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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Midnight Lake Moderators: bert
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  Author    Midnight Lake  (currently 7126 views)
abelorfao
Posted: March 12th, 2009, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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My latest draft of Midnight Lake is now online. For those interested, I am willing to exchange scripts (preferably, but not necessarily, a script in the action or horror genres). The script exchange link is:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/m-1226083290/

I've added some scenes featuring Nolan, Kingsley, and the county patrol in general for a few reasons. First, I aimed to give a greater sense of community and normalcy. Second, I hoped to break up the monotony of seeing the same characters in the same setting over and over again. Third, I tried to steadily increase the tension and drama. In the most notable change, the county patrol learns of the killing spree before Williamson attacks Shauna and Adam.

Other changes I made include giving Williamson a unique instrument of death (taken from an idea rejected from another project I'm working on) and making the murder sequences more explicit. In this draft, Gordon and Nelson both die on screen and Kim's murder is more graphic.

The biggest change I made, however, was in my action prose. Following Dreamscale's advice, I've tried to write the action sequences in a more direct and straightforward manner. The action is prose is now much shorter and hopefully easier to read. While I was at it, I also trimmed the dialogue in some of the more talkative scenes. In fact, despite adding over a dozen new scenes, this new draft is slightly shorter than the previous version.
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 21st, 2009, 1:04am Report to Moderator
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Hey Abel, I see you have a new draft up. I read the first 10 pages or so and see MAJOR IMPROVEMENTS!  Seriously, so much better.  Way to go.  I will try and get back to this in its entirety, but can't promise it anytime soon.

You really did correct some early problems for sure, as in terms of naming your characters, and making things flow much better.

Nice work!  Best to you.
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abelorfao
Posted: March 21st, 2009, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hello again, Dreamscale, and thanks for looking at my new draft. I was hoping to hear from you as the advice you gave me was very valuable. I'm glad you're pleased with the screenplay so far, and I hope the rest of the script holds up as well.
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Scoob
Posted: March 23rd, 2009, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Abel,

Sorry for the delay , I hope this helps you in some way. ( Apologies in advance for the awful spelling below! )

Im a fan of slashers so this should be up my street. I enjoyed the first 6 pages, nicely written and I like the style you use. Very easy to read, everything pushes forward and it comes off very smoothly. I'm reminded of Halloween straight from the dialouge and the set up of the prisoners escape - even if you didnt use the exact same method. Again since Im a big fan of that series this is all positives for me. So I enjoyed the opening segment.

Slightly baffled to the description of Gordon - it sounds like you have described a female but with the name and making it 2 girls and 2 boys, it must be a guy, right?
This is resolved in the following pages but perhaps you might want to have a look at his description. Perhaps I have read this wrongly, if so, I apologize for being slower than even my usual self.

43 pages in - there's a lot of characters introduced but so far all dialouge is fun and written well. Nicely paced so far. Very much Friday The 13th territory?
50 : It's a nice touch that you have Deena see a couple of things and at least the group have called the cops. Usually everyone just dismisses it and by then it is too late.
56: Begining to wonder how much time you are leaving for any murder spree to take place! A couple of pages on and after asking for one murder, I get four in a matter of moments!
67: Glad Xerina put up a fight against Williamson, albeit in vain.
77: I liked the scenes of Shauna finding out about Williamson and how she dealt with it and finding Adam - who I did momentarily think was dead.
79: Is this a Friday The 13th Part 4 homage with the hobbling Williamson chasing Shauna?
Good ending.

The murders themselves and the set ups were decent. I dont think you wanted to go over the top with them and I dont think you needed to.
The cops acted realistic and not as other slashers often depict them.
I liked the role-reversal ending. Nicely done. Not very often do you see the victim chasing after the killer.

This was a decent slasher that was remarkably well written. It was to the point and your descriptions and actions were spot on. Your style was a major factor in how quickly I was able to read through this script. I also have to say the dialouge you wrote was very good. There isnt a line in here that I thought was out of place and although a lot of it was humourus you did a good job in when it needed to be serious too.
The only thing slight nag I have is that I see you tried to make suspense build up until the killing began but it never quite reached fever pitch for me.  Once the first victim gets it, it comes as no surprise for the others because you have such a long list of characters to kill with such little time left. The suspense is here but I think you could extend the script by perhaps spacing out the murders a little more or adding more moments that you have here : Williamson is seen once as a blur, there's a sound heard by Deena prior to this and Nelson's trick on Xerina. That and the Jenkins broken in shed are all decent scenes but I would have liked to seen maybe just a couple more that built the tension up.
The murders themselves and the set ups were decent. I dont think you wanted to go over the top with them and were more into capturing some thrill rather than concentrate on gore or brutality...Interesting that the most violent death should be to the killer.
The characters were typical Friday 13th characters for me. There wasnt anyone in here to dislike - perhaps some might say Nelson but I thought he was quite funny - and the survivors were pretty obvious. Having said that, I have to admit Thomas' death came as a bit of a surprise considering we don't see it and is only mentioned at the end. I was half expecting him to return and save the day.  
The story is about as thin as you can get but I dont think you will mind me saying that as it was probably your intention to put together a simple slasher. In that respect you succeeded. My only negative comment would have to be the lack of suspence before the killing begins. Although you did put some moments in, and I fully appreciate how little time you have to cram all this in, I think you left yourself trying to beat the clock aswell as the 7 victims you needed to dispatch are in the last 20 pages or so.

All in all, and with my slasher fan head on,  I have to say this was a very good read. If this was a movie I would not have been let down.

Good job!




Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Scoob  -  March 23rd, 2009, 8:55pm
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abelorfao
Posted: March 24th, 2009, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hello again, Scoob, and thanks for taking the time to read my screenplay.

I'm glad you noticed the allusions to both Friday the 13th and Halloween. Midnight Lake was the very first script I wrote, and my goal was to do a Friday the 13th film with a Halloween style. That is, rely more on characters and suspense than flat-out gore. I also included some allusions to both films. Three hundred milligrams of Thorazine, a group of friends by an isolated lake, and the killer with a featureless mask are just a few.

I also tried to subvert some of the more typical clichés. The police are fully present and competent. Paige and Bryan don't have sex and die. Shauna and Adam do have sex and live. Thomas and his disappearance set up the idea of him saving the day, only to have him turn out to be the first one killed. Deena is set up as the Final Girl, but doesn't take part in the final confrontation.

I thought Gordon's description was straightforward but, on second look, I could understand why you would be confused. I'll have to go back and change that. I also agree there should be more spacing between the murder set pieces, especially between Paige and Bryan's deaths and Gordon and Kim's demises. Now that I think about it, I could probably add more spacing simply by reshuffling some of the scenes. I could probably place a county patrol scene, for example, between the aforementioned sequences.

Once again, thank you for reading my script and I appreciate your thoughts.
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Baltis.
Posted: April 19th, 2009, 2:45am Report to Moderator
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I read this script and hate to say it's pretty run of the mill.  Not saying it wouldn't sell or doesn't compete with other movies I've seen in the genre, but it just doesn't do anything new.  I know it's hard to find a new idea, take on something or even a kill... but in the end your script ends up looking like "just another" and while that might be what you were happy with, and going for all along; a lot of people out there right now are writing scripts just like this...

What I'm trying to say is this; the script is written pretty well. You have formatting down, if not a bit long in your descriptions and a tad too on the nose with your dialogue sometimes, but at the end of the day if you were trying to market this script for anything other than personal fullfilment or for educational reasons for yourself and others to learn from here on the site... You'd have a really hard time getting noticed.

Again, I'm not saying your script is bad at all. It's written very well. I'm saying the concept needs some tweaks and maybe the title needs a little more juice to it.

Great attempt at tackling a tough genre though, man. Really.  
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abelorfao
Posted: April 19th, 2009, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, Baltis. Thank you for reading my script and I'm sorry to learn it disappointed you.

Midnight Lake was the very first script I ever wrote, mainly written out of a fit of pique after watching Friday the 13th Part V. Honestly, I think anyone could have written a better screenplay than the one they used. I wasn't trying to reinvent the wheel so much as write a competent story with interesting characters and suspenseful situations.

Once again, Baltis, thank you for reading my screenplay and I hope my future scripts are more to your liking.
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Baltis.
Posted: April 19th, 2009, 11:40pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't dislike your script in the least. I enjoyed it, and read it all in one sitting. I very much liked the script for what it was, and even said it was just as good as anything you'd see in the genre it represents in todays day and age.

I'm not all together sure it could hang with "Twitch of the Deat nerve" or "House by the Cemetery" but as far as Friday the 13th movies go... you're doing pretty good. Maybe your killer isn't as iconic or as acclaimed as Jason, or might ever be... But you could, with some tweaks, substitute a Friday the 13th script for yours and call it a day.  Again, if that's what you are going for. Easily.

Is that good or bad...? Well, depends on who you ask. Me, myself, not a fan of the series or a good half of the genre.

As for your take on Friday the 13th part 5... I hafta say I disagree. While it wasn't Jason it was different and the writer took enough risk to make a cleverly disguised "who don't it?" inside a tired and true Friday the 13th installment... You might not of liked it because it strayed from the formula, but look at it in the creative light and then compare what "IT" did that all the others didn't do. You might be surprised at how much you missed.  

Same with Halloween 3... It's probably my favorite one, tied with part 2 in all honesty. Why? Cos' it was vastly different. It tried something new.  Take a look at the otherside of the coin sometimes, man... Seriously. Some of my best work could've been absolutley predictable and run of the mill had I not looked at some of the more risky routes.

I will absolutley be checking out your work in the future. First attempts are like trying to walk a greased up tight rope with muddy shoes. You might slip and fall on your face, or you might make it to the end safe.
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abelorfao
Posted: April 20th, 2009, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hello again, Baltis, and thanks for your quick response. Let me first apologize for misinterpreting your thoughts about my script. On first glance, your comments on how Midnight Lake seemed run of the mill and looked just like any other script indicated a thumbs-firmly-down review. I'd also like to clarify my comments concerning Friday the 13th Part V and explain how my negative response to the film led me to write this screenplay.

Although I'm not a fan of the film, I'd never argue it is among the worst films of its genre. The basic premise behind the film -- Tommy being so traumatized by his encounter with Jason he may have become a murderer himself -- is quite sound. Furthermore, the film contains what, in my humble opinion, are amongst the two best sequences in the entire series -- Tommy's nightmare at the beginning of the film and Joey's sudden and brutal death at the hands of Vic. What really bothered me, and what led me to write Midnight Lake, is how the film seems to revel in the very tropes I find most annoying and displeasing about the genre.

First, every victim is either unlikable or one-dimensional. Ethel and Junior are two of the most repellent characters I've ever seen, a fact made worse by the vast amount of screen time they have. The characters at the institute, meanwhile, are barely characters at all. In all the time we spend with her, for example, we learn Vi loves to do the robot... and not much else. By making the victims as uninteresting as possible, the filmmakers invite the audience to revel and enjoy their deaths as opposed to actually being horrified when a character they like and sympathize with is murdered.

Second, there are a slew of one-and-done characters throughout the story. People we've never met before suddenly show up partway through the film and are promptly killed in a transparent attempt to up the body count. The two men whose car breaks down, the waitress at the diner, Reggie's older brother and his girlfriend, and so on. The worst of these characters is the drifter who shows up at Ethel and Junior's place and has twenty seconds or so of screen time before he is killed.

Third, the authority figures are presented as both incompetent and disinterested. The worst example is when the sheriff matter-of-factly declares the killer has to be Jason Voorhees. Let's set aside both the mayor's firm declaration Jason was cremated and the fact the film does not take place near Crystal Lake and ask ourselves these questions: If the sheriff really thinks Jason has come back from the dead to kill again, why does he spend all day just sitting around in his office? Shouldn't he be calling the neighboring counties and the National Guard in search of reinforcements? Shouldn't he be constantly patrolling the area around the institute where the murders are taking place?

Fourth, the film ends with not one but two inane twist endings. First, after saving her life and nearly dying in the process, Tommy suddenly and inexplicably stabs Pam in the stomach with a knife... only for the sequence to be revealed as a dream Tommy has in the hospital. Then, when Pam really does enter Tommy's room, she finds he has disappeared and fails to notice as a hockey-masked figure with a knife appears behind her. I know the idea is to send the audience home with a shock but, when the ending (endings?) is as illogical and inane as this, the end result is sending the audience out the door while rolling their eyes derisively. Unsurprisingly, both twist endings were ignored when it came time to film the next installment.

These are the annoying tropes which caused me to write Midnight Lake. I tried to make all the characters likable and sympathetic in some way, I excluded any one-and-done victims from the main story, I tried to present the police as competent and engaged, and I had the film conclude with a definite and unambiguous ending. Whether I succeeded in my goals, of course, are entirely up to the reader.

Once again, Baltis, thanks for your response and sorry about the length of my reply.
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 20th, 2009, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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I still haven't read this new draft, but will try to later today.

A couple things about Baltis' comments...

First of all, IMO, anytime you get more than a single sequel on a simple little story like Friday the 13th or Halloween, you've got too many. There's literally no where to go when you're dealing with a slow, 1 trick pony antag like Jason or Michael Myers.  They really can't go anywhere, and can't do anything other than sneak up behind stupid kids doing crap they shouldn't be doing.  So we know exactly what we're going to get long before the movie plays.

Now, Halloween III: Season of the Witch isn't at all attached to the other Halloween films.  It is a clear departure, and makes no bones about it.  I also thought it was actually pretty good, and I saw it at the theater, when it was originally released.  It doesn't hold up very well now, but it does have a wonderful, catchy little tune running through it, that stays with you forever (much like the original Friday and Halloween, and people don't seem to realize that much of their success was based on the "music"...the little jingle tune from Halloween, and the chanting noises from Friday).

Everything after Friday the 13th Part 2, has been a complete waste...OK, 3D wasn't horrible, and Part VII with that babe Lar Park Lincoln was at least a bit different, and I guess some would say that X and Freddy VS. Jason were OK, but just based on what Jason is, there's no reason for all these other sequels which are for the most part carbon copies of each other, only worse and worse each year.

So, what am I saying here, and why is it on Abel's post?  As Baltis said, and I said originally, why strive to write something that doesn't offer anything new? The latest Friday made a shitload of cash on it's opening weekend and then disappeared quickly (but still turned a massive profit).  But that's because it was a new Jason movie, and fans of the movies were obviously dying to see him again in a new light, so to speak.

So, Baltis' point is well taken with me.  And, Abel, I'm not putting you or your script down at all, and I will read it and post feedback ASAP.  As I said earlier, the first 10 pages are light years better than your original draft.  I just have this sneaky suspicion that I know what I'm going to be posting when I'm done, and that's a been there, done seen that feeling.

We'll see.  I'll be back...
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 20th, 2009, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
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OK, Abel, finished.  I took pretty detailed notes as I went along and that’s going to be my main feedback here, but I do want to say a number of things first.

What a difference between this and your first draft!  Wow, simply amazing how you cleaned up so many problems.  It appears that you completely overhauled this and the result is a night and day difference.  I’m very impressed how much better this is, and I totally mean that.  Nice work!

Your additional scenes are all great and they really help the script overall.  The addition of all the cops is much needed.  As you said, it really did help to break things up.  Also, I liked the scenes about the broken into sheds.  They gave some foundation that Williamson was nearby and going to be showing up.  Again, great work with these additions.

Also, your action prose was so much better.  I see you took out all those odd, compound sentences, and got rid of the passive verbiage very nicely.  The talky scenes come off better as well, and I can tell that you cut a lot of fat out, without really losing anything important or memorable.

Also loved the addition of the actual onscreen kills and gore.  It works so much better now.  The kills were much better, and you did manage to infuse some much needed tension throughout.  The ice axe was also a welcome addition.  I think I would have liked to see something else as well, but any way you look at it, it works so much better.

OK, now for the downside.  I think this still needs quite a bit of work, and most of my issues can be taken care of rather painlessly, but it will require quite a bit of effort on your part.

Although your prose is much, much better, it really needs some work, still.  You’ll see exact examples in my page by page notes, but let’s go over it here in more detail. You used characters names over and over, and over again…many times in back to back lines and sentences.  It doesn’t read well at all, and actually gets very annoying.  It’s actually shocking how often you do this.  I referenced page 66 and 67, but this runs rampant throughout the script, pretty much every page.  I made a wild guess (thinking I was way overestimating just to get the idea across) how many times you used Xerina and Williamson on page 66 at 50 times.  I actually went back and counted, and it was actually 55, I think.  55times!  WOW!  When you reread this, I think (actually, I know) you’re going to be shocked.

Here’s the deal.  When you properly intro a scene, we as readers will know what’s going on and who’s in it…what’s in it, etc.  Whenever you can, don’t restate someone’s name. Don’t restate an object that we know is in play.  Use something else, or write a compound sentence (just don’t do it like you did before!).  Any and all writing needs to be clear, so that we understand who’s doing what, etc., but you don’t need or want to continually use the same name or word over and over again.  When you have a scene with 1 or 2 people, this should be very simple to fix up. Other scenes with multiple characters, you’ll need to write it so we know what’s going on, but I think you can tone those down as well, with some stronger prose.  If you have questions on this, PM me, and I’ll give you more detail.

Taking this a step further, most of your action prose comes across as too basic and lacking in “action”…or feeling.  Xerina does this.  Xerina does that.   Then Xerina does this.  It just doesn’t have the feeling you want, and comes off as rather stale and bland.  Give it a look and see if you don’t see what I’m talking about.

Finally, as I said originally and Baltis also seemed to agree with, the story itself isn’t anything new or fresh.  I know you wrote this in response to Friday and Halloween, and even more exactly, to a certain Friday sequel.  If that’s what you want to write, that’s fine and cool.  But understand that even when it’s written as powerfully or perfectly as it can, it’s not going to garner much interest, other than as a rehash of countless other generic slashers.  Hope that makes sense, cause I don’t mean this as an insult or anything like that.

OK, check out my notes and see if you follow what I’m saying.  I hope this helps, Abel, and as I said numerous times up front, I am so impressed with the improvements here.  I know it’s not an easy thing to overhaul a script like this.  I still think it’s rather short in terms of how long it would play out onscreen, and feel that you could easily add another 10-20 pages of action/story/whatever.  There’s a lot of short back and forth dialogue that will play much faster than 1 page equaling 1 minute, so I’d say you’re running time here is well under 75 minutes, and I don’t think that’s going to cut it in terms of a full length feature.

Overall, great improvements, Abel!  Keep at it, my friend.  Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 20th, 2009, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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Continued – page by page notes

Page1
No need to include “from the night sky”, as you indicated it’s night in your slug.

“prison guard” should be all capped, since it’s his first intro.

Page 2
“nurses” should also be all capped, since again, it’s their first intro.  Same with the next 4 nurses, 6 prison guards, and male prisoner.

Page 4
“Deer” should also be all capped…first intro, again.

You stated that both of the rear doors had popped open, but then you say, Roland prepares to open one of them.

Page 5
Now Inverness is also opening those rear doors, that were already opened…twice now!

There isn’t any “ground” inside the van.

Page 6
“sedan” should be capped again.  Every time you intro something or someone new, use all caps, so everyone is aware it is now in play.

As apposed to saying that Adam listens to classical music, just say, “Classical music plays…”, because everyone in the sedan is listening to it, right?

Page 7
I’d cut down the speech on the radio a tad.  It runs too long and we all already know this.  Once we hear something about it, we’ll understand that everyone in the car will know the details as well.

OK, question…you’re saying that Adam and Shauna drove past the accident site last night, or just earlier? Since it’s now noon the next day, I’m pretty sure the site would be completely cleaned up by now.  Nit picky?  Yes, just wondering, though.

Abel, your first 10 pages are so much better now!  Seriously, worlds away.  Nicely done.  I’d recommend that you watch using the same words over and over, though.  I’ve read “sedan” and Adam’s sedan” many times already.  We know they’re in a sedan, so no need to keep saying it.

Page 10
“…a slender brunet with an appealing exotic look…” – sounds like you’re describing a chick! (but I see that “brunet” actually refers to a male)  I just don’t like this description.  I think you’re going a bit overboard with every character’s hair color.  If you want to point a few out, fine, but no need for us to know exactly what color hair everyone has.

Page 18
You continually use each character’s name over and over.  Here’s a perfect example of when you don’t need to.  Check this out, and think about it in the many other instances as well.

“A set of US Army dog tags dangle from Xerina’s neck.”  Just use “her”.  You can do this in multiple places and it will make the read better, because the sentence right before it let us know you are talking about Xerina.

Page 19
I think that Nelson arrives way too closely to Xerina.  Based on this, they’d be right next to each other on the drive in, and I don’t think that was the case.  I’d try and space them out just a bit.  It will be easier on all the intro’s also.  JMO.

Page 29
Another great example of you using Deena’s name over and over, in every sentence. We know this is about Deena…use “she” or “her”.

Page 37
There’s another “…sound of a breaking branch suddenly emanates from the nearby woods.”  I think I commented on this stuff before.  Change it up a bit…don’t use identical phrases.  You probably don’t need the “suddenly” part at all.

Page 38
I don’t like all the “mystery man”, “mystery person” stuff here.

Page 41
“bear” should be singular here, but the entire dialogue doesn’t sound right as it is.

Page 48
Again!  The same exact line about the “…sound of a breaking branch suddenly emanates from the nearby woods.”  C’mon Abel...no more!   Word it differently, damnit!!!!

Page 52
Should be “too” chicken to…

Page 59
I don’t think you should refer to Williamson simply as “man”.  You intro him a few line later, but in reality, he’s already been intro’d in the beginning.  It’s completely obvious this is him, so I’d recommend coming right out and saying it’s Williamson.  Now, back to the orange jumpsuit…I thought some work clothes were stolen from 1 of the sheds.  As I said before, there just isn’t reason at all that he would keep that orange prison suit on, as it’s a dead give away, and most importantly, being orange, it’s so easy to see him, and that’s the last thing he would want.

Page 61
I personally don’t like Gordon’s little asides he does.  It’s as if he’s talking to the camera and it doesn’t work here, IMO.

Note how many times you use “Gordon” and “Kim” on this 1 page.  It’s been going on nonstop, but this page should be a dead give away on how you need to change this trend, and use “he”, “she”, “his”, or “her”. Know what I’m saying?

Page 66
I don’t like what Xerina says here at all.  Doesn’t sound good.

OK, Abel…here we go again.  Count the number of times on this page that you use “Williamson” and “Xerina”.   I didn’t do it, but I bet ya, it’s somewhere like 50 times.  Same thing on page 67.   Crazy!  Way, WAY too much!

Page 68
Hmmm, how long ago was there a death in here (assuming that’s why it smells so bad)?  Seems like Shauna and Adam have been hanging in the kitchen for awhile.  I’m confused.

Way too much detail about the pie and exactly what Shauna is doing ion the kitchen.

Page 73
“…frozen (in) fear”.

Revision History (1 edits)
Scoob  -  May 26th, 2009, 3:45pm
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abelorfao
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Hello again, Dreamscale. Thank you for taking a look at my new draft and for your very detailed response. I'll go through the points in your posts and relay my comments.

Pages 1 to 4: I've read many sources which say only to use uppercase lettering when introducing speaking characters in the story. Those sources went on to say minor characters with no lines like the nurses and security guards seen in the prologue are essentially scenery. I'd like to get a definitive ruling on this. Then again, it seems as though there's never a definitive rule about anything other than what margins to use.

Page 5: I meant to imply the van's rear doors had only slightly opened during the crash. Roland then fully opened one door while Inverness fully opened the other door. I'll have to rewrite the scene to make this clearer. I can also tweak the scene to say the guards inside the rear of the van lay sprawled inside the vehicle.

Page 6: Again, the sources I've read never mentioned anything about capitalizing props such as vehicles. The music line was meant to indicate Adam was engaged and listening while Shauna was absorbed in her magazine. If it's a problem, I'll go back and fix it.

Page 7: I'll have to agree the speech is too long. I'll go back and lop most of it off. I also meant to indicate Adam and Shauna drove past the scene of the crash a short while ago. I can clarify this by tweaking the dialogue.

Page 10: That's it! I'm definitely rewriting Gordon's description! I also mentioned the hair color to try to differentiate the characters and make it easier to picture them in the mind. If the references are too much, I'll go back and change them.

Page 18: I've read some scripts where the character names are mentioned in the action prose constantly and others where they're almost never mentioned at all. I guess I went overboard in trying to make my action prose clear. I'll have to change that in my next draft.

Page 19: I'll have to agree there should be something between Deena and Xerina's arrival and Nelson and Thomas's appearance. I need to think about what to do there.

Page 29: I know.

Page 37: I'll admit I have a habit of leaning on the same phrases from time to time. I'll have to watch myself more closely in the future.

Page 38: By referring to a "mystery man," I was trying to indicate the person entering the house was obscured from view and not identifiable. If I said it was Nelson, I thought it would ruin the impact of the sequence. How would you suggest I handle this?

Page 41: Adam's dialogue was meant to show his frustration with Deena, Thomas, and Shauna constantly asking him about bears during the time they waited for Nolan. If the line is really that awkward, I'll go back and change it.

Page 48: I know, I know.

Page 52: Oops!

Page 59: Again, I initially referred to Williamson as "a man" because I didn't want his face to be seen until Bryan saw it. You may have missed this, but Williamson was initially clad in prison denims. (These are the denims Kingsley finds at the bottom of the ravine.) The orange jumpsuit is the work clothes stolen from Jenkins's shed. As for the color, I chose orange specifically because it's the color hunters often wear in the wild. I was trying to make Williamson seem like the hunter in the woods stalking his prey.

Page 61: If Gordon's asides are really that bothersome, I'll remove them.

Page 66: It was my hope Xerina's desperate pleas would aggravate the audience. Why is this tough character suddenly whimpering like a child? Xerina striking Williamson with the skillet was meant to signal she was merely playing possum all along.

Page 68: Adam and Shauna have spent the whole evening swimming in the lake. When they returned to the house, they lounged in the living room. Shauna entering the kitchen is the first time anyone has set foot in the room since Paige and Bryan were killed early in the evening. Shauna recoiling in shock upon opening the fridge was meant to tease an "Ew!" moment, relieved when Shauna grabs the pie instead of a severed head or something. If the sequence after that is too long, I'll go back and rewrite it.

Page 73: Oops!

Once again, Dreamscale, thank you so much for your valuable feedback. I'll try to take your advice to heart when I work on my future projects.
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 21st, 2009, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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I think you should start a new post and ask a few questions.  I read through a bunch of back posts under Screenwriting Class.  One had to do with introing animals. The consensus, and Shelton said to use all caps when introing an animal.  Animlas don't speak (usually), so I'm of the mindset that when introing people, whether or not they speak, they should be capped.  It would be interesting to hear what others have to say.

You mentioned that these "extras" are like scenery, but I'd disagree, as someone in the production would be reponsible for making sure that all these extras were there and ready for the scene.  By capping them, it is making them stand out, and making it easier to know exactly what will be needed and when and where.

I think it's a matter of choice when it comes to a prop or whatever.  Sometimes, an important item can be missed, so capping it makes it stand out.  It also draws attention to it.  I guess you're probably right about the car thing, but George Wilson and I had a conversation the other day about this kind of thing.  He had a script in which he intro'd a "deuce and a half", and he didn't even cap the D or H.  Based on this, I didn't realize it was actually a vehicle, so I had no clue what was going on.  I told him this and he said that he probably should have used all caps to make it stand out.  I was mearly saying he should have capped the D and H.  So, I guess it's up to you.  When you use an actual car make or model, it gets capped, and everyone knows what it is.  When you simply use "sedan", it could get overlooked.  No biggie, but I would like to hear more on this, if you feel like delving deeper.

So, what do you think about the 55 uses of the 2 names on that 1 page?  Were you amazed? Do you see how it doesn't read well because of that?  Just curious.

Best to you Abel!
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abelorfao
Posted: April 21st, 2009, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
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Dreamscale, I've opened a thread about the all caps issue here:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1240371592/

Hopefully, I can get some definitive answers. Also, could you give your take on the "mystery man" argument I discussed in my last post? Thanks for your time.
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