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Midnight Lake by Abel Orfao (abelorfao) - Horror - Ten college friends gather together at a secluded lakeside residence for one last celebration before fall semester unaware a dangerous predator lurks in the nearby woods. Will anyone discover his presence before it is too late... and will anyone be able to stop him? 94 pages - pdf, format
Thank you SimplyScripts for providing such a valuable resource for everyone interested in the art of screenwriting. For those interested, I am willing to exchange scripts (preferably, but not necessarily, a script in the action or horror genres). The script exchange link is:
I'm in the process of reading the script as I type this. I was intrigued by this because the "killer in the woods stalks unsuspecting horny young people" genre is probably my favorite of all the horror sub-genres. So, I decided to give it a read, and I have to say that I really am enjoying it.
First of all, I really like your work in the opening scene(s). The dialogue seems real, which was definitely a plus here, but I could also tell right away that I would dig your description style. It's clear, concise and to the point rather than having six-line paragraphs of it that flood the page (which is something I have a huge problem with), which makes it a much easier and more enjoyable experience reading your script.
Now, after this portion ends is where my main problem with the script starts: too many characters. Sometimes this works in a screenplay's favor, sometimes it doesn't. For this one, in my opinion at least, it doesn't. With this many characters in a horror/slasher screenplay, it gets hard to distinguish them from one another, especially once the killing begins. I do appreciate that you took the time to really establish their personalities (which is perhaps my favorite thing about this screenplay), but it still causes some confusion between who's who, who's doing what, who's dating who, etc. if you 'get' what I'm saying. Of course, some people have different preferences but this is just one of my pet peeves of the horror genre. Less characters with more development is better than more characters. Just my personal preference.
However, what you've got here is definitely something very good. The deaths are pretty standard fare, but again I think this works in the screenplay's favor. Going too overboard with the creative kills really is a detriment to the overall feel of the screenplay. The scariest horror is horror that is based in reality (see: the original Psycho, Black Christmas, Halloween, and to a lesser extent Friday the 13th), and I feel you've achieved that greatly here.
Well, I'm finishing it up now and I have to say that the last 10 or 15 pages are very suspenseful. I did find it a little goofy when (on page 81) Shauna exclaims "Not again!"...I had to giggle about that one. OH, before I forget; speaking of giggling, I thought it was a nice touch having Williamson giggle every so often. Very nice.
Overall I really enjoyed 'Midnight Lake'. I think it could take a bit of polishing to smooth out some rough spots...and I definitely think a few characters could've been excised completely (which would have increased my enjoyment personally). I hope what I've said is helpful.
Thank you for reading my script, BlackChristmas, and for providing some very constructive criticism.
I'm thrilled you enjoyed the opening sequence, as I found it the most difficult part to write. (My early drafts started with the OSP officers simply stumbling upon the already-overturned van.)
As for your criticism about having too many characters, I was trying to balance having enough potential victims to kill off to please horror fans without having so many I'd be resorted to basic stereotypes with no development.
Looking back, I suppose I should have left out Gordon and Kim as they are probably the least developed characters among the group. As for Shauna's frustrated exclamation, I could easily excise that line if it's too distracting.
Still, I'm glad you (mostly) enjoyed my screenplay. If you have a screenplay of your own you'd like read, BlackChristmas, I'll gladly return the favor.
Hey Abel, I'm more than willing to read this and give you a very detailed review/critique, if you're willing to do the same for me.
My script is titled "Fade to White" and is located in the horror section. I've actually rewritten this recently due to alot of feedback I've received (both in the Horror section and the Script Club section, where it was featured a few months back).
I could easily E-mail the new draft to you, as I'm not quite ready to repost it here yet.
Let me know and we can get started. I could have yours finished by tomorrow night (maybe even tonight, as it looks like a rather quick read.
Hello, Dreamscale. I'll gladly read "Fade To White" for you. Just send the new draft to my hotmail account. Let me know if you want the feedback placed in the discussion board thread or if you want it sent to you by e-mail.
Right on. I'll E-mail it over to you in a few minutes. I've cut it down to 114 pages and added an additional scene. Also made a few things much easier to understand in the ending.
Feel free to post your comments under the Horror section. You may want to start off the review with something to the effect that it's a new draft.
I appreciate it.
I'll get on yours tonight if possible, tomorrow at the latest.
Hey Able, I'm a little more than 1/2 way through this. I've got lots of things to say, and lots of advice that I think is going to help yyou.
I scored tickets to the Cards/49ers game tonight, here in Phoenix, so I'm not going to rush my comments. I'll finish up tomorrow and give you an extremely detailed review. Keep in mind that everything I say is meant as help, and try not to get offended or upset.
I'll be back on tomorrow with everything. take care.
OK Abel, here we go. As promised, I’m going to give you a very in-depth review, complete with comments and suggestions that I hope will help. I’m going to break this down into 2 separate posts (maybe 3 even if I’ve written too much). The first one, here, will go over story, plot, characters, action, and dialogue. The 2nd will cover technical aspects of your script and writing.
As I always preface, please understand that this is all meant as constructive criticism, and is aimed at helping you as a writer, perfect your craft. In no way do I mean to be harsh or cruel in what I say. If you are at all familiar with my reviews, you’ll know that I don’t pull any punches and tells it as I sees it. These are simply my opinions, and please take them as that.
First of all, though, I want to give you a few compliments. You’ve written a 90 page script that is coherent, and tells a complete story with a large number of characters, that are well developed. Everything makes sense and your thoughts and intentions are clear. The script is very clean…I only found about 10 mistakes, and most were simply a letter omitted (Shauna’s name showed up as “Shaun” several times), or a missing word. You obviously spent some time editing this, and it shows. You know how to write and how to tell a story, and these are all great things!
OK, let’s get started…
SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS
Story/plot
This is pretty standard Slasher fare. Sorry to say, but I’ve seen and read this exact story many, many times. A group of 20 somethings spend a weekend away at a remote location (a lake house), while an escaped psychopath killer lurks nearby. One by one, he systematically kills our protags off, leading to a final showdown.
This is by the numbers and very predictable, with literally no twists or reveals. The story is extremely slow and the onscreen violence is almost non existent. What violence you do show, comes off as rather tame and nondescript. Although there are a few possibilities of nudity, and several sex scenes, the lack of swearing and gore, leads me to believe that you’re gunning for a PG 13 rating, with implied sex and nudity, but nothing really being shown.
And this is a big issue, I think. What people are looking for (and appreciate) in a Slasher flick is cool onscreen kills, gore aplenty, sex, nudity, and swearing. You haven’t delivered on these. If you actually do intend on having the nudity and sex (as noted, there are several possibilities here) shown, you’re looking at an R rating, so why not also include the gore that’s required and expected? Your few onscreen kills (other than the demise of Williamson) are for the most part PG 13 rated at most. As far as I can remember, the only killing instrument is a butcher knife (again, other than in the finale), and the way it’s used is quite bland. You need to seriously up the violence and come up with some unique, and or brutal scenes.
Literally 2/3 of your story revolves around our protags arriving at the lake house and then what they do that first day (unpack, talk, have sex, talk, walk, talk, ride bikes, talk swim, talk, hang out, drink, etc.). Things are portrayed in an almost “real time” basis, and the entire story spans less than 1 day, other than your intro, which seems to occur a day or so ahead of the main body of story.
Abel, I know you’re probably not happy hearing this so far, but there just isn’t anything going on here that is at all different, engaging, or entertaining. Way too much time is spent on extremely mundane things, and once things start happening, again, nothing is done in a new, or fresh way, leaving me with a sour taste in my mouth, and a feeling of “been there, done that”.
Characters
Lots of characters here. To be honest, it’s very difficult to keep them separate, even though it’s painfully obvious that you tried to give them a life of their own, with back-story, differentiating looks, mannerisms, etc. The problem is that they’re all introduced pretty much at once and for the most part, they’re all together, in the same location again and again. The fact that they’re all approximately the same age doesn’t help either. Nothing wrong with a cast this size though, as I feel Slasher flicks need a potential large body count, and you’ve provided that.
The biggest problem with the characters, though, is that they’re all total clichés, and standard Slasher personalities. We’ve got the shy guy, the good guy, the obnoxious guy, the cute girl, the bitchy girl, the tough girl, the nice girl, and then the mask wearing, orange prison suited Killer. We’ve all seen these exact characters again and again, and you didn’t really do anything to make them unique or truly “likeable”.
Lets’ look at our Antagonist, as a great example of what’s lacking here. You set him up to be a mass murderer who is large, powerful, and…well…that’s about it. He somehow makes it very difficult for over 6 people to subdue him in the intro, but it’s all done off-screen, so we don’t really have much reason to fear him. Same deal with his initial kills of the guards, as he escapes. We don’t see any of it, so again, why should we be so scared of him?
When he finally starts terrorizing our Protags, he doesn’t seem to be very vicious or powerful at all, as he has trouble taking out girls with no means of defense, while he has the advantage in surprise, a butcher knife, and the fact that he’s a psycho mass murderer. His fight with Xerina should be a simple kill for him, but he has trouble taking her down and repeatedly gets kicked down, etc.
Also, the fact that you dress him in a mask is so cliché! And the orange prison jump suit? Why wouldn’t he take that thing off? It’s a dead give away!
In your intro, you introduce a pretty big number of characters, but you don’t name a single one of them. Your descriptions for these characters don’t even give their sex, so visualizing them is literally impossible. And then in your wrap up, you introduce a bunch of new characters and give them personality traits for no apparent reason, as the story is already over.
In terms of me routing for anyone, I really couldn’t, cause there was so little going on that it really didn’t matter. It was obvious that they were all here for 2 reasons only…to either get killed, or to survive. Sorry to say also, that I wasn’t at all surprised with who did survive, as they seemed (well, 2 of them at least) to be the main characters, and most likely to pull through.
Action
Again, sorry to say, but there wasn’t a lot of action or things going on. Most of your action prose was painstakingly describing extremely mundane things. When the action did heat up, it didn’t come across very well. Your fight scenes seemed like they were all retreads of each other, with exact lines used again and again (kicking Williamson off, slamming people that were hanging on Williamson’s back into walls, running back and forth from the main house to the guest house, and back again, etc.).
Bottom line is that there wasn’t much action here although there was a large body count, which doesn’t seem to make sense. I guess part of the reason is that most of your kills were off screen, implied, or simply not shown (just showing the dead body later).
Dialogue
The dialogue was hit and miss for me, but definitely not bad. At times, various characters said some cute, funny things. Some of the characters actually sounded like they knew each other, which is good. But, for the most part, the dialogue didn’t sound very real to me…especially near the end, when the survivors were in very tense situations.
Most of the examples I’m thinking of are merely a word here and word there that shouldn’t be there. Or characters speaking in very formal, and “correct” English. College aged friends don’t usually sound this way (Hell, most people in general don’t sound this way!). I think the dialogue could be improved pretty easily, and again, I don’t think it’s that bad at all.
This is an extremely heavy dialogue based script. Most of what’s being said doesn’t really have much to do with anything, but I personally don’t have a problem with that. I do feel that just about every single scene has too much dialogue that doesn’t go anywhere.
Nelson’s dialogue was downright ridiculous, but I think you purposely did it that way. The way he spoke with Xerina (what he said, the way he said it, and how he came off) was obviously cartoonish, or maybe just total Slasher cliché obnoxious/horny guy-like. I didn’t buy it at all, but there were some funny interactions between them…they just didn’t ring true.
Thomas and Deena’s interaction also didn’t come across as real. You did a god job in showing Thomas’s shyness and trouble interacting, but Deena’s instant like to him didn’t seem real at all.
Adam and Shauna probably came off the best, but again, there were many instances of dialogue between them that didn’t sound real. They did seem like they were a couple though.
Thank you for reading my script, Dreamscale, especially since it seems to have disappointed you. Still, I'm glad to hear your reactions as well as your constructive criticism.
Although your disappointment in the lack of standard slasher film sex and violence is understandable, it was an intentional decision on my part. Basically, I was aiming for a Halloween-style film based on characterization and suspense as opposed to a Friday the 13th-like gorefest. (Michael Myers, lest we forget, only killed via knife or strangulation in the original film.)
In other words, I was aiming for a film where instead of responding with a "Cool! That chick just got her head cut off!" the audience would react to the murders with a "No! Why'd they kill her?! I liked her!" (A styistic attempt, obviously, which was unsuccessful.)
I was also attempting to take the standard Friday the 13th formula (several young people at an isolated lake being picked off one by one by a masked killer) and slyly subverting it.
For example, after clearly being set up as the Final Girl, Deena ends up being swiftly injured by Williamson and plays no factor in the final confrontation. Likewise, after being established as virgins who are deeply in love and on the road to marriage, Paige and Bryan end up being quickly dispatched by Williamson.
Furthermore, while initially appearing to be the invincible masked killer cliché, Williamson can be hurt (as witnessed by the cut to his leg which remains injured instead of magically healing) and eventually killed with no chance for a Jason Voorhees-like rebirth. (My attempts at subversion, apparently, were also unsuccessful.)
Once again, Dreamscale, thank you for your criticism and I look forward to your further comments.
Hey Abel, I'm glad you took what I said the way you did. I was actually a bit worried that I was being too harsh.
As for your suggestion that you went for a "Halloween" story or vibe, that's fine, but keep in mind that Halloween came out 30 years ago, and alot has changed since then. I think that's why Zombie's remake was recieved so poorly. Although he added a bunch of back story, and violence, there just wasn't much there. The original worked because it was fresh, new, something that few had seen before. And Carpenter handled the tension and suspense masterfully. It was truly a terrifying movie, and pretty much introduced the masked killer, whom we've all come to love. The success wasn't relying on the violence, but more of the suspense, and based on the local, the plot had lots of places to go...nothing was so obvious and predisposed.
Part 2 – Technical aspects of the script and writing in general
Abel, you’re probably already cursing me, and I apologize if that’s indeed the case. Here’s where I think I can provide some suggestions and help with your overall writing. I’m sure going to try, at least.
Format
Well done throughout. Very few problems with overall format, and as I said earlier, this is a very clean, mistake-free script. There was 1 scene in which I think you missed some “(OS)” cues when Xerina was in the upstairs bathroom talking with several characters that were outside. I’d suggest relooking at that scene and making corrections.
Also, mostly in the intro scene, you missed capitalizing a bunch of characters when they were first introduced, but there were so many, and mostly throwaway characters, that’s understandable. I’d give it another look though.
Again, in your intro, as I mentioned earlier, you didn’t name any of the characters, and it got to be tough to get through this. If a character is going to have multiple speaking lines, they should have a name. Also, when you’ve got several cops or nurses, or whatever, that have speaking lines, give them a name. I personally hate reading things like “Cop 1”, Cop 2”, etc. In this example, you had 2 cops who were transporting Williamson, and they each used each others names in dialogue, but you never actually gave them that name (Roland and Inverness?). It was a rough read here with all the “first cop”, “second cop” stuff going on.
Another thing to keep in mind is not to use the scene heading in your first sentence following it. Once you set the scene, we know where we are, so you don’t need to repeat it. You did this frequently, and it simply adds space that is both unnecessary and frustrating for the reader.
Writing
OK Abel, you’re either gonna love me or hate me for this, but again, this is merely meant to help, and I think it definitely will.
Your writing style is what I’m going to call “odd”, or “strange”. It’s technically not wrong, but it makes the read difficult and also artificially lengthens the script. 90%, and probably closer to 99% of your action/description prose is 1 compound sentence with 2 or more things going on. Most of these start with words like “As”, “While”, “Once”, “Before”, etc. Other instances are “Emerging”, “Entering”, etc., whish are passive verbs, and frowned upon in screenwriting (it’s 1 thing to have a few passive sentences in your script, but when you literally start the sentence off this way, it’s a red flag for sure). It’s literally shocking if you scan through here how often you’ll see these words starting your sentences.
The problems this causes are multiple. First, every time you start a new “paragraph” (in this case, a new sentence), you have to use a blank line. So by not creating any actual paragraphs, you’ve got tons and tons of blank lines, which make the script much longer in terms of pages than its actual run time, based on the old rule of thumb that 1 page of script equals 1 minute of film. As far as I’m concerned, action paragraphs should never exceed 5 lines, and really should rarely exceed 4. But I think you can see that by never stringing sentences together, you’re adding a ton of extra space that literally doesn’t say a single word.
Secondly, just about every sentence of yours is long and has at least 2 actions or thoughts going on, so it’s just not a quick easy read…you have to almost stop and re-read each sentence to make sure you’ve gotten what was just written. You’ll hear people describing screenwriting as being clean, tight, and neat, etc. It should be, as you want to make the read as easy as possible for your readers.
Using words as described above to start most of your sentences is also strange for me. I have nothing against doing it every now and then, but it just gets weird. The sentences all seem to sound alike and it gets really old quick.
What you’re writing in your action/description prose is your biggest problem here. There is WAY TOO MUCH DETAIL given on a constant basis. You have whole passages that take up ½ a page and more that shouldn’t be included, because they are such mundane things. Examples are descriptions of the houses, what each character is wearing, characters walking through a house, room to room, taking out various foods, utensils, etc. When you initially introduced all your characters, look how many times you used the words “driver side door”, “passenger side door”, etc. These things are understood if they’re exiting a car, how else are they going to get out? It’s all just wasted space and when you keep repeating yourself, it gets very irritating. There are probably at least 25 pages, if not more of these sorts of things that could/should be chopped out that literally wouldn’t change a single thing about your script.
And this leads into another HUGE problem. At 87 pages, you’re looking at an hour and 27 minute film. If I’m correct, taking out 25 pages brings this script down to an hour long movie. And I’d say that it’s even pushing it. There’s just not nearly enough going on here. We’re about 2/3 into your script before anything really happens, and when things do start to happen, the payoff isn’t worth the long haul we’ve been through to get there.
Some other things to think about in your writing…don’t say things like “Shauna hears…”. It cannot be filmed and shouldn’t be included.
When describing your characters, you can’t say things like “college senior”, because that doesn’t tell us anything at all about their age. Also, you repeated this description for every single character! Give them an actual age. Don’t include so much detail about what each character is wearing unless it somehow is relevant to the story, or maybe funny, or something.
Don’t use words like “meanwhile”, or any other such phrases in between your compound sentences. You did this over and over, and if you’re going to do it at all, cut down on the frequency. Also, way too many instances of words like “then”, “however”, etc. inside sentences that don’t say anything and just take up additional space.
Don’t continually use “this” instead of “the” or the like in your descriptions. It doesn’t sound right, and again, after awhile, it gets irritating.
Be careful of using the same words or phrases near each other. There are numerous examples of this throughout your script, and they jump off the page in a negative way. “Nodding in acknowledgement”, “…startled by the sound of a breaking branch, emanating from the woods”, “mystery man” are all examples of repeated phrases verbatim.
And finally, there are WAY TOO MANY descriptive adjectives before a character’s name being used. You’ve done this just over and over again, and it just shouldn’t be in here. They take up space for no reason, because they’re not filmable things, and they get so annoying. Drop them all.
Abel, I’d say that if I was going to do a “quick” rewrite, this script wouldn’t exceed 45 pages. That would mean not changing or adding anything. I honestly feel that’s how much extra “garbage” is in here. Obviously, it appears that you intended on writing a full length feature, and if I’m even remotely correct, you’ve only got enough stuff here for ½ of a full feature.
So I’d suggest thinking up some new ideas for this to increase its (actual) length. You need a lot more going on, and when I say that, I mean a lot more interesting, engaging, unique stuff. I think you need at least 1 new setting. I also feel you need another character that could save the day or die along with the rest of the people. It’s just so obvious what’s going to happen, because you didn’t set up any other possibilities.
Hope this helps, and again, it’s all meant to move you forward in your writing.
Hello again, Dreamscale, and thank you for providing some more criticism.
In terms of my writing style, I guess my mistake was attempting to write the action in a storytelling style as opposed to utilizing a straightforward, almost bullet-point fashion. I was hoping writing the action sequences with story-like prose would make the screenplay read easier, a decision which seems to have backfired.
I do have to take exception with your assumption tightening the prose would only leave a one-hour long film. While Midnight Lake uses roughly the same amount of action words as both the Halloween and Friday the 13th screenplays (both of which led to 90-95 minute long films), my script contains 2,000 to 2,500 more dialogue words than either of the others.
In addition, a quick glance at both those screenplays finds the only difference they utilize is restricting each point to its own brief sentence. If either script were written with the same type of prose I used, I doubt their lengths would be changed in any substantial way.
I apologize if I'm sounding argumentative, Dreamscale, because I really do value your opinions. Once again, I thank you for slogging through such an un-enjoyable script and providing valuable feedback.
You're not being argumentative at all. You should always feel free to speak your mind and stick up for whatever you believe in.
A couple things I want to respond to...
It sounds like you're basing your script on Friday the 13th and Halloween. I want to say again that you're talkng about movies that were released 30 years ago, and have been done to death ever since. There are literally thousands of clones of these movies. Also, and maybe even more important, is the fact that these were written 30 years ago. Screenwriting has come along way in 30 years...a LONG way! If you're going off original Spec scripts, you'll notice that they look alot different than current scripts do.
You say that based on your word counts, your script has roughly the same amount of action words, and over 2,000 more dialogue words. Here's the deal...as I said, you've got first of all roughly an additional 40% or so extra action words that need to be edited out...things that have absolutely no business being in your script or any script. Once they come out, your script is no longer roughly the same size as the others. And having an extra 2,000 words of dialogue is also not a really good thing. Your script is way too "talky". The vast majority of your script is dialogue, and for a Slasher flick, that's not what you want.
Stick with it Abel. It will be interesting to see what others will have to say. You'll have to read other scripts in here and post reviews adn that way, maybe others will give yours a read as well.
Hello again, Dreamscale, and thank you for your words of encouragement.
You'll be glad to know I'm not a one-trick pony in terms of the number or types of screenplays I've been working on. Over the past three-and-a-half years, I've worked on nine scripts in various genres (although not all of them are anywhere near ready for prime time).
Two of my other scripts posted here, War Machine and Chrysanthemum, are an action film and a murder mystery, respectively (although, considering your misgivings on my writing style, I'm hoping you ignore them for the moment ). Furthermore, I have what I feel are solid ideas for five more scripts, including a police procedural as well as a chase film.
I plan on sticking with it, Dreamscale, and thanks for wishing me luck. God knows I'll need it!
My latest draft of Midnight Lake is now online. For those interested, I am willing to exchange scripts (preferably, but not necessarily, a script in the action or horror genres). The script exchange link is:
I've added some scenes featuring Nolan, Kingsley, and the county patrol in general for a few reasons. First, I aimed to give a greater sense of community and normalcy. Second, I hoped to break up the monotony of seeing the same characters in the same setting over and over again. Third, I tried to steadily increase the tension and drama. In the most notable change, the county patrol learns of the killing spree before Williamson attacks Shauna and Adam.
Other changes I made include giving Williamson a unique instrument of death (taken from an idea rejected from another project I'm working on) and making the murder sequences more explicit. In this draft, Gordon and Nelson both die on screen and Kim's murder is more graphic.
The biggest change I made, however, was in my action prose. Following Dreamscale's advice, I've tried to write the action sequences in a more direct and straightforward manner. The action is prose is now much shorter and hopefully easier to read. While I was at it, I also trimmed the dialogue in some of the more talkative scenes. In fact, despite adding over a dozen new scenes, this new draft is slightly shorter than the previous version.
Hey Abel, I see you have a new draft up. I read the first 10 pages or so and see MAJOR IMPROVEMENTS! Seriously, so much better. Way to go. I will try and get back to this in its entirety, but can't promise it anytime soon.
You really did correct some early problems for sure, as in terms of naming your characters, and making things flow much better.
Hello again, Dreamscale, and thanks for looking at my new draft. I was hoping to hear from you as the advice you gave me was very valuable. I'm glad you're pleased with the screenplay so far, and I hope the rest of the script holds up as well.
Sorry for the delay , I hope this helps you in some way. ( Apologies in advance for the awful spelling below! )
Im a fan of slashers so this should be up my street. I enjoyed the first 6 pages, nicely written and I like the style you use. Very easy to read, everything pushes forward and it comes off very smoothly. I'm reminded of Halloween straight from the dialouge and the set up of the prisoners escape - even if you didnt use the exact same method. Again since Im a big fan of that series this is all positives for me. So I enjoyed the opening segment.
Slightly baffled to the description of Gordon - it sounds like you have described a female but with the name and making it 2 girls and 2 boys, it must be a guy, right? This is resolved in the following pages but perhaps you might want to have a look at his description. Perhaps I have read this wrongly, if so, I apologize for being slower than even my usual self.
43 pages in - there's a lot of characters introduced but so far all dialouge is fun and written well. Nicely paced so far. Very much Friday The 13th territory? 50 : It's a nice touch that you have Deena see a couple of things and at least the group have called the cops. Usually everyone just dismisses it and by then it is too late. 56: Begining to wonder how much time you are leaving for any murder spree to take place! A couple of pages on and after asking for one murder, I get four in a matter of moments! 67: Glad Xerina put up a fight against Williamson, albeit in vain. 77: I liked the scenes of Shauna finding out about Williamson and how she dealt with it and finding Adam - who I did momentarily think was dead. 79: Is this a Friday The 13th Part 4 homage with the hobbling Williamson chasing Shauna? Good ending.
The murders themselves and the set ups were decent. I dont think you wanted to go over the top with them and I dont think you needed to. The cops acted realistic and not as other slashers often depict them. I liked the role-reversal ending. Nicely done. Not very often do you see the victim chasing after the killer.
This was a decent slasher that was remarkably well written. It was to the point and your descriptions and actions were spot on. Your style was a major factor in how quickly I was able to read through this script. I also have to say the dialouge you wrote was very good. There isnt a line in here that I thought was out of place and although a lot of it was humourus you did a good job in when it needed to be serious too. The only thing slight nag I have is that I see you tried to make suspense build up until the killing began but it never quite reached fever pitch for me. Once the first victim gets it, it comes as no surprise for the others because you have such a long list of characters to kill with such little time left. The suspense is here but I think you could extend the script by perhaps spacing out the murders a little more or adding more moments that you have here : Williamson is seen once as a blur, there's a sound heard by Deena prior to this and Nelson's trick on Xerina. That and the Jenkins broken in shed are all decent scenes but I would have liked to seen maybe just a couple more that built the tension up. The murders themselves and the set ups were decent. I dont think you wanted to go over the top with them and were more into capturing some thrill rather than concentrate on gore or brutality...Interesting that the most violent death should be to the killer. The characters were typical Friday 13th characters for me. There wasnt anyone in here to dislike - perhaps some might say Nelson but I thought he was quite funny - and the survivors were pretty obvious. Having said that, I have to admit Thomas' death came as a bit of a surprise considering we don't see it and is only mentioned at the end. I was half expecting him to return and save the day. The story is about as thin as you can get but I dont think you will mind me saying that as it was probably your intention to put together a simple slasher. In that respect you succeeded. My only negative comment would have to be the lack of suspence before the killing begins. Although you did put some moments in, and I fully appreciate how little time you have to cram all this in, I think you left yourself trying to beat the clock aswell as the 7 victims you needed to dispatch are in the last 20 pages or so.
All in all, and with my slasher fan head on, I have to say this was a very good read. If this was a movie I would not have been let down.
Hello again, Scoob, and thanks for taking the time to read my screenplay.
I'm glad you noticed the allusions to both Friday the 13th and Halloween. Midnight Lake was the very first script I wrote, and my goal was to do a Friday the 13th film with a Halloween style. That is, rely more on characters and suspense than flat-out gore. I also included some allusions to both films. Three hundred milligrams of Thorazine, a group of friends by an isolated lake, and the killer with a featureless mask are just a few.
I also tried to subvert some of the more typical clichés. The police are fully present and competent. Paige and Bryan don't have sex and die. Shauna and Adam do have sex and live. Thomas and his disappearance set up the idea of him saving the day, only to have him turn out to be the first one killed. Deena is set up as the Final Girl, but doesn't take part in the final confrontation.
I thought Gordon's description was straightforward but, on second look, I could understand why you would be confused. I'll have to go back and change that. I also agree there should be more spacing between the murder set pieces, especially between Paige and Bryan's deaths and Gordon and Kim's demises. Now that I think about it, I could probably add more spacing simply by reshuffling some of the scenes. I could probably place a county patrol scene, for example, between the aforementioned sequences.
Once again, thank you for reading my script and I appreciate your thoughts.
I read this script and hate to say it's pretty run of the mill. Not saying it wouldn't sell or doesn't compete with other movies I've seen in the genre, but it just doesn't do anything new. I know it's hard to find a new idea, take on something or even a kill... but in the end your script ends up looking like "just another" and while that might be what you were happy with, and going for all along; a lot of people out there right now are writing scripts just like this...
What I'm trying to say is this; the script is written pretty well. You have formatting down, if not a bit long in your descriptions and a tad too on the nose with your dialogue sometimes, but at the end of the day if you were trying to market this script for anything other than personal fullfilment or for educational reasons for yourself and others to learn from here on the site... You'd have a really hard time getting noticed.
Again, I'm not saying your script is bad at all. It's written very well. I'm saying the concept needs some tweaks and maybe the title needs a little more juice to it.
Great attempt at tackling a tough genre though, man. Really.
Hello, Baltis. Thank you for reading my script and I'm sorry to learn it disappointed you.
Midnight Lake was the very first script I ever wrote, mainly written out of a fit of pique after watching Friday the 13th Part V. Honestly, I think anyone could have written a better screenplay than the one they used. I wasn't trying to reinvent the wheel so much as write a competent story with interesting characters and suspenseful situations.
Once again, Baltis, thank you for reading my screenplay and I hope my future scripts are more to your liking.
I didn't dislike your script in the least. I enjoyed it, and read it all in one sitting. I very much liked the script for what it was, and even said it was just as good as anything you'd see in the genre it represents in todays day and age.
I'm not all together sure it could hang with "Twitch of the Deat nerve" or "House by the Cemetery" but as far as Friday the 13th movies go... you're doing pretty good. Maybe your killer isn't as iconic or as acclaimed as Jason, or might ever be... But you could, with some tweaks, substitute a Friday the 13th script for yours and call it a day. Again, if that's what you are going for. Easily.
Is that good or bad...? Well, depends on who you ask. Me, myself, not a fan of the series or a good half of the genre.
As for your take on Friday the 13th part 5... I hafta say I disagree. While it wasn't Jason it was different and the writer took enough risk to make a cleverly disguised "who don't it?" inside a tired and true Friday the 13th installment... You might not of liked it because it strayed from the formula, but look at it in the creative light and then compare what "IT" did that all the others didn't do. You might be surprised at how much you missed.
Same with Halloween 3... It's probably my favorite one, tied with part 2 in all honesty. Why? Cos' it was vastly different. It tried something new. Take a look at the otherside of the coin sometimes, man... Seriously. Some of my best work could've been absolutley predictable and run of the mill had I not looked at some of the more risky routes.
I will absolutley be checking out your work in the future. First attempts are like trying to walk a greased up tight rope with muddy shoes. You might slip and fall on your face, or you might make it to the end safe.
Hello again, Baltis, and thanks for your quick response. Let me first apologize for misinterpreting your thoughts about my script. On first glance, your comments on how Midnight Lake seemed run of the mill and looked just like any other script indicated a thumbs-firmly-down review. I'd also like to clarify my comments concerning Friday the 13th Part V and explain how my negative response to the film led me to write this screenplay.
Although I'm not a fan of the film, I'd never argue it is among the worst films of its genre. The basic premise behind the film -- Tommy being so traumatized by his encounter with Jason he may have become a murderer himself -- is quite sound. Furthermore, the film contains what, in my humble opinion, are amongst the two best sequences in the entire series -- Tommy's nightmare at the beginning of the film and Joey's sudden and brutal death at the hands of Vic. What really bothered me, and what led me to write Midnight Lake, is how the film seems to revel in the very tropes I find most annoying and displeasing about the genre.
First, every victim is either unlikable or one-dimensional. Ethel and Junior are two of the most repellent characters I've ever seen, a fact made worse by the vast amount of screen time they have. The characters at the institute, meanwhile, are barely characters at all. In all the time we spend with her, for example, we learn Vi loves to do the robot... and not much else. By making the victims as uninteresting as possible, the filmmakers invite the audience to revel and enjoy their deaths as opposed to actually being horrified when a character they like and sympathize with is murdered.
Second, there are a slew of one-and-done characters throughout the story. People we've never met before suddenly show up partway through the film and are promptly killed in a transparent attempt to up the body count. The two men whose car breaks down, the waitress at the diner, Reggie's older brother and his girlfriend, and so on. The worst of these characters is the drifter who shows up at Ethel and Junior's place and has twenty seconds or so of screen time before he is killed.
Third, the authority figures are presented as both incompetent and disinterested. The worst example is when the sheriff matter-of-factly declares the killer has to be Jason Voorhees. Let's set aside both the mayor's firm declaration Jason was cremated and the fact the film does not take place near Crystal Lake and ask ourselves these questions: If the sheriff really thinks Jason has come back from the dead to kill again, why does he spend all day just sitting around in his office? Shouldn't he be calling the neighboring counties and the National Guard in search of reinforcements? Shouldn't he be constantly patrolling the area around the institute where the murders are taking place?
Fourth, the film ends with not one but two inane twist endings. First, after saving her life and nearly dying in the process, Tommy suddenly and inexplicably stabs Pam in the stomach with a knife... only for the sequence to be revealed as a dream Tommy has in the hospital. Then, when Pam really does enter Tommy's room, she finds he has disappeared and fails to notice as a hockey-masked figure with a knife appears behind her. I know the idea is to send the audience home with a shock but, when the ending (endings?) is as illogical and inane as this, the end result is sending the audience out the door while rolling their eyes derisively. Unsurprisingly, both twist endings were ignored when it came time to film the next installment.
These are the annoying tropes which caused me to write Midnight Lake. I tried to make all the characters likable and sympathetic in some way, I excluded any one-and-done victims from the main story, I tried to present the police as competent and engaged, and I had the film conclude with a definite and unambiguous ending. Whether I succeeded in my goals, of course, are entirely up to the reader.
Once again, Baltis, thanks for your response and sorry about the length of my reply.
I still haven't read this new draft, but will try to later today.
A couple things about Baltis' comments...
First of all, IMO, anytime you get more than a single sequel on a simple little story like Friday the 13th or Halloween, you've got too many. There's literally no where to go when you're dealing with a slow, 1 trick pony antag like Jason or Michael Myers. They really can't go anywhere, and can't do anything other than sneak up behind stupid kids doing crap they shouldn't be doing. So we know exactly what we're going to get long before the movie plays.
Now, Halloween III: Season of the Witch isn't at all attached to the other Halloween films. It is a clear departure, and makes no bones about it. I also thought it was actually pretty good, and I saw it at the theater, when it was originally released. It doesn't hold up very well now, but it does have a wonderful, catchy little tune running through it, that stays with you forever (much like the original Friday and Halloween, and people don't seem to realize that much of their success was based on the "music"...the little jingle tune from Halloween, and the chanting noises from Friday).
Everything after Friday the 13th Part 2, has been a complete waste...OK, 3D wasn't horrible, and Part VII with that babe Lar Park Lincoln was at least a bit different, and I guess some would say that X and Freddy VS. Jason were OK, but just based on what Jason is, there's no reason for all these other sequels which are for the most part carbon copies of each other, only worse and worse each year.
So, what am I saying here, and why is it on Abel's post? As Baltis said, and I said originally, why strive to write something that doesn't offer anything new? The latest Friday made a shitload of cash on it's opening weekend and then disappeared quickly (but still turned a massive profit). But that's because it was a new Jason movie, and fans of the movies were obviously dying to see him again in a new light, so to speak.
So, Baltis' point is well taken with me. And, Abel, I'm not putting you or your script down at all, and I will read it and post feedback ASAP. As I said earlier, the first 10 pages are light years better than your original draft. I just have this sneaky suspicion that I know what I'm going to be posting when I'm done, and that's a been there, done seen that feeling.
OK, Abel, finished. I took pretty detailed notes as I went along and that’s going to be my main feedback here, but I do want to say a number of things first.
What a difference between this and your first draft! Wow, simply amazing how you cleaned up so many problems. It appears that you completely overhauled this and the result is a night and day difference. I’m very impressed how much better this is, and I totally mean that. Nice work!
Your additional scenes are all great and they really help the script overall. The addition of all the cops is much needed. As you said, it really did help to break things up. Also, I liked the scenes about the broken into sheds. They gave some foundation that Williamson was nearby and going to be showing up. Again, great work with these additions.
Also, your action prose was so much better. I see you took out all those odd, compound sentences, and got rid of the passive verbiage very nicely. The talky scenes come off better as well, and I can tell that you cut a lot of fat out, without really losing anything important or memorable.
Also loved the addition of the actual onscreen kills and gore. It works so much better now. The kills were much better, and you did manage to infuse some much needed tension throughout. The ice axe was also a welcome addition. I think I would have liked to see something else as well, but any way you look at it, it works so much better.
OK, now for the downside. I think this still needs quite a bit of work, and most of my issues can be taken care of rather painlessly, but it will require quite a bit of effort on your part.
Although your prose is much, much better, it really needs some work, still. You’ll see exact examples in my page by page notes, but let’s go over it here in more detail. You used characters names over and over, and over again…many times in back to back lines and sentences. It doesn’t read well at all, and actually gets very annoying. It’s actually shocking how often you do this. I referenced page 66 and 67, but this runs rampant throughout the script, pretty much every page. I made a wild guess (thinking I was way overestimating just to get the idea across) how many times you used Xerina and Williamson on page 66 at 50 times. I actually went back and counted, and it was actually 55, I think. 55times! WOW! When you reread this, I think (actually, I know) you’re going to be shocked.
Here’s the deal. When you properly intro a scene, we as readers will know what’s going on and who’s in it…what’s in it, etc. Whenever you can, don’t restate someone’s name. Don’t restate an object that we know is in play. Use something else, or write a compound sentence (just don’t do it like you did before!). Any and all writing needs to be clear, so that we understand who’s doing what, etc., but you don’t need or want to continually use the same name or word over and over again. When you have a scene with 1 or 2 people, this should be very simple to fix up. Other scenes with multiple characters, you’ll need to write it so we know what’s going on, but I think you can tone those down as well, with some stronger prose. If you have questions on this, PM me, and I’ll give you more detail.
Taking this a step further, most of your action prose comes across as too basic and lacking in “action”…or feeling. Xerina does this. Xerina does that. Then Xerina does this. It just doesn’t have the feeling you want, and comes off as rather stale and bland. Give it a look and see if you don’t see what I’m talking about.
Finally, as I said originally and Baltis also seemed to agree with, the story itself isn’t anything new or fresh. I know you wrote this in response to Friday and Halloween, and even more exactly, to a certain Friday sequel. If that’s what you want to write, that’s fine and cool. But understand that even when it’s written as powerfully or perfectly as it can, it’s not going to garner much interest, other than as a rehash of countless other generic slashers. Hope that makes sense, cause I don’t mean this as an insult or anything like that.
OK, check out my notes and see if you follow what I’m saying. I hope this helps, Abel, and as I said numerous times up front, I am so impressed with the improvements here. I know it’s not an easy thing to overhaul a script like this. I still think it’s rather short in terms of how long it would play out onscreen, and feel that you could easily add another 10-20 pages of action/story/whatever. There’s a lot of short back and forth dialogue that will play much faster than 1 page equaling 1 minute, so I’d say you’re running time here is well under 75 minutes, and I don’t think that’s going to cut it in terms of a full length feature.
Overall, great improvements, Abel! Keep at it, my friend. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.
Page1 No need to include “from the night sky”, as you indicated it’s night in your slug.
“prison guard” should be all capped, since it’s his first intro.
Page 2 “nurses” should also be all capped, since again, it’s their first intro. Same with the next 4 nurses, 6 prison guards, and male prisoner.
Page 4 “Deer” should also be all capped…first intro, again.
You stated that both of the rear doors had popped open, but then you say, Roland prepares to open one of them.
Page 5 Now Inverness is also opening those rear doors, that were already opened…twice now!
There isn’t any “ground” inside the van.
Page 6 “sedan” should be capped again. Every time you intro something or someone new, use all caps, so everyone is aware it is now in play.
As apposed to saying that Adam listens to classical music, just say, “Classical music plays…”, because everyone in the sedan is listening to it, right?
Page 7 I’d cut down the speech on the radio a tad. It runs too long and we all already know this. Once we hear something about it, we’ll understand that everyone in the car will know the details as well.
OK, question…you’re saying that Adam and Shauna drove past the accident site last night, or just earlier? Since it’s now noon the next day, I’m pretty sure the site would be completely cleaned up by now. Nit picky? Yes, just wondering, though.
Abel, your first 10 pages are so much better now! Seriously, worlds away. Nicely done. I’d recommend that you watch using the same words over and over, though. I’ve read “sedan” and Adam’s sedan” many times already. We know they’re in a sedan, so no need to keep saying it.
Page 10 “…a slender brunet with an appealing exotic look…” – sounds like you’re describing a chick! (but I see that “brunet” actually refers to a male) I just don’t like this description. I think you’re going a bit overboard with every character’s hair color. If you want to point a few out, fine, but no need for us to know exactly what color hair everyone has.
Page 18 You continually use each character’s name over and over. Here’s a perfect example of when you don’t need to. Check this out, and think about it in the many other instances as well.
“A set of US Army dog tags dangle from Xerina’s neck.” Just use “her”. You can do this in multiple places and it will make the read better, because the sentence right before it let us know you are talking about Xerina.
Page 19 I think that Nelson arrives way too closely to Xerina. Based on this, they’d be right next to each other on the drive in, and I don’t think that was the case. I’d try and space them out just a bit. It will be easier on all the intro’s also. JMO.
Page 29 Another great example of you using Deena’s name over and over, in every sentence. We know this is about Deena…use “she” or “her”.
Page 37 There’s another “…sound of a breaking branch suddenly emanates from the nearby woods.” I think I commented on this stuff before. Change it up a bit…don’t use identical phrases. You probably don’t need the “suddenly” part at all.
Page 38 I don’t like all the “mystery man”, “mystery person” stuff here.
Page 41 “bear” should be singular here, but the entire dialogue doesn’t sound right as it is.
Page 48 Again! The same exact line about the “…sound of a breaking branch suddenly emanates from the nearby woods.” C’mon Abel...no more! Word it differently, damnit!!!!
Page 52 Should be “too” chicken to…
Page 59 I don’t think you should refer to Williamson simply as “man”. You intro him a few line later, but in reality, he’s already been intro’d in the beginning. It’s completely obvious this is him, so I’d recommend coming right out and saying it’s Williamson. Now, back to the orange jumpsuit…I thought some work clothes were stolen from 1 of the sheds. As I said before, there just isn’t reason at all that he would keep that orange prison suit on, as it’s a dead give away, and most importantly, being orange, it’s so easy to see him, and that’s the last thing he would want.
Page 61 I personally don’t like Gordon’s little asides he does. It’s as if he’s talking to the camera and it doesn’t work here, IMO.
Note how many times you use “Gordon” and “Kim” on this 1 page. It’s been going on nonstop, but this page should be a dead give away on how you need to change this trend, and use “he”, “she”, “his”, or “her”. Know what I’m saying?
Page 66 I don’t like what Xerina says here at all. Doesn’t sound good.
OK, Abel…here we go again. Count the number of times on this page that you use “Williamson” and “Xerina”. I didn’t do it, but I bet ya, it’s somewhere like 50 times. Same thing on page 67. Crazy! Way, WAY too much!
Page 68 Hmmm, how long ago was there a death in here (assuming that’s why it smells so bad)? Seems like Shauna and Adam have been hanging in the kitchen for awhile. I’m confused.
Way too much detail about the pie and exactly what Shauna is doing ion the kitchen.
Hello again, Dreamscale. Thank you for taking a look at my new draft and for your very detailed response. I'll go through the points in your posts and relay my comments.
Pages 1 to 4: I've read many sources which say only to use uppercase lettering when introducing speaking characters in the story. Those sources went on to say minor characters with no lines like the nurses and security guards seen in the prologue are essentially scenery. I'd like to get a definitive ruling on this. Then again, it seems as though there's never a definitive rule about anything other than what margins to use.
Page 5: I meant to imply the van's rear doors had only slightly opened during the crash. Roland then fully opened one door while Inverness fully opened the other door. I'll have to rewrite the scene to make this clearer. I can also tweak the scene to say the guards inside the rear of the van lay sprawled inside the vehicle.
Page 6: Again, the sources I've read never mentioned anything about capitalizing props such as vehicles. The music line was meant to indicate Adam was engaged and listening while Shauna was absorbed in her magazine. If it's a problem, I'll go back and fix it.
Page 7: I'll have to agree the speech is too long. I'll go back and lop most of it off. I also meant to indicate Adam and Shauna drove past the scene of the crash a short while ago. I can clarify this by tweaking the dialogue.
Page 10: That's it! I'm definitely rewriting Gordon's description! I also mentioned the hair color to try to differentiate the characters and make it easier to picture them in the mind. If the references are too much, I'll go back and change them.
Page 18: I've read some scripts where the character names are mentioned in the action prose constantly and others where they're almost never mentioned at all. I guess I went overboard in trying to make my action prose clear. I'll have to change that in my next draft.
Page 19: I'll have to agree there should be something between Deena and Xerina's arrival and Nelson and Thomas's appearance. I need to think about what to do there.
Page 29: I know.
Page 37: I'll admit I have a habit of leaning on the same phrases from time to time. I'll have to watch myself more closely in the future.
Page 38: By referring to a "mystery man," I was trying to indicate the person entering the house was obscured from view and not identifiable. If I said it was Nelson, I thought it would ruin the impact of the sequence. How would you suggest I handle this?
Page 41: Adam's dialogue was meant to show his frustration with Deena, Thomas, and Shauna constantly asking him about bears during the time they waited for Nolan. If the line is really that awkward, I'll go back and change it.
Page 48: I know, I know.
Page 52: Oops!
Page 59: Again, I initially referred to Williamson as "a man" because I didn't want his face to be seen until Bryan saw it. You may have missed this, but Williamson was initially clad in prison denims. (These are the denims Kingsley finds at the bottom of the ravine.) The orange jumpsuit is the work clothes stolen from Jenkins's shed. As for the color, I chose orange specifically because it's the color hunters often wear in the wild. I was trying to make Williamson seem like the hunter in the woods stalking his prey.
Page 61: If Gordon's asides are really that bothersome, I'll remove them.
Page 66: It was my hope Xerina's desperate pleas would aggravate the audience. Why is this tough character suddenly whimpering like a child? Xerina striking Williamson with the skillet was meant to signal she was merely playing possum all along.
Page 68: Adam and Shauna have spent the whole evening swimming in the lake. When they returned to the house, they lounged in the living room. Shauna entering the kitchen is the first time anyone has set foot in the room since Paige and Bryan were killed early in the evening. Shauna recoiling in shock upon opening the fridge was meant to tease an "Ew!" moment, relieved when Shauna grabs the pie instead of a severed head or something. If the sequence after that is too long, I'll go back and rewrite it.
Page 73: Oops!
Once again, Dreamscale, thank you so much for your valuable feedback. I'll try to take your advice to heart when I work on my future projects.
I think you should start a new post and ask a few questions. I read through a bunch of back posts under Screenwriting Class. One had to do with introing animals. The consensus, and Shelton said to use all caps when introing an animal. Animlas don't speak (usually), so I'm of the mindset that when introing people, whether or not they speak, they should be capped. It would be interesting to hear what others have to say.
You mentioned that these "extras" are like scenery, but I'd disagree, as someone in the production would be reponsible for making sure that all these extras were there and ready for the scene. By capping them, it is making them stand out, and making it easier to know exactly what will be needed and when and where.
I think it's a matter of choice when it comes to a prop or whatever. Sometimes, an important item can be missed, so capping it makes it stand out. It also draws attention to it. I guess you're probably right about the car thing, but George Wilson and I had a conversation the other day about this kind of thing. He had a script in which he intro'd a "deuce and a half", and he didn't even cap the D or H. Based on this, I didn't realize it was actually a vehicle, so I had no clue what was going on. I told him this and he said that he probably should have used all caps to make it stand out. I was mearly saying he should have capped the D and H. So, I guess it's up to you. When you use an actual car make or model, it gets capped, and everyone knows what it is. When you simply use "sedan", it could get overlooked. No biggie, but I would like to hear more on this, if you feel like delving deeper.
So, what do you think about the 55 uses of the 2 names on that 1 page? Were you amazed? Do you see how it doesn't read well because of that? Just curious.
Hopefully, I can get some definitive answers. Also, could you give your take on the "mystery man" argument I discussed in my last post? Thanks for your time.
My comments on the "mystery man" thing were based on how many times you used that phrase...all very near to each other. It just doesn't sound good when you read the exact same phrase over and over.
I completely understand what you were going for, but on the other hand, you have to realize that when all of a sudden, the author starts using a term like this, as apposed to a character's name (like you were doing over and over), it's pretty clear what's about to come. Know what I mean?
My latest draft of Midnight Lake is now online. This new draft features subtle but important changes which hopefully improve both the story aspect and the nuts and bolts of the script while only adding one-and-a-half pages to the screenplay.
In terms of the story, there are three main changes to go along with some minor tweaks of the dialogue. First, I've cut down the news anchor's report and moved the key lines of exposition to a new scene with Nolan and Kingsley. This new scene also serves as a break between Xerina and Deena's arrival at the lake and Nelson and Thomas's first appearance. Second, I've also added a brief scene with Nolan and Sutton which serves as a divide between Paige and Bryan's deaths and Gordon and Kim's demises. Third, the scene where Kingsley finds the abandoned car has been split in two. The first half replaces two minor scenes where Shauna moves from the guesthouse to the lakeside house while the second half remains in place.
In terms of the screenplay's structure, I've made two major changes. First, I went through and capitalized the first appearance of every person in the story. I was going to use all caps to emphasize certain objects and sounds but ultimately decided against it once I found myself capitalizing something every sentence or two. Second, I went though the action prose and did my best to remove as many redundant character references as possible. Hopefully, this change will make the screenplay as a whole easier to read.
I must say I did enjoy this quite a bit. It does have its problems but that's only my opinion. I've read it all a day earlier than planned so it is a quick read. Your action descriptions helped this a lot, I love reading scripts with action descriptions that get straight to the point.
You set up a load of characters, and it worked for the most part. A couple of points I had to stop and think "How's that again?" but they each had their own personality. Stereotypes? Maybe, but for me it worked for this kind of movie. On page 30, I was struggling big time them all, but in the end, I was okay with it. You really are taking a 50/50 chance on what people think with this many characters. Sure, a slasher needs a high body count, but the killing doesn't start until page 60 of an 88 page screenplay. I'll say again, it worked for me but I think you risk losing some readers early on with the constant character introductions nearly every page.
The main reason I could keep up with the overflow of characters was the dialogue. I thought you did an excellent job on that front. There were some brilliant exchanges between them and some real funny one liners ("The only special needs I'm looking out for are yours"). At first I thought Thomas sounded like a robot but then realized it actually suited his character very well. You really did do a fantastic job on the dialogue. Well done!
I know some people are all for movies with slow starts but I think this one starts way too slow. You could imagine a trailer for this, filled with the guy in the ski mask swinging the ice pick everywhere, looks like a great slasher flick. Imagine going to the cinema, then waiting an hour between the first scene kills and the ones at the house. I touched on character introductions slowing the start down, part of me thinks it would be much better if you treated the audience to one kill, just one kill, inbetween the several character introductions. It would break them up a bit and remind everyone that it's a slasher, not a teen comedy, which it feels like for the first 50 odd pages. Create suspense by showing the killer watching them in the woods, not just showing an orange glow flying past. That could have been a tiger for all we know. Show us the killer, make us know he's there, put us on edge. Also, I found it unrealistic the police would come out TWICE after being called because one of the girls saw something in the woods.
So, the killing starts and it is very Friday the 13th. No real stand out kills (except maybe the killers at the end). Parts got quite repetitive when they would fight on the floor for the ice pick, one would pick it up, it would drop to the floor again, they would fight over it again until the next person picked it up. I was wishing someone would just grab something nearby in the house and use that as a weapon to mix things up a bit. There must be sharp objects in there somewhere. I also though a chase scene should have took place when the killer never had a limp, maybe with Deena, so he could actually run, make things a bit more exciting. Right now, it is just "ice pick into left shoulder", next victim "ice pick into right shoulder" etc. It would have been nice to have the killer find a new murder weapon, even if just for one kill.
I was expecting more from the ending. Since you kept the killer behind a ski mask the whole script, I was looking out for a twist. About halfway through, I thought Thomas would be connected to the killer, with the phone call about his father making him leave. I was thinking he just told them he was rushed to hospital but really just found out he escaped from jail and went after him. I was half expecting Thomas to show up just as the killer was about to axe Deena but it wasn't to be. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't let down or anything like that, the ending worked as it is.
Deena was my favorite character. I didn't buy her friendship with Thomas, it came across a bit sudden. They had one full conversation and you said in the action line "The friends walk back over to their bikes" or something like that. Thomas came across as annoying when thanking Deena every two minutes for everything she's done. I really wish his death was shown on screen. Nelson was great comic relief for me. The things he says, I laugh at lines like that in work all the time. The randy couple brought a few laughs too. Xerina was also strong. I couldn't get past the fact there was a character called Inverness at the start. That's the name of a town in the Scottish Highlands. I look out for their football result every week. Everytime I read the name, I imagined ther manager Terry Butcher screaming at his players on the touchline when they got relegated last week. It was a small distraction for me but it never lasted long as he was soon killed. I wouldn't change his name or anything like that as I don't think anyone else would find a problem with it.
I think I've covered everything. Overall, it's a damn good effort. I enjoyed reading this a lot, especially the dialogue, some of which is quite memorable. Although I'm not crazy about some of the kills, I do realize you were going the simple Friday the 13th route and pulled it off. I hope you find some of the above helpful. Good job!
Hello, Brian, and thanks for taking a look at my screenplay. I'll respond to your comments and try to explain what I was attempting to do with this draft.
I'll be the first to admit the script won't be everyone's cup of tea. As I've mentioned in earlier posts, I was intentionally trying to circumvent the tropes which bothered me about slashers -- especially those from the Friday the 13th series. The lack of a throwaway murder earlier in the script and Williamson's death being the most graphic are two of the results from this approach.
Not showing Williamson clearly until he attacks Bryan was a response to the "Killer's P.O.V." shots which plague many slashers. Those shots only serve to reinforce the common trope of having the audience cheer on the killer as he slaughters the one-note ciphers. My goal was to have the audience keep their allegiance with the group at the lake while using the shed break-ins, the noises in the woods, and the orange blur to signal Williamson's presence and build a sense of foreboding.
Considering Williamson catches most of his victims by surprise, I thought I did a realistic job of giving those who do confront him weapons. Xerina uses the skillet, Adam uses Wiliamson's own ice axe, and Shauna uses a baseball bat, a glass bottle, and finally a much larger axe to kill him.
The reason Deena was reaching out to Thomas was, as mentioned at the rest stop, she used to be an outsider to the others. She knows what it's like to be the new person in the group and wants to help him feel at ease with the others. Still, I think I can clarify this with some tweaks to the dialogue. I'll also see if I can make Thomas less annoying.
Once again, Brian, thanks for taking a look at my script and for your useful feedback.
First off, let me start with the positives. Your descriptions are excellent, I wouldn't really suggest changing anything. HOWEVER, I would suggest adding a few description lines in between lines of dialogue for reaction shots, etc. Sometimes you have these long back-and-forths and I have no idea how the people are reacting outside of what they say (and for me that's not enough).
Second, your dialogue is well-written, however it needs to be more diverse. Outside of Nelson and Xerina, I think everyone basically talks exactly the same: very proper and in complete sentences. It made for a very confusing read when they'd all start talking together.
As for the story itself, I'm sad to say that I think it needs some work. For a horror film, there's not particularly a whole lot of horror or tension for the first 60 pages or so. I mean, yeah, we know that the killers lurking out there somewhere, but that's just not enough. I kept thinking "Where the heck is the killer?!" You spend almost the entire first 60 pages introducing us to the characters with plenty of dialogue and exposition. And then, finally around page 60 the killing begins, and even that didn't sit well with me. You spent all of this time building up all these characters and side plots (relationships, etc) and then in the blink of an eye it's gone. This may have worked for some, but for me it was just too cold. It almost felt like two completely different movies spliced together. Imagine watching a character driven film with no horror in it, and then all of a sudden a killer walks in and starts killing everyone in the most brutal ways possible. To a degree I understand what you were going for, but it simply didn't work for me. Sorry.
Other notes:
p.4 - "Would you prefer someone take the law into his own hands?" - I feel like "his" should be "their"
p.6 - "prattling press pimp police popping psychos" - Sorry, this line just doesn't work for me.
p.8- Do we really need to know the speed limit? I know they get pulled over, but it's very unnecessary. It reads like you just wanted to put something there.
p.16 - I don't really get the water sports line.
p.23 - "He's going to be on something of hers all weekend." - awkward line
p.39 - "storey" should be "story"
p.41 - The description isn't real apparent that the piss hit Nelson
p.49 - At this point, I don't really buy Kingsley not caring about the "orange blur". Any officer worth their salt would be concerned with a murderer on the loose, and Kinglsey hasn't been established as a bad officer, just a prick
p.72 - I don't buy that there's no blood anywhere when Deena is looking around. I mean, those deaths were GRUESOME
p.81 - He stops because she yells "Stop!"? That seems weird.
Perhaps the script just wasn't for me, but like I said before, I just want to see more "horror" in the beginning pages. To me, it was a bad idea to not show the killer until he makes his first kill. It just comes completely out of nowhere.
Hopefully some of my ramblings have been helpful. I can always clarify.
Hello, Dressel, and thank you for reading my screenplay. I'll go through your page-by-page points first and then comment on your overall view of the script.
Page 4: Honestly, I don't really see anything wrong with this line.
Page 6: This line is supposed to be awkward and unwieldy, as evidenced by Adam's smart-alecky reply.
Page 8: I listed the speed limit because highways in Oregon have a 65 mph limit. Gordon is them shown to be a liar when he tries to claim the sign read 65 not 55. Plus, I liked the visual of the minivan speeding past the sign.
Page 16: The water sports line is an allusion to a certain sex act.
Page 23: This line was supposed to be awkward as well but, if it's that big a distraction, I can rework it.
Page 39: Sorry, I've seen it spelt both ways. I'll go back and change it.
Page 41: I can go back and add a line to make the scene clearer.
Page 49: I thought I had made it clear Kingsley doesn't perceive Williamson as being a threat ("He's in Washington.") until he discovers the food cans and denim in the ravine. Still, I'll think about this scene.
Page 72: I'll admit it's a stretch but I had hoped to imply Williamson was alone in each home long enough to clean up the blood. This is why Shauna is able to find a blood streak in the kitchen after seeing Williamson drag Bryan and Paige into the woods: He hasn't returned to clean up the scene yet.
Page 81: I was hoping to get across how Williamson initially stopped out of surprise and then decided to chase after Shauna content that Adam was incapacitated.
The reason for the long stretches of dialogue without action lines was because I only wanted to include actions I felt were important. After all, it would be up to the actors and the director to ultimately determine how to play a scene and I didn't want to micromanage via the screenplay.
Once I realized my first draft was too wordy, I made an effort to cut down as much dialogue as I could. One of the consequences is that it made it harder to create colorful passages. Having characters speak in colorful prose filled with slang or typical verbal ticks (such as so, like, and y'know) is hard to do when you need them to get to the point quickly. Still, I'll see if I can do a better job of creating distinct voices.
I don't blame you for criticizing the pacing and structure of the story and I would be the first to agree the screenplay has unconventional pacing. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to remedy this without going against the goals I have for the story. I'll likely have to set this script aside, at least for the foreseeable future, and work on my other screenplays until I can come up with a new spin.
Once again, Dressel, thanks for taking the time to read my script and I appreciate reading your feedback.
My latest draft of Midnight Lake is now online. For those interested, I am willing to exchange scripts (preferably, but not necessarily, a script in the action or horror genres). The script exchange link is:
The first half of the script was reorganized, with some new scenes added in an attempt to add some more tension and better get across the dynamic I was aiming for.
The major changes include Deena experiencing a close encounter when she goes cycling through the woods, two local men making an unfortunate discovery, and a better explanation as to why the vacationers are targeted.
The dialogue was polished throughout, with the biggest change coming to Nelson's character and his manner of speaking. I also trimmed the dialogue slightly to make up for the added scenes, leaving the total amount roughly on par with the previous version.
I just read the script and actually really enjoyed the read. You have a lot of characters, which can be a problem in these slasher films, but they are all really distinct and well drawn. I normally cringe when I see sex crazed teens in a cabin in the woods, cause normally the dialogue and interaction is atrocious, but these are actually very well done. Nelson is especially funny.
The writing is very clear and the structure is all where it should be.
My only beef is that there isn't a lot of suspense, which is the true signature of these kinds of flicks. You whack through about five people very fast before that really cool killing scene with the tough girl. That has tons of suspense and her fight with the killer keeps you on your toes.
Another thing that I would suggest is to maybe change up the method of killing. It works fine here, but usually these flicks go for killing in new an novel ways. You certainly don't have to, but you might want to consider having him knock a few people off with something other than the ice pick.
Good job here. It's a pretty straight forward story with no twists or turns, but its effective. Again, I'd love to see a bit more suspense and build up once the hacking gets rolling.
Hello, fusilierb, and thanks for reading my script. I'll respond to your feedback below.
As I've mentioned earlier in this thread, I was aiming for a slow build-up which lead to a series of stealthy attacks rather than a series of individual set-pieces. It's possible the murders could play out better if they were more evenly spaced, but that would go against the main goals I've set out for myself when it comes to this specific screenplay.
As for the method of killing, I chose to have Williamson use the ice axe as it gave him a unique weapon which was very versatile (thanks to the pick, adze, and spike) while also allowing for a juxtaposition during the final confrontation when he finds himself up against someone with a larger axe.
Thanks again for reading my script, fusilierb, and I'll try to get to your Rougarou screenplay tomorrow.
Hey Abel, I haven’t read all the previous posts so sorry if I ask questions you’ve already answered. I do ramble on while I read and point out questions which you may well answer later in the story. I tend not to point out spelling and grammar mistakes unless it’s important, I tend to comment more on the story.
Also I’ve noticed that in my recent reviews it always comes across as though I hated the story as seem to pick up on negatives and rarely write about the positives, I’ll try to compliment when relevant. I’m telling you this so don’t feel too disheartened if you only read negative comments, I always sum up at the end and give my final opinion. Right I’ll get reading...
Used needles are disposed in special containers these days I think.
I do like how the Doctor responds to Mitchell’s question about what happened to the nurse with a ‘don’t worry he’s under control’ and not any concern for the nurse’s health lol.
The opening scenes in the penitentiary are pretty good, it sets a good atmosphere, and the dialogue reads well. Good start.
I don’t think it’s necessary to state that deer is female.
The cruiser leads the van from the penitentiary but when the deer steps in the road it reads like the van is in front? This could be a problem as the cruiser would probably always lead the convoy and the gap between would be small, perhaps too small for the deer to dart out between them?
I’d refrain from including character quirks in their descriptions. You include that Deputy Kingsley is quick tempered but we should find that out and not be told.
‘Water sports’, kinky lol.
Ok so you’ve introduced your characters, and there are a lot of them. I’m already struggling to remember who’s who. I understand that you want to give your characters their own identities but they do seem to be a real mixed bunch. By this I mean, to keep them different you seem to have ended up with a lot of characters that I don’t think gel. They don’t seem to have much in common and all friends at least share some character familiarities. Thomas and Nelson arrive together but seem poles apart.
I know Xerina’s jape about ‘good times’ when a colleague in Afghanistan was shot in the face but this is a bit of a touchy subject I think.
I got to say I’m not a fan of the ‘you know this’ll be the last time we’re all together’ speech. I do like Thomas’ ‘I never know what to do with my hands’ speech though, this is very realistic and he is probably the best character so far.
40 minutes before the first real bit of slasher action and it’s over in a minute. Good kills though.
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When Deena thinks she sees something in the woods outside the guesthouse, why does she, and even Thomas, not think it could be Blake and/or Pierce? They just saw them roaming around in the woods, I’d have thought one of them would have at least brought up the possibility. It seems strange that they never told Xerina about their encounter.
I got to ask, what are s’mores?
The police seem a bit slow on the pickup here. Surely the police were informed of the escaped man from the penitentiary, it was on the radio wasn’t it? What with the break in too, they still don’t have any concerns that it could be their man? Nolan hints that he might know something the others don’t, why would he not indulge the info?
When you describe the country roads you describe the car clipping the pavement. In England, country roads seldom have pavements, they road merely dissolves into the grass verge. Is this different in America then? I ask simply because in my head when I think of roads with pavements, I imagine a main road and not a quiet country road.
66 minutes before you introduce the antagonist is too long. Why not introduce him at the start? You don’t go into any specific description about his character, anything that can’t be disclosed at the start that would spoil the suspense.
Nolan tells Kingsley to do one more sweep of the lake but he replies that he’s been up the once already. He said earlier that he had been there twice already and that the group should stop wasting his time. I have real problems with the police’s ineptitude, like I mentioned earlier, with the break-ins and things being seen in the woods would they have some concerns about Williamson before now? They don’t even mention the prospect of his whereabouts until 68 minutes.
Are Gordon and Kim sex addicts? They seem to be constantly horny and can’t wait to jump into bed together, he’s definitely got some stamina!
The first five killings happen without any interaction with Williamson, which isn’t a bad thing as you have five remaining but I found Thomas’ character to be one of the better ones and he went first.
Why does Williamson not kill Adam? He show’s little emotion and remorse in his killing spree yet obeys her command to stop, and gives chase.
Shauna emerges as your protagonist but only very late in the story. I had presumed Adam and Shauna to be the contenders at the start but then more notable characters emerged, namely Thomas, Nelson and Xerina.
Williamson chases after Shauna without any ill-effects from his injured leg? Then begins to limp when he’s being chased?
In all the time it took Shauna and Williamson to race to the guesthouse and back to the lakeside, Adam made no attempt to move. I know he has an injured back but in the circumstances would he not try to help his girlfriend?
Adam’s last line ‘everything will turn out alright’ reads strange. I know he’s in shock and it gets the right response from Deena but I just thought, who would say that after 7 of their friends had been murdered?
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Well I only noticed a couple of mistakes but I didn’t jot them down, sorry. On a whole I had no complaints with your writing, it was solid and for the most part your dialogue was good. I did noticed a few occasions when maybe you should have separated some action as it started with one characters and then finished with another’s without a break. This can make it confusing at times. I’ll give you an example of a bit that confused me at first; ‘Her body falls limp and the life disappears from her eyes. He breathes heavily, struggles just to sit up.....’.
Williamson escapes the crash and the clutches of two guards, after having being restrained by numerous guards at the penitentiary, which would suggest he is a large strong man but he later struggles to fight with Xerina and Shauna.
With so many characters it’s hard to feel for them because we don’t enough about them. The slow build up allows you to introduce them and give us some background but it makes the opening act too long. I’d suggest maybe losing a few which would give you more time to add to your better characters. At the moment with each character is fighting for screen time and as a result their character arcs happen too quickly. Thomas starts off a quiet recluse but about two scenes later he’s flirting with Deena and then speaking out against the police. This is similar for Nelson too who becomes sensitive and opens up about his feelings within a few scenes of being obscene in every comment. The problem I had was these changes might have taken 20 minutes of film time but only a few on-screen character time. With fewer characters, you can tell us why your characters start with fake personalities and keep their true identities hidden. I hope this makes sense lol?
OK so it now sounds like I hated this, which I did warn you about at the start lol, but in fact it wasn’t too bad. There was some suspense and the killings were pretty good. Your writing is very good and I definitely had no complaints about that but I still feel that by losing a few characters you could make this much better. Also you need to trim the first act down, and quite a bit too. At the moment it’s about 60 minutes which means you only have 30 minutes to kill off 7 characters. By losing characters you might shorten the script but it then gives you space to beef your remaining characters. A little more info about Williamson might help too, I wondered why he was in the penitentiary in the first place and why he giggles like a child?
I gather you’ve made some significant improvements over your first draft, I just checked a few comments and see this isn’t a first draft, so I don’t doubt you can tweak it a little more to get the most from it. This is a pretty good slasher but I think you can still improve it.
I hope my comments aren’t too bad Abel, I didn’t hate it, even though my review probably sounds like I did lol. Good work mate.
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Hello, alffy, and thanks for reading my script. I'll go through your response below.
Thanks for your compliments about the opening sequence, and I'm glad you noticed the less-than-compassionate response from the doctor. The line about the doctor tossing the needle in a wastebasket was just a throwaway line. If it's that much of a problem, I can tweak it to refer to a proper medical waste container.
When it comes to the accident, I was trying to get across how the deer appeared between the cruiser and the corrections van. I'll see if I can clarify this. I decided to state the animal was female so the audience would not assume the deer which shows up later was the same as the one seen here.
I have to admit I'm befuddled as to why people seem to think ten people at the lake are too many, especially since many slasher-type films have more than ten victims in the story. Is this because, unlike most films, I've tried to build ten well-rounded characters instead of leaving them as nothing but empty ciphers?
As for the mix of personalities, not all friends share the same interests or personalities. The basic personalities behind Nelson and Thomas, for example, are based heavily on the relationship I have with my extroverted brother. If we can get along, I'd like to think they could as well. Furthermore, you should remember not all of them are friends with each other. Nelson and Thomas, for example, only know Adam and Shauna when they arrive.
The reason the police at first don't believe Williamson is in the area is because, as Kingsley mentions at the beginning, the state police themselves are convinced he is in Washington. Nolan suspects the incidents at the lake may involve Williamson but, with everyone else in authority convinced the killer is heading north and with a small staff at his disposal, he is not sure what to do. I'll see if I can better get this information across.
The term county (not country) road refers to the main road which leads from the highway into the county proper. Generally, these are important roads (especially in an area with w wintry climate like Oregon) and as such are paved. A s'more is a roasted marshmallow and a slab of chocolate sandwiched between two graham crackers. Very tasty. When Kingsley says they've been up there twice, he was referring to Nolan's trip about the "bear" and his trip in response to the "orange blur."
Deena didn't think of Blake or Pierce during the woodpile sequence because the shaking of the trees implied something much larger, like a bear. I'll see if I can clarify this. The reason Deena and Thomas didn't mention their run-in with Blake and Pierce was because they didn't want to get in trouble with the police. The hunters are locals, after all, and their threat to report Thomas for assault and battery would carry some weight with two vacationers from the city.
The reason I didn't formally introduce Williamson until he appears in front of Paige was because I wanted to imply he was obscured or not fully seen until this moment. This is why he was referred to as "the prisoner" in the prologue and "the man" in the woods.
The reason Williamson has trouble with Xerina is because she is quite big and strong as well as a former soldier, not to mention she starts their fight by striking him across the head with a cast-iron skillet. The injuries Williamson sustains in this brawl are also the reason he has trouble with the quick and athletic Shauna.
The reason Williamson stops when Shauna screams at him is because, with Adam injured and defenseless, he is no longer a threat to flee while she still is. I'll see if I can clarify this. You may have missed this, but Williamson does in fact favor his leg when he chases after Shauna. Back injuries can flare up and render someone immobile for a long time which is why Adam does not move until Shauna and Williamson return.
I'm actually pleased to find you thought Nelson, Deena, and/or Xerina could be the ones to face off against Williamson at the end. I'm also happy to learn you were upset when Thomas didn't survive, as this was the reaction I was hoping an audience would have during most of the kills. Adam's last line was supposed to be an empty response, which is why the look on his face shows he agrees with Deena's reply.
Thanks again for reading my script, alffy, and I appreciate your comments.
First, let me just say great job for completing a feature long script I know it can be a daunting task. Congrats. I put my summary of what I think at the top and notes at the bottom.
I think that there are too many characters and along with that the kills happen too fast, which enables the story to produce any onscreen terror. Characters are spotting a body, blood or something turning around and in one blow killed, except the last attempt on Shauna’s life, but before those death blows there’s no terror, no cat-and-mouse, no suspense. Well, that’s what I felt anyway. I actually liked some of you characters and suggest combining some if need to be. If you want to rack up body counts till he or we, the audience, get to our main characters and the terror before they die, fine. But, do it with other camper or hunters as Williamson makes his way to the main characters.
Some notes I took as I read.
Midnight Lake
1 – 10p
Escort the prisoner for evaluation. Mitchell believes in due process and wants to escort the prisoner, while his opposition in this scene Elliott believes sometime you have to take the law into your own hands and wants to execute the prisoner as soon as possible.
Adam and Shauna debate about who controls the radio. I think Adam should acknowledge Shauna’s use of alliteration with a gesture like stare and raise of the eyebrow. And, her use of alliteration could become part of her dialogue, which would leave her with a distinct voice.
No one seems to be after anything in the scene between Adam and Nolan so hopefully it holds some purpose like Adam having to call Nolan for help. Maybe an opportunity to establish Nolan has a son, an old friend of Adams’. Maybe that sports car’s accident wasn’t that at all, but do to the serial killer, and maybe Nolan is trying to keep that under wraps to prevent too much of panic. Another deputy could approach and mention something that hints at this possibility. Creates suspense and subtext.
10 – 30p
Gordon wants to hurry up and get there and speeds to do so, while Kim and the others argue his breaking speed the limit. OK, we have more than two characters. Good.
Gordon is snippy with the officer and it fits perfectly a character that would have been speeding. Out of all them.
Kingsley and Nolan debate which direction Williamson is headed. What makes it work is one is saying yes, yes, yes, while the other is saying no, no, no. I see you came back to Nolan so he’ll be playing a bigger role, I was worried that that little chat with Adam was for not but I see you were just introducing him. Sometimes writers introduce characters in a scene where nothing is going on and then they rarely if ever go back to that character, and that’s what I was worried about.
30 – 40p
No one has emerged as the main character. There’s not story before the “hook” (before the killer starts killing) story. There’s no problem. In the movie strangers it was the couple dealing the girlfriend rejecting the marriage proposal, but then the killing starts. In your story there seems be a lot of talk about college and what to do after but it doesn’t to draw any conflict between any of the characters.
Anticipation has mounted with the vandalism of the shed. Our killer may have entered the area.
I like Thomas and Deena dynamic. In the start it appeared Adam and Shauna could emerge as main characters, but Thomas and Deena because you’ll wonder this blossoming relationship will survive after people start dying off.
40 – 60p
The opponent pushed to far in the background
BLB
Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
Hello, Busy Little Bee, and thank you for taking a look at my screenplay. I won't go over the points you've raised as I've addressed them earlier in the thread, but I do want you to know all comments are welcome and I do appreciate reading your perspective.
I am considering a minor rewrite in the next month or two which would feature some tweaks to the style of my action prose, but any major changes would require a more involved rewrite sometime next year.
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). Furthermore, I have what I feel are solid ideas for five more scripts, including a police procedural as well as a chase film.
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