Stewart,

Finished the most recent draft this morning.
I didn't run across any significant format issues here.

All in all, I thought this was decent, but missed some opportunities for fun.
There are several disconnects here with your B story that could bolster the script.
I kept thinking you were going to tie Danny's death back to the plot somehow.
Instead, we got a random death due to drug dealer connections.
Jake had nothing to do with it, he was a patsy. Buddy is a black hat villain.
I don't understand at all how Buddy was able to pin this on Jake all this time.
Wade disintegrates into delusion and wants to kill an innocent for his brother's death.
Buddy lied to his brother all this time about Danny's death.
Not exactly the Critters/Tremors B story kind of fun promised in your signature.
Buddy is a colossal idiot and pays $2 million for merchandise he doesn't check. Wow.
He planned this deal for years and didn't bother to check the goods.
Two townsfolk run off with Ramirez's cash for themselves. Ok.

Indulge me with an example of what I mean by tying your B story into the main...

Let's take the jailhouse stand off, which is a nice set up for some character sparks.
Jake confesses to Wade after all this time that he is innocent.
Danny was driving drunk, he'd been on drugs, due to academic pressure.
He was going to be the first Boyle to go to college, etc.
Crash! Danny panics, he's injured badly. He turns to Jake in the wrecked car.
He begs his best friend to cover for him, so his family won't be ashamed of him.
Jake agrees to switch places and take the drunk driving rap.
They switch. Danny dies. Cops arrive. Jake keeps his word to his dead best friend.
He doesn't want Danny's memory to be sullied.
Jake is no longer a patsy schmuck ex-con. This makes Jake an unsung hero.
Jake apologizes to Wade. The lost puppy sheriff's world of angst is shattered.
Buddy arrives and where you go from there is up to you.
But does this make sense? Do you see how I'm threading it back into the plot?
Now, you have an opportunity to band together your conflicted characters.
Is Buddy still a selfish jerk? Will Wade talk sense into him?
Will Buddy's change of heart cause him to use the weapons to save the town?
Buddy looks at the plaque for his brother's scholarship, emotional conflict.
To me, something like that, ties everything together and sets up a climax.
The weapons get to the school somehow and it's old ladies with RPGs.
An all out battle royale between the town and the Parasites.
And no BS WWII weapons, go all out, modern high tech blast-o-rama!
And give the damn town the $2 million to end the economic slump.

Maybe it's just me, but I want to read that script.
What do I know? I don't have a resume. But those are my thoughts.

Hope this help. Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Hello Stewart,

I reread the first third of the older draft this morning.
As before, I feel this is a much more breezier read than the new draft.

The parasites have more of that nuisance quality that develops into a real threat.
I like how rural folk regard them as random vermin at first sight.
I prefer that to the tube shaped head thingy.
Which is why I think Joe's death works well in this draft.
He doesn't think much of it and takes a shot at the thing.
He should spit some chew on the ground after he blows it away. Heh.
And Agatha needs a line in bed about how she hates guns in the house.
Then Joe pleads with her to be careful as she aims and BLAM-O!

It's not for everyone, but I tend to lean towards the comic when I can.
Some folks like their horror straight up and neat.
I prefer the "colorful umbrellas" and malevolent sense of humor.
Especially in this kind of story, the more homespun humor, the better IMO.

Also, in this draft, Buddy comes off like a corrupt Sheriff.
In the latest incarnation, he seems like a thug in an Escalade.
I like the sheriff/deputy dynamic between him and his brother here better.
Crushing the walnuts, sitting back and planning and waiting, it works for me.
It feels much more appropriate than all the psuedo gangster stuff.
And the lack of Mayor junk keeps the focus on Jake, where it belongs.

I've said before this script needs to differentiate itself from Critters and Tremors.
However, one thing it does need to fall in line with those titles, is page count.
Tremors is 96 minutes and Critters is a scant 82 minutes.
That's including five to seven minutes for cast and crew credits.
So those two scripts were roughly ninety and seventy-six pages each.
You're at 114 pages here, with credits, this would be a two hour movie.
That running time just won't wash with producers. Period. Ever.

One thing you can do to trim your pages is kill all the orphans.
Take a look here at a section of page 7:

Sara waves goodbye, leaving Frank to catch up with his
program.
INT. ROOSTERS COUNTRY BAR - NIGHT
Country MUSIC fills the place as townsfolk dance on the
floor.
At the bar, COWBOYS line up shots as COWGIRLS shoot them
back.

Shorten each of these three descriptions by one measly word, you save three lines.
For me, orphan culling has been a great tool to help control my page count.

You may want review the script for those, it's a veritable orphanage in here.

Hope this helps.
I'll continue into the next third as work allows.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey ED,

Thanks again for the re-read (of a prior draft). I'm taking your notes away. I think there is an opportunity to splice both drafts into something workable.

I see where you are coming from (in regards to the humorous horror), as that was the tone of the first few drafts before we made it a bit more dark.

Thanks again!

Stew

Hello Stewart,

I read pages 38 - 78 of the older draft this morning.
The page formatting holds up just fine.
However, I think this is where you can make a lot of time cuts I mentioned before.
The graveyard scene plays out a bit coincidental that Sara shows up.
I like the janitor death as a lead in to a nest in the high school.
A lot of the early humor I enjoyed has been muted in the middle.
Poor Doc and Frank don't get decent deaths, suiting helpful characters.

I prefer the anniversary party in the newest draft to the random Fall Fair.
It's a nice way to tie into everybody working together in the end to save the town.

However, I really think that Frank is a wasted opportunity here.
I'm always looking for the human element, even in genre stories.
The radio station is a great conduit for warning the town.
Jake and Sara stay in touch with Frank via walke-talkie and he talks to the town.
I can see Frank and Sara meeting as Parasites invade the station.
Frank pushes Sara out and closes the door, she bangs on it.
"I've been here all my life, Sara, where am I gonna go?
Take care of Tom, make sure he goes to Stanford."
Frank sacrifices himself to stay behind and hold out in the broadcast booth.
He helps move and saves hundreds of folks, at the cost of his own life.
Beats like that can really bring genre scripts to life for me.
Maybe it's just me, but moments like that pull me into a story.

Hope this helps. I should wrap up this read tomorrow.

Regards,
E.D.

There's some parts I like from both scripts, so I think the challenge will be to merge both of them and keep the tone the same. Tying the main plot and the subplots together will be the trick, while keeping the humour the same.

You mentioned the 2nd act loses some of that humour, hopefully merging will bring some pace and humour back.

Let me know what you think of the 3rd Act. From what I remember, the older draft was a bit more chaotic.

Thanks again for the reads. Appreciate it.

Hello Stew,

Digging into the final third this morning.
Right off the bat, a good beat, the haunted house with the kids.
I LOVE the moment where they think the Parasites are part of the attraction.
Dig the house of mirrors too, taking classic visuals and Parasiting them up. Nice.
Wow, real dark patch in the mid 90's here...
Wade ignores his brother's pleas and Tom goes a bit insane.
Those few pages don't quite jibe with the tone you've set too well for me.
I like the jail escape, though I feel the first half of the third act is a bit pokey.
I want a sense of urgency, separate groups racing towards mutual goals, etc.
This is where I think good old Frank can come in handy to rally the town.
On page 106, I think you lost the Becky trapped in a locker beat.
I like that from the later draft, good use of environment.
I dig Travis being made sheriff, at Jake's suggestion.
There should be a beat in there of Travis happy, but disappointed.
Then Jake, being a true hero, gives credit where it's due.

There's a lot of good in this draft, and solid sequences in the latest.
Plenty of material to meld and refine for a new draft.

I hope this helps. Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Just looked through this.

Now it's pretty decent for a genre piece, of course it's nothing we haven't seen before from films like Slither and 8 legged freaks, but for what it was I enjoyed it and there was the added danger of the crazed Sheriff being after Jake, which I thought was good and fitted in well.

Represents nothing new to the genre however, but I don't think you were trying for that.

Only disappointment, so to speak, was the ending - so so predictable that very last scene but all in all a decent piece of work.

Hey Goose,

Thanks for the read. You're right - this one doesn't really add anything new to the genre - but it was fun to write!

I'm glad you picked up on Slither and 8 Legged Freaks - as those two movies were what inspired Hope Falls.

Thanks for the comment on the ending, this has always been a bone of contention for us.

I will be looking at doing a re-write of this feature later this year and will be addressing this.

Again, thanks for the read.

Stew

Hey Stew,

I am a big fan of films like 8 Legged Freaks so this script will be right up my alley. Just wondered if you wanted any feedback as I see this as originally posted in 2008? I'll definitely give it read though.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Hey Steve,

I'd love and appreciate any feedback on the script. Whilst I am not actively working on it, I do expect to rewrite it in the future and I have collected the invaluable feedback from S.S.

Cheers,
Stew

Hey Stew,

No worries mate. I will get around to it in the next week and leave you some feedback, hopefully it will be of some help to you when it comes to the rewrite.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Hey Stew,

I have read the first 40 pages of Hope Falls today. The first thing I noticed before reading was the page count, 114 seems very long for this genre.

We start off with an intro for our main protagonist Jake, who for me is almost invisible in the first 15 pages. I think I feel like this because we don’t get to see Jake again until page 10, we’re 10 minutes into this and we still don’t know anything about Jake who I’m guessing is the main protagonist? I feel like he needs to be more involved earlier or at least have more to do in the first 10 pages.

Though Jake hasn’t shined for me yet, I think you have done a decent job of introducing a lot of characters in the space of 10 pages. There are some real quirky characters and all feel to have their own individual voice. Wade has to be my favourite so far, all I can picture is the sheriff from the James Bond film “Live and Let Die”.

The aliens? I’m guessing these parasites use the human body like a womb before breaking out and growing? A bit like the “Xenomorph’s”” from the Alien franchise. I did enjoy the alien attacks, very visual and pleasing but again, I felt they should be coming earlier on in the plot. Rusty should have killed by page 3 or 4 IMO.

We have an interesting side story involving Buddy and Wade which is bubbling along nicely and I for one am looking forward to see where this is going?

It’s good so far but I would shorten these opening 40 pages and throw us into the action earlier, also get Jake involved more from the beginning.

The writing was very good and I have no real complaints about the formatting, think you’ve done a good job on most parts. I took some notes as I read:

No fade in: Not a big deal but thought I would mention it anyway.

Page 1: “SARA THORNTON (36), is a beautiful and confident brunette” I would get rid of “is”. “SARA THORNTON (36), beautiful, confident brunette”

Page 2: “stack of advertising” Should it be advertisements?

What’s CFUN?

Page 3: No comma before or after Tom’s age. Another thing would be to just have the Iroc-Z pull over and intro Tom when Becky looks into the car. Better visually I think?

You use “and” when you could just a comma instead in some sentences. Worth keeping an eye on, cuts down on space and pages.

Page 6: “He carries himself around in style and shows a lot of money” This reads wrong visually IMO. We will see and hear he’s financially well off later, also the car shows his style.

Page 7: A missing apostrophe in Buddy’s dialogue. Reads “were in the big time” Think you mean “we’re”

Page 8: I would capitalise the name Danny Boyle.

Page 10: “For a total of 30, then?” Change to “thirty”. The mayor said “fifteen” before, not 15.

I’m going to be picky, in the very first slug it read
“EXT. HIGHWAY – SHOULDER – DAY” on this page it read
“EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT” Why take out shoulder? Only because you then described Jake walking on the shoulder? Just curious.

Page 13: A SONG on the radio announces Rusty’s pick-up truck before it pulls into the driveway.
I didn’t understand this line? The radio announces Rusty’s pick-up truck?

Page 14: Why change slugs here? It’s all the same scene, could just have “MOMENTS LATER” instead.

Page 21: Don’t know that much about P.O.V’s but if we’re watching Buddy through the creature’s P.O.V, shouldn’t it just be “Watches Buddy from the ruins of the barn” take out the “something large” We can’t see its size from its own perspective?

Page 24: love the mullets.

Page 25:         WADE
         And you all are having dinner,
         sitting right next to him
Reads awkward IMO. “And you’re all having dinner, sitting right next him” reads better?

Page 29:       JAKE
        Let’s see if they got the power
        going.
Missing question mark but also, didn’t Jake get the power going earlier; he made a coffee in the coffee machine if I’m not mistaken?

Looking forward reading more, I’ll read the rest over the weekend, time allowing.

Have a good weekend Stew.

Steve.

Nice!

These are good little notes - things like these formatting notes are very helpful, especially since I've read the darn thing so many times my eyes miss things.

I do understand the concern about the slow start - and Jake not being the center of the action early. I think we are working on that for the next draft.

No Fade In:? How did we miss that! haha.

Thanks again,
Stew

Hey Stew,

Read pages 40 through 70 today.

Okay, so the action has now picked up and we are beginning to see more of the parasites. I think adding Doc Gordon has been a good move, he gave us some exposition about the parasites habitats but I did feel he died too early? Maybe he’s not actually dead? I will wait and see. Jake still feels weak as the protagonist, I mean, apart from one interaction with Scarface, he still hasn’t done a lot IMO.

In one scene at Sara’s house, he just stood back while Sara and Becky pulled Tom from the house. I think Jake should be stronger than he is at the moment.

Other complaints would be the Buddy side plot, I enjoyed this originally but now it feels to be taking for ever to come to a resolution. I’m 70 pages in and I still have no idea what it’s about.

On the positive note, there’s been more action in this middle section setting up an exciting finale but again, it all feels too long in coming.

The writing again was good but I have seen a lot of problems with the slugs and scene changes which I’ve described in the notes:

Page 47: When Jake jumps in the truck, this needs to be a change of slug IMO.

INT. JAKE’S TRUCK – SPEEDING – DAY

Jake races across town.

I would personally get rid of this and go straight to Main Street, It doesn’t add anything and takes up unnecessary space.

Page 49: I would capitalise “smashes” when Sara is attacked. “A parasite’s tail SMASHES through the back window”

Page 50: “Headlights pass through the window and Doc Gordon goes to the door.” This reads awkward but also it’s supposed to be day so why have headlights on?
Would you see the lights during the day?

Page 51: Daryl parks his car but never leaves from what I read so either it needs a new slug or you need to establish him leaving the car. For this reason, the whole scene felt confusing.

Page 53: “$15,000” in Mayor Walker dialogue. Think it should be “Fifteen thousand dollars”

“100th” should be “hundredth” These are just my personal opinions BTW. I’m saying they are correct or not.

Page 54: I have to say that it took Wade a hell of a long time to get from the farm to Main Street?

Page 55: “Sara’s neck is stiff when she tries to move.” That’s telling not showing. Have Sara explain her neck is stiff in dialogue.

Page 59: Sara is now running? She has been sedated and was drowsy before?

“Suddenly fall silent” should be “falls”

“Smoking a joint” change to “smoke a joint”

Page 61: “Jake and Sara sit in the truck as they race to Sara’s house”. I would reword this; we know they are sitting in the truck from the slug, their driving so what else would they be doing? I would say something like “Sara looks over to Jake nervous” This is also telling us and not showing IMO.

Page 62: There have been a few problems with the slugs IMO. We had “INT. BECKY’S ROOM – NIGHT” and then “INT. SARA’S HOUSE – NIGHT” That’s not consistent, I would have:
INT. SARA’S HOUSE – BECKY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT”
INT. SARA’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT”
Just a thought.

Page 63:        TOM
            (to himself)
             Holy shit.
Take out the wrylie “to himself”, we know he’s talking to himself.

Page 67,68: “INT. POLICE CRUISER – PARKED – NIGHT”
“Wade slaps on a set of handcuffs and throws Jake in the back
of the car.” We was already in the car according to the slug, I’d look at the slug layout in this scene? It felt all wrong.

Will try to finish this tomorrow.

Have a good one.

Steve

Hey Stew,

Finished up on Hope Falls today.

The final segment paces up and I think you have done a good job with all the action going at one time. There were a few questions raised though, I liked the side plot with Buddy originally but in the end it just feels like an excuse to give weapons to the townsfolk.

I also didn’t enjoy the Harvey and Pearl side plot, felt this was a bit superfluous and could easily be cut. It ended well and all the main villains got what was coming to them, I would cut some of Becky’s friend’s scenes down.

I think you need to look over some of the slugs again; some read awkward while at other times it feels like a slug is missing to change the scene.

I have already mentioned my main gripes in previous posts which is the pacing and the main protagonist. Here are the notes I took during the read:

Page 70: You mention all the friends’ names twice, I don’t feel you need to mention them twice and by removing it, will save you lots of space.

Page 71: “Then busts into laughter” Think you mean bursts?

Page 73: Another problem with the slug here, Wade pulls a bottle of whiskey from his drawer so shouldn’t he in his own office rather than the front office?

Page 79: “A familiar old rusty pickup sits at the foot of the bank.” Familiar to who? There have been a few pick-up trucks in 80 pages so far.

Page 82: “You’ve been telling me that you’re not a baby anymore, and you’re right. You’re not.” Sara just called her a baby to Travis one second before this?

Page 100: I didn’t know Marly had a daughter? Did I miss that earlier, if it’s her first introduction, she needs to be capitalised.

Page 107: Bullets deflect of scarface but knifes don’t, need to consistent here.

Page 109: “It’s Jake, using Becky as a crutch.” That sounds painful for Becky. I would reword this.

Page 111: “Shuttup Travis.” Think you mean shut up.

I really enjoyed this and think you have written a good tale.

Hope I was able to be of some help when you come to rewrite with it.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve.