End of Tape by Sean Elwood (thedeadwalk2nite) - Horror - When civilization crumbles, and the human race is suddenly thrown onto the endangered species list, the fear and dark side of man is brought out to the real world. One video camera catches it all. 74 pages - pdf, format

Thanks for getting this up quickly, Don.

Everyone, this is my first shaky-cam script I've written, so I'm sure a lot of people are like, "Oh great, not another one." But I really do like the idea and I tried doing one myself. I didn't know whether to post this in the short or the feature-length section considering it's 73 pages long, but I figured, since it's a video camera tape, those usually last 60-70 minutes long, which I'm sure makes this script a respectable length. I originally intended it to be about 20-30 pages in length, but I guess I was able to stretch it out longer.


I hope you all enjoy.

Sean

Hey Sean,

A warped little story about a 36 year old virgin necrophiliac who loses his cherry.  Charming.  

I found the beginning very slow and a long read though it got better about halfway through.  You really have to make the guy more interesting.   Tell us more about his life.  I’m not sure I buy the 36 year old virgin bit so the first thing you can tell us is  why is he really a virgin?  What happened with his girlfriend in 8th grade that caused him to shy away from women.   What were his parent like?   What’s his favourite piece of music?  Anything that would give us more of a clue to this guys personality.  He has to sustain half the film so he’s got to be interesting.

I liked the slide into madness and thought you handled it pretty well.  I would have liked a bit more preparing for what he was going to do with Alex – it just seemed to happen too quick.

After the halfway point you did rather well and though it was a twisted story, you seemed rather comfortable once their was gore and that came through in the writing.

About the camera.  You seemed to get a bit mixed up sometimes about timing and showed us where characters rewound to.  If we were watching this, those scenes would just be earlier.  Like the section with Donna should be at the start.  And it would have been good if there was this random Alex part somewhere out of sequence when she tried to play with the camera.  Then Eric could start a scene, much later, about how she was playing with it and he fixed it.  I’m not sure if that makes complete sense but I wanted to try and explain it.

You did a good job with it.  If you can make the front of it like the back then it will be excellent.

Cheers,

Michael

Here’s my notes.
******************************************************************
The beginning news report is a bit clunky could be better.

Not sure where I've seen the line about the camera purchased to see how he performs in bed but it comes across cliche.

Hey wait a minute..if we were watching this tape sequentially we wouldn’t see where he rewinds to.  We would see this at the beginning.  

This read is going pretty slow at this point.

Some of the tenses don't seem correct in Eric's speech.  If it were a gas station seems wrong, even though it would be correct written.  If it was a gas station seems better for speech. This isn't the only example I've noticed.

HOLY MOTHER OF FUCKING GOD! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! made me laugh.  I would work on screen but on the page, it's funny.

BOOM!!!!
There’s suddenly a huge blast of bright white, yellow, and
orange light. The BOOM is deafening and the entire house
shakes.

Is a bit clunky.  You should lose all but one of the ! and get rid of suddenly.  Rewrite and tell me what the camera is seeing and hearing.

And as if things couldn’t get any more eerie, (is sloppy you should be describing the camera's experience).

The monologues are getting a bit on the nose.  I wish I could think of a suggestion as to how to improve them but I don't have one atm.  Maybe you need to get another character involved.

I know it's your trademark but I can tell already I would have liked this better if it weren't about zombies.

Whoever’s going to be watching
this...You’re probably going to be
pissed off for what I’m about to
do.

Nope, sorry, this took me right out of the film and at a tense moment too.  I know what you were saying here but you need to come up with a different way of saying it.  Maybe he can be indecisive and say - to himself - he hates it when people do that in zombie movies but i think he wouldn't be caring what the audience thinks at that moment.

I think you need to establish this guy is a horror fanatic in the beginning.  I don't think you say that about him anywhere and I don't know if that was your intention but I wouldn't find him enjoying the experience as believable unless he was predisposed to those sorts of things.

I like this part with him going a bit bonkers - with the fly (though it will require patience to film).

He's 36 and he hasn't gotten laid yet?

I think he's way too aware of the audience in this.  Why should he say something like

Hold on, I just want to let you
see...

When he is doing something dangerous.  Again, i can understand why you are doing it but it doesn't ring true.

I think rather than just saying he argues with himself we should see it.  We still might but that’s what I think at the moment. No I don’t. Yes I do.

The Alex excuse seems a bit thin.  I’m hoping it’s not for real.

I liked that Alex played with the camera.

Ouch, Dental Cruelty.

Getting a bit twisted now…finally.

Oh! No! Not those guys.  Their entrance is a bit convenient – don’t you think?  

Michael,

Sorry about the slowness. I think that it should be a bit slow because the infection speed would be a bit slow, also. Though, I see what you mean, so I'll take your suggestions into consideration and see what I can come up with. Thanks.

The slide was a bit quick with Alex, but since he's pretty shy with women, and that she just snapped at him, he figured it's better now than later.

I don't quite understand about what you're trying to say with the whole playback/rewind comment. If you're talking about the random scenes with Donna and her husband, remember the first one where Donna's first introduced, before she came in, all that was on the tape was the apartment room, but Eric had taped over it with news reports and whatnot. Then when Alex was messing with the camera--She left and Eric went back to the camera, then there was another random scene with Donna. That was because Eric rewound and played back what Alex had filmed, and he had left a few seconds of the original tape on accident. If you want, you can try and explain more what you were trying to say.

I'm glad you liked it. I'm sure I could make the beginning quicker, but I figured that things would move slow, then quicken up overnight, and that's when things would start to get more interesting.

To your notes:

- The news reports may be clunky, but I feel they may give out as much information as they can because this is something unexplained happening. People falling unconscious at the wheel all over the city, people flooding into the hospitals with bite wounds. All that stuff...if this stuff was happening, they'd want to release as much information as they can to the people so the people know what's going on. You know anything I could clean up, though?

- I've never heard the line about the video camera and how he performs.

- Sorry about the slowness again.

- Yeah, sorry, when I write, I try and use correct grammar, so I forget that these people are actually talking. What are some other examples?

- That's what I would probably say if I saw a gas station explode! Well, I'd probably tone it down just a bit.

- Aw but I just love me some zombies...

- I thought it'd be appropriate if he said that because it shows that he's aware of the camera and feels that someone sooner or later is going to watch whatever he filmed. It goes to show that he knows that whoever will watch it will think the same thing he said (because you always hear people say, "You're so stupid! Don't go out there!"). Which kind of shows that he's sort of making it kind of like a movie. I don't know, I liked it...

- I don't think he's much of a horror fanatic, or a movie fanatic in general. He doesn't get out much, so he probably doesn't see a lot movies, either.

- Neither had Steve Carrell in the 40-Year-Old Virgin. Nah, but remember, he's socially awkward and isn't exactly too sure to react with women.

- As I think about this script, I'm starting to feel that I subconsciously made him feel more connected to the camera because its the only thing he's been talking too and it's his only friend because everyone else is pretty much dead...or undead...So now he's treating the camera kind of like a person, hence telling it "Hold on, I just want you to see" Sorry if I contradicted myself in any way.

- "No I don’t. Yes I do."  Ha ha, very funny.

- "The Alex excuse" Refresh my memory again? Like, her suddenly coming in seems a bit unreal?

- "…finally." I'm sorry! Ha ha

- It is a bit inconvenient. I was going to have one of them say that they saw the lantern light in his bedroom so they decided to storm in, but I felt that that would break the emotions they were already expressing.



So, I'm glad you liked it...I think...I'm not entirely sure. You probably didn't like it because of the zombies. I know, they're old, but not for me. I had fun writing this (and not in a sick, disturbed way). Thank you for your comments (as always), and I will see what I can do.


Sean

Quoted from Zombie Sean Michael, I don't quite understand about what you're trying to say with the whole playback/rewind comment. If you're talking about the random scenes with Donna and her husband, remember the first one where Donna's first introduced, before she came in, all that was on the tape was the apartment room, but Eric had taped over it with news reports and whatnot. Then when Alex ... - The news reports may be clunky, but I feel they may give out as much information as they can because this is something unexplained happening. People falling unconscious at the wheel all over the city, people flooding into the hospitals with bite wounds. All that stuff...if this stuff was happening, they'd want to release as much information as they can to the people so the people know what's going on. You know anything I could clean up, though? - Yeah, sorry, when I write, I try and use correct grammar, so I forget that these people are actually talking. What are some other examples? - Neither had Steve Carrell in the 40-Year-Old Virgin. Nah, but remember, he's socially awkward and isn't exactly too sure to react with women.

When he rewinds and plays the first scene with Donna, that is out of sequence.  Don't worry about what I said about the random one.

I thought the news reports were in the wrong order.  The part about breaking into homes should have been last.  The other two were more important news items.

I don't have any other examples off the top of my head but I'm sure I saw some in there.

The 40 year old Virgin was a farce - this isn't and needs to be more believable.

I'm at school right now so I don't really have a chance to look at the script, but if I can remember correctly, he fast fowards, not rewinds. Because he taped from the very beginning of the tape (which originally consisted of Mark filming around his apartment), then when he stops recording to find a part with Donna, it just so happens to be at the point of Donna's introduction (which seems to be a bit too ironic so I should try and fix that up a bit). But in short, he fast fowards, not rewinds.

I'll look over the news reports again and see if I can clean them up and put them in a better order.

I could have him talk about previous dates he tried years before, and they could end up bad (such as being awkward, making wrong moves, etc.) to the point where he's pretty much given up on dating and hasn't really tried since. (Though, he still hopes to be with Donna because he knows her really well and is in love with her.)

Hope this clears things up more.

Sean

Hey Sean,

Wow! Very disgusting especially towards the end. Reminds me of Ted Bundy with the whole having sex with the zombies thing. That's something I've haven't seen in zombie movies or Eric's teeth pulling to prevent the disease from spreading. In regards to the teeth pulling, I don't think it will matter since the bloods mixing together (zombie and human). Maybe an idea for you to explore in this script. But I do agree with Cornetto in that their needs to be more explanation for Eric. He appeared to act more like a teenager rather than an adult, dialogue wise and his actions. Hope this helps,

Gabe  

Gabe,

Thanks for reading. I'm glad you liked it. For more information about this script, I was going to do a "trilogy-in-one" script where it focuses on three people during a zombie apocalypse--though, these people aren't your usual types, and they're certainly not the kind you see in zombie movies. The three people were going to be (in this order, too): a schizophrenic kid, a dark comedic serial killer, and a necropheliac. But I couldn't really flesh out the story too much, so I decided to stick with the third, keep it short, but ended up making it [almost] feature length. Then I just added in stuff I've never seen in a zombie movie before.

I have sent in a rewrite that kind of explains Eric a bit more (he gives a bit of a background story when talking to Alex on the other side of the door) so hopefully it explains why he's a bit "iffy" when it comes to women.

Thanks, again, for reading.


Sean

Hey Sean,

I see you've let your hidden desires run free

Anyways, overall I liked it. It was good to see a "Zombie flick" where the actual Zombies weren't the bad guys. I haven't seen Diary of the Dead or The Poughkeepsie Tapes, which I imagine inspired you for this script (plus Cloverfield and maybe the British flick called The Zombie Diaries), so there's not really anything new in the originality department when it comes to the delivery. But story wise I think it stood out, and actually made for a much more interesting read than I thought it would be.

I did have a few concerns when Eric turned into Jeffrey Dahmer, I mean, as a protag he was not very likeable, you know? I know that he didn't really see his actions as wrong but the audience will, I think, turn against him. But I think you portrayed him cleverly enough for it to work. I'm referring to the way he starts off, the way you introduce him. His actions from the start quickly told me that he was a borderline sociopath - he's alone, has no real feelings for anyone (other than he's got a six-foot erection for Donna), and the way he almost makes fun of the women with the blinds tells us a lot (and kudos on that scene - that was actually quite funny).

I think you managed to build up a very creepy atmosphere with the arrival of Alex and they way he, well, almost stalked her. The scene in the bedroom was quite disturbing, though you would think she would wake up from all his tickling and tugging at her clothes.

The fact that he loses it completly and kills her could, I think, have been build up a little better. I mean, he goes from horny to Jason from one scene to the next so maybe just one more scene between that could do the trick.

I've read The Zombie Survival Guide, as I'm sure you have, and that's why I don't get why Alex reanimates after Eric kills her. I mean, she hadn't been infected with the "virus" had she? He kills her and she turns - I just don't get that. Unless the virus is in her body, she should stay dead when she dies. Help me out here, Sean, am I missing something?

Then came the rape scenes and things got really really really disturbing - but at the same time, it took the story to, well, not another level, but a different level. And  that's what makes this story stand out.

The only part of the story I didn't like were the looters. I think the story would have worked better without them, especially the end, cos had it been Donna who had killed Eric, then I think it would have come full circle - the proverbial poetic justice. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong per se with the current ending as it goes hand in hand with the other things that happens throughout the script, but...it could have been better imo.

I think the writing could use a little tightening - a matter of taste for sure, but I think that the more high-tension scenes, where Eric is attacked or chased, lacked a little...well, tension.

I'll try to give you a few examples (mind you, that there a many more):

Quoted from page 33 He scrambles to his feet and turns back around to see the two slowly get to their feet, also.

It's the "also" that kills the sentence. In "action" sequences, I usually go for short sentences, even one-worders. It gives off a certain out-of-breath rythm to the scene, which is exactly what you should be gunning for.

Quoted from page 73 The way their bodies move indicate that they feast on him.

Not very scary really. That scene should be over the top gross and bloody and, yes, scary. The Zombies should be tearing at his throat, gnawing at his flesh - and blood should spray them.

That's just my opinion of course.

Overall, I think the dialogue worked. Obviously, some of it could be trimmed or reworked, some could be expanded. Again, it's a matter of taste. I thought the opening news reporter monologues could have been a lot tighter though, they don't really sell it as well as they could have. By the way, shouldn't they be titled "NEWS ANCHORS"? I mean, reporters are in the field, anchors are in the studio. Just a thought.

Not much to say really, other than I'm glad you used the slow-moving Zombies (obviously you had to), and not the rage-Zombies. Also, if you cut out the explosions and the more big-set scenes, I think this could be a relative easy and cheap shoot.

All in all, an entertaining and fast read.

Cheers
Rob

Hey Rob, thanks for reading and glad you liked it.

Diary of the Dead....Eh, see it if you want, it's bitter sweet, nothing too special. The Poughkeepsie Tapes...Apart from the bad acting in the interview scenes, it's the video tapes that make it a very real, very creepy movie. Definitely recommend it if you're going for a creepy movie. I haven't seen the full Zombie Diaries, but I didn't really enjoy it, really. Overall, it was pretty bad.

But yes, some inspiration came from them, but from all the shaky-cam movies out there. I decided to try some thing of my own...Add in something people have never seen in a zombie movie.

Unfortunately, I don't think you read the rewrite (I submitted it, so it's going to be a matter of time). But I kind of intended you to have this sort of uncomfortable feeling when you're introduced to Eric. Just the way he starts out to introduce himself is a bit of an odd thing to say, and it doesn't get any better. (Glad you liked the blinds scene, by the way. I thought it was funny myself )

Yeah, Alex did wake up, but just right after he left the room.

I'll try and work on the build up for the kill scene.

When Alex and Eric are eating dinner at the table, Alex says that it's anybody who dies in any way (unless burned to a crisp or have their head decapitated or crushed), then they'll come back as a zombie. Eric thought that you had to be bitten to turn into one, which then leads into a small and stupid argument about vampires. It's a Kudos to George Romero.

I added in the looters because I felt it would be more realistic. Even with dead people walking around, there'll still be people who are still alive and dangerous and go and steal stuff from houses and find women to rape. Donna killing Eric would be an ironic payoff, but I'm not sure it would be a big one...I thought that the looters would be a bigger one (and yes, as Michael pointed out, their entrance is a bit inconvenient, but I fixed that up a bit in the rewrite).

I get the first sentence that I need to clean up, but the second one...Come on, leave a little for the imagination, eh? Nah, I'll work on that, too

News Anchor, News Reporter...Tom-a-to, Tom-ah-to. (That's hard to write it the way it sounds when spoken...).  I did clean up the news reports, and put them in a more respectable order for Michael, so hopefully it reads better.

Ha ha I was actually going to try and use the running zombies, but that would be too hard to do I just love the running zombies more. It would be pretty sweet, though, I'm not sure how women would react to it (considering no women on SS have read it yet, though one of my friends who's a girl read it, and she said that it targets women [and in a bad way]).

Quoted Text I see you've let your hidden desires run free

Shhhhhhh...Nobody needs to know...




Thanks for reading and the comments! Greatly appreciated.

Sean

Quoted from Zombie Sean Unfortunately, I don't think you read the rewrite (I submitted it, so it's going to be a matter of time).

Okay, give me hollar when the rewrite's up.

Quoted from Zombie Sean When Alex and Eric are eating dinner at the table, Alex says that it's anybody who dies in any way (unless burned to a crisp or have their head decapitated or crushed), then they'll come back as a zombie. Eric thought that you had to be bitten to turn into one, which then leads into a small and stupid argument about vampires. It's a Kudos to George Romero.

Then everyone's fucked, aren't they? In the end, the Zombies will take over everything.

Man, you're changing the rules, dood

Sniper (and everyone else), the rewrite is up. Hope it's better! Thanks Don! Greatly appreciated!


And yes, everyone is very fucked. And those have been the rules since forever!

Sean

**SPOILERS**

Sean,

Ok, that definitely wasn't what I was expecting.  I'm not going to lie, I really didn't like your script.  When I got to the point where Eric starts killing and raping women/zombies, I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to stop right after he raped Alex, but I kept reading because I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt.  

Up until that point, I was thinking "I don't really like Eric all that much."  He's crude, not very sensitive to what's going on around him, and pretty dumb.  But I was OK with that; to a point.  But by the end, I loathed him.  Now, I'm sure it wasn't your point to make us "identify" with him or anything like that, but watching such a vile human with no redeeming qualities for 80 minutes would make me sick.

At first, I thought you were making a point about mankind, trying to say that we're the real monsters, etc, etc. But whatever point you were trying to make is lost in a sea of zombie rape.

I'm sorry my reaction is so strong, but I'm sure you knew something like this would incite such emotions.

Here are the notes I wrote as I went along:

-This plotline seems very similar to "Diary of the Dead"

-You should have some b-roll going during the opening newscast

-I don't get how the tape records the part he rewinds/fast-forwards to.  It doesn't work like that.

-I liked the sequence with the reporter/teleprompter

p.18- Why does he go outside?  It makes no sense.

p.23 "Bye-bye": the first instance I started to dislike Eric

p.26- The dog story: that's when I actually start to dislike him

p.29 - Why would this group of people be concerned with monetary possessions at this point?  If anything, they'd be going after survival supplies.

p.32- Why would he go upstairs?  It makes no sense

p.38- I think it might be better if he set the camera down and the scene with Alexis played out at a distance.

p.41- Do zombies exist in this world; in pop culture?  Because,  if so, vampires wouldn't be his first guess.

----

After that, I didn't really have anything else, as I kind of lost interest in the script.  But I believe in reading things all the way through.  But I gotta tell ya, if this was a movie, I would have turned it off right when he killed and raped Alex.

I don't know who the audience for this movie is, but it's not me.  Because of this, we don't really have to discuss/argue the specifics; I think you understand where I'm coming from.

Once again, sorry for the harsh review, but you've gotta be ready for it with something like this.

Matt,

Sorry you didn't like my script. It's understandable, I knew that there were going to be people who weren't going to like it because of its content. And I didn't find your review too harsh, so don't worry about that

I meant for Eric to be the guy you didn't come to like towards the end, so I'm actually glad that you ended up hating him. Most of the script does tell of humans being monsters when the whole world is going to shit, but I also tried making a sense of lonliness, where you're following the only man left in a city who has the problem (being lonely, has a few issues with what's happened in his life, antisocial, etc), and what he does when he decides to finally do something to try and fix those problems, even at the most extreme cases. The zombie raping is just a little thing added in there because I wanted to bring something new into the zombie genre, even if it's to the point to where you can barely even read what he's doing to these corpses...What I find scary about this kind of stuff is that there are at least a few people who have necrophelia (I had the same feeling about The Strangers...I always say, "The only scary thing about that movie is that stuff like that actually happens"). But I know, if this were filmed, I'm sure that there'd be some controversy swimming around it.

Now, to your short-lived notes ():

- Yes, it is like Diary of the Dead, but not really. Only similarities are the zombies and the video camera.

- I did think about putting b-roll during the news reports, but I don't know if I should put "B-Roll plays overhead", or go into detail about what they're showing shot for shot. I feel as though the second choice might clutter it up a bit.

- Okay, when he tries to find a part with Donna on the tape, he stops recording. That means that he's in play back mode to see if he can find a part with Donna on the tape. So he's already recorded over a few minutes with the news reports and his "introduction," but when he stops recording to find Donna, there's still...60 or so minutes of tape left that still has Mark and Donna's stuff on it. He just happens to stop recording and go into playback mode at a point where Donna is just about to come in. Hope that makes sense.

- He goes outside because he's interested/curious about what he's actually dealing with. This is the first zombie he's coming in contact with. Plus, people are stupid.

- These group of men are looting. They think they're pretty much indestructible and can survive what's going on. They think that stuff will still have value when everyone is dead.

- Which scene with Alexis? The one where he sits at the doorway and explains everything? Or when she catches him video taping her getting out of the shower and she's arguing with him?

- Like in all zombie movies, no, they don't. If people did know about them and how to kill them and whatnot, then the movie would be over so quickly since people will hear the news reports, stand up, and shout, "Zombies!" and go and bash all their heads in until there aren't any left. Or that's what I'd do...



So I'm really sorry that you didn't like it. I expected people to not like it (so I'm a bit surprised that a few did like it). I wanted to bring something new into the zombie genre (because I just love them so much but the same thing happens in each one). But thank you for reading and giving me the thoughts that you had. They're greatly appreciated.

Sean

Sean,

Thanks for taking the review in stride.  Like I said, I didn't want to be revved up while writing the review, but it's pretty extreme content, and that's just what's going to happen with some people.

Oh, and the scene I was referring to was the one where they meet for the first time.  Him bringing the camera to the door felt weird.  I thought it would be more realistic if he set it down and you just viewed the scene stationary.  The fact that he's holding the camera while they talk just seems weird.

Good luck with further drafts.

Yeh, don't worry. I always expect the worst.

Quoted Text Oh, and the scene I was referring to was the one where they meet for the first time.  Him bringing the camera to the door felt weird.  I thought it would be more realistic if he set it down and you just viewed the scene stationary.  The fact that he's holding the camera while they talk just seems weird.

That would seem like a good shot, but this guy, Eric, is beginning to take this camera everywhere. He's grown close to it, it's the only "person" he can talk to because everyone else is dead. He hears fast and loud beating on the door, so he wants to know what's behind it and makes sure the camera sees, too. It's also a good way for you to get a good look at Alexis, too.

But that's a good point. It's just that the way I saw it, I think it'd look pretty good (if this atrocity were ever filmed), especially at the end where he's just standing there and the camera slowly sinks to his side.

Thanks,
Sean

Hey Sean, started reading this, not entirely sure why (since I'm not big on zombie films...they've been done to death in my opinion. Or is that un-death? Ha ha.). Perhaps it was the short page count. And not only did I start, but I finished! Which is a good sign. Yes, the zombie rape is disturbing. Yes, there's more than a whiff of misogyny about Eric. But let's put that to one side. Worse things have been shown onscreen. And besides, since Eric gets his comeuppance at the end that makes it okay...right? I don't know. But overall I didn't feel too outraged about the events - probably the whole thing was too far removed from reality to really shock me.
I have three points to make, about your central character, the flow of the plot and the trouble with the shaky-cam idea.

1. ERIC
I do have a couple of points about Eric. Why is he 36? That might sound odd, but what's to be gained by making him that age? It makes the whole virgin thing far less likely. Having him 26, even, would make that easier to buy. Why does he need to be a virgin, anyway? It’s a vaguely comedic element that feels completely alien to this script. Having him as a serial abuser, perhaps a convicted rapist, would be both more original and more fitting, in my opinion. Also, I agree with another reviewer that generally at the moment he's really lacking in details. What does he do? Does he/did he have a job? As I think it was mcornetto pointed out, if your film is basically just this guy on his own for long sections, you'll need him to be pretty darn interesting for it to work.

2. PLOT
My opinion of the plot seems to be the exact opposite of mcornetto’s. Things actually started out pretty well. The purely expositional news reports at the beginning made for perhaps a slightly slow kick-off, but I actually liked the static-ness of things. Viewing the end of civilization from the comfort of your own home is, to me, refreshing after the endless procession of end-of-the-world movies where people are constantly moving around and getting into harm’s way for often very flimsy reasons. The scene outside with the looters also worked very well. Zombies aren’t the monsters – we are. That I liked. Alex’s arrival was well-timed, since I agree with mcornetto that by this point the script was really crying out for another character to break up Eric’s monologues. Her entrance came as a pleasant surprise, and I was interested to see how you were going to handle her. There was a real sense of tension about how Eric would react to her. I was really enjoying this quite a lot at this point.

But then, just when you were doing well, things came close to falling apart. The relationship between Eric and Alex, which you could have done so much with, turned sour and simply about sex far too quickly. Rather than develop a real, well-rounded female character she just became the focus of Eric’s obsession and desires. She was dispatched far too hastily in a forgettable manner and then things just slumped into a rut. Rob said things moved onto another level – yes, they did, a level both far more disturbing, but also at the same time disappointing, limiting and ultimately boring. I don’t know why you decided to just resort to a story about a serial rapist whose victims happen to be zombies, but you did. A little bit of zombie rape I could deal with. It’s sick, but I don’t remember seeing it before. But that’s it, it’s all that happens. Once it starts, he never stops. Things got very monotonous and very dull very quickly, and from then on I was waiting for it, and the script as a whole, to be over. I admittedly didn’t see Eric’s capturing of Donna coming. Unfortunately, by that point I didn’t care.

And then, finally, it did end. Poorly. I know that at the moment the ‘in’ thing with horror films, and particularly shaky-cam films, is to have no-one, or at least virtually no-one, survive the ending (Cloverfield, Quarantine, The Mist, Dawn of the Dead, Final Destination 3, Texas Chainsaw: The Beginning, The Descent, Blair Witch did the same too).  The ‘final girl’ has been replaced by ‘the final no-one’. So I was expecting Eric to get his karmic payback, particularly given the title of the script. But the whole thing felt far too convenient, essentially a blatant, shameless deus ex machina that meant it ended disappointingly having pretty much lost its way around the mid-point. The looters happen to turn up. The zombies, who haven’t broken in till now, happen to storm the house (I know the two are linked, but still...). Eric ends up just being unlucky that they chose to break in at this specific moment, which I think is a bit of a let-off for him, really. If they’d broken into the house nearby much earlier in the script, why did it take them so long to break in? No no no. You need to look at that again.

So yeah, basically this was interesting right up until the point where you lost your way. As Matt said, anything interesting and different you were doing ended up being lost in a sea of zombie rape. Its initial potential was squandered. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s true. The second half really lets the first half down.

3. SHAKY-CAM
The trouble with 'shaky-cam' films (and yes, I do think their brief time of prominence is probably already over) is that in their attempts to help us to suspend disbelief they actually give us reasons NOT to buy what's going on. I mean, why don't people just put the camera down and run?! The answer to that is, of course, that if they did, there would be no movie. Unfortunately, that's not a good enough answer. You have to

a) come up with a convincing reason why the character is filming in the first place, and define the footage’s relationship with its intended audience
b) try to create situations where it's not TOO ridiculous for them to keep filming

In Blair Witch, they're off trying to make a documentary about the Blair Witch. In Cloverfield, Hud is given the camera to film messages at Rob's birthday party. In Quarantine and REC, they're TV crews making a real-life-drama show. All these films give the camera an at least slightly convincing reason to be there. Yours, unfortunately, doesn't have that. Why exactly has Eric got the camera? Who is footage intended for? Does he have a reason to shoot it? All of the four examples I mentioned have a definite reason for filming in the first place, and for continuing to film once things get going. I just never bought into Eric’s reason for filming, and that’s a big problem. The awareness of the audience thing is tricky, too. Does Eric really believe anyone will see this? Civilization is in chaos, if it hasn’t ended entirely. I doubt YouTube is up and running. If it’s for other people, he should shut up and film. If it’s for himself, why is he so concerned about how WE feel?

Now the other problem. I think some – in fact a lot – of the situations where Eric is filming don’t come across as real. Talking to the camera I can sort of buy into. I get what you said in a previous post that it’s the only person he can talk to, etc. But sometimes, particularly when Alex arrives, the believability dips. Would he really bring the camera with him when he goes to molest Alex? It makes his chances of success much slimmer. Filming her in the mirror I get, that’s fine. Holding a camera, which takes up one hand, while you feel her up with the other? No. You need to generally look through and ask yourself constantly, “Would someone really do this?” It’s a tricky balance.

The bits of Mark and Donna’s original tape being cut into the main footage feels like you’ve lifted it straight from Cloverfield. I really liked mcornetto’s idea of the scene where Alex fiddles with the camera appear far earlier in the script, well before her actual entrance. See if you can work out what he’s saying there. It’s a good idea, one I think you should include.

Okay, I’ll try and finish now. Basically, this technique of writing is really hard to get right. You need to be able to show us everything, but have a REASON for showing us everything. Things can’t be included just because they’re cool at the expense of believability. I listened to the really funny video review of Quarantine someone posted on the boards, and the reviewer mentioned a part where someone tries to bash an attacking zombie’s head in with the lens of the camera. While this may look good, ultimately it’s ridiculous, it undermines the suspension of disbelief, and so shouldn’t have been in there. It’s impossible to have it both ways, simultaneously feigning realism and doing things that are completely unnatural. You’ve taken on quite a challenge by writing a shaky-cam script. I think you need to work on it some more.

Hope some of that helped!

Jon

Sean,

Overall, I liked this.  I read it all in one sitting.  I found the length of the script a little odd.  I think a feature length script should be a minimum of 90 pages.  If you were looking to try to market and sell this script as a feature, you should expand it.  If you're looking to keep it a short, I believe you could actually shave off ten pages at least.

I liked how you weren't afraid to turn Eric into the bad guy.  I think he's weird, a little pathetic when the script begins, but he's still someone everyone can identify with in that he's racked with self-doubt and regrets.  The 36 year old virgin thing is too much to believe, though.

A couple ideas:  the scene where he's looking out his window and sees the lady across the street savaged by zombies.  I think it would be more effective if Eric was friends with the lady.  Maybe make her an old lady who's a shut-in.  As the scene is now, we don't really feel anything(and neither does Eric) when the lady dies.

Perhaps if you played a small piece of video at the very beginning.  A block party or something where you introduce some of the neighbors.  The old lady, Donna and Mark.  And then cut right into the story with the video of the newscast.

As I said, I think Eric was weird, but not evil at the beginning.  The circumstances changed him.  Loneliness got to him.  And ultimately, his horniness got the better of him and wound up being his downfall.

I do think that final scene needs work.  AS soon as I read that Eric left the front door unlocked, I pretty much guessed the ending.  I really like the visual of the swarming flies when the thugs open that door.  They should have mentioned something about the smell as well.  I think it would have worked better if you turned that basement into a scene of all-out carnage.   When the thugs open the door and the flies swarm out, maybe Eric grabs the opportunity, snatches a gun from one of them and kills them all.  Then the additional zombies break in and Eric is trapped and they dismember and chew him up on camera.  I don't know...something like that.

But as I said, overall I liked it.

Jon,

Thanks for reading. I'm glad you...Kind of liked it...? Not too sure, but still, thank you for reading.

1. Eric

I'm getting the idea that he's a little too old and still a virgin to be believable, so I'll bring down his age to a more believable state. I'll also try and make him more interesting and have more stuff happen at the beginning to keep the reader interested.

2. Plot

Yes, Alex's character is thrown away after a short while, but Eric has a lot of emotion built up inside, and it's all mixed up and he can't really control himself, so he has major impulses. He's never gotten laid, and this is the first time he's had a woman in his house who isn't Donna. He doesn't really know what to do with her, and soon figures that maybe this is his chance to finally get closer to women, except he does it completely wrong as you can see. Things go awry, and the next thing you see is Alex screaming at him because she wants to survive, while he wants to have sex because he's alone and doesn't know what to do with himself. He's like a child in a man's body, so when he's yelled at by Alex, he ultimately hates her because he doesn't want/like to be yelled at. He has the epiphany that the zombies are easy to control and you can do anything with/to them, and figures out the idea about killing Alex. It's a long shot, but you have to keep the story moving. I've experimented with a lot of talking and slow story to get the characters well-rounded, and it went downhill.

3. Shaky-cam

When you mentioned this (and I'm glad you did) it really made me think about my script because I hadn't actually really noticed the point you made. So now that you've mentioned it, I've been thinking of some reasons for why he has a camera, so I'll definitely work on that.

The part where he films himself feeling Alex up could work if you did it right. I mean, it's not that hard to hold a camera. You have two hands, one holds the camera, the other does the other work. He wasn't planning on doing anything more than just feeling her up.

Quoted Text I really liked mcornetto’s idea of the scene where Alex fiddles with the camera appear far earlier in the script

That would be good, but I don't think it would make sense. Considering she comes in during mid-script, and she appears near the beginning, wouldn't make much sense. If there was a cut where she's fiddling with the camera, then she would have to do it at the beginning of the tape. And if she then comes to the house for the first time towards the middle, and then fiddles with the camera again, the time line wouldn't match up.

Yeah, that's what every shaky-cam movie is going to have: some parts are just going to go to the point where you're asking the character, "Why are you going there, you stupid!" Especially in Diary of the Dead. There were so many of those parts. But it doesn't have to be 100% believable. Audiences these days like to see what's going on (because our generation doesn't have as much imagination than before, so they can't fill in the blanks that much), and they want to see gore and scary images and stuff.

Thanks for the comments and I'll be working on this some more.

Sean

Cam,

Yeah, I had to ask some people whether or not I should post this in the shorts or the feature length section. [REC] was 75 minutes long and was still considered a feature length movie. But, in reality, the length should be good, since video tapes are usually from 60 - 80 minutes in length, I think.

If Eric were friends with the woman across the street, I feel he wouldn't be so unsympathetic for her. I mean, yeah, he just watches her die and he can't do anything about it, but that's just it: he just watches her. He doesn't show any sympathy for her, and he kind of mocks her troubles with the whole window blinds part, and then at the end when she's killed, he just passes her off as another person who just dies. I had it that way to show that he doesn't really care about anyone else in his neighborhood, and he's more like a hermit than your social neighbor. But that's a good suggestion, thanks.

I'm thinking of adding something at the beginning so the zombie apocalypse doesn't come off all of a sudden and he just happens to have a video camera and just happens to video tape what's going on right as it's beginning.

Quoted Text As I said, I think Eric was weird, but not evil at the beginning.  The circumstances changed him.  Loneliness got to him.  And ultimately, his horniness got the better of him and wound up being his downfall.

That's pretty much what happens and why he becomes the way he is towards the end of the script.

Your suggestion for the ending is a pretty good idea. I could try something like that, but I'll work with it.

Thanks for reading and the suggestions. Greatly appreciated.

Sean