Jack,

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Glad you pointed out the spelling and grammar mistakes, I'll get right on those. I seriously read through this thing three or so times to try and pick out any mistakes I've made, but nobody's perfect, yeh?

Quoted Text Also the way you introduce the other crew members is a tad awkward, they seem to come out of nowhere. Having all the characters formally introduce themselves is a little weird, seems a tad unrealistic to me.  Kind of like a cheap way to introduce them.  With Conner you did better, his character was explained through the others reactions to him, and his dialogue.  Would be nice to do the others in the same way.

Yeah, as I said before, I was trying to go for a more documentary type feel for that part, I dunno why, I guess I thought it would seem cool (but, like people have said, whatever you think is cool or funny to you, doesn't mean it will be to anyone else). I'll work on introducing the characters better, and the whole "show, don't tell" part with how the characters are, I don't really seem to have a problem with it, probably because I'm used to people telling me how they are or what they're like rather than finding out on my own, watching through their actions (probably because I'm also pretty oblivious).

Quoted Text Walkie talkies don’t have stations, they have frequencies. The GPS cords would include several decimals.  I would guess that it being a ship they would include a vector as well. M4s and M16s don’t use clips, they use magazines.  And yes, there is a difference.

Yes, factual errors are probably scattered throughout the script here, but I did a lot of research on this stuff, and tried making it as smart as possible, so there will be factual errors probably everywhere. It's nice that you pointed them out, though, because it will help. I'll change the mistakes with the 'frequencies' and 'magazines/clips' issues.

Quoted Text Really?  Splitting up?  Really??

Really.

Quoted Text And once they start dying they still stayed split up?  And send kellen to go find what happened to cyrus all alone?  Really?

They don't know that their team members have died yet. And yes, really.

Quoted Text Need to rethink the separation thing.  Maybe take separate elevators, or someone refuses to trust elevators.  Then one elevator gets stuck on lower floor.  Getting them separated is all good, but just a tad ludicrous to imagine the boss sending them all out alone on purpose to hunt for ‘pirates’ ... Seems like finding the two survivors one after another was a little easy.  Maybe put one before cyrus dies.  So they find a survivor, then cyrus finds his, which turns out to be bad, then they find the other.

Someone suggested that I even have two go to each floor and they stick together, only to be separated later on. It was a good, smarter idea, but it would have taken longer for them to get where they needed to be later in the script, which means the script would be longer, and it's already at 117 pages. Plus, this is a horror movie, not everyone is always smart in it, separation is the key move.

Same with finding the survivors one after another. I had to introduce those characters as soon as possible to keep the script shorter and a faster read.

Quoted Text Several parts of the writing could be simplified a bit.  Example: His body hits the twisted metal art sculpture hanging over the lobby. Kellen’s scream cuts off as his body smashes into the sculpture.  Those two sentences would probably be better as just one, ‘Kellens scream cuts off as his body smashes into the twisted metal art sculpture.’ Also right after that, you have his scream get weaker after it was already cut off.  Then it cuts off again.  Need to clarify.

Good catch, thanks for the suggestion, I'll fix that. Same with...

Quoted Text Also in your comments you say they are basically a swat team, but I dont remember that being explained in the script.  might want to clarify that they are a pirate response team or something to that effect.  because they dont really act like your everyday coast guard members, and seem to have a pretty different skill set.

Quoted Text P74  Britt empties her gun into the glass door?  That they want to hold?

My bad, I think what I meant was that the clip slides out of the pistol and she throws the gun at the floor. I can't actually remember, but I'll go ahead and change it to make it clearer.

I can understand how you want me to clean up the pregnancy speech and Britt's rant about her and Dean's backstory, but c'mon, you have to expect people to cry. I mean, they have a break from being killed at this moment, locked in a bathroom, they've finally calmed down, they've just seen all these people die or have killed their friends, they realise that they may not even make it out alive. You'll have to have a breakdown at some point.

Quoted Text Who’s wes?  Not sure you introduced him properly.

Wes is Michelle's brother. Guessed I wouldn't need to put his names in CAPs once he attacked Michelle because he has no speaking lines, and it's obvious that she knows him, so her saying his name would be the most of his introduction, I suppose? She even says that she was looking for her brother after her encounter with the skinny woman.

Quoted Text Don handing the gun to michelle seemed a little forced.  Maybe have him laughing and relieved, she takes the gun away before he accidently shoots anyone, or something like that.  Just how its written its kind of an obvious set up.

You make a good point about that. I could possibly have him set the gun down on the floor of the 'copter, and she decides to get a feel for it.

The ending I've explained I'll fix, but thanks for the feedback about it anyways.

Thanks again for taking your time to read this, and your comments and feedback are greatly appreciated as always.

Sean

Hi Sean, have just finished reading this.
I have to be honest and say I couldn't get into this. I know you put a lot of work into it but it wasn't my cup of tea. Your writing was fine and the pace was good, but I didn't like the whole infected worm thing.
When I read your log I was all excited - Zombie Sean's newie, a cruise ship, full on shit! Well, it was full on gore! Some of it was downright digusting but, hey, that's what these movies are for.
I guess I was disappointed it wasn't a true zombie story - maybe becasue Rob's The Bay was still frsh in my mind, I was subconsciously ready to compare it to that.

Someone has mentioned there's way too many characters intro'ed and I agree. I didn't like how each one told a bit about themselves. I would cut the Coast guard crew by half.
When they started exploring the ship, the slug of each DECK became tiresome. I know there wasn't really another way to do it (and I'd be interested to see what Jeff makes of it) but it didn't read well for me. I would like to have seen it something like aliens, when the different groups are moving around the base. I know they have video showing the action as well, but I kept thinking of that film.
Once the action started it became more interesting. I thought some of the dialogue was a bit over the top and didn't suit the situation. When Britt gives her 'speech' about saving Michelle, it was sort of forced and a bit clunky.

The ending was ok, but we knew the ship was gonna come into land.
i'm sorry for all the negativity, Sean, I really am. It's just me I guess. I was looking for a straight forward zombie flick but didn't find it.

Cheers stevie.

Hey Sean

Nice opening on the ship, the woman falling to her death is nasty.  Then you describe the Alaskan frontier and surrounding waters beautifully.

You introduce the characters well and they all seem to have their own voice.  It’s strange that you didn’t describe the helicopter co-pilot at all.  I’m guessing it’s a he but there appears to be a bit of flirting between them, or is that just me?

There are a few pages of the coast guards searching the ship, maybe this could be trimmed a little.  You also jump about from one deck to another frequently but this is surprisingly not confusing, and it also gives a good lonely feel to characters situations.  

One thing did spring to mind though, if they are worried about pirates or something worse, and are trying to quickly and quietly search the decks right, so you could have a missed an opportunity to add some more suspense with one guard searching quietly when their walkie-talkie suddenly blurts out Connor’s question about getting into the rooms.  Just a thought.

I noticed a typo on page 32, ‘Amber slides the car into the key slot...’.  Think this should be ‘card’?

Killing off Cyrus, the burley macho character first was a shock but a pleasant one, they usually go out in a hail of gunfire while mouthing profanities.

I liked the Dining Hall scene with Lori and on/off lights, it was a very creepy image.

Maybe I missed a few shots but Kellen empties his magazine and replaces it with a new one, but I thought he’d only fired about 3 bullets, I may be wrong here though?

Don calls Amber ‘a complete bitch’, but having just met, it sounds a bit weird, like he knows her.

On page 59 you have an error, in the liquor store you put Dean instead of Don.  ‘Dean grabs two liquor bottles’ This continues as they run to the stairs.

It seems strange that Dean and the others watch Amber struggle to get Don up the stairs but when she finally does they all leave her and race for the elevator.  I understand Connor not helping but why not Dean and the others?

On the patio, Dean hops over the railings and slides down the sheet but you say Britt empties her clip before following.  I don’t get this bit?  The infected are behind a glass patio door, if Britt shoots off the last of her bullets she’ll smash the glass door and let the remaining infected through won’t she?  We hear the door shatter moments later when they are inside the cabin below.

Some of the dialogue is a little clunky and unnatural.  This is most obvious for me when they encounter Michelle.  Britt and Dean’s story about their failed conception seems totally out of place in the situation their all in.

There are some pretty nasty deaths throughout the script, Markus’ tongue scene is one that stands out for me, it made me wince a little.

Sky and his co-pilot re-appear after been missing for the whole story, to be honest I’d forgotten about them.  I think it’s because you have a large number of characters and even when some die, new ones appear, even late in the day like Michelle.

Page 115, you have a typo ‘The get closer to the ship’ think this should be ‘They’?

I really liked the ending, the whole ‘it’s the end of the world’.

It was a little hard to care for people like Michelle and Don, simply because they turn up so late in the day and for Michelle to, possibly, be the only survivor kind of seems strange.  Also Michelle pointing the gun in the chopper was a bit forced but I get that you needed her to have it.

The parasite conclusion was different and it worked ok but I wasn’t sure why the infected seem to charge around ripping people apart and then take the time to slice of skin and fry it?

Overall Sean, this was decent but I think it could be shortened, it is after all, a standard zombie flick, run for your life storyline.  This isn’t a bad thing and did enjoy the read as a whole.  The kill’s were certainly well thought out too, nice and gory!

One thing I couldn’t get past, and this no fault of yours, was the fact that all the guns and shooting was done by the Coast Guard.  In England the Coast Guard simply use a small power boat to rescue people from distressed fishing boats.  I couldn’t get passed seeing a man in a bright yellow waterproof suit and life jacket. Lol.

Hey, Sean.

I would've posted this yesterday but my head was just not cooperating at all. Thank God for fast food though. Yeah, the invention of the wheel and stuff like then pen and the internet are all great things, but whoever (and I imagine it was a guy) decided to chop a potato into sticks and dunk them in boiling oil deserves a life time achievement award cos' French Fries are life savers. And salt's pretty cool too.

Anyhoo...

Ah, so the tapeworm thing I mentioned in my first post did mean something after all. That was a nice twist, Sean - not sure about the accelerated growth theory - but the parasite itself worked pretty well. I mean, it's been done before in other clothing but it was a fresh spin on the whole "Zombie" mythology. I know the script isn't really a Zombie story per se but...you know what I mean.

The other spin you put on it, the fact that the infected are in fact not mindless killing machines, that they are still able to formulate plans, set traps and such also worked well.

By the way, had you recently watched Alien Resurrection when you wrote this? I'm asking cos' there's a scene where Don is about to throw up and the Coast Guards train their weapons on him - it kinda reminded me of the scene where Purvis coughs and Johner and Destephano get ready to off him.

One thing that bothered me throughout was the helicopter crew. Where were they when all this shit was going down? What were they doing? I think it would be helpful to the story if you cut back to them a few times just to let us know they're still around, you know?

Things that worked for me:

The setting: The derelict ship at sea. I love it. Yes, it probably reminds a lot of people of Ghost Ship, Virus and Deep Rising but I like the claustrphobic feel you get when the people you're rooting for are all trapped in a confined space.

One thing you may want to consider is the number of infected people. You mention thousands of them are on the ship but, from a production standpoint, you really should cut way down on that number. I don't think it's going to deminish the tension with a fewer number of infected at all.

The crisis: Like I said, the spin you put on it felt fairly fresh and - to a degree - believable. What made it work really well in my opinion is the exellent opening scene you had. I thought that was a perfect start. I still think it turned somewhat generic halfway through but I couldn't tell you how to avoid that.

The gore: Lotsa gore here. You're a sick bastard, Sean  . I think Hien's death was fucking disgusting! Yikes. I think you're very imaginative when it comes to killing people (which kinda makes you think, don't it?). The vomit was also a touch of brilliance. I can't remember having seen anything like that on screen before (except for the spitting aliens in Alien3 and Alien Res.).

The ending: My kind of ending. Period. Okay, I'm not crazy about the camera man thing again but it definitely ties in with the opening scene so good work on that.

Things that I'm 50/50 about:

The writing: I actually mean the over-writing here. I think that you're too descriptive for your own good, Sean. Kellen's death scene comes to mind here. The whole chase and lead up to his actual death runs like 5 pages and that's simply too much in my opinion. I don't mind a long lead up for the sake of tension but that many pages simply kill the pace. Another thing, I can't remember what page this happens on, but it's when they find Michelle in the restroom, here you meticulously describe how everyone is standing in the room. Does it really matter who leans against what wall, who sits on the floor or on the bowl? And why does Dean constantly say: We with the Coast Guard, from the 17th District? The 17th District? Does that really matter.

The dialogue: I mentioned something about this in my first post. Lotsa exposition in the dialogue all around. Granted, it's needed in certain scenes but there's just too much of it to go around. Much of it is actually recapping what has already happened and that just never works. the audience is already up to speed about what's going on so there's no need to have the characters constantly telling new characters the situation. In terms of dialogue, less is more.

The Britt-Dean subplot: This was your version of the 30 Days of Night Eben-Stella subplot and I guess it could have worked if you had focused more on Britt and Dean. But they kept taking a back seat to the action and gore and I felt that I never really got to know them well enough to buy their backstory. Also, while the fact that they couldn't conceive is a plausible explanation for them breaking up...it's kinda weak in my book. I think it would work better if they actually once had a child and the child died, to me that would be a bit more powerful - and maybe the Britt-Michelle plot would work better too.

Things that didn't work for me:

The supporting cast: Like others have mentioned, you have a lot of characters in this piece. Very few of the supporting characters worked I'm sorry too say. The only one that really stood out for me was Cyrus - and he's dead before anything really gets started so my suggestion to you is either keep him on longer or lose him altogether. Connor, the token scumbag, also stood out but the rest sort of blended together and it was difficult for me to keep track of them.  

The crying scene: You know which one I'm talking about, right? The one in the restroom. I'm sorry I just couldn't buy it. It felt forced and awkward.

Don and Michelle: Who are these guys all of a sudden? Don was the only guy I didn't want to make it off the ship. I would have been okay with Connor making it but Don? No fucking way. I was hoping Amber would just leave his drunk ass to die when she runs into him - or cap it herself. Michelle simply comes into the story too late to carry any real emotions. They should have found her much sooner - or not at all.

The M16s: I think we've covered that one...but I'm willing to recap if needed  

I don't want to go too much into the format other than to restate what I already said about the double slugs. Also, there were several times were I thought you could have used INTERCUT instead of full-on slugs. It would have saved you some space and probably upped the pace in said scene.

Overall I liked the plot a lot but I feel that you should tighten this up a bit, maybe lose some characters, get rid of all that exposition and really focus on Britt and Dean's relationship. Remember, it's always the characters that sell the story.

Keep up the good work, Sean.

Cheers
Rob

Sorry for the late responses, everyone. I've been kinda busy lately and haven't really had the chance to sit down and actually surf the site for a bit.

Quoted from stevie Hi Sean, have just finished reading this. I have to be honest and say I couldn't get into this. I know you put a lot of work into it but it wasn't my cup of tea. Your writing was fine and the pace was good, but I didn't like the whole infected worm thing. When I read your log I was all excited - Zombie Sean's newie, a cruise ship, full on shit! Well, it was full on gore! Some of it was downright digusting but, hey, that's what these movies are for. I guess I was disappointed it wasn't a true zombie story - maybe becasue Rob's The Bay was still frsh in my mind, I was subconsciously ready to compare it to that.

I'm glad you at least liked some parts. Don't sweat it too much, though. This one won't be everyone's cup o' tea. I wanted to go for a more realistic feel (sorta) with the parasites, and make the infected not exactly zombies (more of the 28 Days Later kind of infected), except just more cruel and unbelievable.

Quoted Text Someone has mentioned there's way too many characters intro'ed and I agree. I didn't like how each one told a bit about themselves. I would cut the Coast guard crew by half.

I would do that if I could, but I sort of had a reason for each character (or almost each character). Like, this happened to this character for a reason, etc.

Quoted Text When they started exploring the ship, the slug of each DECK became tiresome. I know there wasn't really another way to do it (and I'd be interested to see what Jeff makes of it) but it didn't read well for me.

I tried to make it as clean as possible and as simply written as possible when it came to switching between decks. It's the whole stupid separation thing, ya know?

Quoted Text Once the action started it became more interesting. I thought some of the dialogue was a bit over the top and didn't suit the situation. When Britt gives her 'speech' about saving Michelle, it was sort of forced and a bit clunky.

I'll be cleaning up Britt and Michelle's speeches, don't worry.

Quoted Text The ending was ok, but we knew the ship was gonna come into land. i'm sorry for all the negativity, Sean, I really am. It's just me I guess. I was looking for a straight forward zombie flick but didn't find it. Cheers stevie.

Ha ha how'd you know? Don't be sorry, everyone's views on something are always different, and this one just wasn't for you, it seems. Thanks for your comments, though, and taking the time to read this one.

Sean

Alffy,


Thanks for reading, man.

Quoted Text You introduce the characters well and they all seem to have their own voice.  It’s strange that you didn’t describe the helicopter co-pilot at all.  I’m guessing it’s a he but there appears to be a bit of flirting between them, or is that just me?

Thank you, you seem to be one of the few who enjoyed my character intros. The co-pilot is a male, and it's not flirting, it's bromance Ha ha, nah, take it how you want, but I don't mean for there to be any romantic moves between their interactions?

Quoted Text There are a few pages of the coast guards searching the ship, maybe this could be trimmed a little.  You also jump about from one deck to another frequently but this is surprisingly not confusing, and it also gives a good lonely feel to characters situations.

I'll take a look at those pages and see what I can cut out. And I'm glad you think the slugs in the cruise ship are cleaner than others think.

Quoted Text One thing did spring to mind though, if they are worried about pirates or something worse, and are trying to quickly and quietly search the decks right, so you could have a missed an opportunity to add some more suspense with one guard searching quietly when their walkie-talkie suddenly blurts out Connor’s question about getting into the rooms.  Just a thought.

I was actually thinking of an idea similar to that where one of the guards is alone and trying to hide from the infected, only to have his radio blurt out some order, and he gets caught, but I figured that was a bit too cliché for my taste. But that is also a good suggestion, something to kind of startle the audience a bit.

Quoted Text It seems strange that Dean and the others watch Amber struggle to get Don up the stairs but when she finally does they all leave her and race for the elevator.  I understand Connor not helping but why not Dean and the others?

I'll take a look at that and see what I can do to make the other team more useful, but I see what you're saying.

Quoted Text Some of the dialogue is a little clunky and unnatural.  This is most obvious for me when they encounter Michelle.  Britt and Dean’s story about their failed conception seems totally out of place in the situation their all in.

I'll be fixing that. And Britt's story, that's kind of the only place I could put it, or I can try and split it in half. I just remembered that I still have that scene of calmness before they realise that Beatrice has left the building and changed into an infected herself.

Quoted Text Sky and his co-pilot re-appear after been missing for the whole story, to be honest I’d forgotten about them.  I think it’s because you have a large number of characters and even when some die, new ones appear, even late in the day like Michelle.

Yeah, I don't want them to be in the story too much and distract the audience from what's happening on the inside. Kind of also makes you wonder when they had gotten infected, and I was going in a direction where you focus more on the characters on the inside and forget about the helicopter on the outside to sorta make the audience feel alone on the boat with them and there's no other way out.


P.S> I have said it before, but I know Michelle and Don were kinda 2-dimensional even though they were the last survivors of the script. Sorry 'bout that.

Quoted Text The parasite conclusion was different and it worked ok but I wasn’t sure why the infected seem to charge around ripping people apart and then take the time to slice of skin and fry it?

Yeah, I guess that's a bit of a plot-hole, but it'll work its way out somehow. The more people they're going after, the less time they have to skin and fry people? But since there are fewer people on the ship, they have more time to fry people up?

Quoted Text Overall Sean, this was decent but I think it could be shortened, it is after all, a standard zombie flick, run for your life storyline.  This isn’t a bad thing and did enjoy the read as a whole.  The kill’s were certainly well thought out too, nice and gory! One thing I couldn’t get past, and this no fault of yours, was the fact that all the guns and shooting was done by the Coast Guard.  In England the Coast Guard simply use a small power boat to rescue people from distressed fishing boats.  I couldn’t get passed seeing a man in a bright yellow waterproof suit and life jacket. Lol.

Thanks again for reading and I am glad you enjoyed it! And glad I could gross you out as well. Yeah, this is more of the SWAT version of the Coast Guard, with the guns and the helicopters, and the KAPOW *all that said in a Bill Cosby voice*

Sean

Rob, my man, how you doin'? Thanks for giving your time to give this thing a read. I figured you would stray from zombies for the moment after finishing The Bay, but I'm also glad you stuck around

Quoted Text Powerful opening scene - liked that one a lot cos' you hit the ground running which is always good. But...salmon? You sure you couldn't find something more interesting for them to talk about? I personally like salmon but...not in a script, dawg. Having the opening scene shot through a camera (jeez, how else would you do it? You know what I mean), the obvious question will always be: why does he keep filming? When the woman falls, why doesn't he put the camera down? But I guess this is how it's done nowadays in movies (Cloverfield), so I personally don't have any problems with that.

Yeah, this is one of my get-up-and-go scripts where I really want to start off with a bang for American audience's whose attention-spans are shorter than those of a goldfish.

Quoted Text You introduce a lot of characters early on and I did have some problems keeping up with who's who. Maybe you could introduce them in chunks so to speak, maybe three at the time. Also, there's a lot of exposition through dialogue in that scene on the Interceptor. Characters telling what they're like instead of you showing it. Also, I think I counted three times in a short time span where Connor is called a "dick". I don't think that was necessary.

Aye, I guess I spoke too soon. I'll clean up the character intros and make it flow more realistically.

You've pretty much mentioned everything that others have said, and I really don't want to go into it once again in another post (sorry, nothing against you, it's my fault really ) so if you want to, you can look back at my responses to comments and pick out what you also had a problem with. (I still don't know how you were able to go on a whole post talking about the guns used I think all guns are cool in my opinion. If it goes BANG and causes blood to splatter on walls, then it's okay in my book.

I will be working on the Britt-Dean relationship and Michelle's character development. I will try and tighten this script up, because even for a zombie script, it's pretty long (why am I calling this a zombie script? They're NOT zombies! Great, now I am in the habit...) Even the original Dawn of the Dead got boring and that was over two hours.

But thanks for reading Rob, and thanks for the suggestions and well-thought-out review. I'll be sure to take what you said into consideration.

Until next time,

Sean

Hey Sean. How's it going?

I wanna say this is the best script I've read from you thus far but I'm not really sure because I had such a hard time reading it. The slugs have been brought up already and you've explained yourself but I feel like you're getting away with murder at this point. Seriously. The slugs were garbage. I had to stop reading several times because I was getting lost. You mentioned that there's only three locations that really need slugs. Bullshit. A cruise ship is a big motherfucking ship. You've already got tons of locations. They're just not formatted correctly and regardless, you need more than just DECK 1, 2, 3, etc.

Additionally, with or without proper formatting, ALASKAN FRONTIER and LATER, FROM AFAR are terrible location descriptions. Fix 'em!

Okay. This is as harsh as I'm going to get so don't be afraid to read further. I DID like the script.

The second major problem with the script (and also the last major problem) is the characters. There's way too many of them. I identified Britt and Dean as the leads, Cyrus as the throwaway tough guy, Don as the drunk and Hien as the hapless Asian. Michelle was also easy to identify as she showed up so late. The rest... eh. They were pretty interchangeable. I'm sure you could chuck a few. Also, I would have Michelle show up way earlier. I like the connection between her, Britt and, to a lesser extent, Dean but the way it's explained all in one fell swoop just doesn't work. Britt should build a relationship with Michelle before all is revealed.

Okay. Onto the good stuff. I loved the story. The parasites were sick. Resident Evil-ish (the games, not the movie) but not overly so. I've always found tapeworms to be among the grossest creatures on the planet and I have to say I share you phobia of fish. Well, mine isn't a phobia so much as I think seafood is disgusting. That said, everyone eats salmon. Don't you think the ship could serve something fancier? Think monkfish or Chilean sea bass. These are fish so hideous, they had to change their names so as to not turn people off to eating them.

You're infected were also cool and were pretty nasty for your average zombie-esque fare. I have to say the gore in this script was really sick. I've always thought you mostly wrote "fun gore" but some of the stuff here is more nasty and brutal. My kinda stuff. The acidic puke, the burrowing parasites, the face peeling, the skinning... really visceral stuff going on here. Lots of people falling to their death as well which is somewhat underrated in horror today.

The suspense is also pretty top notch. Your use of lights is excellent what with the flickering and constant blackouts. Class shit!

A few notes...

pg. 2 - "As DO her arms."

pg. 16 - "It looks smaller than [what?] from the ones I've seen."

pg. 22 - Shouldn't end a page with a slug.

- Why does Kellen wait for the elevator if the infected are using stairs? Wouldn't he do the same?

pg. 49 - He stays still and then he's shaking? What's going on?

- Better not to have the girl slash Connor's throat. He wouldn't make it to the flames in this state.

pg. 84 - "Parasitic pussbags?" You mean "pusbags?" or is the "puss" intentional?

Despite some issues, a pretty damn good script. Good job, dude!

James,

Sorry for the late response. I haven't really had a chance to get come here and reply to any reviews because of school and work and other things. But I appreciate you giving your time reading this, and your comments (even though worried me at first) are greatly appreciated.

Quoted Text The slugs were garbage. I had to stop reading several times because I was getting lost. You mentioned that there's only three locations that really need slugs. Bullshit. A cruise ship is a big motherfucking ship. You've already got tons of locations. They're just not formatted correctly and regardless, you need more than just DECK 1, 2, 3, etc.

Well, technically there are only about 4 locations. You have the Alaskan forest, the piers, the ocean, and the cruise ship. The cruise ship is then divided into sub-locations (decks, compartments, etc.). I don't really know how to write the slugs efficiently since there really isn't any location to them except for decks on the cruise ship (unless you wanted me to say DECK 5 - HALLWAY, as I did with cabins, dining rooms, stores, etc.). And how would I change up the slugs of ALASKAN FRONTIER and FROM AFAR, because the Alaskan Frontier is a location, and is what is being filmed; FROM AFAR is just another way of saying something in the distance while keeping it short and sweet, correct?

About the characters: I kind of had a plan for each character, what would happen to them that would move the story on. The only real throw away character could be Markus, but even he is a bit important to the story. And I am going to work on tying in Michelle with the rest of the story when I get the time to rewrite this thing, and hopefully it works well (and you weren't the only one who mentioned this )

Yeah, I'm not much for the whole phobia of getting a worm in me when eating fish (though I do have it, but it's not so big as to where it turns me off from eating it), I just hate the taste of fish in general. Other seafood is good, though. Salmon on cruise ships are actually delicate meals and are considered a fancy one when it comes to the dining hours on cruise ships, and from experience, everyone seems to love it and everyone seems to get it.

Glad you like the gore. This is quite possibly my nastiest script and most brutal one as well. I actually put into thought how each person was going to go as to keep it fresh and not repetitive. I love horror movies that have to deal with people falling to their deaths as well because it's scary, even if it's not brutal or grotesque, it's the psychological aspect of it (everyone hates heights, especially falling from them—except for adrenaline junkies). Which is why I like Trent's death best.

Quoted Text - Why does Kellen wait for the elevator if the infected are using stairs? Wouldn't he do the same?

Just some more of that suspense factor, you know? Ha ha, but really in a situation like this, if the elevator is the closest thing to you, and it's one of the two things that's getting you higher than the zombies coming after you, then it'd probably be your first choice, rather than running to the same spot that the zombies are heading towards.

Quoted Text - Better not to have the girl slash Connor's throat. He wouldn't make it to the flames in this state.

True. Maybe I can just have her stab him in the throat, or something to handicap him in that kind of state.

Pusbags. My bad.

Thanks again for reading James! I've always known you for not really liking zombie movies (or at least the ones you reviewed. Actually, to be honest, I'm not really sure why I think that you don't like zombies, or zombie movies. Probably because I am crazy, but oh well), so I didn't think you'd read this script, or finish it, and since you did, I didn't think you'd like it. But hey, that's good, right? Ha ha, I dunno. ANYWAYS, thanks again, your comments are appreciated, as said before, and thanks again for giving your time to give this one a go.


Sean

Quoted from Zombie Sean Well, technically there are only about 4 locations. You have the Alaskan forest, the piers, the ocean, and the cruise ship. The cruise ship is then divided into sub-locations (decks, compartments, etc.). I don't really know how to write the slugs efficiently since there really isn't any location to them except for decks on the cruise ship (unless you wanted me to say DECK 5 - HALLWAY, as I did with cabins, dining rooms, stores, etc.). And how would I change up the slugs of ALASKAN FRONTIER and FROM AFAR, because the Alaskan Frontier is a location, and is what is being filmed; FROM AFAR is just another way of saying something in the distance while keeping it short and sweet, correct?

I guess ALASKAN FRONITER is okay. FROM AFAR should be ALASKAN FRONTIER too unless you just want to indicate it’s LATER in which case you should just use that. You can use a WS (WIDE SHOT) to indicate it’s from afar although that’s not a slug and should come after whatever slug you decide to use.

As for the rest, I’m not sure. I actually would use DECK 5 - HALLWAY. You jump around the decks constantly so it’s not like it’d be redundant. The fact is a cruise ship is an incredibly intricate location and some of your slugs are going to be on the long side.

My main issue with the slugs was the lack of INT/EXT. I know a lot of the time, it was obvious but as writers and readers, our eyes are instinctually drawn to those markers. Bold typeface works to an extent but like I said, I had to backtrack a few times.

Quoted from Zombie Sean Just some more of that suspense factor, you know? Ha ha, but really in a situation like this, if the elevator is the closest thing to you, and it's one of the two things that's getting you higher than the zombies coming after you, then it'd probably be your first choice, rather than running to the same spot that the zombies are heading towards.

I gotcha. I just didn’t understand why the dude stuck around when the elevator was so far up. He could’ve ran up a deck or two and tried to meet it halfway. At some point, he’s gotta stop waiting around.

Quoted from Zombie Sean True. Maybe I can just have her stab him in the throat, or something to handicap him in that kind of state.

Too much blood. Better he gets stabbed in the gut or something. He’d still be bleeding all over the place but wouldn’t die that quickly.

Quoted from Zombie Sean Thanks again for reading James! I've always known you for not really liking zombie movies (or at least the ones you reviewed. Actually, to be honest, I'm not really sure why I think that you don't like zombies, or zombie movies. Probably because I am crazy, but oh well), so I didn't think you'd read this script, or finish it, and since you did, I didn't think you'd like it. But hey, that's good, right? Ha ha, I dunno. ANYWAYS, thanks again, your comments are appreciated, as said before, and thanks again for giving your time to give this one a go.

Haha, you’ve got it all wrong, dude. I love zombie movies. Dead Alive is one of my favorite movies, period. So is Day of the Dead. Romero’s original trilogy is fucking classic and while I didn’t care for Land of the Dead, it had its moments. Fulci’s zombie movies weren’t as good as Romero’s but they had awesome gore scenes and I think Fulci zombies are the best of all zombies. I also love all the Resident Evil games.

I don’t really like modern zombie movies. I loved Shaun of the Dead and 28 Days Later was a masterpiece. The rest, I don’t much care for. Zombieland was fun and the DOTD remake had its moments but the old movies are way better. I also don’t like fast zombies. In 28 Days Later, they weren’t dead so it was okay. Otherwise, they don’t make sense and aren’t really scarier. Also, I think zombies look the same in all the new movies, which is totally boring.

I still have hope though...

I’m actually writing a zombie script later this year. I’ll make sure you get a sneak peak.

Quoted from James McClung I guess ALASKAN FRONITER is okay. FROM AFAR should be ALASKAN FRONTIER too unless you just want to indicate it�s LATER in which case you should just use that. You can use a WS (WIDE SHOT) to indicate it�s from afar although that�s not a slug and should come after whatever slug you decide to use. As for the rest, I�m not sure. I actually would use DECK 5 - HALLWAY. You jump around the decks constantly so it�s not like it�d be redundant. The fact is a cruise ship is an incredibly intricate location and some of your slugs are going to be on the long side. My main issue with the slugs was the lack of INT/EXT. I know a lot of the time, it was obvious but as writers and readers, our eyes are instinctually drawn to those markers. Bold typeface works to an extent but like I said, I had to backtrack a few times. I gotcha. I just didn�t understand why the dude stuck around when the elevator was so far up. He could�ve ran up a deck or two and tried to meet it halfway. At some point, he�s gotta stop waiting around. Too much blood. Better he gets stabbed in the gut or something. He�d still be bleeding all over the place but wouldn�t die that quickly. Haha, you�ve got it all wrong, dude. I love zombie movies. Dead Alive is one of my favorite movies, period. So is Day of the Dead. Romero�s original trilogy is fucking classic and while I didn�t care for Land of the Dead, it had its moments. Fulci�s zombie movies weren�t as good as Romero�s but they had awesome gore scenes and I think Fulci zombies are the best of all zombies. I also love all the Resident Evil games. I don�t really like modern zombie movies. I loved Shaun of the Dead and 28 Days Later was a masterpiece. The rest, I don�t much care for. Zombieland was fun and the DOTD remake had its moments but the old movies are way better. I also don�t like fast zombies. In 28 Days Later, they weren�t dead so it was okay. Otherwise, they don�t make sense and aren�t really scarier. Also, I think zombies look the same in all the new movies, which is totally boring. I still have hope though... I�m actually writing a zombie script later this year. I�ll make sure you get a sneak peak.

Is there a justifiable reason that you have left Return of the Living Dead off your list?

Because if there isn't, I'm going to tweak your testicles. >


Btw Sean this was a great little script. I really enjoyed it, I'd enjoy watching it as a film as well. It's kind of a mix of Aliens, 28 Days later, Quarantine and that other one set on a ship where lots of people die. Where there is a big thing that eats them like a snake...

Anyway. I've looked through the comments and I don't have much to add. I would agree that it's a bit talky at times and the dialogue sometimes has a tendency to repeat what we already know. However the dialogue is decent in itself, just needs a bit of a hacksaw IMO.

I thought the character intro's were a little long. Be better to introduce them more during the action as we go along.

The only two things I didn't really like was that Michelle was introduced so late (Are you sure a sick puppy like you doesn't want a zombie baby in there BTW? Ha ha. Imagine the scene where Michelle is dead and then one of them notices she's still moving and then POW, the infected baby comes out. Horrid) and making them split up into singles at the start. I get why you did it, but it felt a bit obvious.


I enjoyed the script a lot though, it was a lot of fun. Well done. It's put me in the mood to watch a god zombie film, which is a good sign.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Is there a justifiable reason that you have left Return of the Living Dead off your list? Because if there isn't, I'm going to tweak your testicles. >

It's so good that it goes without saying? Does that work for you? I'd like to avoid a tweaking.

Seriously though, I did love ROTLD. Punks and Tar Men FTW.

Quoted Text I guess ALASKAN FRONITER is okay. FROM AFAR should be ALASKAN FRONTIER too unless you just want to indicate it’s LATER in which case you should just use that. You can use a WS (WIDE SHOT) to indicate it’s from afar although that’s not a slug and should come after whatever slug you decide to use. As for the rest, I’m not sure. I actually would use DECK 5 - HALLWAY. You jump around the decks constantly so it’s not like it’d be redundant. The fact is a cruise ship is an incredibly intricate location and some of your slugs are going to be on the long side. My main issue with the slugs was the lack of INT/EXT. I know a lot of the time, it was obvious but as writers and readers, our eyes are instinctually drawn to those markers. Bold typeface works to an extent but like I said, I had to backtrack a few times.

Yeah, okay, I see what you are saying now. I'll take away the FROM AFAR slug, and should I use INT/EXT? I've already indicated that we're inside the cruise ship, and it should be obvious since the majority of the script is set in there, so I don't want it to come across as repetitive or anything.

Quoted Text Too much blood. Better he gets stabbed in the gut or something. He’d still be bleeding all over the place but wouldn’t die that quickly.

Good point. I'll fix that as well.

Quoted Text Haha, you’ve got it all wrong, dude. I love zombie movies. Dead Alive is one of my favorite movies, period. So is Day of the Dead. Romero’s original trilogy is fucking classic and while I didn’t care for Land of the Dead, it had its moments. Fulci’s zombie movies weren’t as good as Romero’s but they had awesome gore scenes and I think Fulci zombies are the best of all zombies. I also love all the Resident Evil games. I don’t really like modern zombie movies. I loved Shaun of the Dead and 28 Days Later was a masterpiece. The rest, I don’t much care for. Zombieland was fun and the DOTD remake had its moments but the old movies are way better. I also don’t like fast zombies. In 28 Days Later, they weren’t dead so it was okay. Otherwise, they don’t make sense and aren’t really scarier. Also, I think zombies look the same in all the new movies, which is totally boring. I still have hope though... I’m actually writing a zombie script later this year. I’ll make sure you get a sneak peak.

Ha ha okay, I am just crazy now thinking that you didn't like zombies or zombie movies (though, I'll admit it, I do like the running zombies better. Leaves more room for suspense). I loved the Dawn of the Dead remake, and 28 Days Later IS a masterpiece and don't like the fact that everyone considers them zombies when they're really people with anger management problems. I'll agree with you, Day of the Dead is possibly my favourite installment in the "...Dead" trilogy (I say trilogy because Land of the Dead and Diary of the Dead don't really count as they are 20+ years after the last film and don't really seem to feel as though they continue on with the series).

Believe it or not, I did not like Return of the Living Dead when I first watched it. I loved the second one though. It scared the shit out of me when I was watching it and I couldn't get to sleep after it. The first one I thought was just not so good and didn't really bother keeping it (but I kept it anyways). Now that I am older and I watched it again, it's just so good and great in every single way. I guess it was just because I wasn't so big on the talking zombie thing, but now that's grown on me and I find it funny.

Quoted Text Btw Sean this was a great little script. I really enjoyed it, I'd enjoy watching it as a film as well. It's kind of a mix of Aliens, 28 Days later, Quarantine and that other one set on a ship where lots of people die. Where there is a big thing that eats them like a snake... Anyway. I've looked through the comments and I don't have much to add. I would agree that it's a bit talky at times and the dialogue sometimes has a tendency to repeat what we already know. However the dialogue is decent in itself, just needs a bit of a hacksaw IMO. I thought the character intro's were a little long. Be better to introduce them more during the action as we go along. The only two things I didn't really like was that Michelle was introduced so late (Are you sure a sick puppy like you doesn't want a zombie baby in there BTW? Ha ha. Imagine the scene where Michelle is dead and then one of them notices she's still moving and then POW, the infected baby comes out. Horrid) and making them split up into singles at the start. I get why you did it, but it felt a bit obvious. I enjoyed the script a lot though, it was a lot of fun. Well done. It's put me in the mood to watch a god zombie film, which is a good sign.

Thanks for reading, dec. Glad you enjoyed the read. I can see where you get the "Aliens" feel, but I have no idea what you're talking about when it comes to a thing that eats people like a snake, ha ha. I am working on cutting down dialogue and fixing character intros, plus Michelle's late entrance. I just need time, because I am busy with school and work and everything. It sucks. It's taken away the no-life I had before, and made it an even more no-life than before.

A zombie baby would be a huge WTF moment, and as creative an idea it is, I would never do that, ha ha. I loved the zombie baby moment in the Dawn of the Dead remake, and I don't think any homage I could pay to it would ever surpass or come near the greatness that the DOTD remake produced.

Hope you enjoyed the zombie movie you watched (if you ever did get up and watch one. I want to now )

Sean

SPOILER ALERT

Sean,

I enjoyed your script overall. Zombies aren't normally my kind of thing, but having it contained on the boat was a nice little twist and I very much enjoyed the bookend stuff with the video cameras. I think the prologue could actually be extended and could serve to introduce a couple of the characters a little earlier, such as the captain of Hien, even if it is just for a second or two that way when they enter the story later on, we have that flash of recognition that would make character introductions feel a little less clunky.

I do have a couple of gripes, the first and most major is the character of Michelle. Considering how important she becomes towards the end, you absolutely need to introduce her much, much earlier. Having her come into the story so late and then to have this instantaneous bond with the Britt character was very clumsy and awkward and that whole bathroom scene brought the script to a complete stop. The relationship between Britt and Michelle is obviously important for the emotional story, but it needs time to grow and to feel real, that way when Britt reveals her story and motivations later on, it will feel like you've really earned that emotional punchline, rather than having it feel like it was just thrown in. That's the tricky thing with character's emotions, you can't just put them in there. You've really got to work to earn it and make it feel genuine.

Another thing that kind of bugged me was the opening of the story. The Coast Guard is called out to investigate the cruise liner because it's drifting into shipping lanes and stopping other boats? Wouldn't it seem more urgent that all contact had been lost with the Solium and that something bad must have happened? Now I have absolutely no experience or knowledge of shipping regulations, particularly in North America, but it seems to me that losing all contact with a ship is a better explanation as to why the Coast Guard is brought in.

My third (and final, I promise) gripe is the search and rescue sequence. You basically have five or six different characters wandering around five or six different parts of the ship. I know the whole horror movie splitting up thing has been brought up in other's reviews, so I won't do that here. But this sequences seems to me horribly repetitive. There are pages and pages of characters wandering through identical settings, down corridors, searching cabins, down more corridors, searching more cabins. This is a cruise liner, why not have them search in a variety of locations? Have them search through the kitchens and the engine rooms, have them go up to the officer's deck, or through one of the gyms or through the cargo hold. There must be a million locations on the cruise ship that you haven't taken advantage of here and I think it would be much more interesting to see those places, get that creepy atmosphere pumping. It'll open the script up more, give it a greater sense of scope and scale.

Having said all that, I did like this script and enjoyed it thoroughly. I had fun with some of the characters (particularly Connor and what a bastard he was) and thought the emotional through-line between Britt and Dean worked very well. Good action, really fun and imaginative gore and best of all it was a nice fresh twist on something we've all seen a million times before, especially with providing an explanation for the infection with the parasites and how they spread and where they came from. That was cool. The story flowed nicely and you had some really great visuals (Lori's death scene comes to mind.) So... sequel?