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Willowick by James Williams (jwent6688 ) - Horror - Shortly after moving into an old house in small town Ohio, a family learns the legend of an old woman who used to live there that everyone thought was a witch. This story prompts them to renovate their basement, but, in the process, they unleash the old woman's soul that has been imprisoned there for decades.... 99 pages - pdf, format
Also, thanks to Bert and Jonnyboy who read the opening of this... Like, two years ago. Ask me to write a five pager in 48 hrs and I'll knock one out. Let me write for myself and I'm a lazy bastard.
My two New Year's resolutions were to quit smoking and finish my first feature, one out of two ain't bad.
I asked Don to keep this from the Unproduced homepage for now. We're gonna shoot a trailer for it this spring. Unfortunately, there isn't much to shoot here in Willowick in the winter.
Purposely held off on reading some of the vets' features for this. Consider it a review exchange if ya like. This is big budget horror. Gonna have to get creative with the marketing here to get it any attention from the studios who could make it.
Again, Been working on this for three years. Mostly it just sat on my PC and I never touched it. Eitherway, my opinion of it is so jaded I don't even know if its any good. Thanks in advance for any who give it a read.
Hey Cleveland, as promised, I jumped on your script as soon as I saw it and gave it a read. I did not take detailed notes and did not do any editing whatsoever, but I will tell you that you definitely need to give this a few more reads and do some editing, as there are numerous mistakes and typos around.
The way I did this was to read approximately 30 pages at a time and then write down my thoughts and notes, so understand that nothing was written down until I stopped reading each segment. Otherwise, there’s just no way I can stop myself from bringing up most of the mistakes I see, and I’ve found that people really don’t want to know about exact mistakes, so I decided not to waste my time doing it any longer. Pages 1 – 29
WRITING
First of all, the good news is that not only am I still reading, but I never thought about stopping. You know this is far from the usual situation with me, so take that as a pat on the back.
Although I think there are many flaws to your writing and writing style, it does have a certain something going for it…a cinematic feel, I’ll call it, and that is a compliment.
You have a tendency to use way more periods than you should, and because of that your writing tends to read slower than it should. I’m referring to your choice to omit your subject from many “sentences” (in reality, they’re fragments) that you could (and should) simply combine to the prior sentence, using a comma. IMO, this makes the read more fluid and actually quicker and easier. Try it in a few places and see if you agree or not.
I also find there to be lots of awkward lines, and/or phrasings, but some of that is due to the above issue. Other reasons for the awkwardness is word choices, sentence structure, and even use of unnecessary words or phrases. Don’t get me wrong, the writing is far from bad, but there are many places you can make this look and read much better.
You also have a tendency to alter your voice a bit and go in and out of passive and active writing. It ain’t a big deal, but when it happens, it does stand out. Just something to think about and look for.
Some orphans running around that could be easily done away with, but less than 1 per page, so no big deal.
Biggest writing issue to me is your Slug use. IMO, there are numerous problems and inconsistencies that you should look at and clean up. Some downright make no sense, while others are personal choices you’re making. I’m sure some are merely oversights on your part. If I were you, though, I would give it serious consideration and look at every one of them very closely and I bet you’ll see what I’m talking about.
STORY
As I said, I’m still reading, so you’ve done better than 90% of the scripts I attempt to read.
IMO, your intro is too long and also a bit unclear at times (the POV thing of “The Damned” is a perfect example). It’s a huge expense and at this point, I don’t know if it’s justified or even makes sense. It is an interesting opening, however, so we’ll see how it ties in.
I think it could be an issue with all the V.O. from Sariyah (interesting name, BTW – I did look it up and see its meaning, which is cool and shows an attention to detail from the writer I rarely ever see), as I don’t know if a viewing audience would have any clue who’s speaking, as through 30 pages, Sariyah has only had like 3 lines, I think. Again, I will say that it is intriguing, though, so we’ll see where it goes.
Through 29 pages, IMO, everything is a tad long and overwritten as well as “overshown”, meaning, I don’t think you need as much of each scene as your showing. I mean, we’re just now about to find out what this backstory/ghost story is, and IMO, it’s a bit late at Page 30. I’d recommend cutting this back at least 7 or 8 pages (and that actually could be cutting the intro WAY back, as well as some dialogue here and there). Again, let’s see how it plays out from here and I’ll have a better feel for what I’m saying.
Lots of characters so far, probably too many, but there are definitely some likable ones, and that’s always very important. In the same breath, IMO, there seems to be too many storylines taking place at once, and I’m having trouble keeping up and/or figuring out if they’re all necessary or needed. We’ll see as I continue.
I do like the main story line going on and am interested in finding out where it’s going to go and how it’s going to get there.
I want to add something that I’m having trouble with, and it’s a believability issue. I know I look at this sort of stuff differently than all others, but IMO, it’s important, so here goes…
Jane is 26 and Tom is 31. Their son, Sammy is 7, meaning Jane was 19 when he was born, and most likely did not go to college, yet she’s a teacher now. No big deal, but here’s the real issue – they just moved from somewhere (which is expensive – I should know, as my ass has been moving around the country like a madman), Tom doesn’t work, teachers don’t make much money, Sammy has a serious medical condition, which is expensive even with great medical benefits, and they’re buying a 3 story house that’s the biggest in the neighborhood. This doesn’t make much sense to me and is a serious sticking point for me in buying what I’m being fed.
I’m also having difficulty believing the instant relationship between Mark and Tom, as there is a wide age gap and no reason for them to bond the way they do. Maybe more importantly, here’s a single scene that runs 9 pages and we haven’t even gotten into the ghost story he needs to tell. Yes, it does provide characterization and it’s done well, but IMO, it’s just too drawn out and we’re badly in need of some horror, IMO.
Final notes on the first segment – pretty good. Has a cinematic quality to it. Interesting, likable characters. Too slow and too drawn out, with too long dialogue exchanges on a general basis, IMO. Tough to keep track of all the different characters and potential story lines. This 2nd segment will be very important to see how these characters and storylines are tied together and if we can get things going and ramp up some horror.
Jeff knows i'm hammered today. Very happy with his review so far. Hope you finish to, Stevie. It's honestly the best I can write on my own. Am at bowling alley. Will address Jeff's points tomorrow. Cheers!
OK, so one thing I didn’t mention in the first portion, was that I could feel a very solid and familiar structure going on and it seemed pretty clear where this was going to go and how it was going to get there. And the interesting thing is that this could be a good or bad thing, depending on how you look at it, as well as how it all plays out. It’s the old double edged sword.
But, I have to tell you, the script has taken an unexpected turn, and this is also a double edged sword. Where I sit now, I have to be honest and tell you I think there is a major flaw in the structure (and you know me and how I feel about predetermined structure), but I can’t be sure until I get all the way done.
James, I also have to tell you in all honesty that your writing in this middle section is not as strong as it was in the beginning. I’m talking about the technical writing itself, as well as the story writing, description, and where we’ve gone and how we’ve gotten here.
Many times, I’ve been very confused on where we were and what exactly was going on. I’m pretty sure there are some mistakes. I actually jotted down the following, as I didn’t want to forget what page it occurred on.
Page 43/44 – Sariyah is mentioned here – is that a mistake, as she hasn’t been in the scene. This entire scene is confusing as written…probably a mistake in here. Actually, up to Page 49 – problems, IMO. Unclear altogether. The writing is much weaker here than I’ve seen so far. Even the actual events and “story” are lacking here, IMO.
STORY
I am extremely unclear what this “POV OF THE DAMNED” is all about. Not only is it unclear on paper, I would imagine that in a filmed version, it would be even more unclear, leaving your audience saying “What the fuck’s going on?”.
I also think it’s a mistake how you intro’d “the witch”, as well as calling her “the witch”. It came out of left field at first, but the 2nd time I saw it, I felt like I really didn’t know what it was or really why it’s here. I’m not sure if you ever CAPPED her first intro, either.
There are a vast number of storylines and plot points going on and at this point, I would say it feels a bit jumbled, or just too many things going on at once that don’t feel connected, but again, maybe you’re going to tie them all up neatly in the final third…we’ll see.
I see you’re veering off course here and are opening up a mystery type back story that you’re (hopefully) slowly dropping clues to us, on what happened to the sheep lady and who was involved with her demise and why. I’ve seen several horror movies that work this way and it can work, but at this point, it’s hard to say, as I’m very confused now with how much is going on. So, again, I’ll say, we’ll see how it plays out and where it goes.
I think a basic problem, as I said earlier, is the amount of characters and the fact that many (possibly) aren’t necessary. Was James intro’d earlier? If so, I completely forgot about him, as it had to be at least 30 pages since we first saw him, so his demise wasn’t something that I was truly engaged in (unlike Tom, who I was rooting for and assuming would come out of it alive. Other characters would be the 15 year old chicks intro’d 50 or so pages ago, who haven’t surfaced since. And then, there’s Mark, who had a very long scene at the end of the first section, told the backstory, and now has gone AWOL since. IMO, these lapses or disappearances are a problem, and also a potential to lose, if they don’t resurface at some point soon.
So, for this middle section, I am very surprised you killed off a character who seemed to be one of your main Protags, which is both good and bad, depending on where we go. I’m also surprised at the direction we’ve turned, which is both good and bad. On the negative side, though, this section needs some attention in terms of the actual writing, your descriptions, your scene setups, and scene choices in general.
One important quick note before I forget – you need to do a search for “passed” – the majority of the time, it should be “past”. Make the corrections throughout the entire script.
Page 89 – Check this out – “The witch” 4 times in a row, all right on top of each other. You need to change this up here, as it looks really bad.
Also, dude, clean up the last 2 blank pages of the PDF – you can’t be excused for that.
OK, on to the final 33 pages…
First and foremost, I was very confused throughout these pages and had to continuously reread passages and entire scenes. When it was all said and done, I was also left unsure of what actually happened, why, and what your intent was.
I’m all for ambiguity when it’s the writers or directors aim, but I don’t think that’s what you were after here. If I’m incorrect, I apologize, but I just have this feeling that you didn’t get down on paper exactly what you were after here.
The motivations of “the witch” (which I strongly recommend you rename and rethink) didn’t make sense to me, nor did I understand…at all. And I think that’s a big flaw here as we need to understand our Antag’s situation and motivation, if not throughout the script/movie, at least by the end.
I also had literally no clue what “The Damned” was or had to do with anything here. In a filmed version, no one would have a clue what these POV’s were, where they were coming from, or what they meant.
I am clueless as to how the witch was destroyed…or why. The spider stuff came completely out of left field and I don’t get it (or like it, being arachnophobic, myself).
The final end teaser was also lost on me with Alexa, as to when this was, where she was, what she was doing, or what she found. Maybe I missed something along the way, but it didn’t work for me and left me thinking WTF?
As I said in the middle feedback, IMO, your description writing was lacking again, and maybe this is why I was left so confused. I don’t know, but there were some definite cool scenes (like in the hospital with the witch doing cool shit) that you just didn’t deliver on, and I have to blame the writing.
On a semi-positive note, I can and have seen many movies like this in which I wanted to like it, but just felt like a lot was missing, a lot didn’t make any sense, and a lot should have/could have been done so much better. And, I actually want you to understand that this comment is actually a compliment. Like I said early on, your writing does show a cinematic touch, but it’s not written visually enough (for me) and the end product just didn’t seem to jive together or make a whole lot of sense.
OK, some detailed comments that hopefully will make sense and help.
I see the effort behind this and it shows, and that is a compliment. There is attention to detail and I bet the story is much clearer in your head than it comes across on the page.
IMO, there are way too many unrelated things going on that both detract from the final product and also make it hard to follow and become engrossed in. There seems to be quite a deep back story here that didn’t make it to the final script. If I watched this movie, I would bet that a bunch of important scenes remained on the cutting room floor and should not have been cut out.
On the same note, IMO, there are way too many unnecessary characters intro’d who have major screen time, but aren’t important and/or completely disappear and have no bearing on anything other than the time we spent with them. I think you need to cut a lot of them and focus more on what’s important here.
The intro proved to be completely unnecessary to me and I still don’t get its relevance at all. First of all, I’m confused as to what this ship was even doing or who the passengers were, where they were coming from, or where they were going. I have no idea how this played into the story of the witch. IMO, your intro should focus on Yalda and set your tone and back story right up front, because as it is now, we never really get much of her story, and to me, that’s a big issue.
The structure was also an issue and again, you know me and my feelings about structure and lack of standard structure. This just didn’t work for me as written and had an odd meandering back and forth feel that never really seemed to gel, and I blame the strange structure for that. It may come down to motivations, it may come down to who your real Protag(s) are, but I couldn’t quite figure it out and a lot of that has to do with how much things jumped around.
A final comment for you and others who will be reading this. People think I go out of my way to shoot scripts, writing, and people down. Others may think I play favorites by being “nicer” to certain people. I may come off as more subjective and nicer to certain writers, but that’s merely because I feel certain writers deserve more than others, but I don’t play favorites, I don’t pull punches, and I do give my honest opinions that are always meant to help, not put down or hurt. As a writer, I think you’ve come a long way and I think you do have something that shows talent and thought here, but as it sits now, I think it needs a lot of work and much more thought.
I could actually easily see how someone would want to turn this into a movie, as it has a different vibe, has some potentially cool scenes, good characters, and some twists most scripts don’t have. But, if it is turned into a film, in anywhere near its present state, I don’t see how it would work on film, and IMO, it is the writer’s job to provide a script that covers all the bases, dots all the I’s, and crosses all the T’s.
Hopefully you get lots of good feedback here that will give you some ideas on where you want to take this and how you want to change it. These are merely my personal opinions and as always, I recommend the writer take what makes sense and discount what doesn’t.
For your first effort at a feature, I think this shows promise, talent, and skill, but also is in need of lots of work, in terms of both story and actual writing. But, James, my man, you’ve definitely done 1 thing, and that’s prove to everyone that you are more than capable of writing a feature, so I give you all the credit in the world here, man. I really do.
Hope this helps and makes sense and doesn’t come off as harsh or assholish. Take care and let me know if I can help any further.
This script appeared right on schedule. Finished it, and it was a pretty quick read. Kept notes as I went along. So here we go:
The opening scene was written quite vividly, but it did go on a bit long. At seven pages, I just don't think had enough impact on the overall story to justify its length. I thought you were going to somehow weave this paddleboat tragedy into the main storyline, but that never really happened.
On p 5, "Leisure suit" I might be wrong on the history of this term, but I always thought that was a 1970's fashion thing. Everytime I read it, i kept picturing a dude decked out in polyester.
I couldn't grasp what you were going for with this "POV of the Damned" You use it several times throughout the script, but i never got how it tied into the story. As I understand it, it's the view of earthbound spirits who are damned to walk the earth?
On p 7, after LATER, you say a hundred bodies "occupy it", but you never specify what it is. I assumed you meant mass grave, but you want to clarify that.
I'm not a fan of excessive VOs and these narrations from Safiyah are a bit much. I don't think you need them.
That sounds like a hell of a house for a family in this kind of financial situation. Maybe if Jane came from a wealthy family that might explain it. Also, I wanted to know what the location of the house was in reference to the location of the paddleboat tragedy.
P 9 "loan" lightbulb should be lone.
You misspell Sheriff Colston's character slug as "Sherrif Colston" throughout the script.
The sudden appearance of Walter was interesting, because it happens so matter-of-factly. It was at this point that I assumed this was going to be a haunted house tale because you established all the classic elements. Creepy past of the house. Creepy well in the basement. Creepy ghost kid hangin around. Check, check and check. But, then you intro Safiyah and Bee(Aunt Bee, lol), James the coroner and Alexa Miller. So, I wasn't sure whose story this was at this point.
IMO, this is where the story began to lose its focus and concentration of suspense and tension. There were too many threads pulling the story in different directions. The classroom scene alone lasts from pages 16-20 and in the end, had no effect on the story at all and you never used any of those characters you intro'd, except for Alexa at the very end.
p 20 "effects" should be affects
It felt like Mark should have appeared much sooner, and that the sheep lady should have been the engine driving this story forward. But he comes in kinda late and that scene lasts for 12 pages. Mark just seems too "convenient" because he shows up, tells us the entire story of the sheep lady and we pretty much never see him again. There has to be a more creative, cinematic and compact way of getting this crucial backstory into the narrative.
p 29 "peaked" should be piqued.
Since Tom breaking the slab is what releases the witch, I think that needs to happen much sooner. I think that should be the event that sets things in motion here.
Now, of all the different characters and subplots you have here, I found the family and their experiences in the house by far to be the most interesting. So, when you start to change the scenes back to Safiyah and Aunt bee, I found my interest slipping. But, it was a very cool and visceral shock when they discover Aunt Bee dead with the bible shoved down her throat.
p42 "spicket" should be spigot
p 43 Is it Safiyah or Bee that pulls the plug? Safiyah just sort of materializes there.
I've seen baby monitors used so often in horror movies that I think they've become cringe-worthy. I'd dump that scene.
Tom's death is intense and I was surprised you offed of your main characters. But I liked it because it was unexpected.
p 59 "passed" should be past
Also on 59, when Safiyah says "Sam, Sam", is she talking to the Sheriff or to Sammy? That confused me.
No reaction from Colston when he sees Tom's head bounce on the stairway landing?
James is back in the story, but its been so long I kinda forgot who he was. Not sure how all that exhumation stuff he talked about earlier plays into the story at hand. With Angie's death, i think it would have worked better if we saw the lights flicker in the bar first, then go out. But, overall James felt like a disposable character who you didn't really need.
What happened to the SWAT raid at dawn? We went from the house to the hospital, but then we wind up at the cemetery for Tom's funeral? Definitely felt like a missing scene there.
I did like some parts of the final showdown with the witch at the hospital, although I wish you explained her sudden appearance in the hallway more. I also liked how Jane gave up her life to save her son. Although, the logic got a little fuzzy for me. I know it comes back to this POV of the damned and how the spider creatures drag off Jane and sheep lady to hell. But, since she killed herself for a higher purpose, would Jane really go to hell?
Get rid of those blank pages at the end.
Safiyah's VOs get excessive at the end again. It felt like you used her to wrap up every loose end. And then, I had to look back and remember who Alexa Miller was because it had been so long since I last saw her. I didn't get the last scene. I think I would have preferred just ending on Sammy alive in the hospital with his mother's heart in him.
I liked parts of this, but my interest sort of ebbed and flowed depending on who was in the scene. It felt to me like you had the classic setup for a haunted house tale, but wanted to tell a more expansive story that included people from all over Willowick. But there were too many incongruous elements for me. The paddleboat scene at the beginning hardly played any factor, with the exception of Walter's presence, and it didn't have anything to do with the sheep lady. The main story should have been this family versus the sheep lady, but there were too many detours on that main storyline.
I kept thinking of Amityville Horror(original) with your setup. Young family moves into old house(more house than they could afford), and wind up battling a powerful, entrenched enemy within the very walls. Sure, that flick had plenty of cheesy scenes, but it kept the focus on the family versus the demon. Every scene set up the next one. There are peripheral characters like the priest, but they are kept to a minimum. I think Willowick could benefit from this kind of focus and intensity.
I think this script has real potential and with a rewrite, could get very intense and frightening. Good luck shooting the trailer.
I had a free moment at work today and thought I'd give your script a read. First off, congrats on finishing a feature!!
I will comment as I go. My first thought after reading the log line though is that the story doesn't sound very fresh. Sounds like something we've seen many times before. Hopefully you put a fresh spin on it.
Page 1. Just curious if turpentine was used on steamboats back then? I have no idea, that's why I'm asking. It just seems like an odd thing to have in the cargo hold. Maybe odd is the wrong word, maybe convenient is better.
Page 4. Good going so far. You got my interest for sure. ” The drum of turpentine blisters its paint”. To me that line reads awkward. Maybe that's just me.
I am curious why you write aerial shot. Why not just write EXT. STEAMBOAT - NIGHT? I'm sure if this went into production that they would use aerial shots it just seems odd for the writer to dictate the shots.
Page 5. Fro? Is that really the word you want to use here?
You're being very specific with the 7 feet of water.
Page 6. I like the POV of the damned, but I had a hard time at 1st picture ” him”. I was wondering who the heck he was. Still creepy and good though.
Page 7.” At least 100 dirty bodies occupy it”. It what? And a priest stands at the opening! Opening of what?
Page 8. This is just my opinion of course, but I think you're better off describing the house as Victorian for example rather than telling us it's three stories and is plain blue with scarlet shutters.
Page 9. Lone, not loan.
Page 10. I noticed that Jane and Tom both say heck. Nothing wrong with that per se, but it does make them sound like when they talk.
So they decided to buy the house after just seeing the foyer, laundry room and the basement? Now that seems a little strange don't you think? If I were you, I would rework that slightly. At least show them the kitchen or the bedroom. Something more important than the laundry room.
Page 11. Again, not saying there's necessarily anything wrong with it, but Sammy is 7 Jane is 26. That means she got pregnant when she was 18. Nothing wrong with it, but personally I would probably make Jane a couple of years older.
So far in this exterior scene we have had Jane and Sammy interacting. There has been no mentioning of Tom yet all of a sudden he nods. In my opinion whenever you start a new scene we should know who is in it and what they are doing. Otherwise it reads really weird when we suddenly find out that they were there the whole time we just didn't know about it.
I have to be honest here, I'm sure that there will be a reason why Sammy has some sort of medical issue, however, it also feels cliché.
Page 12. She has a small pad of paper hanging around her neck? Seems odd.
Page 13. I wish you would let us know what Walter looks like now. Does he look exactly the same as he did on the boat? Is he wearing the same old clothes from back then? Or does he looked pale and his clothes torn?
I am on page 20 now. So far, I like it. I will continue to read tomorrow. Right now, I'm thinking Jane is supposed to be our ” hero”. Tom hasn't really been in the picture much, but Sammy has. So in my opinion it's not 100% clear who our hero is. Which could be a problem. Being 20 pages into the script we should also by now kind of know who the antagonist is. And I'm not sure about that yet. Somehow, Walter does not seem to be it. Of course the beginning of the script is At a different time. So the story at present time is really just 10 pages or so. In other words, it might be okay the way it is right now.
I've seen this floating at or near the top of the portal the last few days I intend on being around -- I'm at a republican straw poll convention now, waitin to hear from Cynthia Davis, but I cracked it open and read the 1st 10 pages.
I want to finish reading at a more stable, comfortable environment -- but in the meantime:
I see you have a tendency to overwrite a bit. Tons of "the's" and other filler words litter and otherwise clean, efficient read.
Try something like the below suggestion for your opening scene. It cuts out 2 "the's".
"the moon ripples atop disturbed waters - a two story peddle steamer cuts through its reflection."
I see,no problem with your pov, other than how it's worded. I understand exactly what your going for and how "i" could visualize it.
I suggest you write it as such, tho:
POV OF THE DAMNED
Skewed, out of focus - no moon, everything void of color, detail and pattern.
That takes care of the 2 dreaded "is" words. It also suggests more than forces.
Anyways, 10 in and it's hitting on the right circuits for interest... Things are taking shape and moving along at a decent pace. I'm gonna try and finish it when I get home later.
Huge thanks for reading this so quickly and the helpful comments. Gonna respond to your individual comments next, but two points you both agree on I'm going to try to address.
The opening scene is kind of a stretch, but I try to establish ground rules for this story with it. Main one being that evil spirits dont get to stay and whatever comes for them does so right quick. I wanted to show it and not tell it. Obviously, I establish Walter with it who offers Sammy some insight into the next world. I also try to use it as a reason for Safiyah's and Bee's mother to bring them here. She wanted to help these lost souls find their way home and this place has more than its fair share.
It wouldn't surprise me if a production company looked at this, I would have to change the opening. It would cost a small fortune. The last reason I used it was to pay homage to those who died on that ship. Out of 320, 286 died. Only one woman made it to shore, no children made it at all. Third worst disaster in Great Lakes history. Saddest part, the manifest burned up on the ship. Nobody ever knew who was on it. So these people traveling to America simply vanished, there families back home, mostly Europe, never found out what happened to their loved ones.
They built an amusement park on the beach in the early 1900s. Kids playing in the sand would often dig up human remains. Obviously now, erosion has claimed the graves.
Again, I knew I was trying to hard to make this about the town as well the Phillips' and the Sheep Lady.
This POV OF THE DAMNED may have been a misfire. Bert suggested I add one for the Man in the Buxton hat. Since he's hell-bound he doesn't see the light that everyone else does. I don't know how else to establish that.
SPOILERS Then I have to use it again for the Witch's POV. It's essential when she goes to kill James that she hears something coming closer. Something waiting to take his soul the second he dies. Something she's afraid of. James doesn't hear the whispers, only the witch does.
Then for the final battle between the witch and Jane. Once Jane enters the realm where the sheep lady is, She see's the sheep lady for who she is. No longer a monster, just an old woman who cheated death.
If there's a better way to do it, I'm open for suggestions. That fact that it confused both of you is a major concern for me. okay, heading off to respond to some more specific comments...
Hey Cleveland, as promised, I jumped on your script as soon as I saw it and gave it a read. I did not take detailed notes and did not do any editing whatsoever, but I will tell you that you definitely need to give this a few more reads and do some editing, as there are numerous mistakes and typos around.
I'm pretty upset with all of the mistakes that are showing up. My editor in chief, my mother, is officially fired.
Quoted from Dreamscale
You have a tendency to use way more periods than you should, and because of that your writing tends to read slower than it should. I’m referring to your choice to omit your subject from many “sentences” (in reality, they’re fragments) that you could (and should) simply combine to the prior sentence, using a comma. IMO, this makes the read more fluid and actually quicker and easier. Try it in a few places and see if you agree or not.
This is a bad habit I picked up from writing shorts. Sometimes a period works well, but I can see numerous places where a comma would be better. Gonna go back through this. And also just do a Slug scan. I don't always agree with your use, but I want to make sure mine is consistent.
Quoted from Dreamscale
I think it could be an issue with all the V.O. from Sariyah (interesting name, BTW – I did look it up and see its meaning, which is cool and shows an attention to detail from the writer I rarely ever see)
Woops, her name is Safiyah, guess I lose those attention to detail points. Lol
Quoted from Dreamscale
Jane is 26 and Tom is 31. Their son, Sammy is 7, meaning Jane was 19 when he was born, and most likely did not go to college, yet she’s a teacher now. No big deal, but here’s the real issue – they just moved from somewhere (which is expensive – I should know, as my ass has been moving around the country like a madman), Tom doesn’t work, teachers don’t make much money, Sammy has a serious medical condition, which is expensive even with great medical benefits, and they’re buying a 3 story house that’s the biggest in the neighborhood. This doesn’t make much sense to me and is a serious sticking point for me in buying what I’m being fed.
Get your point, Jane does come from money which I try to establish by the size of her parents house at the end. She could still make it through college taking a year off. Gonna make the century home more of a fixer upper. Meant to. Why their painting it when Mark shows up.
Quoted from Dreamscale
Yes, it does provide characterization and it’s done well, but IMO, it’s just too drawn out and we’re badly in need of some horror, IMO.
Always thought you were a fan of a slow start for horror? I try hard to get the audience to like the characters here. I think that just ups the tension when all hell breaks lose. Also, trying to expose a bit of a chracter flaw in Jane. Her mother is an innocent victim in the feud between Jane her father. She's vengeful and stubborn. The kind of woman who will stop at nothing to keep a witch from touching her son...
Pages: 1, 
Author
Willowick
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How ironic.
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