Thanks for reading, Stu.  I am always interested in feedback - if nothing else, just whether or not you liked it.

BIG NEWS     BIG NEWS     BIG NEWS

Final draft is now completed.  I will being reposting soon.  Waiting on quick feedback from a reader.

This definitely will be available shortly, so please don't bother reading this old draft. If anyone is interested in getting a jump on the new version, send me a PM or E-mail.

I'd probably change the log line with the new draft, man.

"The slopes of a quiet ski town in the mountains of colorado turn blood red when a weekened of good friends and great skiing fade into madness."

I'm a few years removed from the story, so I'll probably wait for the new draft before I even try to come up with something more appropriate than the above -- but, at very least, you can work with it.

Looking forward to the revision.  

If you go with that log suggestion it should be "fades" into madness. 'Of good friends and great skiing' is a prep phrase. It's weekend...fades into madness.

You also don't need mountains of Colorado, I don't think, if you have quiet ski town. In fact, is skiing really much a part of this story? I don't remember it being so. So you could lose the great skiing as well.

Which leaves: The slopes of a quiet ski town turn blood red when madness breaks out among a group of friends.

Which still doesn't really work since the killings were not on the slopes, they were in and around the lodge.

A weekend ski trip turns to bloody madness among a group of friends.

A brutal killer turns a weekend ski trip among friends to bloody madness.

Quoted from Dreamscale BIG NEWS     BIG NEWS     BIG NEWS Final draft is now completed.  I will being reposting soon.  Waiting on quick feedback from a reader. This definitely will be available shortly, so please don't bother reading this old draft. If anyone is interested in getting a jump on the new version, send me a PM or E-mail.

Hey Jeff!

That's great news! Congrats!
No wonder you're pounding Jaeger and punching aprons left and right!
Been waiting to read this sucker for almost two years.
Never touched the old draft, so my perspective should be slightly diffy.
Looking forward to the read.

Regards,
E.D.

Thanks guys.  Yes, don't worry, there is a new logline, and it obviously cannot be any worse than the current one.

It goes something like this...

Four girls, three guys, one man, and one woman, and another man and woman and five dogs all have to fight to survive the onslaught of a giant cave bear that's been awoken from a two billion year nap.  And, he's really, really, really pissed off about being woken up.  The cave he slept in will never ever fade to white, or really any color other than blood red, because that's the color it is after he chomps the aforementioned people, dogs, and other various cannon fodder thrown in along the way.

  

Hey Jeff

Read 10 pgs of the REVISED DRAFT. Will continue onward just wanted to stop for now.

SPOILERS

The opening scene, I have problems in believing that Lloyd will let Tobias in through the gate. It's like letting someone in to your apartment. Wouldn't it be possible to have no gate so Tobias can enter onto Lloyd's property easier?

I like how you introduced Xavier this time around.

I think you can cut out the scene where Blackburn tells Danny and Carlie (got the name down correctly this time ) they're cute. It's a bit too much emphasis.

Not sure but before that scene I mentioned above, I thought Danny and Carlie were going to have sex in the bathroom area. lol. Don't know if you want to consider it.

Nevertheless, I'm still digging this. Will continue to read.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Quoted from JC Cleveland Four girls, three guys, one man, and one woman, and another man and woman and five dogs all have to fight to survive the onslaught of a giant cave bear that's been awoken from a two billion year nap.  And, he's really, really, really pissed off about being woken up.  The cave he slept in will never ever fade to white, or really any color other than blood red, because that's the color it is after he chomps the aforementioned people, dogs, and other various cannon fodder thrown in along the way.

You might want to capitalize the 3rd "really" REALLY.... Kind of stress it a little more, then we know he REALLY is pissed off.

Otherwise I love this logline

Mark

Hey Gabe, thanks for starting the read.  It's been many years since you first read this, I think.

Yeah, Xavier's "intro" is more prevalent this time around.  The scene in which D & C are driving, chatting is 1 that has been redone, re-imagined, and kicked up a bit. I'm glad you noticed.

Just want to quickly comment on the beginning where Lloyd invites Tobias in.  I think this has been brought up before, and I have to assume that those who bring this up, don't quite understand the situation, which most likely is a "regional" thing.  The back patio and "gate" are not locked.  If they were, it would still be simple to "get in".  These high class, ritzy areas are populated by high class, ritzy peeps.  Once you're in the neighborhood, you have free reign pretty much.  What I'm saying is that no one would be worried or concerned about anyone else staying in one of these houses.

No Mile High Club here, but it's an intriguing thought.     Hope you enjoy the read.

Mark, I honestly almost added a third "REALLY" and I was laughing out loud as I wrote this.

Obviously, there's going to be spoilers here (for the two or three people that haven't actually read this script).

Okay, Jeff, I just finished "Fade to White". Allow me to start by saying I'm not a horror fan, not for the most part and less a fan of slashers. This didn't play like your typical slasher, though. To me, for the first 70 pages, all I felt was "Death Proof". Stylistically, it felt like that.

After finishing this script, the first thing that came to mind for me (Hey, it's 11:14) is that Tobias is virtually useless in the movie. He provides the opening deaths, his murders are vaguely referenced to by the cops at the end and we see him for about ten seconds at the end because he gets dead. The thing is, several of the characters have almost nothing to do in the script.

You have Jill and Bobby Jacks. Jill gets beaten nearly to death but survives and can ID Danny for the cops but doesn't. Bobby gets Jacobs sent to the house. Those are the only things they provide in the script.

I am self-taught at screenwriting which is why my craft is so limited but the one thing I learned is the power to payoffs and how important they are to both the horror and comedy genres. "Fade to White" had about five in the entire thing. Obviously, there's no steadfast rule that they need to be there but it's just something I like to point out when I watch movies.

Now, one of the things I liked best about this is that your villains are human. They have fun, they love each other, they fuck up, they adapt, they can get hurt. They don't entirely react like real people but they're not some unstoppable killing machine like you see in your standard slasher fare.

Now, the script does move at a snail's pace. I recall seeing this mentioned several times when I read through the comments a while back. The characters spend the equivalent of an entire act in The Horny Toad (brilliant name, by the way). Trouble is, only about two of the douchebag friends (a general term I have for the kids who get killed in slasher movies) I think were worth remembering. One was for a good reason and one was not. The one I liked was Martin because there seemed to be some character behind him. He had a not-so secret crush and that gave him some depth. The other one was Nicole who, as you'll see, I referred to as "Drunkie Drunk". She was the annoying one whom I couldn't wait for, to die. I, honestly, don't remember the others beyond their names.

Some things I specifically remember thinking about:

I think Tobias (as well as your entire opening scene) should be deleted. I would honestly start with a scene near the end then cut back to Danny and Carlie on the plane. Although, that's kind of my style, starting at the end, but that's just me.

I'm not so big on your post-credits scene, either, to be honest. It was kind of a pace killer and broke the ending you had. I think I would ditch the "Angel of Death" stuff as well and just have them be two people infatuated with murder and abiding by rules they set up themselves as opposed to doing it out of fear of what will happen to them if they don't. Kind of like a Mickey and Mallory thing.

Once the story picks up, it improves as the chaos goes on and I like how innocent people get dead in a chaotic situation but it did take a while to get there. That's a quibble that some people may or may not share.

I guess what it comes down to, here, is that this is a story people seem to like and I can understand why, but it wasn't for me (kind of like the "Bourne" movies. I don't like them but I know why others do).

I would give "Fade to White" 6.8/10 and say that you could cut about five characters (and, in those characters, about fifteen pages) from the script and gives the douchebags a little more character, some more individuality and turn Danny and Carlie into lover/psychos of their own volition.

Best of luck, Jeff.

Notes:

Page 1
Not a fan of the first four lines of dialogue.
Page 2
Quick thought: would be cool if Tobias spoke in perfect English when he says "Lloyd?"
Death came a little too quick. I like a little more interesting opening death (not like Saw or anything like that) than what was presented.
Not much really happened in your opening page and a half beyond the death itself.
Emily Patterson dropped in a hurry...
Page 4
Tobias must've been really jealous about them having propane...
Co-pilot isn't all capitalized.
Just a minor quibble but from my experiences, a pilot usually only announces his last name after take-off. Otherwise, he just says Captain but my guess is, you needed to introduce his name.
Page 5
Product placement!
Not really liking Danny and Carlie's back and forth.
Page 6
Personal quibble: OK is actually "okay". Same with "alright".
Page 9
Small side note: Danny and Carlie talk like two of my characters from "12 Seconds". Talk, as in, having a similar voice.
Page 10
Very slow burn story so far at, if you're following the beat sheet (which I believe you said you weren't doing), your Inciting Incident.
Page 11
I haven't seen someone treat a bum that badly since Patrick Bateman.
Enter table of horror movie douchebags. THIS is what we've all been waiting for. Now, to see if you can one-up the bar sequence from "Death Proof"...
Page 12
You compared Nicole's tan to... Zorro? Awesome. I don't like the description but knowing how orange George is, it seems like a perfect analogy.
"Conversation, laughter, and partying among friends." - I think that line can go because it's kind of assumed.
Online has become one word over the years, even though yours is grammatically accurate.
Page 14
Needs a comma after so. (I let lots of small things slide, but that's an annoyance of mine.
Touché. Instead of the double "E".
Page 16
Really don't like "I'm hungry also...and thirsty. I want a Grey Goose martini!". It sounds too forced.
Page 17
High five isn't a proper noun and doesn't need to be capitalized.
Page 18
Wide-eyed would need a hyphen.
Page 20
Being from California in the past, somebody as forthcoming as Nicole wouldn't say "Southern Cal." She'd shorten to SoCal or say the whole thing straight out.
Page 23
Using commas in weird places and not using them in others. For instance, "Yeah, and took our money." doesn't need a comma Just like you don't need the second comma in "Jake, Martin, and Johnny."
Page 24
Carlie doesn't seem to be very creeped out by what happened in the bathroom.
I also think a doctor, of all people, would be comfortable talking about what they excel in.
Page 28
You keep capitalizing "Hell".
Page 30
I'm already ready for drunkie drunk to bite it.
Page 33
I think you meant to say "parents'" instead of "parent's".
Page 34
Forty-five would be hyphenated.
Interesting stylistic choice for having ellipses in your prose. Why did you choose that style?
Page 35
I think it'd sound better if it were "Payback's a bitch."
Page 42
You wouldn't capitalize "Dad" in this instance.
Page 49
Gratuituous girl on girl scene!
Page 53
Restroom is one word.
Page 56
The "Come on out from where you're hiding" scene. I'm used to this scene being around 35 so that's a nice change of pace.
Page 57
Pay-off! I like pay-offs.
Page 59
Talking bad guy. A big no-no of successful villains.
Page 62
Moses in the shed. Am I sensing a big pay-off coming?
Page 68 (and more)
You typed "Operater" instead of "Operator" consistently.
Page 74
"OK, get that shower and do it fast." - Feels like that sentence is incomplete.
Page 84
Not liking Jacobs' reaction when he enters the house.
Page 86
"He hits at his radio's talk button." - I'd drop "at".
Page 90
"Occifer"? I'm going to take a wild guess and say that was intentional.
Page 92
In Danny and Carlie's conversation, they come off more as inept than psychotic. It's surprisingly easy to change, but it's an important change.
Page 93
Talking bad guy. I suffer from that, too.
Page 94
"Geez, how many times have I heard you quoting those stupid Dirty Harry movies...did I fire six shots or was it only five? Do you feel lucky? Punk?" - I'd shorten it to "How many times have I heard you quote Dirty Harry?" It's better to not throw in the whole quote, in my opinion.
I was told, and it makes sense, that when a character nods, you don't need to reference their head.
Page 99
I was wondering when the hell Tobias was going to show his German face again...
Page 100
...and he dies just as quickly as he reappears.
Page 104
"Wow, that's got some weight to it." - Just me as I tend to look at dialogue and see if I can improve it. First thing I thought of was something simple. "That'll work."

I am going to comment on Gabes very helpful comments. I hope that is not frowned upon in this establishment. I have flipped through the new draft, and reread many scenes to compare to the original, which I remember fairly well.

Gabe's primary complaints seem to be: pace, Tobias, the post credits scene. Let me add my thoughts.

I think the pacing only seems slow because of the bar scene. I've looked at it again, and it does not seem substantially changed or shortened from the last draft. If that scene were reduced by about 75%, that would have a huge impact on how the pacing feels. Things move fairly fast after that scene.

I think Jeff would argue that the scene is its current length for a few reasons: one, he wants us to get to know the characters so we care what happens to them. I believe this could be achieved equally well in a few pages, and then we continue to get to know them at the cabin.

Two, he wants to create a little misdirection where we think one of the kids might be the killer. Well, that should be something that is easy to do. As it happens, I strongly suspected Dan and Carly were the killers back when they were on the plane. Only because so much effort was made to convince us they were the opposite. So I was thinking as a writer. But a movie audience would not think that way. So when the happy couple gets together with the kids, they are expecting one of the kids is the killer. Because that's what this movie's about. So either the killer is in the woods, or he's already with them. Audiences will be looking for clues, then. So it won't take much to create the misdirection. Even one off handed comment or one hint of violence in the bar will do it.

The third reason for the bar scene being long, I think, is that there is an attempt to create a little bit of tension in it. That's why we get the glimpses of the killer in the city. And all of this is fine and good, I just don't think it creates enough tension to justify the length of the scene.

Next, Tobias: I hear ya, Gabe. But I think the main reason he is there is to create the misdirection away from Danny and Carly. Clearly they were not at the location of the opening scene killings. They are just flying in. So as long as the audience can later buy into the link between Tobias and the killing couple, he serves his purpose.

Finally, the post credit scene. Gabe might be right that this scene just isn't needed anymore. It's clear enough what happened. Maybe you're better off sending them on their next kill. OR..showing Xavier recruiting his next killers, which gives us a taste of her first sucked in Danny and Carly.

Just adding my two cents to Gabe's dollar.

NOTE:

The new draft is not posted here.

The new draft that Gabe and Sean commented on was E-Mailed to them...and can be E-mailed to anyone else who is interested.  It will be posted soon, though.  Sorry, but the logline is still giving me shits.

Thanks for reading, Sean.  I'll respond to some of your comments.  I appreciate the page by page comments and see I have missed a few commas, which pisses me off - I DON'T MISS COMMAS!!!!     They will be corrected.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde ...Tobias is virtually useless in the movie.

Sean, peeps often accuse me of sluffing off feedback or debunking it.  I don't want to do that or come off like that, but I do always respond and give my POV. So here it is on this - Tobias obviously opens up the script and kills a bunch of innocent peeps.  I like to jump out of the gate if at all possible, so this "intro" scene is supposed to set the overall tone of the script, first of all, but also, it's supposed to give the reader the false sense of "knowing" who the killer is and is going to be, as we intro our Protags immediately after.  The idea is that you're waiting for him to show up again, and probably assuming it was him who killed the old drunk in Durango, when Danny is parking the car.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde You have Jill and Bobby Jacks. Jill gets beaten nearly to death but survives and can ID Danny for the cops but doesn't. Bobby gets Jacobs sent to the house. Those are the only things they provide in the script.

Jill and Bobby serve a similar purpose, but obviously have much more screen time and also bring a few more things to the table, at least that's what I'm going for.  Jill does not get beaten - she gets pulled to an apparent death by her dogs.  She never sees Danny or anyone else at the Schaefer's, nor does anyone inside know she's outside.  Bobby is another story - keep in mind that when he's first intro'd, the killer's identity is still up in the air.  His intro is meant to bring some questions to mind. Why do we only see his upper body?  Why is he being such an ass?  Is he going to be involved in this somehow?  It's another storyline playing out in real time against the main group(s) of Protags...and Antags.  If Jill didn't get caught in the sled dog ride, things would have worked out very differently at the Schaefer's. And, if Bobby hadn't had to call 911 (because he couldn't get up to go check on her), things again would have played out much differently.  Personally, I hate when dumbass cops show up for no reason, or for a poorly conceived reason.  For me, this has a real feel to it the way it goes down, which is really what the script is all about - no one makes a poor decision to get themselves in trouble.  It all just happens the way it does, based on how things play out.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde ...the one thing I learned is the power to payoffs and how important they are to both the horror and comedy genres. "Fade to White" had about five in the entire thing.

Hmmm, I'm bummed to hear that.  Maybe I'm not relating to exactly what a "payoff" is.  There are 15 kills here - 5 come early on and quite fast, but the others are pretty well spread out.  There are also several reveals and surprises that I feel are solid payoffs, so I'm not sure I understand this comment, exactly.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde Now, one of the things I liked best about this is that your villains are human. They have fun, they love each other, they fuck up, they adapt, they can get hurt. They don't entirely react like real people but they're not some unstoppable killing machine like you see in your standard slasher fare.

Yep, something I definitely was after all along.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde Now, the script does move at a snail's pace.

Damn...that's not what I like to hear, Sean!  This really bums me out and confuses me as well.  Again, we have 15 kills, most 1 on 1 brutal acts, as well as numerous storylines running in real time, filled with various groupings of characters, some in danger, others heading for danger or possibly heading to save the day.  I don't know how or why that would feel like a slow pace, but you are correct, you are not alone in saying something to that effect.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde Trouble is, only about two of the douchebag friends I think were worth remembering.  I, honestly, don't remember the others beyond their names.

Bummer again, bro.  I really wanted several of these douchebags to stand out and be memorable.  IMO, in this genre of script/movie, anyone who bites it quickly, is going to be quickly forgotten, or just not that well developed or  known, because they don't have much screen time.  I really feel like I've given each of them some unique lines, some personality, and something that should be memorable.  But if that's not the case with you, all I can do is apologize for failing.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde I think Tobias (as well as your entire opening scene) should be deleted.

The very first draft did not have this intro, and it was very slow because of it.  Without something of this sort, horror movies don't feel like horror movies.  I wanted everyone to know damn well that they're reading a horror script here and getting themselves into.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde I'm not so big on your post-credits scene, either, to be honest. It was kind of a pace killer and broke the ending you had. I think I would ditch the "Angel of Death" stuff as well and just have them be two people infatuated with murder and abiding by rules they set up themselves as opposed to doing it out of fear of what will happen to them if they don't. Kind of like a Mickey and Mallory thing.

Again, the early original draft did not have the post credit missing scenes, nor did it have anything involving Xavier.  Early feedback was that it made no sense that D & C would do anything like this for no reason.  The original idea was a "killing club" - something along the lines of Hostel, but not stuck in a contained area or space.  More of a free for all.  Mickey and Mallory were definitely an early mold for D & C, BTW.  To me, anythign that can be added to boring rolling credits is a welcome relief.  Here, I answered alot of questions you probably had...or should have had.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde Once the story picks up, it improves as the chaos goes on and I like how innocent people get dead in a chaotic situation but it did take a while to get there. That's a quibble that some people may or may not share.

I purposely wanted a very slow buildup, and an early source was Wolf Creek, which is incredibly dull until it gets going.  But when you have to wait longer for something that does eventually deliver, IMO, it hits much harder, is more shocking, and is stronger for it.  I've often thought of it like a roller coaster - it starts slow as you climb the hill, but you know damn well, once you get to the top, you're in for a ride.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde I would give "Fade to White" 6.8/10 and say that you could cut about five characters (and, in those characters, about fifteen pages) from the script and gives the douchebags a little more character, some more individuality and turn Danny and Carlie into lover/psychos of their own volition.

Well, 6.8 is better than 6.7, so I'll take it!     HaHa.  It's funny to me when peeps recommend cutting characters or shortening the length.  If I cut 5 characters, I'd most likely have 5 less deaths, and that's definitely not what I'm after.  At 105 pages, including end credits, we're looking at an hour and 45 minute flick, which is exactly what I'm after.  You know for me, I look at movies like roller coasters, golf courses, or ski areas.  It may not be all that exciting climbing that long hill, but it does provide a feeling that the hill and curves can never bring about.  I'm a long ball hitter, so I prefer par 5's when I golf, but I'd be pretty worn out if the entire 18 holes were all par 5's - I appreciate the lull when the par 3's and 4's roll around.  Finally, I frickin' love to ski..nothing like it IMO.  The longer the runs, the better the resort, as you get more actual skiing in.  But you know what?  I actually really enjoy riding the lifts, talking to my bro's, watching skiers, and checking out where we're about to ski.  Could even be half the fun when I really get around to analyzing it.

I know...I'm a bit whacky, but those are my thoughts and I'm sticking to 'em.

Thanks, Sean.  Your feedback is appreciated and will be taken to heart.

Quoted from Dreamscale Thanks for reading, Sean.  I'll respond to some of your comments.  I appreciate the page by page comments and see I have missed a few commas, which pisses me off - I DON'T MISS COMMAS!!!!     They will be corrected.

My pleasure, man. Least I could do for your read of CS. And, those damn commas will be the death of us all.

Quoted from Dreamscale Sean, peeps often accuse me of sluffing off feedback or debunking it.  I don't want to do that or come off like that, but I do always respond and give my POV. So here it is on this - Tobias obviously opens up the script and kills a bunch of innocent peeps.  I like to jump out of the gate if at all possible, so this "intro" scene is supposed to set the overall tone of the script, first of all, but also, it's supposed to give the reader the false sense of "knowing" who the killer is and is going to be, as we intro our Protags immediately after.  The idea is that you're waiting for him to show up again, and probably assuming it was him who killed the old drunk in Durango, when Danny is parking the car.

No problem at all. You should stand by your script against criticism. He does, and maybe this is the writer in me, but I didn't buy him as the main villain for a second. I'll give you a great example of what I expect. Season 2 of "The Killing" on AMC. I knew that whomever they portrayed as the killer in the set-up episode (one before the finale) would not be the killer. It's the one person you can guarantee it's not. I'm sure the average moviegoer doesn't think like that but this is a screenwriting site and we usually think above that standard.

And, showing the "protagonists" directly after re-inforces that fact. That's an old editing trick. You go directly from the "villain" to someone completely unrelated and it just clicks in my head that they're the villain. To be honest, after the opening murders (which I'm sure you'll keep), give a couple of the douchebag friends, whomever you choose, a scene to themselves. Cast the suspicion on them then go to Danny and Carlie. Just my take.

Quoted from Dreamscale Jill and Bobby serve a similar purpose, but obviously have much more screen time and also bring a few more things to the table, at least that's what I'm going for.  Jill does not get beaten - she gets pulled to an apparent death by her dogs.  She never sees Danny or anyone else at the Schaefer's, nor does anyone inside know she's outside.  Bobby is another story - keep in mind that when he's first intro'd, the killer's identity is still up in the air.  His intro is meant to bring some questions to mind. Why do we only see his upper body?  Why is he being such an ass?  Is he going to be involved in this somehow?  It's another storyline playing out in real time against the main group(s) of Protags...and Antags.  If Jill didn't get caught in the sled dog ride, things would have worked out very differently at the Schaefer's. And, if Bobby hadn't had to call 911 (because he couldn't get up to go check on her), things again would have played out much differently.  Personally, I hate when dumbass cops show up for no reason, or for a poorly conceived reason.  For me, this has a real feel to it the way it goes down, which is really what the script is all about - no one makes a poor decision to get themselves in trouble.  It all just happens the way it does, based on how things play out.

You're absolutely right about Jill (obviously). When I said beaten, that was a general term for getting hurt. However, I was incorrect and that she didn't see Danny. I was confusing her for the girl who went to the shed to check on the first guy. I had gotten screwed up. I do stand by what I said about Bobby, though. It was cute that you revealed Bobby to be in a wheelchair, but you didn't do anything with that. I agree that it sucks that cops tend to show up randomly and that stupid movie logic but I like characters to have an honest purpose where the movie requires them more than it doesn't. For example, if you had the cops show up for another reason, would either Jill or Bobby need to be in this? That's a rhetorical question and just something to consider.

Quoted from Dreamscale Hmmm, I'm bummed to hear that.  Maybe I'm not relating to exactly what a "payoff" is.  There are 15 kills here - 5 come early on and quite fast, but the others are pretty well spread out.  There are also several reveals and surprises that I feel are solid payoffs, so I'm not sure I understand this comment, exactly.

Payoffs are something that's hard to explain unless you use examples. I even have a hard time explaining them to my brother. I'll use "Magnolia" as it's the first movie to come to mind. It's bad to use movies written by good writers as examples because they know how to hide them better, but "Magnolia" is a little simpler.

Payoffs:

Exodus 8:2. Frogs fall from the sky.
Phillip Seymour Hoffman drops pills on the floor. Dog eats them and dies.
Orlando Jones steals John C. Reilly's gun. Throws it out the window as they pass by John C. Reilly in the morning.
William H. Macy gets his key stuck in the lock. It breaks off in the lock when he steals the money.

Those are just a couple quick examples.

Quoted from Dreamscale Damn...that's not what I like to hear, Sean!  This really bums me out and confuses me as well.  Again, we have 15 kills, most 1 on 1 brutal acts, as well as numerous storylines running in real time, filled with various groupings of characters, some in danger, others heading for danger or possibly heading to save the day.  I don't know how or why that would feel like a slow pace, but you are correct, you are not alone in saying something to that effect.

I didn't say it in a bad way. I think it's good that this script moved slow. "CS" moved slow (although that's because it was all dialogue). It's just that your average script reader or moviegoer might not think the same thing.

Quoted from Dreamscale Bummer again, bro.  I really wanted several of these douchebags to stand out and be memorable.  IMO, in this genre of script/movie, anyone who bites it quickly, is going to be quickly forgotten, or just not that well developed or  known, because they don't have much screen time.  I really feel like I've given each of them some unique lines, some personality, and something that should be memorable.  But if that's not the case with you, all I can do is apologize for failing.

I definitely saw that you tried to make them special and different but only two stood out for me. Maybe that's because they're the only ones that got an emotion from me. One made me curious and the other made me angry. Usually, nobody remembers any of the douchebags except for the survivor(s) but this is a villain story, not a hero story.

Quoted from Dreamscale The very first draft did not have this intro, and it was very slow because of it.  Without something of this sort, horror movies don't feel like horror movies.  I wanted everyone to know damn well that they're reading a horror script here and getting themselves into.

I agree that it needs something big, but not that. I'll tell you what I was thinking. I would start with the sequence where Jacobs is pointing his gun at Danny then Janelle and is confused. You have the moment where he tells Janelle in a stern tone to drop the knife or he'll shoot her. Try playing out the scene a little different with slightly more improved dialogue then have a gunshot and cut to black (or fade to white, although a cut would work better) and have something that says "11 Hours Ago" or something to that effect. That's what I'd do, but I like starting things at the end.

Quoted from Dreamscale Again, the early original draft did not have the post credit missing scenes, nor did it have anything involving Xavier.  Early feedback was that it made no sense that D & C would do anything like this for no reason.  The original idea was a "killing club" - something along the lines of Hostel, but not stuck in a contained area or space.  More of a free for all.  Mickey and Mallory were definitely an early mold for D & C, BTW.  To me, anythign that can be added to boring rolling credits is a welcome relief.  Here, I answered alot of questions you probably had...or should have had.

I believe Xavier is a mis-step. I don't see an honest to god reason that you have a supernatural element in this straight slasher film. Just me, I can't see it and I like the idea of Danny and Carlie just walking away from a job well done.

Quoted from Dreamscale I purposely wanted a very slow buildup, and an early source was Wolf Creek, which is incredibly dull until it gets going.  But when you have to wait longer for something that does eventually deliver, IMO, it hits much harder, is more shocking, and is stronger for it.  I've often thought of it like a roller coaster - it starts slow as you climb the hill, but you know damn well, once you get to the top, you're in for a ride.

I agree but if you have people wait too long, they may become impatient. Maybe that's why people didn't like "Death Proof" so much. I really enjoy it, but I liked it least the first time I saw it and have enjoyed it more since. Perhaps the same will be said of "Fade to White".

Quoted from Dreamscale Well, 6.8 is better than 6.7, so I'll take it!     HaHa.  It's funny to me when peeps recommend cutting characters or shortening the length.  If I cut 5 characters, I'd most likely have 5 less deaths, and that's definitely not what I'm after.  At 105 pages, including end credits, we're looking at an hour and 45 minute flick, which is exactly what I'm after.

Well, if it makes you feel better, most of the characters I think should be cut survive. The Jacks' and Xavier, specifically. I would also cut out the cops you introduced at the end. If anything, drop Jacobs and have your two cops investigating as your recurring sub-plot.

Like I said, best of luck, Jeff.

-Sean

Hey

I just wanted to be clear that letiskev might be confusing me for Mr. Blonde (Sean). I'll get back to reading this. I've been sick this whole week.

Wanted to clear up that confusion and make sure the right person gets the cred. Sean did do a longer and detailed review than mine. lol.

Gabe

I don't mind, Gabe. Credit is overrated anyway.

However, you did say something in your review that I think would make a great idea for a scene to give Danny and Carlie a little bit of a fetish.

Gabe mentioned he thought they were going to have sex in the bathroom. I think that's actually a good idea.

I think if they did in the bathroom where you killed Nicole and the room was just splattered in blood, they'd get off on that fact, but if you should show that Nicole is still clinging to life in that scene and trying to stay unnoticed, it would add a little tension to it.

Just a quick thought.