My bad, it has opened since my last post!

Nothing happened on my end where it shouldn't open, but that seems to happen sometimes on Dropbox for some reason.

Okay I've read it.

First off the bat bravo, it had this eerie kind of nightmarish feel that some of the best horrors, for me personally have - there aren't many movies that seep in and unsettle me, most perhaps shock me with the odd "JUMP" scene. But I feel this would probably do that if ever filmed.  Other examples of this are Salem's Lot - it has such a nightmareish feel to it as the events close in on the characters and also, strange choice but an old movie Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight, I think that's correct. I was about 14 when I watched it, but something about it unsettled me in the nightmare-esque way I mentioned earlier.

I can see how people dislike the death of Daniel, it really pushes the barriers (and again with the death of Mrs. Coughlin). Now the seasoned horror fan maybe fine with that, I'd still continue to watch although I would of course be shocked by it. However I know a lot of people who would lost interest or perhaps switch channels, if it were on TV, as it might be a bit too much. Fictional stories are an escape from reality, and while it keeps the reader on the edge of their seat when characters are in danger, the slaughter of extreme innocents - such as children tends to push you right off of that seat and onto the floor - painfully. But still as I say, the seasoned horror vet or moviegoer would probably dig the controversy.

A lot of characters too, it was late when I read it so I was a bit tired but this scene suddenly appeared with David and a guardsman who fired something at the hospital? What was all this about??

I felt the ending was slightly abrupt, but it wrapped up nicely and likeable characters survived, which is always refreshing.

All in all a good piece, and who knows with rewrites and revisions it maybe picked up by someone - if it hasn't already?


EDIT: Reading above, quick note - don't replace Marcus, good character - likeable, non-hollywood action hero-esque lead works well.

Thanks Goose, appreciate the read.

The Guardsmen scene was about creating a diversion. They fired the smoke bombs onto the roof so that the fire trucks would be admitted when they showed up at the gate.

It hasn't been picked up or shopped, but I did consult with someone who has produced/directed a few films, including horror. He believes it has potential, had some suggestions for reworking it. Need to get the cost of some of the scenes down, too. He liked the first half, but felt the second half seemed like a different story, or had a different feel to it. Maybe I can fix it up. Thanks for reading!

Yeah, I think I'd touch only lightly on bringing back these creatures in the story and fully concentrate on the predator creautres.

Hey Kev,

Last week was a bit of a jumble around here.
So, I'll pick this up on page thirty-six...

P. 39
Kara's line.
I don't have one. But whatever it is,
I'm not sittin' around waiting for what
it'll do next. It's time to hit back.

I didn't buy this for a second.
This kind of bravura belongs in an action film.
Feels as artificial as James talking about Marcus's destiny like a common fact.
The baby is more shocking mystery than a call to arms, IMO.

P. 40
Typo.
stands a several inches taller than Melissa.

P. 42
The dialogue borders on mustache curling evil at times, IMO.

We ruled this world, predators like no
other. We WILL rule it again.

It reeks of caricature. An ancient supernatural predator terrorizing children.
What's the point? That's a thrilling hunt? Doesn't sound formidable to me.

P. 44
Aw, not into French kissing yet?
See page forty-two notes. This is mega left field.
I'm really struggling to find a foothold in this world.
Abrupt tonal shifts coupled with devil may care exploitative violence. Not for me.
I don't buy into it when the first forty pages painted a less cartoonish picture.

P. 46
Going from child murder to the heartwarming church retard is too much for me.
I'm sure his weak mind will be exploited soon too.
For me, that would be like watching Sean Penn in "I Am Sam" go all pea soup.
Now that could be funny, but I know that's not the tone you're after.

These elements aren't gelling for me.
Sorry, but I don't think I have anything else constructive to offer this draft.

I maintain this script has the same problem that I have with Messiah...

You've created an intriguing world...
But I don't think you're telling the most interesting story you can in that world.

I feel like you're still circling that crackling narrative that will sizzle the page.
And I feel more of the same with this story, but the tone's a jumble here, IMO.

I've gone through that with Clone Wife to varying degrees.
And I'm still refining the most captivating tale that I can tell there too.

Best of luck with this. I hope the fractured notes have some value to you.

Regards,
E.D.