Troy, I'll give it a look, and like The Reap asked, is there a newer draft available?

Hope to see you in the upcoming OWC - a great way to get to know some peeps here and get lots of reads on your work.

This is the most recent draft (at least it should be).  However, it is still a few years old.

Thanks again!  

OK, bro.  I'll give it a look.

Oh ....

I just read this cos I did a kind of horror exchange with Jeff, who was nice enough to read mine and give good notes. But now I see there are already 33 pages of comments and everything has been said a bunch of times.

Here's what I thought.

Firstly, Jeff knows how to technically write a screenplay, no need to comment there. A lot of people thought there wasn't much to it, detail wise, and such comments. But I could see two cool approaches to the material.

Parts of it reminded me of two things. Firstly I thought of Twin Peaks, where regular deceptively banal things were a bit off, ski lodges, local police, holiday making couple: and then sudden violence came out. The other was the Tales from the Crypt hour longs - especially with the over credits end / twist sequence.

Maybe it's just how my mind works, but I like to look for tone.

You could pick either one of those stylistic approaches and then subtly tweak the action and dialogue to play to it, just a little but enough to infer the style. Then this would transform into a next level piece, I think.

It would be a cool exercise to do also.

Take the Twin Peaks feeling and dialogue, it would take only a small sideways step to change the existing dialogue for Carlie and Danny, to be a creepy pastiche of 50's USA perfect couples. It's practically there already.

So in this way, I found this script really interesting.

Thanks for the read and feedback, Andy.  I appreciate it.

Glad you were entertained.

This has gone through numerous tweeks over the years, but I think I'm about done with it at this point.

What I wanted was an intelligent upside down flipping of the classic slasher film, where things don't work out the way you think they will, characters don't do dumbass things, and no punches are pulled.

As I said on your thread, when you have a rewrite ready, I'll read your entire script and give you some feedback.

Thanks again, and glad to have you here at Simply Scripts.




If anyone is interested, I have a new draft available - the one posted here is very, very old!!!  

Hey Jeff, here goes my 2 cents:
I am reading the second one right now.  I thought I'd tackle the 2 longest ones first and save the shorts for last.

Here goes:

1.  Page 3, you say glassed in room.  Shouldn't it be glassed-in-room since they are all connected?

2.  page 5, when talking about the ipod.  You say no one but HE can hear.  Shouldn't it be him since it's the direct object?

3.  I had never heard of the word waft and now, I think I've seen it like 10 times over 2 days.  Is it that good of a word?

4. To me, this reads odd.  Perhaps it's because you say the door opens twice in a short period of time.  An old classic plays, but it can only be heard when the door
opens. The door opens, Danny starts to sing along.
5.  Is this right?  It seems like the last one has the wrong name:
JAKE
          If you repeat this to Lisa, I swear
          I'm gonna tell Janelle you're gay
          and make her believe it.
                      JOHNNY
          Like you and Janey are a thing?
                      JAKE
          Yeah, in his wet dreams they are.

6.  Page 85 you write this
Her foot catches in the bundle as it's released, and she
falls, tumbles face first down the final three steps.
She lets out a muffled cry.
The knife hits the floor and flies from her hand, spinning
forward along the floor.

It's very confusing.  Who is her?  Is it Janelle or Carlie?  Who is she?  

7.  Page 98, you have Cooper speaking, but, he hasn't been introduced yet, so, wouldn't that be O.S. or V.O.?

8.  Page 100 how could they tell that a big butcher knife is missing?  How do they know for sure that knife wasn't missing for years?  Or in another part of the house, or something.  

9.  This sentence seems off:
She shakes the snow from her
Shouldn't that be she shakes the snow off of her body or something else?

10.   Just finished it.  Let me think about it over night...

First impression was, I want to know more about the rules.  I also would like to think they get more then just money.  I also would like to know more about the big bad potential Satan dude.  And how he's the giver of life.  Perhaps if all these people had donor cards.  Or if they weren't random per se or at all.  But carefully orchestrated.  

Will write more tomorrow.

Be sure to send me the links so I can post this and the other one to your site on SS.  I'm not real sure how to look for stories.  And I don't want to search each list for one story.

My biggest issue after I slept on it was this:
What are the characters there for?  I'm not talking about the 2 leads.  I get their motivation, but, what about the other "kids" but, they really aren't kids, they are adults who have enough money to go on such a nice trip, but, yet, none seem that smart.  I know you got the rich girl, but, she's not gonna pay for everyone.  What, did they win a trip?  They don't seem interesting.  I was told that my story's biggest issue is that we don't know enough about them, how they think, what they feel etc to care about them.  

Why am I sorry that they died?  Why do I care?  Do I care b/c they are all hot and I want to see hot girls punished?  I'm not like that.  Really

So, why are they there?  You know what people say about the newest movies that are "horror" like Human Centipede (never seen, but, have read a LOT about it, don't plan to see) is that the characters are there for our amusement only.  They serve no other reason.  I kinda got the same feeling here.  Why are they there?  To have sex, drink, do drugs, etc...  That's it?

And now onto the 2 main characters.  SPOILERS
So. they agree to kill all these random people, for what?  He gets a bigger office.   And that is all he needs to sell his soul?  I don't know, seems flimsy.  If he got funding for 30 years that he could keep, or got 10 mil for that, okay.  Even if he did it so that his sister could get medical care that she can't get anywhere else (talk about the giver of life and death), okay, I can accept that.  What does he wife get?  You never mention anything.  Why bring her if she doesn't get anything?

That's it.

Thanks
Dan

I was reading some of the comments and I don't agree.

I like the slow buildup.  It's my favorite kind of story.  Some of my all time fav horror stuff is the Exorcist, Omen (original versions)  actually, original for everything unless I state otherwise,  Halloween, Friday 13th, Nightmare on Elm St.  and April Fools day.  And the original zombie flicks including Return of the living dead.  And for some reason, Return of the living dead part 3, but, I imagine that has more to do with the super hottie and the terrible choice he has to make and less about the movie.

But, I like the slow buildup.  I just wish the dialog exposed more of their dreams, hopes etc and about them.  

Thanks again, Dan for reading and providing feedback.  I appreciate it.

You're sure a tough one to please, in fact, I don't think I've heard a single remotely positive thing yet, but that's not a problem and I appreciate all feedback, positive or negative.

As always, I'll respond to your questions and comments where applicable.

Quoted from DanC Page 3, you say glassed in room.  Shouldn't it be glassed-in-room since they are all connected?

I see nothing wrong without any hyphens.

Quoted from DanC page 5, when talking about the ipod.  You say no one but HE can hear.  Shouldn't it be him since it's the direct object?

"no one but him can hear"?  Does that look correct?  No, it's not.  It's correct as written.

Quoted from DanC To me, this reads odd.  Perhaps it's because you say the door opens twice in a short period of time.  An old classic plays, but it can only be heard when the door opens. The door opens, Danny starts to sing along.

I'd probably start a new passage to break them up, if I was going to make any changes.

Quoted from DanC Is this right?  It seems like the last one has the wrong name:                        JAKE           If you repeat this to Lisa, I swear           I'm gonna tell Janelle you're gay           and make her believe it.                       JOHNNY           Like you and Janey are a thing?                       JAKE           Yeah, in his wet dreams they are.

Jake and Johnny are talking to Martin in the first 2 lines.  In the 3rd line, Jake is responding to what Johnny said...to Johnny.

Wrylies could be used to make this more clear, or even an action line in between, saying something like Jake turns to Martin, or the like, but I never saw it as unclear.

Quoted from DanC Page 85 you write this Her foot catches in the bundle as it's released, and she falls, tumbles face first down the final three steps. She lets out a muffled cry. The knife hits the floor and flies from her hand, spinning forward along the floor. It's very confusing.  Who is her?  Is it Janelle or Carlie?  Who is she?

It's obvioulsy Carlie, as Carlie is the last name used in the line above.

The confusing thing here...and something I never went back and fixed up...is that this is a double Slug - STAIRWAY/FOYER.  It's not that it's incorrect, as the stairway and the foyer are open to each other, but it's something I wouldn't do now.

Carlie is on the stairs, coming down, and Janey is entering the foyer from the back hall, where they will meet at the bottom of the stairs, which is the foyer.

Quoted from DanC 7.  Page 98, you have Cooper speaking, but, he hasn't been introduced yet, so, wouldn't that be O.S. or V.O.?

Actually, he was very poorly intro'd as being 1 of the 2 OFFICERS, in the passage preceding it.  His dialogue is not OS or VO, as he is the one who finds Jill in the snow.

Quoted from DanC 8.  Page 100 how could they tell that a big butcher knife is missing?  How do they know for sure that knife wasn't missing for years?  Or in another part of the house, or something.

They know very little, but they can tell that Megan and Nicole were killed by a large knife, and they saw that a large knife was missing from the butcher block in the kitchen.  No one said anything about how long the knife was missing or if they knew it was indeed a murder weapon, in fact, Hawk says that he's not really sure about much at that point.

Quoted from DanC 9.  This sentence seems off: She shakes the snow from her Shouldn't that be she shakes the snow off of her body or something else?

Doesn't sound bad to me...could be better written, though.  The way you have it is not better, though, as her body is covered by ski clothing.

Quoted from DanC First impression was, I want to know more about the rules.  I also would like to think they get more then just money.  I also would like to know more about the big bad potential Satan dude.  And how he's the giver of life.  Perhaps if all these people had donor cards.  Or if they weren't random per se or at all.  But carefully orchestrated.

Dan, when you read a script or watch a movie, you can want whatever it is you may want, but chances are pretty good that you're not going to get it.  

The rules were very simple and clearly stated by X.  They are what they are and that's all there is to it.

They do get more than just money - they get empowerment, and in reality, they get whatever they want, although you wouldn't know that from this.  The mythology of X and his doings is much more elaborate than you see here, but do to choices I made, you got what you got.

X is much more prominent in the sequel, and much more is revealed on exactly what he's up to.

The randomness is the key here and why it would be almost impossible to ever catch such a killer.

Quoted from DanC My biggest issue after I slept on it was this: What are the characters there for?  I'm not talking about the 2 leads.  I get their motivation, but, what about the other "kids" but, they really aren't kids, they are adults who have enough money to go on such a nice trip, but, yet, none seem that smart.  I know you got the rich girl, but, she's not gonna pay for everyone.  What, did they win a trip?  They don't seem interesting.  I was told that my story's biggest issue is that we don't know enough about them, how they think, what they feel etc to care about them.

Dan...LOL...not sure how to respond to this other than this.  They're on a ski vacation among friends, to celebrate New Year's in Durango.  Durango is a fairly easy 8 hour drive from Phoenix and is the closest "semi big" mountain to the Valley of the Sun.  Many Phoenicians make this drive all winter to ski.  It is not expensive, in comparisons to Vail or the like, but is still a nice mountain and fun town to party in.

In terms of them not being interesting, well, all I can do is apologize for that.  I quite like the chemistry between them, the love interests, the unknown lesbian connection, and I think their banter says alot about who they are.

Quoted from DanC Why am I sorry that they died?  Why do I care?  Do I care b/c they are all hot and I want to see hot girls punished?  I'm not like that.  Really

Well, let's understand that up until the first kill of the group, which is on Page 46, you shouldn't really be expecting any of these "kids" to be killed.  In fact, the whole setup of the script, is to make you fear for Danny and Carlie, and probably suspect Johnny...or the whole lot of these kids.  It's really meant to be a complete reversal of the standard slasher fare.  But even if it weren't, and this was a standard setup with a bunch of dumbass kids about to get slaughtered, I tried to make everyone a unique individual who acts and thinks like a real person, unlike what you get time and time again in such movies.  Sorry it didn't work for you.

Quoted from DanC So, why are they there?  You know what people say about the newest movies that are "horror" like Human Centipede (never seen, but, have read a LOT about it, don't plan to see) is that the characters are there for our amusement only.  They serve no other reason.  I kinda got the same feeling here.  Why are they there?  To have sex, drink, do drugs, etc...  That's it?

Again, I don't follow what you're getting at, at all, Dan.

You shouldn't quote movies you haven't seen, either, but Human Centipede is not even a new movie, nor is it remotely mainstream...well done...or anything to compare to really anything.

Most horror movies are like you say, and they're poorly set up, poorly plotted. The characters make poor decisions, dumbass decisions...they do things no normal person would ever do, they go on trips to redonkulous places that no one would want to go to.  I reversed all of this, IMO, and eveything that every single character does, IMO, at least, makes perfect sense, and no one does dumbass shit just to offer an opportunity to get killed.

If you disagree, please show me what you're talking about.

Quoted from DanC And now onto the 2 main characters.  SPOILERS So. they agree to kill all these random people, for what?  He gets a bigger office.   And that is all he needs to sell his soul?  I don't know, seems flimsy.  If he got funding for 30 years that he could keep, or got 10 mil for that, okay.  Even if he did it so that his sister could get medical care that she can't get anywhere else (talk about the giver of life and death), okay, I can accept that.  What does he wife get?  You never mention anything.  Why bring her if she doesn't get anything?

Dan, again, you can only show so much in a script/movie and many times, what you don't choose to show provides the readers and viewers a chance to think for themselves.  Everything you ask is answerable, and at certain times, was actually included here...but it's gone because it's not important.

Danny lost his office and because of their expensive lifestyle, can't afford to buy out the new owners, can't get credit to rent it, and is in trouble of losing his practice.  Carly is his wife, so what's in it for him, is in it for her as well, as she lives a lavish lifestyle.  I don't know what you're talking about his sister, as ther'es no sister in this that I'm aware of.  They were "approached" by X because he knew they had a certain mindset and would be open to such a "deal".  What that deal is exactly is never said, and D & C aren't 100% sure themselves what they've done, but as Carly says to Blacky near the end, she beleives that the doors they have opened can also be closed.  In the sequel, alot more is revealed and many of your questions are actually answered.

As always, I appreciate back and forth discussions, so feel free to jump back in and let me know your feelings.

Thanks again for the read and feedback.  Take care, bro.

I just think you focus on the wrong things.  I want to know more about Satan, you want to give me a slasher.  

I think your gold is the guy.  I'd love to see more expanded.

And what I meant by the Human Centipede wasn't that it was new, but, it's a new wave of horror.  I don't have to "see" it to know about it or read it.  I know what all the newest horror stuff out there is.  Okay, not all, but, stuff that others talk about.

Stuff like Serbian Story, Martyrs, and Human Centipede and this was true of the second Human Centipede was that the characters serve no function other then to be tortured.  That is a new phenomenon.  Even in things like Saw, Hostel, Wolf Creek etc, the characters weren't all throw away.  But, with the Guinea Pig series, Human Centipede 1 and 2, and soon to be 3 (Staring none other then Jason Roberts) will most likely only play a role to entertain the madmen and the fans.

Again, here is the bottom line.  You gave us a slasher.  At the end, you gave us gold.  I wanted the gold.  I wanted the deaths to mean more.  I wanted it to be a classic.

Oh, and it isn't true.  There are plenty of things that I have read on here that I thought were really good to great.

Offline by Gary Rowlands
Geneva Country
Disassociation
Simpatico
Glitch

and plenty more.  So, I wouldn't say impossible to please.  Hard yes, impossible no.  I love lots of different things.

Dan

Dan, you can like and dislike whatever you choose.  I have no problem with that at all.  I believe in no holds honesty when it comes to feedback, so don't worry about that.

What I said...meant...was that you haven't said a single positive thing about any of my scripts, and again, that's fine, if that's what you feel, but then, you tell me you like every one of them, which doesn't make much sense to me, as you said nothing but negatives.

If you see nothing but bad, by all means, lay in and offer your help and advice.  But if you also see good, bring it up.  If you "like" something, you have to see some positives, I would imagine.

Anyone who is passionate about something will have strong feelings, and that's always a good thing, IMO.  I often "wish" a script or movie went somewhere other than where it chose to go.  If where it went makes no sense or is just ludicrous, I'll make that clear.  But if it's simply not where I wanted it to go, there's nothing I can do about that, as it's not my choice.

As always, I appreciate back and forth and am grateful for your time.

Talk later, bro, off to the gym...

Quoted from Dreamscale Dan, you can like and dislike whatever you choose.  I have no problem with that at all.  I believe in no holds honesty when it comes to feedback, so don't worry about that. What I said...meant...was that you haven't said a single positive thing about any of my scripts, and again, that's fine, if that's what you feel, but then, you tell me you like every one of them, which doesn't make much sense to me, as you said nothing but negatives. If you see nothing but bad, by all means, lay in and offer your help and advice.  But if you also see good, bring it up.  If you "like" something, you have to see some positives, I would imagine. Anyone who is passionate about something will have strong feelings, and that's always a good thing, IMO.  I often "wish" a script or movie went somewhere other than where it chose to go.  If where it went makes no sense or is just ludicrous, I'll make that clear.  But if it's simply not where I wanted it to go, there's nothing I can do about that, as it's not my choice. As always, I appreciate back and forth and am grateful for your time. Talk later, bro, off to the gym...

Oh, you really misread my intentions.  I point out the bad only to show you where it is.  That has nothing to do with how I feel about a story.  I don't know if that makes sense.

I try to focus on where I see issues so that if a producer or director reads it and brings it up to you that you either know about it before hand or changed it.  None of those comments in story (which are negative) have anything to do with how I feel.

When I read offline, I found like 30+ things to point out to him.  So, please don't think that me pointing out stuff that I'm not sure about means anything about the final product.  I just try to be very thorough in reading each person's script.  And as I said before, I have liked a lot of scripts, but, that doesn't mean that I didn't break them all down at one point.

That is usually why after I finish the story, I give my initial reaction to it, then sleep on it and give a final thought on it.  

I liked each story.  See, to me, there are 6 feelings to a movie:
Really hate.  Like Zombie Lake.  Worst horror movie I have ever seen.  Period.  So insanely dumb, I'd give it 0 stars.  Will gladly share why if you ask.

Hate.  These are for movies that are just plain dumb and terrible.  Troll 2.

No opinion.  Most movies fit here.  I read or watch them eh, whatever.  

Like is for movies or stories that I liked okay enough, but, I'd never pay to see again.  The first american take on Godzilla for ex.  Good special effects, but, that wasn't Godzilla.

Really like are for movies that I really enjoyed and would pay to see again and if I see it on TV, might watch it.  The original Total Recall did that for me.

LOVED is for movies or tv shows or whatever that I'd pay to see lots and it's a must watch for me.  The incredibles and Sky high are 2 of my fav stories.  So are the Exorcist, Omen, April Fools day, and plenty more are here.

I liked all of your stories.  In each one, you left me wanting more.

In unforgettable, I wanted more about the triangle and the depth of each of their relationships.  I felt unfulfilled b/c of that.

In Fade to White, I liked that, but, wanted so much more about Satan and what each of them really gets, and sacrifices.  I would have loved to see some pain on their faces when they killed their first victim.  And are there bonuses for killing more people?  Is there a min number of kills?

In the Key to my heart, I liked that, but, again, you spend all this time on Tyler, and I wanted to see Maia really go to town.  Make it last long.  Show her in her godly powers.  Really dive into it.  And didn't I also say that I had a similar story?

In the fairy one, that's the one that I liked the least, which is why I can't recall the name.  I still liked it, and would give it a 4/6 but, once again, where it fails for me is I don't get enough of the story.  What happened to him.  Why is he screwed up?  Why did the fairies save her?  Why did one fairy attack kill him?  So many why's and no answers.

You certainly have a right to focus on the screenplay and give us what you want, it is your work, but, IMO, the great movies and scrips give us EVERYTHING.  They don't hold anything back.  

But, that doesn't mean I didn't like them

There have been very few scripts that I have read on here that would be lower then a 3.  There have been a few, but, none by you.  I won't say what scripts I've disliked or hated, but, you can easily spot them in the comments section.

If you felt that way, I wonder if others have too.  Perhaps I should rate them at the end to show them that I can list 40 things I don't like, and still love the flick.  Because the impression you got from me was NOT what I was feeling towards your story.  You have given me something to ponder.

Dan

That's cool, Dan.  We all have our own way of communicating.

But now, I'm even more confused, as you say of all the scripts you've read and commented on SS, ony a very few would be below a 3 out of 6 score or grade.

That is downright shocking, as the reality, to me at least, is that very, very few are a 3 or higher.  Not to be mean, but most scripts here are downright terrible, because they're written by peeps who don't know how to write screenplays, let alone write at all.

But hey, we're all different and every opinion counts for something.

Keep it rocking, bro.

Quoted from Dreamscale That's cool, Dan.  We all have our own way of communicating. But now, I'm even more confused, as you say of all the scripts you've read and commented on SS, ony a very few would be below a 3 out of 6 score or grade. That is downright shocking, as the reality, to me at least, is that very, very few are a 3 or higher.  Not to be mean, but most scripts here are downright terrible, because they're written by peeps who don't know how to write screenplays, let alone write at all. But hey, we're all different and every opinion counts for something. Keep it rocking, bro.

I overlook some issues.  I'm not perfect at english and some formats, so, I forgive those when I read them.  I look more for the story then for mistakes.  I figure people like you can comment on the screenwriting errors they do, I read for the story and how I break it down.

I think most of the stories on here are okay, a 3, not much to them, but, they are okay.  A few get above a 3.  

I mean a story can be done perfect as far as the rules go and still suck.  

So, I apologize that you felt that I didn't like them.  I did.  I just point out stuff to bring your attention to them.  

Talk to u soon
Dan

Noticed a small inconsistency on Page 1, Jeff...

Quoted Text EXT. STEAMBOAT SPRINGS, CO. - EVENING A single snowflake falls through the darkening sky. Below, miles and miles of runs crisscross the mountain in ribbons of white. Huge, beautiful mountain homes line the lower trails. EXT. MOUNTAIN HOME - REAR DECK - CONTINUOUS LLOYD PATTERSON, late 50's, distinguished, tends a grill on the deck of a beautiful mountain mansion. The snow flake floats lazily down, landing on his balding head. Steaks and burgers sizzle on the grill.

I have this script saved to a folder, and believe it or not I do read it from time to time.

Are you pushing for this to get produced?  What sort of offers have you had for this?  This screenplay is probably the first point of call for bigwigs browsing the site, because of the high post count.

I also noticed this, just another little thing...

Quoted Text Marshall leaps out of the water, a few feet away. A thunderous BANG. The shot goes high, missing her completely. Cyndi gets to her feet, makes a break for the door leading outside, only several feet in front of her. Tobias quickly rights himself, aims down at Marshall in the water. Another cavernous BLAST. Pellets riddle the water as well as the top of his head.  The pool water turns deep red as Marshall sinks out of sight

You say Marshall leaps out of the water, but then Tobias aims down at Marshall in the water? Did Marshall leap back into the water?  Or is it supposed to be Cyndi leaping out of the water?  Somebody might've already picked up on that, so forgive me.

Quoted Text BLACKBOURN (O.S.) This is Captain Blackbourn from the Flightdeck. We've hit a little turbulence as we're making our final descent into the Durango area. Please take your seats and buckle up. We'll be on the ground in about fifteen minutes. Thanks again for choosing our airline. It's been a pleasure serving you this evening.

Shouldn't that be V.O, and not O.S?  BLACKBOURN is in the cockpit with his co-pilot.  We're in the passenger cabin when the intercom chimes in, judging by the preceding action lines, so he's not actually in the scene.

I think maybe you should've used separate scene headers for the cockpit and the passenger cabin, because they are two different parts of the plane.

Quoted Text INT. THE HORNY TOAD - CONTINUOUS

I think THE HORNY TOAD should have quotation marks around it, because it's the name of a particular location.

Very nice opening, a lot of bloodshed straight from the off.

Those are just a few little things I picked up on.  I'll chime back in on the weekend brother, and I hope I've been helpful with my observations.

Hey Max, thanks for reading.  Always appreciated.

Quoted from Max Noticed a small inconsistency on Page 1, Jeff...

What inconsistency is that, bro?

Quoted from Max I have this script saved to a folder, and believe it or not I do read it from time to time. Are you pushing for this to get produced?  What sort of offers have you had for this?  This screenplay is probably the first point of call for bigwigs browsing the site, because of the high post count.

I've discussed this numerous times on various threads and don't want to go into it anymore, but if you're not in the know, I'll discuss it with you in PM or E-Mail.

Quoted from Max I also noticed this, just another little thing... You say Marshall leaps out of the water, but then Tobias aims down at Marshall in the water? Did Marshall leap back into the water?  Or is it supposed to be Cyndi leaping out of the water?  Somebody might've already picked up on that, so forgive me.

Not sure exaclty what you're saying or what version you're quoting from.

Marshall leaps out of the water and "surprises" Tobias, because Toby thought he was already dead from the electrical shock, thus "missing" on his shot at Cyndi.  Then, Toby takes Marshall out, while Cyndi makes a break for outside.

Quoted from Max Shouldn't that be V.O, and not O.S?  BLACKBOURN is in the cockpit with his co-pilot.  We're in the passenger cabin when the intercom chimes in, judging by the preceding action lines, so he's not actually in the scene.

It is (V.O.) - You must be reading an age old draft.

Quoted from Max I think maybe you should've used separate scene headers for the cockpit and the passenger cabin, because they are two different parts of the plane.

Yeah, there are separate headers/Slugs.  Again, you must be reading a draft from WAY WAY back...I've said on numerous threadshere that if ahyone wants to read this, I have a new draft.

Quoted from Max I think THE HORNY TOAD should have quotation marks around it, because it's the name of a particular location.

Well, that would be an issue, as it would have quotes around it again and again, and again.  Actually, not true.  You don't need to quote particular locales.  They are what they are.

Quoted from Max Very nice opening, a lot of bloodshed straight from the off.

Thanks, bro.  Yeah, I wanted to get thsi going with a fucking BANG. I actuakly changed up the style of writing to show an expidited, fast, action filled intro, that'smeant to be show before the title.

Quoted from Max Those are just a few little things I picked up on.  I'll chime back in on the weekend brother, and I hope I've been helpful with my observations.

Thanks, man. All feedback is helfpul..but, you should probably read a semi new draft - E-Mail me for a new one.

Thanks, MAX!!!!!!!!