drove in to work thinking about your script. i only got half way through before going to bed. the snow sticks with me for some reason and i don't know if it'll play out. maybe it'll be people going crazy for some reason. the snow is inconsistent. sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's soft. heavy, light. it confuses me at times.

Hey Clorox, here's some responses for ya.  Thanks!

Yeah, that’s what I was going for.  Getting things started with a fucking bigass bang!  I guess you either appreciate this kind of stuff, or shy away from it.  I think it pays off for sure.

I love all feedback and suggestions, etc., but this is a little much here, telling me to change the name of a main character because you confused it with Charlie.  Her name’s not changing, nor is the spelling.  It’s there for my niece, first of all.  I also really like the name (and it’s unique).  And finally, I think it sounds great with Danny…Danny and Carlie…a nice ring to it.

There wasn’t any screaming going on at all.  If you’re saying that any use of an exclamation point, means the phrase is screamed…I don’t agree…but do hear what you’re saying.  There was no real tension in this scene at all.  The exclamation points merely meant that those lines were being said with more “oomph” than regular…a little more emphasis being used.  I’ve gone back and taken them out, as I guess they don’t really need to be in there.

They get along great.  I don’t feel that raising one’s voice or heavily emphasizing something has anything to do at all with not getting along.  They’re a little quirky and excitable, that’s it.

This scene had alot more to it originally.  It’s been cut down, and this is what remained.  She gazes into his eyes, because she loves him, and that’s the way she is.  She trips because she wasn’t paying attention to where she was going, as she was looking at him.  Again, it does pay off later. You’ll have to wait and read on to see whether or not it saves their lives.  Yes, the “mysterious” set up also goes somewhere and will pay off.  I loved the original and remake of Oceans’ 13.  Didn’t like the sequels at all.

I don’t see what you’re referring to with “all that description” on page 7.  As for the “moments later” in the slug, I already identified that it’s night in the slug on page 4.  I believe that slugs should be as accurate as they can…I know others do not agree with this completely.  You’ll see that this is somewhat of a “real time” script, so I’m using “continuous”, “moments later”, and “later” quite a bit so the reader knows exactly when it is, and in a “production” situation, so everything make sense from 1 scene to another, in terms of continuity.

My writing tends to be visual, and rich with imagery…probably from my years of writing outside of screenwriting.  I personally like writing that tries to paint a picture or elicit a mood, feeling, etc., through the use of a single word or 2.  The “big, fluffy snowflakes” thing is more for the imagination than it is for what the snow has to look like.  At this point, though, the snow is coming down in big, fluffy flakes…these are the kind that are best for catching in one’s mouth.  Big, fluffy flakes are not necessarily “warming” snow.  Many storms start off with this type of snow, and then turn into much heavier snow and even blizzard conditions.  I think the important part about this short scene is that it is indeed short, and whether or not I used an extra word here or there to illicit a feeling, doesn’t matter at all, when it’s all said and done.  What are you referring to when you say, “so much time is spent on other things that it gets drowned out during the read”?  It’s a 30-40 second scene, and being outside, in the beautiful snow, it’s going to look great.  It shows a loving, playful side to each of them.

I hear what you’re saying, but definitely, 100% do not agree with writing dull, flat prose like that.  I don’t think that shows what a writer can do, and is very mechanical…dull, and definitely doesn’t give any mental image of the actual scene, IMO.  Not my style now, not ever going to be.

I use Movie Magic Screenwriter, and “moments later” is an option, just like “later”, “night”, “day”, whatever.  If a script covers many days and nights, etc., then, for sure, I’d be using “night” and “day” in the slugs, whenever I shifted to a new day…or night, etc.  Remember, this is a real time script for the most part. Most of the action takes place over 1 night, so there’s absolutely no reason to keep using “night” over and over, as it doesn’t tell us anything at all.  The “moments later”, “later”, and “continuous” in the slug actually do tell us something.  There are numerous scenes that are taking place at the same time that other scenes are.  Timing is critical in this script, as you’ll see.  Thus, the exact slug times.

The “fade to white” transitions tie into my title, obviously.  They’re also going to be a really cool thing onscreen.  They are not constant, so they shouldn’t get repetitive or irritating.  The one you are referring to…yeah, it is night, but it’s also snowing, so it’s not going to be really dark.  They’re also in a very well lit parking area.  Maybe it won’t be literally “fading” to white, but the screen will go white.  As a side note, originally, I didn’t have these “fades” show up as actual transitions in the script.  I used prose to say this, and a few commented that they thought it would read better if they were actual transitions, like “fade out”, fade to black”, etc.   So I decided to kill 2 birds with 1 stone and use “Fade to White”.   Hope that makes sense.

The scene heading is the highway.  The opening “shot” is an aerial view.  Many people use slugs such as “EXT. JEEP”, meaning the camera is right outside the car and is pretty much stationary, showing the exterior of the car, and maybe the people inside.  I don’t agree with that unless that’s literally what you’re after.  It’s a dull shot to me. I prefer to have these type of shots be full of motion…following the car from overhead, in front, behind, to the side…moving with the car, not attached to the car.  The setting is the highway, and the Jeep happens to be on said highway.  Again, I used the actual number of the highway simply because I like being exact, and it doesn’t take up any additional space, so it really shouldn’t matter.  This entire “scene” is only 8 lines of prose…could it be less? Sure it could, but I don’t see that it matters at all here, and the scene as I have it laid out, is again, good looking and very visual.  Am I over directing or over writing here?  Some would say so, but I don’t think so.

D & C are big skiers.  This is an everyday occurrence in terms of driving in ski country.  There’s no fear here…it’s more beautiful than scary.  They’re in a 4 wheel drive SUV and Danny knows what he’s doing when it comes to this kind of driving.  I am talking from personal experience, as I am a HUGE skier.  Driving may be tough, but scary isn’t the word or feeling.  Anticipation, wonder, amazement, beautiful…those are the feelings I have when driving through gorgeous dumping snow.  The little discussion about Carlie wanting to shop is meant as a little husband/wife humor, as well as showing what they’re like together.

The shop being on the right side means it’s on her side.  It’s why she can turn in her seat as they slide past the store.  It’s also how she gets out and she’s already basically on the side walk, doesn’t have to worry about crossing the street, and how she can immediately start catching snowflakes again.  But, it takes a whopping 3 short words to tell us this, so who cares?  I’m very anal in the way I think and set things up.  For this scene to work the way I set it up, the store needs to be on the right side of the road.

I’m not big on the use of “intercuts”, unless they’re necessary, as in a series of short shots between different settings.  I prefer to be exact with “INT” and “EXT” scenes.  Again, the prose you suggest is bare bottom, dull, with absolutely zero detail.  I don’t write like that and don’t want to either.  I am very familiar with over writing, and I don’t believe that I’m doing that for the most part.  There are definitely a number of instances that can be cut down, but I’m never going to write in such a sterile, robotic way.

I actually appreciate any and all feedback, especially when someone catches a mistake that has slipped through.  I think anyone who knows and understands writing, and/or screenwriting, could edit any and every scene, based on their opinion.  I’m not really looking for that, but I do appreciate the effort for sure.  Again, the “wispy snow pillowing up” is simply a visual image that I wanted to go for.  It also will transition perfectly into a “fade to white”.  That’s how I feel, but understand what you’re saying.

lol. well, you do have your style. my eyes are all wispy now.

Ha, funny!  Sorry, I screamed again...kidding...I've actually really toned down the use of those exclamtion points...the 1st draft was littered with them.  Could be too mnay still, though.  I catch things all the time.

Hope you enjoy the rest of the read...

Well now. That was interesting. The ending tied it all together, made the story have sense within itself.

So it’s about a man and woman who go to a ski town and randomly select some young adults and kill them. In the end we find out the killings are an exercise in the power of life and death.

Only with the ending does any of it make sense within itself. The ending gives sense to the victims, the purps, the cops. The ending actually takes the edge off, but I’m not sure in a good way for me. At least the killing is done. Senseless killing that still doesn’t make sense to me outside of the story.

The victim characters are stock. I got to know them some and to me they were just party people. At times the women sounded like men, but then they were written by a guy. Maybe I’m out of the loop on how women talk. I cared that these people died inside the framework of the story. Outside of this story, the victims were partiers with not a lot else learned about them. But it doesn’t matter for what the story is about. Knowing them intimately is not the point. It could be anyone who is like that, and those are the people we meet every weekend. So it could be us that gets it. The way you painted Danny and Carlie in the beginning is in stark contrast to who they turn out to be, and you had to do that to create this WTF series of moments.

I’ve mentioned how I see this structurally. Some of my issues are explained with the ending. The whimsical writing sets the tone that is shattered later on with brutal writing. So in that way the writing did what it was supposed to do. And that’s what counts here.

Overall, still not my style, but I understand what you went for. To me it’s violence for that sake of violence. I don’t comprehend it. I don’t want to comprehend it.

Wow, you got through the last 60 pages quite fast.  I know the 2nd half is a much quicker read.

Glad you saw the contrast in writing and tone...and everything. But...once again, the real "story" didn't get through to you.

Was this simply random killings for the sake of killing? No, it actually wasn't. The truth lies in Xavier, and no one is getting this written version, for some reason.  You need to reread X's few parts and see if you don't come away with a different feeling...or read a few of my previous posts.

More to follow.

Thanks again, Clorox (WTF is your name, dude?).

So...what are your final thoughts about this?  For what it is, did it work for you?  Did you feel the WTF moments and tension in the finale?  Any characters you really liked?  What about D & C?

Yes, I thought about Xavier. The only thing I can say about Xavier is that maybe he's the devil. Does that lend more credence to the killing? Not for me. D&C sold their souls and all they have to do is murder? Like I said, the ending takes the edge off because at least the brutality is done. And not killing a kid, those rules are in movies already. But why not? Does the devil have a heart? I don't think so. So why have that rule. A kill is a kill. Power.

D&C. Happy little couple, aren't they? Satan's spawn. The repartee while they kill is lost for me. But that's me. PULP FICTION did the same kind of thing. Lots of movies put a "human" touch on murderers. It rarely works for me. There is a line in I've Loved You So Long. A guy who teaches in prisons says there is a fine line between the two people on opposite sides of the glass. Not exactly like that, but close. Could I really kill? For any reason, let alone what you present in FADE TO WHITE? God, I hope not. So in reality, I don't know how murderers talk, if they compliment each other like D&C. So all I have to go on is movies. And those kind I'm not into. This brings up an interesting question in what is the difference in this style and say, DIE HARD. DIE HARD is brutal. So what's the difference? I know what it is. Most know what what the difference is even if they can not articulate it. And it's why moviegoers flock to see the likes of DIE HARD or TRUE LIES and less so to something like SAW.

For what it is? Yes, I think I said it worked for what it is. For me? Since I don't watch these kinds of movies, I'm not the best judge of whether or not this would get picked up or not. I've never seen a Friday the 13th, or 25th for that matter, a SAW, or a Freddie Kruger. Random snippets is all I know about those films and the satirical takes on them. So I can't say it worked for me. But it worked.

The finale? If by finale you mean the final killings in the house, yes, there was tension. You think the cop is going to save the day when he ends up saving nothing. That's the brutality I'm talking about.

I didn't like any characters better than the rest. A group of partiers. Drunk and going after each other one way or another, verbally, physically. You can't forget the biggest distraction you have going is the brutality you start with. With the occasional reinforcement before the bloody end. That sticks with you during the read. When is the next shoe going to drop? So in a way, I'm kept alert, and I don't mentally get real deep, because I'm waiting for something to happen. So yes, it worked.

I have to add something about Xavier. If Xavier actually is the devil, and not some guy with sharpened cigar stained teeth, more human than your description might imply, then it's a major tonal change for me. So I kept Xavier, in my mind, just a ruthless man in this world. I forget the phrase they use, but the phrase I'm thinking of says in effect God saves the day. That D&C in some respect had to do what they did for purposes maybe beyond their control? Because I don't really know if Xavier really is the devil (small d, ) and what the back story is as to how D&C got involved with the big guy from downunder. A first born problem? Maybe they forgot to smear blood on the door posts and lintel. It seems like a free will thing. But is it? Tonal change.

Hey Clorox, sorry for not responding earlier…busy weekend!  Here’re my final comments on your final comments.

Yeah, X is indeed Satan.  The final “twist with X popping up is definitely meant as another tone changer.  But…the brutality is definitely not over with, because there is a sequel in the works, and Blacky will take over the killing role.  X isn’t your normal, everyday Devil. He’s different for sure.  Does he have a heart?  I wouldn’t go that far, but he does believe in playing by his rules, and “fairness” is one of them.  Why doesn’t he allow the killing of children?  It’s not fair in his eyes, and he wants each child to grow up and be able to make his own choices.  The “power” he refers to is also ambiguous.  It’ll come into play in the sequel, when all of this ambiguity will be touched upon…and it will all make a lot more sense.

D& C are not Satan’s spawn.  They are good people.  The made a bad choice and now they’re going to have to deal with it.  The vast majority of human beings could not and would not kill for any reason, let alone for financial gain or need.  But there are definitely those that are predisposed…have a propensity to kill…or just would, in the “right” situation.   Do these people talk like this?  Would they talk like this?  Everyone is unique and D&C are definitely their own individuals.  They talk like this in general, so why not while they’re doing their deeds?

Not sure exactly what you’re saying when referencing Die Hard or True Lies, but there aren’t many similar qualities with Saw, for instance.  I think Scream is another good example to throw in.  Horror movies in general do not draw the mega box office bucks, but they do pull in the core crowd on a very regular basis.  Problem is that there aren’t rally too many realistic horror movies.  Maybe, realistic isn’t the right word, but hopefully you know what I’m saying.  I see this as hybrid horror, and hope it will attract much more than just the usual horror crowd.  I think it will, as it actually offers quite a bit in terms of different genre highlights.

I’m shocked you haven’t seen any of the horror icons.  You sound like my sister in many ways.  She despises anything that isn’t beautiful, perfect, right, nice, etc.  She doesn’t want to fill her head with any negative images. She believes the world is nothing but beauty and perfectness.  I know better. Sure, the world has so many examples of beauty and the like, but we also see everyday how brutal life can be.

Yeah, glad the finale worked for you in terms of what it was supposed to do…provide extreme tension and brutality.

Yeah, the characters are on vacation and in party mode for sure.   The brutality is supposed to work with or against that, depending on how you look at it.  Again, I’ve gone for a lot of opposites here and am trying to have them work alongside each other.  The opening is definitely meant to let you know what you’re in store for and keep you on your toes, even though there are rather long segments of nothing but “partying” going on.

Yeah, X is definitely meant to provide another tonal change.  Kind of to make you realize that whatever you assumed was going on…think again and re-evaluate.  You’re correct, D&C did pretty much have to do what they agreed to do, and one can infer that the “power” X talked about is something that takes over the mind and body, during the killing spree.  They are not cold blooded killers, although it sure seems that way, based on their actions…and even the things they say while it’s going down.

The back story of X will be a prominent feature in the sequel.  X has a way of “finding” those that may take him up on his offers.  The time was right for D&C.  Danny just got in financial trouble due to his partner retiring. He didn’t have the money to buy out the practice, due to D&C’s life style of big spending and high living.  It is a free will thing, but they made their decision, and saw first hand what the consequences were for not going through with it and following X’s rules.  Did they literally know or realize they were selling their souls?  We don’t know, but I can tell you that they didn’t at first.  As Carlie says to Blacky near the end, she believes that there ways out of what they’ve done (as in not necessarily going to Hell for their sins). This will come into play in the sequel.

Hope that offers a little more insight.  Thanks again for all your time and well thought out comments.  Totally appreciated!

then this evil club is ethnocentric and hypocritical. how in the name of fairness can the devil let children grow up to make their own choices when after they grow up a choice for them to die may already be made? how is there choice? only according to X's rules. how can this be classified as fair? is there God? or is it only X that exists? the party gang didn't have a choice in the matter. No victim had a choice in this matter. it makes no more sense than the headlines of late. there is no morality here. it's pure darwinism; the species packing the most heat or biggest stick survives. most stories need to have some kind of underlying morality that we identify with. if there is no morality, then for the most part, the story will fail but for the scare factor. D&C are cold blooded killers. all of X's hit folk are cold blooded killers. walk like ducks. talk like ducks. i don't see any other way around it with what you've drawn.

Morality?  I don't know.  Fate?  Yeah, more like it.  Survival of the fittest?  Usually.

The "party gang" definitely had a choice, as well as a chance.  They made a poor choice in trusting D&C. They didn't have to.  They weren't targeted, they just made it easy.

Yes, of course God is around.  He's just not stepping in here.  It's a world of give and take.

Like I said yesterday, I have this sneaky suspicion that your mindset is much like my sisters.  I remember how appalled at this concept she was.  She told me that after she read it, she wished she hadn't because it painted bad pictures in her brain.  She hates things like this, and it sounds like you do as well.

That's OK though...different strokes for different folks.  

your sister and i could think alike. how boring would we all be if we all thought alike. oh, wait, you saying i'm boring? lol. i'm not appalled. probably would have been if i had never heard of anything like this, or grew up in the rain forests of the amazon without a microwave and refrigerator and tv and phone. hate. no.

i didn't see trust from the point of view that, hey, i trust you, so i'm going to give myself to you. from a purely technical point of view, there was trust. from a world perspective, they all partied and so it became let's party together, it'll be fun. so it really wasn't a choice. if D&C said, hey, you guys, let's go party, and then we'll kill you, then the victims would have a choice. it was not a poor choice they made, it was a natural choice. not targeted as in Mr. Phelps, here are your targets, should you choose to go through with this mission, true.

i can't be the only person to engage the topics we're discussion. maybe if you put some morality in it, some choice, it might change it up. but then the brutality would be gone. that's a hard call, and you're the writer. interesting discussion for me, that's for sure.

by the way i spent the night in scottsdale. amazing homes they have up there.

Clorox, don't get me wrong.  I completely appreciate that everyone thinks differently, likes different things, and has their own opinions.  I really do.

Have you seen "Mr. Brooks" with Kevin Costner?  It's actually a very well done movie, IMO.  It did pretty well at the box office as well, and seems to recieve mostly high marks from critics..  I ask, because in some ways, it shares common themes with my Fade.  I don't want to spoil anything for you if you haven't seen it and do, but I would be intereted to hear what you think.

Yeah, maybe "trust" isn't quite the right word, but then again, it usually comes down to some form of trust, both in the movie world and the real world.  Many of our real life serial killers used trust from their victims to be able to kill them.  The scariest kind of killer to me is the one you don't expect...or suspect.  There were some great lines from Pacino in "The Devil's Advocate", regarding an exchange between him and Keanu.  He says something to the effect that him being such a little and less than attractive guy, no one ever sees him coming, and doesn't even bother to worry about him.  So true...so true...

Interesting discussions for sure, Clorox.

you have a good point there. i can be quite naive about those kinds of things.

Alright, Jeff just coming in here and letting you know I'm almost done with your script and will do my best to get a review up for you very soon. So don't think I forgot to read it or put my two cents in over it.

Thanks, Balt!  Been looking forward to it.

Are you in KC?  Used to do alot of business there.  Love AZ, though.  Cool place, great weather, and good people...mostly Midwest implants.

Thanks.