So I decided to give your script a read, since there is over 20 pages of comments I thought I should check it out. I didn't read any of the other reviews so I'm sorry if some of what I'm saying is repeated.  

I really dug your script for the most part. I love a talky movie when the dialog is good and your dialog is pretty excellent.  

However I have a couple issues.

I guess this one isn't that big of a deal but on the top of page 11 you have a damn mangy cat false "scare". Your script is to solid for this tiresome cliche'. Another is your use of the "Fade to white" transition.  I understand what you are going for but I would imagine it would get redundant watching the movie and have to watch scenes fade to white repeatedly when I just wanna get back to the action. I think maybe you should only use it at the end of the opening and the end of the film...it would have more of an impact.  

I guess my biggest problem though comes from the ending. I'm not really sure what you were going for here, you have the credits start ten pages before the actual ending, and I just don't understand why.  When the credits start to roll in a theater its kind of like telling the audience "it's over, you can leave now" but the last pages tie everything together and give the characters their motives so I don't understand why you would do that.  

I hope I helped out some. It was a fun read, good luck with it.

-Tanner

Thanks for the read and comments, Tanner.  Totally appreciate it!

Glad you liked it.  Thanks for the nice compliment about the dialogue.  I too enjoy talky movies when the dialogue sounds real, and I definitely made a point to do this here.

The "jump scare", or "cheap scare" with the cat early on is kind of a red herring, if you will.  I am not a big fan of these devices, as most aren't, but I do feel a few well placed scares like this work.  I really tried to buck the system in terms of structure and the like, but wanted to have a few old stand ins, like this.  IMO, since it's so early, it kinda throws you off for where we're going to go here, and what the ride is going to be like.  Point taken though for sure.

The "FADE TO WHITE" transitions are something I really like.  I tried not to go overboard, but maybe I did.  I don't think there's more than 4 or 5, but I could be off.  I think transitions are cool when done sparingly and...well, just cool.  You probably noticed my "snowflake" transitions as well.  I think these are pretty cool as well, and something rather unique.

The deal with the missing scenes while the credits roll is something people either like or dislike...or get or don't get.  There are a handful of movies that have done this.  My favorite (and the most effective, IMO) was "Wild Things".  It's just something different and a way to keep butts in their seats so the credits will actually be seen.  My aim is not have any opening credits, other than the title.  The reason I went for 20 second intervals is so that if anyone jumps out of their seat to leave, they'll hear that the movie isn't actually over before they've actually exited the theater, and hopefully sit their big asses back down.  I really enjoy when a movie gives something "extra" after the movie proper is over.

Thanks again, man!  Anything you want looked at?  Let me know.

Hey no problem, always nice to read a good horro script.
If you could check out my script in my sig I'd really appreciate it.

OK, Tanner, I've seen it and I think I read a few pages of it even.  I follow pretty much every horror script posted here.

I'll be out of town until Monday night, so I'll try to get to it next week.

Enjoy the long weekend!

I read through this almost in one sitting...almost.  Had to put it down a few times, but I'll get into the why's later.  You keep saying in several of the many posts here that you're trying to break the mold, buck the system, do something different...so I have to ask.  Was "A Perfect Getaway" an inspiration for you?  'Cause it kinda, to me, seems awfully similar.  Just sayin'.

Oh wait...never mind.  I checked and it seems it was originally posted in 2008.  Two years, wow -- does that seem like a long time to anyone else...?

...anyway...

I had a difficult time caring about the main characters.  Although I did kind of laugh at the "Not what the doctor ordered" line with the dog.  The victims were more gore-candy than anyone I might actually feel bad for.  I could be wrong, but isn't the point of a horror movie to scare the audience?  If we aren't emotionally invested in the victims, then really it's just gore-porn and not really horror now isn't it?

...oh well...

The dialogue came across as forced and even stilted in places. Several times I had to double check whose lines where whose because most of the characters sounded the same.

The "twist" at the end felt more like an explanation and not so much a twist.  Also...having the movie more or less spoon fed back to me in flashbacks at the end to get the point across didn't help.

After reading a few of the multitudinous posts for this script I can tell right away that you're going to argue every point I just made.  Which I could care less about at this point because I have to ask -- do you have any other scripts?

I think Me a few posts up said "Now you need to write a new feature though. We're waiting."  Well...I'm not exactly waiting, I don't really know you.  But you seem to think your kind of a big deal here and I can't help but wonder why?

You have the one script, yes, but it's been here for two years.  Was this it...your one good idea?  Is that why you've read so many scripts and asked others to return the favor with this one?  So your one good idea will stay at the top of the "Unproduced Screenplay Discussion" board?

To what end and purpose?  Has it been entered into a competition?  Been looked at by a production company?  If you haven't written anything else, and this hasn't won any contests or been optioned, why do you leave it up here relatively unchanged and then work so hard to keep it here?  Why not do something with it?

The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again each time expecting a different result.

I'm not saying your insane, but I agree with Me from the earlier post.  While you seem to read more than anyone else here, how about something new from you other than reviews?  Since Fade to White hasn't gone anywhere outside of this post, why not try a new script?  Just a thought...something to mull over while you're disagreeing with everything I've just said.

I'm sure you'll find me on the boards when my script finally posts, and I'm sure you'll have more than a few untoward things to say about it -- but before you do, I just want to say that everyone here is here for the same purpose.  To share their work with other writers (most of them unproduced) and to grow as a writer.  This isn't a popularity contest where only the cool kids (i.e. the mega posters) are allowed into the group is it?  Aren't we all allowed to learn from each other...to grow?  And aren't we all kind of on a level playing field...being most of us are unproduced?

Just something to think about.

The Angel of Death has descended on Simply Scripts!  Be afraid…be very afraid.

Dude, WTF is this all about?  I’m almost at a loss at how to respond…but don’t worry, I’ve got a few things to say.

It looks to me like the majority of this post is a personal attack on me, so I guess I’ll address those issues first.  Did I fuck your girlfriend, wife, or sister, or something of that nature?  Did I kick some sand in your face at the beach?  What’s up with all the non relevant personal attacks?

I’m not really much for arguing with people.  Discussing things?  Definitely.   Anyone who doesn’t defend their opinions (or doesn’t haven’t any) is a fucking idiot.  I will always try to explain where I’m coming from and why.  Are you OK with that, or is this a one way, your way post only?

Do I have any other scripts?  Yes, I do.  Quite a few, actually.  Why do you ask?

Am I under some kind of time limit to post a script?  I wasn’t aware of any.

What makes you think that I think I’m some sort of big deal here?  Please explain yourself.

You are correct, this script has been posted for 2 years or so.  What’s your point?  Was this my one good idea?  I thought you didn’t like the script?  You think it’s a good idea?  I do for sure.  It’s not my only good idea though.  You just have to wait with everyone else, I’m afraid.

When I read a script, I don’t ask for a return read.  There are times when people ask me for a read and offer to read something for me as well.  Is that a problem?  After people see your review here, I bet they’ll be waiting in line, trying to get you to review their scripts.  You may be the new big deal here at Simply Scripts!  Your time may have come, asswipe.

I do like seeing my script up near the top of the board.  If that makes me a bad person, than I’m definitely guilty.  I apologize to all my friends here…the truth is now out.  Damnit…what am I going to do now that everyone knows?

To what end and purpose?  I don’t know exactly how to answer that question.  Sorry.

Has it been entered into a competition?  No.

Been looked at by a production company?  Yes.

If you haven't written anything else, and this hasn't won any contests or been optioned, why do you leave it up here relatively unchanged and then work so hard to keep it here?  I guess I just like seeing it up there.  It makes me happy.

Why not do something with it?  I will…as soon as I hit Powerball…or as soon as someone who matters decides to invest $8-15 Million in it.

The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again each time expecting a different result.   Looks like I’m guilty of that as well.  When I was 23, I kept banging this babe over and over…like constantly.  Every week.  Every weekend.  Every month.  Every Wednesday.  I kept thinking that one of these times, her hot friend is going to join in, but she never did.  It drove me crazy…insane, even!  I still haven’t gotten over it…

Based on your review here, I’m very confused why you are so adamant about me writing (and posting) a new script.  I don’t get it.  What am I missing here?  I like reading and reviewing scripts.  I think people like that I do that, also.  IMO, I’ve helped many people out in here and helped them to become better writers.

I look so forward to seeing your scripts on here, Angel of Death.  I really do.  I’m not sure I can even contain myself waiting around for them to show up.  How long will I have to wait?  Hopefully not long, as I don’t know if I can take it.

I agree with you that everyone here is here for the same purpose…to share their work with other writers and to grow as a writer.  What’s your point, though, Bozo?  No, this is not a popularity contest where only the cool kids or mega posters are allowed into the group.  Even you are invited to play.  Your knowledge of script writing will make you an instant favorite, and maybe even one of those “cool kids” that you’ve always longed to be.  Now’s your chance!  Grab it by the balls, bitch!

Aren't we all allowed to learn from each other...to grow?  Sure we are.  What’s your point here again, though?  What can I teach you, my son?

And aren't we all kind of on a level playing field...being most of us are unproduced?   I highly doubt it.  There are all levels of writers in here.  Because someone is produced, does not mean they are a great writer, either, just like all movies are far from being great, right?

Just something to think about.  Thank you for those thoughts.  I will enjoy thinking about them for some time to come.

Ok, now on to your very helpful and witty comments on my script.

This was written long before A Perfect Getaway came out last year.  Many in here said they saw shades of my script in that movie.  Yes, there are similarities, but Fade to White is much better and much bigger.  Just wait till you get to actually sit your ass down in a theater and watch it on the big screen.  You can tell your 1 friend you read the script before it was released.

Sorry the characters didn’t work for you.  Maybe you’ll like the characters in my next script better.  I’ll try really hard to make sure that happens…OK?

In theory, yes, the point of a horror movie is to scare people…but that’s really no longer true, as horror nowadays is about more than just scares.  It’s about gore, it’s about evil, it’s about tits and asses.  Was there something about any of the characters that you didn’t like?  Or was it just everything?

Sorry you didn’t like the dialogue.  I actually dig it! It’s pretty much “real speak”, so maybe you don’t like that?  What kind of dialogue do you like in horror?  I agree that many of the characters sound alike.  They are friends for the most part, and therefore talk alike.  You didn’t find any of them to have their own voice and mannerisms?

Sorry the twist didn’t work for you.  Which twist are you referring to?  Do you prefer being fork fed as opposed to being spoon fed?  I’ll try that in my next script for you.

Thank you so much for your thought provoking critique of my script and my character in general.  I look forward to reading more of your posts and especially reading your scripts when they’re posted.  Please, keep me posted.

Thanks for proving my point, dude.

Which point was that?

Thanks for taking the time to answer my questions like I tried to answer yours.  That's a big help for sure.

I think we should all use your review here as a model for how to review scripts.  You really went all out and hit every single button, didn't you?  No, you didn't.  You briefly noted that you didn't like the characters and the dialogue,  You gave no help in how to make either better.  You didn't say a word about the story or plot.

I think you've actually proved my point quite well...that you're a fucking dickhead.

I take any and all criticism the same way i take any and all compliments...with gratitude and thanks.  It doesn't upset me at all when someone doesn't like something I've written.  It does help to find out why, though.  Differing viewpoints are great and very valuable...always.  Remember that.

Quoted from Dreamscale It’s about gore, it’s about evil, it’s about tits and asses.

Jeff's screenwriting philosophy summed up in one concise sentence.

He does have a point though, Jeff. Creatively, what's your next move? Is the rewrite in the works? Or is something else on the way?

You have more feedback than you'll ever need on this one. It's completely saturated. Everything that needs to be said, has been said, and debated, and repeated, and disagreed over. Twice. This is clearly your passion project, but for your portfolio, your reputation as a writer (both on and beyond the boards), and perhaps even your sanity...maybe it's time to move on to something else.

Said with all due respect, dude.

JB, what's my next move?  There are a number of moves taking place, but that really doesn't have anything to do with this thread, does it?

I prefer quality over quantity.  I used to prefer the latter, and look where it's gotten me...too many tits, too much ass...way too much booze!  Ha!

A new version of my baby will be out soon.  The highly awaited sequel is coming along nicely.  A colab with Mr. Ledbetter is already under way.  A new horror feature is in the planning stages.  And a new romantic comedy feature is waiting in the wings, believe it or not.  You may even see a new horror short popping up here shortly.

How's that?

PS I hate you all  

As long as they all include gore, evil, tits and asses. And no passive verbage!

We hate you too.

...or unfilmables!


  (Sorry, I just saw these smileys...can't top using them)

Everybody better leave my buddy Jeff alone!  He can say and do whatever he wants!

stevie


(whisper...Jeff, i can't cash that cheque...you spelt my fucking name wrong...)

Hey Jeff,
Thought I would chime in on this one. Angel of dick was probing hard on this one. Really hard.

Seriously though, This A$$hole comes out of nowhere to hammer one of the most respected members of the board? WTF?

It sure is easy to simply slam someone who has the most responded to script on this site. Where is your work Angel? You have 20 post on this site and you sure have come out swinging.

Angel, do you really expect for anyone to take you serious when you haven't posted anything in regards of work but slam someone else?

Jeff has given 10 page reviews that that most writers would pay good money for and gladly ask for.

In fact we are in the middle of a re-write together and will be posted here in a couple of months. I, like my fellow posters welcome you to the site but back down a bit.

Jeff is no more an enemy than any of us including myself but if you take this king of stand, when you do post, it will be crickets, and I mean crickets when it comes to anyone reviewing your work.

Shawn.....><

Thanks, Stevie!  I'll write you a new check...is $500 OK?

This new guy Angel of Death is one, big, old, mean sonabitch!  I'm very scared of him and his 20 inch arms.  Oh yeah, and his black belts.  Maybe even more scary is the fact that he's a registered bounty hunter.  He may actually come a callin', and then we'll have to throw down.