My comments on the "mystery man" thing were based on how many times you used that phrase...all very near to each other.  It just doesn't sound good when you read the exact same phrase over and over.

I completely understand what you were going for, but on the other hand, you have to realize that when all of a sudden, the author starts using a term like this, as apposed to a character's name (like you were doing over and over), it's pretty clear what's about to come.  Know what I mean?

My latest draft of Midnight Lake is now online. This new draft features subtle but important changes which hopefully improve both the story aspect and the nuts and bolts of the script while only adding one-and-a-half pages to the screenplay.

In terms of the story, there are three main changes to go along with some minor tweaks of the dialogue. First, I've cut down the news anchor's report and moved the key lines of exposition to a new scene with Nolan and Kingsley. This new scene also serves as a break between Xerina and Deena's arrival at the lake and Nelson and Thomas's first appearance. Second, I've also added a brief scene with Nolan and Sutton which serves as a divide between Paige and Bryan's deaths and Gordon and Kim's demises. Third, the scene where Kingsley finds the abandoned car has been split in two. The first half replaces two minor scenes where Shauna moves from the guesthouse to the lakeside house while the second half remains in place.

In terms of the screenplay's structure, I've made two major changes. First, I went through and capitalized the first appearance of every person in the story. I was going to use all caps to emphasize certain objects and sounds but ultimately decided against it once I found myself capitalizing something every sentence or two. Second, I went though the action prose and did my best to remove as many redundant character references as possible. Hopefully, this change will make the screenplay as a whole easier to read.

Hey Abel,

I must say I did enjoy this quite a bit. It does have its problems but that's only my opinion. I've read it all a day earlier than planned so it is a quick read. Your action descriptions helped this a lot, I love reading scripts with action descriptions that get straight to the point.

You set up a load of characters, and it worked for the most part. A couple of points I had to stop and think "How's that again?" but they each had their own personality. Stereotypes? Maybe, but for me it worked for this kind of movie. On page 30, I was struggling big time them all, but in the end, I was okay with it. You really are taking a 50/50 chance on what people think with this many characters. Sure, a slasher needs a high body count, but the killing doesn't start until page 60 of an 88 page screenplay. I'll say again, it worked for me but I think you risk losing some readers early on with the constant character introductions nearly every page.

The main reason I could keep up with the overflow of characters was the dialogue. I thought you did an excellent job on that front. There were some brilliant exchanges between them and some real funny one liners ("The only special needs I'm looking out for are yours"). At first I thought Thomas sounded like a robot but then realized it actually suited his character very well. You really did do a fantastic job on the dialogue. Well done!

I know some people are all for movies with slow starts but I think this one starts way too slow. You could imagine a trailer for this, filled with the guy in the ski mask swinging the ice pick everywhere, looks like a great slasher flick. Imagine going to the cinema, then waiting an hour between the first scene kills and the ones at the house. I touched on character introductions slowing the start down, part of me thinks it would be much better if you treated the audience to one kill, just one kill, inbetween the several character introductions. It would break them up a bit and remind everyone that it's a slasher, not a teen comedy, which it feels like for the first 50 odd pages. Create suspense by showing the killer watching them in the woods, not just showing an orange glow flying past. That could have been a tiger for all we know. Show us the killer, make us know he's there, put us on edge. Also, I found it unrealistic the police would come out TWICE after being called because one of the girls saw something in the woods.

So, the killing starts and it is very Friday the 13th. No real stand out kills (except maybe the killers at the end). Parts got quite repetitive when they would fight on the floor for the ice pick, one would pick it up, it would drop to the floor again, they would fight over it again until the next person picked it up. I was wishing someone would just grab something nearby in the house and use that as a weapon to mix things up a bit. There must be sharp objects in there somewhere. I also though a chase scene should have took place when the killer never had a limp, maybe with Deena, so he could actually run, make things a bit more exciting. Right now, it is just "ice pick into left shoulder", next victim "ice pick into right shoulder" etc. It would have been nice to have the killer find a new murder weapon, even if just for one kill.

I was expecting more from the ending. Since you kept the killer behind a ski mask the whole script, I was looking out for a twist. About halfway through, I thought Thomas would be connected to the killer, with the phone call about his father making him leave. I was thinking he just told them he was rushed to hospital but really just found out he escaped from jail and went after him. I was half expecting Thomas to show up just as the killer was about to axe Deena but it wasn't to be. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't let down or anything like that, the ending worked as it is.

Deena was my favorite character. I didn't buy her friendship with Thomas, it came across a bit sudden. They had one full conversation and you said in the action line "The friends walk back over to their bikes" or something like that. Thomas came across as annoying when thanking Deena every two minutes for everything she's done. I really wish his death was shown on screen. Nelson was great comic relief for me. The things he says, I laugh at lines like that in work all the time. The randy couple brought a few laughs too. Xerina was also strong. I couldn't get past the fact there was a character called Inverness at the start. That's the name of a town in the Scottish Highlands. I look out for their football result every week. Everytime I read the name, I imagined ther manager Terry Butcher screaming at his players on the touchline when they got relegated last week. It was a small distraction for me but it never lasted long as he was soon killed. I wouldn't change his name or anything like that as I don't think anyone else would find a problem with it.

I think I've covered everything. Overall, it's a damn good effort. I enjoyed reading this a lot, especially the dialogue, some of which is quite memorable. Although I'm not crazy about some of the kills, I do realize you were going the simple Friday the 13th route and pulled it off. I hope you find some of the above helpful. Good job!

Brian

Hello, Brian, and thanks for taking a look at my screenplay. I'll respond to your comments and try to explain what I was attempting to do with this draft.

I'll be the first to admit the script won't be everyone's cup of tea. As I've mentioned in earlier posts, I was intentionally trying to circumvent the tropes which bothered me about slashers -- especially those from the Friday the 13th series. The lack of a throwaway murder earlier in the script and Williamson's death being the most graphic are two of the results from this approach.

Not showing Williamson clearly until he attacks Bryan was a response to the "Killer's P.O.V." shots which plague many slashers. Those shots only serve to reinforce the common trope of having the audience cheer on the killer as he slaughters the one-note ciphers. My goal was to have the audience keep their allegiance with the group at the lake while using the shed break-ins, the noises in the woods, and the orange blur to signal Williamson's presence and build a sense of foreboding.

Considering Williamson catches most of his victims by surprise, I thought I did a realistic job of giving those who do confront him weapons. Xerina uses the skillet, Adam uses Wiliamson's own ice axe, and Shauna uses a baseball bat, a glass bottle, and finally a much larger axe to kill him.

The reason Deena was reaching out to Thomas was, as mentioned at the rest stop, she used to be an outsider to the others. She knows what it's like to be the new person in the group and wants to help him feel at ease with the others. Still, I think I can clarify this with some tweaks to the dialogue. I'll also see if I can make Thomas less annoying.

Once again, Brian, thanks for taking a look at my script and for your useful feedback.

Alright, done.

First off, let me start with the positives.  Your descriptions are excellent, I wouldn't really suggest changing anything.  HOWEVER, I would suggest adding a few description lines in between lines of dialogue for reaction shots, etc.  Sometimes you have these long back-and-forths and I have no idea how the people are reacting outside of what they say (and for me that's not enough).

Second, your dialogue is well-written, however it needs to be more diverse.  Outside of Nelson and Xerina, I think everyone basically talks exactly the same: very proper and in complete sentences.  It made for a very confusing read when they'd all start talking together.

As for the story itself, I'm sad to say that I think it needs some work.  For a horror film, there's not particularly a whole lot of horror or tension for the first 60 pages or so.  I mean, yeah, we know that the killers lurking out there somewhere, but that's just not enough.  I kept thinking "Where the heck is the killer?!"  You spend almost the entire first 60 pages introducing us to the characters with plenty of dialogue and exposition.  And then, finally around page 60 the killing begins, and even that didn't sit well with me.  You spent all of this time building up all these characters and side plots (relationships, etc) and then in the blink of an eye it's gone.  This may have worked for some, but for me it was just too cold.  It almost felt like two completely different movies spliced together.  Imagine watching a character driven film with no horror in it, and then all of a sudden a killer walks in and starts killing everyone in the most brutal ways possible.  To a degree I understand what you were going for, but it simply didn't work for me.  Sorry.

Other notes:

p.4 - "Would you prefer someone take the law into his own hands?"  - I feel like "his" should be "their"

p.6 - "prattling press pimp police popping psychos" -  Sorry, this line just doesn't work for me.

p.8-  Do we really need to know the speed limit?  I know they get pulled over, but it's very unnecessary.  It reads like you just wanted to put something there.

p.16 - I don't really get the water sports line.

p.23 - "He's going to be on something of hers all weekend."  - awkward line

p.39 - "storey" should be "story"

p.41 - The description isn't real apparent that the piss hit Nelson

p.49 - At this point, I don't really buy Kingsley not caring about the "orange blur".  Any officer worth their salt would be concerned with a murderer on the loose, and Kinglsey hasn't been established as a bad officer, just a prick

p.72 - I don't buy that there's no blood anywhere when Deena is looking around.  I mean, those deaths were GRUESOME

p.81 - He stops because she yells "Stop!"?  That seems weird.

Perhaps the script just wasn't for me, but like I said before, I just want to see more "horror" in the beginning pages.   To me, it was a bad idea to not show the killer until he makes his first kill.  It just comes completely out of nowhere.

Hopefully some of my ramblings have been helpful.  I can always clarify.

Hello, Dressel, and thank you for reading my screenplay. I'll go through your page-by-page points first and then comment on your overall view of the script.

Page 4: Honestly, I don't really see anything wrong with this line.

Page 6: This line is supposed to be awkward and unwieldy, as evidenced by Adam's smart-alecky reply.

Page 8: I listed the speed limit because highways in Oregon have a 65 mph limit. Gordon is them shown to be a liar when he tries to claim the sign read 65 not 55. Plus, I liked the visual of the minivan speeding past the sign.

Page 16: The water sports line is an allusion to a certain sex act.

Page 23: This line was supposed to be awkward as well but, if it's that big a distraction, I can rework it.

Page 39: Sorry, I've seen it spelt both ways. I'll go back and change it.

Page 41: I can go back and add a line to make the scene clearer.

Page 49: I thought I had made it clear Kingsley doesn't perceive Williamson as being a threat ("He's in Washington.") until he discovers the food cans and denim in the ravine. Still, I'll think about this scene.

Page 72: I'll admit it's a stretch but I had hoped to imply Williamson was alone in each home long enough to clean up the blood. This is why Shauna is able to find a blood streak in the kitchen after seeing Williamson drag Bryan and Paige into the woods: He hasn't returned to clean up the scene yet.

Page 81: I was hoping to get across how Williamson initially stopped out of surprise and then decided to chase after Shauna content that Adam was incapacitated.

The reason for the long stretches of dialogue without action lines was because I only wanted to include actions I felt were important. After all, it would be up to the actors and the director to ultimately determine how to play a scene and I didn't want to micromanage via the screenplay.

Once I realized my first draft was too wordy, I made an effort to cut down as much dialogue as I could. One of the consequences is that it made it harder to create colorful passages. Having characters speak in colorful prose filled with slang or typical verbal ticks (such as so, like, and y'know) is hard to do when you need them to get to the point quickly. Still, I'll see if I can do a better job of creating distinct voices.

I don't blame you for criticizing the pacing and structure of the story and I would be the first to agree the screenplay has unconventional pacing. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to remedy this without going against the goals I have for the story. I'll likely have to set this script aside, at least for the foreseeable future, and work on my other screenplays until I can come up with a new spin.

Once again, Dressel, thanks for taking the time to read my script and I appreciate reading your feedback.

My latest draft of Midnight Lake is now online. For those interested, I am willing to exchange scripts (preferably, but not necessarily, a script in the action or horror genres). The script exchange link is:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/m-1226083290/

The first half of the script was reorganized, with some new scenes added in an attempt to add some more tension and better get across the dynamic I was aiming for.

The major changes include Deena experiencing a close encounter when she goes cycling through the woods, two local men making an unfortunate discovery, and a better explanation as to why the vacationers are targeted.

The dialogue was polished throughout, with the biggest change coming to Nelson's character and his manner of speaking. I also trimmed the dialogue slightly to make up for the added scenes, leaving the total amount roughly on par with the previous version.

I just read the script and actually really enjoyed the read. You have a lot of characters, which can be a problem in these slasher films, but they are all really distinct and well drawn. I normally cringe when I see sex crazed teens in a cabin in the woods, cause normally the dialogue and interaction is atrocious, but these are actually very well done. Nelson is especially funny.

The writing is very clear and the structure is all where it should be.

My only beef is that there isn't a lot of suspense, which is the true signature of these kinds of flicks. You whack through about five people very fast before that really cool killing scene with the tough girl. That has tons of suspense and her fight with the killer keeps you on your toes.

Another thing that I would suggest is to maybe change up the method of killing. It works fine here, but usually these flicks go for killing in new an novel ways. You certainly don't have to, but you might want to consider having him knock a few people off with something other than the ice pick.

Good job here. It's a pretty straight forward story with no twists or turns, but its effective. Again, I'd love to see a bit more suspense and build up once the hacking gets rolling.

Good luck with this!
B

Hello, fusilierb, and thanks for reading my script. I'll respond to your feedback below.

As I've mentioned earlier in this thread, I was aiming for a slow build-up which lead to a series of stealthy attacks rather than a series of individual set-pieces. It's possible the murders could play out better if they were more evenly spaced, but that would go against the main goals I've set out for myself when it comes to this specific screenplay.

As for the method of killing, I chose to have Williamson use the ice axe as it gave him a unique weapon which was very versatile (thanks to the pick, adze, and spike) while also allowing for a juxtaposition during the final confrontation when he finds himself up against someone with a larger axe.

Thanks again for reading my script, fusilierb, and I'll try to get to your Rougarou screenplay tomorrow.

Hey Abel, I haven’t read all the previous posts so sorry if I ask questions you’ve already answered.  I do ramble on while I read and point out questions which you may well answer later in the story.  I tend not to point out spelling and grammar mistakes unless it’s important, I tend to comment more on the story.

Also I’ve noticed that in my recent reviews it always comes across as though I hated the story as seem to pick up on negatives and rarely write about the positives, I’ll try to compliment when relevant.  I’m telling you this so don’t feel too disheartened if you only read negative comments, I always sum up at the end and give my final opinion.  Right I’ll get reading...

Used needles are disposed in special containers these days I think.

I do like how the Doctor responds to Mitchell’s question about what happened to the nurse with a ‘don’t worry he’s under control’ and not any concern for the nurse’s health lol.

The opening scenes in the penitentiary are pretty good, it sets a good atmosphere, and the dialogue reads well.  Good start.

I don’t think it’s necessary to state that deer is female.

The cruiser leads the van from the penitentiary but when the deer steps in the road it reads like the van is in front?  This could be a problem as the cruiser would probably always lead the convoy and the gap between would be small, perhaps too small for the deer to dart out between them?

I’d refrain from including character quirks in their descriptions.  You include that Deputy Kingsley is quick tempered but we should find that out and not be told.

‘Water sports’, kinky lol.

Ok so you’ve introduced your characters, and there are a lot of them.  I’m already struggling to remember who’s who.  I understand that you want to give your characters their own identities but they do seem to be a real mixed bunch.  By this I mean, to keep them different you seem to have ended up with a lot of characters that I don’t think gel.  They don’t seem to have much in common and all friends at least share some character familiarities.  Thomas and Nelson arrive together but seem poles apart.

I know Xerina’s jape about ‘good times’ when a colleague in Afghanistan was shot in the face but this is a bit of a touchy subject I think.

I got to say I’m not a fan of the ‘you know this’ll be the last time we’re all together’ speech.  I do like Thomas’ ‘I never know what to do with my hands’ speech though, this is very realistic and he is probably the best character so far.

40 minutes before the first real bit of slasher action and it’s over in a minute.  Good kills though.

When Deena thinks she sees something in the woods outside the guesthouse, why does she, and even Thomas, not think it could be Blake and/or Pierce?  They just saw them roaming around in the woods, I’d have thought one of them would have at least brought up the possibility.  It seems strange that they never told Xerina about their encounter.

I got to ask, what are s’mores?

The police seem a bit slow on the pickup here.  Surely the police were informed of the escaped man from the penitentiary, it was on the radio wasn’t it?  What with the break in too, they still don’t have any concerns that it could be their man?  Nolan hints that he might know something the others don’t, why would he not indulge the info?

When you describe the country roads you describe the car clipping the pavement.  In England, country roads seldom have pavements, they road merely dissolves into the grass verge.  Is this different in America then?  I ask simply because in my head when I think of roads with pavements, I imagine a main road and not a quiet country road.

66 minutes before you introduce the antagonist is too long.  Why not introduce him at the start?  You don’t go into any specific description about his character, anything that can’t be disclosed at the start that would spoil the suspense.

Nolan tells Kingsley to do one more sweep of the lake but he replies that he’s been up the once already.  He said earlier that he had been there twice already and that the group should stop wasting his time.  I have real problems with the police’s ineptitude, like I mentioned earlier, with the break-ins and things being seen in the woods would they have some concerns about Williamson before now?  They don’t even mention the prospect of his whereabouts until 68 minutes.

Are Gordon and Kim sex addicts?  They seem to be constantly horny and can’t wait to jump into bed together, he’s definitely got some stamina!

The first five killings happen without any interaction with Williamson, which isn’t a bad thing as you have five remaining but I found Thomas’ character to be one of the better ones and he went first.

Why does Williamson not kill Adam?  He show’s little emotion and remorse in his killing spree yet obeys her command to stop, and gives chase.

Shauna emerges as your protagonist but only very late in the story.  I had presumed Adam and Shauna to be the contenders at the start but then more notable characters emerged, namely Thomas, Nelson and Xerina.

Williamson chases after Shauna without any ill-effects from his injured leg?  Then begins to limp when he’s being chased?

In all the time it took Shauna and Williamson to race to the guesthouse and back to the lakeside, Adam made no attempt to move.  I know he has an injured back but in the circumstances would he not try to help his girlfriend?

Adam’s last line ‘everything will turn out alright’ reads strange.  I know he’s in shock and it gets the right response from Deena but I just thought, who would say that after 7 of their friends had been murdered?

Well I only noticed a couple of mistakes but I didn’t jot them down, sorry.  On a whole I had no complaints with your writing, it was solid and for the most part your dialogue was good.  I did noticed a few occasions when maybe you should have separated some action as it started with one characters and then finished with another’s without a break.  This can make it confusing at times.   I’ll give you an example of a bit that confused me at first;
‘Her body falls limp and the life disappears from her eyes.  He breathes heavily, struggles just to sit up.....’.

Williamson escapes the crash and the clutches of two guards, after having being restrained by numerous guards at the penitentiary, which would suggest he is a large strong man but he later struggles to fight with Xerina and Shauna.

With so many characters it’s hard to feel for them because we don’t enough about them.  The slow build up allows you to introduce them and give us some background but it makes the opening act too long.  I’d suggest maybe losing a few which would give you more time to add to your better characters.  At the moment with each character is fighting for screen time and as a result their character arcs happen too quickly.  Thomas starts off a quiet recluse but about two scenes later he’s flirting with Deena and then speaking out against the police.  This is similar for Nelson too who becomes sensitive and opens up about his feelings within a few scenes of being obscene in every comment.  The problem I had was these changes might have taken 20 minutes of film time but only a few on-screen character time.  With fewer characters, you can tell us why your characters start with fake personalities and keep their true identities hidden.  I hope this makes sense lol?

OK so it now sounds like I hated this, which I did warn you about at the start lol, but in fact it wasn’t too bad.  There was some suspense and the killings were pretty good.  Your writing is very good and I definitely had no complaints about that but I still feel that by losing a few characters you could make this much better.  Also you need to trim the first act down, and quite a bit too.  At the moment it’s about 60 minutes which means you only have 30 minutes to kill off 7 characters.  By losing characters you might shorten the script but it then gives you space to beef your remaining characters.  A little more info about Williamson might help too, I wondered why he was in the penitentiary in the first place and why he giggles like a child?

I gather you’ve made some significant improvements over your first draft, I just checked a few comments and see this isn’t a first draft, so I don’t doubt you can tweak it a little more to get the most from it.  This is a pretty good slasher but I think you can still improve it.

I hope my comments aren’t too bad Abel, I didn’t hate it, even though my review probably sounds like I did lol.  Good work mate.

Hello, alffy, and thanks for reading my script. I'll go through your response below.

Thanks for your compliments about the opening sequence, and I'm glad you noticed the less-than-compassionate response from the doctor. The line about the doctor tossing the needle in a wastebasket was just a throwaway line. If it's that much of a problem, I can tweak it to refer to a proper medical waste container.

When it comes to the accident, I was trying to get across how the deer appeared between the cruiser and the corrections van. I'll see if I can clarify this. I decided to state the animal was female so the audience would not assume the deer which shows up later was the same as the one seen here.

I have to admit I'm befuddled as to why people seem to think ten people at the lake are too many, especially since many slasher-type films have more than ten victims in the story. Is this because, unlike most films, I've tried to build ten well-rounded characters instead of leaving them as nothing but empty ciphers?

As for the mix of personalities, not all friends share the same interests or personalities. The basic personalities behind Nelson and Thomas, for example, are based heavily on the relationship I have with my extroverted brother. If we can get along, I'd like to think they could as well. Furthermore, you should remember not all of them are friends with each other. Nelson and Thomas, for example, only know Adam and Shauna when they arrive.

The reason the police at first don't believe Williamson is in the area is because, as Kingsley mentions at the beginning, the state police themselves are convinced he is in Washington. Nolan suspects the incidents at the lake may involve Williamson but, with everyone else in authority convinced the killer is heading north and with a small staff at his disposal, he is not sure what to do. I'll see if I can better get this information across.

The term county (not country) road refers to the main road which leads from the highway into the county proper. Generally, these are important roads (especially in an area with w wintry climate like Oregon) and as such are paved. A s'more is a roasted marshmallow and a slab of chocolate sandwiched between two graham crackers. Very tasty. When Kingsley says they've been up there twice, he was referring to Nolan's trip about the "bear" and his trip in response to the "orange blur."

Deena didn't think of Blake or Pierce during the woodpile sequence because the shaking of the trees implied something much larger, like a bear. I'll see if I can clarify this. The reason Deena and Thomas didn't mention their run-in with Blake and Pierce was because they didn't want to get in trouble with the police. The hunters are locals, after all, and their threat to report Thomas for assault and battery would carry some weight with two vacationers from the city.

The reason I didn't formally introduce Williamson until he appears in front of Paige was because I wanted to imply he was obscured or not fully seen until this moment. This is why he was referred to as "the prisoner" in the prologue and "the man" in the woods.

The reason Williamson has trouble with Xerina is because she is quite big and strong as well as a former soldier, not to mention she starts their fight by striking him across the head with a cast-iron skillet. The injuries Williamson sustains in this brawl are also the reason he has trouble with the quick and athletic Shauna.

The reason Williamson stops when Shauna screams at him is because, with Adam injured and defenseless, he is no longer a threat to flee while she still is. I'll see if I can clarify this. You may have missed this, but Williamson does in fact favor his leg when he chases after Shauna. Back injuries can flare up and render someone immobile for a long time which is why Adam does not move until Shauna and Williamson return.

I'm actually pleased to find you thought Nelson, Deena, and/or Xerina could be the ones to face off against Williamson at the end. I'm also happy to learn you were upset when Thomas didn't survive, as this was the reaction I was hoping an audience would have during most of the kills. Adam's last line was supposed to be an empty response, which is why the look on his face shows he agrees with Deena's reply.

Thanks again for reading my script, alffy, and I appreciate your comments.

Well I think you pretty much answered all my questions Abel.

My mistake about the counrty/county road, sorry.

As for the ten people being too many, well I think on screen it would be easier to follow than reading them in the script.

First, let me just say great job for completing a feature long script I know it can be a daunting task. Congrats. I put my summary of what I think at the top and notes at the bottom.

I think that there are too many characters and along with that the kills happen too fast, which enables the story to produce any onscreen terror. Characters are spotting a body, blood or something turning around and in one blow killed, except the last attempt on Shauna’s life, but before those death blows there’s no terror, no cat-and-mouse, no suspense. Well, that’s what I felt anyway. I actually liked some of you characters and suggest combining some if need to be. If you want to rack up body counts till he or we, the audience, get to our main characters and the terror before they die, fine. But, do it with other camper or hunters as Williamson makes his way to the main characters.




Some notes I took as I read.

Midnight Lake

1 – 10p

Escort the prisoner for evaluation. Mitchell believes in due process and wants to escort the prisoner, while his opposition in this scene Elliott believes sometime you have to take the law into your own hands and wants to execute the prisoner as soon as possible.

Adam and Shauna debate about who controls the radio. I think Adam should acknowledge Shauna’s use of alliteration with a gesture like stare and raise of the eyebrow. And, her use of alliteration could become part of her dialogue, which would leave her with a distinct voice.

No one seems to be after anything in the scene between Adam and Nolan so hopefully it holds some purpose like Adam having to call Nolan for help. Maybe an opportunity to establish Nolan has a son, an old friend of Adams’. Maybe that sports car’s accident wasn’t that at all, but do to the serial killer, and maybe Nolan is trying to keep that under wraps to prevent too much of panic. Another deputy could approach and mention something that hints at this possibility. Creates suspense and subtext.

10 – 30p

Gordon wants to hurry up and get there and speeds to do so, while Kim and the others argue his breaking speed the limit. OK, we have more than two characters. Good.

Gordon is snippy with the officer and it fits perfectly a character that would have been speeding. Out of all them.

Kingsley and Nolan debate which direction Williamson is headed. What makes it work is one is saying yes, yes, yes, while the other is saying no, no, no. I see you came back to Nolan so he’ll be playing a bigger role, I was worried that that little chat with Adam was for not but I see you were just introducing him. Sometimes writers introduce characters in a scene where nothing is going on and then they rarely if ever go back to that character, and that’s what I was worried about.

30 – 40p

No one has emerged as the main character. There’s not story before the “hook” (before the killer starts killing) story. There’s no problem. In the movie strangers it was the couple dealing the girlfriend rejecting the marriage proposal, but then the killing starts. In your story there seems be a lot of talk about college and what to do after but it doesn’t to draw any conflict between any of the characters.

Anticipation has mounted with the vandalism of the shed. Our killer may have entered the area.

I like Thomas and Deena dynamic. In the start it appeared Adam and Shauna could emerge as main characters, but Thomas and Deena because you’ll wonder this blossoming relationship will survive after people start dying off.

40 – 60p

The opponent pushed to far in the background



BLB