Hey Jeff,

Little embarrassed that I'm probably one of the only frequent users that haven't read this, yet. From what I hear/read, it's a simplyscripts classic. How can it not be, after years of being up and you're still getting reviews. A massive achievement, IMO.

So, I've started it and I'm up to page 30. So far so good, although I am starting to get the feeling that the scene in The Horny Toad is dragging on a bit. On the other hand, long scenes like this are good ways of establishing your characters, which I think you've done a great job with, so far.

Also have to admire your writing talent. This truly is brilliantly written. Will be coming back, again, tomorrow.

Daniel

Hey Mo, thanks so much for reading and commenting on my script.  I appreciate your input very much.  I want to address some of your comments directly.  I don't want to come off (as I usually do   ) like I'm devaluing or shooting down what you said, but I always want to give my take, so  you know where I'm coming from.

Quoted from nawazm11 What really ruins it though was what Gabe said above. I really cannot handle the fact that they're killing because this old Mexican guy told them to, I cannot buy it. It's just stupid, why would they do it? Because of that, the whole script just falls for me. What was the point? They really need a stronger motive or at least a little more elaboration on it.

OK, first of all, Xavier is not just some "old Mexican guy" that is telling them to do something.  Initially (years ago), Xavier's character wasn't understood completely, so I added some description that, IMO, at least, made it very clear who and what he was.  Maybe you missed that....not sure.  He's definitely not Mexican.  He's of "Spanish descent", so yeah, he has dark skin, but that's about all he has in common with a "Mexican".  This entire "wrapup" is meant to be a bit ambiguous, but it is supposed to get you thinking about what went on and why.  If I need to spell it out for you, I can, but to me, it's pretty clear what X offers and what he expects in return.  Some of this is made clear in Carlie and Blacky's final conversation.  Again, it can be taken several different ways, but there is definitely a direction I wanted to lead you in.

To go 1 step further, as I've said many, many times, originally, the reason D & C did what they did was because they wanted to...because they were psycho killers like many psycho killers you see in movies of this genre.  Original feedback from non writers (movie goers) was that they didn't like the lack of reason behind all this, so X was born, and the tone and feel was somewhat altered, culminating in a WTF kind of ambiguous ending that could be discussed and thought about long after reading/viewing.  But, let's understand some things about the purpose of this script - it's about killing, first and foremost.  It's about survival of both the hunted and the hunters.  And finally, it's the antithesis of your standard horror/slasher/thriller in many ways.

Quoted from nawazm11 The character count, man, was that big. I had to get myself a word doc out and write their names so I wouldn't forget who was who. Eventually though, I could just remember them from their personality, which is great because I thought all your characters (except the killers) were really deep and had some great back story, even the cop.

Man, oh man.  I am just baffled by this recurring comment.  I'll say again what I continually say, in that it always surprises me when peeps recommend cutting characters and melding others together for no other reason than to lower the character count.  It's just downright whacky to me.

In this type of genre, IMO, a large potential body count is of the utmost importance.  That's where this will either sink or swim, and without characters, you can't have the kills, which is what this is entirely based on.

IMO, the only reason for cutting characters is because they're unimportant, they don't offer anything, and/or they're left hanging, as in they show up for a few scenes and we never hear of them again. That's definitely not the case here.  In fact, we know the outcome every single named character who shows up in person and speaks, except for the waitress at the Horny Toad, Sarah, and the cops at the very end.  You could throw Bobby in as well, I guess, but we learned quite a bit about him and he had a purpose to serve.

Your final comment here is also baffling, but I'm very happy to hear it.  You said after awhile, you knew each character based on their personality and backstory, but you excluded D & C, which is surprising, as they're easily the most well developed characters, IMO, at least.  

Quoted from nawazm11 The writing, not including the one too many "Sickening THUDs", was great. Really shows the difference between an amateur and someone who can actually write. This made for an easy read but I still stumbled at a few points.

Thank you.  That's nice to hear.

Quoted from nawazm11 Now, the opening pages were amazing, some of the best I've ever read but a lot of the tension just trailed off at The Horny Toad. Obviously you had to introduce and develop the characters somehow but really, it just dragged. Maybe it wouldn't be as bad on screen?

Again, thanks for that compliment.

The tension was definitely supposed to trail off during the bar scene.  Lots of intros and getting to know everyone.  It would play out much quicker onscreen because we've got up to 9 peeps talking together (different groupings at different times), and the conversation is pretty much rapid fire back and forth.  Heavy dialogue scenes with multiple people take up alot of space in terms of pages, but much less onscreen.

Quoted from nawazm11 As it stands now, it doesn't work for me. Only because the killers seem only be killing because you told them to. There is currently no story. Just a recount of what happened, which can work sometimes, but not here. In the end, everyone dies and the killers live happily ever after, thinking as if they were the good guys. I still didn't hate it though, a lot better than the stuff I've read.

Well, this is a bummer, MO, but I respect your POV and opinion, just like I respect everyone's.

If you're saying you don't enjoy this genre, I totally understand.  But if you're saying just this setup didn't work, I'm confused, because the only "story" here is the events that take place.  It's survival.  It's killing.  It's a roller coaster ride that hopefully keeps you on your toes and surprises you a number of times.  It's not intended to be anything else but an enjoyable, bloody ride.

Thanks, bro.  Looking forward to your new script. Let me know when it's ready to go.  Take care.

Thanks for getting started, Dan.  I appreciate the read and comments.  I also appreciate the compliments.

I'll address your feedback when you're all done.

Hey, Jeff. Let me clear a few things up after I've read your comments. I'm in a bit of a hurry so I haven't got time to quote.

When I say character count, I meant nothing by it. I thought it was great that you had so many and like you say, they had to be there because you obviously needed someone to kill. I don't think any should but cut, the more deaths, the better. Although Martin fell a little flat for me.

Yes, D and C were developed but their story just didn't interest me. Maybe it's because I'm a massive drama fan. I loved the back and forth between the other characters, their problems where people could actually feel for them.

I can't say I don't enjoy the genre but I haven't seen a horror-slasher film in years. But that didn't have a lot do to with my opinion on the script.

Nope, actually, I think the setup works great. I enjoyed reading the script. Had I known that you purposely structured it this way, my comments would've been different. For what you wanted, I think it's good. It works.

I also look forward to your next script, whenever that may come out.

SPOILERS

this was one of my favorite scenes from Fade To White -

FADE IN:
EXT. EAGLE'S CREST - NIGHT
Danny and Carlie walk along the road, away from the Schaefer
house. Snow continues to fall. Danny has the big work suit
on, limps along, using the fire poker as a walking stick.
Carlie has a garbage bag in her hands.


This scene is so odd (momentarily peaceful after so much violence) but more than that it's strangely familiar along the lines of Godzilla trudging away from the smashed city, having to shake his foot free from some wrecked bridge that could cause a missed step --

monsters? us?

it's a great moment in the script, I think.

Hey Jeff,

Finally finished. Hope I don't repeat anything that has already been said (although those chances are quite high).

I really don't have much to say, to be honest. This script was written brilliantly. Nothing wrong with the formatting and your writing style is just awesome. You portray things so well, especially those killing scenes.

I thought at times the dialogue was a little on the nose, but that's nothing you can't fix up in a few minutes.

Your twist with Bobby was a real shocker. That whole time I thought he was a sexist A-hole. Very nice reveal, there.

One particular part that did bug me a bit was the way you started the end credits and then repeatedly stopped them to reveal something else in your story. For me, that was a little unnecessary and quite frankly, annoying. Just curious as to how you intended that to come across...? And why you chose to write up the end credits the way you did.

Overall, this is a read I'm glad I took the time to look at. Definitely worth it.

Sorry, I couldn't be of any real help. Great work

Daniel

Hey Mo, sorry for not responding earlier.

Thanks for your response.  Hey, listen, your thoughts and feedback are great whatever they may be.  We're all very different and like different things.  I don't want to sway you or anyone else.

It does sound like horror is not your genre of choice and that's totally cool, bro.

Thanks again for the read and feedback.  New script is on hold right now...actually, there are 3 new scripts on hold.  Hopefully at least 1 will be finished prior to the end of the year.

Howdy Catherine.  Thanks for that last comment.  Glad you caught what that scene is all about.  I like it as well, and find it rather humorous, actually.  It's important to understand that D & C have cleaned up their mess and have everything with them that could incriminate them.  In a very old draft, there was even a few lines about exactly what they took to make sure they had cleaned up as best they could..

Love the Godzilla reference!  Funny.

Thanks again!!!

Hey Dan, thanks for finishing.  Glad you liked it.

I appreciate the compliments.

Very happy someone finally got the Bobby reveal - it apparently hasn't been as effective as I thought it would be.

As for the "missing scenes" playing over the credits, it's just something you'll see every now and then in a movie.  Personally, I love when movies attempt this, as otherwise, it's tough to sit through the closing credits, and very few ever do.

I think the idea came to me from one of my favorite flicks, "Wild Things".  Although far from the originator, IMO, this is a perfect example of how to keep butts in seats as the credits roll.  So much is revealed in the Wild Things post credits missing scenes.  It's just a fun, cool way to end things up.

I wanted to do the same and reveal some things you may have questioned while reading/watching.

My advice?  Watch Wild Things and see how it looks on film.  You may feel differently after seeing it.

Thanks again, Dan.  If you ever need a read, let me know, bro.

I must have read this story at least three times and I still like it. Especially the part with Martin and Janelle outside the bar. He's so furious but can't stay mad at her cute, precious self. Just about every guy knows that feeling.

Hey thanks for the compliment, Coleman.  I like that scene as well, and find it oddly funny, as well.

I also think most peeps don't rally get Janelle and who she is.  She's actually my favorite character (other than Carlie), as she exhibits many different characteristics.  I'd like to call her "deep", but I can only imagine the comments I'd get back from some peeps.  But, she is a number of different things, and cute and precious are definitely 2 of them!  

I'm not sure if you're saying you just read this again or not, but the latest draft has still not been posted, as I'm still unhappy with the logline.

If you'd like to read it for a 4th time, I can E-mail you the latest, greatest, and hopefully, final draft.  There are a few changes you'll definitely see early on.

If you need something looked at, let me know, bro.  Take care.

It seems like there's a new draft of this, but I don't see a link and the first post has not been updated. Am I missing something?

That might be my fault, Atlas. There's a new draft, but not posted, I don't think. Sorry about that.

Atlas...what's up, brother?

Yes, there is a new and/or final draft, but you're correct, it's not posted.

You may be happy to know that I did make a change you recommended - the "eastern European accent" now reads "German accent".

If you'd like, I will send you the latest, but in doing so, I'm hoping that you don't go into another line by line cutup, as I rally don't need or want that, at this point.

On a different note, as I said earlier, I would love to rad something you've written.

Let me know with an E-mail or PM.

Enjoy the weekend.

Quoted from leitskev That might be my fault, Atlas. There's a new draft, but not posted, I don't think. Sorry about that.

Kevin, how is this your fault?  What am I missing here?