Missing scenes as the credits roll.  Kind of like Wild Things (did you see it?)  They fill in holes and answer questions that you may have had, as these things were purposely left out.

I will address all your comments ASAP.  I'm going golfing in a few.  Had a bigass party/BBQ yesterday.

Your comments are all very much appreciated and very helpful.

Ahhh, I thought it was something to that effect, but I didn't get what holes they were filling/how they were doing so. No bother, we'll probably get to those in further discussion.

Have fun with the Golf, and you are lucky to be BBQ'ing, 'cos the weather is atrocious here - however, the Spa was good fun!

Andrew

Hey Aaron, I’m going to respond to you first because it will be much easier than my response(s) to Andrew.

Thanks for posting some more thoughts (did you actually read it again?).  You’re right…if you don’t like slow builds, you’re not going to like page 5-47 that much.  Yeah, the bar scene is indeed long, and there are numerous examples of things that could be cut out (but aren’t going to be at this time).

Glad you liked the twists and kills.  They are definitely a highlight here.

Glad you liked it overall, and thanks for the feedback.

Post 2 reponse…

Andrew, I’m going to comment in order with your posts, so just follow along and I’ll answer all questions and address all issues as well.

Not sure what you really mean or why you have problems about Jake saying, “You’re seriously pissing me off.”  It’s such a simple little line (and is also the 2nd of 2 lines that are spoken together here).  It also seems to shut Nicole up for the time being, so if nothing else, it worked for Jake.

There’s not much about The Dark Knight that I enjoyed.  I am still shocked to this day that it did as well as it did and garnered the praise and awards that it did.  I just don’t see where you’re going with this comparison at all.  Jake’s line is a “throwaway” line (but it doesn’t mean that it should be thrown out!).  The line you quoted is a much bigger, grander, deeper line that is in many ways, over the top (but the movie had nothing but over the top characters, so…who knows).

As you find out later, the tire blowing out wasn’t what it seemed like at the time.  Glad you are warming to Nicole.  Some people said that she was their favorite character.  Others will find her very annoying and irritating.

Andrew, I seriously think that a number of posters just don’t get the dialogue, based on the way they’re reading it in their heads.  Here’s my angle on this line and others like it.  First of all, people do say this kind of thing.  I’ve actually personally said something very similar to someone I just had met.  Keep in mind that Megan is bi, and most likely a little enamored with Carlie.  In the hands of talented actors, I truly believe that just about every single dialogue line would come off sounding very real…and maybe that’s a problem that many purists in here have against it.  I’ve had people in here say that the dialogue came off better than any other script they’ve read, and then someone else will say that they think the dialogue sounds terrible. It’s all a matter of opinion and most likely how one reads the lines in his head.

Is this line or other lines “leading”?  Maybe…maybe they are.  But that’s what happens in movies…we’re lead along whichever path the writer and makers want to lead us.  I don’t find this line odd at all…I actually think it works in a number of ways.  It proves to be a bit of foreshadowing actually, as you find out later, in the closet scene.

Sorry you’re having issues keeping the characters straight.  I’m surprised actually…to me it’s very straight forward.  As I said earlier, I purposely used their names (and sometimes nick names) often so the audience would know what their names are. I don’t know what the problem could be here.  I’m definitely not going to axe a character, as every character is tied together in numerous ways and scenes.  I’d also hate to lose a good kill scene!

OK, cool, a Wolf Creek analogy.  Let’s see.  The problem with the REALLY SLOW buildup in WC was that there only were 3 characters.  It was definitely dull, and for the most part uneventful.  I absolutely love Greg Mclean, and think he’s a genius, but I definitely would not say the first half of WC was “superbly directed”.  Looking back, as I’ve commented many times, it definitely “worked”, but that’s only in retrospect and in the big picture.  The slow build made the BANG that much more intense in WC, and that’s something I’m going for here as well, but I wanted it to be more engaging, and involve a lot more characters (and kills).

YES…an Eden Lake analogy also!  Love it!  Eden Lake did have an almost painfully slow build, and it involved only 2 characters…that’s why it was painfully slow…not enough going on.  Check this out…OK, so we’ve got 2 characters onscreen for 10 minutes, talking.  5 minutes each, right?  Now, we’ve got 8 characters onscreen for 15 minutes, talking.  Less than 2 minutes each, many more opportunities for multi layered conversations, back and forths, etc.  The 10 minute scene with 2 characters is going to play much slower than the 15 minute scene with 8 characters…for sure!  I absolutely loved Eden Lake BTW!  Just brutal, gut wrenching, reality horror.  Extremely powerful, but also extremely ugly and unflinching.

Friday the 13th isn’t the best example, because you know up front that basically every single character is there simply to be killed or put up a fight with Jason.  Know what I mean?  Any slasher flick isn’t going to be an apples to apples comparison.  Sure, my script does share some slasher personalities, but it’s so much more and so different in its approach.

Yes, I love Wrong Turn.  Biggest disappointment for me was the fact that we lost 2 characters so quickly and only had a few left for the majority of the script.  The vagrant that is killed on page 11 is simply to get you thinking that Tobias is in town…or maybe, some will think it’s Danny, but then they’ll think it would be too obvious and nothing else points a guilty finger at him until he “comes out”, making that reveal more powerful, IMO.

I disagree here about standard screenwriting philosophies, etc.  Senseless killings occur all the time in horror movies…all the time!  I don’t agree with what you’re saying here at all.  No, AP had no influence on me whatsoever.

As you now know, Carlie’s cutesy ways are there for a reason, for sure.  I actually think she’s a quirky, goofy, cool character any way you look at her.  Maybe it’s just me, though.

Again, as you now know, Carlie is definitely not being set up for a slaughter…just the opposite, actually.  But, what you’re saying here, actually makes me quite happy because this is exactly what I was after, in what you were thinking.

Thanks for catching that typo!  Typos drive me crazy!  Can’t believe they continue to pop up every now and then. Corrected now, thanks!

Cool, glad you liked that exchange.  I like it also.  I think it gives both Johnny and Janelle a lot of life…and realism.

Yes, I am stubborn.  I have serious beliefs that I feel strongly about.  I’m a Taurus, and being bullheaded is one of my qualities (hmmm, I guess that’s not much of a quality, huh?).

The banter may come off as pointless, but IMO, it’s really not.  It’s just giving some life to our characters.  They’re normal, everyday people who are on vacation, partying it up with their friends, and loving life for the time being.  Nothing more, nothing less.

Hostel was an early influence for sure.  It was definitely 2 movies in 1, and it was indeed about 40 minutes or so until anything of importance really happened.  Most critics lambasted it for this, but IMO, it was brilliant and a big reason why the twist hit so hard, when it hit.

Why do you say Johnny and Janelle’s relationship is doomed?  You don’t know that at this point.  Same goes for Martin and Janelle’s relationship.  It could go either way here…and the setup is that 1 or all of these 3 will be there to save the day (possibly).

Jake scaring Lisa plays into the woodshed scene when Danny cons Lisa into going out with him.  He has a tendency of doing this, and that’s why Lisa isn’t totally freaked when Jake isn’t simply waiting for her in the shed...she thinks he’s hiding and waiting to scare her again.  I actually think this works pretty well.

I always believe that more is better than less, and I’d rather have more, so that cuts can be made, than to have too little and have to make tacked on additions.

Exactly…what…I…was…after!  You know, Andrew, there’s no mathematical formula for it, but my intent here is to maximize the shock of the wood shed kill.  Did I overdo it with my build up?  Maybe.  But then again, if this scene came sooner, it may not have the impact that it does, and the power of this revelation, IMO, is worth the long strained ride up the hill.  From here on out (for the most part), everything comes hard and fast, and it definitely is supposed to feel like a completely different movie with the same characters.

Yeah, at this point, I want you to start thinking…or rethinking everything you were thinking about each character.  Carlie, for sure (more on that in a minute, when you address this).

Glad you liked the Nicole tantrum.  I think this is quite funny and will come across well onscreen.

Post 3 response…

Cool, exactly what I was after.

Yes, I wanted each to have their own thoughts about whether or not Carlie is in on it.  It could go either way at this point.  Some will fear for her, others will be waiting for her to do something.

Yeah, now the whole Danny & Carlie thing has lots of paths to take.  I’m glad you feel different now. That’s how I felt in WC.  I kept saying to myself, “what the fuck?  Where is this going?  When is it going to get there?”  When it got there, I felt so different…in a good way.

I understand why you would say that morphing 2 completely different movies together is an issue, but you know I disagree and this was definitely my plan all along.   I think different is good. I applaud anything that tries to be different.  Hell yes, I am definitely a different breed, and I’m happy about that.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Glad you liked Lisa’s demise. I think it’s quite brutal and rather unique.  Danny’s a big guy, Lisa’s a small girl. Plus, Danny has a shitload of adrenaline pumping through him, as well as the “empowerment” from X, that you’ll hear about later.

What do you think about the whistling of Somewhere over the Rainbow?  Kinda eerie?

Cool, yes, as I said earlier, I wanted there to be a definite element of doubt about Carlie.

Did you like Megan’s near killing in the closet? Did it play out well and keep you guessing about Carlie’s true intentions?

Nicole’s gone.  I wanted to throw in some more total nudity here as well…not often you see a butt naked babe stabbed to death..

Just wanted to add a little life to Officer Jacobs, with the wife phone conversation.  Wanted you routing for him a bit, and at this point, I don’t think it’s written in stone that he won’t take out at least 1 of them…right?

Cool, yeah, wanted to keep you guessing about any and all the characters.  Will they save the day?  Get killed as well, or maybe even turn out to be in on the massacre?

Funny, this is exactly why I used the brand name Le Creuset.  Classic, high quality French cookware.  I personally have over 20 pieces.  It’s the real deal.  Wild colors, and heavy as all fuck!  Easily a killing tool that no one has implemented yet (as far as I know).

Al, Reginald Vel Johnson?  Funny!  Officer Jacobs is a good guy…just way underprepared for what he encounters.  Durango is a sleepy town.  Crime is low and he’s just way out of his element.

A lot of people have said that Martin and Janelle were their favorite characters.  I think they’re definitely 2 of the best for sure.  But if you weren’t feeling them, then I understand why you’re not that into them, or worried about their fates.

Were you surprised with Martin’s demise?

Yeah, I threw a little over the top humor here, but I wanted to tie this back into the airport scene when Carlie trips and Danny calls her a Klutzo.

Cool, glad the finale with Danny and Janelle worked for you.  I’ve rewritten that scene a bunch of times and am pretty happy with it now.

Many didn’t get that X was indeed, Satan.  And many agree with you that this scene is misplaced or doesn’t carry the bang that I think it does.  I’ve tried lots of ways of getting it in here earlier, but nothing works like this does, IMO.  I like it because it’s another twist that no one sees coming and it makes you rethink (again) everything you just read (or watched).  It changes the feel in what just went down, and of course, opens it up for a sequel (actually 2 sequels!).

Post 4 comments…

Andrew, thank you so much for all this detailed and well thought out feedback.  Hope it didn’t ruin your Friday night.

Yeah, I’m bummed that people find the X scene tagged on, cause it’s not.  I wish I could figure out a way to give it the impact that I feel it carries.

As for Bobby and Jill, I really like them.  I think they add some needed humor, and their back and forth banter really comes off as funny.  What did you think of Jill’s sled dog ride to near death?  I think it will be a great visual!  What about Bobby’s reveal?  Didn’t you sense that something just wasn’t right about the way he was acting?

As for the notion of selling one’s soul for a killing spree, I wanted readers (and viewers) to contemplate this after they’ve finished reading/watching.  I think there are a lot of things to consider after it’s all said and done, and that was my intent.

I went for a missing scenes thing after the credits start rolling. Kinda like Wild Things did, which I thought was quite ingenious.  It’s also so the butts stay in their seats and actually watch the credits, which doesn’t happen very often.  The reveal about the red bag, the explosive device and actual car crash, D & C’s little banter about whether or not they were going to go through with it and take out the kids, the reason Jake didn’t pull into the garage (which would definitely be the first scene to hit the cutting room floor – but this is actually important because if they had parked in the garage, things would have played out much differently, as Johnny would have pulled in as well, and Martin wouldn’t have been shot, and would have lived (possibly) to reveal what went down), Carlie taking the knife upstairs (again, not really necessary), Danny placing the fire poker on the kitchen island (didn’t you think it was really weird that a fire poker happened to be conveniently lying on the island when Janelle rushes in?), and then the final wrap up with Carlie being Carlie, and goofily going on about how nice the Schaefer house was.

Again, man, thanks so much for all this.  I’d be happy to go over anything else you want to.  Take care, Andrew

Jeff,

Here goes:

Quoted from Dreamscale Not sure what you really mean or why you have problems about Jake saying, “You’re seriously pissing me off.”  It’s such a simple little line (and is also the 2nd of 2 lines that are spoken together here).  It also seems to shut Nicole up for the time being, so if nothing else, it worked for Jake.

It's just too obvious. There's no drama in saying the exact thing he is feeling, y'know. This is actually symptomatic of a lot of this dialogue - it just feels like real talk, instead of film 'real talk'. I want to see characters that are larger than life, but still believable. "You're seriously pissing me off" is something I could hear everyday, and I don't want this with my film characters. There's a tightrope with getting it right, and this just falls on the wrong side, for me.

Quoted from Dreamscale There’s not much about The Dark Knight that I enjoyed.

Come on! I know it's not to everyone's taste, but that does sound like an angsty rebellion-type comment!

Quoted from Dreamscale Andrew, I seriously think that a number of posters just don’t get the dialogue, based on the way they’re reading it in their heads.  Here’s my angle on this line and others like it.  First of all, people do say this kind of thing.  I’ve actually personally said something very similar to someone I just had met.  Keep in mind that Megan is bi, and most likely a littler enamored with Carlie.  In the hands of talented actors, I truly believe that just about every single dialogue line would come off sounding very real…and maybe that’s a problem that many purists in here have against it.  I’ve had people in here say that the dialogue came off better than any other script they’ve read, and then someone else will say that they think the dialogue sounds terrible. It’s all a matter of opinion and most likely how one reads the lines in his head.

I don't think it's a matter of 'getting it', I think it's just a case - for me - that the dialogue simply doesn't work. I know what you are doing with it, but it's just too much, too syrupy, and too ass-clenchingly annoying. Overstating the nature of Danny and Carlie's relationship with the ending in mind is understandable, but - for me - you've just overdone it. This notion that if people don't like it, is 'cos they don't 'get it' is not going to help this get made! Having read the comments now, I can see that the vast majority are in agreement that your bar scene/Danny and Carlie building needs a dramatic overhaul, so I think you need to ask yourself why that is - do all of these people not 'get it', or do they simply not like it. I know I am the latter, and suspect the others are as well. Considering the readers here are a fair barometer of who your intended audience is, I would think you have some food for thought.

Quoted from Dreamscale Is this line or other lines “leading”?  Maybe…maybe they are.  But that’s what happens in movies…we’re lead along whichever path the writer and makers want to lead us.  I don’t find this line odd at all…I actually think it works in a number of ways.  It proves to be a bit of foreshadowing actually, as you find out later, in the closet scene.

Yep, leading is necessary, but the issue here - for me - is that it's too contrived, y'know. The story should organically lead us to its conclusion via a twist or turn, but here we have signposts telling where to go.

Quoted from Dreamscale Sorry you’re having issues keeping the characters straight.  I’m surprised actually…to me it’s very straight forward.  As I said earlier, I purposely used their names (and sometimes nick names) often so the audience would know what their names are. I don’t know what the problem could be here.  I’m definitely not going to axe a character, as every character is tied together in numerous ways and scenes.  I’d also hate to lose a good kill scene!

Haha, and your kill scenes are good, so I would understand why you wouldn't want to lose one!

This was a big problem, however. I think it's 'cos you introduce the characters too quickly - 8 in half a page, if I remember and with a talented director you could bypass the problem on screen, but the problem is it's difficult for the reader to imagine the big picture here, 'cos we have a fairly bog standard set of teens intro'd all at once. If you are absolutely going to keep the characters, then at least alter the intro'ing to these characters. I'm not surprised that they're clear for you - you did write them after all - but remember that we are not privy to what's inside your head, but only what's on the page.

Quoted from Dreamscale OK, cool, a Wolf Creek analogy.  Let’s see.  The problem with the REALLY SLOW buildup in WC was that there only were 3 characters.  It was definitely dull, and for the most part uneventful.  I absolutely love Greg Mclean, and think he’s a genius, but I definitely would not say the first half of WC was “superbly directed”.  Looking back, as I’ve commented many times, it definitely “worked”, but that’s only in retrospect and in the big picture.  The slow build made the BANG that much more intense in WC, and that’s something I’m going for here as well, but I wanted it to be more engaging, and involve a lot more characters (and kills).

We're going to have to agree to disagree on this one!

Quoted from Dreamscale Friday the 13th isn’t the best example, because you know up front that basically every single character is there simply to be killed or put up a fight with Jason.  Know what I mean?  Any slasher flick isn’t going to be an apples to apples comparison.  Sure, my script does share some slasher personalities, but it’s so much more and so different in its approach.

The problem here is in perception, 'cos I feel that your script is effectively a slasher, and that your characters are infact - largely - hollow like the 'Friday 13th' characters. Again, in your head this may be different, but on the page, I see nothing to suggest otherwise. I mean, the bar scene is a perfect articulation of the low-brow activity your characters engage in. Sure, there's nothing wrong with that, but it'd hardly creating a distinguishable atmosphere from 'Friday 13th'.

Quoted from Dreamscale The vagrant that is killed on page 11 is simply to get you thinking that Tobias is in town…or maybe, some will think it’s Danny, but then they’ll think it would be too obvious and nothing else points a guilty finger at him until he “comes out”, making that reveal more powerful, IMO.

This is a good point.

Quoted from Dreamscale Many didn’t get that X was indeed, Satan.  And many agree with you that this scene is misplaced or doesn’t carry the bang that I think it does.  I’ve tried lots of ways of getting it in here earlier, but nothing works like this does, IMO.  I like it because it’s another twist that no one sees coming and it makes you rethink (again) everything you just read (or watched).  It changes the feel in what just went down, and of course, opens it up for a sequel (actually 2 sequels!).

Haha, glad that you've got the future mapped out Perhaps with that in mind it's understandable that you want to keep Xavier as brief as possible so that you can afford him a whole deal more time in sequels, but if that comes at the expense of your all-important first film, is it worth it? I personally don't think it is. The glaring problems at the moment is that Danny/Carlie just kill, with no real reason - sure, they've 'sold their souls', but why? People don't take these decisions with no solid rationale. If you insist on keeping Xavier a secret to the end, then at least show Danny/Carlie struggling or wrestling with a problem to articulate why they would take such a dastardly turn. And, seeing as they've chosen that path, at least make it a subtle transition, 'cos they take to the killing like duck to water, and that isn't logical.

Part 2 to come.

Andrew

Part 2:

Quoted from Dreamscale What do you think about the whistling of Somewhere over the Rainbow?  Kinda eerie?

Yep, there was definitely an eerie quality to this. As you Americans might say, this guy is a real "douche". On a side note, words like that just sound so funny. I imagine you guys find some of our words similarly odd, for example, "twat" must sound odd!

Quoted from Dreamscale Cool, yes, as I said earlier, I wanted there to be a definite element of doubt about Carlie.

There was definitely a degree of doubt - I think you handled this section well.

Quoted from Dreamscale Were you surprised with Martin’s demise?

Not really. I think it was inevitable really, but I read somewhere else that his death was a bit too quick, but I liked it. Most of the deaths were handled very well. A real strength to this script.

Quoted from Dreamscale Yeah, I’m bummed that people find the X scene tagged on, cause it’s not.  I wish I could figure out a way to give it the impact that I feel it carries.

With a changing of that first half, I think you could address this problem. For me, I think your first act should do this:

- Set up Danny/Carlie as the protagonists, but show that they have problems and this is an undercurrent threatening this trip. It would also help address why they will do what they do - if you write this skillfully enough, it will be one of those moments when you look back and think - yeah, I should've seen that coming. Their whole spree will have more resonance then.

- Establish the omnipotent danger of Xavier. You mention him once, and this isn't enough. Just thinking out loud, but would he work better as God? It touches slightly on 'A Life Less Ordinary' and 'Frailty', but is a little more shocking than the Devil.

- Give some purpose to Jake et al. At the moment they're a little floating, y'know - lacking purpose, and we need a discernible reason to care for them.

- Create a foreboding. You initially do this very well, but then we simply get lost in the bar/establishing, and you squander your very strong opening.

- Finally, the first half should just feel more at home with the second half, and not as much as a splice. You need to work on fusing these two segments together, and creating a seamless flow.

There is a lot of potential here, Jeff. I think you need to drop the notion that this is 'fresh', however, 'cos 'Hostel' was fresh, but this is clearly reactionary to that movie. I think you need to be more in love with the story, and less with making a statement.

I hope that none of this comes across as harsh, 'cos my only intention is to help you out. Also, these are only my thoughts, and others may disagree, plus I am hardly making movies, so it's not gospel. That being said, I am a fervent watcher of movies, and my opinions are based on a 'feel' for what works, and the experience of seeing good and bad movies.

Best of luck with this, Jeff.

Andrew

Hey Dreamscale,

Just finished reading it... I did try to read it a while back but got put off by the first and second scene, I got the impression it was a comedy/horror. Saying that though, having read it all the way through, I'm quite mad at myself for not going all the way first time.

The only problems I had was when Cyndi gets attacked, "Cyndi hoists herself up and out of the pool" then in the next paragraph her foot is still in the water causing her to jolt up and out, I thought she already got out? ...and the boom box gets renamed to music box when it sinks. Just those little parts I picked up on.

Now the plus parts, the scenes were written brilliantly, dialogue was great, sometimes unrealistic in certain parts, and the twist at the end was great. As for Carlie & Danny, I think their fakeness (I got the impression that they're not all there - bit like the mad woman in 'Misery' and the couple in the beginning/end of Pulp Fiction who hold up the restaurant.)

For me the story had a lot of elements smiliar to: The Shinning, American Psycho, Fight Club, Scream and possibly The Rise of Leslie Vernan.

Oh yeah, I enjoyed the Bar Scene, though not really contributing anything to the story it does bide time for D & C to arrive and meet the crew and the story is pretty entertaining, love the part where he shouts "thank you very much" haha I could visualise that perfectly.

Leaving Martin in the car opened up a possible hero moment, but loved how he got blown away haha it was great! Also enjoyed the confusion technique, been done a few times but still very effective, I see you added your own touch in there.

Also I liked the way you had Bobby and Jill's little thing going on, without them maybe Martin would have survived or helped his friend? Since it's through Bobby calling the Police; Also during the dialogue between the Police officer and operator, shouldn't the operator dialogue be off screen (O.S) and when the characters are talking in their cars, should'nt it have TRAVELING in the slug? - Sorry I'm just getting into the more technical format to try and imporve myself.

I did actually get the story and everything straight off. I liked how it all ties together, just had to re-read some parts as sometimes somethings are easily missed.

Hey Andrew, just wanted to thank you again for all the time you've devoted to this, and throw out a few more things in response to your responses.

I don't want you or anyone else to think that my saying that certain people "don't get the dialogue" to mean that it's over their heads or anything of the sort (cause it's obviously not meant to be over anyone's head!). What I mean by "not getting it" is that I think you're not reading it (or hearing it in your head) the way I see it, speak it, and hear it.  Subtle inflections here and there make a big difference in dialogue working or not working for someone.  Same goes with pacing and interaction between actors and action.  Same goes with Americans vs. non Americans in terms of phrasings, words, and the like.

I know you and many others in here don't care for "real talk", and I understand that, for the most part.  What I don't understand is how so many love the dialogue, while so many others don't even like it at all.  For me, things either work or they don't work, and there're very few instances when I'm on the fence.  I mean, I can read a few pages of any script and tell you immediately whether or not the dialogue comes off as realistic or completely unrealistic.  It's obviously a completely different story when it comes down to whether or not what's being said is dull, meaningless, or flat out stupid.

Finally, as I said before, I am stubborn, and I know that.  I have a definite rebellious attitude toward most things, but I truly don't let that influence whether or not I like something or not.  Dark Knight is a perfect example. First of all, I am not a Batman or any comic type fan. I am a fan of big budget action flicks, and I don't even care if they're completely realistic or not.  As long as they entertain me, I'm cool with it.  Dark Knight did not entertain me...at all.  I found it to be downright dull, completely repetitive, involved way too many plots that felt like they were thrown in from nowhere, and about an hour or so too long.  I remember thinking to myself, when the ferry subplot came in near the end, "Oh my God, you've got to be kidding me...when is this thing going to end?".

That's probably why there are so many different types of movies, cause there's usually a home for all of them out there somewhere.

We'll see.  Thanks again, man!

Hey Peter, thanks for reading and commenting.  Glad you liked it and it worked for you.

It’s definitely not supposed to be a comedy in any way, but I did definitely try to insert a number of humorous aspects and scenes.  Everything is supposed to be taken very seriously, but I feel that humor still has a home and helps to change the tone every now and then.

OK, here’s the deal with Cyndi’s death scene. “At the same instant it hits the water, Cyndi hoists herself up and out of the pool.”  So literally at the same instant that the boom box hits the water, Cyndi is “hoisting” herself out, so that her foot is still in the water…she’s not completely out yet, as it hits.  The boom box being renamed to music box is just so it’s not the exact same phrase as before.

Thanks for the compliments here.  As for Danny and Carlie, they’re not supposed to be fake.  In normal life, this is how they act…this is who they are.  They’re cute, goofy, and totally in love with each other.  Many think I laid it on too thick, but based on who these characters really are, I didn’t lay anything on that’s out of character for them.  I guess people just don’t like really goofy, overly nice, loving couples.  What can I say?

I am not familiar with “The Rise of Leslie Vernan”.  What is that all about?

Cool!  Totally glad you enjoyed the bar scene…most don’t.  What you said is exactly what I was after there, so it’s good to know some appreciate it for what it is.  I like the “Thank you very much” line also. I actually laugh when I read that line.

I also like Martin’s demise.  Glad it worked for you too.

Again, many do not like the Bobby and Jill characters.  Glad you did.  I think they work well and add some humor to their scenes, and I really like the visual of the dog sled ride for Jill.

The police operator’s dialogue is V.O. (voice over) cause she’s not just offscreen…she’s not anywhere near the scene.

I don’t use something like “Travelling” in a slug, but some do.  It’s an INT shot, so it doesn’t really come into play, unless you’re talking about having scenery going by through the windows…and here, it’s night and it’s dumping, so you’re not going to see much outside the windows, other than snow falling.

Cool!  Very happy you got the ending and appreciated how everything was tied together.  Yeah, some things are easily missed!  Tell me about it!

Thanks, Peter.  Your thoughts and time are much appreciated.

Take care, man.

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernan, is a documentary style movie about a serial killer who plans to kill a group of teenagers when they stay at a cabin. They plan it thoroughly on all the possibilities on how to approach murdering everyone (Kind of like how Carlie and Danny know when it's the right time to kill them and not let on) ...Though the movie has an excellent twist, I wont say but you should watch it if you can get your hands on it.

For me Danny and Carlie did seem rather full on, and thats why I referred to them as either fake or something wrong with them. They seem to live their lives in a bubble, and within that weird bubble, they have a dark side of killing which they seem to rather enjoy. Kind of why I referred to the woman (can't remember her name) from Stephen King's Misery, acting as if everything is normal and hunky dory, when things are the total opposite.

I think people just have a problem with their dialogue and interaction with each other is that it doesn't conform with what they're expecting a couple to be like, as there aren't many goofy people who are full on around living in normal day to day life. That's why for me the other characters dialogue was pretty spot on but C & D's wasn't due to being totally different type of personalities.

i have read  most  of this sofar, and i am going to finish it tonight..

just like to comment, that it is a well put together script.. the only problem i have is i didn't like many of the characters exept Carlie, o and cyndi.. but naked hmm.. was hoping for some action but nevermind.

the dialougue was good, understandable.. although the bar scene was a drag, and i thought it was kindof sleepy.. but very good job indeed..

il comment more, once i have finished it tonight, i am just wandering tho will there be a fade to black ? lol

Jeff, i just finished your script. I started reading it ready to take page by page notes. I got to page 8. I didn't feel the snow being shoved in Carlie's mouth felt right. If she saw it coming and says "you better not" would it still be open?
only note I took.

I decided, especially being amateur at this, to just read it for entertainment and to learn, like i do with produced scripts. Took me three nights, night one to pg 25. and night 2 to pg. 50. After the bodies started to roll i was hooked and blew through the rest of it.

I'm gonna mull this over in my mind tomorrow while I'm running my machine. That's what i do as a machinist in C-town and then post my comments.

But, i would like to ask, have you had any bites on this yet? I didn't read all the comments, you've got 210, So if this was discussed just say it's been referenced. I think it does need work early, but your payoff is far more intelligent and interesting then 70% of horror i see on film everyday. It made it worth the read.

Great work, You've definitely got some skill. I will post more tomorrow....    James

Hey Chris, thanks for getting started and posting your thoughts so far.  How far along are you?  I have a feeling you're not that far into it yet.

Sorry you don't like the characters, but I am happy you like Carlie, as she's obviously a main one.  You like Cyndi's brief nude role?  You'll like Nicole's character more after she gets naked, probably.  Megan briefly shows some goods as well...hopefully you'll like them better after these scenes.

Thanks again.