Creatures from Hell by Eddie Fresco - Horror - On a road trip through the United States, two friends encounter not only a strange police officer but also creatures from hell. 93 pages - pdf, format

-Descriptions should never exceed four lines of text.  If you must, break up the text into paragraphs of no more than four lines. That said, your descriptions on the first page are pretty good.
  
-Don't tell us "it's really scary; it's creepy; it's eerie."  This gets annoying as hell by page five.

-Descriptions should only reflect what we see or hear on the screen.  No commentary.  Don't editorialize.  And don't tell us "we'll hear it again in this movie."  Just tell the story, and we'll figure that out.

-Page 6: Rachel is obviously making small talk with Harvey; this doesn't need any description.

-Spelling.  You use "where" instead of "were."  "Were" instead of "we're."  "Then" instead of "when."  Always give your script a thorough spell check.  I'm guilty of this same thing.  When I finish one, I'm so excited to be done with it, that I never stop to read it.

-Pages 21-22: Problems with the logic.  Annie clearly knows the motel is closed, but doesn't question why the guys are staying there.  She never asks them to explain themselves.  This mysterious stranger in an abandoned motel (which, you've established numerous times, is scary as hell) suggests she stay there overnight and drive out with him in the morning, and she doesn't hesitate for a second.  That's a little sloppy.

-You keep using the word "quite" when you mean to use "quiet."

-Page 45: I'm roughly at the halfway point of the story, and I should have a good idea of what is going on and what needs to be done.  But I don't.  What was the deal with Officer Johnson?  Or Harvey?  Who is the bigger threat, Johnson or the Creatures?  Because, right now, Johnson has gotten a lot more attention than the creatures.  Frodo has to destroy The Ring.  Luke has to blow up the Death Star.  Marty has to make it back to 1985.  But I don't know what Kyle & Toby need to do in order to solve their problem.

-Page 47: We should already know who Rachel is and how she fits into the story by now.  How *does* she fit into the story?

Page 54: Good.  Rachel in the cemetary.  Suspenseful, visually stimulating, and has the possibility for some terrible things to happen.  Put this scene a lot earlier, and have more moments like this.  This is a "rising action" scene - which is good, but by Page 54, you should be into the "action" phase.

-Redundancy.  Don't put "f-word" in the description if the next word out of your character's mouth is "fuck."  And you don't need to swear in your description.  Do it once in a while for effect, fine.  It's like salt.  Too much is a bad thing.

-It would be nice to see a more unified fight against the Creatures.  And these fights should happen sooner.  There's so much evasion, that the only time they really stop and fight these things is for half a page, five pages before it ends.  There should be several confrontations, each worse than the last.


To summarize:

Priority 1 - Descriptions.  
They need to be shorter.  Only describe action we see or hear.  You aren't writing a novel.  Half of them need to go.

Priority 2 - Spelling.

Priority 3 - Structure.
Get to it.  Tell me the story, and do it in a way that makes sense.  Act One/Two/Three.  Use the first 10 pages to introduce the characters and set the tone.  Give me something in those pages that will pull me the hell into the story.  Use the second 10 pages to explain things that need explaining, allude to your characters' back stories.  Then around page 25/30, send things spiraling into Act Two.  By now, we know for sure who the bad guy is.  Present a problem and have your characters try several possible solutions.  Have a few successes, and a few failures.  Just as they are about to fix things, the shit gets deeper, and they are fired into Act Three.  Shift the power from one character to another.  Who will win?  Who has the answer?  Make it look like the bad guy has an unplayed Ace.  Remember the end of "Aliens"?  Ripley transports the little girl safely back to the base, only to turn around and see that the Alien Queen has followed them by attaching herself to the ship.  !!!!.  This is an Act Three fight!

For what it's worth, I think the story had the most meat when these characters were at the motel.  If you can chop off a few odds and ends, and re-focus the story to take place at this abandoned motel, where a pretty girl, a mysterious trucker, a violent cop and two kids all converge, then I'd be pretty interested to see what you came up with.  Paint it in our heads that the situation is dire.  These people have no place else to go.  They'd rather not be in this creepy, moldy motel, but the fog is so thick they can't see the road in front of them.  They have no choice.  And amid all the clashing personalities of these hungry, tired people - there are these fucking creatures lurking about.  The photographer or photojournalist is documenting this town of ill repute, and sees some of these creatures at the cemetary.  Now she knows what they're up against.  Add it up and it's seventeen shades of miserable.  If well executed, that could be a hell of a place to spend Act Two.