Led, wanted to reply to your replies.  Thanks again for taking the time to read and provide feedback.  It’s nice to hear all angles.

Well, looks like this is 1 of those 10% kills, then.  Maybe the % should go up, if the throat stabbed dude is left outside in freezing temps for 24 hours plus.

Led, I’m only explaining it because you asked for details.  No spec script will be able to provide in depth details on things that only come into play for a few seconds.  These are not unfilmables at all.  Unfilmables are emotions, asides, and back story that a viewing audience would never know.  In this case, in a filmed version, you’d know the size of the pool immediately, as well as any other pertinent details just from a quick glance.

The writing should provide a picture for the reader, but the details of that picture are up to each reader’s imagination.  For instance, when describing a house, do you ever get measurements?  No, of course not.  If it’s described as “massive”, then you need to envision a “massive” house.  Same thing with the pool, in this example.  It really doesn’t matter how big the pool is, or how long the boom box cord is.  In a filmed version, they will be whatever size makes sense for the action to take place the way it’s written…or rewritten to accommodate whatever size pool is being used.  Know what I mean?

OK, back to the damn cord.  I’m looking at my BOSE Wave Radio/CD Player (a boom box) right now.  The cord it comes with is approximately 10 feet long.  But there’s no reason to believe the cord in my script isn’t longer…like 15 feet.  The prose reads, “The extension cord pulls out from the wall outlet, as the music box sinks below the surface.”  To me, this means the cord isn’t very long…as it starts to sink, the cord pulls out…as in quickly.  Sorry you don’t see this.  Maybe I’ll give it another look and try to clarify the writing a bit.

I did show that Cyndi did not feel the full effect of the shock. She was thrown out on the decking.  She was not physically hurt.  She eventually got to her feet and ran for the door.  If she had been electrocuted more completely, she wouldn’t be able to do what she did.

I tried to be as accurate as I could, while still remaining in movie land, where there are lots more possibilities that offer much more entertainment.

I could do dream sequence here with Marshall thinking about being an Orca, Marlin, or even a Sword fish, jumping around in the ocean.  On 2nd thought, let’s just leave that part here, in the discussion thread.

How close Tobias is to Cyndi, when he approaches, will depend on how big the pool is.  In my example, he’s some 30 feet away or so.  I’m not sure why this doesn’t make sense to you, Led.  I’m also not sure why it’s such a point of contention for you.  I’m only explaining because you asked me to.  I do not mean to sound condescending at all.  You asked how big the pool was, so I tried to give you some info so that you could picture this scene easier.

Not sure what you mean about “cohesiveness of the story”, referring to why Joey would be in bed already.  Glad you like the story.  This is merely the intro, and really doesn’t set the stage for anything, as only 1 of these characters even shows up again.

Yes, of course I wrote it, but when it comes to dialogue, you have to understand that people say the funniest things sometimes.  Dialogue does not have to be grammatically correct, like the rest of the script does.  It doesn’t have to be factually correct either.  BTW, in WIKI, it says that the Flight Deck of an aircraft is called a cockpit.  In other words, the term “flight deck” can be used interchangeably with “cockpit”.  When I originally wrote this, I didn’t like how it sounded using “cockpit”.

I hear ya…I’m anal as well…just not that anal, I guess (LOL).

What’s not a bad thing?  I don’t understand.

I appreciate your compliment here.  I also appreciate people who think about their comments and provide potential issues.  This kind of stuff really helps me.  I actually do have literally everything worked out in my head, so if something seems odd, I like hearing about it, so I can make sure that what I’m picturing really makes sense.

I hate feedback that says, “Great job”.  We see way too many of these and they don’t do anyone any good…ever.  So, keep up the real feedback, Shawn, and say exactly what you want to say.

Thanks again for the compliment, Led.  You will gain the filters as you continue writing.  But filters aren’t always such a good thing.  I try to be as raw and brutal as I think is acceptable…or barely acceptable.

Thanks man, hope you like the ending.

I wonder, what does this look like now?

anything drastic since I last read it.

I added 23 new kills, an alien invasion, and a rather long scene in which a baby elephant searches for its mother, but otherwise, no changes.

Quoted from DS I added 23 new kills, an alien invasion, and a rather long scene in which a baby elephant searches for its mother, but otherwise, no changes.

Sounds like I might have to give it a read. Does that bit with the kid still happen near the start, or is he involved in this invasion business? 23? Bit overkill. Mind you, the baby elephant scene has got me intrigued anyway.  

HaHa...I was kidding about the additions.  Sorry, Rendevous.

Have you read this already?  I don't think you have.  There is a bit with a kid in the intro...how'd you know?

You'll have to wait for the baby elephant scene in another script, but I'll make sure to include it somewhere.

No baby elephant? Doh! Next you'll be telling me there's no alien invasion either...

I did have a read a while ago. Got to about page 20 but I tuned out. Not my cup of tea, I like a little sugar.

Gotcha...no problem.  There is quite a bit of sugar though, actually.  In fact many have said that page 5-40 is nothing but sugar...and way too sweet at that.

That's cool.

Ah now. I get the feeling you'd like me to cast my beady eyes upon it. Alright so. I'm just having a look at Good Cop Bad Cop for Jayrx / Javier. Once done I'll start on FTW.
In the meantime you can have a look at my Attachments script if you like. It's considerable shorter than yours, the script that it. Might be a bit too sweet too. There's a serious lack of kills. Although one is horrific IMH. Anyways, your opinion would be valued. It's getting a rewrite over the next few days so any input would be appreciated. Whaddya reckon?

Sounds like a plan.  I love all the feedback I can get.  All viewpoints are welcome...especially from those that don't normally like horror.

I will read your script...maybe even tonight.  Detailed feedback to follow.

Take care.

Dreamscale, I believe it's Jeff isn't it?

Good man, it'll be appreciated no matter what you comment. I'll read FTW tomorrow and get back to you. I ain't a horror fan on the whole. I've pretty much disliked most of the horror scripts I've read on SS so far. I read one by Baltis and that was pretty good, but he was leaning towards Lynch so that suckered me in proper. You can't go wrong with me and Lynch. I wish he made more films.

Horror's a tough one to get right on the page I imagine. For the record the Horror films I do like are The Exorcist, Alien (sci-fi I know but it's one of the scariest movies I ever saw), Psycho, Silence of the Lambs (some folks think it's a thriller, it is but it's a horror in my little book) and maybe the original Hitcher, petrified me when I saw it as a kid. Now you'll have an idea where I'm at.

I see you've had well over 7000 views here. How did you do that? And just out of interest have you passed this on to those folks with the cheque books and green lights for perusal?

Oh yeah. You love Eyes Wide Shut don't you? Part of me does too. I just wish the Cruise could stop repeating whatever has been said to him. Kubrick, if you're listening, you're not finished editing yet, come back, you're sorely missed.

Yeah, it’s Jeff.  What’s yours?

I should have yours done tonight, and comments tonight or tomorrow.  No hurry on your end, bud.

Well, you’re exactly the audience I’m after, actually.  Step right up.  Seriously, my goal with this is to push the boundaries of horror and attract a wider audience base…horror/thriller/hybrid/whatever.  Actually, it could be classified a number of ways.  It will be very interesting to see what you think of it, and if you call it horror, or something else…and if you love it or hate it.

Not a big Lynch fan here, but I can see why people really dig his stuff.

Alien’s awesome and 1 of my favorites.  Also, really like Silence of the Lambs, but I wouldn’t classify that as horror, although many do.  Original Hitcher sure was better than the weakass remake.  Saw the original at the theater and liked it.

I read a lot of scripts and try to give detailed, honest feedback, and I guess I get a lot of reads based on that.  Oh yeah…and I beg a lot!  For really positive reviews, I’ve even been known to send a liter of Jagermeister…negative reviews receive nothing but my scorn and loathing.

Always trying to promote it to anyone that matters.  It’s a tough road, but I’m wicked confident and I just won’t give up the dream.  We’ll see…a few potential things are in the works, but a few potential things have also fallen through.  Forward we march!

Yeah, I really loved Eyes Wide Shut.  I think it was masterfully done, in every way I can think of.  Acting was some of the best I’ve ever seen, in terms of being real.  Sure, it was slow as shit and weird as shit as well, but overall, it just really worked, and had so many memorable scenes.  Not my usual type of movie that I like, but this one really worked for me.

Hope you enjoy the read, or at least not hate it.  Take care, man.

I'll give it another read if you email me the NEWEST draft.

Yo, Slabby!  I think you've already read this draft.  3 lines into page 116?

I've got something I started on awhile back that you can look at, if you want.  Only about 13 pages and it's missing some scenes, as well.  Let me know.

What's up with your Fade?

PM me...no reason to chat on this thread...may scare readers away!

Quoted from DS I read a lot of scripts and try to give detailed, honest feedback, and I guess I get a lot of reads based on that.  Oh yeah…and I beg a lot!  For really positive reviews, I’ve even been known to send a liter of Jagermeister…negative reviews receive nothing but my scorn and loathing.

- the negative review bit made laugh.

I doubt anyone will ever criticise or argue with your honesty.

I've read a good few of your reviews. You certainly review a lot of scripts so kudos for that. But, I did note you seem to stop reading early on with the ones that suffer from typos / format problems. I like to give a good detailed review myself but only on the ones I finish. If I really hated a script or if I've nothing positive to say then I say nothing. This is only my view on such - when I was a newbie around here I was gutted when I got my first bad review, from the sounds of it the reviewer got to page three before giving up. My crushed soul rebounded about five minutes as I happened to have a job where I surrounded by mainly bitchy troubled tossers, this made my skin thicker than most.

You can review my script any way you like Jeff, all I'm trying to say here is that on occasion you seem a bit harsh to some. Hey, I know they should know better than to post a script up that's full of typos and errors and, let's be honest, frankly and utterly crap but, I try and sugar my bad points with at least a few good things. Most of even the worst of scripts have had some love put in them.

Rant over. Hmmm. I probably should have saved that thought until after you posted your review of my script. Oh dear. Bang goes my litre of beer...

Back to FTW. You never mentioned how you garned so many views or if / when you'll send it to the big boys.

As for EWS I'd waited years for that movie. Loved it the first time, but even then that 'I will redeem him' line left a funny taste in my mouth. Bloody shame SK died when he did. Repeated viewings of it just aren't as good as ACO, FMJ, BL, 2001ASO, DS - OHILTSALTB, Shining, Lolita. All those I still watch to this very day. It's just EWS I struggle with. Stop saying all the lines back Tom! Please, I'm fecking begging you...

I'll look forward to your review Jeff. I'll give FTW my beady eye tomorrow.

Hey Rendevous, I'm taking this to PM...maybe this is how I get 7,000 views...LOL!