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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Fade to White Moderators: bert
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 3rd, 2013, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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I've got the latest draft, which is from late last year.  I never posted it because, as I said, without a decent logline, I don't see the reason.

I can E-Mail you the latest if you're interested.  Although the same in many ways, there are several additions to the script and much of the meaningless banter in the much hated bar scene has been removed.

PM me your E-Mail and I'll send it over.  Thanks for the interest.
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UofOstudent
Posted: June 3rd, 2013, 11:25am Report to Moderator
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No problem. I threw out my old script and only kept the creature. Good to hear your refining it. I'll PM my email.
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NickSedario
Posted: July 25th, 2013, 6:41am Report to Moderator
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Read the new draft.  Definitely not your basic run-of-the-mill story.  I found myself getting slightly confused by so many characters, but I read it with the TV playing in the b.g.  Not a good idea for a story like this.   I'm actually gonna have to read it again.

Storywise, A little too much killing for my liking,  but if this were to get filmed it'd be a hundred mile an hour ride.   Page 93 when Jcobs got shot in the cheek  I thought that was a brilliant touch.  And there's a bunch of unique moments like that throughout the script that lead me to believe you pay very close attention to detail.  

What I admired most about this was the flawless formatting.  Truly a template for others to follow.

I'm not sure I understand who Xavier was.  Sorry for the somewhat general review, but like I said I'm gonna have to reread it to fully grasp the story.

22, 378 views?  I can't help but wonder if this is the most read script on SS.  Has anyone ever checked that statistic?
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 25th, 2013, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Nick.  Thanks for the read and feedback.  I always appreciate it.

Glad you like it for what it is.  It will not appeal to all, and it is quite violent and maybe even disturbing to many.

Many have commented on the number of characters, but IMO, if you're going to have a bloody horror script/movie with alot of kills, you'll need alot of characters to get killed.  I have never been one who admires new characters (cannon fodder) wandering in and immediately getting killed, so I always try and intro each character and give them some sort of life...and character.  Hopefully, as you read on, each character did have their own voice and you got to know a little about each.

As for X, I'll have to E-Mail or PM you, as I don't want to give anything away here (although I have in the past), as I know a few peeps are reading this currently and don't want to ruin any reveals.

One thing I will say, and I always say, read exactly what's written...don't read anything in, and don't make assumptions.  The ending/reveal is purposely ambiguous, but IMO, all the answers you seek are there on the page.

Thanks again, bro.  I appreciate your feedback.
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rolo
Posted: July 25th, 2013, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILER ALERT! - PLEASE DON'T READ THESE COMMENTS IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE SCRIPT!!

This is a good script! The writing is lean, very visual and contains lots of striking images! Best of all, despite its visual appeal, it's not overwritten! The action/description is concise - Not a single paragraph more than three sentences long!

The dialog is generally good - lots of clever, nice banter. The character work is also pretty good!

Story/structure was generally good - The third act was particularly strong, dare I say, exciting!

The niggles I had while reading, such as who is Tobias and what is his role? The use of random weapons? The lack of any real planning during the killings? The apparent randomness of the drunk guy's murder. The coincidence of the tire blowing out etc. All that was tied up nicely at the end.

Like I said, this is a good script - But that's not to say it can't be improved!

For me, after the opening scenes at the Steamboat Ski Resort, the story opted for a slow build... perhaps too slow?! We get lots of lively banter at the Horny Toad bar etc - but very little conflict until Jake meets his end on page 47.

Similarly, the resolution, and who exactly Xavier is and what his role in the story is, needs a lot more set up for it to work to maximum effect. If I remember correctly, in "The Devil's Advocate" we get a good indication of exactly who Al Pacino's character is, well before the resolution, and the story is all the better for it!

Perhaps use the end of the first act up until the midpoint to introduce us to Xavier and his influence on Danny and Carlie and what their true intentions are. This would add suspense and tension - knowing exactly what they had planned for their new found drinking buddies would create a sense of dread and that's always a good thing in a horror story!

Though I felt the dialog was good, I still feel it needs a little polish, particularly during the killings  - It felt a little forced in my opinion.

Tonally, the story was consistent. However, I felt a definite Dark Comedy vibe at times in the third act when all hell broke loose. Using a frying pan as a murder weapon, the killers referencing "Dirt Harry" etc  - took this away from being a truly scary horror and added a more playful tone.

Similarly, Danny and Carlie came across as somewhat apologetic for their actions at  times - I'd like to see them become more sinister, enjoy their terrible deeds more. Up the 'creepy' factor with them!

When I read a script, I often find it tough to keep track of lots of characters, particularly when they're introduced more or less at the same time - This script had sixteen or seventeen characters (if you include the newscaster, drunk etc) in the first twelve pages! Maybe you could stagger them a bit more - not have us meet all the guys at the Horny Toad at the same time.

Speaking of characters, my only real disappointment with this script was Johnny! He promised so much but delivered so little! Here we have a guy who is brazen enough to walk into a Ladies restroom, beats a Mexican bouncer with a metal pipe to within an inch of his life - yet when it's his time to step up to the plate he fails miserably! Not only that, he's taken out with a frying pan!

I'd like to see him put up much more of a struggle - inflict some real pain/injuries on Danny AND Carlie. One idea, that would add a nice twist would be - What if Johnny has, unknown to Danny and Carlie, made the same deal with Xavier?

It would fit the "rules" so to speak - And would give Danny and Carlie one helluva shock if he turned up at their place to do to them what they had themselves had just done!

This is a good script regardless! Congrats, Jeff!

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Guest
Posted: July 25th, 2013, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
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I really gotta get around to reading this draft, Jeff.

The one rolo read, is it the same one you sent me a few months ago?
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 25th, 2013, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Guest
I really gotta get around to reading this draft, Jeff.

The one rolo read, is it the same one you sent me a few months ago?


Yes...I think the last update was last December.

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Dreamscale
Posted: July 26th, 2013, 1:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Gary, thanks for the read and feedback.  As promised, I’ll post feedback on Offline next Monday.


Quoted from rolo
This is a good script! The writing is lean, very visual and contains lots of striking images! Best of all, despite its visual appeal, it's not overwritten! The action/description is concise - Not a single paragraph more than three sentences long!

The dialog is generally good - lots of clever, nice banter. The character work is also pretty good!

Story/structure was generally good - The third act was particularly strong, dare I say, exciting!


Thanks for the compliments.  Glad you enjoyed.


Quoted from rolo
For me, after the opening scenes at the Steamboat Ski Resort, the story opted for a slow build... perhaps too slow?! We get lots of lively banter at the Horny Toad bar etc - but very little conflict until…page 47.


Many agree it’s slow/too slow after the intro up to or around Page 47.  It was a purposeful decision and a nonstandard structure that I definitely wanted to employ.  After the bloody intro, I felt that readers/watchers would understand what they were going to be in for, so I wanted to take my time and really churn out a slow burner, keeping the audience wondering what was going to happen, when, and why.  The payoff that follows is hopefully worth the ride up the long hill.


Quoted from rolo
Similarly, the resolution, and who exactly Xavier is and what his role in the story is, needs a lot more set up for it to work to maximum effect. If I remember correctly, in "The Devil's Advocate" we get a good indication of exactly who Al Pacino's character is, well before the resolution, and the story is all the better for it!


I understand and agree about Devil’s Advocate, but this is a totally different animal compared to that.  Many say Xavier is an afterthought, and that’s essentially correct.  It’s definitely not his story – it’s Danny and Carlie’s.


Quoted from rolo
Perhaps use the end of the first act up until the midpoint to introduce us to Xavier and his influence on Danny and Carlie and what their true intentions are. This would add suspense and tension - knowing exactly what they had planned for their new found drinking buddies would create a sense of dread and that's always a good thing in a horror story!


I always appreciate ideas, but this isn’t the direction I want to go.  The idea is/was to take a very simple premise that’s been done to death and turn it upside down…flip it, so to speak.  Many call this a slasher, but I disagree, but, what it does share with the slasher genre is all upside down, because everything is told/shown from the killers’ perspective, and the lead in keeps it completely open as to who is the killer.  The turn on page 47 hopefully was a surprise and or shock.  If that doesn’t work, the script won’t work either.  I tried many different ways to intro X, but each way totally changed the feel and the reveal was no longer a reveal.


Quoted from rolo
Though I felt the dialog was good, I still feel it needs a little polish, particularly during the killings  - It felt a little forced in my opinion.

Tonally, the story was consistent. However, I felt a definite Dark Comedy vibe at times in the third act when all hell broke loose. Using a frying pan as a murder weapon, the killers referencing "Dirty Harry" etc  - took this away from being a truly scary horror and added a more playful tone.


I hear ya on the dialogue.  Personally, I really like it and have worked on it for a long, long time.  I think there will always be places where any dialogue can be improved, but for the most part, I’m pretty happy with it, as it stands.

Danny and especially Carlie are rather goofy characters.  I definitely did not intend on comedy, but I always appreciate humor in scripts and movies, even played for keeps horror.  That was my intent throughout, again, especially with Carlie.  Most don’t seem to catch her “funny” lines, but if you pay close attention, I think you’ll find the majority of what she says, is goofy/funny/silly, as that’s who she is.

I like your comment about “playful tone”, as that’s correct, IMO.  Is it scary?  Well, I think scary is a personal feeling, and this is not supposed to be scary, per se, but it is played for real, take no prisoners, pull no punches horror.  If you noticed, there are very, very few jump scares, no real chase scenes, nor most horror movies conventions.  The kills come rather fast and up until the finale, they’re not even contested, because no one is aware what’s going on, including the audience.  But, once it’s revealed on page 47, the audience is the only one to fear Danny…and soon Carlie, so the scares are a different sort than what we’re usually force fed, if that makes sense.


Quoted from rolo
Similarly, Danny and Carlie came across as somewhat apologetic for their actions at  times - I'd like to see them become more sinister, enjoy their terrible deeds more. Up the 'creepy' factor with them!


Well, I definitely hear what you’re saying, but again, I wanted this to be different and wanted to stay away from clichés and clichéd, evil killers.  In reality, I actually believe that there are those who will actually root for D & C.  They’re not bad peeps.  Actually, they’re very cool peeps, but Danny ran into trouble (in some back story that has since been cut) and needed a way to maintain their lavish lifestyle and in stepped X with open arms and a way to get the money necessary for a new office.  When Carlie talks with Blacky on the slope the next day, she says a few things that most miss or don’t understand, in that she knows what they’ve done and aren’t unhappy with their choice, because they believe that the doors that they opened can be shut as well.  For me, this concept can be applied to anyone and any situation.  What do you do when you know you want or need something and the way you can easily obtain it is by doing something(s) that you know you shouldn’t?  Obviously here, it’s played to the ultimate extreme, and as X says near the end, “it takes a certain kind and a certain mindset”, and IMO, that’s very true.


Quoted from rolo
When I read a script, I often find it tough to keep track of lots of characters, particularly when they're introduced more or less at the same time - This script had sixteen or seventeen characters (if you include the newscaster, drunk etc) in the first twelve pages! Maybe you could stagger them a bit more - not have us meet all the guys at the Horny Toad at the same time.


Many have said the exact same thing, and I definitely feel all of your pain.  I think you can throw out the intro, as these characters all die very quickly.  The kids in the Horny Toad are all intro’d together, but I do honestly believe that you’ll get to know each of them soon after, as they’re all intro’d by name quickly after their intro onscreen – as in, they literally introduce themselves by name to D &C, and then when the group is split up, it becomes much easier.  I wanted to stay away from obvious genre clichés, in terms of “the nerd”, “the jock”, “the hot chick”, etc.  Janelle is definitely the hot chick, but IMO, she’s got a unique personality that lifts her above the norm and makes her stand out for who she is.


Quoted from rolo
Speaking of characters, my only real disappointment with this script was Johnny! He promised so much but delivered so little! Here we have a guy who is brazen enough to walk into a Ladies restroom, beats a Mexican bouncer with a metal pipe to within an inch of his life - yet when it's his time to step up to the plate he fails miserably! Not only that, he's taken out with a frying pan!

I'd like to see him put up much more of a struggle - inflict some real pain/injuries on Danny AND Carlie. One idea, that would add a nice twist would be - What if Johnny has, unknown to Danny and Carlie, made the same deal with Xavier?


Funny.  I definitely understand and this was another purposeful touch, or red herring in more than 1 way.  Johnny is definitely the biggest personality and his past (and present) actions make him seem like both a formidable foe and even potential Antag.  I wanted readers to think he’s going to be the last survivor and potentially the one to both save the day and also take out D & C.  But, he bites it without a fight and meets a gruesome demise at the hands of Danny and his LeCreuset frying pan, which then leaves Janelle to be the “surprise” final player.

I definitely don’t want any of the characters to be more than they are, or have any ulterior motives revealed in the end.  X works his game exactly as he lays it out.  He’s a “man” of his word, so to speak.  IMO, too many twists can be a bad thing, and I didn’t want to go the direction you’re suggesting.


Quoted from rolo
This is a good script regardless! Congrats, Jeff!


Thanks again, Gary.  I really appreciate your time.  Take care, bro.
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: August 10th, 2013, 9:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Dream

Is this the new draft, or do I have to request it? I'm a bit confused. I would love to revisit this.

Thanks, BLB



Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 11th, 2013, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bee, what up?  I just E-Mialed you the latest/final draft.  Hope you enjoy.

If you ahev anything you want looked at, just let me know.

Thanks for the interest!
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: August 30th, 2013, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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Do you think your non standard approach may be the cause for having difficult creating a premise?

Horror can be a narrow form, but symbolic if not thematic. I don't think it's necessary to have a character change. I do think that it's a great tool for horror to have; or, at least, they have a symbolic/thematic aspect, even if that aspect is inferred. Probably, better if it is just inferred creating subtext, an undercurrent.

I agree at it's core horror is about one thing, 'survival.' But that in it of it's self can raise many questions, what is 'survival,' mental, moral, spiritual, physical which can lead to many more angles given context/world.

Since, I addressed the ending, I'm going to make my way back to the beginning of the story and it's structure. The motivation and desire of the protagonist, Danny and Carlie. The desire of Danny and Carlie is to kill. Kill who the group of kids. This is straight forward desire and a driving force. It comes on a little late, but when it does it's clear and watch out. We will know whether they have succeeded or not in accomplishing the desire.

The motivation, as far as we know when the story opens, these two have little motivation for what is about to transpire. When Carlie informs Danny about Johnny and the incident in the bathroom, this could have been perceived as the flame that ignites Danny's fuse, however, Johnny isn't present at the house, so there's no tension for that, and I don't think that's what you were going for anyway. Another thing on the motivation. I'm going to refer to the end here, briefly. It's as if you took the scene that would have provided motivation, the scene with Xavier, and placed it at the end. Chronological it is the beginning, it still is the motivation, the office/money. I understand that's by design, but with that in mind, the scene before where Carlie explains to Blackbourn how Danny had to kill the bum in order to reassure himself he could go through with it. That was the potential for change I was talking about. He was struggling with something, he wasn't just a killer at the start of the story. Are they killer's before the story takes place? If so, why this scene with that explanation?

Danny & Carlie are doing a lot of the planning, thinking and action. That's great for plot, yet I do wonder if you're missing out on having the group of kids be so passive. Then again, having them be caught of guard provides an element of surprise.


BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Guest
Posted: August 30th, 2013, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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I forgot all about this!

Thanks to Busy Little Bee for bumping it up on the portal.

I was actually up late last night reading this.  Got about 50 pages in.

Took small notes -- will elaborate on them more when I get the chance to organize my thoughts (and finish the rest of the script, of course).
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 30th, 2013, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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James, i'll get back to your thoughts a bit later - Thanks so much for all the thought you put into this 9and the E-mails as well)!

Reap, are you reading the latest draft, I hope?  If not, PM/E-mail me, and I'll get it over to you.

Thank, guys!
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Guest
Posted: August 30th, 2013, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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I'm reading the one that you e-mailed me a few months ago when I asked you for the latest draft.
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Guest
Posted: August 30th, 2013, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Double checked, you sent me the draft on March 4.
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