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Must jump in here... I didn't like the child being killed either...but...at the end in credits we see the pay back for doing just that...and if you are in the early part of the read Seamus wouldn't know that...so read on Seamus!
In addition I had to reconcile myself to the mere fact that I didn't see the child being killed...the scene only insinuates it.
In other movies from hollywood...I have seen babies be born demons, or in my eyes the worst movie of all that I can not watch...the Exorcist...I can't take young children being called to from the depths of hell...that has always bothered me too.
For this particular purpose, I get it...do I like it...no, but there's a lot of things I don't like in all kinds of movies that other people absolutely love!
I'm going to respond to the dialogue in a bit....since I'm new, and don't fully understand all the "standard exceptable" logistics of screenplay writing, (I'm on this site to learn more) I might be a little off...but I liked the build up...I liked the different personalities. I did agree that it could be shortened without taking away from the integrity of the story and moving it forward, but since I am a visual person...I liked being able to see the scenes in my mind as I read them.
Oh well...got to get to work....back later! MBCgirl
I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.
When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.
MBCgirl =) My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
Joey's death is supposed to bring feelings oif anger and hate. It's obviously not a pleasant thing. It's also something that we don't see very often, and that's why it's in here.
I've noticed that you sometimes tell and then show such as on pgs 33 and 36 where you say they continue talking and then show it. It's better to show them talking rather than tell and then show. Always go for show.
It's diffcult to tell the characters through the dialgoue. That is a difficult part to do so try your best at geetting that down.
The world you created also seemed to perfect. There has to be some problems. I'm not talking about the murders. What about the fact that Danny looked at a manquenins breast?
Everywhere they go seems like a party is going to go on. Their needs to be a resting peeriod.
You name specific songs, which is a no-no. you can have this in mind when writing to help you but not on a script
More to come later. Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Sorry you can't see the characters as different through what they say and how they say it. I see each character as having their own unique way of talking, but maybe it's just me. They are all friends for the most part, so they have consistencies in the way they communicate together for sure.
It's far from a perfect world, but it is the weekend after Christmas in which everyone is partying and skiing some of the best snow of the century. In their world, as it is, everything is perfect, except that they just happened to "trust" the wrong people.
Danny never looked at a mannequin's breasts, either, BTW. She was a real, live girl with nice paid for boobs that cost her $3,000. The fact the Danny is actually a breast doc, was supposed to add a little foreshadowing, and a little humor actually. after the fact, when you think about it (why would a guy who sees breasts every day of his life, actually look at a young babe's fake cans?).
Everywhere they go is definitely a party. Not sure if you're a skier or not, but it can be, and usually is definitely that way, especially when you hook up with a group of 20 somethings who are not only rich, but also partiers.
The song placement was definitely a conscious decision I made. Others have said what you're saying, but this is the least of my concerns. The song choice is there for a reason, to set a mood and garner a certain feeling. If you don't like them, that's cool, but as far as I'm concerned, they work well and create the mood I'm after.
Looking forward to hearing your final thoughts and feelings on this. Lots of twists and turns ahead of you. Hope you enjoy the read, and thanks for your comments Gabe.
Let me warn you, this is going to be one of the most uneven criticisms you’ll ever read.
It also contains S P O I L E R S.
But first, a little bit about myself so you know where I’m coming from. I’m very selective when it comes to horror movies, and I have a really short attention span when it comes to reading (I mean, come on, I’m nineteen!). However, I’m diligent and tenacious enough to finish what I start, and that’s why I usually (try to) get through a feature script in just a few hours, review and all.
Unfortunately, I had to take several breaks when reading Fade to White. It took me two days to finish it because, for the longest time, I just didn’t see the point. Yesterday evening, I seriously stopped reading at page forty and shut down my computer. I just couldn’t get into it.
I kept wondering, why wasn’t anything happening? I felt like I was watching Good Will Hunting, and the DVD kept skipping back to one of the bar scenes, over and over and over again. I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I went to bed, sort of frustrated, wanting to know if and when it got any better.
I decided to come back to the script the next day with a pessimistic attitude and a subjective opinion. I prepared myself for the worst, trying to remember what had already happened in the script, trying to remember the characters and their relationships with each other, which was actually pretty difficult.
I turned on the computer, opened the script, and started reading.
Then something happened.
The script got good. Really good. Like a completely different picture. Eighty pages later, I had finished the entire thing in just under forty minutes. I was speechless.
I haven’t felt this way about a horror feature since High Tension. Whereas that film ended with an unforgivable whimper, yours ends with a much-needed bang. And I’m pretty sure readers are going to be very pleased with your writing if they put up with the slow-burning start.
Unfortunately, that’s the biggest problem you’re going to face. Some people just won’t finish your script because there’s no story for far too long. There is just too much incessant dialogue for readers to be grabbed by the characters or your delayed hook. And it’s all because you wait too long to create conflict.
Your inspiration, or blueprint, for your script is Wolf Creek. Fair enough. I can see the similarities. However, if I remember correctly, that film actually had several different conflicts and motivations that separate it from yours.
For example, the kids in that film were not in one place talking for half an hour. They were on a road trip. They had a destination with a very mysterious history, so they had a lot to talk about. Not to mention they saw different things and met different people (including some really shady and potentially dangerous guys at a gas station). All of this posed a threat. It gave the audience the sense that something could go wrong at any minute.
I know what you might be thinking.
“My script does that, too! A bunch of people die in the first few minutes, and the killer gets away with it!”
You’d be right and wrong. See, Wolf Creek establishes a foreboding atmosphere without having to kill off anyone. How? Because within the first minute of the movie, it tells us thousands of people go missing in Australia every year. Then what does it do? It takes us directly to Australia, right smack dab in the middle of nowhere with three kids on a road trip.
We automatically know something is going to happen to them, and we spend the rest of the movie waiting for it. Will it be those shady guys at the gas station? Something at the crater site? The guy giving them a lift? It’s engaging from the start, and it keeps us guessing.
We never have the chance to guess with your script because we don’t have enough to work with. That’s why we feel left out as an audience for so long. It would be more interesting had you concealed the killer’s identity in the beginning, giving him/her subtle personality traits that we could later connect with new characters.
For example:
The killer pulls out a cigarette, pops his knuckles, and clenches his fist.
Now, any member of the audience who’s been paying attention can look back at the killer’s behavior and apply it to any of the new characters they’re seeing for the first time.
Nicole pops her knuckles. Johnny clenches his fist. Danny pulls out a cigarette.
“Dude, did you see that!?” says Audience Member #1. “That chick just popped her knuckles like the killer did! She’s the one!”
“No way!” exclaims Audience Member #2. “That guy right there keeps clenching his fist. It has to be him!”
I still know what you might be thinking.
“Dude, just stop. I’m not doing that! It would totally make the reveal(s) less surprising!”
It might soften them a little bit, but anyone who’s been paying close attention to the movie will appreciate the nuanced hints you’ve given earlier in the story. There is nothing a writer could do better for his audience than treat them with a certain amount of admiration and astuteness. Most of the time, the audience knows the story better than you do.
Your characters are actually pretty good, and they seem well-developed by the time everything’s all said and done. Jake’s the tough brute. Lisa’s the good hostess. Nicole loves the poison. All of them are easy to typify and separate, which is why you’ll have a hard time defending your script from being a typical slasher movie. And it’s not just you. Everyone gets categorized in these things. You’ve read Red Light. I’m guilty of it as well.
Janelle and Martin are your strongest characters. They’re cute, troubled, and likable. I enjoyed their shared bond as friends and the tight barrier they put up to keep it that way. Their quiet kiss on page 60 is really nice, and it counterbalances the brutal violence at the other end of the spectrum. It’s a good break from the sudden mayhem.
Megan and Nicole’s relationship is also good. I like their playfulness with each other, even though Nicole’s use of the word bitch seems quite rude in certain scenes. Isn’t it weird how fuck off sounds less offensive than ending a sentence with bitch?
The sugary-sweet goodness of Danny and Carlie’s relationship is disgusting and unrealistic. I don’t see the point in making them so courteous and bubbly, especially when the crux of the story unravels itself to the characters. The happy-go-lucky movie killer has been done before (see Funny Games and Serial Mom), and it just doesn’t belong here.
Other characters that don’t belong, or are never established well enough, include Bobby and Jill. Bobby’s only importance is to call the police, and Jill serves the plot long enough to get her head smacked against a rock and let the dogs loose. Whatever happens to them? There’s no closure with these people.
A couple of readers have criticized you for certain “spec screenplay” no-no’s. I personally don’t have a problem with them, but you’ll learn as a writer to use them less and less. I told naysayers I was perfectly satisfied with the camera angles I used in Red Light, and not even four months later, I’ve already gone back to remove them. I have a feeling the same thing will happen to you with song choices. You’ll give in eventually.
(Geez, for a moment there, I felt like a citizen of Stepford. Please conform, Jeff… we all want you to…)
Your action scenes are top-notch. You give us just enough detail to visualize everything without overdoing it. The many death sequences are horrifying and memorable, the highlight for me being a cruel scene where a character is lured to a shed and beaten like a punching bag.
Other deaths, including a homosexual dying in the closet, are written with just enough perverse spice to keep the readers engaged. The sudden death of a major character by gunshot was a really surprising turn of events for me, mostly because I didn’t predict this character to die, especially in such a reckless fashion. You definitely got me there.
But perhaps my favorite part of the entire screenplay is this bit of description:
His legs and boots, trudging along.
INT. SCHAEFER HOUSE - STAIRWAY/UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Carlie's legs now, walking up the stairs.
This is terrific writing for a spec script, believe it or not. There are no camera movements, no placement angles. Instead, you’ve created a distinct image just by following the motions of two people doing something at once. I’m actually jealous not to have thought of something like this myself.
Let’s move on to some of the dialogue. I know everyone is on your case about it, but since it’s the biggest thing holding your script back, it’s important we cover it thoroughly. I’ll give you some examples of how you can tighten up your writing.
Example #1:
CARLIE Hey Hun. Everything OK? You look pretty funny in that big suit.
DANNY Everything's perfect, and if you think I look funny, you should see Jake right now.
That is funny as hell and really creepy, but do you see how it can be trimmed?
CARLIE What’s with the suit? You look funny.
DANNY You should see Jake.
It’s to the point and with fewer words.
Example #2:
Carlie comes to life in a flash, grabs her around the neck as she passes. She's got her from behind, arms tightly wrapped around her neck.
NICOLE What are you doing, you bitch?
Put your fingers around your throat. Now squeeze. Really tight. And tighter. Come on! Squeeze!
Now say that line. Unless you want her to sound like Stephen Hawking, it just ain’t happening.
Example #3:
DANNY Frozen? How could they be frozen in here...there's no water or anything, is there?
JAKE Well, there's obviously a leak in the roof somewhere, and it seems to be hitting the piles, cause I've seen 'em frozen like this before.
Just trim it up! Less is more.
DANNY Frozen? Is that possible?
JAKE I’ve seen it happen before. A leak in the roof could be hitting the piles.
Do you see the polishing that can be done?
Example #4:
CARLIE That's so funny...that's the second time in the last few hours that someone said that to us. I have to say that I did a pretty good job when I looped this one. He's a good guy...he really is. Aren't ya Honey?
She kisses him. He smiles.
DANNY Yeah thanks Lisa. Aren't we just the cutest couple you've ever seen?
This is the perfect time to include some foreshadowing, and get rid of that “cute couple” line.
CARLIE That's so funny. That's the second time in the last few hours that someone said that to us. I have to say I did a pretty good job when I looped this one. He's a good guy. Aren’t you, honey?
DANNY Most of the time.
They kiss.
Example #5:
DANNY Hey, how about we pay the tab since you guys were cool enough to let us join you? OK?
LISA No way! We drank alot. Jake?
JAKE Yeah, Danny, that's too much man. We did drink a shitload. Why don't...
CARLIE Let us get it. Seriously guys. We insist.
Be careful about forcing something onto the characters and the audience. Instead, maybe Lisa and Jake catch Danny paying the entire tab, and that’s when they briefly talk about it.
DANNY (to Sara) Just put the whole thing on my tab.
Sara nods.
LISA Danny, what are you doing? You didn’t have to do that!
DANNY It’s really not a problem.
JAKE Nah, man, it’s too much.
DANNY You guys were cool enough to let us join you. Please. We insist.
Now, Danny and Carlie don’t sound so boisterous and pompous about paying the check. I understand your intention was to make them overly sweet, but you don’t have to hammer it into our heads. Ease up a little bit on their attitude. Judging by the reactions of others, your audience will appreciate it so, so much.
I’m giving you all of this advice because you’ve been a really active member on the forum, and you deserve a break. All of my comments are meant to help, not undermine, so take them with a very small grain of salt. I mean, seriously, I’m an unemployed kid with no plans for college. Don’t jump off a cliff if I raise my hand to speak.
Assuming this is a first or second draft, it’s a promising start, and definitely something that will only improve from here. Despite the flawed beginning, the final forty-or-so pages are some of the most intense I’ve come across in a spec script, and they warrant a recommendation from me.
If you had asked me yesterday if I recommended Fade to White, I would have said no. Absolutely not.
Hey Chris, thanks for sticking with it and providing this well thought out review and commentary. I will address this all ASAP, and give you some insights as well. I gotta go hit the links first though.
First things first...Chris, you mention that you are only 19 and yet your comments are intellectually stimulating...they make perfect sense...I am so impressed! Really I am! Your communication is well thought out and I believe helpful to the person writing the screenplay...and I think that is commendable. It's easy to throw out criticism...but not all criticism leads to change...or makes the person want to change for that matter.
I joined this site to learn how to write screenplays...I have been writing most of my life...commercials, dating and relationship articles, articles related to healthcare and currently I am writing a book...so before I started writing a screenplay I wanted to read a few and get to know the process. However...when it came to the criticism I read here with not much constructive application...I guess being new...I thought, "EGADS!!! I may never want anyone to critique my screenplay!!! lol I'd be crushed! *wink* No - I am not that fragile...but I think you know what I mean.
Dreamscale...rather than go on and on about the endless "chatter"...seems like our "chatter" has gone on and on... I think Chris has done a great job of offering you some things to think about and consider changing as have a few others. It would be so easy to rework your front end that really is a bit long, take out just some of the "sugar dripping sweetness" of Danny and Carlie and as Chris suggested, maybe include a few places where he isn't all "honey, Hun Bun, Danny overboard."
I liked the Jill and Bobbie portion because I believe it brought in an element of hope for what was going on in the house....of course at first you don't get that but when things begin to happen you almost hold your breath a little when Jill says she's going to stop by. I think maybe if Jill had a cell phone in her hand and was trying to call the police because she heard something coming from the wood shed...only problem she dials and the dogs take off...she slips in the snow, hitting her head and you see the cell phone lit in blue, snow flakes falling on it and you hear the police dispatcher say hello...hello...only Jill can't answer back.
I too thought the Carlie up the stairway and Danny coming back from the shed was very cool...in my mind I could picture them both taking those steps at the same time. A brilliant move in my book and a tension builder....at this point we still don't know if Carlie is in on this or not but we're sure to find out.
Megan's pre-death in the closet was really intense and there was that overshadowing seduction element. This visual was outstanding especially when we see "Durango, Heaven on earth" go red...what an obvious opposite statement to the scene!
I too wanted Marty and Jannelle to make it...but as the movie continued I could see why they couldn't. I think you visuals and set ups are really good.
With regard to the drinking...I have a bunch of friends that behave like that! I have also personally taken part in my share of "Pub Crawls" while up skiing. The fact that the situation changes is sure to sober someone up pretty fast...the human body responds differently when the adrenaline starts pumping...the jolt is equal to at least a good hot strong cup of coffee...so I think it's okay.
One question I would pose about the ending credit pieces where more of the story is revealed/explained...what if the piece where Xavier kills Tobias as the payback for not following the rules when he kills the child - were to follow the opening scenes of the Tobias killings? By moving this piece forward there would be quick resolution to the shock of the child being killed. Danny and Carlie could still be there...but they are off screen so you wouldn't be giving anything away. Xavier is talking to them about the money that will be ready when they have returned from their trip to help them get their business started. Xavier says his "godlike" remarks to add to the creepy setting...we still wouldn't know who to suspect but we would have some motive for the events and build up as we would be trying to figure out "WHO." You could then add some remarks from a charater or two to move that along. It would make better sense in my mind at least if the information was played out this way and it would help move the screenplay forward.
I like that you are trying to do some unique things. Not that many people went to see "Mama Mia"...but I did They had some cute scenes that ran after the movie ended and it worked really well, but this was a feel good musical that left me feeling happy. You'd just have to make sure people sat tight to get through the credit elements so they could get the missing pieces.
I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.
When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.
MBCgirl =) My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
Hey Chris (Sham), just got back from some golf. Again, thanks so much for your comments...they're all well recieved and very well thought out and articulated.
I'll try and respond in the order you've brought things up to make things easier to follow.
Just about everyone has lambasted me for the long, slow buildup in the bar, with all the meaningless and trivial banter. I totally understand where you're coming from here.
Thanks so much, BTW for your very positive comments about the 2nd half of the script and the allusion to High Tension, which I also loved.
As for all the Wolf Creek comparisons, I have this to say. I loved Wolf Creek, and when I first saw it in the theater, I was totally bored and a little upset about the first hour or so in, because in my mind, literally nothing was happening. There's only 3 charcaters (and I didn't see much conflict at all) and even the scenery of the outback wasn't that interesting. I got to thinking (several times actually), what in the world is going on here? Where is this thing going, and when is it going to get there. When it got there, for me at least, the payoff was hugely worth the ride, and I actually appreciated how Greg McLean had purposely disarmed me and lulled me into a very calm state. Then...BANG...everything changed.
I don't want to say that Wolf Creek was a blueprint, but it definitely came to mind in several ways (as did Hostel, another favorite of mine). I wanted to create confusion as to what was going on and when and where things were going to pick up. I wanted to up the odds with alot more characters, and I actually thought that I had provided a number of different and interesting settings, and potential situations, as well as some funny dialogue and interactiosn between everyone. I guess I slathered it on kinda thick!
After my initial kills, which I wanted to be very brutal and shocking (especially by offing an innocent little kid), I really didn't want any foreboding atmosphere. I was hoping that the viewer would be assuming that Tobias would be showing up in Durango at some point to start another killing spree, and until he did, I wanted things to be very light.
I understand what you're saying about possibly not revealing Tobias as the initial killer, but I actually wanted to switch things up and show the killer right off the bat. Something that you rarely if ever see in a horror flick. And then by introducing a large number of likeable (in my mind at least) protaganists, I was trying to set the viewer up for a big twist, in that first of all Tobias never shows up, and then the least likely bad guys, become the antagonists, and take everyone out sytematically.
Glad you liked Marty and Janey and their interactions. I like them also, and was trying to get the viewer routing for them to possibly save the day and run away together happily ever after.
Nicole is a Bitch for sure, when she gets drunk. She's jealous of Megan and Lisa's long friendship. She's also a different class of person for the most part, and I'm glad that she came off that way.
As for Danny and Carlie, I'm a bit surprrised that most don't like them or their interactions. I agree that I was laying things on thick, but for me, they come off as a real cool and goofy couple that's totally in love. I guess I need to tone them down a bit, and I can easily do that.
Sorry you didn't appreciate Bobby and Jill. I actually really like them, as I think they provide some comic relief in their interactions and also provide another possibility for hope in Jill saving the day at the Schaefer house, or Bobby calling the cops). Jill lives in the end, and her survival just may play a part in the sequel. As for Bobby...originally, he had a final scene when the cops come over and tell him the situation. Before they leave, he asks a cop to get him another beer. I decided to cut the scene and assume that his reveal with the broken leg was enough of closure for him.
Yeah, the song placements...I love them and hope I never give into being a conformist...cause I'm sure not a conformist! I like the way they fit into the overall feeling of the script. Obviously, if it ended up that I couldn't use the exact choices I made, no big deal. More on the actual choices in minute...
Glad you liked the kill scenes. Thanks! I actually put alot of time into them, and spent many a night perfecting how they'd go down and what made sense in terms of how they might actually be pulled off. I too, love Marty's death. Someone else said they didn't like it at all, which was a big shock to me. Glad they worked for you.
The legs walking scene...another one I really like, and thanks so muc for the compliments!. I spent awhile on this one as well, and reworked it numerous times to get to where it is now. Originally, I had camera angles and shots in there, that I worked out. And now, back to the song selection, because here's where it really works (for me at least). You might remember that Kashmir was playing during this scene. Maybe you're not familiar with it, cause it is an old song, but I hand picked it because the beat of it (or tune to it, while Jimmy Page is strumming that memerable riff), just seems to sound like walking to me...trudging along. If you don't know it, check it out and see if you don't agree.
OK, I'll respond to your next post later...gotta get ready for a big night out on the town.
Hey Jeff, finished the script. Really good, entertaining read. Haven't read any comments so prepare for the odd repeat.
First off you have to either trim this down or reveal this game a bit more in the bar scene. Like I said earlier I liked the dialogue and was entertained by it but there's no horror or suspence at all. I don't know how you would do it...maybe, have a murder in the toilets or something?`I'm sure you could come up with better if that's the way you wanted to go.
The plane scene seems to be the easiest way you could reduce the page count but I'm not just meaning that. The structure seems to be the problem not the length. I think it's past half way through that the first murder takes place. There's a couple of hints in Danny's dialogue but I think it needs a few more hints.
I made a list of some things I liekd and disliked so I'll just go through them.
Liked.
Snowflake transitions
Whistling 'Somewhere over the rainbow'. That would be very creepy.
Seinfeld episode quote. That was funny, my favourite episode so I was thinking of that before one of the characters mentioned it.
Jill's death was excellent I thought. The writing and it was pretty imagintaive...oh, actually she didn't die did she? Jill's accident then.
On page 85 I liked the transition to the Lexus. I think it drove past the cop car.
I liked more than just this but I only started making notes about half way through lol.
Disliked.
Everyone seemed to say 'also', instead of 'aswell' or 'too'. I don't know many people who would say also so I think having all your characters say it makes their dialogue a little samey. Although, is that an American thing?
Alot of times you write in the action 'The screen fades to white'. Just format that as a transition because it's a little distracting.
On one occasion you put Mr in the dialogue, I think you need to write it out as Mister. haha, I'm getting all nit-picky now.
When I finished the story (pre credits). I was going to say the motivation was lacking. Did Danny have a bit of a God-complex? Being a doctor. You reveal what was going on during the credits and although that was pretty cool, some people may miss that. Something just didn't really sit well with me about that aswell. You've sat through a 2 hour film thinking one thing and then the credits tell you it was about something completely else. That might just be me though.
I think you have to go through this and really analyse every page. What can you cut? Can you put in a little more suspence, a little more of a reveal?
Hey Chris, sorry for the delay, here's my response to your 2nd post.
I know what you're saying about the dialogue. I guess it comes down to personal preferance. I like part of your 1st example and other parts of my original. I definitely will be relooking at all the dialogue and see what I can cut/alter, etc. without causing too much pain to myself.
Example 2 - Actually, Carlie gets Nicole around the neck with her arm, not her hands. She doesn't have the hold sunk in too deep when Nicole first speaks, but I see where you're coming from here.
Example 3 - Point taken. There are many examples of this sort of thing that could be easily reduced. Guess these characters just serious windbags!
Example 4 - I like this one! Good idea.
Example 5 - Not sure I like this or not. I'll think about it. I do see where you're coming from again though.
All your comments are welcome Chris. Whether or not I completely agree doesn't even matter. No cliff diving for this guy
Actually, this isn't a 1st or 2nd draft. It was oribinally completed about a year ago. I've made numerous changes, deletions, additions, etc. I was pretty sure it was near final draft, until I threw it up in here. I will be making some tweaks, based on what I've been hearing, and hopefully get it into a final draft stage.
Thanks for the compliment about the last 40 pages, as well as your recommendation. I appreciate it.
Hi MBCgirl, thanks for all your input here. Sorry I didn't get back with you earlier.
As you and others have noted, a few tweaks seem to be in order in the buildup. I am planning on shortening the bar scene, and maybe even cutting the Rosie character on the plane. I also agree that I need to pull out some of the "Huns", "Hunbuns", "Honeys", etc., but not nearly all of them! I still don't see it as a big problem but most don't seem to like Danny and Carlie because of this, so I will tone them down a bit.
Glad you enjoyed Jill and Bobby. I actually thought about the cell phone idea, but decided it wasn't necessary based on the 2 way radios they're using, but thanks for the idea.
Thanks for the legs walking compliment. As I responded to Chris, I really think that's a cool visual as well. And see what you think about my comment about Kashmir playing during the scene. Just sounds like a beat made for walking, lol!
Glad you liked Megan's pre death scene. I actually tried to use colors as a theme in a number of places. Glad it worked here for you and you saw it.
Janey did put up a good fight, but Marty was just too hammered to do anyone any good. Glad you enjoyed them.
Agreed with your drinking comments. Alot of this is actually taken from experience on ski trips with a big group of skiers...and partiers! The body does have a way of sobering up under the right circumstances.
Good point about the Xavier scene. Not sure I like exactly what you're saying, because I do want the viewer to be thinking that Tobias is going to show up and start killing again in Durango. But I do agree that I need to somehow work this in a bit deeper, as X has alot more to do with things than people seem to understand. Like your "Godlike" comment!
Yeah, my real intent was to do things as differently as possible, not follow standard plotting, structure, etc. I was definitely going for uniqeness in every way. But, uniqueness isn't always easy to follow or appreciate, so maybe I need to tone down that aspect of it a bit.
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