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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Rose Haven Moderators: bert
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  Author    Rose Haven  (currently 4134 views)
Michael Myers
Posted: February 6th, 2009, 11:52pm Report to Moderator
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RedDragonProductions

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Quoted from dogglebe


When was the last time you bought a piece of penny candy?


Phil



Penny candy is $.25? I thought it was $.01.
At least the last time I bought a piece.
I suppose with the economy falling they upped the price.  


http://www.youtube.com/reddragonproductions

COMPLETE: "Rose Haven"
WRITING: Modern Western
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dogglebe
Posted: February 7th, 2009, 1:51am Report to Moderator
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Maybe I'm dating myself, but I remember penny candy being something special.  I go to the store and I see an individually wrapped circus peanut (my favorite penny candy) going for ten or fifteen cents each.  Whatever ever happened to the penny jawbreakers that were the size of a golf ball?  Does anyone remember when the prize in a box of Cracker Jacks was an actual toy?  And not a riddle card?


Phil
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Michael Myers
Posted: February 9th, 2009, 6:29am Report to Moderator
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Don has informed me that draft two is posted. It's in the same link as the last one was in. He said it was the same file type.
To read draft two, click on the link below:
http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/RoseHavennFirstDraftn.pdf


http://www.youtube.com/reddragonproductions

COMPLETE: "Rose Haven"
WRITING: Modern Western
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Brian M
Posted: February 9th, 2009, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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I've read 24 pages and I think there are a lot of problems that need fixing, dialogue being the major issue. Some of it is very "on the nose", for example...

ZOEY - Hey, it’s getting dark out, let’s leave and come back tomorrow.

In this instance, you need your characters to try the door so the knob falls off and traps them in the house. Zoey saying this does not work as they are only just in the house. There are more ways you could do get them to try the door instead of forced dialogue like that. It was a retirement home that burned down so have one of your characters say "This place smells like over cooked old people" or something like that, make them want to go out for a breath of fresh air. Then they try the handle and the knob falls off, they're trapped. Ok, maybe that's not the best example but you get what I mean there are other ways to do that.

Zoey -I kind of figured when you ran up behind me. That obviously means you walked out of his class.

Read that aloud. Ran up behind me, walked out of the class? I'm lost. "I kind of figured" would be enough.

Another example would be Dr Ames saying "little dude" on page three. Not a thing a doctor would say to a patient.

ADAM - Hardy har. You put that in the paper you’ll wake up dead.

I don't know if that was meant to be as silly as it sounds.

You get the point about the dialogue. It needs major reworking.

Next, the characters. I've already forgotten most of the names and I only stopped reading five minutes ago. There are too many. In one scene, you introduce 8 characters in the one room along with the two we already know. That's 10 characters in the one room! There is no way you can give them all a personality and make us care about them before they fall to their inevitable death.

Cut some of the less important ones, you don't need a large body count to make a great horror. Give each of them a personality. One of them mentions House on Haunted Hill at one point, give him a personality, make him the movie geek who makes movie references at every opportunity like Tony in NCIS. Make all your characters different.

The teacher is very cruel. The things he says are unrealistic. No teacher in the country would get away with the things he says in that classroom. Zoey is the only pupil who answers back. Zoey and Adam are the only two who leave the class. I don't know about you but if my teacher said I could have a week off to do that, the class would be empty within seconds. You introduce 8 characters in the next scene, have some of them in the class, make them voice their opinion instead of Zoey taking all the stick. Make them walk out the class together.  

While I'm still on characters, you have a voice on the outside of the room in the opening scene, you simply call him voice. The Man in Black comes out of nowhere. Is Man in Black the voice? I was confused there. If not, there was no introduction for the Man in Black, I don't know where he came from. If they are the same person, why does the voice tell him to read from the book and then the Man in Black says "God have mercy, for what these people have unleashed", almost like he didn't want it to happen.

I also see you have your beginning credits on page 15. That would be about 10-15 minutes into your movie. A bit far in if you ask me. You mention Rose Haven burned down, open the movie with a flashback when the place is burning down, show the people trapped in the burning building, then begin your credits and move into the scene with the teacher.

Have you started shooting this yet? If not, please hold off. Fix the mistakes, change some scenes about, work on the dialogue. It doesn't matter if the budget is 350.00, 35.00 or 3.50, don't start until you think you have the script in the best possible shape you can get. I'm only new to screenwriting myself, loads more people will be better qualified to review this than me but it's just my opinion so far. I'm not being harsh, just trying to give you some pointers to help.



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Michael Myers
Posted: February 9th, 2009, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you. I just realized that. "You ran out which means you walked." ha. I actually did just catch that and laughed.
Good point on a reason for them wanting to leave. The dialogue is very choppy now that you mention it.
Dr. Ames (in the movie) is played by a 40 year old man which you can see who he is at
http://www.youtube.com/nalts
the patient is played by a seventeen year old. So calling him "little dude" makes sense in my mind. I probably should give an age range for the two in the beginning.
The voice is a voice in the mans head. The man in black is the man the patient was running from when he mentions that he was running from somebody.
If you have checked out our little skits on our youtube channel, we have that sort of dumb comedy such as "You'll wake up dead." Even though this movie isn't 100% a comedy, we'd like people to know that this film is made by the same people who make the youtube skits and then let them realize this movie is something different than what we have done, but kind of throwing our style of comedy into the mix of horror.
There are actually only 9 characters, not 10. The only reason I have so many people in the script is because a lot of my friends enjoyed our last movie "Mob Rules" and asked me if they could be in our next movie. So that is the only reason why there are so many characters. There were originally five characters that go into the house, but I added another four due to a promise I made with some buddies. So I just wanted to let you know that I didn't add 9 characters for a high body count. Originally all I planned to have were Zoey, Adam, Josh, Ben, & Kelli. And I was planning on making Kelli and Adam becoming the possessed ones and Ben dies. Once we added ghe other four I could add some other possessions and creature effects. So I actually see the adding of characters as a good thing in the end because I originally was going to make this like a Stanley Kubrick's The Shining kind of horror movie, but once the other four characters were added, I thought "The hell with it." and decided to make this a fun, cheesy, Evil Dead type of horror/comedy instead.
I wanted the people to hate this teacher. I wanted for you to not care for the teacher at all, and in a way it's his fault this situation started. The actor playing the teacher feels that way about religion in real life, so I type casted him for the role. For the class room scene I  want it to feel like Zoey and the Teacher are the only people there. Sure, there'll be other students there, but I want it to seem kind of like those old detective movies, where only the main characters are talking and everybody else doesn't really know they're there. So it's sort of like a dream, spiraling into the series of events leading to the house.
I kind of like the idea of adding credits 20 minutes into the movie. Kind of a homage to The Departed, where you don't see any credits for the first 20 minutes. I really like the idea of that and I think I will do that in all of our movies, make the credits 20-30 minutes into the film. I really like that, it is uncommon and it just seems like a good idea to me for some reason. The beginning credits begin not after the 3 minute flashback scene, but 20 minutes in, right before the horror and adventure begins.

Thank you for pointing out the dialogue errors though. I'll go through and read through it and re-type it for the third draft. We begin filming March 1st and we stop filming May 30th and hopefully should have the film up the first week of June. We begin filming MArch first no matter what draft the script is in. We can add changes to the script while filming.
Thank you for your feedback. Thank you for not being too hard on me.
-Ben


http://www.youtube.com/reddragonproductions

COMPLETE: "Rose Haven"
WRITING: Modern Western
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Brian M
Posted: February 10th, 2009, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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I understand where you are coming from. I think I'll watch some of your other stuff on youtube when I get the time.

I will hold off on reading the rest of the script and watch the finished product when you release it. Hope everything goes well during filming.
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Michael Myers
Posted: February 10th, 2009, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the support. =)
You understand where I'm coming from on what part?


http://www.youtube.com/reddragonproductions

COMPLETE: "Rose Haven"
WRITING: Modern Western
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Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: March 31st, 2009, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah good luck with filming. No matter what happens you'll get something out of it. My first production attempt was a sloppy mess that ultimately fell through. However, I learned alot about no budget film making from it.  
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