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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Solium Moderators: bert
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  Author    Solium  (currently 6398 views)
Don
Posted: December 20th, 2009, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Solium by SeanElwood (thedeadwalk2nite) - Horror - A team of US Coast Guards are sent to check out a stalled cruise liner in the middle of the frigid Alaskan waters, and they soon find out that something went horribly wrong on the "Solium of the Seas". All aboard the cruise ship to Hell. 116 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  September 8th, 2010, 7:19pm
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Grandma Bear
Posted: December 20th, 2009, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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Most people nowadays might know him better as Zombie Sean.

[Nice catch, Pia.  Fixed.  bert]


Btw, I think he did really good with this one!  


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Zombie Sean
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Don, thanks for getting this up. This is the most worked on script I've ever written, took about five months to finally get to where it is today. I went through a couple drafts, with the help from Michael Cornetto and Pia (Pia helped so much that I wanted to give her credit as well, but she denied it ), so hopefully this one works best with anyone who gives it a read.

Pia, I thought about using Zombie Sean as my username, but for all of my scripts I've written thedeadwalk2nite because it's my original username, and I love traditions, so I just kept it with thedeadwalk2nite. And towards your comment about the script, thanks!

Sean

[sigh...fixed it back, then.  Sheesh. bert]

[Oh bert, stop it . Sean]

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Zombie Sean  -  December 20th, 2009, 10:55pm
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stevie
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Hi Sean. I read the first few pages and I'm in!  I will read it over xmas and post a review.



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grademan
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Hey Sean,

I liked Solium! Congrats on finishing a feature script. It must feel pretty good.

Some comments:

-- Solium isn’t the best title for this as it implies a sci-fi theme. To me anyway.

-- The introduction of the Coast Guards was confusing to me. This would probably be easier on film where I can see the different characters. Your descriptions were good and different enough but it was kind of like seeing your first Star Trek episode when you try to figure who’s who on the landing party and who’s expendable and who isn’t. Once I figured out they were intros in about order of importance, I was cool.

-- If the infected were so smart, why didn’t they take the Coast Guard boat or helicopter before and simply spread from those points? An advance attack force.

[BTW, it would have been awesome to see the Solium be the ship that runs into the ship at berth in Rob’s story THE BAY. Talk about a cluster fuck!]

-- The Coast Guard SWAT team was a different twist. Not quite Navy Seals. Good choice.

-- Gore was good. Each event a step above each proceeding event though I am not sure Hien would have hung on for as long as he did.

-- The obligatory scene on a cruise ship: The long fall a la Poseidon Adventure with a twist this time.

-- The new guy (TRENT) is always expendable after he provides key medical conclusions.

-- Interesting how one of the CG, ran when faced with the infected. I liked it. I would have run too. And I would have been killed even quicker.

-- Some great scenes: Cyrus screaming and the reactions to it, Cyrus’s hand, the lady cutting off Kellen’s finger, 2 vs 2,000, and a few more.

-- I was confused by the infected desires to spread their kind but at the same time main and kill their potential hosts. Kind of liked that.

-- I dislike “beat” for pauses. At least you didn’t overdo it. My hang up, I’ll suffer by myself.

-- The bolds confused me too at the beginning because the scene headings weren’t bolded but then it settled down. Were only locations, not scene headings bolded?

-- Dialogue. Longish in spots. Melissa’s quirky first spouting could have been simply “I’m pregnant” and let that sink in with the audience.

-- The scene with everyone crying over Melissa/Britt’s tragedy was of doubtful impact. I am not sure you could get tears out of a group of people in this ship. Maybe. Maybe not.

-- No qualms about the story except maybe the end was a little too cute with the two kids with the camera but you fixed that when the ship crashed into land.

-- P.19 only typo I found “gabs” should be “grabs”

-- Wording was a bit off for me but that’s a style thing. I think it’s a difference in word choice. You say "Kellen prepares to fight" and I say "Kellen tenses -- ready to fight."

Not bad, Sean, not bad at all.

Gary


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Zombie Sean
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Quoted from grademan
I liked Solium! Congrats on finishing a feature script. It must feel pretty good.


Thanks for reading and I'm glad you liked it! Yes, it does feel good, since this is the longest I've spent on a feature length script, and it's nice to finally get it up on here.


Quoted Text
-- Solium isn�t the best title for this as it implies a sci-fi theme. To me anyway.


I see where you're at, but I just liked the name Solium (plus, it's a type of parasite, so I figured it'd help with the story )


Quoted Text
-- The introduction of the Coast Guards was confusing to me. This would probably be easier on film where I can see the different characters. Your descriptions were good and different enough but it was kind of like seeing your first Star Trek episode when you try to figure who�s who on the landing party and who�s expendable and who isn�t. Once I figured out they were intros in about order of importance, I was cool.


The way I had been seeing it in my head (with this most recent draft) I imagined sort of a like a documentary type, with the camera being handheld, focusing on only the introduced characters (that's why there's (O.S.) by Dean's name when he talks). Yeah, the characters are also sorta introduced from most important to least important (with a few exceptions). But I can understand where you'd get confused, with so many characters being introduced at once, it's hard to keep up with it. This was one of the biggest problems in my script, introducing the characters in a way that the reader can keep up with them.


Quoted Text
-- If the infected were so smart, why didn�t they take the Coast Guard boat or helicopter before and simply spread from those points? An advance attack force.


That's a good assumption on what happened with the CG boat when they went back to check and find it missing...


Quoted Text
[BTW, it would have been awesome to see the Solium be the ship that runs into the ship at berth in Rob�s story THE BAY. Talk about a cluster fuck!]


Ha ha, that would be pretty sweet, sorta the two scripts connecting together.


Quoted Text
-- The Coast Guard SWAT team was a different twist. Not quite Navy Seals. Good choice.


I know, I was hoping those who read this see more of a SWAT team going on the ship, rather than the Navy Seals or just people on patrol, because I wanted more of a Resident Evil look and feel to it when it came to how they dressed and with their weapons and whatnot.


Quoted Text
-- Gore was good. Each event a step above each proceeding event though I am not sure Hien would have hung on for as long as he did.


Glad you liked the gore, I think this might be my most disgusting script I've written so far. You're right about Hien, but hey, I've never been skinned alive before, so who knows how long the human body can last through that kind of carnage? (both mentally and physically).


Quoted Text
-- Interesting how one of the CG, ran when faced with the infected. I liked it. I would have run too. And I would have been killed even quicker.


Good thing you went along with that. I don't think a lot of people would expect these tough guys to run, but in all honesty, when you're dealing with something you have no idea about, and you have all these people charging at you, all fucked up and whatnot, I would probably run as well.


Quoted Text
-- The bolds confused me too at the beginning because the scene headings weren�t bolded but then it settled down. Were only locations, not scene headings bolded?


Looking at the script, I only have about three main locations which I think require slugs. And when you're stuck with these locations, I focused more on the area of that location, which is bolded, rather than using a slug every time I switched from deck to deck. I thought it'd make things a bit cleaner and more comprehensible on where the characters are at.


Quoted Text
-- Dialogue. Longish in spots. Melissa�s quirky first spouting could have been simply �I�m pregnant� and let that sink in with the audience.


Yeah, I see what you're saying, but I felt as though there needed to be a little more explanation just for anything that she was doing and a bit of a background for her.


Quoted Text
-- The scene with everyone crying over Melissa/Britt�s tragedy was of doubtful impact. I am not sure you could get tears out of a group of people in this ship. Maybe. Maybe not.


Pia pointed out the same thing, and basically you have Michelle crying for the possible loss of her family, Britt's unstable emotion about creating a family, and everyone else just realising that they're pretty much fucked.


Thanks again, Gary, for taking the time to read this. I'll fix up that typo (I read over this script a good number of times and tried to pick out as many typos as I could find, so thanks for pointing that one out), and as always, your comments and criticism are greatly appreciated.

Sean
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sniper
Posted: December 30th, 2009, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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Hey Sean,

I�m about halfway through Solium and I just want to give you my initial thoughts (btw. I looked up the word Solium and found out that there's this parasite called Taenia solium which is a pork tapeworm of all things, obviously this has nothing to do with your script, I just felt like sharing that...for some reason).

Powerful opening scene - liked that one a lot cos' you hit the ground running which is always good. But...salmon? You sure you couldn't find something more interesting for them to talk about? I personally like salmon but...not in a script, dawg. Having the opening scene shot through a camera (jeez, how else would you do it? You know what I mean), the obvious question will always be: why does he keep filming? When the woman falls, why doesn't he put the camera down? But I guess this is how it's done nowadays in movies (Cloverfield), so I personally don't have any problems with that.

BEGIN WEAPON RANT

What I do have a problem with is your weaponry. You mention that the Coast Guards have M16s, M4s and the Remington. That's cool, all of them are part of the Coast Guard's weaponry, but since this is for a movie, you really want your guns to either sound awesome or look cool. The Remington (shotgun) obvisouly sounds awesome and the M4 is probably the coolest assualt rifle ever designed, with the scope and shit (I mean, look at it, it just makes whoever's carrying it look bad-motherfucking-ass)...then there's the M16. No no no no no, that's about the gayest looking assualt rifle ever (the AK is not far behind). Not only does it look like a toy, it also sounds like one. Even though the M16 and M4 are really the same weapon, the M4 just looks waaaay better. So please, lose the M16, Sean. For me?

GAY


COOL


UBER-COOL


END WEAPON RANT

God, it felt great to get that out of the system. Quite anal, wasn't it?

Okay, moving on. After the opening scene things slow down a bit too much and it actually takes quite a while before the pace picks up again. You introduce a lot of characters early on and I did have some problems keeping up with who's who. Maybe you could introduce them in chunks so to speak, maybe three at the time. Also, there's a lot of exposition through dialogue in that scene on the Interceptor. Characters telling what they're like instead of you showing it. Also, I think I counted three times in a short time span where Connor is called a "dick". I don't think that was necessary.

I think in general you could cut down on the dialogue, there's too much redundancy where the same thing is shown/told in the action or throgh the dialouge. Here's an example:


Quoted from Solium, pg. 41
          DEAN
I�ll call for Lori and have her
find Cyrus.
     (Into walkie-talkie)
Hey, Lori, you there?

Or he could just call Lori without telling that he's doing it, you know? There are other instances like this. It's not a huge problem but it does hurt a bit.

You could probably save the scene where they find out that the Interceptor is gone for later. I think it would work better, raise the tension, if they find that out when they're trying to leave and not before the shit hits the fan.

I understand what you�re doing with your slugs, I mean it makes sense since it�s basically one interior shot. But sometimes you are using double slugs like:

Quoted from Solium, pg. 38
DECK 5
DINING HALL - NIGHT

I would personally do it like this: DECK 5 - DINING HALL - NIGHT. Just a suggestion.

Overall I think you're doing really well in establishing the creepyness of the ship as they walk around in the corridors, nicely done. Some scary shit's about to happen. Tears her face off? Fuck me! Awesome scene.

Okay, I'm up to page 46 and all hell has broken loose - which means everything's good

Stay tuned for more.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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rendevous
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Can guns be gay? Do they mince and send their bullets off in a campy way? Fond of colourful straps, Shirley Bassey and glitter?

Back on topic. My second zombie jobby in the last few weeks. They're like buses in Manchester - you wait for ages then a couple come along together.

'Bout half way myself now. I'm gonna start it again shortly as I got a little confused. Not your fault, mine for being slack and easily distracted.

Good though. Interesting in that's a lot different than Rob's 'The Bay'

I'll be back in a few days. Good work so far.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

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Quoted from rendevous
Can guns be gay? Do they mince and send their bullets off in a campy way? Fond of colourful straps, Shirley Bassey and glitter?

Actually, and this may be surprising to most, but, yeah. That's exactly what they do. Of course, most of them look like this though:




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Scar Tissue Films
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Quoted from rendevous
Can guns be gay? Do they mince and send their bullets off in a campy way? Fond of colourful straps, Shirley Bassey and glitter?

Back on topic. My second zombie jobby in the last few weeks. They're like buses in Manchester - you wait for ages then a couple come along together.

'Bout half way myself now. I'm gonna start it again shortly as I got a little confused. Not your fault, mine for being slack and easily distracted.

Good though. Interesting in that's a lot different than Rob's 'The Bay'

I'll be back in a few days. Good work so far.

R


You're from the Republic of Mancunia?

Me too. Are you anyone I know?
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rendevous
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Dec

I'm not Tony Wilson. He's dead.

I dunno if you know me. You go that dodgy club behind the bookies?


Quoted from sniper

Actually, and this may be surprising to most, but, yeah. That's exactly what they do. Of course, most of them look like this though:


Your pic didn't work, but it's too good to miss. I added to my site as I can be good like that..

Now that's a gay gun. I bet it's real fun at parties.





R


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Alright, Sean, since I haven't read any of you work in quite some time - I figured I would give this one a read.

Pretty damn good set up. Connor is hilarious, and probably my favorite character so far. Everyone else is developing nicely... good job so far. I do have to agree with the shitload of characters being introduced in the beginning, but I understand. It wasn't too much of a problem. Did turn me off on reading this before, but once you get through it - it's not to bad. Great descriptions also!

pg. 23 as of right now. I'm still going with Connor as my favorite "this fucker is gonna get us killed". But I also like Trent to. I have someone named Trent that goes to my school, and he's pretty much just like this. Great stuff so far man.

Hitting 41 - this is reading faster then most scripts I usually read. Which is real good. So far, you've creeped the fuck out of me. I was a little disappointed then Cyrus was knocked off, and we didn't see him go out in a shi-bang. But then again, maybe it is a little typical to have the toughest character survive long because... he's presumed to be the badass. Did I just point out originality? Who knows! You did get a little cheesy when Amber found Don. I hate it when characters who aren't evil, creep up on other characters. It's like, couldn't you have said something? Sorry, I'm just to damn realistic. I doesn't really need to be changed, I'm just a nagger. lol

Man... Kellen got fucked up. GREAT FUCKING KILL! I feel bad for the guy.
Wow.... BEATRICE IS A BITCH. Hope she gets a good death.
Ah... Don is drunk. Make's a little more sense on why he creepily creeped up.

"Nice going, you crazy bitch! That�s
them! They�re coming! I can�t run
in this condition!"
  - Possibly my favorite line so far.

On pg. 61 - I'm pretty sure you reference Don as Dean a couple of times (as he tries to grab the bottles)

God damn it? Really? Connor just had to fucking close the doors on Amber. Way to make him unlikable anymore Sean. You bastard!

DUN! DUN! DUN! DUN DUN DUN DUN! Salmon? Pretty good little explanation. I was wondering what the hell started all of this. It's a little cheesy, but I will buy it.

Pretty tense moment here with the climbing down the decks. I'd be a little worried also. Though that's why you shouldn't have killed of Kellen so early. He's the one who's afraid of heights.

I thought the whole crying scene worked out perfectly. Everyone pretty much had a reason to do that, and if I were in the same position... I would have been bawling my fucking eyes out earlier.

Damn you sean! ANOTHER FAVORITE CHARACTER KILLED.
I swear, if Don dies - I will be angry!

You son of a bitch....

----------------------------

Alrighty, just finished that. Very quick read - and very fucking entertaining. That was gross, bloody, funny, etc... it was just fucking great. The ending was my least favorite part. I loved the fact that Britt and Dean are the last two, both still infected, and end up dying heroes. It was pretty bad ass. I was pissed that Don had to die though. This was pretty narly, and there was twists and turns all over the place. I loved it!

The one thing that bugs me... Michelle? Really? She's introduced into the game a whole lot later then everyone else - and has the least amount of character development then anyone else. The only thing special about her is the baby. She's pregnant. I thought it was great how Britt wanted to protect her. I just feel Michelle should be introduced a little earlier, so we get the feel for her a little more.

Otherwise, everything else is pretty good. The way I expected everyone to die was completely different - so cheers on trying to not be predictable. And those were some good, creative kills.  The character development was great (except for you know who). I feel like there should be some more drunken thoughts from Don. He stayed quiet a lot through the whole thing. Otherwise, great work. I didn't find any typos (and I'm pretty good at that when its not my work) and great descriptions.

Oh and a few quick words on the ending. I thought the way you did it was perfect (the ship crashing into the pier) and the whole worm crawling on the video camera was gross and awesome. It's just.. he would have dropped the camera. A lot earlier. Like, maybe, when his girlfriend was getting attacked? I don't know. If you changed it and made it shorter. I'd be fine with it. I'm fine with the way it is now, it's just - I really doubt he would have sat there and watched his girlfriend get attacked.


What am I working on?!?
Splatter - Revisions
Bad Hare - Writing
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The beginning dialogue about the salmon is maybe a tad long and on the nose.
When the lady crashes, her arms bend in impossible directions, as does her arms.  Should be as do.
‘every one is still from where they were’  when they hear the scream.  That sentence doesn’t make much sense.
P5  Pretty sure you don’t refer to steering a boat as driving.  Piloting maybe.  
Also the way you introduce the other crew members is a tad awkward, they seem to come out of nowhere.
Having all the characters formally introduce themselves is a little weird, seems a tad unrealistic to me.  Kind of like a cheap way to introduce them.  With Conner you did better, his character was explained through the others reactions to him, and his dialogue.  Would be nice to do the others in the same way.
P16 It looks smaller than from the ones I’ve seen. Need to delete from.

Not to get into the whole sexuality of firearms debate, but most guys that actually depend on weapons lean towards less gadgets attached to the weapon rails.  Especially on the ocean where rust, battery life, and weight are pretty serious issues.
But I’m sure if this was ever made, whatever was listed specifically in the script wont matter either way.

Walkie talkies don’t have stations, they have frequencies.
The GPS cords would include several decimals.  I would guess that it being a ship they would include a vector as well.
M4s and M16s don’t use clips, they use magazines.  And yes, there is a difference.  

Really?  Splitting up?  Really??

DECK 7
Amber, already ready for action.  That’s a lot of ready.

P32 amber slides her car into the slot, should be card.
Very nicely done with loris death, lights fading in and out. Creepy shite
“you cant make a guy like him scream like that.”  You use that line twice.

And once they start dying they still stayed split up?  And send kellen to go find what happened to cyrus all alone?  Really?

Need to rethink the separation thing.  Maybe take separate elevators, or someone refuses to trust elevators.  Then one elevator gets stuck on lower floor.  Getting them separated is all good, but just a tad ludicrous to imagine the boss sending them all out alone on purpose to hunt for ‘pirates’

Seems like finding the two survivors one after another was a little easy.  Maybe put one before cyrus dies.  So they find a survivor, then cyrus finds his, which turns out to be bad, then they find the other.

Several parts of the writing could be simplified a bit.  Example: His body hits
the twisted metal art sculpture hanging over the lobby.
Kellen’s scream cuts off as his body smashes into the
sculpture.  Those two sentences would probably be better as just one, ‘Kellens scream cuts off as his body smashes into the twisted metal art sculpture.’
Also right after that, you have his scream get weaker after it was already cut off.  Then it cuts off again.  Need to clarify.

I like having the zombies actually be smart.  Makes them a little more human and scarier too.

P65  might want to clarify the whole kellen pulling off his own face, at first I thought he was pulling conners, then another moment to realize it was just his face.    Had to read it twice.
You say he face’s down.  Should be either faces down, or better, is face down.

That’s up to page 72, I'll finish the rest later.  So far the biggest issue I have is the believability of some of the coast guard actions.  Also in your comments you say they are basically a swat team, but I dont remember that being explained in the script.  might want to clarify that they are a pirate response team or something to that effect.  because they dont really act like your everyday coast guard members, and seem to have a pretty different skill set.  
Other than the issues around the characters I like it alot.  Very good kill scenes, and generally creepy vibe.  I could see this being pretty damn good.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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P74  Britt empties her gun into the glass door?  That they want to hold?
Might want to introduce the parasites a little earlier, even if its just a quick visual of some worms wriggling amongst all the dead bodies.
Yea definitely agree theres no reason for michelle to go into a page long spiel about being pregnant.  Just saying I’m pregnant would be fine.
I’m all for Britt being into saving the pregnant chick, I’m guessing that has something to do with her and dean obviously.  But her speechifying and the others reaction is a little long and silly.  I don’t think theres a reason to be taking us out of the action for this long.  You could make the same points much more concisely and smoothly, imo.
Yea, then you go right into her explaining everything with dean.  It’s a fine backstory, but them just telling random people all about it?  Right in the middle of a parasitic zombie pirate attack?  I would spread out the two events and have a little better lead up to her spilling her guts.
Damn then everyone cries.  You’re killing me with all this emotional stuff.
Couple scenes with skinning, especially of the face.  Not bad, but maybe a tad repetitive.
Who’s wes?  Not sure you introduced him properly.
Don handing the gun to michelle seemed a little forced.  Maybe have him laughing and relieved, she takes the gun away before he accidently shoots anyone, or something like that.  Just how its written its kind of an obvious set up.
I think the ending scene was way too long.  It takes the audience all of one second to know where you are going with it, and whatever characters we meet are obviously about to die.  Which is fine, but since we just had all the real characters die, cept michelle, it would be nice to keep it tight and brief.  Like them joking laughing, not paying attention, then suddenly the solium right on top of them, people screaming.  Then maybe some quick jumps in the camera footage,  people running, brief shot of the infected, the girl getting taken down, then camera staring up at a weird angle from the ground, beat, parasite crawls across it.  That says exactly the same thing, just without doing one of those long false endings after the audience is already sated.

Overall I liked it a lot, defiantely an excellent zombie flick with a little work.  With all of the zombie movies made I’d sure its been done before, but I cant think of any off the top of my head that used parasites, so kudos on that.  Relatively few typos/format issues.  I think some work on the emotional clusterfuck in the middle might be nice, maybe spread out those couple scenes, make them a little less forced.

But all the good stuff is there, badass kills, gorey guts, and some gross out stuff.  And generally cool characters.  Nicely done.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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Zombie Sean
Posted: December 31st, 2009, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Rob, I'll get back to you once you've reviewed the entire script so I don't have separate responses to your comments.


Toran,

Thanks for reading, man. Glad you really enjoyed it (put a smile on my face, yeh )


Quoted Text
Pretty damn good set up. Connor is hilarious, and probably my favorite character so far. Everyone else is developing nicely... good job so far. I do have to agree with the shitload of characters being introduced in the beginning, but I understand. It wasn't too much of a problem. Did turn me off on reading this before, but once you get through it - it's not to bad. Great descriptions also!


Thanks. I wanted to start this one off with a bang, since my other scripts usually take a long time to finally get the action going (character development, build-up, etc.) so hopefully the beginning keeps the reader interested. Everyone has been having trouble with the sudden amount of characters being introduced, so I will finally go ahead and please you all by going back and kind of separating them a bit to try and make it more comprehensible.


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pg. 23 as of right now. I'm still going with Connor as my favorite "this fucker is gonna get us killed". But I also like Trent to. I have someone named Trent that goes to my school, and he's pretty much just like this. Great stuff so far man.


Odd, I wanted Connor to be the guy everyone hated (I tried making him annoying, and an asshole). But it's a good thing that you liked him as well, shows that he has some potential at making a friend


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itting 41 - this is reading faster then most scripts I usually read. Which is real good. So far, you've creeped the fuck out of me. I was a little disappointed then Cyrus was knocked off, and we didn't see him go out in a shi-bang. But then again, maybe it is a little typical to have the toughest character survive long because... he's presumed to be the badass. Did I just point out originality? Who knows! You did get a little cheesy when Amber found Don. I hate it when characters who aren't evil, creep up on other characters. It's like, couldn't you have said something? Sorry, I'm just to damn realistic. I doesn't really need to be changed, I'm just a nagger. lol


Great! Glad to be creeping you out. I wanted to go for a more eerie atmosphere. And when Don finds Amber, who knows, he could have mistaken Amber for another zombie-dude But I know what you mean (just look at The Descent when they first make contact with the crawlers and what happens to Beth...)


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Man... Kellen got fucked up. GREAT FUCKING KILL! I feel bad for the guy.
Wow.... BEATRICE IS A BITCH. Hope she gets a good death.
Ah... Don is drunk. Make's a little more sense on why he creepily creeped up.


Ha ha, thanks for the compliment. I wanted Kellen's death to be brutal just so the audience can get the feel for what they're getting themselves into. I wanted Beatrice to be a bitch. First, I was going to make her the sweet old lady, but for some reason I just turned her into a jerk and decided I liked it better that way. And yes, Don's drunken-ness is also a factor for why he creeped up


Quoted Text
On pg. 61 - I'm pretty sure you reference Don as Dean a couple of times (as he tries to grab the bottles)


I'm pretty sure I've caught a few of those mistakes myself when I was proof-reading this thing. I'll go over it again and try and catch those mistakes.


Quoted Text
God damn it? Really? Connor just had to fucking close the doors on Amber. Way to make him unlikable anymore Sean. You bastard!


Ah yes, the ultimate move to make everyone dislike Connor in this script. You glad he got picked off now?


Quoted Text
DUN! DUN! DUN! DUN DUN DUN DUN! Salmon? Pretty good little explanation. I was wondering what the hell started all of this. It's a little cheesy, but I will buy it.


A little cheesy? How about a little realistic? Ha ha, naw, but I always have a fear that there may be some parasite thing in the fish I eat (if I ever eat any, I hate fish) or the sushi I'm forced to try, so I think that it's a good idea that will make you think twice next time you eat something like...fish...


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Pretty tense moment here with the climbing down the decks. I'd be a little worried also. Though that's why you shouldn't have killed of Kellen so early. He's the one who's afraid of heights.


Right, yeah, it would have been good to do that, but then again, he's so afraid of them that he'd probably just stay up there and get himself killed, and I think that that would have been a less-entertaining death than the one he originally has


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I thought the whole crying scene worked out perfectly. Everyone pretty much had a reason to do that, and if I were in the same position... I would have been bawling my fucking eyes out earlier.


You know, I think you may be the only one who actually likes this scene. Everyone else is sorta iffy on it.


Quoted Text
Damn you sean! ANOTHER FAVORITE CHARACTER KILLED.
I swear, if Don dies - I will be angry!

You son of a bitch....


MUAHAHA > : D

Oh, and was that other favourite character of yours Trent? I think his death is pretty brutal as well, even if it's the most simple death shown on screen. Or at least the way I imagine it, it's pretty brutal.


Quoted Text
The one thing that bugs me... Michelle? Really? She's introduced into the game a whole lot later then everyone else - and has the least amount of character development then anyone else. The only thing special about her is the baby. She's pregnant. I thought it was great how Britt wanted to protect her. I just feel Michelle should be introduced a little earlier, so we get the feel for her a little more.


Originally, as I was writing it, I did have it to where Michelle was found when they lost Connor and ran into the room where Beatrice transforms, but I didn't like her showing up so early in the script, that I wanted to save her for later. And I like it better that she does show up later, and she becomes sort of mysterious and you want to know more about her (which is why I left the ending ambiguous because I sort of want to try and write a sequel to this, with her being the main character).


Quoted Text
Oh and a few quick words on the ending. I thought the way you did it was perfect (the ship crashing into the pier) and the whole worm crawling on the video camera was gross and awesome. It's just.. he would have dropped the camera. A lot earlier. Like, maybe, when his girlfriend was getting attacked? I don't know. If you changed it and made it shorter. I'd be fine with it. I'm fine with the way it is now, it's just - I really doubt he would have sat there and watched his girlfriend get attacked.


Yeah, the ending is another thing people keep pointing out, and how I should shorten it. So I think I am going to have the ship crash into the pier, everyone walks up to it, the very bottom door opens, and then an infected jumps out, and the video will cut to black, or something. I'll shorten it out, that's all that matters.


Again, thanks for reading, and once more, I appreciate that you really liked this. I'm glad it kept you entertained, and thanks for the comments and suggestions!

Sean
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Zombie Sean
Posted: December 31st, 2009, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
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Jack,

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Glad you pointed out the spelling and grammar mistakes, I'll get right on those. I seriously read through this thing three or so times to try and pick out any mistakes I've made, but nobody's perfect, yeh?


Quoted Text
Also the way you introduce the other crew members is a tad awkward, they seem to come out of nowhere.
Having all the characters formally introduce themselves is a little weird, seems a tad unrealistic to me.  Kind of like a cheap way to introduce them.  With Conner you did better, his character was explained through the others reactions to him, and his dialogue.  Would be nice to do the others in the same way.


Yeah, as I said before, I was trying to go for a more documentary type feel for that part, I dunno why, I guess I thought it would seem cool (but, like people have said, whatever you think is cool or funny to you, doesn't mean it will be to anyone else). I'll work on introducing the characters better, and the whole "show, don't tell" part with how the characters are, I don't really seem to have a problem with it, probably because I'm used to people telling me how they are or what they're like rather than finding out on my own, watching through their actions (probably because I'm also pretty oblivious).


Quoted Text

Walkie talkies don’t have stations, they have frequencies.
The GPS cords would include several decimals.  I would guess that it being a ship they would include a vector as well.
M4s and M16s don’t use clips, they use magazines.  And yes, there is a difference.


Yes, factual errors are probably scattered throughout the script here, but I did a lot of research on this stuff, and tried making it as smart as possible, so there will be factual errors probably everywhere. It's nice that you pointed them out, though, because it will help. I'll change the mistakes with the 'frequencies' and 'magazines/clips' issues.


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Really?  Splitting up?  Really??


Really.


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And once they start dying they still stayed split up?  And send kellen to go find what happened to cyrus all alone?  Really?


They don't know that their team members have died yet. And yes, really.


Quoted Text
Need to rethink the separation thing.  Maybe take separate elevators, or someone refuses to trust elevators.  Then one elevator gets stuck on lower floor.  Getting them separated is all good, but just a tad ludicrous to imagine the boss sending them all out alone on purpose to hunt for ‘pirates’

...

Seems like finding the two survivors one after another was a little easy.  Maybe put one before cyrus dies.  So they find a survivor, then cyrus finds his, which turns out to be bad, then they find the other.


Someone suggested that I even have two go to each floor and they stick together, only to be separated later on. It was a good, smarter idea, but it would have taken longer for them to get where they needed to be later in the script, which means the script would be longer, and it's already at 117 pages. Plus, this is a horror movie, not everyone is always smart in it, separation is the key move.

Same with finding the survivors one after another. I had to introduce those characters as soon as possible to keep the script shorter and a faster read.


Quoted Text
Several parts of the writing could be simplified a bit.  Example: His body hits
the twisted metal art sculpture hanging over the lobby.
Kellen’s scream cuts off as his body smashes into the
sculpture.  Those two sentences would probably be better as just one, ‘Kellens scream cuts off as his body smashes into the twisted metal art sculpture.’
Also right after that, you have his scream get weaker after it was already cut off.  Then it cuts off again.  Need to clarify.


Good catch, thanks for the suggestion, I'll fix that. Same with...


Quoted Text
Also in your comments you say they are basically a swat team, but I dont remember that being explained in the script.  might want to clarify that they are a pirate response team or something to that effect.  because they dont really act like your everyday coast guard members, and seem to have a pretty different skill set.  



Quoted Text
P74  Britt empties her gun into the glass door?  That they want to hold?


My bad, I think what I meant was that the clip slides out of the pistol and she throws the gun at the floor. I can't actually remember, but I'll go ahead and change it to make it clearer.

I can understand how you want me to clean up the pregnancy speech and Britt's rant about her and Dean's backstory, but c'mon, you have to expect people to cry. I mean, they have a break from being killed at this moment, locked in a bathroom, they've finally calmed down, they've just seen all these people die or have killed their friends, they realise that they may not even make it out alive. You'll have to have a breakdown at some point.


Quoted Text
Who’s wes?  Not sure you introduced him properly.


Wes is Michelle's brother. Guessed I wouldn't need to put his names in CAPs once he attacked Michelle because he has no speaking lines, and it's obvious that she knows him, so her saying his name would be the most of his introduction, I suppose? She even says that she was looking for her brother after her encounter with the skinny woman.


Quoted Text
Don handing the gun to michelle seemed a little forced.  Maybe have him laughing and relieved, she takes the gun away before he accidently shoots anyone, or something like that.  Just how its written its kind of an obvious set up.


You make a good point about that. I could possibly have him set the gun down on the floor of the 'copter, and she decides to get a feel for it.

The ending I've explained I'll fix, but thanks for the feedback about it anyways.

Thanks again for taking your time to read this, and your comments and feedback are greatly appreciated as always.

Sean
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stevie
Posted: January 2nd, 2010, 4:43am Report to Moderator
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Hi Sean, have just finished reading this.
I have to be honest and say I couldn't get into this. I know you put a lot of work into it but it wasn't my cup of tea. Your writing was fine and the pace was good, but I didn't like the whole infected worm thing.
When I read your log I was all excited - Zombie Sean's newie, a cruise ship, full on shit! Well, it was full on gore! Some of it was downright digusting but, hey, that's what these movies are for.
I guess I was disappointed it wasn't a true zombie story - maybe becasue Rob's The Bay was still frsh in my mind, I was subconsciously ready to compare it to that.

Someone has mentioned there's way too many characters intro'ed and I agree. I didn't like how each one told a bit about themselves. I would cut the Coast guard crew by half.
When they started exploring the ship, the slug of each DECK became tiresome. I know there wasn't really another way to do it (and I'd be interested to see what Jeff makes of it) but it didn't read well for me. I would like to have seen it something like aliens, when the different groups are moving around the base. I know they have video showing the action as well, but I kept thinking of that film.
Once the action started it became more interesting. I thought some of the dialogue was a bit over the top and didn't suit the situation. When Britt gives her 'speech' about saving Michelle, it was sort of forced and a bit clunky.

The ending was ok, but we knew the ship was gonna come into land.
i'm sorry for all the negativity, Sean, I really am. It's just me I guess. I was looking for a straight forward zombie flick but didn't find it.

Cheers stevie.



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alffy
Posted: January 2nd, 2010, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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Hey Sean

Nice opening on the ship, the woman falling to her death is nasty.  Then you describe the Alaskan frontier and surrounding waters beautifully.

You introduce the characters well and they all seem to have their own voice.  It’s strange that you didn’t describe the helicopter co-pilot at all.  I’m guessing it’s a he but there appears to be a bit of flirting between them, or is that just me?

There are a few pages of the coast guards searching the ship, maybe this could be trimmed a little.  You also jump about from one deck to another frequently but this is surprisingly not confusing, and it also gives a good lonely feel to characters situations.  

One thing did spring to mind though, if they are worried about pirates or something worse, and are trying to quickly and quietly search the decks right, so you could have a missed an opportunity to add some more suspense with one guard searching quietly when their walkie-talkie suddenly blurts out Connor’s question about getting into the rooms.  Just a thought.

I noticed a typo on page 32, ‘Amber slides the car into the key slot...’.  Think this should be ‘card’?

Killing off Cyrus, the burley macho character first was a shock but a pleasant one, they usually go out in a hail of gunfire while mouthing profanities.

I liked the Dining Hall scene with Lori and on/off lights, it was a very creepy image.

Maybe I missed a few shots but Kellen empties his magazine and replaces it with a new one, but I thought he’d only fired about 3 bullets, I may be wrong here though?

Don calls Amber ‘a complete bitch’, but having just met, it sounds a bit weird, like he knows her.

On page 59 you have an error, in the liquor store you put Dean instead of Don.  ‘Dean grabs two liquor bottles’ This continues as they run to the stairs.

It seems strange that Dean and the others watch Amber struggle to get Don up the stairs but when she finally does they all leave her and race for the elevator.  I understand Connor not helping but why not Dean and the others?

On the patio, Dean hops over the railings and slides down the sheet but you say Britt empties her clip before following.  I don’t get this bit?  The infected are behind a glass patio door, if Britt shoots off the last of her bullets she’ll smash the glass door and let the remaining infected through won’t she?  We hear the door shatter moments later when they are inside the cabin below.

Some of the dialogue is a little clunky and unnatural.  This is most obvious for me when they encounter Michelle.  Britt and Dean’s story about their failed conception seems totally out of place in the situation their all in.


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alffy
Posted: January 2nd, 2010, 9:47am Report to Moderator
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There are some pretty nasty deaths throughout the script, Markus’ tongue scene is one that stands out for me, it made me wince a little.

Sky and his co-pilot re-appear after been missing for the whole story, to be honest I’d forgotten about them.  I think it’s because you have a large number of characters and even when some die, new ones appear, even late in the day like Michelle.

Page 115, you have a typo ‘The get closer to the ship’ think this should be ‘They’?

I really liked the ending, the whole ‘it’s the end of the world’.

It was a little hard to care for people like Michelle and Don, simply because they turn up so late in the day and for Michelle to, possibly, be the only survivor kind of seems strange.  Also Michelle pointing the gun in the chopper was a bit forced but I get that you needed her to have it.

The parasite conclusion was different and it worked ok but I wasn’t sure why the infected seem to charge around ripping people apart and then take the time to slice of skin and fry it?

Overall Sean, this was decent but I think it could be shortened, it is after all, a standard zombie flick, run for your life storyline.  This isn’t a bad thing and did enjoy the read as a whole.  The kill’s were certainly well thought out too, nice and gory!

One thing I couldn’t get past, and this no fault of yours, was the fact that all the guns and shooting was done by the Coast Guard.  In England the Coast Guard simply use a small power boat to rescue people from distressed fishing boats.  I couldn’t get passed seeing a man in a bright yellow waterproof suit and life jacket. Lol.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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sniper
Posted: January 2nd, 2010, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Sean.

I would've posted this yesterday but my head was just not cooperating at all. Thank God for fast food though. Yeah, the invention of the wheel and stuff like then pen and the internet are all great things, but whoever (and I imagine it was a guy) decided to chop a potato into sticks and dunk them in boiling oil deserves a life time achievement award cos' French Fries are life savers. And salt's pretty cool too.

Anyhoo...

Ah, so the tapeworm thing I mentioned in my first post did mean something after all. That was a nice twist, Sean - not sure about the accelerated growth theory - but the parasite itself worked pretty well. I mean, it's been done before in other clothing but it was a fresh spin on the whole "Zombie" mythology. I know the script isn't really a Zombie story per se but...you know what I mean.

The other spin you put on it, the fact that the infected are in fact not mindless killing machines, that they are still able to formulate plans, set traps and such also worked well.

By the way, had you recently watched Alien Resurrection when you wrote this? I'm asking cos' there's a scene where Don is about to throw up and the Coast Guards train their weapons on him - it kinda reminded me of the scene where Purvis coughs and Johner and Destephano get ready to off him.

One thing that bothered me throughout was the helicopter crew. Where were they when all this shit was going down? What were they doing? I think it would be helpful to the story if you cut back to them a few times just to let us know they're still around, you know?

Things that worked for me:

The setting: The derelict ship at sea. I love it. Yes, it probably reminds a lot of people of Ghost Ship, Virus and Deep Rising but I like the claustrphobic feel you get when the people you're rooting for are all trapped in a confined space.

One thing you may want to consider is the number of infected people. You mention thousands of them are on the ship but, from a production standpoint, you really should cut way down on that number. I don't think it's going to deminish the tension with a fewer number of infected at all.

The crisis: Like I said, the spin you put on it felt fairly fresh and - to a degree - believable. What made it work really well in my opinion is the exellent opening scene you had. I thought that was a perfect start. I still think it turned somewhat generic halfway through but I couldn't tell you how to avoid that.

The gore: Lotsa gore here. You're a sick bastard, Sean  . I think Hien's death was fucking disgusting! Yikes. I think you're very imaginative when it comes to killing people (which kinda makes you think, don't it?). The vomit was also a touch of brilliance. I can't remember having seen anything like that on screen before (except for the spitting aliens in Alien3 and Alien Res.).

The ending: My kind of ending. Period. Okay, I'm not crazy about the camera man thing again but it definitely ties in with the opening scene so good work on that.

Things that I'm 50/50 about:

The writing: I actually mean the over-writing here. I think that you're too descriptive for your own good, Sean. Kellen's death scene comes to mind here. The whole chase and lead up to his actual death runs like 5 pages and that's simply too much in my opinion. I don't mind a long lead up for the sake of tension but that many pages simply kill the pace. Another thing, I can't remember what page this happens on, but it's when they find Michelle in the restroom, here you meticulously describe how everyone is standing in the room. Does it really matter who leans against what wall, who sits on the floor or on the bowl? And why does Dean constantly say: We with the Coast Guard, from the 17th District? The 17th District? Does that really matter.

The dialogue: I mentioned something about this in my first post. Lotsa exposition in the dialogue all around. Granted, it's needed in certain scenes but there's just too much of it to go around. Much of it is actually recapping what has already happened and that just never works. the audience is already up to speed about what's going on so there's no need to have the characters constantly telling new characters the situation. In terms of dialogue, less is more.

The Britt-Dean subplot: This was your version of the 30 Days of Night Eben-Stella subplot and I guess it could have worked if you had focused more on Britt and Dean. But they kept taking a back seat to the action and gore and I felt that I never really got to know them well enough to buy their backstory. Also, while the fact that they couldn't conceive is a plausible explanation for them breaking up...it's kinda weak in my book. I think it would work better if they actually once had a child and the child died, to me that would be a bit more powerful - and maybe the Britt-Michelle plot would work better too.

Things that didn't work for me:

The supporting cast: Like others have mentioned, you have a lot of characters in this piece. Very few of the supporting characters worked I'm sorry too say. The only one that really stood out for me was Cyrus - and he's dead before anything really gets started so my suggestion to you is either keep him on longer or lose him altogether. Connor, the token scumbag, also stood out but the rest sort of blended together and it was difficult for me to keep track of them.  

The crying scene: You know which one I'm talking about, right? The one in the restroom. I'm sorry I just couldn't buy it. It felt forced and awkward.

Don and Michelle: Who are these guys all of a sudden? Don was the only guy I didn't want to make it off the ship. I would have been okay with Connor making it but Don? No fucking way. I was hoping Amber would just leave his drunk ass to die when she runs into him - or cap it herself. Michelle simply comes into the story too late to carry any real emotions. They should have found her much sooner - or not at all.

The M16s: I think we've covered that one...but I'm willing to recap if needed  

I don't want to go too much into the format other than to restate what I already said about the double slugs. Also, there were several times were I thought you could have used INTERCUT instead of full-on slugs. It would have saved you some space and probably upped the pace in said scene.

Overall I liked the plot a lot but I feel that you should tighten this up a bit, maybe lose some characters, get rid of all that exposition and really focus on Britt and Dean's relationship. Remember, it's always the characters that sell the story.

Keep up the good work, Sean.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Zombie Sean
Posted: January 8th, 2010, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry for the late responses, everyone. I've been kinda busy lately and haven't really had the chance to sit down and actually surf the site for a bit.


Quoted from stevie
Hi Sean, have just finished reading this.
I have to be honest and say I couldn't get into this. I know you put a lot of work into it but it wasn't my cup of tea. Your writing was fine and the pace was good, but I didn't like the whole infected worm thing.
When I read your log I was all excited - Zombie Sean's newie, a cruise ship, full on shit! Well, it was full on gore! Some of it was downright digusting but, hey, that's what these movies are for.
I guess I was disappointed it wasn't a true zombie story - maybe becasue Rob's The Bay was still frsh in my mind, I was subconsciously ready to compare it to that.


I'm glad you at least liked some parts. Don't sweat it too much, though. This one won't be everyone's cup o' tea. I wanted to go for a more realistic feel (sorta) with the parasites, and make the infected not exactly zombies (more of the 28 Days Later kind of infected), except just more cruel and unbelievable.


Quoted Text
Someone has mentioned there's way too many characters intro'ed and I agree. I didn't like how each one told a bit about themselves. I would cut the Coast guard crew by half.


I would do that if I could, but I sort of had a reason for each character (or almost each character). Like, this happened to this character for a reason, etc.


Quoted Text
When they started exploring the ship, the slug of each DECK became tiresome. I know there wasn't really another way to do it (and I'd be interested to see what Jeff makes of it) but it didn't read well for me.


I tried to make it as clean as possible and as simply written as possible when it came to switching between decks. It's the whole stupid separation thing, ya know?


Quoted Text
Once the action started it became more interesting. I thought some of the dialogue was a bit over the top and didn't suit the situation. When Britt gives her 'speech' about saving Michelle, it was sort of forced and a bit clunky.


I'll be cleaning up Britt and Michelle's speeches, don't worry.


Quoted Text
The ending was ok, but we knew the ship was gonna come into land.
i'm sorry for all the negativity, Sean, I really am. It's just me I guess. I was looking for a straight forward zombie flick but didn't find it.

Cheers stevie.


Ha ha how'd you know? Don't be sorry, everyone's views on something are always different, and this one just wasn't for you, it seems. Thanks for your comments, though, and taking the time to read this one.

Sean
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Zombie Sean
Posted: January 8th, 2010, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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Alffy,


Thanks for reading, man.


Quoted Text
You introduce the characters well and they all seem to have their own voice.  It’s strange that you didn’t describe the helicopter co-pilot at all.  I’m guessing it’s a he but there appears to be a bit of flirting between them, or is that just me?


Thank you, you seem to be one of the few who enjoyed my character intros. The co-pilot is a male, and it's not flirting, it's bromance Ha ha, nah, take it how you want, but I don't mean for there to be any romantic moves between their interactions?


Quoted Text
There are a few pages of the coast guards searching the ship, maybe this could be trimmed a little.  You also jump about from one deck to another frequently but this is surprisingly not confusing, and it also gives a good lonely feel to characters situations.


I'll take a look at those pages and see what I can cut out. And I'm glad you think the slugs in the cruise ship are cleaner than others think.


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One thing did spring to mind though, if they are worried about pirates or something worse, and are trying to quickly and quietly search the decks right, so you could have a missed an opportunity to add some more suspense with one guard searching quietly when their walkie-talkie suddenly blurts out Connor’s question about getting into the rooms.  Just a thought.


I was actually thinking of an idea similar to that where one of the guards is alone and trying to hide from the infected, only to have his radio blurt out some order, and he gets caught, but I figured that was a bit too cliché for my taste. But that is also a good suggestion, something to kind of startle the audience a bit.


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It seems strange that Dean and the others watch Amber struggle to get Don up the stairs but when she finally does they all leave her and race for the elevator.  I understand Connor not helping but why not Dean and the others?


I'll take a look at that and see what I can do to make the other team more useful, but I see what you're saying.


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Some of the dialogue is a little clunky and unnatural.  This is most obvious for me when they encounter Michelle.  Britt and Dean’s story about their failed conception seems totally out of place in the situation their all in.


I'll be fixing that. And Britt's story, that's kind of the only place I could put it, or I can try and split it in half. I just remembered that I still have that scene of calmness before they realise that Beatrice has left the building and changed into an infected herself.


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Sky and his co-pilot re-appear after been missing for the whole story, to be honest I’d forgotten about them.  I think it’s because you have a large number of characters and even when some die, new ones appear, even late in the day like Michelle.


Yeah, I don't want them to be in the story too much and distract the audience from what's happening on the inside. Kind of also makes you wonder when they had gotten infected, and I was going in a direction where you focus more on the characters on the inside and forget about the helicopter on the outside to sorta make the audience feel alone on the boat with them and there's no other way out.


P.S> I have said it before, but I know Michelle and Don were kinda 2-dimensional even though they were the last survivors of the script. Sorry 'bout that.


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The parasite conclusion was different and it worked ok but I wasn’t sure why the infected seem to charge around ripping people apart and then take the time to slice of skin and fry it?


Yeah, I guess that's a bit of a plot-hole, but it'll work its way out somehow. The more people they're going after, the less time they have to skin and fry people? But since there are fewer people on the ship, they have more time to fry people up?


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Overall Sean, this was decent but I think it could be shortened, it is after all, a standard zombie flick, run for your life storyline.  This isn’t a bad thing and did enjoy the read as a whole.  The kill’s were certainly well thought out too, nice and gory!

One thing I couldn’t get past, and this no fault of yours, was the fact that all the guns and shooting was done by the Coast Guard.  In England the Coast Guard simply use a small power boat to rescue people from distressed fishing boats.  I couldn’t get passed seeing a man in a bright yellow waterproof suit and life jacket. Lol.


Thanks again for reading and I am glad you enjoyed it! And glad I could gross you out as well. Yeah, this is more of the SWAT version of the Coast Guard, with the guns and the helicopters, and the KAPOW *all that said in a Bill Cosby voice*

Sean
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Zombie Sean
Posted: January 8th, 2010, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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Rob, my man, how you doin'? Thanks for giving your time to give this thing a read. I figured you would stray from zombies for the moment after finishing The Bay, but I'm also glad you stuck around



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Powerful opening scene - liked that one a lot cos' you hit the ground running which is always good. But...salmon? You sure you couldn't find something more interesting for them to talk about? I personally like salmon but...not in a script, dawg. Having the opening scene shot through a camera (jeez, how else would you do it? You know what I mean), the obvious question will always be: why does he keep filming? When the woman falls, why doesn't he put the camera down? But I guess this is how it's done nowadays in movies (Cloverfield), so I personally don't have any problems with that.


Yeah, this is one of my get-up-and-go scripts where I really want to start off with a bang for American audience's whose attention-spans are shorter than those of a goldfish.


Quoted Text
You introduce a lot of characters early on and I did have some problems keeping up with who's who. Maybe you could introduce them in chunks so to speak, maybe three at the time. Also, there's a lot of exposition through dialogue in that scene on the Interceptor. Characters telling what they're like instead of you showing it. Also, I think I counted three times in a short time span where Connor is called a "dick". I don't think that was necessary.


Aye, I guess I spoke too soon. I'll clean up the character intros and make it flow more realistically.

You've pretty much mentioned everything that others have said, and I really don't want to go into it once again in another post (sorry, nothing against you, it's my fault really ) so if you want to, you can look back at my responses to comments and pick out what you also had a problem with. (I still don't know how you were able to go on a whole post talking about the guns used I think all guns are cool in my opinion. If it goes BANG and causes blood to splatter on walls, then it's okay in my book.

I will be working on the Britt-Dean relationship and Michelle's character development. I will try and tighten this script up, because even for a zombie script, it's pretty long (why am I calling this a zombie script? They're NOT zombies! Great, now I am in the habit...) Even the original Dawn of the Dead got boring and that was over two hours.

But thanks for reading Rob, and thanks for the suggestions and well-thought-out review. I'll be sure to take what you said into consideration.

Until next time,

Sean
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James McClung
Posted: January 13th, 2010, 2:45am Report to Moderator
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Hey Sean. How's it going?

I wanna say this is the best script I've read from you thus far but I'm not really sure because I had such a hard time reading it. The slugs have been brought up already and you've explained yourself but I feel like you're getting away with murder at this point. Seriously. The slugs were garbage. I had to stop reading several times because I was getting lost. You mentioned that there's only three locations that really need slugs. Bullshit. A cruise ship is a big motherfucking ship. You've already got tons of locations. They're just not formatted correctly and regardless, you need more than just DECK 1, 2, 3, etc.

Additionally, with or without proper formatting, ALASKAN FRONTIER and LATER, FROM AFAR are terrible location descriptions. Fix 'em!

Okay. This is as harsh as I'm going to get so don't be afraid to read further. I DID like the script.

The second major problem with the script (and also the last major problem) is the characters. There's way too many of them. I identified Britt and Dean as the leads, Cyrus as the throwaway tough guy, Don as the drunk and Hien as the hapless Asian. Michelle was also easy to identify as she showed up so late. The rest... eh. They were pretty interchangeable. I'm sure you could chuck a few. Also, I would have Michelle show up way earlier. I like the connection between her, Britt and, to a lesser extent, Dean but the way it's explained all in one fell swoop just doesn't work. Britt should build a relationship with Michelle before all is revealed.

Okay. Onto the good stuff. I loved the story. The parasites were sick. Resident Evil-ish (the games, not the movie) but not overly so. I've always found tapeworms to be among the grossest creatures on the planet and I have to say I share you phobia of fish. Well, mine isn't a phobia so much as I think seafood is disgusting. That said, everyone eats salmon. Don't you think the ship could serve something fancier? Think monkfish or Chilean sea bass. These are fish so hideous, they had to change their names so as to not turn people off to eating them.

You're infected were also cool and were pretty nasty for your average zombie-esque fare. I have to say the gore in this script was really sick. I've always thought you mostly wrote "fun gore" but some of the stuff here is more nasty and brutal. My kinda stuff. The acidic puke, the burrowing parasites, the face peeling, the skinning... really visceral stuff going on here. Lots of people falling to their death as well which is somewhat underrated in horror today.

The suspense is also pretty top notch. Your use of lights is excellent what with the flickering and constant blackouts. Class shit!

A few notes...

pg. 2 - "As DO her arms."

pg. 16 - "It looks smaller than [what?] from the ones I've seen."

pg. 22 - Shouldn't end a page with a slug.

- Why does Kellen wait for the elevator if the infected are using stairs? Wouldn't he do the same?

pg. 49 - He stays still and then he's shaking? What's going on?

- Better not to have the girl slash Connor's throat. He wouldn't make it to the flames in this state.

pg. 84 - "Parasitic pussbags?" You mean "pusbags?" or is the "puss" intentional?

Despite some issues, a pretty damn good script. Good job, dude!


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Zombie Sean
Posted: January 18th, 2010, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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James,

Sorry for the late response. I haven't really had a chance to get come here and reply to any reviews because of school and work and other things. But I appreciate you giving your time reading this, and your comments (even though worried me at first) are greatly appreciated.


Quoted Text
The slugs were garbage. I had to stop reading several times because I was getting lost. You mentioned that there's only three locations that really need slugs. Bullshit. A cruise ship is a big motherfucking ship. You've already got tons of locations. They're just not formatted correctly and regardless, you need more than just DECK 1, 2, 3, etc.


Well, technically there are only about 4 locations. You have the Alaskan forest, the piers, the ocean, and the cruise ship. The cruise ship is then divided into sub-locations (decks, compartments, etc.). I don't really know how to write the slugs efficiently since there really isn't any location to them except for decks on the cruise ship (unless you wanted me to say DECK 5 - HALLWAY, as I did with cabins, dining rooms, stores, etc.). And how would I change up the slugs of ALASKAN FRONTIER and FROM AFAR, because the Alaskan Frontier is a location, and is what is being filmed; FROM AFAR is just another way of saying something in the distance while keeping it short and sweet, correct?

About the characters: I kind of had a plan for each character, what would happen to them that would move the story on. The only real throw away character could be Markus, but even he is a bit important to the story. And I am going to work on tying in Michelle with the rest of the story when I get the time to rewrite this thing, and hopefully it works well (and you weren't the only one who mentioned this )

Yeah, I'm not much for the whole phobia of getting a worm in me when eating fish (though I do have it, but it's not so big as to where it turns me off from eating it), I just hate the taste of fish in general. Other seafood is good, though. Salmon on cruise ships are actually delicate meals and are considered a fancy one when it comes to the dining hours on cruise ships, and from experience, everyone seems to love it and everyone seems to get it.

Glad you like the gore. This is quite possibly my nastiest script and most brutal one as well. I actually put into thought how each person was going to go as to keep it fresh and not repetitive. I love horror movies that have to deal with people falling to their deaths as well because it's scary, even if it's not brutal or grotesque, it's the psychological aspect of it (everyone hates heights, especially falling from them—except for adrenaline junkies). Which is why I like Trent's death best.


Quoted Text
- Why does Kellen wait for the elevator if the infected are using stairs? Wouldn't he do the same?


Just some more of that suspense factor, you know? Ha ha, but really in a situation like this, if the elevator is the closest thing to you, and it's one of the two things that's getting you higher than the zombies coming after you, then it'd probably be your first choice, rather than running to the same spot that the zombies are heading towards.


Quoted Text
- Better not to have the girl slash Connor's throat. He wouldn't make it to the flames in this state.


True. Maybe I can just have her stab him in the throat, or something to handicap him in that kind of state.

Pusbags. My bad.

Thanks again for reading James! I've always known you for not really liking zombie movies (or at least the ones you reviewed. Actually, to be honest, I'm not really sure why I think that you don't like zombies, or zombie movies. Probably because I am crazy, but oh well), so I didn't think you'd read this script, or finish it, and since you did, I didn't think you'd like it. But hey, that's good, right? Ha ha, I dunno. ANYWAYS, thanks again, your comments are appreciated, as said before, and thanks again for giving your time to give this one a go.


Sean
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James McClung
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Quoted from Zombie Sean
Well, technically there are only about 4 locations. You have the Alaskan forest, the piers, the ocean, and the cruise ship. The cruise ship is then divided into sub-locations (decks, compartments, etc.). I don't really know how to write the slugs efficiently since there really isn't any location to them except for decks on the cruise ship (unless you wanted me to say DECK 5 - HALLWAY, as I did with cabins, dining rooms, stores, etc.). And how would I change up the slugs of ALASKAN FRONTIER and FROM AFAR, because the Alaskan Frontier is a location, and is what is being filmed; FROM AFAR is just another way of saying something in the distance while keeping it short and sweet, correct?


I guess ALASKAN FRONITER is okay. FROM AFAR should be ALASKAN FRONTIER too unless you just want to indicate it’s LATER in which case you should just use that. You can use a WS (WIDE SHOT) to indicate it’s from afar although that’s not a slug and should come after whatever slug you decide to use.

As for the rest, I’m not sure. I actually would use DECK 5 - HALLWAY. You jump around the decks constantly so it’s not like it’d be redundant. The fact is a cruise ship is an incredibly intricate location and some of your slugs are going to be on the long side.

My main issue with the slugs was the lack of INT/EXT. I know a lot of the time, it was obvious but as writers and readers, our eyes are instinctually drawn to those markers. Bold typeface works to an extent but like I said, I had to backtrack a few times.


Quoted from Zombie Sean
Just some more of that suspense factor, you know? Ha ha, but really in a situation like this, if the elevator is the closest thing to you, and it's one of the two things that's getting you higher than the zombies coming after you, then it'd probably be your first choice, rather than running to the same spot that the zombies are heading towards.


I gotcha. I just didn’t understand why the dude stuck around when the elevator was so far up. He could’ve ran up a deck or two and tried to meet it halfway. At some point, he’s gotta stop waiting around.


Quoted from Zombie Sean
True. Maybe I can just have her stab him in the throat, or something to handicap him in that kind of state.


Too much blood. Better he gets stabbed in the gut or something. He’d still be bleeding all over the place but wouldn’t die that quickly.


Quoted from Zombie Sean
Thanks again for reading James! I've always known you for not really liking zombie movies (or at least the ones you reviewed. Actually, to be honest, I'm not really sure why I think that you don't like zombies, or zombie movies. Probably because I am crazy, but oh well), so I didn't think you'd read this script, or finish it, and since you did, I didn't think you'd like it. But hey, that's good, right? Ha ha, I dunno. ANYWAYS, thanks again, your comments are appreciated, as said before, and thanks again for giving your time to give this one a go.


Haha, you’ve got it all wrong, dude. I love zombie movies. Dead Alive is one of my favorite movies, period. So is Day of the Dead. Romero’s original trilogy is fucking classic and while I didn’t care for Land of the Dead, it had its moments. Fulci’s zombie movies weren’t as good as Romero’s but they had awesome gore scenes and I think Fulci zombies are the best of all zombies. I also love all the Resident Evil games.

I don’t really like modern zombie movies. I loved Shaun of the Dead and 28 Days Later was a masterpiece. The rest, I don’t much care for. Zombieland was fun and the DOTD remake had its moments but the old movies are way better. I also don’t like fast zombies. In 28 Days Later, they weren’t dead so it was okay. Otherwise, they don’t make sense and aren’t really scarier. Also, I think zombies look the same in all the new movies, which is totally boring.

I still have hope though...

I’m actually writing a zombie script later this year. I’ll make sure you get a sneak peak.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 21st, 2010, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from James McClung


I guess ALASKAN FRONITER is okay. FROM AFAR should be ALASKAN FRONTIER too unless you just want to indicate it�s LATER in which case you should just use that. You can use a WS (WIDE SHOT) to indicate it�s from afar although that�s not a slug and should come after whatever slug you decide to use.

As for the rest, I�m not sure. I actually would use DECK 5 - HALLWAY. You jump around the decks constantly so it�s not like it�d be redundant. The fact is a cruise ship is an incredibly intricate location and some of your slugs are going to be on the long side.

My main issue with the slugs was the lack of INT/EXT. I know a lot of the time, it was obvious but as writers and readers, our eyes are instinctually drawn to those markers. Bold typeface works to an extent but like I said, I had to backtrack a few times.



I gotcha. I just didn�t understand why the dude stuck around when the elevator was so far up. He could�ve ran up a deck or two and tried to meet it halfway. At some point, he�s gotta stop waiting around.



Too much blood. Better he gets stabbed in the gut or something. He�d still be bleeding all over the place but wouldn�t die that quickly.



Haha, you�ve got it all wrong, dude. I love zombie movies. Dead Alive is one of my favorite movies, period. So is Day of the Dead. Romero�s original trilogy is fucking classic and while I didn�t care for Land of the Dead, it had its moments. Fulci�s zombie movies weren�t as good as Romero�s but they had awesome gore scenes and I think Fulci zombies are the best of all zombies. I also love all the Resident Evil games.

I don�t really like modern zombie movies. I loved Shaun of the Dead and 28 Days Later was a masterpiece. The rest, I don�t much care for. Zombieland was fun and the DOTD remake had its moments but the old movies are way better. I also don�t like fast zombies. In 28 Days Later, they weren�t dead so it was okay. Otherwise, they don�t make sense and aren�t really scarier. Also, I think zombies look the same in all the new movies, which is totally boring.

I still have hope though...

I�m actually writing a zombie script later this year. I�ll make sure you get a sneak peak.


Is there a justifiable reason that you have left Return of the Living Dead off your list?

Because if there isn't, I'm going to tweak your testicles. >


Btw Sean this was a great little script. I really enjoyed it, I'd enjoy watching it as a film as well. It's kind of a mix of Aliens, 28 Days later, Quarantine and that other one set on a ship where lots of people die. Where there is a big thing that eats them like a snake...

Anyway. I've looked through the comments and I don't have much to add. I would agree that it's a bit talky at times and the dialogue sometimes has a tendency to repeat what we already know. However the dialogue is decent in itself, just needs a bit of a hacksaw IMO.

I thought the character intro's were a little long. Be better to introduce them more during the action as we go along.

The only two things I didn't really like was that Michelle was introduced so late (Are you sure a sick puppy like you doesn't want a zombie baby in there BTW? Ha ha. Imagine the scene where Michelle is dead and then one of them notices she's still moving and then POW, the infected baby comes out. Horrid) and making them split up into singles at the start. I get why you did it, but it felt a bit obvious.


I enjoyed the script a lot though, it was a lot of fun. Well done. It's put me in the mood to watch a god zombie film, which is a good sign.

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Scar Tissue Films  -  January 21st, 2010, 4:22pm
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James McClung
Posted: January 22nd, 2010, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Is there a justifiable reason that you have left Return of the Living Dead off your list?

Because if there isn't, I'm going to tweak your testicles. >


It's so good that it goes without saying? Does that work for you? I'd like to avoid a tweaking.

Seriously though, I did love ROTLD. Punks and Tar Men FTW.


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Zombie Sean
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Quoted Text

I guess ALASKAN FRONITER is okay. FROM AFAR should be ALASKAN FRONTIER too unless you just want to indicate it’s LATER in which case you should just use that. You can use a WS (WIDE SHOT) to indicate it’s from afar although that’s not a slug and should come after whatever slug you decide to use.

As for the rest, I’m not sure. I actually would use DECK 5 - HALLWAY. You jump around the decks constantly so it’s not like it’d be redundant. The fact is a cruise ship is an incredibly intricate location and some of your slugs are going to be on the long side.

My main issue with the slugs was the lack of INT/EXT. I know a lot of the time, it was obvious but as writers and readers, our eyes are instinctually drawn to those markers. Bold typeface works to an extent but like I said, I had to backtrack a few times.


Yeah, okay, I see what you are saying now. I'll take away the FROM AFAR slug, and should I use INT/EXT? I've already indicated that we're inside the cruise ship, and it should be obvious since the majority of the script is set in there, so I don't want it to come across as repetitive or anything.


Quoted Text
Too much blood. Better he gets stabbed in the gut or something. He’d still be bleeding all over the place but wouldn’t die that quickly.


Good point. I'll fix that as well.


Quoted Text
Haha, you’ve got it all wrong, dude. I love zombie movies. Dead Alive is one of my favorite movies, period. So is Day of the Dead. Romero’s original trilogy is fucking classic and while I didn’t care for Land of the Dead, it had its moments. Fulci’s zombie movies weren’t as good as Romero’s but they had awesome gore scenes and I think Fulci zombies are the best of all zombies. I also love all the Resident Evil games.

I don’t really like modern zombie movies. I loved Shaun of the Dead and 28 Days Later was a masterpiece. The rest, I don’t much care for. Zombieland was fun and the DOTD remake had its moments but the old movies are way better. I also don’t like fast zombies. In 28 Days Later, they weren’t dead so it was okay. Otherwise, they don’t make sense and aren’t really scarier. Also, I think zombies look the same in all the new movies, which is totally boring.

I still have hope though...

I’m actually writing a zombie script later this year. I’ll make sure you get a sneak peak.


Ha ha okay, I am just crazy now thinking that you didn't like zombies or zombie movies (though, I'll admit it, I do like the running zombies better. Leaves more room for suspense). I loved the Dawn of the Dead remake, and 28 Days Later IS a masterpiece and don't like the fact that everyone considers them zombies when they're really people with anger management problems. I'll agree with you, Day of the Dead is possibly my favourite installment in the "...Dead" trilogy (I say trilogy because Land of the Dead and Diary of the Dead don't really count as they are 20+ years after the last film and don't really seem to feel as though they continue on with the series).

Believe it or not, I did not like Return of the Living Dead when I first watched it. I loved the second one though. It scared the shit out of me when I was watching it and I couldn't get to sleep after it. The first one I thought was just not so good and didn't really bother keeping it (but I kept it anyways). Now that I am older and I watched it again, it's just so good and great in every single way. I guess it was just because I wasn't so big on the talking zombie thing, but now that's grown on me and I find it funny.


Quoted Text
Btw Sean this was a great little script. I really enjoyed it, I'd enjoy watching it as a film as well. It's kind of a mix of Aliens, 28 Days later, Quarantine and that other one set on a ship where lots of people die. Where there is a big thing that eats them like a snake...

Anyway. I've looked through the comments and I don't have much to add. I would agree that it's a bit talky at times and the dialogue sometimes has a tendency to repeat what we already know. However the dialogue is decent in itself, just needs a bit of a hacksaw IMO.

I thought the character intro's were a little long. Be better to introduce them more during the action as we go along.

The only two things I didn't really like was that Michelle was introduced so late (Are you sure a sick puppy like you doesn't want a zombie baby in there BTW? Ha ha. Imagine the scene where Michelle is dead and then one of them notices she's still moving and then POW, the infected baby comes out. Horrid) and making them split up into singles at the start. I get why you did it, but it felt a bit obvious.


I enjoyed the script a lot though, it was a lot of fun. Well done. It's put me in the mood to watch a god zombie film, which is a good sign.


Thanks for reading, dec. Glad you enjoyed the read. I can see where you get the "Aliens" feel, but I have no idea what you're talking about when it comes to a thing that eats people like a snake, ha ha. I am working on cutting down dialogue and fixing character intros, plus Michelle's late entrance. I just need time, because I am busy with school and work and everything. It sucks. It's taken away the no-life I had before, and made it an even more no-life than before.

A zombie baby would be a huge WTF moment, and as creative an idea it is, I would never do that, ha ha. I loved the zombie baby moment in the Dawn of the Dead remake, and I don't think any homage I could pay to it would ever surpass or come near the greatness that the DOTD remake produced.

Hope you enjoyed the zombie movie you watched (if you ever did get up and watch one. I want to now )

Sean
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chism
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SPOILER ALERT

Sean,

I enjoyed your script overall. Zombies aren't normally my kind of thing, but having it contained on the boat was a nice little twist and I very much enjoyed the bookend stuff with the video cameras. I think the prologue could actually be extended and could serve to introduce a couple of the characters a little earlier, such as the captain of Hien, even if it is just for a second or two that way when they enter the story later on, we have that flash of recognition that would make character introductions feel a little less clunky.

I do have a couple of gripes, the first and most major is the character of Michelle. Considering how important she becomes towards the end, you absolutely need to introduce her much, much earlier. Having her come into the story so late and then to have this instantaneous bond with the Britt character was very clumsy and awkward and that whole bathroom scene brought the script to a complete stop. The relationship between Britt and Michelle is obviously important for the emotional story, but it needs time to grow and to feel real, that way when Britt reveals her story and motivations later on, it will feel like you've really earned that emotional punchline, rather than having it feel like it was just thrown in. That's the tricky thing with character's emotions, you can't just put them in there. You've really got to work to earn it and make it feel genuine.

Another thing that kind of bugged me was the opening of the story. The Coast Guard is called out to investigate the cruise liner because it's drifting into shipping lanes and stopping other boats? Wouldn't it seem more urgent that all contact had been lost with the Solium and that something bad must have happened? Now I have absolutely no experience or knowledge of shipping regulations, particularly in North America, but it seems to me that losing all contact with a ship is a better explanation as to why the Coast Guard is brought in.

My third (and final, I promise) gripe is the search and rescue sequence. You basically have five or six different characters wandering around five or six different parts of the ship. I know the whole horror movie splitting up thing has been brought up in other's reviews, so I won't do that here. But this sequences seems to me horribly repetitive. There are pages and pages of characters wandering through identical settings, down corridors, searching cabins, down more corridors, searching more cabins. This is a cruise liner, why not have them search in a variety of locations? Have them search through the kitchens and the engine rooms, have them go up to the officer's deck, or through one of the gyms or through the cargo hold. There must be a million locations on the cruise ship that you haven't taken advantage of here and I think it would be much more interesting to see those places, get that creepy atmosphere pumping. It'll open the script up more, give it a greater sense of scope and scale.

Having said all that, I did like this script and enjoyed it thoroughly. I had fun with some of the characters (particularly Connor and what a bastard he was) and thought the emotional through-line between Britt and Dean worked very well. Good action, really fun and imaginative gore and best of all it was a nice fresh twist on something we've all seen a million times before, especially with providing an explanation for the infection with the parasites and how they spread and where they came from. That was cool. The story flowed nicely and you had some really great visuals (Lori's death scene comes to mind.) So... sequel?
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 25th, 2010, 6:40am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zombie Sean


Thanks for reading, dec. Glad you enjoyed the read. I can see where you get the "Aliens" feel, but I have no idea what you're talking about when it comes to a thing that eats people like a snake, ha ha. I am working on cutting down dialogue and fixing character intros, plus Michelle's late entrance. I just need time, because I am busy with school and work and everything. It sucks. It's taken away the no-life I had before, and made it an even more no-life than before.



For the record, I think it was Deep Rising:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118956/

It was a decent action/horror flick. Better than the IMDb score suggests, although not a classic by any means.

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Scar Tissue Films  -  January 25th, 2010, 6:56am
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Zombie Sean
Posted: January 30th, 2010, 5:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Matt, sorry for not responding faster. I'm slacking, I'm sorry But thanks for reading, sir!



Quoted Text
I enjoyed your script overall. Zombies aren't normally my kind of thing, but having it contained on the boat was a nice little twist and I very much enjoyed the bookend stuff with the video cameras. I think the prologue could actually be extended and could serve to introduce a couple of the characters a little earlier, such as the captain of Hien, even if it is just for a second or two that way when they enter the story later on, we have that flash of recognition that would make character introductions feel a little less clunky.


You know, you can always make a B- or C-movie more interesting if it is set in a place or area where you normally wouldn't see it happen. Snakes on a plane, for instance. Or more so up this alley, zombies on a plane. They've done it, and I loved that movie. It was so much fun to watch. So why not do zombies on a cruise ship? Let's do it!

Also you do bring up a good point about showing a flash of the characters that will be seen later in the script (Hien serving the wine, Marcus in the background, etc.). Maybe I can do that so, like you said, you can recognise them later in the script (the question is, do I introduce them there, or wait until they actually are the main focus on camera?)

The Britt-Dean-Michelle scene and Michelle's late entrance has been brought up many times, so I won't go into detail about it, but I'll have you know that I am working on it.


Quoted Text
Another thing that kind of bugged me was the opening of the story. The Coast Guard is called out to investigate the cruise liner because it's drifting into shipping lanes and stopping other boats? Wouldn't it seem more urgent that all contact had been lost with the Solium and that something bad must have happened? Now I have absolutely no experience or knowledge of shipping regulations, particularly in North America, but it seems to me that losing all contact with a ship is a better explanation as to why the Coast Guard is brought in.


That was my first idea when I started writing this, but some people brought up good points that if they lost contact with Solium and sent out a search and rescue team, they'd send out many more coast guards than just a handful like we have right now because a cruise ship holds over two thousand passengers and crew, so you need a bigger search team. So I went in the direction that they haven't really lost contact with it yet, but they're just going to check it out as it is just sitting in the middle of the water.


Quoted Text
My third (and final, I promise) gripe is the search and rescue sequence. You basically have five or six different characters wandering around five or six different parts of the ship. I know the whole horror movie splitting up thing has been brought up in other's reviews, so I won't do that here. But this sequences seems to me horribly repetitive. There are pages and pages of characters wandering through identical settings, down corridors, searching cabins, down more corridors, searching more cabins. This is a cruise liner, why not have them search in a variety of locations? Have them search through the kitchens and the engine rooms, have them go up to the officer's deck, or through one of the gyms or through the cargo hold. There must be a million locations on the cruise ship that you haven't taken advantage of here and I think it would be much more interesting to see those places, get that creepy atmosphere pumping. It'll open the script up more, give it a greater sense of scope and scale.


I was going to include some scenes including the gym and the upper deck area, but I couldn't find a way to get them established, so I just stuck with being indoors, sort of a more confined space, where you only have one way to go (such as if one end of the hallway is packed with infected people, you have only one other direction to go...Kind of a claustrophobic feel?)


Quoted Text
Having said all that, I did like this script and enjoyed it thoroughly. I had fun with some of the characters (particularly Connor and what a bastard he was) and thought the emotional through-line between Britt and Dean worked very well. Good action, really fun and imaginative gore and best of all it was a nice fresh twist on something we've all seen a million times before, especially with providing an explanation for the infection with the parasites and how they spread and where they came from. That was cool. The story flowed nicely and you had some really great visuals (Lori's death scene comes to mind.) So... sequel?


I'm glad you enjoyed it! I'm glad you have fun reading it because I had fun writing it. Lori's death is one of my favourites (right after Trent's, my all-time) and when thinking it, I got a little creeped out myself. But thanks for reading and giving your time to give your critique as well!

Sean
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: March 22nd, 2010, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Sean,

I'm currently reading this. Something popped inot mind that I needed to address before I forget. On pg. 18, when Sky looses his walkie talkie, I don't think that will happen. I don't think people will be playing around at that time. lol. I know why you did it ( to lose the walkie talkie) but I think there's a better eay of handling this. Just something to note.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 2nd, 2010, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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Gabe,

I hope you've enjoyed what you've read so far. Sorry for the late-ish response, it's been a busy month for me. You do bring up a good point about that action, but I'm glad you understood the reason why I did it. I have thought of a thing or two to make him lose the walkie-talkie, so I will change that when I find the time to revise this script! Ugh, time...!


Sean
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JCShadow
Posted: April 14th, 2010, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
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Well I won't bore you with a lengthy response as most of my criticisms have already been dealt with by other members. These are definitely things you will want to look at since they are being addressed again and again.

There was quite a bit of double wording and repetitiveness in your narrative descriptions. Often times within the very same sentences.

The use of mini slugs over scene headings... I just wasn't feeling it. It was very distracting and I think you can handle it more creatively. Especially when you're doing reaction takes over multiple decks and multiple characters. Maybe handle it like a series of shots format and trim them down.

Some of the dialogue was off but nothing that was terrible by any means.

I would trim back the narrative and tweek the dialogue. I think it would go a long way to tightening up the story and help it flow better.

You have a great story and great characters but I think you would benefit from a better understanding of screenplay structure. I felt that it threw the pacing off a bit and your plot points were either late or non existent. There just doesn't seem to be anything propelling the story forward or throwing us into the next act or progression of the story. It was just more of the same once we became exposed to the infected.

With that out of the way, I really liked this story. You did a great job of building up some tension and the gore was excellent. I gave a shudder when they ripped the kids head off and cracked it open on the stairs to get to the brains.

Your characters are nicely done and I had no real problems with the way you presented them. I had a LOL moment when Connor tried to kick the door in.

One thing I might suggest to make the history between Dean and Britt more painful is perhaps she had a miscarriage (multiple miscarriages) or a still born. This would also strengthen the pay off for her reaction to Michelle and better justify her motivation to protect her at all costs.

Well done and I look forward to reading Dispatch,
John



The Door (Horror/Thriller) - 116 Pages

Currently Working On:
The Devil's Brigade
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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 18th, 2010, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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John,

Thanks for reading, and thank you for sparing me with a short response

I can't help but get repetitive when it comes to descriptions because I, for some reason, don't expand my vocabulary and try to keep it simple. I guess it's just easier for me, but then again...

I guess I'm really the only one when it comes to the mini-slugs. I thought that it'd be easier to follow, but I guess they do come out as distracting and it's definitely something I need to change. Gotta figure out how now..

Working on the plot points and them coming in earlier and stuff. Don't worry

I'm glad you like the characters and the deaths. I wanted to try and focus on the characters (besides the gore) in this one, and really give them each their own traits. And I'll work on the whole deal with Britt and Dean, and I just have to re-plan.

I'm real busy at the moment since school is occurring so I don't really have too much time on my hands for writing scripts, so I really want to try and get started on the re-write very soon when I can find the time. It just sucks, I hate not having any free time anymore. But that's the real world, I guess!

Thanks again, John, for reading. I hope you enjoy Dispatch if you get to it!

Sean
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dogglebe
Posted: April 19th, 2010, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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I stopped reading after thirty pages.  And here's why:

I've read a quarter of the script and I have yet to meet the big bad in the story.  Are they zombies?  Demons?  Flesh-eating bacteria?  We have no idea.  All we have is a massacre on a cruiseliner and it's being investigated by McHale's Navy...

Which brings me to my next problem.  The Coast Guard is a branch of the military.  They have their own version of boot camp and ranks and all that cool stuff that the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines have.  Yet you make them out like a bunch of drunken frat brothers from Alpha Kappa Fuknut.  Atleast in F-Troop, O'Rourke and Agarn saluted their C.O..  In your story, Connor is only a double-dare away from slapping his C.O. with his penis.

All of your characters are extremely cliche.  I've seen them in dozens of other movies.  The only one that was missing was the religious black dude.  We know who lives and who dies because we've watched them live or die in other movies.  The worst part was that you introduced these characters in an extremely on-the-nose, pointing out their cliches.  The only thing missing here was their IMDB listings, telling us what previous movies they died in.

Getting back to the Coast Guard, while I have never been a member, it's obvious that you haven't been either.  Dean commented on the weaponry, on page 8, is proof of this.  Coast Guard vessels are armed in a uniformed fashion.  It's not a case of let's-pack-as-much-firepower-as-we-can-without-sinking.  All Interceptors will have the same weaponry.

Dean's arrival on the Interceptor was unrealistic.  He just pops in and says, "I'm taking command?"  That doesn't sound fake to you?  Wouldn't Britt receive orders through better channels than this?  A radio message?  A fax?  Anything?

And when the crew arrives on the Solium and see that it looks like a butcher shop, what do they do?  They split up!  If anything happens to one of them, no one will know. Any killer on board can wipe them all out without even trying.  Securing he area would be priority, even before looking for survivors.  Giving the circumstances, I can't imagine them searching the ship without backup.

I wish I could be more positive with this script, Sean, but it needs work. Your descriptions of the scenes are good; this is probably your strength.  I think you just need to work on your characterization and do a little research before you work on the script.

Hope this helps.


Phil
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emcee
Posted: April 20th, 2010, 3:43am Report to Moderator
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Hey Sean.

Must be me. Must be PMS'ing or sumting. Maybe slow or just fikk! Dunno, dunno, dunno. Just doesn't hang write wid moi. Sorry mate for d tooth time. Aldough I think the idea is v.v. goot!

Em.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 24th, 2010, 10:43pm Report to Moderator
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Phil,

Honestly, I didn't expect you to read this. Didn't think it'd be your cup of tea, but then again, you have been throwing up some zombie scripts lately (which I need to start reading. You know how I like a good zombie story).

I am currently working on the next draft for this (FINALLY), so I am taking everybody's comments into consideration. My main focus is on the sluglines as I edit the script at the moment. Once I am done with those easy fixes, I can start working on the more technical aspects of the script (characters, plot, etc.).

I wanted to kind of go with the stereotypical army-type characters, the ones where they're more laid-back with their job. Yeah, it seems professional, but I thought it kept the characters more interesting. Unrealistic, yes. But then again, I've never served in the coast guard. I don't really know much about it, which is another problem I faced with this script. I always heard the whole "write what you know" stuff, but I actually did a lot of research about the coast guard and gathered up as much information as I could about it (or tried to), and I tried using it to my advantage. Mainly with the technical stuff (the equipment they use and the transportation and kind of what they do in their job). But I wanted the story to go that way rather than focusing on just survivors on the ship and turning it into an [even more] over done zombie flick.

The set up is long, but I just wanted character development for that and try and create any tension possible before things suddenly bang and everyone starts dying. It may be slow, but really, once the first person is offed, it really doesn't stop from there. It may be a bit slow in parts, but I am going to fix that up in this next rewrite.

I even changed the look of the inside of the ship when they first get inside. No massacre, all clean. You did bring up a good point about that. Plus, the whole splitting up thing really makes sense since you pointed that out, so if it didn't look like a massacre, it wouldn't be as stupid of a reason if they did split up.

Sorry that you had nothing really positive to say about the script, but that's okay. Everything said was helpful, and that's what I am looking for. Hopefully, if you give the next draft a read, you'll enjoy it (and maybe even finish it   )

emcee,

...okay? I don't really know what I got out of that post of yours, but...thanks? Glad you like the idea...



Sean
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dogglebe
Posted: April 25th, 2010, 6:30am Report to Moderator
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I'd tone down the stereotypes, at the least, especially with the asshole character.  And try not to do the dining table introductions.


Phil
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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 25th, 2010, 10:15am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dogglebe
I'd tone down the stereotypes, at the least, especially with the asshole character.  And try not to do the dining table introductions.


Phil


Will do, kangaroo. And I've already fixed the "dining table" introductions, so it should work out much better.


Sean
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Zombie Sean
Posted: September 8th, 2010, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey everyone, just a heads up: thanks to Don, a new draft for this is up and running. There aren't too many changes. The only big one was introducing Michelle earlier in the script and a couple small other changes.

Enjoy!

Sean
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 12th, 2010, 1:05am Report to Moderator
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Hello Sean,

19 years old and five drafts. Wow, that's discipline!
I like the premise of zombies on a cruise ship, neat idea.
I have ine piece of advice I'd like to share, it has served me well.

Get into a scene as late as you can and get out of it as early as you can.
It's helped me revise my work and tighten up pacing, good luck!


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Zombie Sean
Posted: September 12th, 2010, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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Right, I do try and do that. I really like a lot of talking in my scripts to build character development, so I go through my scripts often and try and pick out as much as I can in order to help move my scenes along faster.

Sean
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