tone but I just think it would read better.
  
Ok, story and structure is fine, I'm sure there are a few other typos, if someone else doesn't catch them I will when I go back to revise. On the fence for naming the Techs, yes they were named 1, 2, etc since they never appear again. If you feel it helps, can easily go back and name them.

Malcolm’s early anarchy sets his character from the get go, lighting the cigarette I mean.


Quoted Text
There’s occasions when you over write like, Malcolm sits at his workstation, he can do anything from this command centre.  You describe the phone, fax etc so it makes the description a bit redundant.
Again you state Chan has a ‘can do attitude’, a frustrated basketball player, how do you show this o screen?  This goes for your introductions of the other characters too, you say too much about their personalities that can’t be shown.  Also you refer to Chris Chan as Chan but Odell Smith as Odell?  Why one by Christian name and the other by surname?

Yes I did tend to overwrite then. That's something I've wanted to learn to pare down and I think have succeeded finally in later years.  Chan is Chan and Odell is Odell since it felt to me, those names captured them best, sounded best as their character name.


Quoted Text
‘Her breasts swell.  Awesome.’.  This rings of adolescent writing.
It's more to indicate it needs to be an awesome, even maybe campy moment


Quoted Text
What’s ‘shooting the breeze mean’?  Sorry if I’m being too English here but I never heard that before.
American slang for sitting around chatting, killing time


Quoted Text
Seems a bit weird that the clean up crew didn’t know where they were working until Karen said so.  Don’t they have a rotor or something?
nice point, yes they should know the schedule



Quoted Text
OK I’m about a third of the way through so I’ll give a brief summary of my thoughts so far.  Your central characters are individual enough so that’s good.  They have their own characteristics and their dialogue reads well.  As for the pacing, seems OK too.  You had a nice bit of action to set up the story, and then some background about the plant and its inhabitants.  So far so good, I’ll be back to this soon Mike.

Many thanks, am looking forward to your thoughts!



13 feature scripts, 2 short subjects. One sale, 4 options. Nothing filmed. Damn.

Currently rewriting another writer's SciFi script for an indie producer in L.A.
Logged Offline
Private Message YIM Reply: 2 - 20
Old Time Wesley
Posted: February 23rd, 2008, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Location
Ontario, Canada
Posts
2908
Posts Per Day
0.38
The opening sequence at times is way too descriptive. It is good but I think it has way too much bulk to it.

You should try to get rid of all the mores and cont'd at the end of every page.

On page 9 your description says "He's gone out on a limb" I know some people let this go but I just thought I would bring it up and say you're telling us something that cannot be shown.

Your descriptions of CC and OS do a similar thing where you tell us details that can be easily shown if they are important enough to warrant it.

I like Adam. The character is like Sonny from I, Robot. The outsider who just wants to be inside but can never be because he's different. It's sad actually. Sadly his death isn't as sad as you meant it to be because it is cluttered with his body being in pieces or something... more on that later.

Trish transcending is a good callback but I don't know if I believe it. Certain stretches are made when watching films but that's a little touchy. The almost acid like urine by the dog is funny though even if you didn't mean it to be.

I don't like Baxter. He goes from likable, to weird (with the floozy), to a complete asshole to a hero and I just couldn't get past the asshole part to like him again.

The mansters death wasn't really explained very well. The way I understood it, the Manster burned but why did Baxter tell Odell to shoot anything that moves and you just cut to them going to the diner pretty much.

Neither was Adam's to be honest with you. The gun went off in Adam's stomach? It cut him in half or cut his head off or what? It just got confusing.

The major problem I found is that you describe way, way too much. As I mentioned for the opening sequence and that was pretty much the only problem I had. Sometimes the descriptive nature of the script helped it and other times it made it confusing.

You have some good callbacks. Scares. Horror. Adventure. Action. You even have some comedy in there for good measure.

I enjoyed this script simply for the relationships and the lack of deaths.

You don't explain what happened to all the other creatures from the cells. I'd like to know that to be honest with you. If I invest time into a film and it doesn't explain certain things I kind of get angry and check IMDB to see if it was every explained. (As was the case with that horrid film Silent Hill)

I would have liked to see Adam in action more like the Rottweiler turning on him or something.

What happened to Spook? Do they ever find his body or was he killed and eaten?

With the exception of a handful of spelling errors and misspelled words that you'd have to really look to find and over descriptive descriptions I really enjoyed this script. Tighten up the descriptions and fix the spelling errors and you have one decent script on your hands that people will enjoy reading today, tomorrow and even five years from now.

I always try to help with reviews and if it is helpful good and if not you didn't leave much to pick at. I could have went through and nit picked about every single problem in spelling but I didn't because that bulks up a review and has very little "help" in it when you can find those errors yourself by looking.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do with this script. This is my opinion of course but it is a decent science fiction horror action script... not to sure why you put it in adventure because it has more elements of a survival horror action film.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 20
mikep
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 7:46am Report to Moderator
New



Location
North Carolina USA
Posts
238
Posts Per Day
0.04

Quoted from Old Time Wesley
The opening sequence at times is way too descriptive. It is good but I think it has way too much bulk to it. You should try to get rid of all the mores and cont'd at the end of every page.


I'm trimming down my stage direction, that's been my main opportunity is to curb my tendancy to overwrite descriptions.


Quoted Text
Trish transcending is a good callback but I don't know if I believe it. Certain stretches are made when watching films but that's a little touchy. The almost acid like urine by the dog is funny though even if you didn't mean it to be
yeah the transcending is a leap of faith I was hoping people would make, especially given the moment it's used - is it too much? I don't think so but am interested to see who else might point it out.


Quoted Text
I don't like Baxter. He goes from likable, to weird (with the floozy), to a complete asshole to a hero and I just couldn't get past the asshole part to like him again.
I dont think he needs to be likable per se, more of the needed ass at that point, the guy you DON'T like but who has enough integrity to get them out of the jam. I'll look to see if I can smooth him out a bit more.


Quoted Text
The mansters death wasn't really explained very well. The way I understood it, the Manster burned but why did Baxter tell Odell to shoot anything that moves and you just cut to them going to the diner pretty much
I'll check the action again but intended it to be pretty clear, the "shoot anything" line is just a capper, it can be dropped if it's confusing.


Quoted Text
Neither was Adam's to be honest with you. The gun went off in Adam's stomach? It cut him in half or cut his head off or what? It just got confusing.
  I gently suggest you check that again, it's written as Adam biting Malcom's gun hand, then the gun goes off - however it IS in the middle of a block of action maybe that's where it confused you


Quoted Text
The major problem I found is that you describe way, way too much. As I mentioned for the opening sequence and that was pretty much the only problem I had. Sometimes the descriptive nature of the script helped it and other times it made it confusing.
Again, yeah I agree the description is bulky, and I'm streamlining everything.


Quoted Text
You have some good callbacks. Scares. Horror. Adventure. Action. You even have some comedy in there for good measure.  I enjoyed this script simply for the relationships and the lack of deaths.
Excellent...I was hoping it would work as a colorful character adventure....something that's fun, exciting and populated with people you like.



Quoted Text
I would have liked to see Adam in action more like the Rottweiler turning on him or something.
What happened to Spook? Do they ever find his body or was he killed and eaten?
   Other readers had mentioned they had wanted Adam to be more of an action figure, in particular wanting him to take on the Manster, which I'd be opposed to. I didn't want to over-expose him so after his introduction he IS used sparingly, but maybe he needs an overt act, like facing the Dog.


Quoted Text
I could have went through and nit picked about every single problem in spelling but I didn't because that bulks up a review and has very little "help" in it when you can find those errors yourself by looking
My main concerns are with the story itself and I will find the few typos left as I do my current revision. To be honest this is a script I dusted off after a few years, one I like quite a bit, so am hoping for good constructive feedback.



Quoted Text
Good luck with whatever you decide to do with this script. This is my opinion of course but it is a decent science fiction horror action script... not to sure why you put it in adventure because it has more elements of a survival horror action film.

I couldn't decide where it would be better posted...it has elements of sci fi and horror but it was light enough that I was thinking adventure might be the place for it. But I think you are right, it would get more attention in the horror section. I'll ask to see if we can get it moved.  [bert's edit: Done]

Again thanks for the read and am glad you did enjoy it.



13 feature scripts, 2 short subjects. One sale, 4 options. Nothing filmed. Damn.

Currently rewriting another writer's SciFi script for an indie producer in L.A.

Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  February 24th, 2008, 10:27am
Logged Offline
Private Message YIM Reply: 4 - 20
alffy
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Hey Mike sorry for the delay but the site was down the other day.

Anyway I’ll continue my read and thoughts…

Page 31, ‘she’s more and more relaxed as he goes on’.  This should be in the action not dialogue.

The first time Hoskins stuns Adam he was out for the count for a while but the second time, when they’re on their own, Adam isn’t knocked out?  How come?  Adam’s hand was cuffed yet he follows Hoskins through the door?

Page 35, within the space of a few seconds Adam is excited, scared then scared but assured.  That’s a lot of emotions in a short time and a bit confusing.

Guard #2’s reaction is a bit weird, he hears the klaxons so must know something’s a miss but when guard #1 points out the flashing red lights he seem shocked ‘god dam’!  Maybe if the lights flashing indicated where the incident was i.e. the cells, this reaction would be more appropriate.

You have a slug that reads INT. RECEPTION AREA, then your first action line reads ‘In the reception area’, this redundant.  Cutting things like this out will speed up reading.

Odell says they wouldn’t be locked in if there was a fire then moments later says there’s no sign of smoke?

Page 40, your slugs include characters which they shouldn’t.  But I like the way Ricky asks a question then Trish starts the next scene by answering the question with her first dialogue.  Hope that makes sense, it should to you but anyone else reading this won’t have a clue lol.

Some of your dialogue distracts from the tension your trying to build.  You describe you characters as been scared but then they say things that just lighten the mood and the tension is lost.  I don’t think this is intentional?  When Trish and Spook are climbing the ladder, something grabs Trish’s leg freaking her out but then they argue about snakes, this just kills the tension in the situation.  Surely with Spook being scared of heights and Trish being startled by something they would react with fear not light hearted banter?

You do build up the tension well again as the ladder breaks and the creature attacks Spook.

The guards are a bit too scared for my liking lol.

I like the way Chan’s bad basketball skills mean he misses the guards with the globe.

I have a little concern, over an hour in and apart from Adam there’s been little contact between the other creatures and the guards and the clean up crew.  I know Spook got licked, so to speak but I wanna see the other monsters, you describe bits of them well, I wanna see the rest of them.  I guess I’m just too eager lol.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 20
alffy
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
I’m not sure I like the way you describe the grasshopper creature.  I’d just describe its features without all the badass stuff.  Also this action paragraph is to bulky, keep it to 4 or 5 lines, this is 10.

I like Karen’s ‘serious pest control problem’ line.

I also like the dog pissing and taking the paint off the wall.

Page 68 you say everyone gets up, then Baxter says ‘everybody get up’.

I may have missed this but Chan refers to Baxter by his name but I don’t ever recall Baxter introducing himself.  How would Chan know that was his name?

Chan asks Baxter to explain what’s going on but he refuses to answer then seconds later when Odell says something Baxter barks back at him ‘do you understand what’s going on here?  Well obviously he doesn’t cos Baxter won’t tell him.

You describe the creatures well and the deaths are nice too.

Ricky’s sacrifice is a bit out of the blue.

Eaten alive by mutant cockroaches – nice!

So Chan’s basketball skills improve with the waste paper bin.  There was a lot of explaining with Malcolm and everyone.

Page 87, Karen says ‘closer her says’.  I don’t get this?

The tanker chase was pretty cool and you describe it well.

When the crew are at the diner I wonder why they aren’t a bit more upset at the death of Spook and Ricky, plus the injury to Odell.  I loved the final scene though with the lady still cuffed to the bed. Lol

This read OK, a bit wordy at times but your creatures were pretty original.  Not to sure if this was suppose to be serious cos at times it seemed not to take itself that way.  I notice though this has moved from adventure to the horror section.  I do have a concern that your characters, they don’t really achieve anything apart from escaping.  They have no goals and so don’t really develop, this leads to your second and third acts being merged.  The first 30 pages sets out the facility, the creatures and the characters but then it’s hard to see where you second act finishes and the final begins?

I was a little but disappointed that Adam was killed off when he was.  I felt sure that he was gonna save the day by tackling the Manster.

My final thoughts though were this was alright, pretty standard monster slasher but had its moments.  I feel you need to work on your character goals, something I need to work on in my scripts.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 20
Old Time Wesley
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Location
Ontario, Canada
Posts
2908
Posts Per Day
0.38
The best part about this being in "horror" is now I can finally say out of the scripts I have read in this section. I actually like more than one of them.

As far as the transcending goes, the only reason I brought it up was because it seemed a little far fetched but after thinking about it the whole script has far fetched elements which kind of kill the whole argument on that.


Quoted Text
I dont think he needs to be likable per se, more of the needed ass at that point, the guy you DON'T like but who has enough integrity to get them out of the jam. I'll look to see if I can smooth him out a bit more.


The problem I have found is if people hate him it is hard to bring him back and make him the hero as you have. I expected him to die. He can be an ass and a hero at the same time but at times seems to abusive. (If the Guard was the abusive one towards the Crew and he stays neutral without actually being a complete prick to them it fixes it a lot.)


Quoted Text
I gently suggest you check that again, it's written as Adam biting Malcom's gun hand, then the gun goes off - however it IS in the middle of a block of action maybe that's where it confused you


I read it again. At first glance it reads as if he bit his hand off gun and all but at a second glance he is in the middle of the action when the gun goes off. makes a little more sense.

Since I enjoyed this one I may check out some of your other works in the future. Mainly after this OWC is over and people get back to the reality of not reading features.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 20
mikep
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
North Carolina USA
Posts
238
Posts Per Day
0.04
To reply to Alffy's comments:

The continuity issues you mention, someone says something after the action is completed, are probably things I missed in the last revision this thing went through. All of that I'll clean up and thanks for pointing them out. There are some things I missed, like Chan knowing Baxter's name, which is leftover from a deleted scene. I'm glad for the reviews to date since it's pointed out what to fix in the revision.

I did want to keep the mood light overall even though there are moments of tension and gore, that's one reason why I did originally post it in the adventure threads, I thought the mood - (hopefully)fast paced and suspenseful, but with the tongue placed in cheek, leaned more to adventure, but as Wesley pointed out, it'd get more attention in the horror section.

Ricky's about face and sudden heroics need to be built up a bit more. I want him to be the schlub who (obviously) pines for Karen, endlessly complaining who sees, finally, one way to redeem himself in her eyes, but sad to say, it means bye-bye.

The "closer her says" is a typo, should be an eye-rolling "closer, he says!'

The final diner scene I struggled a bit with - yeah they've been through a lot but I wanted to keep the ending light, especially since it leads up to the final gag shot. BUT yes they do need to reflect or comment on their losses, so watch for the revised draft.

You're right in that I messed with the holy three act structure. The set up gets everyone in, defines the situation and characters, and then from there on it's action and escape. One of the first in depth discussions I had on the script was someone else commenting  on the lack of goals, other than escape. They gave the example of Pitch Black, where the characters try numerous things that fail as they go along in their gradual escape. I tinkered with this and came up with a longer, a bit clunkier story that stretched on longer then needed. This is something I might go back to in the revision but I want to keep the brevity if at all possible.

Other also commented on missing out on an Adam/Manster showdown, but with Adam since he IS developed and sympathetic, it felt better keeping his interaction more one on one with the other characters instead of turning him loose in more action. The creatures that attack the crew are all just creatures, and wanted to keep Adam apart from that. Your comments are appreciated, sorry it was just an alright, standard script. Once I get the next draft up maybe you can give it another go.


13 feature scripts, 2 short subjects. One sale, 4 options. Nothing filmed. Damn.

Currently rewriting another writer's SciFi script for an indie producer in L.A.
Logged Offline
Private Message YIM Reply: 8 - 20
mikep
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 9:32am Report to Moderator
New



Location
North Carolina USA
Posts
238
Posts Per Day
0.04
One of the postings above gave me ideas. It's true the structure is skewed a bit, the 3rd act comes late in the script ( like in Seven, the 3rd act begins when John Doe walks into the police station), and It can benefit from some beefing up. I like the idea of Adam being a bit more into the action, and he can do a bit more than be the lord of all he surveys. I think a confrontation with another creature, maybe a stand off with the dog, can work - as Adam leads the team to safety and to the last encounter with Malcolm. As it stands now, 93 pages is a short to the point script and while I don't want to run to 120 it can surely stand another 10 or 12 pages to both flesh out the act, add some action to Adam's character as well. Nice.

I'm implement in the rewrite.


13 feature scripts, 2 short subjects. One sale, 4 options. Nothing filmed. Damn.

Currently rewriting another writer's SciFi script for an indie producer in L.A.
Logged Offline
Private Message YIM Reply: 9 - 20
alffy
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Hope you don't take my comments on structure to literately, the whole act 1 has to end on page whatever is all tosh as far as I'm concerned.  You're right, some really good films don't stick to the structure rules so you shouldn't feel preesured to.  I've probably contradicted myself there but who cares.  As for the light hearted feel, I have no worries about that also, it was just with this moving into the horror section I wasn't sure if this was suppose to be a serious piece or not.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 20
mikep
Posted: February 26th, 2008, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
North Carolina USA
Posts
238
Posts Per Day
0.04
Actually you have a good point on the structure. I don't really have an issue with the structure as it stands, but if I do prolong the 3rd act a bit, it also gives the opportunity to embellish Adam a bit. So it's useful feedback.


13 feature scripts, 2 short subjects. One sale, 4 options. Nothing filmed. Damn.

Currently rewriting another writer's SciFi script for an indie producer in L.A.
Logged Offline
Private Message YIM Reply: 11 - 20
Tod
Posted: February 28th, 2008, 10:31am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
9
Posts Per Day
0.00
First I was quite irritated by the amount of capitalized words... but I got used to it.

Your opening scene amounts to nothing if u ask me. It's well written and so on, but to me it just seems to be there to have an Action-opening.

The story starts slowly and quietly. I like your characters. Though I think Spook is a bit cliché.

I liked your description of Adam, I could visualize it well.
However, when Adam started to speak I felt like watching a strange B-movie! It was quite ridiculous first... but I'm glad I continued reading.

After the slow build-up, you created a great suspense. That really caught me.

page 42: Badami wakes up a bit late, doesn't she? - Didn't she hear the alarm?

When the "army of bio-instects" appeared, I felt like reading a stephen king story.

bADAMi = haha... coincidence?

The group fought hard against those Monsters and I found it a bit disappointing that the bugs just vanish when Adam appears. And they never came back.

I also felt that the scene where the badguy explains his evil plans and starts the usual question-and-answer game was a bit cliché.

I also think it was a mistake to hunt down T H E (most fearsome) monster when the climax has already been past!!
I actually didn't care much anymore.


I like how you pictured Adam's death and his longings... but to be honest I didn't like him much... a speaking snakeman...this is really strange.


BYE
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 20
mikep
Posted: February 28th, 2008, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
North Carolina USA
Posts
238
Posts Per Day
0.04

Quoted Text

Your opening scene amounts to nothing if u ask me. It's well written and so on, but to me it just seems to be there to have an Action-opening.


Well yeah it is there to give an action opening but also is an easy way to enter into the Malcolm/baxter conversation, they can refernce it and give information that hopefully escapes just being exposition.


Quoted Text
The story starts slowly and quietly. I like your characters. Though I think Spook is a bit cliché.

Glad you liked the characters, and Spook is supposed to be a cliche - his first lines of dialogue are pretty much what you expect his cliche character to say. It might be a case of being too spot-on, but had hoped to take the stock "shocked vet" guy and have a lighter edge to him.


Quoted Text
I liked your description of Adam, I could visualize it well.
However, when Adam started to speak I felt like watching a strange B-movie! It was quite ridiculous first... but I'm glad I continued reading.

Ridicuous how exactly...his speech pattern? I'd tried making him more conversational but that didn't feel right.


Quoted Text
After the slow build-up, you created a great suspense. That really caught me.

When the "army of bio-instects" appeared, I felt like reading a stephen king story.
bADAMi = haha... coincidence?

The group fought hard against those Monsters and I found it a bit disappointing that the bugs just vanish when Adam appears. And they never came back.

I also felt that the scene where the badguy explains his evil plans and starts the usual question-and-answer game was a bit cliché.

I also think it was a mistake to hunt down T H E (most fearsome) monster when the climax has already been past!!
I actually didn't care much anymore.
I like how you pictured Adam's death and his longings... but to be honest I didn't like him much... a speaking snakeman...this is really strange.BYE


It was intention to begin slow, then let things explode in the latter half. To mention the capitalized words, yes that's something being fixed in the next revised draft. As I'd mentioned in response to someone else, at the time this was originally written, that was a bit more common, but it's something I should have taken out before but just never did.

Not sure if it's a good or bad thing when you said the "bio-insects" reminded you of SK?   Badami's name is just coincidence actually, you're the first to point it out. I stole the name from Bob Badami, a sound mixer.

Everything stops when Adam appears, as he's pretty much the leader once he frees them. It might need to be clarified that he does lead the creatures, they do respond to his call.

The Malcolm exposition scene was written that way, hoping to be a tongue in cheek nod to every scene where the bad guy explains the evil plot - it's even mentioned in the dialogue during the scene.

I understand what you're saying about the Manster being the capper and not figuring in the actual emotional climax of the script. But that's why it was kept to the sidelines during the story only to appear in the end. Adam is the story, it ends with him, but the last action set piece , is akin to the structure of the older Bond films, where the story reaches it's climax, we're ready to sail off into the sunset, but then, Oh look, another bad guy steps in for a final confrontation.

Sorry you'd pretty much checked out by that point and stopped caring. It seems your major beef was with the character of Adam himself, and of course keep in mind, the script is supposed to be a B Movie - not serious, tongue in cheek. But thanks for the read and feedback, any feedback is always appreciated,  maybe you'd find one of my other scripts more to your liking.


13 feature scripts, 2 short subjects. One sale, 4 options. Nothing filmed. Damn.

Currently rewriting another writer's SciFi script for an indie producer in L.A.
Logged Offline
Private Message YIM Reply: 13 - 20
Tod
Posted: February 28th, 2008, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
9
Posts Per Day
0.00

Quoted Text
Ridiculous how exactly...his speech pattern? I'd tried making him more conversational but that didn't feel right.


No, I didn't mean his speech pattern. I think it goes perfectly with his character!!

How shall I describe it...? There's this giant, monstrous genetic Bio-experiment...a snakeman...
Dangerous, frightening, ugly, - born to kill... and suddenly it starts to speak.
I just meant the situation itself.


Quoted Text
Not sure if it's a good or bad thing when you said the "bio-insects" reminded you of SK?


I wouldn't say it's a bad thing. I just didn't expect it.


Quoted Text
...it's even mentioned in the dialogue during the scene.

Oops. Must have overlooked that....forget it then.

--
Now that you mention it, I haven't seen that kind of B-movies on the TV for a long time now....hmmm...what's going on?


So... Thanks for responding to my post, and - Goodnight!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 20
mikep
Posted: February 29th, 2008, 8:10am Report to Moderator
New



Location
North Carolina USA
Posts
238
Posts Per Day
0.04
LOL Thanks Tod - appreciate the read! Sleep fast!


13 feature scripts, 2 short subjects. One sale, 4 options. Nothing filmed. Damn.

Currently rewriting another writer's SciFi script for an indie producer in L.A.
Logged Offline
Private Message YIM Reply: 15 - 20
Tierney
Posted: June 16th, 2008, 1:07am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
83
Posts Per Day
0.01
I come from the "club" thread with a full review.  I'm sometimes very blunt so fair warning.    

    The big, global comment is that the script is a bit unfocused and lacks any real throughline.

     What is the story?  What is supposed to draw the reader through ninety odd pages? As currently written it’s Adam because there is a beginning, middle and end to his plotline.  But around Adam there is a swarm of janitors who occupy the majority of the script’s pages who never seem to be much more than cannon fodder.  

      We start with a long five page hunt and kill sequence that features a mob of unnamed characters and an unseen creature.  The piece then becomes an eight page sequence of exposition and character intros of two sets of janitors in two different locations.  And in these lead-in pages nothing much happens. The fact that Malcolm’s nameless secretary finds him dreamy does nothing to build the story.  The dialogue of Malcolm and Baxter is two full pages of exposition that stops the action cold. Then there is page after page of the writer trying to establish the characters in the Clean-Up Crew separated from the story. As a writer you have to create and establish your characters within the story.  This isn’t a character study, it’s an action piece and you can’t just do pages that don’t contribute to the narrative to get the names in play and the basic relationships in place. Readers are going to tune out because there’s no build or obvious purpose of the scenes.

     At page fourteen, Adam and his various relationships with Badami, Hoskins and Malcolm come into play. Adam quickly becomes the most developed character in the piece because from the point he’s introduced there’s conflict and his place in the story is clear.  The script then cuts back to the Clean-Up Crew and a three and half page scene of them eating.  The scene introduces two more characters and reveals that they are eventually going to get to the chemical plant.

       Once all the characters are in the plant the real action is set to begin.  The only thing that stands between the reader and the story is a series of scenes with the guards discussing food and page long scenes of the Clean-Up Crew, well, cleaning.  Then Adam fights with Hoskins and is free.  He sets the other monsters free and the chase-and-escape section of the movie begins.

     And it all seems a little labored.  There are so many monster types and characters it feels like real work for the writer to keep them all moving.  There is no sense of jeopardy or escalation or onward progression.  

     Part of it is because the Crew means little to the reader.  Only at 22 page mark does the writer marry his janitor characters to the story about genetic experiments.  Up until then there have been two stories without any real connection and one of those stories is nothing but a bunch of people chatting.

     The other thing that slows down the narrative is the way the action is scripted. The writer is doing a series of shot lists and not action sequences.  It’s a given that action-heavy scripts use short or fragmented bursts but the fragments are an onward progression.  Bob RUNS. Tom PURSUES. Tom and Bob FIGHT for the KNIFE (and, yes, the capping of the action and the key prop is pretty much expected in an action script).  What the writer has a tendency to do is intercut.  He sets something up and then there’s another beat and then he cuts back to the initial beat and there’s a slight progression or more description and then he cuts to something else.  It makes the pages difficult to time and slow to read.  The scene at the top of page 63 for example is half a page and is written as a series of seven shots but how much screentime would it take for Trish to run from the dog and slam the door on it?

       Monsters attack, Spook and Ricky die and the surviving cleaners along with Baxter find their way to Adam and Badami.  Two pages later Malcolm shows up with a monologue after a sixty page absence.  If you can lose a character for sixty pages maybe you don’t need him?  What purpose does he serve that Badami and Baxter couldn’t?  

     Malcolm and Adam have a confrontation and they both die.  Then what seems to be the central story ends but the movie doesn’t.  The Crew escapes, spots the super monster and kills it pretty easily in four pages (less than the page count devoted to the opening sequence in the script). Then the movie ends.

     The big challenge here for the writer is that he has to come up with a way to make the script work as a whole.  There’s a Sci-Fi Channel genetic-experiment-monster-movie trying to occupy space with a comedy-action movie.  Based on the title of the script the action-comedy is meant to be the central thread.  A possible route - we start with the hunt scene, Malcolm references having to send a unit to clean up the mess, cut to the janitors in the parking lot at the plant unloading their buckets and mops complaining about life at the 5-10 page mark.  They are there as a group from the beginning.  One of them (Spook because he has walking, talking proof of all his crazy theories or Chan because he’s just wired that way) is involved in helping Adam escape. They are trying to get out, Malcolm sends the other monsters after them and the chase is on.  There are many other ways to merge the two threads of the story but they really need to be brought together quickly and cleanly.

   And just an FYI, and I’m sure it wasn’t intentional, but a large percentage of Asian-Americans considers “Oriental” to be a racial slur.  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 20
mikep
Posted: June 17th, 2008, 7:04am Report to Moderator
New



Location
North Carolina USA
Posts
238
Posts Per Day
0.04
Hi Tierney, thanks for the read. Yes you're blunt but also I see you being constructive, which is good. Constructive critiques are always good, someone just saying "this sucks" shows they have little to offer.

I agree with some of your points, you say some things that make a lot of sense now, looking back. I had long felt that YES - I had dangerously spaced out action in the first act, but felt with the introduction of mysteries ( Adam /creatures/his escape) that there was enough to keep the story moving, But maybe not.  It was a purposeful move to keep the Clean Up Crew to the side in the beginning, introducing them as the story progressed with Adam, until there was chaos and they all met.

Aside from a major reconstruction of the beginning, you point on Malcolm is good es I do need to resolve his disappearing for a big chunk of time. I think he can be combined with someone else, Badami or Baxter.

The bulleted style of action writing - still on the fence there. I've used that for a long time and long felt it added momentum to the action but also you're very clear when you say it's a series of shots; and SLOWING down or being hard to read is something I don't want. In more recent stuff I've dropped using it continuously, and am rethinking it even more now. And why hasn't anyone mentioned I stole that from William Goldman? He gets away with a lot in his scripts because he IS William Goldman, but that particular technique always appealed to me. If people aren't reading Goldman's stuff, shame on you, you need to - now.

I like the idea of Spook helping Adam escape, being proof of his crazy theories. Like that a lot.

So yes, your input is appreciated. Overall it's a script I'd liked a lot but felt it needed reworking - I'm not one who thinks his work is untouchable. Since this was sacrificed as the first "club" thread, I intend on taking everyone's feedback and doing a rewrite , likely at the end of the summer. I hope I can count on a fresh read once it's completed.


13 feature scripts, 2 short subjects. One sale, 4 options. Nothing filmed. Damn.

Currently rewriting another writer's SciFi script for an indie producer in L.A.
Logged Offline
Private Message YIM Reply: 17 - 20
George Willson
Posted: June 24th, 2008, 11:14am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
3591
Posts Per Day
0.51
The way I see this is a "survival" flick like the Alien or Jurassic Park films. A bunch of people are tossed into a dangerous situation and trapped, so the goal of the story is to get out. While attempting to escape, they are faced with a variety of dangerous creatures, but all the while we know about the worst of the bunch they must face at the end.

Look at Jurassic Park. Big intro. Fantastic situation and creatures. You can FEEL the danger but it's all for show. Then everything goes wrong, and our characters are trapped all over this island. How will they get out? Is their goal to beat the creatures? Nope. Their goal is to get out in one piece. The dinosaurs in Jurassic Park weren't defeated. The Aliens weren't defeated...entirely. Our people survived the encounter; that's it.

So here, the danger must be firmly established. The mystery of the manster is ok, but we need more of it to really feel how dangerous this thing is. We also have to encounter it before the ending. Their final battle before their escape HAS to be with this creature. You have the freaky rottweiler and cockroaches, but what if these final encouters were with the manster instead? You don't have to show him in full yet. But parts of him would be cool.

But then, if this is a survival flick, let's deal with the issue of Malcolm and Adam. Adam is the intelligent one who can somehow control all the others. Ok. Malcolm is the evil genius. Ok. But do we need the megalomaniac bit where the plan to take over the world is explained? Yeah, it's joked about, but it still happens. The trouble here is that we're barely acquainted with Adam or Malcolm, so their relationship and how it turns with Badami and Baxter is all very nice, but it seems to only exist to explain what all this is and then you have to do something with them, so you kill them off. Hm. Could there be a way to incorporate their demise into the greater drama of the escape? After all, it isn't important to tell our Clean Up Crew why things are going on. They don't use that information for anything.

Another thought to consider is whether that whole bit is really suited to the story, or if it's really too much considering how much else is going on.

Let's talk about the bugs. Within the fabric of the escape, the bugs are biomechanical creatures who devour people. Swell. In the megalomanical explanation, they carry disease. Nice idea, but stick to the story. Bugs that attack in a large enough number to eat people. Wow. Oh but wait again. Where'd all this come from? What does it have to do with the rest of the tale? Early exposition indicates cross-breeding, and Adam exemplifies that. Spook has even heard of it. Biomechanical critters is completely out of left field. Then we come back to Malcolm's plan at the end, which mostly fits the original intent. You need to stick to one idea or introduce all of the evil experiments so they don't feel so cheap. One biomechanical cockroach is enough to show us the goings-on so the giant spider can show us how far they've taken it.

In addition, biomechanial anything doesn't come up until page 63. This means we've been watching this flick for an hour, and now you give us something new, especially when the monster type has been established. You add in an army of cockroaches after that, which cannot be held in traditional cells as you've presented them.

The story itself isn't that bad. It would make for an entertaining film. It would make the top film lists, but it's also not meant to. For a fast action survival film, this would deliver pretty well, but you just need to keep it moving and relevant to what's going on, especially at the end. The truck chase as it is is a cheap tag that makes me think you forgot about your big monster and to make everyone a hero. It's too late for that. They need to face him inside the facility, and he be all that prevents them from escaping. Maybe Malcolm can be torn apart by him. Might make a nice ending for him. Adam could try to control the manster, but oh wait, he resists, and Adam can't control him any longer. Sacrifice the snake man for the good of the rest, but it takes everyone and their specific skills established to that point to defeat the bad guy. Or something, right? Just some thoughts.

Like I said, it works fairly well. There are a few things that I think need work, but hey, that's my opinion, and you do with it what you will.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 18 - 20
mikep
Posted: June 24th, 2008, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
North Carolina USA
Posts
238
Posts Per Day
0.04
Quick note - when I have a bit more time will do a full reply...the coda action scene with the Manster was modeled on those few Bond flicks when a villian ( a hencman usually) comes back AFTER the main plot has wrapped up for one last short action bit. That's it. That was my idea with the manster and the ending...a little nod to those Bond flicks. But it just looks like it didn't work as is...

Thanks for the read George I liked your feedback very much and will reply soon.


13 feature scripts, 2 short subjects. One sale, 4 options. Nothing filmed. Damn.

Currently rewriting another writer's SciFi script for an indie producer in L.A.
Logged Offline
Private Message YIM Reply: 19 - 20
George Willson
Posted: June 24th, 2008, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
3591
Posts Per Day
0.51
When a henchman does show up on the rare occasion after the defeat of the main villain, it's usually a quick kill or "subdue-ance" for Bond. I don't off hand recall one that had an all out action sequence beyond a short fistfight, and most of the time, if anyone comes back for one final shot, it's the villain.

I can't think of too many out of the 21 that bring back the henchman, and I don't think any of those give him/her a big action sequence.

Oh, and you're very welcome.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 20 - 20
 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Horror Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006