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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Friday the 13th: The Beginning Moderators: bert
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  Author    Friday the 13th: The Beginning  (currently 5245 views)
The boy who could fly
Posted: June 26th, 2008, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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yes, that is what I was intending, kinda split it in two halves.


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George Willson
Posted: June 27th, 2008, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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I see that I may have gone back and forth between two thoughts during my review when comes to what to do with it. I had two main trains of thought, but what they had in common was to keep the script fully encapsulated and not remake the original within the opening story. That was why I mentioned Pamela living because she has to survive this time period to do what she did in the original film.

After some thought, you could have enough material in just the story of Jason dying at camp to create a full length screenplay. Consider Jason's story to be one of growth and overcoming obstacles to the point that finally takes the plunge into the lake himself. Your initial drowning scene could be one where he is actually saved in the nick of time, everyone gets a good scare, and we wonder what you're up to. We know he drowns, and we would believe that Howard doesn't make it there in time, but note that he is within range of the lake, and he hears the scream, and he comes running. After he goes under the last time, we think it's all over, but poof, he comes through and up pops Jason with a new resolve to learn to swim so he won't drown. He also resolves to learn to protect himself from the bullies, maybe even earn their respect. Right now, he's a whiny child, and while his story is sad, we'll still only be like "that sucks" and move on. We know he's going to die, and we're waiting for it to happen, so when it does, it doesn't really hurt that much.

But if he gets to the point of overcoming, he grows as a person, and in the final moments of the story, he has happiness, contentment, and hope for a brighter future (and loves camp), then the sudden tragic death will hit that much harder. Whatif he learns to swim during the course of the camp, earns the trust and confidence of the counselors to the point that Malcolm sneaks off again with the assurance that "don't worry about them, Jason's right there." The bullies could strike one more time with a joke of "oh help me, I'm drowning," and then laugh when Jason swims out there. No one finds it to be a big deal, just a waste of time. Oh, but then something wraps around his leg (something previously established as having that potential, of course), and he is struggling. Now, people think he's being silly trying to get the bullies back out there. And he goes down.

No one even thinks about it until he doesn't come back up. Then they go for help. Then it's too late. Pamela has her spat, and you could end the film with the first scene of the original with the one year later shot of the killing.

You have your chance here to develop and give a lot of sympathy to a horror villain. Might as well use it.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: June 27th, 2008, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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I was actually thinking of doing that, make the whole script be about his summer camp expeirience and death, I just couldn't find enough to fill a feature length script without it turning into meatballs...haha.  If I had enough material I think it would be a good idea.


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 27th, 2008, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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George, I don't agree with making this all about young Jason at camp.  It would be way too boring, especially considering this is a horror movie.  Maybe even more important, not only is this a horror movie, it's a franchise that just about everyone is familiar with.  With that familiarity, comes expectations, and the expectations with any Friday the 13th flick is kills, and lots of them.  No one would want to sit through an hour and a half of a young teen camp flick set in the late 50's.

A coming af age camp movie is not going to cut it, so to speak.

As far as I'm concerned, at 55 pages, the intro is already way too long.  The auther says this intro will last 50 minutes...I think it looks like it's about 30 tops.  Either way, it's too long for the few things that take place.

I say either cut the intro down to 15-20 minutes, or add some kind of "horror" to this beginning...something that fans of the series would be interested in.
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Zack
Posted: June 27th, 2008, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
George, I don't agree with making this all about young Jason at camp.  It would be way too boring, especially considering this is a horror movie.


I respectfully disagree. I think it could work and I think it'd be great. Who says it has to be horror. It can be drama.

~Zack~
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George Willson
Posted: June 27th, 2008, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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The dramatic element here could be the doting mother and the potential thriller angle. Jason is a total mama's boy throughout the series. If mama says, it goes. He could come to camp with her, but she feels he should stya in her cabin with her because they did not come for him to enjoy himself. He wants to stay in the boys' cabin, and this is encourage by the people at the camp. Consider that perhaps "things" could happen to people who mess with her baby. Not deaths, necessarily, but perhaps the nurse would be busy this summer. And always seems to be the doting mother who never leaves her child alone. Her greatest fear happens when Jason slowly becomes self-sufficient and even has fun with his new friends. It could actually be quiet cool.

Sure, it doesn't fit the franchise, but the franchise consists of poorly made, character and drama free films that are kind of like porn: pointless, throwaway scene, then someone gets screwed. Why can't we actually put some life into the series?

And as for material, if you work to create compelling characters and fill out enough of them, just characterizing a half dozen characters could fill a second act very easily. Make the characters do what they would naturally do, and if you do it well enough, we'll be engaged in where they're going.


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 27th, 2008, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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I like that angle much better actually.  Maybe there could actually be some "accidental" deaths even, while Jason is alive.

There needs to be some action though for sure.  The dialogue needs to be engaging, which I don't think it is now.  And as you said, the characterization needs to be ramped way up so that we have likeable and interesting characters all the way around.
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George Willson
Posted: June 27th, 2008, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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Adding in a boatload of characterization would add at least half length of the first half as it stands now. If the characters were tweaked all around with a false alarm where Jason doesn't drown and Pamela gets in a good I-told-you-so before it actually happens in a drawn out dramatic sequence, you almost have the whole thing if you shoot for 90 minutes.

And forgive me, I promise I'm not trying to re-write your script for you.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: June 27th, 2008, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from George Willson
The dramatic element here could be the doting mother and the potential thriller angle. Jason is a total mama's boy throughout the series. If mama says, it goes. He could come to camp with her, but she feels he should stya in her cabin with her because they did not come for him to enjoy himself. He wants to stay in the boys' cabin, and this is encourage by the people at the camp. Consider that perhaps "things" could happen to people who mess with her baby. Not deaths, necessarily, but perhaps the nurse would be busy this summer. And always seems to be the doting mother who never leaves her child alone. Her greatest fear happens when Jason slowly becomes self-sufficient and even has fun with his new friends. It could actually be quiet cool.

And as for material, if you work to create compelling characters and fill out enough of them, just characterizing a half dozen characters could fill a second act very easily. Make the characters do what they would naturally do, and if you do it well enough, we'll be engaged in where they're going.


I think that would be interesting, I wouldn't wanna make Jason into a mama's boy, I did that script already and we all know how that turned out..HAHAHA

but yeah, I think it could work, I think most of it would have to take place over one day cause the instant something bad happens I'm sure they would shut down the camp immediately, but I'm sure their is a work around.  Pamela could somehow find a way to psychologically terrorize those who mess with her son, that could be nice and twisted.


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mgj
Posted: June 28th, 2008, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Jordan.

This is now the second version of a Friday script I've read on this site (Zack's was the first).  Even though I've never seen any of the movies I know enough about them to understand that they were meant to be campy fun as much as they were pure horror and I think you've captured that tone pretty well here.  

Little touches like having Jason say things like 'shucks' and 'gosh' create just the right irreverent tone, I think.  It felt a little tongue-in-cheek at times but I could sense that you have a lot of affection for his character and the movie.  As well, did I also detect a little 'Spoiled' influence in some of the scenes?

The killings, when they come, come fast and furious.  There's very little time to pause or reflect and you sense that all of these characters were created for the sole purpose of being killed but that's fine.  I think this is what the fans would want anyway.  We know it's coming so why drag it out or pretend that maybe that branch snapping was just a harmless squirrel when we know that it isn't.

The ending was a little vague to me.  Did Jason survive the drowning somehow?  Maybe that's a part of the lore about Jason - that he never dies or is unhuman somehow.  It was just a little unclear to me.  Also - did you change the ending  - because it seems to be pretty much on par with what I remember about Zack's script?

Overall I don't really have any suggestions for you.   I thought maybe the Susan character could survive since she seemed to be the only one of the group that wasn't horny.  Maybe Mrs. Voorhees could take pity on her, seeing that she's not like the others.

It was a very quick read and the best part of it was the sense of fun you seemed to approach it with.  It kind of reminded me a bit of Poltergeist in that way.

-Mike


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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The boy who could fly
Posted: June 29th, 2008, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mgj
Hi Jordan.


Hi Mike


Quoted from mgj

Jason say things like 'shucks' and 'gosh' create just the right irreverent tone, I think.  Little touches like having Jason It felt a little tongue-in-cheek at times


Yeah, I tried to put a little tongue-in-cheek  in it from time to time.


Quoted from mgj
did I also detect a little 'Spoiled' influence in some of the scenes?


Dear Lord no.  I would never pollute these boards with something like that again


Quoted from mgj

Even though I've never seen any of the movies I know enough about them to understand that they were meant to be campy fun as much as they were pure horror


You should, they can be quite entertaining.


Quoted from mgj

The killings, when they come, come fast and furious.  There's very little time to pause or reflect and you sense that all of these characters were created for the sole purpose of being killed but that's fine.


Yeah, the killing come pretty fast, I thought since i didn't have an actual kill till like 55 pages into the script it does happen pretty quick, I did try to put something in between each kill but maybe I should have a little more.


Quoted from mgj

The ending was a little vague to me.  Did Jason survive the drowning somehow?  Maybe that's a part of the lore about Jason - that he never dies or is unhuman somehow.  It was just a little unclear to me.  Also - did you change the ending  - because it seems to be pretty much on par with what I remember about Zack's script?


Jason comes back as the hockey mask killer later on in he series, he is like a zombie I guess.

Thanks for the read Mike and you comments.


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Scoob
Posted: July 3rd, 2008, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Jordan!

I thought I would check this one out being a Friday fan and I have to say although I have only read the opening 53 pages so far, i think it's probably one of the best Friday fanfic scripts that I have read so far.

I have read a few of the previous reviews so I know that from here on it goes into more of a remake of the original and I will read that tommorow but I enjoyed the first part(s) quite a lot.
Most of all, I found it an easy and quick read which just seems to make you want to read more so thats a definite plus to your writing which I think was excellent. It was simple to the point and at times, funny and sharp. The dialouge flowed with no problems, it kept building development of Jason and Pamela  and the storyline and gave us some background info on Jason's father which I think was great.
After reading a few of the other comments about making this more of part 1 then of the remake, maybe even drop it that Jason's dad is dead. You could have him come down to the lake to try and unite with Pamela and it could help cause more chaos. I like how you explained his death though and it does all add up fine the way you have it here, as well as Pamela being so good with knives having served as a cook in a military unit before.  Certainly helps to explain her stealth in some of the killings in the original movie so Im hoping its similar when I read the rest.

I think you wrote the mother and son scenes really well, it seemed real and typical of the times ( at times) and although it was obvious how Jason was going to meet his apparent end, I think the bully angle works with this character. If  Rob Zombie was to make a remake, I think he should have done Friday 13th instead of Halloween as his and yours ideas kind of match in that respect. I think I've always looked at Jason as a sympathetic villain because of his reasons ever since part 2 came out, I even rememeber my older sister rooting for him. So of all horror villains to create sympathy for, I think Jason is the one and you did a really good job with this.  I just hope the actual remake follows this kind of line of direction.

Just some things that flashed through my head when reading, I like that you have crazy Ralph as the canteen helper and although he seems nuts already I like that you included him in. The camp setting descriptions were minimal but completly adequte, no need to go in detail about such things and most of the dialouge from all the characters seemed real enough to pass off. When Jason watches the couple swimming late reminded me of Tommy from part 4. The opening page was particulary eye catching with the way you wrote it and that style continued to where I am now, so Im hoping the rest will be just as good. It makes me want to watch the original again just before I read your version.

So I will sum it all up after a couple of reads but a really good read so far.  Good job!



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The boy who could fly
Posted: July 4th, 2008, 11:19am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Scoob, hope you like the second half, it's more like a remake of the original Friday, but i do switch a few things around and added and removed a few things.  

The skinny dipping scene is kinda like the scene with Tommy in part 4, i figure i should at least have one scene like that in the script since it is in almost every Friday movie.

Anyways, i hope you like the second half.  thanks again for the read.


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James McClung
Posted: July 4th, 2008, 9:24pm Report to Moderator
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Okay. I'm only ten pages into the script but I gotta ask... what's the deal with Jason? He seems like a totally normal kid. I skimmed some of the previous comments and I gather you don't want to do the whole Spoiled thing again but still, isn't Jason supposed to be mute and deformed? Does this have something to do with the Victor Miller script or are you just trying to distance yourself from the original material? How much of this has to do with the Victor Miller script, anyway?

Just curious.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: July 4th, 2008, 11:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from James McClung
Okay. I'm only ten pages into the script but I gotta ask... what's the deal with Jason? He seems like a totally normal kid. I skimmed some of the previous comments and I gather you don't want to do the whole Spoiled thing again but still, isn't Jason supposed to be mute and deformed? Does this have something to do with the Victor Miller script or are you just trying to distance yourself from the original material? How much of this has to do with the Victor Miller script, anyway?

Just curious.


I made Jason a normal kid in this one, i didn't want to do the mutated retard cause that is kinda boring for me, i like it when the bad things happen to normal people, to me it is creepier than a freak show so i went a different path.  the second half of the script is a re make of the original, kinda like a double feature...haha


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