Quoted from Zombie Sean Thanks for reading, dec. Glad you enjoyed the read. I can see where you get the "Aliens" feel, but I have no idea what you're talking about when it comes to a thing that eats people like a snake, ha ha. I am working on cutting down dialogue and fixing character intros, plus Michelle's late entrance. I just need time, because I am busy with school and work and everything. It sucks. It's taken away the no-life I had before, and made it an even more no-life than before.

For the record, I think it was Deep Rising:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118956/

It was a decent action/horror flick. Better than the IMDb score suggests, although not a classic by any means.

Hey Matt, sorry for not responding faster. I'm slacking, I'm sorry But thanks for reading, sir!

Quoted Text I enjoyed your script overall. Zombies aren't normally my kind of thing, but having it contained on the boat was a nice little twist and I very much enjoyed the bookend stuff with the video cameras. I think the prologue could actually be extended and could serve to introduce a couple of the characters a little earlier, such as the captain of Hien, even if it is just for a second or two that way when they enter the story later on, we have that flash of recognition that would make character introductions feel a little less clunky.

You know, you can always make a B- or C-movie more interesting if it is set in a place or area where you normally wouldn't see it happen. Snakes on a plane, for instance. Or more so up this alley, zombies on a plane. They've done it, and I loved that movie. It was so much fun to watch. So why not do zombies on a cruise ship? Let's do it!

Also you do bring up a good point about showing a flash of the characters that will be seen later in the script (Hien serving the wine, Marcus in the background, etc.). Maybe I can do that so, like you said, you can recognise them later in the script (the question is, do I introduce them there, or wait until they actually are the main focus on camera?)

The Britt-Dean-Michelle scene and Michelle's late entrance has been brought up many times, so I won't go into detail about it, but I'll have you know that I am working on it.

Quoted Text Another thing that kind of bugged me was the opening of the story. The Coast Guard is called out to investigate the cruise liner because it's drifting into shipping lanes and stopping other boats? Wouldn't it seem more urgent that all contact had been lost with the Solium and that something bad must have happened? Now I have absolutely no experience or knowledge of shipping regulations, particularly in North America, but it seems to me that losing all contact with a ship is a better explanation as to why the Coast Guard is brought in.

That was my first idea when I started writing this, but some people brought up good points that if they lost contact with Solium and sent out a search and rescue team, they'd send out many more coast guards than just a handful like we have right now because a cruise ship holds over two thousand passengers and crew, so you need a bigger search team. So I went in the direction that they haven't really lost contact with it yet, but they're just going to check it out as it is just sitting in the middle of the water.

Quoted Text My third (and final, I promise) gripe is the search and rescue sequence. You basically have five or six different characters wandering around five or six different parts of the ship. I know the whole horror movie splitting up thing has been brought up in other's reviews, so I won't do that here. But this sequences seems to me horribly repetitive. There are pages and pages of characters wandering through identical settings, down corridors, searching cabins, down more corridors, searching more cabins. This is a cruise liner, why not have them search in a variety of locations? Have them search through the kitchens and the engine rooms, have them go up to the officer's deck, or through one of the gyms or through the cargo hold. There must be a million locations on the cruise ship that you haven't taken advantage of here and I think it would be much more interesting to see those places, get that creepy atmosphere pumping. It'll open the script up more, give it a greater sense of scope and scale.

I was going to include some scenes including the gym and the upper deck area, but I couldn't find a way to get them established, so I just stuck with being indoors, sort of a more confined space, where you only have one way to go (such as if one end of the hallway is packed with infected people, you have only one other direction to go...Kind of a claustrophobic feel?)

Quoted Text Having said all that, I did like this script and enjoyed it thoroughly. I had fun with some of the characters (particularly Connor and what a bastard he was) and thought the emotional through-line between Britt and Dean worked very well. Good action, really fun and imaginative gore and best of all it was a nice fresh twist on something we've all seen a million times before, especially with providing an explanation for the infection with the parasites and how they spread and where they came from. That was cool. The story flowed nicely and you had some really great visuals (Lori's death scene comes to mind.) So... sequel?

I'm glad you enjoyed it! I'm glad you have fun reading it because I had fun writing it. Lori's death is one of my favourites (right after Trent's, my all-time) and when thinking it, I got a little creeped out myself. But thanks for reading and giving your time to give your critique as well!

Sean

Hey Sean,

I'm currently reading this. Something popped inot mind that I needed to address before I forget. On pg. 18, when Sky looses his walkie talkie, I don't think that will happen. I don't think people will be playing around at that time. lol. I know why you did it ( to lose the walkie talkie) but I think there's a better eay of handling this. Just something to note.

Gabe

Gabe,

I hope you've enjoyed what you've read so far. Sorry for the late-ish response, it's been a busy month for me. You do bring up a good point about that action, but I'm glad you understood the reason why I did it. I have thought of a thing or two to make him lose the walkie-talkie, so I will change that when I find the time to revise this script! Ugh, time...!


Sean

Well I won't bore you with a lengthy response as most of my criticisms have already been dealt with by other members. These are definitely things you will want to look at since they are being addressed again and again.

There was quite a bit of double wording and repetitiveness in your narrative descriptions. Often times within the very same sentences.

The use of mini slugs over scene headings... I just wasn't feeling it. It was very distracting and I think you can handle it more creatively. Especially when you're doing reaction takes over multiple decks and multiple characters. Maybe handle it like a series of shots format and trim them down.

Some of the dialogue was off but nothing that was terrible by any means.

I would trim back the narrative and tweek the dialogue. I think it would go a long way to tightening up the story and help it flow better.

You have a great story and great characters but I think you would benefit from a better understanding of screenplay structure. I felt that it threw the pacing off a bit and your plot points were either late or non existent. There just doesn't seem to be anything propelling the story forward or throwing us into the next act or progression of the story. It was just more of the same once we became exposed to the infected.

With that out of the way, I really liked this story. You did a great job of building up some tension and the gore was excellent. I gave a shudder when they ripped the kids head off and cracked it open on the stairs to get to the brains.

Your characters are nicely done and I had no real problems with the way you presented them. I had a LOL moment when Connor tried to kick the door in.

One thing I might suggest to make the history between Dean and Britt more painful is perhaps she had a miscarriage (multiple miscarriages) or a still born. This would also strengthen the pay off for her reaction to Michelle and better justify her motivation to protect her at all costs.

Well done and I look forward to reading Dispatch,
John

John,

Thanks for reading, and thank you for sparing me with a short response

I can't help but get repetitive when it comes to descriptions because I, for some reason, don't expand my vocabulary and try to keep it simple. I guess it's just easier for me, but then again...

I guess I'm really the only one when it comes to the mini-slugs. I thought that it'd be easier to follow, but I guess they do come out as distracting and it's definitely something I need to change. Gotta figure out how now..

Working on the plot points and them coming in earlier and stuff. Don't worry

I'm glad you like the characters and the deaths. I wanted to try and focus on the characters (besides the gore) in this one, and really give them each their own traits. And I'll work on the whole deal with Britt and Dean, and I just have to re-plan.

I'm real busy at the moment since school is occurring so I don't really have too much time on my hands for writing scripts, so I really want to try and get started on the re-write very soon when I can find the time. It just sucks, I hate not having any free time anymore. But that's the real world, I guess!

Thanks again, John, for reading. I hope you enjoy Dispatch if you get to it!

Sean

I stopped reading after thirty pages.  And here's why:

I've read a quarter of the script and I have yet to meet the big bad in the story.  Are they zombies?  Demons?  Flesh-eating bacteria?  We have no idea.  All we have is a massacre on a cruiseliner and it's being investigated by McHale's Navy...

Which brings me to my next problem.  The Coast Guard is a branch of the military.  They have their own version of boot camp and ranks and all that cool stuff that the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines have.  Yet you make them out like a bunch of drunken frat brothers from Alpha Kappa Fuknut.  Atleast in F-Troop, O'Rourke and Agarn saluted their C.O..  In your story, Connor is only a double-dare away from slapping his C.O. with his penis.

All of your characters are extremely cliche.  I've seen them in dozens of other movies.  The only one that was missing was the religious black dude.  We know who lives and who dies because we've watched them live or die in other movies.  The worst part was that you introduced these characters in an extremely on-the-nose, pointing out their cliches.  The only thing missing here was their IMDB listings, telling us what previous movies they died in.

Getting back to the Coast Guard, while I have never been a member, it's obvious that you haven't been either.  Dean commented on the weaponry, on page 8, is proof of this.  Coast Guard vessels are armed in a uniformed fashion.  It's not a case of let's-pack-as-much-firepower-as-we-can-without-sinking.  All Interceptors will have the same weaponry.

Dean's arrival on the Interceptor was unrealistic.  He just pops in and says, "I'm taking command?"  That doesn't sound fake to you?  Wouldn't Britt receive orders through better channels than this?  A radio message?  A fax?  Anything?

And when the crew arrives on the Solium and see that it looks like a butcher shop, what do they do?  They split up!  If anything happens to one of them, no one will know. Any killer on board can wipe them all out without even trying.  Securing he area would be priority, even before looking for survivors.  Giving the circumstances, I can't imagine them searching the ship without backup.

I wish I could be more positive with this script, Sean, but it needs work. Your descriptions of the scenes are good; this is probably your strength.  I think you just need to work on your characterization and do a little research before you work on the script.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Hey Sean.

Must be me. Must be PMS'ing or sumting. Maybe slow or just fikk! Dunno, dunno, dunno. Just doesn't hang write wid moi. Sorry mate for d tooth time. Aldough I think the idea is v.v. goot!

Em.

Phil,

Honestly, I didn't expect you to read this. Didn't think it'd be your cup of tea, but then again, you have been throwing up some zombie scripts lately (which I need to start reading. You know how I like a good zombie story).

I am currently working on the next draft for this (FINALLY), so I am taking everybody's comments into consideration. My main focus is on the sluglines as I edit the script at the moment. Once I am done with those easy fixes, I can start working on the more technical aspects of the script (characters, plot, etc.).

I wanted to kind of go with the stereotypical army-type characters, the ones where they're more laid-back with their job. Yeah, it seems professional, but I thought it kept the characters more interesting. Unrealistic, yes. But then again, I've never served in the coast guard. I don't really know much about it, which is another problem I faced with this script. I always heard the whole "write what you know" stuff, but I actually did a lot of research about the coast guard and gathered up as much information as I could about it (or tried to), and I tried using it to my advantage. Mainly with the technical stuff (the equipment they use and the transportation and kind of what they do in their job). But I wanted the story to go that way rather than focusing on just survivors on the ship and turning it into an [even more] over done zombie flick.

The set up is long, but I just wanted character development for that and try and create any tension possible before things suddenly bang and everyone starts dying. It may be slow, but really, once the first person is offed, it really doesn't stop from there. It may be a bit slow in parts, but I am going to fix that up in this next rewrite.

I even changed the look of the inside of the ship when they first get inside. No massacre, all clean. You did bring up a good point about that. Plus, the whole splitting up thing really makes sense since you pointed that out, so if it didn't look like a massacre, it wouldn't be as stupid of a reason if they did split up.

Sorry that you had nothing really positive to say about the script, but that's okay. Everything said was helpful, and that's what I am looking for. Hopefully, if you give the next draft a read, you'll enjoy it (and maybe even finish it   )

emcee,

...okay? I don't really know what I got out of that post of yours, but...thanks? Glad you like the idea...



Sean

I'd tone down the stereotypes, at the least, especially with the asshole character.  And try not to do the dining table introductions.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe I'd tone down the stereotypes, at the least, especially with the asshole character.  And try not to do the dining table introductions. Phil

Will do, kangaroo. And I've already fixed the "dining table" introductions, so it should work out much better.


Sean

Hey everyone, just a heads up: thanks to Don, a new draft for this is up and running. There aren't too many changes. The only big one was introducing Michelle earlier in the script and a couple small other changes.

Enjoy!

Sean

Hello Sean,

19 years old and five drafts. Wow, that's discipline!
I like the premise of zombies on a cruise ship, neat idea.
I have ine piece of advice I'd like to share, it has served me well.

Get into a scene as late as you can and get out of it as early as you can.
It's helped me revise my work and tighten up pacing, good luck!

Right, I do try and do that. I really like a lot of talking in my scripts to build character development, so I go through my scripts often and try and pick out as much as I can in order to help move my scenes along faster.

Sean