Rose Haven by Benjamin Pearce, Josh Boyer & Gregory J. Daniel - Horror - After a teenage girl gets into a controversial argument about religion and science with her science teacher, a group of kids plan to go to a local, abandoned, retirement home known as Rose Haven. Rumor has it that it is haunted. All they need is the slightest bit of proof to prove science wrong. So the group of kids spend the night and record their surroundings. Once one of the kids go missing, they spin into the seventh circle of hell. When all possible exits vanish, the group of students are trapped in a hellhole of demons, ghosts, and monsters in the abandoned, inescapable retirement home. It's either uncover the history of the retirement home and find a way to defeat the demons, or become part of the legend itself. 59 pages - pdf, format

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Currently being filmed:

Written and Directed By Benjamin Matthew Pearce
Starring Mackenzie Scalese, Josh Boyer, Ben Pearce, Gregory J. Daniel, and more!
Rated R for graphic violence, Gore, disturbing images, and sexual content
Genre
Horror/thriller

Watch the Trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWiKTtMwrlw

I'm sorry but I couldn't make it through this one and had to stop on page seven.  
I usually take notes while reading a script if something sticks out to me in a good or bad way so I don't forgot it while reviewing it. I filled a page in the first seven pages and none of it was positive but I'll post what I wrote though just in case it'll help you in the future.

This first thing I realized was that the first slugline says its a classroom during the day but there is no further description, it goes straight in to dialogue. You go on to say "juniors and seniors" but I'm still not sure if this is a college class or a high school class.

The teachers lecture seems odd especially not to have any background to why he is lecturing about spirits and such.

Zooey's argument was poorly executed, the dialog was just not believable this line:
"You take a guess. A theory isn’t the truth. That’s why they call it a theory. Just because it’s a theory, that doesn’t make it not true."  
She is just talking in circles which doesn't make for interesting dialog.  

I don't know what city this school is in but I'm pretty sure a public school teacher would not be able to get away with dissing God, calling a student stupid, and then calling people "Jesus Freaks".

The scene where Adam and Zooey make there plans is clunky sounding. It was really "On the nose".

I realized you don't capitalized your "I"'s.  

You don't used enough descriptions, its mostly just long passages of dialogue, there is no written reaction.

I stopped at this part:

BEN
Eh, yeah. Religion and science
together is like mayo as icing for
your birthday cake.

ZOEY
Yeah, that happened to me once.

JOSH
You had mayo as icing for a cake?

ZOEY
Yeah! I guess mayo wasn’t in the
mayo container, and dad thought it
was the icing and spread it all
over the cake. My little brother
had an allergic reaction and died.

BEN
Well, that sucks.


I had no idea if she was joking or not. There is no description to how they react, Zooey giving a little smile or smirk would tell that she was joking. I wish you all the luck keep up the writing you can only get better.

-Tanner

Well what I wanted to do was drop the reader and audience right into some random story. To show these are normal people and you don't really need to get to know any of them to judge whether or not you like them.
After I finished the script and had it posted on here, I re-read it. I did realize that the dialogue was a bit choppy.
The scene about the mayo is a joke with Zoey. I wanted it to be one of those jokes that you don't know if she is being serious or not. So that is up to you.
Let me remind you this is a Horror/comedy so there will be stuff like that in the script. That is what Josh and I find funny, so we write our type of humor into the script.
I should fix the part about the juniors and seniors because you are right about that. This is a high school class and it is a suburban school.
If you really want me to explain why he is talking about religion in his lecture, i can think of something, unless you have any suggestions.

Ben and Josh,

I see the only way of this working, is if you set the world the characters inhabit as a world where science teachers are evil, and science itself has become the sadistic dominant force ruling the land.  Teachers and non believers are just not like that in real life.

Also the dialogue needs tightening up, it's got no soul, for the want of a better word.  I know you're only teenagers, (having been to your home page), but you need to make each piece of dialogue realistic.  Good dialogue, no matter how basic, allows the reader and the listener to concentrate more on the story.  Keeps the flow if you will.

Other than that, just add more description, and best of luck with your new film.

Cheers

Lee

P.S.  To introduce why the teacher is talking about ghouls ghosts and goblins, you could have the class being taught the history of Halloween or Folk Lore perhaps.  Then it could turn into a relgion versus science debate.  Ergo, the rest of your story.

  

Well actually the person I have cast for the teacher is like that very much. He isn't a science teacher, but he is a non-believer and if you watch his videos on religion at  http://www.youtube.com/onision you would know why I chose to cast him as the teacher.
I am going through and fixing up dialog, taking stuff out, putting stuff in.
Like I said in my above post, I did go through and read the script once I have posted it up on here and was thinking to myself "That doesn't sound right." So I know what you mean by "no soul" and I am in the process of fixing that.
Thanks for your help.
And also thanks on helping me introduce the first scene. I am going to do what you said.

What is your budget, and where is your funding coming from?

'm pitching in money and my parents are throwing in some money. Along with my grandparents and co-writer Josh Boyer's mom.
We're editing this one with Pinnacle Studio 12.1 which is a step up from our previous editing programs (Windows Movie Maker, Cyberlink Power Director)
We finally have the whole Chroma Keyer (Greenscreen) so for the monster attacks I'm thinking of combining shots so the monster is actually in the frame with the actor instead of cutting back and fourth.

Sweet!  So...what's the budgie look like?

I"m thinking it's around $350, maybe a little more..
This isn't a major motion picture and this is the first movie we have ever used a budget on.
Mob Rules did not have a budget, we just used props around the house.
Shadowman had like a $10 budget with the mask, gloves, and Axe.
True Love did not have a budget.
The Last Action movie wasn't even intended to be a film. haha.

$350,000?????

Am I hearing you correctly, or am I missing something here?

No...350 dollars, 700 Taco Bell tacos, 1400 of something that costs a Quarter

1400 pieces of penny candy?


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe 1400 pieces of penny candy?

That's $14, Math Man

Nope, Just $350.
Three hundred and fifty dollars and zero cents.

Quoted from Shelton That's $14, Math Man

When was the last time you bought a piece of penny candy?


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe When was the last time you bought a piece of penny candy? Phil

Penny candy is $.25? I thought it was $.01.
At least the last time I bought a piece.
I suppose with the economy falling they upped the price.  

Maybe I'm dating myself, but I remember penny candy being something special.  I go to the store and I see an individually wrapped circus peanut (my favorite penny candy) going for ten or fifteen cents each.  Whatever ever happened to the penny jawbreakers that were the size of a golf ball?  Does anyone remember when the prize in a box of Cracker Jacks was an actual toy?  And not a riddle card?


Phil

Don has informed me that draft two is posted. It's in the same link as the last one was in. He said it was the same file type.
To read draft two, click on the link below:
http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/RoseHavennFirstDraftn.pdf

I've read 24 pages and I think there are a lot of problems that need fixing, dialogue being the major issue. Some of it is very "on the nose", for example...

ZOEY - Hey, it’s getting dark out, let’s leave and come back tomorrow.

In this instance, you need your characters to try the door so the knob falls off and traps them in the house. Zoey saying this does not work as they are only just in the house. There are more ways you could do get them to try the door instead of forced dialogue like that. It was a retirement home that burned down so have one of your characters say "This place smells like over cooked old people" or something like that, make them want to go out for a breath of fresh air. Then they try the handle and the knob falls off, they're trapped. Ok, maybe that's not the best example but you get what I mean there are other ways to do that.

Zoey -I kind of figured when you ran up behind me. That obviously means you walked out of his class.

Read that aloud. Ran up behind me, walked out of the class? I'm lost. "I kind of figured" would be enough.

Another example would be Dr Ames saying "little dude" on page three. Not a thing a doctor would say to a patient.

ADAM - Hardy har. You put that in the paper you’ll wake up dead.

I don't know if that was meant to be as silly as it sounds.

You get the point about the dialogue. It needs major reworking.

Next, the characters. I've already forgotten most of the names and I only stopped reading five minutes ago. There are too many. In one scene, you introduce 8 characters in the one room along with the two we already know. That's 10 characters in the one room! There is no way you can give them all a personality and make us care about them before they fall to their inevitable death.

Cut some of the less important ones, you don't need a large body count to make a great horror. Give each of them a personality. One of them mentions House on Haunted Hill at one point, give him a personality, make him the movie geek who makes movie references at every opportunity like Tony in NCIS. Make all your characters different.

The teacher is very cruel. The things he says are unrealistic. No teacher in the country would get away with the things he says in that classroom. Zoey is the only pupil who answers back. Zoey and Adam are the only two who leave the class. I don't know about you but if my teacher said I could have a week off to do that, the class would be empty within seconds. You introduce 8 characters in the next scene, have some of them in the class, make them voice their opinion instead of Zoey taking all the stick. Make them walk out the class together.  

While I'm still on characters, you have a voice on the outside of the room in the opening scene, you simply call him voice. The Man in Black comes out of nowhere. Is Man in Black the voice? I was confused there. If not, there was no introduction for the Man in Black, I don't know where he came from. If they are the same person, why does the voice tell him to read from the book and then the Man in Black says "God have mercy, for what these people have unleashed", almost like he didn't want it to happen.

I also see you have your beginning credits on page 15. That would be about 10-15 minutes into your movie. A bit far in if you ask me. You mention Rose Haven burned down, open the movie with a flashback when the place is burning down, show the people trapped in the burning building, then begin your credits and move into the scene with the teacher.

Have you started shooting this yet? If not, please hold off. Fix the mistakes, change some scenes about, work on the dialogue. It doesn't matter if the budget is 350.00, 35.00 or 3.50, don't start until you think you have the script in the best possible shape you can get. I'm only new to screenwriting myself, loads more people will be better qualified to review this than me but it's just my opinion so far. I'm not being harsh, just trying to give you some pointers to help.

Thank you. I just realized that. "You ran out which means you walked." ha. I actually did just catch that and laughed.
Good point on a reason for them wanting to leave. The dialogue is very choppy now that you mention it.
Dr. Ames (in the movie) is played by a 40 year old man which you can see who he is at
http://www.youtube.com/nalts
the patient is played by a seventeen year old. So calling him "little dude" makes sense in my mind. I probably should give an age range for the two in the beginning.
The voice is a voice in the mans head. The man in black is the man the patient was running from when he mentions that he was running from somebody.
If you have checked out our little skits on our youtube channel, we have that sort of dumb comedy such as "You'll wake up dead." Even though this movie isn't 100% a comedy, we'd like people to know that this film is made by the same people who make the youtube skits and then let them realize this movie is something different than what we have done, but kind of throwing our style of comedy into the mix of horror.
There are actually only 9 characters, not 10. The only reason I have so many people in the script is because a lot of my friends enjoyed our last movie "Mob Rules" and asked me if they could be in our next movie. So that is the only reason why there are so many characters. There were originally five characters that go into the house, but I added another four due to a promise I made with some buddies. So I just wanted to let you know that I didn't add 9 characters for a high body count. Originally all I planned to have were Zoey, Adam, Josh, Ben, & Kelli. And I was planning on making Kelli and Adam becoming the possessed ones and Ben dies. Once we added ghe other four I could add some other possessions and creature effects. So I actually see the adding of characters as a good thing in the end because I originally was going to make this like a Stanley Kubrick's The Shining kind of horror movie, but once the other four characters were added, I thought "The hell with it." and decided to make this a fun, cheesy, Evil Dead type of horror/comedy instead.
I wanted the people to hate this teacher. I wanted for you to not care for the teacher at all, and in a way it's his fault this situation started. The actor playing the teacher feels that way about religion in real life, so I type casted him for the role. For the class room scene I  want it to feel like Zoey and the Teacher are the only people there. Sure, there'll be other students there, but I want it to seem kind of like those old detective movies, where only the main characters are talking and everybody else doesn't really know they're there. So it's sort of like a dream, spiraling into the series of events leading to the house.
I kind of like the idea of adding credits 20 minutes into the movie. Kind of a homage to The Departed, where you don't see any credits for the first 20 minutes. I really like the idea of that and I think I will do that in all of our movies, make the credits 20-30 minutes into the film. I really like that, it is uncommon and it just seems like a good idea to me for some reason. The beginning credits begin not after the 3 minute flashback scene, but 20 minutes in, right before the horror and adventure begins.

Thank you for pointing out the dialogue errors though. I'll go through and read through it and re-type it for the third draft. We begin filming March 1st and we stop filming May 30th and hopefully should have the film up the first week of June. We begin filming MArch first no matter what draft the script is in. We can add changes to the script while filming.
Thank you for your feedback. Thank you for not being too hard on me.
-Ben

I understand where you are coming from. I think I'll watch some of your other stuff on youtube when I get the time.

I will hold off on reading the rest of the script and watch the finished product when you release it. Hope everything goes well during filming.

Thank you for the support. =)
You understand where I'm coming from on what part?

Yeah good luck with filming. No matter what happens you'll get something out of it. My first production attempt was a sloppy mess that ultimately fell through. However, I learned alot about no budget film making from it.