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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Friday the 13th: The Beginning Moderators: bert
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  Author    Friday the 13th: The Beginning  (currently 5242 views)
James McClung
Posted: July 17th, 2008, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jordan. Sorry for the delay. I'm in the middle of making a short movie so my hands are pretty full right now. Anyway, a couple notes...

- In their first encounter, I'd say Jason lets Wille slide calling his mom a wench. He doesn't react at all. Fix.

- Jason should resist when Howard offers to help him out. He'd probably figure it's just gonna get him beat down.

- Norman's story sounds a little unbelievable. How big was this fucking tree?

- Why doesn't Willie try to lie about making fun of Jason and Norman? Seems like he would.

- Kids say "Hell's Bells?"

- A little too long to get to Jason's drowning and not all that much happens in between now and the begining. You could just cut down on some dialogue and descriptions and leave the story the same. Stuff like the two guys trying to figure out what right is. I liked that scene but it could probably go. Just to cut down on a few pages.

More later...


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James McClung
Posted: July 29th, 2008, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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Finally finished. Not sure what to say about it. Both sides of the story worked in and of themselves I think but I'm not sure how they worked together. It seems weird to introduce new characters in the middle of a script to an entirely new situation. I don't know how else you could have done it though. Maybe use the second half as your main story and insert flashbacks of Jason's backstory, maybe told through other people. There's gotta still be people at Camp Crystal Lake who were there while he was alive. It's all a matter of structure, I think. Otherwise, you've got a pretty good slasher and a pretty good backstory for Jason. I'd say now it's just a matter of finding a better way for them to fit together.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: August 11th, 2008, 3:22am Report to Moderator
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Hey James, thanks for the read.  I know the structure in this version is a little strange, I kinda wanted to have like 2 halves, 2 different genres in one story, I thought it would be a more interesting approach, or maybe I was wrong...lol.  Anyways thanks again for the read.


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chism
Posted: January 24th, 2010, 2:59am Report to Moderator
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SPOILER ALERT

Jordan,

Sorry about the lateness of the read. Things have just been so crazy for the last... twenty months or so. But I've been on a Friday the 13th binge of late and a free afternoon on my hands, so what the hell. Okie dokie, here we go. Basically, what we've got here is two halves of two different movies meshed in to one, which is a pretty risky venture if you're not careful. But for the most part, this is a successful meshing, with one half being perhaps more successful than the other.

The 1950's stuff worked the best with me. You have a very good ear for the way kids talk to themselves and how they interact with adults, and I think that kind of thing doesn't have much bearing on what period you're in. Kids are kids, and aside from a slight attitude decay and more common STI's, kids today aren't really all that different from back then. I thought that stuff was pretty well-written, especially the building rivalry between Jason and Willie. I'm guessing you're a Stand By Me? The only real quibble I have about this section is that Norman has no reaction to Jason's disappearance. You have Pamela's reaction, the cops reaction and the reaction of the counselor's, but nothing from Jason's only friend? I would've liked a little something, even if it was just a scene. Maybe something with the baseball card? Other than that, I thought this was an excellent prologue.

I think the transitional scene with the murder of the two counselors the next year is pretty unnecessary. We know who the killer is going to be, it's mentioned later that there a couple of murders after Jason's drowning so it doesn't really need to be there. I suppose you could make the argument that it's important because it's Pamela's first kill, but I dunno. In a weird way, it kind of felt out of place for me. To go from sweet, protective mum to psycho killer in absolutely no time at all was pretty jarring. I'd scrap it, but maybe you have your reasons for including it.

The second half, the adaptation, is the less successful section for the simple reason that it moves too fast. You have characters that are introduced and then killed literally a scene or two later, and you have far too many kills in too little space. It's overkill, in the most literal sense of the word. Too much happens too fast, and that's including the final throwdown between Pamela and Alice. Also, when Pamela shows up it's a little bit of a "so-what" moment. It's obvious, even to one who isn't as initiated as you or I, that she's going to be the killer. And when she just shows up at the end, it's too flat for such a dramatic plot-turn. It was inevitable that she returns to the story and I think if you're going to do her whole back story then there's got to be some added twist to her reappearance.

But those are really my only gripes. I like a lot of the changes to the original film, especially the relationship between Steve and Alice and the story about what happened to their son. It's interesting to think that Alice and Pamela actually have this thing in common, the loss of a son. Maybe there's something there? Anyway, I also appreciated the added dimension of Brian's feelings for Alice. Of course since everyone is getting slaughtered, it doesn't really amount to anything. But it's a very nice addition, gives a little complexity to what could have been as standard as any of the later sequels of the series.

Overall, a good script. The pacing was nice and you really captured that Friday the 13th vibe very nicely. It's a shame that by about the third or fourth film that had evaporated from the actual movies, it's nice to see it back. I'm sorry again that it took so long for me to get around to this one, but I'm glad I finally did. Good work! So... sequel?
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The boy who could fly
Posted: January 29th, 2010, 4:30am Report to Moderator
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Oh my, this got dug up from the grave!!!  thanks for the read Matt, glad you liked it, but there will be no sequel, this was my one and only fan fic, i did have ideas for a sequel involving a christian summer camp, i thought it be kinda funny, but i don't think its in the future.  thanks again for the read.


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