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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  A Dark Place Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Dark Place  (currently 1262 views)
Don
Posted: October 30th, 2011, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Dark Place by R. Martin - Horror - A horrifying true story of demonic possession set against the backdrop of the great dust storms of the 1930's. 103 pages - pdf, format


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BoinTN
Posted: January 24th, 2012, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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First things first, some formatting-

You don't need your scene numbers, that's for production drafts.  Also, where's your "Fade in."?  I used to leave that out, too until a producer once told me that all scripts should have a Fade In/Fade Out.  As he put it, it's respect for the form.

"The following text fades in over black:" = Super:

Pg. 2 - "Pull back slowly on" is camera direction.  Avoid it when possible.  Again, that's a production script thing.

Pg. 2 - The description of Etta in bed is seven lines long.  Tighten it up, shoot for no more than four.  In some cases, longer is justified, but the more white space for a reader, the better.

Pg. 3 - Again, a description issue.  The line is "Addie reaches for the water glass on the table and pours a little down Etta's parched throat."  It's descriptive, but that's not the marching order in script format.  You're going for succinct, immediate.  "Addie places a glass of water to Etta's lips."  Remember, it's not a novel.  Omit needless words.

Pg. 5 - The description of the garden includes a line about how the birds have carried seed away.  How would the viewer know this?  Your descriptions should be visual, unless there is an aside to inform a character motivation, but that's rare and not generally considered standard.  Remember the mantra, show, don't tell.

Pg. 6 - Another mention of only Polish.  AT this point I'm wondering why you wouldn't say "Addie and Etta speak in Polish." one time and make a distinction for English.

Pg. 7 - "Addie is fixing the days meager meal."  Watch your possessives.  Also, try to stay in present tense, i.e., "Addie prepares the day's meal."

Pg. 13 - Okay, now we're cooking a little.  The scene with Addie fleeing the shadowy creature works, and there's a sense of real threat.  Fantastic.  Now, cut out the needless description, keep it bare bones, and I bet you'd lose two-three pages.  Have a tight first ten pages.  This scene with Addie and the demon should happen no later than page 10.  Set up your characters, set up your theme, set up your story, set up the stakes, all by page ten, if possible.  So far, I see characters, setting, beginnings of the story.

Aside from the above issues which occur throughout the script, I would say the other big issue is pacing.  I like the setting here, and the stranger coming to a house of evil has been used before to good effect.  Part of the issue is overwriting.  All writers suffer from the enjoyment of hearing themselves write.  That's fine for a first draft, but get rid of it on your second pass.  It's just hubris, at a certain point.  Also, this overwriting can slow down the story.  This could easily be ten pages shorter, and a brisker read, by omitting some unnecessary description.

Overall, the story is relatively sound, the characters don't have  ton of depth, but the script is built for scares, not a character study.  Sharpen the writing, give yourself a good scare beat every ten pages or so, something to keep the reader turning the pages, and maybe heighten the stakes at the end and it could make for a fun horror flick.

Also, keep in mind that, if you have a producer reading you, all the formatting stuff takes a backseat to the story you're telling  If you're courting a producer, clean it up.  The producer, or more precisely the producer's reader, will thank you for it.
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