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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Buddy List Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 29th, 2008, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Buddy List by Derek Pigsley - Horror, Teen Slasher - For four weeks, a teenage girl has been chatting with an older guy online. He seems nice, and her friends seem to be OK with him as well. But soon she finds that he is not who she thought he was when he follows her to her friend's father's lake house and begins to narrow down the competition, desperate to become her one and only 'best friend'. 90 pages - pdf, format


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BlackChristmas
Posted: May 10th, 2008, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for putting this up, Don. I just wanted to say a few things to those of you who may choose to read this. First of all, this was sort of a 'practice' script. While I do intend to make another, maybe even a few more drafts of the script, it was primarily intended as  practice. It's also an homage to 80's horror (hence the 'people getting killed off in a remote location' theme), but with a modern twist. I'm not sure if my paying homage was noticeable enough for it to count as an homage but I tried to my darndest to make it seem like an homage rather than a rip-off.

Also, I've noticed a few typos that I missed during my first few proof-reads, and I intend to fix those eventually (I'm feeling a little lazy lately). I hope you guys enjoy the script as I worked hard on it.
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BlackChristmas
Posted: May 11th, 2008, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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Awesome. I'll give one a read by the end of the week.
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 17th, 2008, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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Hey there, I read your script last night and have lots to say.

First of all, your writing is pretty good.  I didn't notice too many mistakes in terms of spelling and grammar, but the deeper I got into it, a few things seemed to pop up more frequently.  Sentence structure and formatting was solid throughout.

SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS

First up, I think your tagline is awful.  It pretty much spoils any and all surprises that you obviously tried to create in your script.  It also tells information that is not given anywhere inside the actual script.  You say that Sarah has been "talking" with Jeff for 4 weeks and her friends are cool with it.  Nowhere in the script that I can remember is this brought up at all.  I would junk it and say something else that is much more ambiguous, so there's a surprise when Jeff is revealed as the killer.

Your dialouge for the most part is pretty good, but I think there's just too much of it and it doesn't really go anywhere.  The action is also rather dull and uneventful for the most part until things get going.  I didn't buy the relationships either between just about anyone.  Assuming these kids are all 17 and have been in school together for at least the current year, if not longer, why is it that so many of them don't know each other at all...not even their names?  It doesn't make sense.  I also don't buy that "the popular kids" would have any interest whatsoever in going on a 2 night outing with kids they don't know, don't hang out with, and don't have any interest in.  There was nothing going on at the lake house that would warrant such a long drive.

I also don't buy the proximity of the setting of the lake house...it's just too far away (unless I misunderstood how long the drive was).  Sarah said that she hadn't been there since she was a little kid...why not?  Why do her parents even own it? Who is using it?  Why would such a huge, beautiful place be so far away, out in the middle of nowhere?  Who's in charge of the upkeep?  I mean it sounds like it's as big as a hotel, and also has a pool, hot tub, and aviary...these things need regular maintenance and it just doesn't make sense to me.  Why would Sarah and her friends, or family not utilize this beautiful place?

I'd recommend making the lake house much closer, and much smaller.  I'd also recommend that Sarah should be familiar with it, and use it on a regular basis, that way she would have a reason to throw this spur of the moment party since her parents were going away for the weekend.  I'd also recommend that you talk about things that are there that kids would flock to...like a stocked bar, food, a nice swimming lake (you described it like it was filthy, and not attractive), etc.  What about the fact that there was an indoor pool and hot tub?  Why wasn't that discussed as a huge plus and something they could enjoy?  I mean I think you need a reason for these kids wanting to be there.

The way you brought up the IM'ing with flashbacks and the like was interesting, but didn't quite work for me.  I like what you were attempting, but I think you need to put some more thought into the way you presented it and flesh it out a bit more.  It was confusing, and without the tagline that pretty much told everyone what exactly had been going on, I don't think people would be able to follow or understand it.

On page 42, when you introduced the killer, you have some sentences that don't make sense.  You used the words "they" and "their", when you should have used "he" and "his".  I think there were a few other examples of this later on as well.

And here's one of the big problems, by introducing your antagonist as "killer", and not showing his face, you were obviously trying to create some mystery about who the killer is.  But based on your tagline, it is completley obvious that it's Jeff.  Now how Jeff knew they were going to this lake house is a true mystery. How he followed them for some 8 hours or however long the trip was, without them having a clue, is also a mystery.  And finally, why Jeff decides to do any of the things he does, is the greatest mystery.  He doesn't seem to have any motivation at all for this killing spree, and it comes off as a big letdown.  I mean we know absolutely nothing about him.

Your finale didn't quite work either for me, although it was pretty well written and made for an easy read.  I didn't like the scene with the guy being pulled off the tree with the nails in him.  Very unbelievable, especially the fact that the last nail taken out is through his throat..what kind of super nails are these?  And how can a kid just pull them out like that?

By killing off your main character but letting other minor characters survive, as well as Jeff the killer, you left a very stale taste in my mouth.  Although there was alot of action going on in the climax, I didn't really buy much of it.  Sarah could have easily escaped with the others in the canoes, yet she chose to stay and die.  Or the 3 of them together could have made a stand and had a much better chance of survival, and you would have limitless opportunities for much more suspense and terror.

Finally, how and why did all these cops suddenly show up?  How could they have known that anything was even wrong?  As I read along near the end, I was waiting for something to happen that would be a twist ending...like Jeff showing up as 1 of the cops or something.  It just ended though, and I didn't appreciate the way you decided not to do anything interesting with it.

OK, so those are my thoughts, and I want to stress that they are merely my thoughts and my opinions.  I hope you can see this as constructive criticism.  I can tell that you can definitely write, so maybe based on that, I'm being a bit picky or even harsh.  I don't mean to be, and I really think that you can "fix" these flaws and turn this into a stronger work.

Hope this helps.  Best to ya!
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BlackChristmas
Posted: May 18th, 2008, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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I understand all of your criticism, and I really do appreciate it. I've got a few things to say though.

*SPOILERS*

First off, I did have a twist ending planned. It worked really well in my mind, but once I started to write it out on 'paper', it just didn't seem to work out the way I had planned, so I scrapped the idea and went for a more generic, obvious ending. The point of the main character getting killed off was to make this pretty obvious ending seem a little less obvious. As we've seen before in these types of films, like 'Prom Night' (the 2008 version) or even Halloween (I don't want to compare it to Halloween, but you get the idea...) the most obvious heroine usually lives, so I was trying to change it up.

However, in later drafts of the script, perhaps I will flesh out the characters of Megan and Chloe to warrant them surviving a little more.

Darn, I thought the whole IM-thing would work better than it apparently did. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could, maybe, make the IMing come across as a little clearer?

I don't really have much else to say. I'm glad you read it, and I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. I'll take a lot of your criticism into mind when I sit down to write the next draft of the script -- and hopefully that one will turn out much better.
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 18th, 2008, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
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If I were you, I wouldn't use any of the recent horror remakes as a template for a script.  They are pathetic, watered down pieces of garbage.  How they do so well at the box office, or how or why someone greenlights them is insane.  OK, sorry for my rant there.

First of all, I'd say that your best bet for this is to change your characters so that they're all friends.  That would make things much more believable and also make for more realistic dialogue and situations.

Second, make the lake house much closer, smaller, and even nicer, and have it be a known fact that this place rocks, so that Sarah and her friends jump at the chance to go, when her parents skip town.

Third, I think you need to introduce Jeff in some other way than just through the flashback IM'ing.  He needs to have some sort of personality and character traits that we either like or dislike...we need to have some sort of feelings about him.  As for the actual IM'ing scenes, I personally don't think they work as flashbacks.  I'd actually put them in in real time...as in we see Sarah IM'ing him and vice versa before they leave for the lake house...maybe even while they're there.  He has to find out about this trip somehow, and it's most likely going to happen through an IM, assuming that's the only way they're communicating.  I'd also say something regarding how long this has been going on in an IM conversation, so we have a clue as to what this relationship really is.  Maybe have 1 of her friends comment on how creepy it is also...you know?  Kind of warning, forshadowing, etc.

And finally, you definnitely need to alter the ending.  It just dosn't work the way it is.  Way too boring and generic.  You need some sort of cool twist that we don't see coming.  If Jeff truly walks away from all this unscathed, there has to be a final scene with a twist of some kind.  You could also kill him off and then have a last scene with a new character (another young girl) IM'ing another stranger...you know?  Something that leaves us with something.

Also, find a way to have the cops show up or don't show them at all.

You seem to be a good writer.  I honestly think you can make this so much better.  I'd be happy to read any rewrites you do.  Take care.
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BlackChristmas
Posted: May 18th, 2008, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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Again, I appreciate your feedback. I do intend to take it all into serious consideration, in an attempt to make this a better, more interesting read.

Thanks a lot!
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The boy who could fly
Posted: May 21st, 2008, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Derek, just got through reading your script and it was pretty decent for a hack'n'slash.  One thing I think you need to change though is the title.  "Buddy list" sounds kinda lame, no offence, I thought of the bucket list and buddy buddy when i first saw the title, I think that you can come up with something a little bit better.

******SPOILERS********

I liked how you started off the script with the IM'ing, and I liked how it kinda went back and forth through out the script, so it was a good way to start off.

I think that some of these kids are not really likeable, in fact other than Sara and Trevor they are pretty much assholes, I think it's okay for one or two of them to be, but these don't seem like the kind of people I would wanna hang around with(probably the same thing some people think about me..haha), like if Mark was the only jerk of the group I think that's fine, but not all of them.

I was able to spot out who the first kill was going to be by their introduction.  Once we meet him I was like "he's the first to go"  they annoying emo is always the first, but also for good reason...lol.

I did like Trevor though, he seemed to actually to have something more to him than the dumb jock thing.  Megan was a total bitch and i was sad she didn't get her comeuppin's, but I did like that sara gets killed, i thought that was smart of you cause you always think the lead is going to make it through.

Alo why hasn't sara been to the lakehouse since she was little, it seems like a place you would go to every summer from the sounds of it.

Now onto Jeff. I think he was not that interesting of a villan, I actually think it would have been cooler if it was one of the kids like Jason, or even Trevor, then there would ber a surprise, but with Jeff we know from the get go who he is and what he is up to, also your logline doesn't help us anyway.  Like the trailer for castaway it gives the whole plot away and eliminates most of the surprises.  I think you should change that.

So as a whole I think it works for what it is, I think making the kids more likeable would create some sympathy for them and make us want them to survive, and kudo's again for killing off sara, that made it work better for me.


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BlackChristmas
Posted: May 22nd, 2008, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading the script. I'm glad you liked(?) it. I see that you really understood what I was trying to do by killing Sarah -- it's usually so obvious who survives in these movies. Also, I tried to make it seem like Megan was a bitch at the beginning, then have her character be sort of more and more fleshed out as time went on... and make her seem pretty nice. I guess that needs more work?

Also, I wasn't really trying to make it secretive who the villain was. That seemed a little too 'Scream' for me. In a way, I prefer movies and scripts where the villain is known, because if this were a real situation there is often not so much of a surprise (well aside from that fact that you're SURPRISED that everyone is getting offed), unless you don't know the person.

I'll try and rework some of the characters in the second draft (when I get to it). I'm glad you took the time to read the script and I see that most of your problems lie with the characters.

Again, thanks for reading. I really appreciate it.
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