so i read the first few pages and well i loved the opening scene, it was really good. my problem is that the dialogue between carlie and danny so far, is alittle cheesy. Like its too much honey, hun and babe and stuff. Just cut down on them, and the way they are talking they don't seem 30 something, they seem like in their early 20's.... I just think you need to work on ur dialouge a little more, and um, yeah.... I won't finish tonight, i'm tired, so i will continue reading tomorrow, and will review again soon enough!
good so far

Hi Caroline, thanks for getting started.  As you can probably see, most have lynched me for Danny and Carlie's lovey dovey dialogue and relationship.  I will be toning down Danny's dialogue, but not Carlie.  Hopefully, it will tone down the dislike for the 2 of them.

I don't agree with you that they sound 20 something, but then again, many do come off as either younger or older, and this couple is definitely living life on the wild side and skewing down in terms of how they come off.

Looking forward to hearing what you think about the 2nd half and finale of the script.

PS - you seem to be a speed reader...very impressive!!!  You've posted a ton of reviews in the last couple weeks.  Keep it up!!!!    

Hiya,


  So, as I’m sure you’ve read some of the comments made on Script Club, I found it difficult to come with a review as well as participate in Script Club without being really repetitive. But I think I need to make it clear that I thoroughly enjoyed the parts after the group split up, along with the kills and their description. I agree that it’s better that you as the writer tried a tool or technique with trying for the “Wolf Creek” like build, rather than it being something that happened via accident. At least we, and you, know that you have handle on it and can make changes.


  My biggest criticism is that you went for realistic dialogue, even with “realistic” dialogue being debatable, under the idea of realism, and the thing that gets me is if it’s because of this attempt at realism that you discarded other necessities like subtext, suspense and conflict in all that time we spent in the bar. Enough with that though.


  I’ve read that Xavier is suppose to be Satan, to be later explained in a sequel. First, let me say that I didn’t  get that Xavier was anything of the sort. Also, Satan? I’d prefer that it be some power demon, I think that Satan has been overused in such subordinate role. I’m also interested in what would be the premise for that sequel. Would Carlie and Danny appear? Would they become protagonist?


Continued....

  One thing I would like to point about Carlie and Danny’s character relationship is “True Romance”, if you haven’t seen it check it out. The leads in that are awkwardly lovey-dovey and surrounded by well it’s a Tarantino flick so go figure. But the difference I feel is that those character’s had cute quirks and relatable desires, Christen Slater is in love with a hooker and wants to free her from her pimp. I think you started with something great in that these two characters, Carlie and Danny wanted to have a baby, but that story dialogue fell to the way side, I think rather than or along with them being lovey-dovey they go into discussions about the baby how many? Names? Where to live? Whether Carlie should be a stay at home mom or go into the work place? All relatable topics that will engage the audience, and also engage the kids at the bar who would give there two cents because naturally Carlie and Danny would take different sides on each topic. This whole debate would bring value to the entire bar scene.


  Now in True Romance there isn’t much to hide, as in your story the fact that Carlie and Danny are killers, I think you may but you don’t have to reveal that they are in the premise, but if you don’t want to, it’ll still work. I think to do that this quarrel between lovers blows up at the bar where Carlie and Danny are angry with one another and this act of killing the kids, which they decide to through with, brings them closer together. A quirky bounding experience, I’d say.


  And Janelle who the couple actual likes the most, you like the most too, and who I and Shelton thought was one of the better characters out of the group. Should be the last kill, but in this scene Carlie is telling Janelle that they’ve picked out a name for the baby, and by story end that’s what they name the baby.


  I feel as though this plot line works because while the lovey-dovey dialogue has distance the audience from the characters, for the worse right now. And the act of killing distance them even more, but the lovers quarrel that all couples go through about baby name? Where to live? And so on would bridge the gap enough between the audience to make the love-dovey dialogue not a liability but a necessity for these characters with a bizarre idea of love. And the killing a necessity while evil, never the less a bonding experience that draws this couple closer.


What do you think about this idea?

Hey Bee, thanks for jumping back in here.  Glad you liked the 2nd half of the script.

I definitely went for realism in here in basically every regard, not just dialogue.  I think this is a problem for most, because just like "real life", alot of things here seem very trivial and without conflict, or the like.  This is what I was going aftr, and for me it worked well, but I see it doesn't for the majority.  As I've commented, I will be cuting down on Danny's lovey dovey banter, but Carlie is going to remain a goofball.

Xavier is either Satan, or one of his minions.  At this point, it doesn't really matter, cause his identity is only hinted at.  I think it would be much more clear with visuals that Xavier isn't just some random bad guy.  If you reread his one scene, you may pick up on a few things that you might have missed on first read.  I will do something to make this a bit more clear, but I do want it to be ambiguous so there can be debate.

As for the sequel (without giving too much away), it will center around Blacky and his deadly deeds in Telluride.  Hot on his tracks will be Sherriff Doug Hawkins, who has a much bigger role this time around.  Xavier and his background will be brought to light, and Danny and Carlie will make a cameo, but not be the center of attention at all.

Funny you bring up "True Romance", because it is easily one of my top 5 favorite movies of all time.  I'm sure I've seen it at least 25 times, if not more.  I think the "banter" is amazingly well done, and basically every single character has their own voice and quirks for sure.  Yeah, it's filled with conflict and "unreal" situations that come to a boil in the finale.  I wanted to go the non-conflict route, and then have things literally boil over, and blow the lid off the pot in the finale.

I definitely hear what you're saying about the baby banter, but I don't think I'm going to go there.  We'll see.  I do like telling Janey that they're going to name their baby after her though.  I think Danny might even tell her while he's tormenting her with the gun, before he pulls the trigger.

Based on feedback, I have a number of ideas that I will be adding.  I'll also try and remove some of the chatter in the bar, but as you said correctly earlier on the Script Club thread, that entire scene is going to play out on screen alot faster than it reads and takes up space on the page.  There're alot of characters introduced and interacting in the bar, and it takes up space on the page, and probably reads a bit slow.  Because alot of the dialogue is basically 1 line back and forth between everyone, it "looks" like alot, but onscreen, I think it would go by quickly and actually be entertaining as well.

Hey Bee, you said you would help with the synopsis, and I'd really appreciate your input about that.  Because I don't want to give anything away that Danny and Carlie aren't what they seem, I find it quite difficult to come up with an interesting logline.

Thanks for all your thoughts and help here Bee, it is very much appreciated.

PS  You're German, right?  Did you get the Edguy/Tobias thing early on?  It was actually meant as a little foreshadowing for those in the know.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll fill you in.

Thanks again!

Having finally read the script, I felt compelled to go back and re-read to ensure that I didn't miss something along the way.  Also, I waited until I had read the script for myself before looking over the posts.  I tend to agree with most of the reviews here, in that the bar scene is just too long.  There has been some talk of realism in the dialogue, etc., but the manner in which these people talk to one another never rang true for me.  The discussions between Carlie and Danny were not engaging enough for me to feel these were likable or very authentic people, which may have indeed been the point here.  The descriptions work just fine, and the kills are done with some zest, but I never felt like I was reading anything that lifted it beyond a genre exercise that spent a little too long with characters that you ultimately don't invest in.  The gore was too heavy to be a character study/psychological thriller and there's too much dialogue and build-up for it to be a fun, seat-of-the-pants shocker.  The schizophrenia of the writing made me feel alientaed as a reader, despite some fine writing and description.  Not my style or interest, but that is always a matter of taste.  I look forward to reading the next script.

Hey Boin, thanks for the read and comments.  Sorry you didn't like it.  I'm actually quite surprised that you don't find the dialogue and interactions between the charaters as real or believable.

What do you mean by, "the schizophrenia of the writing made me feel alientaed as a reader"?  I find it to read extremely easily and be very visual as well.

Again, sorry it didn't work for ya.  I appreciate your feedback.

Jeff,

Told ya I'd read this . Imma gonna be reviewing this as I read, so if I repeat something that someone already said, excuse me, because I haven't read any of the comments yet:

- The beginning is fast and "Whoa!" I noticed you added "uh's" to Tobia's dialogue when he first speaks...If that's him searching for English words, no need. Though I like the "pro...pane?" part.

- Marshall's death scene....wouldn't really happen that way. Though, the radio would electrocute him, except he would be dead probably a second or two after the radio hits the water. How did Cyndi jump out of the water so quickly? Did she have eyes on the back of her head? Because she got out right when the radio hit the water...I dunno. I thought it would be better if they both got electrocuted together, and then Tobias got the shotgun and went after the boy.

- iPod. Not I Pod. Just wanted to point that out.

- I feel as though Rosie and Blackbourn aren't that important. Their dialogue seems kind of fake and when Rosie talks about them being a lovely couple, she actually sounds a bit sarcastic (at least in my head).

- I think you should tell us what Carlie and Danny are wearing before the newscast thing. It makes it seem like they suddenly have this clothing on.

- The dialogue between Carlie and Danny as he is going to the car rental shop doesn't seem real. They act more like teenagers. And 4 bags!? How long are these people staying?? Or are three of them Carlie's?

- Instead of saying "The screen fades to white," just say FADE TO WHITE on the right side of the page.

- Oh dang! In the Horny Toad, we have 7 characters introduced to us! I don't know if I'm able to keep up with them!

- The bar scene ran really long, but for some reason, and despite all the characters I tried staying up with, I liked it. Especially when they were telling the story. Because it sounded real.

- We has a lot of nicknames! Janey, McD, D, CC, Lees...Marty...Nickey, Nick...Red...

- I don't think you need slugs for the Dance Floor and the Golden Tee (whatever that is, ha ha). You can just have a separate line that says DANCE FLOOR and GOLDEN TEE to introduce where inside the bar.

- So, have Danny and Carlie brought their stuff to the hotel or wherever they're staying at yet?

- Oh, so now they're staying the weekend. That's a lot of bags for the weekend!!!! Ha ha ha

- So is Martin gay or what?

- When they're talking about boob jobs and Danny looks at Nicole's boobs, don't you think Carlie might get a bit...defensive or whatever?

- I think that was the second longest bar scene ever. Ha ha. The first being the one in Death Proof.

- The drunk everyone is now starting to get a little annoying (no offense). Maybe you can try and cut out some of it. I don't think you need the tire blow out scene either. If it becomes a problem later, like the killer is chasing them and they need to get in the car, the killer could just slice the tires while he's there or something. I dunno, I'm getting ahead of myself.

- I think everyone in this script loves each other too much

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, wtf? Danny's gone crazy!?!?

- Shouldn't the girls be wondering where the guys are by now? It seems like it's been a while and it shouldn't take too long to get logs.

- Jill's death was funny.

- Danny better have a good reason to be killing these people. Is he possessed by Tobias or some spirit that haunts the house?

- WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!? This couple is crazy, yo!

- Page 105: Ociffer...Officer. Ha ha were you a little wasted yourself? Just kidding.

- I don't think Jill would be alive. She suffered a pretty serious blow to the head, and is also laying in the snow unconscious. I think she'd freeze to death.

- So Blackbourn remembers Carlie's name? Did he ever know it in the first place?

- Okay, everything makes sense now...sort of. So far, I know why Blackbourn knows Carlie when she stops,  ha ha. What just happened "while the credits were rolling?" Did this guy pay the two to kill people? I'm confused.

Another question: the dialogue...I don't know if it needs to be worked on or not between Danny and Carlie...It seems unrealistic, but then again, it seems like that that's supposed to be a diversion or something...Is it?

This was a crazy script. Long scenes, lots of talking...I like that, but only when I'm watching it happen, not reading it. My eyes hurt now. Ha ha. There were a lot of people in this script, the descriptions were good, some spelling mistakes, yadee-yadee-yah. Danny and Carlie acted funny when they were killing people. It reminded me of the second part of The Signal.

Any way, good job.

Sean

Hey Sean, thanks for the read.  I'll go along line by line with your comments and give ya mine back.

Yes, Tobias is German and his English isn't that great, thus the "uhs".  Are you saying you don't like them?

As for Marshall's "death scene", someone else brought up the same point.  My take on it is this, however....whether or not the average person would be instantly killed by electrocution, you really can't say that's always going to be the case.  As I commented before, when Marshall "leaps out" of the water, it could really just be his body going through one more convulsion.  It's really just a distraction for Cyndi to have a chance, and although you may have to suspend belief here just a bit, I don't feel like it's that big a leap.

Cyndi was already in the process of getting out just as Tobias tossed the boom box into the pool.  That's why she was thrown out of the pool by the shock, as she was already "hoisting" herself up and out.

Thanks for the iPod correction!  No one has caught that one yet.

Blacky's comments were kind of fake, as you now know from reading through the end.  At one time, Rosie had a bigger part, but it's looking like she's going to be completely cut at this point.

Originally, I did have info as to what Danny and Carlie were wearing before they left the plane, but it got cut.  I may have to cut what they're wearing in the airport as well, for continuity sake.  Good point!

There has been alot of criticism on how Danny and Carlie communicate with each other.  They are definitely very young at heart and an extremely goofy couple.  This has turned alot of people off, and it still is quite surprising to me.  Danny's lovey dovey way will be toned down, but Carlie is staying just the way she is.

They're going skiing, and skiing requires alot of luggage.  Yeah, most are Carlie's by the way, as she's a definte shopper and has a different ski outfit for each day.  Actually though, 4 bags isn't that uncommon at all for a ski trip.

Ste said the same thing about my "Fade to whites".  Not sure if I'll abide by the rules here or not, as sometimes I used different "shades" of white, and the like.  Point taken though.

Were you able to keep all the "kids" separated in your mind?  Did they all come off as unique individuals?

The bar scene has been a topic for much criticism again. You are far from the first that thought it was too long.  I am going to cut some of it out, but as a few have correctly commented, it actually woudln't play out as long as it reads.  Because there are so many characters being introduced (as welll as the bar and it's surroundings itself), on paper it requires quite a bit of space...same goes with all the dialogue, which will actually play quicker in a filmed version than it reads and looks on paper.

Yeah, there are a bunch on nicknmaes for sure.  Hope it weasn't too confusing, but as far as I'm concerend, when people actually know each other, they have other names for each other...at least that's the way it is with me and the people I know and have known over the years.

I hear what you're saying about the slugs in the bar.  I'll look into that.  Golden Tee is a video golf game that is very popular in bars.  It's updated every year and the game is a blast and very competitive!

Danny and Carlie's bags never leave their rented Jeep actually.

No, Martin is far from gay.  He wants Janelle in a BIG way.  He's just one of those guys that has trouble hooking up with chicks.

Carlie knows Danny very well and doesn't have a problem with his interest in boobs.  He's actually just making a joke though when he comments on Nicole's big cans, so no one is upset.

I hear ya about the Death Proof comment!!!

It is definitely a very loving group of people for sure, but as for loving themselves, alot of what you're probably referring to shouldn't be taken too seriously...they all joke around quite a bit and are actually quite down to Earth.

The girls know their guys and the wood shed scene wouldn't play out as long as it reads.  They're actually not gone that long at all.

There is definitely reason for Danny and Carlie's actions, but many don't seem to really get it.  Yeah, this couple is crazy!  "What the Hell is going on?"  That's the intended feeling I was looking for.

Actually on page 105, it's not mispelled.  It's supposed to read as "Ociffer".  It's kind of an inside joke actually... a play on a wasted guy slurring the word "officer" to an officer!  They're kind of mocking Officer Jacobs.

As for Jill "coming back to life", you never know what will actually kill someone.  Each individual is different.  Sometimes (in real life) a single bullet will kill a person, other times, a person can survive 6 or more shots.  She was just knocked out and the impact looked more violent than it really was, as her mitten pulled off the leash pretty easily once impact was made.

Blacky is actually friends with Danny and Carlie.  He was in on the whole thing.

As for the "reveal" of Xavier, during the "missing scenes" stuff after the credits start rolling, it's meant to be very ambiguous.  Many have not gotten it at all, but that's actually OK with me.  It's meant to be up for interpetation by each viewer.  Xavier is actually Satan, and he is basically buying souls of various individuals he deems as worthy.  Yes, he is paying Danny and Carlie for their killing spree, but they are also paying with their souls, although they don't know it at the time.

Yeah, the dialogue, as I said earlier, has been criticised pretty heavily, but it was defintely meant to be very sugary sweet, kind of as a diversion, so you'd think they were such a sweet, loving  couple.  It is going to be toned down as I said earlier.

What spelling mistakes are you referring to?  Anything other than iPod and Ociffer?  I hope not, cause I sure haven't found any mistakes, and I've edited this thing at least 100 times.  If there are more, please let me know!

Not sure if you liked this or not, but I hope you enjoyed the read. There are purposely alot of characters, as I wanted a large body count, and I didn't want it to include unknown characters for the most part.  I also purposely made the buildup very long and slow to kind of throw everyone off as to what was going to be taking place.  Most thought it was too long a buildup, and I will be cutting the bar scene down a bit.

Danny and Carlie were suppsed to be kind of funny when they were killing, as they're actually funny, goofy people.  The kills were supposed to be brutal and realistic, but also be a bit whacky in how they talk with each other after they've just commited these horrible acts of violence.

Thanks again for the read, Sean!

I'm not saying you don't like them, I'm just saying they're not really necessary. When an actor who is good at speaking broken English plays a character who speaks broken English, they might include a few "uh's" if they think it's necessary, if the screenwriter tells you, or if you put "..." in between the words (like you did with "pro...pane?")

Instead of having Mike jump out of the water due to "convulsions," maybe you can have Tobias watch him die, and then notices that Cyndi has gotten up and ran away. So then he shoots her.

Hm. Weird. Usually you just need a bag for ski clothes (pants, jackets, and boots), and a bag for normal clothes (clothes to wear around town and clothes to wear under ski clothes). So that's almost four. Well, then, I guess you have Carlie's bathroom bag with EVERYTHING she doesn't need.

Ha ha I think I was able to distinguish which kid was which by the end. One question: why was everyone getting so mad at Nicole? The things she said didn't seem too insulting or whatever.

Okay, they were joking about Martin being gay, but they never really said Just Kidding and, I don't know if he didn't or not, Martin didn't try defending himself.

I think you should have made Jill come back to life, but as a zombie

So if Xavier is "Satan," why would he be kind enough not to kill children? Satan is evil and should have feel remorse for anyone.

I just said spelling mistakes because of iPod and ociffer and because of habit (like, if I see one mistake, then I feel as though it's mentioned as a spelling mistake in the summary of what mistakes there are).

Oh, I liked it, alright. I seem to be getting those questions lately also. Do I like it or not? But I liked this. The build-up was slow for some parts, but I think the bar scene was well done. Yeah, you kind of need to tone it down just a bit, but I liked it. I like lotsa talk as long as it's interesting.

Yeah, like I said, it reminded me of part 2 in The Signal. You should see that if you haven't. It was made in a cool way: 3 parts directed by 3 different directors; the second part is hilarious.

No problem!

Sean

Hello, Dreamscale. I've just read your latest draft of "Fade to White" and, while I have some reservations, I found your screenplay quite intriguing.

First of all, I greatly enjoyed the central premise of the story. Having the seemingly likable and ordinary Danny and Carlie turn out to be a pair of heartless killers was a very clever touch. I especially found Danny's habit of whistling after killing someone quite unsettling.

The dialogue for the most part flowed quite well, with nothing sounding too jarring or out of place. That being said, I do think the dialogue could do with another polish. For example, Rosie's aside to Danny and Carlie about how they would make wonderful parents comes across as rather awkward.

You've probably heard this before, but a great way to improve your dialogue is to simply recite each line out loud. You'd be surprised to find how many phrases and sentences look normal on the page but sound out of place when read aloud.

In addition, saying the lines out loud allows you to determine if the characters you've created would actually speak in that fashion if they really existed. This would be especially useful for improving Danny and Carlie's dialogue, as there were a few times when they seemed to sound like a couple in their early twenties instead of the more polished thirty-somethings they are supposed to be.

You may also want to take a more critical look at some of your scenes to determine if they are really necessary to further the story. For example, the scene between Danny and Carlie in the sports store as well as the phone call between Officer Jacobs and his wife do not further the plot along and could be eliminated entirely.

Furthermore, Bobby and Jill's first radio conversation could be eliminated simply by having Jill tell Bobby she saw the others arrive at the Schaefer house and plans to stop by for a visit, while the second radio conversation could be eliminated entirely.

You may also want to reconsider Johnny's story about the time Jake possibly killed a man. At first, I assumed you were preparing a whodunit setup. With Danny and Carlie being quickly and firmly established as the killers, however, Johnny's story doesn't seem to serve much of a purpose. Furthermore, the scene where the drunk man is killed in the alleyway came across as an attempt to shoehorn another murder into the script. If you keep this scene in, you should tie it into the main story a little better.

One minor quibble I have was how Danny and Carlie sounded like a pair of psychopaths during some of their murders. I found having the pair suddenly turn into wisecrackers less disturbing than if they had continued to be their likable and ordinary selves while brutally murdering their victims.

As much as I enjoyed the central storyline of your screenplay, my biggest complaint must be reserved for the framing device you used. In my humble opinion, the wraparound story concerning Xavier and his secret murder society simply does not work and only serves as a distraction to the main story.

Instead of a surprise twist, the Xavier angle only raised more questions for me. Why exactly is Xavier paying people to become random serial killers? What benefit does he get out of such a risk? Why would two seemingly normal people such as Danny and Carlie become serial killers just to get the money to open Danny's new practice? Why is Xavier's offer more desirable than simply applying for a loan?

I had a similar reaction to the series of flashbacks placed at the end of the screenplay. What is the point of setting up an explosive to burst the Jeep's tire when Danny and Charlie could have created the same distraction by driving into a ditch and then telling the others they lost control after hitting a patch of black ice?

Furthermore, why is Jake's admission he forgot to put batteries in the garage door's remote control treated as a shocking revelation? Why is Carlie retrieving a knife and Danny retrieving both the poker and a pan treated as shocking revelations? In my humble opinion, I would suggest eliminating the wraparound story entirely and focusing on the main story.

I know these criticisms make it sound like I didn't enjoy your screenplay, but I'd like to reiterate I greatly enjoyed the basic premise of the story and, wit a little more polish, I could easily envision watching a film based on your script quite easily.

Hey Abel, thanks so much for the quick read and review.  As always, I'll comment on your comments and I may just be able to clear a few things up for you.  I'll go line by line to keep things easy.

Glad you liked the premise and thought the whistling was unsettling.  I also really like the "Somewhere over the Rainbow" whistling scenes.

I'm actually pretty surprised with your comments on the dialogue.  You mention reciting each line out loud, etc.  That's something that I frequently tell others, when reading "poor dialogue".  I've actually gone so far as to have read throughs with numerous people reading the lines, etc.  As far as I'm concerned, the dialogue rings very  true and "real".  There have been a few that have said that Danny and Carlie sometimes sound like 20 somethings.  While that may indeed be true, I don't think it matters, cause there are so many people (even in their 40's and 50's) that act, or sound like they're in their 20's.  I think the vast majority of instances where they sound younger, are when they're talking together...they've got their own little way of communicating, and I guess it comes off as "younger".

As for scenes that may not need to be in here, I think it comes down to personal taste and opinion.  The Sports Store scene has been drasticly cut down from its original form.  As it sits now, it's no more than 30 seconds long, and if you're saying that the cost to include the scene isn't worth the payoff, you may be correct.  But for 30 seconds of film time, or less than half a page in the script, I don't see it being a problem at all.  It shows another aspect of Danny and Carlie, and how they interact.  But most importantly, it cuts up the bar scene, which is quite long as it is, and without this short cutaway scene, the bar scene would drag way to long.

The phone call scene with Jacobs and his wife plays out at around a minute, or a page of script.  It shows a few things...hopefully, it gives Officer Jacobs a personality, and has you at least a bit interested in his fate.  He's not just some throw away cop that stumbles onto the scene to get killed and be a buffoon...he's a real guy with a wife and a life outside of the events that are playing out.

As for Bobby and Jill's various 2-way radio conversations, again, they're in here for numerous reasons.  I think they've got a unique relationship and come across as interesting characters.  I want my audience to be routing for Jill...and even Bobby.  Without onscreen time, they wouldn't come across as anything other than cardboard cutouts of characters.  I think their back and forth banter is amusing, and I also like the outdoor snow scenes with Jill and the dogs.  It will play out nicely against the scenes before and after them.  And finally, if you take all their conversation scenes in total, we're not talking about more than a few pages, or a few minutes of actual movie.

I personally don't think that every single scene has to advance the story or plot.  100's of "meaningless" scenes from movies come to mind, and although the scene defintely wasn't necessary, it proved to be memorable, different, unique, whacky...something that really added to the movie, even though its inclusion was most likely unwarranted.

McD's story about Jake kiling the Mexican is in here for several reasons.  First, it's funny and sick at the same time.  It's also a shocking revelation about Jake, and sets him up to be a formidable protaganist...or possibly even an atagonist.  At this point in the script, it is far from apparent that Danny and Carlie are anything other than a loving couple getting ready to ski.  By then killing Jake off first, I think it comes across as quite a shock, cause based on this story, you wouldn't think he'd be the first to go, and not put up a better fight.

The scene with the drunk guy getting offed is a new addition, and is meant to serve a few different purposes.  First of all, it puts the threat of a killer at large in Durango, right off the bat.  It breaks up some slow time and keeps the viewer on their feet, so to speak.  Because the killer's identity isn't revealed, it's up the each individual to assume what they want to.  Is Tobias here in Durango?  Could Danny be a killer, or is it too obviously set up for us to think this?  Is someone following Danny and after him?  Lots of different angles here that get the mind thinking of different scenarios.

I didn't try and change Danny and Carlie's personality while they were killing or discussing it afterwards. I think they act just like they do all the time.  They're both rather goofy and enjoy joking around.  Maybe the issue is that it's hard to "like" someone who just brutally killed a bunch of people and seemingly has no remorse.  It's actually one of the central themes here...can you route for or like a cold blooded killer?  It's a tough call, and that's the idea.

OK, finally, the Xavier situation.  This has caused much debate and confusion.  I added alot in this draft to make this more clear, but it sounds like you didn't get it.  There is no "secret murder society" here at all.  I think if you reread Xavier's 1 scene as well as Carlie's conversation with Blacky at the end, you might understand the situation a bit better.  Or, you could just read some of the later reviews and my comments back.  At this point, I'm not going to go through it again, but I'm very surprised you didn't get what was really going on here.

As for this "reveal" leaving you with questions, that's actually good in my book.  It's supposed to be ambiguous and is supposed to leave each individual with the ability to assume what they want and open things up for discussion.

As for the "missing scenes", sorry they didn't work for you.  I personally love them, as they fill in holes or leaps in logic that took place during the film.  The explosive device was simply a way to "stage" an accident.  Maybe you didn't get the description of Highway 550, but if one was to just "drive into a ditch", they would most likely be in grave danger of death, or at least a totalled car.  It's actually a very dangerous road in reality, and was an inspiration for this portion of the story.

Jake not putting batteries in the remote was not meant to be a "shocking revelation", but simply an interesting and even funny aside...his last line in this scene is, "It's not gonna kill us.".  Well, in reality, it had a lot to do with the way things turned out.  If they had driven into the garage, McD, Janey, and Marty also would have parked in the garage when they got home, and Officer Jacobs would have been closer to the front door.  Most importantly though, Martin wouldn't have been killed and most likely would have survived.  You may have also wondered why they would be parking in the long driveway during a huge snowstorm?  This was just a very brief recap of what set it up.

As for the other missing scenes you commented on, it probably seemed very odd when Carlie just pulled out this big butcher knife in the closet with Meg.  Just a recap of her setting herself up for her first kill.  And what about when  Danny just grabbed a fire poker off the kitchen island?  You had to wonder why in the Hell a fire poker would be sitting there, right?  This missing scene tells you how it got there and why.

Thanks again for your time and honest feedback.  It is greatly appreciated Abel.  Hope I was able to fill in some gaps with my comments.

Take care.

Hey Jeff. As you know this is based on the updated version. Just gonna copy and paste my notes first.

Johnny comes across as a bit of a nut due to his story. Suspect?

Bar scene is fine but maybe have Johnny's story about Jake told through flashback. Even just a little glimpse, I think it would add to uncertainty of his character if we actually see him going psycho.

Quite often you give actor notes after the dialogue;

eg. pg 37 'Nicole slurs badly' after she has spoken her dialogue. I think that should be written beforehand or even as a wryly.

Pg 42. Like the wink from Danny to Carlie before the first kill. Maybe have her act a little funny afterwards. Quiet.

Watch its it's – could do with another proofread for that.

Like the foreshadowing with the dogs. 'I'm too little for that'.

People say also a lot in dialogue, and you say it quite a bit in the actions.

Give Danny a weakness? Injury? Some hope when he's killing the first two.

Second murder – True Romance?

Earlier reveal of Bobby's injury? Do like how you wrote the reveal though.

Pg  80. she's instead of she

83.He's instead of he

pg 98. Officer

Listened to the song while reading the credits. Good choice.

I thought it was really good Jeff, as I did with the earlier draft. Have you tried entering this for comps yet? I think it's pretty close to being ready for that. As I said above it could use another proofread for typos.

I would have liked a running theme throughout the script, apart from the snow. You've got a few different ones you could go with. The Devil? Songs that play, imagery -- example, the poster for Godfather II with the upside down cross caused by the lighting.

Another thing you could go for is just making Carlie and Danny extremely messed up. I mean normal people to the outside world, but just messed up sexually. When they both say near the end that what they're saying is scary have them kind of getting off on it. Same as in the scene in the bedroom after Carlie's killed the two girls. Lead it up to a love scene but they stop, realising that they've gotta carry on. Probably isn't something you were going for, but just throwing that idea out there cos they are pretty messed up for agreeing to do this.

The True Romance comment above is because the scene with 'Tony Soprano' (haha can't remember the actor's name) and Alabama came to mind. Where he's kind of admiring her spirit, I thought Danny was doing the same thing. Maybe go for that a bit more. I saw it as a good chance to show more about Danny's character, afterall she'll be dead soon so why not?

I liked how you trimmed the build up.

It was a really good read again mate, so all the above are just suggestions. Good luck with it.

Thanks so much for reading this again, Ste. I totally appreciate it!

I think you're refferring to Jake being the nut, in Johnny's story.  Early drafts had that story "shown" in flashback, but I decided against it, as the scene itself would be a big undertaking, with literally hundreds of extras, 2 new sets, and some more costly EFX for the pipe to head shot.  In the end, I decided that I kinda liked just having the story being told and all of them onscreen, listening, drinking, etc.  Just a couple more minutes of screen time for all of them, so you can get to know them a bit better.

Yeah, the story serves a few things, other than being funny and sick at the same time.  I wanted Jake to come across as a "nice" guy, polite and all, but with a wild side when he drinks.  Possible suspect?  Sure.  Also though, a Protag that can hold his own and should be difficult to take out...being the first to go, and going without a fight, I thought was a shock that no one would see coming.

You're definitely right about my "actor notes"  I think you're also right that they should be given either before or in ( ) under the character's name for the dialogue.  I think I'll clean those up.

Good catch on the "he's" and "she's" on Page 80 and 83.  I changed both of those sentences for this draft, and obvioously forgot to change those words as well.

The "officer" comment on Page 98, is actually correct the way it is, as I pointed out to someone else.  They are mocking him by caling him "Ociffer"...kinda a play on a drunk guy being pulled over by a cop and the first thing out of his mouth is a slurred "ociffer", which immediately seals his fate...ya know what I'm saying?

I've heard from others about the "its" and it's", but I keep missing them.  Funny, cause I've edited this thing literally hundreds of times.  I can't believe I keep missing these simple things.  Even funnier, my Major in school was Technical Editing, and I'm usually pretty good at catching things on first read..how they continue to elude me this long is crazy!

Alot have said the same thing about the "also"s in people's speech.  I have tried to edit a bunch out, but I'm sure there're still a bunch in there.  I'll look for them and see if they sound too repetitive.  There were (or still are) a bunch of "you know"s at the end of people's dialogue. I may have changed too many into "also".  I'll look for that ALSO!

Danny does get injured during the 2nd kill, so I think that's enough for him.

As for a running theme, I like that idea.  You probably noticed that I "conformed" and took out all the actual song placements that I had in there before.  Would love to throw some in there again, but I decided not to come off as "amateurish" by including actual songs, but I do miss the "Highway to Hell" placement, and if that was indeed going to be a recurring theme, there are obviously lots and lots of cool choices that would definitely add to this idea.

Also like your idea about Danny and Carlie doing a few more "messed up" things between each other, after the killing has begun.  But the bottom line is that they really aren't messed up.  As Carlie says in the end to Blacky, "I don't feel evil...".  My take on it is that the "empowerment" that they got from Xavier enables them to go through with these kills...kinda like they're not really themselves while it's happening.  Also, they never actually agreed to give their souls, and at this time, they still don't really know what they've "signed up for".  Obviously they had that inherent trait that allowed them to take human life, but other than that, not only are they good people on the outside, but still on the inside as well.  This will all play out in the sequel.

"True Romance" is one of my favorite movies of all time, and I do see what you're referring to.  I didn't think about that when writing the scene though.  I have considered adding a bit more torment there with Janey, but Danny really does like her, so I don't know.

I entered this into the "Movie Deal Screenplay Contest".  Wouldn't it be wild if someone there actually liked it?  It's obviiously a HUGE longshot, but you just never know.

So Ste, do you think it reads better now that it's been trimmed down?  Do you like the additional kill scene in town before they even meet the kids?  Does it open things up more, in that maybe Danny is going to be a killer?  Or maybe Tobias has reached Durango now and is following Danny from the back alley?

Also, does the end read clearer now as to Xavier?  I totally changed the conversation between Carlie and Blacky so that it hopefully sheds more light onto what's really going on.

Thanks again, mate!  You rock!

BTW  Glad you checked out "Shimmering Highs".  Awesome song and I feel so strongly about it playing over the end credits that I just couldn't get myself to take it out, so I guess I still do have 1 song placement, but being at the very end, hopefuly no one who matters will have a problem with it.