All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Also! Also! Also! In addition to the fact that you use all these cliched characters, you used the dreaded dinner party introductions, just listing the characters while they sat in the SUV.
I liked the part that I read. I think the title needs some work. It's obvious why you've called it that, but it's tame.
"Long White Bones" would be better. Same source, just a lot creepier and more evocative/gothic.
The reviews on here are getting a little over serious at times. The best thing about this site is the community spirit and it seems to be becoming somehow more competitive.
There are scripts that get slated that I reckon if well produced would find fans even amongst those that savage them.
As for the whole unfilmmable thing....my favourite topic....
Leaving aside rules, right and wrong and everything else..why, oh why is it that writers seem to save so much of their best work for the stuff that won't make it to screen? This is the fundamental point that I don't get.
Since Shane Black came along this has got more and more frequent and every time it happens it seems that writers miss the opportunity to demonstrate their wit and creativity not just on the page, but on the screen as well.
I'm sorry to make an example of you here, Daniel, but maybe it will help anyway.
This line: ANDREA, in the passenger seat, head of the class, would make love to a book if not for the paper-cuts, turns the radio off...
Is really good.
It's a lot better (imho) than the diaolgue that follows it in the opening scene, which is largely concerned with someone's fart.
Why not include the wit in the scene?
EG
Andrea reads a book...
The Jock You gonna read all holiday?
Vanessa Leave her alone, I swear she'd fuck those things if she wasn't scared of the paper cuts!
Much laughter all round, there is an establishment of character and conflict early on etc and you get your fancy line on screen.
I can definitley hear where Bert is coming from with the voice thing, but why can't the voice be present on screen? Seems a shame to me that this voice that is considered so important is the thing that gets left completely out of the film.
Anyway, I can't resist these little debates.
I no longer have the time to read many features, but I definitely enjoyed the vibe of this, and I think that I'd watch it based on the hook of the little poem alone.
I had the pleasure of sitting down and tearing through your script in one sitting. Your grasp of the technical format did not hinder my reading in any way, good on you!
I have a soft squishy spot for the horror genre and this piece is no exception. I do enjoy the "Lake Placid Syndrome", as in, everyone is a jerk deserving of a gruesome demise. =p The tone here harkens me back a couple years to Adam Green's "Hatchet". Its a nifty meat grinder flick that gleefully wallows in all the horror cliches. If that's what you are going for, you sold me.
All that being said, I do have some things that rubbed me the wrong way. Your action description is far more engaging than the actual character dialogue. I want to see the smart ass that wrote those words show up in the story. I feel like the heat is turned up too fast, too soon. More exploratory build up mixed with character dialogue would be sweet before the buckets of blood. A WHOLE lot more of John Butcher than minions in the story. You went to the well one time too many, alter one of those sequences. =p Overall I felt the third act was the weakest, more build up in the prior acts will help Here's the biggest cliche I'm shocked you didn't go for... Every Michael Myers needs his Laurie Strode! Which one of those asshat kids is the distant relative to John Butcher?!?!?!
Congrats on banging out about 2 pages a day over 7 weeks! I look forward to more of your work!
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
My apologies for my late response to the reviews posted here. My computer took a steamy dump and left me without means of an electronic life... on a positive note I've rediscovered the outdoors and remembered why I hate it.
For those of you who enjoyed this story (the few misfits bold enough to claim ownership of poor judgment and crude sensibilities), I applaud your skewed sense of morality and lack of personal hygiene, but must ask that you stop sending me amputated appendages through express mail, I have my own, thank you.
For those of you which did not like this story, for reasons which I imagine are entirely rational, sane, and justifiable to the fleshy mass of humanity - remember, "chocolate is better when shared."
There's something so cartoonishly enjoyable about the tone of this story, it lifted it out of the potential quagmire of been-there-seen-that. And basing it around a creepy poem and an antagonist who for some reason reminds me of the London bogeymen of the Victorian Era, I think with a couple of rewrites, you could probably pick out the bones (again, pun intended) and build something pretty unique.
The only bones I have left are being used to prop up my ego...
Quoted from Dreamscale
I can't go on, as I know exactly where this is going...
You must go on, the anti-depressants are in the mail.
Popped this one open and ended up reading it in one sitting...
...
Overall, this is a tight, well written script. Good horror moments, great dialogue and good characters - although they are cliched. You embrace everything about this genre and work with it. The biggest drawback is the concept, which isn't unique and the 3rd Act which is a let down compared to your 1st/2nd Act.
Stew
My third act cried itself to sleep after reading your comments, but it felt its eventual euthanasia on the horizon anyway.
Quoted from Dreamscale
Sorry for all this, Daniel. Sometimes a little controversy helps,. though, you know?
You should know by now my skin is as thick as a nickel-plated, cadmium enforced, steel-girded double-penetrated Hollywood prostitute.
Quoted from dogglebe
I read only two or three pages into it, to where the Indian appears. I put it down; it was a painful two or three pages.
What you need to do, Dan, is stop writing scripts and work on your character developing skills.
Phil
Did it slap you across the face and leave a mushroom-shaped bruise? It has a habit of doing that.
I had the pleasure of sitting down and tearing through your script in one sitting. Your grasp of the technical format did not hinder my reading in any way, good on you!
...
All that being said, I do have some things that rubbed me the wrong way. Your action description is far more engaging than the actual character dialogue. I want to see the smart ass that wrote those words show up in the story. I feel like the heat is turned up too fast, too soon. More exploratory build up mixed with character dialogue would be sweet before the buckets of blood. A WHOLE lot more of John Butcher than minions in the story. You went to the well one time too many, alter one of those sequences. =p Overall I felt the third act was the weakest, more build up in the prior acts will help Here's the biggest cliche I'm shocked you didn't go for... Every Michael Myers needs his Laurie Strode! Which one of those asshat kids is the distant relative to John Butcher?!?!?!
Congrats on banging out about 2 pages a day over 7 weeks! I look forward to more of your work!
I'm sharpening my knives to slice up the third act, it shivers in the corner, whimpering for its existence...
I appreciate everybody's feedback, even those who hate my work. Thank you all for your comments and for taking the time to reflect on this little slice of my mind. Next time I'll serve a side-dish.
I didn't get past the first page, so I can't comment on the story or characters. I can, however, comment on the first page.
EXT. FOREST - DAY A thick forest.
Why is this here? Put it in the slug line.
Sunlight flickers through the dense foliage.
Why is the sun flickering? Sunlight would flicker between the trees with a moving POV, but you haven't written that.
It does not reach the ground.
No sunlight reaches the ground? Are we in darkness? How high is the camera that it can see the sunlight flickering?
Frantic footsteps.
You've put this here, as part of the setting. Is that intentional? It reads like the footsteps began with the scene. Are footsteps on a forest floor really distinguishable?
GHOSTLY VOICES (V.O.) Have you seen the Ghost of John?
Can the voices be heard in the scene (ie, diegetic)? If so, it's O.S., not V.O. And why is "ghost" capitalized?
A LAND SURVEYOR bursts through the bushes. He drops his clipboard, but manages to keep his helmet.
How does the audience know he's a land surveyor? Does it say "land surveyor" on the screen when he appears? The audience never sees him doing anything but fleeing. He's a guy with a clipboard and a helmet (did you mean "hardhat"?). He drops the clipboard from his hand "but manages to keep his helmet." Is he also holding the helmet in his hand?
How can there be bushes if the foliage is so dense that no light reaches the ground?
He trips over a rock and tumbles to his knees. He looks back into the woods. Twigs SNAP and CRUNCH.
He looks back and sees twigs snapping and crunching?
GHOSTLY VOICES (V.O.) Long white bones with the skin all gone.
He gets up and flees.
EXT. THE CABIN - DAY He bursts through the woods.
He bursts "through" the woods? Is he strapped to a rocket?
His truck idles behind the cabin. He runs towards it.
Wait, are we in front of the cabin, or behind it? Can we see the truck? How do we know it's his truck? It seems like he came to some random cabin. It's also slightly unclear whether "it" is the cabin or the truck.
Are the ghosts...singing? In my head I heard "juicy" after reading this line. I think ghostly chanting or moaning could work, but I don't think you've conveyed it effectively.
He reaches for the handle.
How far is he from the truck? As far as we've been told, he's still running toward it.
A hand darts out from beneath the truck.
What kind of hand? A child's? A big man's? What does the hand do? As you've written it, it darts out then just hangs there, motionless. Does it grab at him? Drum its fingers?
He stumbles backwards onto the ground.
Wasn't he on the ground already? Or do you mean he falls?
A WHITE FACE disappears behind one of the tires.
I missed the part where the face appeared. Has it been visible the whole time? What does "white" mean? Pale? Painted white? If this is same entity that owns the hand, why was the hand not described as white?
Which tire? That may seem trivial, but you want to play the movie in the reader's mind. You need details like that.
Does the man see the face?
GHOSTLY VOICES (V.O.) Wouldn’t it be chilly with no skin on?
He scrambles to his feet and runs towards the cabin.
Why is running away from an unlocked, idling vehicle? Even if there's something under it, it's obviously his best means of escape.
INT. THE CABIN - DAY
That should be "INT. THE CABIN - DAY - CONTINUOUS."
He bursts through the door and slams it shut.
This guy does a lot of bursting, huh? That's the third time on one page.
Sweat drips down his cheeks. His breath is ragged, teetering on hysteria.
His breath is teetering on hysteria?
He peers out the broken window. Behind him, the shadows in the room thicken. They creep towards him.
What broken window? Was it right in front of his face when he bursted in?
I agree with everything Atlas covered, though he made it further than I did. Shouldn't the 'ghost' have some (CONT'D) by his dialogue?
I have actually heard of this ghost before, rhyme and all. Might want to clarify a lot of the first scene, it didn't grab me as much as I hoped it would.
Good concept, original ghost idea. Best of luck to you.
I'll give this a read. I must say though both Atlas and adam.baker84 seem to be extreamly lazy if all they want to do is bash a script based on less than one page. I am new here and am still quietly learning. I don't pretent to know anything about writing scripts...Yet.
But to give such harsh back handed comments without reading any of the script what so ever strikes me as lazy and arragant.
I supposed I am at a disadvantage here. I dont go to movie often at all. I have read things from other posters that refer to this being done before and that may well be. I, myself find the writing witty and campy. I doid see a movie a hundred years ago called Friday the 13th. at the drive in. That must date me. This has the same taste to it as that film.
Gore and slash mixed with stumbling bad luck. A good combination I think. Whether it's been done "to death" I will leave to the experts here.
So far though, I am enjoying it. Thanks for the chance to allow me to read it.
Pages: 
Author
The Ghost of John
Logged
Locked Board