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It’s funny, your first line of dialogue is ‘you’re being awfully quiet, Sophie’. I had a big discussion about the use of commas like this one. I sometimes don’t use them in similar dialogues because I believe a comma indicates a pause and I don’t think a pause is needed here lol. Your way is probably the right way though.
Bottom of page 1, Sophie says ‘I wouldn’t being going with you otherwise’. This doesn’t sound right to me?
I liked the opening 5 pages. I thought Kieron was perhaps going to do something unspeakable to Sophie and then, well you know what happens. Nice drama with the crash and good atmosphere with the wind and creaking gates.
I know you’re trying to trim this so there’s a few instances where you could lose lines. Here’s one; You introduce Vince and tell us he’s head of security but he then tells us that in his dialogue, so you could chop it from his description. Just a thought.
Martin’s first few hours in his new job are very believable, his nervousness and willingness to be over friendly with everyone is very natural.
I’m on page 30 and after a bit of early horror, it seems to have dried up.
Page 34; ‘both looking rough from wear from the drink’. Not sure this makes sense?
There’s a lot of bonding between Martin and Nick which all good but it’s not until page 50 that Nick finally mentions the graveyard. This is the trigger, I’m guessing, for the story to evolve. It just seems to have taken an age to get there. You have introduced and beefed up the characters, each with their own stories but it kind of runs down the drama road for the most part. I’m not saying this is a bad thing but it’s not what I was expecting after the opening few minutes of tense, dark and unnerving horror.
Bottom of page 56, Nicks dialogue ‘...owe you something, than you’ve gone about things the wrong way’. Should be ‘then’.
So the slow build up seems to have pushed the characters in the direction of the graveyard.
Page 62, I think you spell ‘bollocks’ like this?
The crypt scene is nice, I felt a real panic when Martin saw the slab being replaced. This also signals the start of the bloodshed, and the emergence of your weird characters.
One thing I noticed is that you judge distances in yards in one scene then feet in the next.
Oh my, Julian’s demise is pretty sick!
Well I never saw Nick’s twist coming, I thought he’d bought it!
I like the crazy family but it’s a shame they turned up so late.
The Caretaker asks who the police officers are? Are they not in uniform?
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The ending with Jennifer escape the grave gave me the image of the final scene of the descent. I like that scene.
Well this was a very strange script, a script of two halves really. The first half was more of a drama with some good characters. Nick’s Nazi background gave him a genuine sinister feel and one not to be trusted. As for Martin and Liam, well I wasn’t sure who was the protagonist. Martin obviously had more of a role to play but I think Liam had a better story. The death of Martin was awesome though!
When the horror started it really got bloody. This has some great kills and gore, and some scenes are gloriously brutal, the rape being one such scene. I’m not entirely sure I understood how everything came together though. The family, if that’s what they were, came together a little late and I’m not sure why they were living in the cemetery? I understand they were trying to impregnate a girl but I don’t get why? Was it just to have a child?
This kind of reminds me of something like ‘From Dusk Till Dawn’, in that it changes direction half way through. I don’t know which half I prefer, it does feel like two films. For the horror, I think you could lose some of the earlier stuff but the first hour is a good dark drama, perhaps a psychological horror thing going on.
Overall, I enjoyed this and it was definitely entertaining but I’m not sure it knows what it wants to be. Like I said, if this is a brutal horror, like how it ends, then I’d be tempted to cut some of the earlier build up. Good though, and you have some decent characters too.
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Wow, thanks guys for the feedback. Very helpful indeed and I really appreciate you taking the time to read this thing and post your thoughts. It has made things a lot clearer on what I now need to do to with the next draft.
Bangston, thanks for giving this a go. Sorry you couldn't make it any further than where you got but I can understand why. Just to clear up a couple of things, I didn't intend that the bullet had hit Sophie, her injury was just caused from the crash. The windshield had just "splintered", which put the driver off. The shooter is a different person than the axe man, as is explained a lot later on. Not sure where Vince is really rude? Maybe when he tells Martin not to touch anything? About Nick's car, it was introduced earlier so I didn't feel I needed to describe it again. Think that's what you meant? Good catch on page 19, I'll remove that. The club scene, yep, most have said this doesn't really help things. It's there to introduce other characters - kinda goes on too long and it will be worked on.
I'm really glad you liked the most of this ( seem to, anyway ) so that has helped to want me to stick with it and make it better. I also agree with everything you have pointed out.
Glad you liked the characters, especially Nick haha. I think he's the main reason I wanted the first part to go on longer than it probably should have. It is a relief to know that he works as a real person, even if he dilutes a little later on.
Agree about Martin at the end. You hit the nail on the head about introducing Liam earlier and getting the balance right. That's definitely something I will work on.
The Ghoul is a mistake. Should have been taken out and replaced by one of the others. Thanks for pointing this out because I have somehow missed this every damn time!!
Glad you dug the gore
I can completely understand when you say you were disappointed by the grave robbing petering out. I wasn't sure anyone would actually buy the idea to be honest, but I'm glad you liked it. I guess I could be a little more upfront about this in the log line.
The ritual was always a stretch to be honest, never had it planned that we would actually see it and thought leaving it as the ending in darkness was best way to go. As weird as it sounds, I didn't want to go the supernatural route. Whether what they had planned would have worked or what not, I thought best not to go into. Interesting you think it would probably have given it a little more spice though?
You're right about the structure, too. Changing that about a bit and cutting this down to a more reasonable page count is what I'm planning next.
Thanks a million for reading this James, much appreciated!
Thanks Alffy, your review has also helped out a great deal and really appreciate it!
You're right about the comma at the start! Will change that. Not sure if I have written like that before or it was a one off but I can see what you mean, is a funny one.
Same with the dialogue at the bottom of the page. Tried to make her sound "young" (bit dim) but I'll probably alter it.
Thanks for pointing out the typos and such.
The caretaker and the police is a weird one haha. I'll say he was short sighted and playing dumb. Heh, nah, I don't buy that one either. I'll change this too.
The ending with Jennifer - I'm sure I had seen it before just couldn't place it. It's probably been done a few times, just fits the bill on this one I think.
I'm glad you liked , or kind of went along with, the characters because Liam and Martin do kind of switch roles. I need to put Liam in a little earlier and balance out the first half a bit more. Glad Nick worked and of course, thanks for enjoying the gore!
The family under the graveyard, it's weird for sure. But they are not meant to be a family to be honest. There is nothing to say they are or are not, so it's kind of left ambiguous again I guess. I was going to drop in some dialogue about having to go to work the next day at Tescos or something ridiculous but I don't think humour at that particular point would have gone down too well. Basically i had it that they were "normal" people that on particular occasions would go there and indulge in their fantasies and practice whatever bizarre rituals they were into. It was their version of going out on a night out, to their "club" compared to Liam and co. I dont mind how anyone interprets it though, it's pretty much open.
You are bang on about this being in two parts. I think I put in a subtitle of ghosts and goblins just before the graveyard part. This is probably one of the bigger problems, not sure too many people will be interested in this idea but I like that the first part is still a horror, just a different kind to what happens next. So I'm really pleased you liked some of the first half, even though I agree I need to cut it down.
So thanks again Alffy, I hate to repeat the same thing but I do appreciate the time it takes to read this thing.
I haven't read your other new work that was put up a while ago, lol, and I wish I had. I know I started in and then didn't finish it. So I will have to give it a read. And your Season of the Devil. I just realized I've only read your Malevolent series. Well -- I'll get on that. Anyways, I decided to give this a quick read.
- pg. 5 Kieron says "wee-wee" when asking her if she was peeing. She isn't that young, I think that was going a little too far. I think that should be edited or taken out.
- Overall, great opening. Quick, and pretty brutal. Leaves to the imagination, and that's good. You really have a good old-school horror with new age tone type writing. If that makes any sense. I really admire that. And that's something I'd like to incorporate into my scripts.
- Around page forty-seven, and confuses about where this is going. Great character development though. Your doing something right if I'm still interested.
- You switch from Ghoul to The Phantom for the killer's name.
- I don't like the way the killer talks. I think it'd be a lot more eerie if he was completely silent - and just really aggressive.
- You kind of just take the whole "Who is your god?" thing from Rob Zombie. I mean, yeah he doesn't do it to great either, but if your gonna take something - at least write it better.
Wow, overall that was a pretty disgusting story there Scoob. It's also done very differentely. You built up the character development or a good hour before anything happened. And when shit hits the fan, shits hits the fan. I never knew if the good guys were gonna get away, or if they were dead. You really wrote this pretty well. There are a few nitpicks, but it's pretty good. There are some things that I feel like you should lose. I'd keep the way your wrote this in very well. I was confused on what the fuck was going on until the end. And that's something that should happen in a horror movie.
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First, congrats on finishing a full-length script, and now, onto my thoughts about “Graveyard.” My favorite part of the story is the main characters and particularly the relationships between Liam and Jessica, as well as Liam and Martin. The pregnant scene showed chemistry between the two lovers, and seeing Liam in his element afterwards DJ scene played well. In fact, in makes me questions whether or not you have labeled the wrong character as your main character, as of now it’s Martin.
The ending of the story calls into the question that should be the main character and also sheds light on why because of lack of plot. You hid your main opponent until the end of the story and once he’s revealed there’s little to look back on as far as how he’s attacked Martina up till the point of the end. Meanwhile, you flip back to Liam’s storyline which has more plot not much horror but still plot, he faces opponent’s, including his girlfriend. Don’t get me wrong I’m not suggesting you change much, just edit with it in mind that Liam is the main character.
Again one of my favorite things about the story is the relationships Liam and Marin’s would be even more strength if Liam had an even bigger objection to what Martin is doing while also giving him a ghost. Example, show an early scene of Liam attending his mother’s or grandmother’s someone dear to him funerals, and Martin’s present. Liam’s discover of what Martin’s up to would be taken to new height, and with that also taking their friendship to a new height when despite that Liam still has his back at the end. The theme for the story being “Friendships get us through the death of a loved one.” Now, the heroes who ever they are don’t make it through so maybe something more negative, which I’m all for. I mean it is a horror film.
While I like blood and guts, getting twenty plus pages of action/description is tough. But, that would be remedy by having all that description played out as action on screen. I also like that the opponent had that underground tunnel system, which makes them more powerful being able to attack from above, below, and sides.
Overall, it was OK with potential. Hope this helped some.
BLB
Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
Hey Toran, thanks for reading this one, appreciated mate
Thanks for wanting to give the Season Of The Devil script a go but honestly, it was one of my first and it needs a major rewrite. It's something I been looking at but everytime I try and get into it, I just get sidetracked. One day.
- pg. 5 Kieron says "wee-wee" when asking her if she was peeing. She isn't that young, I think that was going a little too far. I think that should be edited or taken out.
I can see your point. I just thought it would make Keiron sound even more creepier and pervy if he was talking to this already young girl and he's clearly imagining her as being even younger.
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- Overall, great opening. Quick, and pretty brutal. Leaves to the imagination, and that's good.
Glad you liked the opening, seems to have worked quite well.
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- Around page forty-seven, and confuses about where this is going. Great character development though. Your doing something right if I'm still interested.
Thanks about the characters. As for the structure...yep, it's not really keeping to the rules I guess and it doesnt all work. It either will pull some in or make some just want to quit early. Thanks for sticking with it!
Pleased you liked the characters and some of their scenes came off believable. I agree with you that I mismatched the lead. I'll give Liam more time at the start so he doesnt just appear out of the blue.
Again one of my favorite things about the story is the relationships Liam and Marin’s would be even more strength if Liam had an even bigger objection to what Martin is doing while also giving him a ghost. Example, show an early scene of Liam attending his mother’s or grandmother’s someone dear to him funerals, and Martin’s present. Liam’s discover of what Martin’s up to would be taken to new height, and with that also taking their friendship to a new height when despite that Liam still has his back at the end. The theme for the story being “Friendships get us through the death of a loved one.” Now, the heroes who ever they are don’t make it through so maybe something more negative, which I’m all for. I mean it is a horror film.
That's a really good idea. It would also help to introduce Liam earlier so thats two down with one stone in a way. I'm not sure if I'll use it but I do like it a great deal. Thanks!
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While I like blood and guts, getting twenty plus pages of action/description is tough. But, that would be remedy by having all that description played out as action on screen. I also like that the opponent had that underground tunnel system, which makes them more powerful being able to attack from above, below, and sides.
Yeah, I can understand that it may drag on a bit but as you said, if it's supposed to be shown than it needs to be written. It does need more work, I do need to still cut this down quite a lot so I will look at it all again in a few weeks and hopefully , thanks to everyones help here, will be able to have a much tighter script.
So thanks BLB, appreciate the comments and time you took to read, cheers!
If you have anything you'd like me to read, drop me a PM.
Will start off with my notes as I read....SPOILERS:
Pg. 4: "taking a wee-wee" just sounds painfully awkward. Then again, so has every other exchange coming from these two so it's probably intentional.
Very good opening you have here. I'm instantly intrigued. Well Written. Good Job.
Pg. 7 is almost entirely dialogue and doesn't look very aesthetically pleasing, in my opinion. Maybe you can break it up with a few actions.
Pg. 8: Description of the gatehouse is worded strangely. Hard to follow.
Maurice and Martin have very similar names. May become a problem. (It didn't)
Pg. 10: Ha! I love this set up. New and alone on the job at night. I just wonder what's gonna happen at this point.
Pg. 17: Martin's interactions with Liam all seem very naturalistic. Good Dialogue between them. Like these guys.
Pg. 20: "Sound as a pound". the British phrases like this one are incredibly alien to me but I love em. They make me smile
I'm predicting that Nick is one of those charming psychopaths.
Pg. 23: Is knob end the same as saying dick head?
Pg. 24: "Go suck on a Mr. Freeze and wait until you get to the sticky part" Whaaaaat? Right over my head.
Pg. 27: Tying > Trying
Pg. 29: Nick is finally showing his true colors...but how long til her axes someone to death again?
Pg. 30: A "One Week Later" text over black in the 'middle' of a movie would strike me as out of place or tacky. I think those should be saved for the end or beginning.
Pg. 31: "Nignog"? That's a first. Never heard that. "Heil Hitler". Oh heeeell no! I would've been outta there. Martin is really passive about pretty much everything.
Pg. 36: I take it Jeremy Kyle is like the Maury Povich of the UK. Gross. lol
Pg. 41: Very well written scene here. Nice!
Pg. 43: I have a very similar scene to this in my script. I believe yours is a bit better written. The characters say very similar things to each other.
Pg. 44: I'm enjoying the script but as of now, except for the opening, there has been no indication as to why this is script is sectioned in Horror.
Pg. 63: what is the "Ghosts & Goblins" superimpose about?
Pg. 66: Thrills START! I'm finally being sucked in again for the first time since the opening
Pg. 67: What the f u c k? The was unexpected. Flipping great. I'm grinning from ear to ear.
Pg. 75: Kinda confused. This is so not the direction I thought this script would take. Seems to be more supernatural than grounded in reality. Good job with that. Ever see a film called "One Dark Night" from the 80s?
Pg. 77: The PHANTOM is disturbingly sadistic.
Pg. 84: Another A+ scene! Damn skeleton!! He's dead! Talk about overkill.
Danielle's death is terrible. She was a bitch but my god.
Pg. 109: This is sick.
FINISHED
You've managed to bury a cool, twisted, and disturbing little slasher flick under a heap of character scenes and exposition that brilliantly masked the story as a potential psychological thriller and even (toward the end) a supernatural horror. I was convinced that the story had taken a supernatural slant with those scenes in the graveyard. You fooled me and I loved it. While my enthusiasm for the script did waver whilst waiting for something horrific to happen I believe it payed off in the end.
The characters were pretty much all efficient. And all served a purpose even if the purpose was to die terribly. But what were James and Cheryl there for? They did absolutely nothing. If they had not been in the script....things would have played out exactly the same. Perhaps you should drop them. Your main character (at least initially) made some very terrible choices and was very laid back about everything. He didn't have a mind of his own and eventually went along with everything Nick said. Don't know many people who would go along with such a shifty individual to ROB GRAVES of all things. Anyone who would go along with that sort of thing obviously doesn't have a steady moral compass. He was not likable at all. Although his death was brutal, I was relieved when your main character focus shifted to Liam and Jennifer. Much better fitting leads. I was rooting for them until the very grim end. Your villains were on point! They were absolutely despicable in every way. Just thinking about them makes me cringe. Insanity.
Excellent writing here technically. Though some of your descriptions could be made clearer. I got lost at times and had to re-read to understand what you were saying. Overall....I enjoyed the mess out of this. Honestly, I wish I had more negative to say other than about the long buildup but I don't. Nice Job, Mate.
Thanks Shawn for reading this one and for writing the review.
Appreciate the notes you took and the summary - obviously I'm really pleased you enjoyed it but for also pointing out where it could be improved.
I think James and Cheryl will have to go as you rightly pointed out they dont really do anything worthwhile ; I hope to improve the writing in a further draft to clean it up a little and cut the page count down. 118 is a little too high.
Hope to give a better reply a little later but Im kinda rushed at the moment and just wanted to thank you for the review.