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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Spanish Main Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 29th, 2008, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Spanish Maim by Brian Hall - Horror - A group of friends go to Cancun for Spring break.  Wild partying, they get arrested.  Separated, they go searching for their friend.  What they find is hell...a sadists paradise. 99 pages - pdf, format


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Posted: July 7th, 2008, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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First, a bit on style: you really overdid the one- and two-word descriptive fragments. I realize this is probably your style, but you maintain this style throughout the script, and thus the writing lacks variety. The opening scene is the last scene you want to be jarring to the reader, and it really was to me. If you want to write like that, you still need to mix in longer sentences for variety so the reader stays interested. Also, I was sometimes confused as to who was doing what, since you didn’t attribute names to the descriptions.

Now, on to the characters: they all seem one and the same. The dialogue is all virtually the same and does nothing to set your characters apart. They need their own individual voices. Kelley, after suffering such misogynism as a stripper, seems like she would have a strong voice against all the partying and sex, yet she is the one most eager to party and “dance provocatively,” even though she does this for a living. Seems to me after dancing and assumedly doing sexual favors for men she detests, not to mention having her head slammed into a locker, she would be the one most cynical of the party scene.

Then you establish that Chad is HIV positive, and for what? I have to confess I am bewildered by your ending, so if it plays a part in this I am sorry. As it stands, however, it seems like you just tacked that on because Chad is homosexual. Regardless, I think you missed a great opportunity on page 36. When they ask Chad if he is sure Kelley hasn’t been back, he should say, “I’m positive,” as in HIV. After which, perhaps Sara gives him a look.

There is a lot of unnecessary exposition in the beginning of your script. The shopping scenes are good examples. What purpose do they serve? To show that the girls like to shop? I’d hardly say that’s out of the ordinary for women of their age. The HIV positive scene and the stripping scene are far more interesting, and should come sooner.

As a matter of fact, I would cut the shopping scene. As a result of such scenes, your plot point scenes in the prison come a little too late. You could stand to have those later prison scenes with Kelley come a little sooner.

Your dialogue needs a lot of work. Take the scene with the taxi driver on page 21, for example. The dialogue does nothing but establish that the area is beautiful. The only thing intriguing about the scene is the way the driver takes their luggage. Maybe you can make him a little creepier. Though it’s weird, the friends just assume they do things differently here. This would be a good way to foreshadow their later conflict with la polizia. This scene is rife with potentially good dialogue, dialogue that shows who your characters are. Instead, it is wasted with lines like, “Woah. I know. Yeah,” and the like. The dialogue really doesn’t move past this throughout the film.

I should also point out there are too many spelling mistakes to make note of. You should go through and check. I think you spelled medieval three different ways, which also points to your overuse of a few words. Medieval and primitive seemed to be your choicest words in describing the prisons and dungeons.

I thought the psycho’s past history with his father, specifically with his father encouraging him to have sex with the shackled women, was one of the more interesting parts of the script. Perhaps you could develop that a little more, and maybe a little earlier. Maybe you could have the friends see the photos earlier on. Or maybe the police captain could have one of the photos on his desk to show just how corrupt the police are.

Isn’t Lisa’s mom named Tammy? Why do you refer to her at the script’s end as Lisa’s Mom? There are a lot of inconsistencies like this throughout the script.

I’m sorry, but if I’ve endured what the characters have endured, the last thing I’d want is to get reamed in the ass, as Chad does, whether I’m homosexual or not. Scenes like this are just simply unbelievable. Especially considering he’s HIV positive. And for that matter, why is he HIV positive? It has no relevance. If anything, it seems you’re just writing it because he’s a homosexual character. They also seem fairly taciturn on their flight back, and don’t put up much of a fight over the death of their friends.

And now, to the script’s biggest flaw: you have no main character. You don’t see many homosexual men as main characters in horror films, and I think that would be interesting. But make sure you’re not writing a type. An HIV-positive man who loves looking at adult toys and later gets bent over and handcuffed, if you’re wondering, would indeed be a type. You could really develop Chad and make him a good main character. He does take the most action to kill the psychopath in the end.

Again, what’s up with the ending? I simply did not get it.

The script needs a lot of work, mainly in your dialogue and characters. What can separate this film from so many others of the genre, such as Turistas and the like? I’d say a good, unique set of characters would go a long way. Let me know if you rewrite, and I’ll take another look at it. Good luck.
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