Yeh, don't worry. I always expect the worst.

Quoted Text Oh, and the scene I was referring to was the one where they meet for the first time.  Him bringing the camera to the door felt weird.  I thought it would be more realistic if he set it down and you just viewed the scene stationary.  The fact that he's holding the camera while they talk just seems weird.

That would seem like a good shot, but this guy, Eric, is beginning to take this camera everywhere. He's grown close to it, it's the only "person" he can talk to because everyone else is dead. He hears fast and loud beating on the door, so he wants to know what's behind it and makes sure the camera sees, too. It's also a good way for you to get a good look at Alexis, too.

But that's a good point. It's just that the way I saw it, I think it'd look pretty good (if this atrocity were ever filmed), especially at the end where he's just standing there and the camera slowly sinks to his side.

Thanks,
Sean

Hey Sean, started reading this, not entirely sure why (since I'm not big on zombie films...they've been done to death in my opinion. Or is that un-death? Ha ha.). Perhaps it was the short page count. And not only did I start, but I finished! Which is a good sign. Yes, the zombie rape is disturbing. Yes, there's more than a whiff of misogyny about Eric. But let's put that to one side. Worse things have been shown onscreen. And besides, since Eric gets his comeuppance at the end that makes it okay...right? I don't know. But overall I didn't feel too outraged about the events - probably the whole thing was too far removed from reality to really shock me.
I have three points to make, about your central character, the flow of the plot and the trouble with the shaky-cam idea.

1. ERIC
I do have a couple of points about Eric. Why is he 36? That might sound odd, but what's to be gained by making him that age? It makes the whole virgin thing far less likely. Having him 26, even, would make that easier to buy. Why does he need to be a virgin, anyway? It’s a vaguely comedic element that feels completely alien to this script. Having him as a serial abuser, perhaps a convicted rapist, would be both more original and more fitting, in my opinion. Also, I agree with another reviewer that generally at the moment he's really lacking in details. What does he do? Does he/did he have a job? As I think it was mcornetto pointed out, if your film is basically just this guy on his own for long sections, you'll need him to be pretty darn interesting for it to work.

2. PLOT
My opinion of the plot seems to be the exact opposite of mcornetto’s. Things actually started out pretty well. The purely expositional news reports at the beginning made for perhaps a slightly slow kick-off, but I actually liked the static-ness of things. Viewing the end of civilization from the comfort of your own home is, to me, refreshing after the endless procession of end-of-the-world movies where people are constantly moving around and getting into harm’s way for often very flimsy reasons. The scene outside with the looters also worked very well. Zombies aren’t the monsters – we are. That I liked. Alex’s arrival was well-timed, since I agree with mcornetto that by this point the script was really crying out for another character to break up Eric’s monologues. Her entrance came as a pleasant surprise, and I was interested to see how you were going to handle her. There was a real sense of tension about how Eric would react to her. I was really enjoying this quite a lot at this point.

But then, just when you were doing well, things came close to falling apart. The relationship between Eric and Alex, which you could have done so much with, turned sour and simply about sex far too quickly. Rather than develop a real, well-rounded female character she just became the focus of Eric’s obsession and desires. She was dispatched far too hastily in a forgettable manner and then things just slumped into a rut. Rob said things moved onto another level – yes, they did, a level both far more disturbing, but also at the same time disappointing, limiting and ultimately boring. I don’t know why you decided to just resort to a story about a serial rapist whose victims happen to be zombies, but you did. A little bit of zombie rape I could deal with. It’s sick, but I don’t remember seeing it before. But that’s it, it’s all that happens. Once it starts, he never stops. Things got very monotonous and very dull very quickly, and from then on I was waiting for it, and the script as a whole, to be over. I admittedly didn’t see Eric’s capturing of Donna coming. Unfortunately, by that point I didn’t care.

And then, finally, it did end. Poorly. I know that at the moment the ‘in’ thing with horror films, and particularly shaky-cam films, is to have no-one, or at least virtually no-one, survive the ending (Cloverfield, Quarantine, The Mist, Dawn of the Dead, Final Destination 3, Texas Chainsaw: The Beginning, The Descent, Blair Witch did the same too).  The ‘final girl’ has been replaced by ‘the final no-one’. So I was expecting Eric to get his karmic payback, particularly given the title of the script. But the whole thing felt far too convenient, essentially a blatant, shameless deus ex machina that meant it ended disappointingly having pretty much lost its way around the mid-point. The looters happen to turn up. The zombies, who haven’t broken in till now, happen to storm the house (I know the two are linked, but still...). Eric ends up just being unlucky that they chose to break in at this specific moment, which I think is a bit of a let-off for him, really. If they’d broken into the house nearby much earlier in the script, why did it take them so long to break in? No no no. You need to look at that again.

So yeah, basically this was interesting right up until the point where you lost your way. As Matt said, anything interesting and different you were doing ended up being lost in a sea of zombie rape. Its initial potential was squandered. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s true. The second half really lets the first half down.

3. SHAKY-CAM
The trouble with 'shaky-cam' films (and yes, I do think their brief time of prominence is probably already over) is that in their attempts to help us to suspend disbelief they actually give us reasons NOT to buy what's going on. I mean, why don't people just put the camera down and run?! The answer to that is, of course, that if they did, there would be no movie. Unfortunately, that's not a good enough answer. You have to

a) come up with a convincing reason why the character is filming in the first place, and define the footage’s relationship with its intended audience
b) try to create situations where it's not TOO ridiculous for them to keep filming

In Blair Witch, they're off trying to make a documentary about the Blair Witch. In Cloverfield, Hud is given the camera to film messages at Rob's birthday party. In Quarantine and REC, they're TV crews making a real-life-drama show. All these films give the camera an at least slightly convincing reason to be there. Yours, unfortunately, doesn't have that. Why exactly has Eric got the camera? Who is footage intended for? Does he have a reason to shoot it? All of the four examples I mentioned have a definite reason for filming in the first place, and for continuing to film once things get going. I just never bought into Eric’s reason for filming, and that’s a big problem. The awareness of the audience thing is tricky, too. Does Eric really believe anyone will see this? Civilization is in chaos, if it hasn’t ended entirely. I doubt YouTube is up and running. If it’s for other people, he should shut up and film. If it’s for himself, why is he so concerned about how WE feel?

Now the other problem. I think some – in fact a lot – of the situations where Eric is filming don’t come across as real. Talking to the camera I can sort of buy into. I get what you said in a previous post that it’s the only person he can talk to, etc. But sometimes, particularly when Alex arrives, the believability dips. Would he really bring the camera with him when he goes to molest Alex? It makes his chances of success much slimmer. Filming her in the mirror I get, that’s fine. Holding a camera, which takes up one hand, while you feel her up with the other? No. You need to generally look through and ask yourself constantly, “Would someone really do this?” It’s a tricky balance.

The bits of Mark and Donna’s original tape being cut into the main footage feels like you’ve lifted it straight from Cloverfield. I really liked mcornetto’s idea of the scene where Alex fiddles with the camera appear far earlier in the script, well before her actual entrance. See if you can work out what he’s saying there. It’s a good idea, one I think you should include.

Okay, I’ll try and finish now. Basically, this technique of writing is really hard to get right. You need to be able to show us everything, but have a REASON for showing us everything. Things can’t be included just because they’re cool at the expense of believability. I listened to the really funny video review of Quarantine someone posted on the boards, and the reviewer mentioned a part where someone tries to bash an attacking zombie’s head in with the lens of the camera. While this may look good, ultimately it’s ridiculous, it undermines the suspension of disbelief, and so shouldn’t have been in there. It’s impossible to have it both ways, simultaneously feigning realism and doing things that are completely unnatural. You’ve taken on quite a challenge by writing a shaky-cam script. I think you need to work on it some more.

Hope some of that helped!

Jon

Sean,

Overall, I liked this.  I read it all in one sitting.  I found the length of the script a little odd.  I think a feature length script should be a minimum of 90 pages.  If you were looking to try to market and sell this script as a feature, you should expand it.  If you're looking to keep it a short, I believe you could actually shave off ten pages at least.

I liked how you weren't afraid to turn Eric into the bad guy.  I think he's weird, a little pathetic when the script begins, but he's still someone everyone can identify with in that he's racked with self-doubt and regrets.  The 36 year old virgin thing is too much to believe, though.

A couple ideas:  the scene where he's looking out his window and sees the lady across the street savaged by zombies.  I think it would be more effective if Eric was friends with the lady.  Maybe make her an old lady who's a shut-in.  As the scene is now, we don't really feel anything(and neither does Eric) when the lady dies.

Perhaps if you played a small piece of video at the very beginning.  A block party or something where you introduce some of the neighbors.  The old lady, Donna and Mark.  And then cut right into the story with the video of the newscast.

As I said, I think Eric was weird, but not evil at the beginning.  The circumstances changed him.  Loneliness got to him.  And ultimately, his horniness got the better of him and wound up being his downfall.

I do think that final scene needs work.  AS soon as I read that Eric left the front door unlocked, I pretty much guessed the ending.  I really like the visual of the swarming flies when the thugs open that door.  They should have mentioned something about the smell as well.  I think it would have worked better if you turned that basement into a scene of all-out carnage.   When the thugs open the door and the flies swarm out, maybe Eric grabs the opportunity, snatches a gun from one of them and kills them all.  Then the additional zombies break in and Eric is trapped and they dismember and chew him up on camera.  I don't know...something like that.

But as I said, overall I liked it.

Jon,

Thanks for reading. I'm glad you...Kind of liked it...? Not too sure, but still, thank you for reading.

1. Eric

I'm getting the idea that he's a little too old and still a virgin to be believable, so I'll bring down his age to a more believable state. I'll also try and make him more interesting and have more stuff happen at the beginning to keep the reader interested.

2. Plot

Yes, Alex's character is thrown away after a short while, but Eric has a lot of emotion built up inside, and it's all mixed up and he can't really control himself, so he has major impulses. He's never gotten laid, and this is the first time he's had a woman in his house who isn't Donna. He doesn't really know what to do with her, and soon figures that maybe this is his chance to finally get closer to women, except he does it completely wrong as you can see. Things go awry, and the next thing you see is Alex screaming at him because she wants to survive, while he wants to have sex because he's alone and doesn't know what to do with himself. He's like a child in a man's body, so when he's yelled at by Alex, he ultimately hates her because he doesn't want/like to be yelled at. He has the epiphany that the zombies are easy to control and you can do anything with/to them, and figures out the idea about killing Alex. It's a long shot, but you have to keep the story moving. I've experimented with a lot of talking and slow story to get the characters well-rounded, and it went downhill.

3. Shaky-cam

When you mentioned this (and I'm glad you did) it really made me think about my script because I hadn't actually really noticed the point you made. So now that you've mentioned it, I've been thinking of some reasons for why he has a camera, so I'll definitely work on that.

The part where he films himself feeling Alex up could work if you did it right. I mean, it's not that hard to hold a camera. You have two hands, one holds the camera, the other does the other work. He wasn't planning on doing anything more than just feeling her up.

Quoted Text I really liked mcornetto’s idea of the scene where Alex fiddles with the camera appear far earlier in the script

That would be good, but I don't think it would make sense. Considering she comes in during mid-script, and she appears near the beginning, wouldn't make much sense. If there was a cut where she's fiddling with the camera, then she would have to do it at the beginning of the tape. And if she then comes to the house for the first time towards the middle, and then fiddles with the camera again, the time line wouldn't match up.

Yeah, that's what every shaky-cam movie is going to have: some parts are just going to go to the point where you're asking the character, "Why are you going there, you stupid!" Especially in Diary of the Dead. There were so many of those parts. But it doesn't have to be 100% believable. Audiences these days like to see what's going on (because our generation doesn't have as much imagination than before, so they can't fill in the blanks that much), and they want to see gore and scary images and stuff.

Thanks for the comments and I'll be working on this some more.

Sean

Cam,

Yeah, I had to ask some people whether or not I should post this in the shorts or the feature length section. [REC] was 75 minutes long and was still considered a feature length movie. But, in reality, the length should be good, since video tapes are usually from 60 - 80 minutes in length, I think.

If Eric were friends with the woman across the street, I feel he wouldn't be so unsympathetic for her. I mean, yeah, he just watches her die and he can't do anything about it, but that's just it: he just watches her. He doesn't show any sympathy for her, and he kind of mocks her troubles with the whole window blinds part, and then at the end when she's killed, he just passes her off as another person who just dies. I had it that way to show that he doesn't really care about anyone else in his neighborhood, and he's more like a hermit than your social neighbor. But that's a good suggestion, thanks.

I'm thinking of adding something at the beginning so the zombie apocalypse doesn't come off all of a sudden and he just happens to have a video camera and just happens to video tape what's going on right as it's beginning.

Quoted Text As I said, I think Eric was weird, but not evil at the beginning.  The circumstances changed him.  Loneliness got to him.  And ultimately, his horniness got the better of him and wound up being his downfall.

That's pretty much what happens and why he becomes the way he is towards the end of the script.

Your suggestion for the ending is a pretty good idea. I could try something like that, but I'll work with it.

Thanks for reading and the suggestions. Greatly appreciated.

Sean