Quoted from Dreamscale James, I also have to tell you in all honesty that your writing in this middle section is not as strong as it was in the beginning.  I’m talking about the technical writing itself, as well as the story writing, description, and where we’ve gone and how we’ve gotten here.

This was the very first thing I ever wrote. I wrote it in six weeks and tried to post it here. So happy it was over the 500kb limit and I didn't know how to host my own scripts at that point. So I just started writing shorts. There are a lot of scenes, especially in the middle, where I just tried to tidy up the writing. Should've deleted each scene and rewrote it from scratch

Quoted from Dreamscale I think a basic problem, as I said earlier, is the amount of characters and the fact that many (possibly) aren’t necessary.   Was James intro’d earlier?  If so, I completely forgot about him, as it had to be at least 30 pages since we first saw him, so his demise wasn’t something that I was truly engaged in (unlike Tom, who I was rooting for and assuming would come out of it alive.  Other characters would be the 15 year old chicks intro’d 50 or so pages ago, who haven’t surfaced since.  And then, there’s Mark, who had a very long scene at the end of the first section, told the backstory, and now has gone AWOL since.  IMO, these lapses or disappearances are a problem, and also a potential to lose, if they don’t resurface at some point soon.

Tried to help you remember James by hanging that Lake County Coroner jacket off the back of his stool. He doctored evidence and got a black man, whom he thought was guilty, convicted of rape. Who then died in prison. This was his evil bidding and why he is hell-bound. Overall, he's just a douche bag.

The girls in the classroom are there to reinforce that ideal that suicide is a mortal sin. Its something essential to this story IMO. Personally, I'm not religious at all. Less and less people are. So I'm trying to set up the climax here

On to last post...

James

Quoted from Dreamscale Also, dude, clean up the last 2 blank pages of the PDF – you can’t be excused for that.

Dunno what happened there. Something F'ed up when I converted to pdf.

Quoted from Dreamscale The motivations of “the witch” (which I strongly recommend you rename and rethink) didn’t make sense to me, nor did I understand…at all.

  

Gotta disagree here. Thought that was well thought out. Not only was her mother burned at the stake because of her religious beliefs and her grandparents brought her to the states to protect her, she was locked out of her own home in the middle of winter by greedy developers who wanted her land.

Quoted from Dreamscale I am clueless as to how the witch was destroyed…or why.  The spider stuff came completely out of left field and I don’t get it (or like it, being arachnophobic, myself).

Of all your comments, this is by far and away the most concerning. This whole script, sub plots and all, are built to setup this moment. When Jane kills herself, she buys a ticket to hell. She opens the gates, the sheep lady is more or less collateral damage. She got caught up in it and couldn't see it coming. Because, until Jane pulls that trigger, she's a good person in God's eyes. I really don't know how i could've set that up any better.

Quoted from Dreamscale The final end teaser was also lost on me with Alexa, as to when this was, where she was, what she was doing, or what she found.  Maybe I missed something along the way, but it didn’t work for me and left me thinking WTF?

Lexa navigated her way, through the spill way tunnel, to The bottom of the well in Tom and Jane's basement. When the sheep lady committed suicide by jumping into the well, she held onto a package wrapped in plastic. It's the book that Safiyah and her mother searched for. The book the page of three spells came from. The book that enabled the sheep lady to cheat the rules of death. Why nothing came to drag her soul to hell when she died. Meh, having to explain that really sucks. Must've missed my mark...

Hopefully, some of what I explained makes sense to the last part of this post. I did work hard on this. I'm hoping more people will get what I was aiming for and trying to set up this whole time. If not, back to the drawing board and I'm already so sick rewriting this thing and can't wait to jump into something brand new.

You know I admire your honesty and always will. Takes hours for someone to put a review together like that. I am in your debt, for sure. I'm glad you found much to like here. As I always do, will wait to see what the consensus is on this before deciding to go into a heavy rewrite.

Always appreciated and thanks huge, man!

James

Ryan,

Again, thanks for reading this so quickly...

Quoted from Ryan1 The opening scene was written quite vividly, but it did go on a bit long.  At seven pages, I just don't think had enough impact on the overall story to justify its length.  I thought you were going to somehow weave this paddleboat tragedy into the main storyline, but that never really happened.

Hopefully, my previous explanation sheds some light onto what I was trying to accomplish with it. It probably could get the ax without the story suffering much.

Quoted from Ryan1 On p 5, "Leisure suit"  I might be wrong on the history of this term, but I always thought that was a 1970's fashion thing.  Everytime I read it, i kept picturing a dude decked out in polyester.

Yep, looks like it was invented in the 1930s. Scratch that. Bad choice there. Thanks.

Again, the POV OF THE DAMNED thing. Hope I explained it some. All ears for better ideas.

Quoted from Ryan1 On p 7, after LATER, you say a hundred bodies "occupy it", but you never specify what it is.  I assumed you meant mass grave, but you want to clarify that.

Thanks, that needs fixed.

Quoted from Ryan1 I'm not a fan of excessive VOs and these narrations from Safiyah are a bit much.  I don't think you need them.

Since I started off on a bit of a tangent, I wanted Safiyah's last lines to help establish Jane as our protag. Cheated the structure a bit and was trying to catch up real quick.

Quoted from Ryan1 That sounds like a hell of a house for a family in this kind of financial situation.  Maybe if Jane came from a wealthy family that might explain it.  Also, I wanted to know what the location of the house was in reference to the location of the paddleboat tragedy.

It's far from luxurious. Hoping the owners will let me shoot the outside of it for my trailer. It does stick out like a sore thumb in this neighborhood. If you google the address from the script, you can see it on google maps. Another reason I don't want this script to leave the portal. I may need to change it.

Quoted from Ryan1 You misspell Sheriff Colston's character slug as "Sherrif Colston" throughout the script.

Downright embarassing there. The first time I misspelled it on the dialogue header, Final Draft saved it for me. Everytime I type in SH the misspelled Sheriff automatically popped up. Can't believe I missed that. Thanks for the other typos btw, i appreciate them. Will tidy up this sucker tonight. nice to host the script yourself. Can fix mistakes when someone points them out.

Quoted from Ryan1 IMO, this is where the story began to lose its focus and concentration of suspense and tension.  There were too many threads pulling the story in different directions.  The classroom scene alone lasts from pages 16-20 and in the end, had no effect on the story at all and you never used any of those characters you intro'd, except for Alexa at the very end.

Still feel this way after getting through it? I really wanted to reinforce that suicide is a mortal sin in most of Christianity.

Quoted from Ryan1 Mark just seems too "convenient" because he shows up, tells us the entire story of the sheep lady and we pretty much never see him again.  There has to be a more creative, cinematic and compact way of getting this crucial backstory into the narrative.

Can see your point here. Again, the side track I started with made me hurry things along. Had to stuff someone in there to tell the story quick.

Quoted from Ryan1 Since Tom breaking the slab is what releases the witch, I think that needs to happen much sooner.  I think that should be the event that sets things in motion here.

I looked at it as the turn to Act II. I think this is pretty close to where it should happen. Didn't look at it like an inciting incident that should occur earlier.

Quoted from Ryan1 Now, of all the different characters and subplots you have here, I found the family and their experiences in the house by far to be the most interesting.  So, when you start to change the scenes back to Safiyah and Aunt bee, I found my interest slipping.  But, it was a very cool and visceral shock when they discover Aunt Bee dead with the bible shoved down her throat.

Thanks. Glad you liked that scene.

Quoted from Ryan1 Tom's death is intense and I was surprised you offed of your main characters.  But I liked it because it was unexpected.

Trying to get the viewer/reader to adopt a hatred for the witch. Sick of people always cheering for horror and horror always winning. Was the main reason I wrote this. I wanted horror to get its ass kicked for once.

Quoted from Ryan1 Also on 59, when Safiyah says "Sam, Sam", is she talking to the Sheriff or to Sammy?  That confused me.

Wanted Sheriff Colston and Safiyah to kind of be on a first name basis. Like they already knew each other. Deciding to give Sheriff Colston the name of "Sam" is a serious wtf moment. Gonna fix that/

Quoted from Ryan1 No reaction from Colston when he sees Tom's head bounce on the stairway landing?

Trying to show that he's scared. He's the law and he's afraid to go down stairs. He's beginning to buy into the ghost stories. Beginning to believe.

Quoted from Ryan1 James is back in the story, but its been so long I kinda forgot who he was.  Not sure how all that exhumation stuff he talked about earlier plays into the story at hand.   With Angie's death, i think it would have worked better if we saw the lights flicker in the bar first, then go out.  But, overall James felt like a disposable character who you didn't really need.

Was really just trying to exploit the fear the witch had when she went to kill him. She was afraid of what was there, waiting to take his soul. Hope this would be more obvious on film.

Quoted from Ryan1 What happened to the SWAT raid at dawn?  We went from the house to the hospital, but then we wind up at the cemetery for Tom's funeral?  Definitely felt like a missing scene there.

I wasn't sure how much that would've added to the story. They basically went in, got Toms body and there was no witch to be found.

Quoted from Ryan1 But, since she killed herself for a higher purpose, would Jane really go to hell?

I'm not religious, nor will I ever be. I find it funny that priests will talk to inmates on death row who've raped and murdered and tell them.. "So long as you accept Jesus into your heart, ask the lord's forgiveness, There will be a place at God's side for you when you die." I tried not to make this as much about the act of suicide, but the fact that Jane would refuse God's forgiveness...

Quoted from Ryan1 Good luck shooting the trailer. Ryan

Thanks again, Ryan. I owe you one. I understand that this story may go off into tangents. Gonna have a go at some viral marketing, though. For now, I'm going to keep the elements of the paddle boat and side plots in it. Pretty sure if the trailer turns out well, and i won't post it if it doesn't, It could go semi-viral pretty quick. Using facebook and other tools, i could have a lot of people scratching their heads pretty quick going, "WTF? They shot a movie in Willowick?"

Tis what I'm aiming for.

All the best, If ever a return read is needed, you've got one....

James

Quoted from Grandma Bear James, I had a free moment at work today and thought I'd give your script a read. First off, congrats on finishing a feature!!

Thanks Pia! Yes, I never really admired the determintation it takes to finish a feature. I have a newfound respect for it. Pleasant surprise to see you here. Thanks. I pm'd Jeff and Ryan for a look.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I will comment as I go. My first thought after reading the log line though is that the story doesn't sound very fresh. Sounds like something we've seen many times before. Hopefully you put a fresh spin on it.

I tried, trust me.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Page 1. Just curious if turpentine was used on steamboats back then? I have no idea, that's why I'm asking. It just seems like an odd thing to have in the cargo hold. Maybe odd is the wrong word, maybe convenient is better.

Did a lot of research on this. Reports are sketchy at best.  Another theory was that they were transporting a load of matches. Either way, neither of them should've been in the cargo hold of a passenger steamer. Someone was making some extra dough on this trip.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I am curious why you write aerial shot. Why not just write EXT. STEAMBOAT - NIGHT? I'm sure if this went into production that they would use aerial shots it just seems odd for the writer to dictate the shots.

Was trying to give a visual picture of how bad the fire was. This would be up to the director, was just a suggestion

Quoted from Grandma Bear Page 5. Fro? Is that really the word you want to use here?

Yes, it was actually. After doing research, I couldn't wait to show off my new found prowess of nautical vocabulary. Lol. Too much?

Quoted from Grandma Bear You're being very specific with the 7 feet of water.

Was trying to give a visual. They almost made it. They burned up 200 yards off shore and Lake Erie is the shallowest of the Great Lakes. Most native Americans always traveled the Canadian coast because they knew how shallow and of all the shoals on the American side.

The POV OF THE DAMNED is getting hammered right now.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Page 7.” At least 100 dirty bodies occupy it”. It what? And a priest stands at the opening! Opening of what?

Yep, That's bad writing.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Page 8. This is just my opinion of course, but I think you're better off describing the house as  Victorian for example rather than telling us it's three stories and is plain blue with scarlet shutters.

It looks nothing Victorian IMO. It's a very odd looking house. Will post a pic of it here if I get permission from the owners soon. Gonna try to make friends with them so I can shoot it for a trailer.

Quoted from Grandma Bear So they decided to buy the house after just seeing the foyer, laundry room and the basement? Now that seems a little strange don't you think? If I were you, I would rework that slightly. At least show them the kitchen or the bedroom. Something more important than the laundry room.

Tried to use LATER on a mini slug here. Hoping the audience would get the idea that they gave it a once over.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I have to be honest here, I'm sure that there will be a reason why Sammy has some sort of medical issue, however, it also feels cliché.

Very much of a reason, hope you don't find it cliche.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Page 13. I wish you would let us know what Walter looks like now. Does he look exactly the same as he did on the boat? Is he wearing the same old clothes from back then? Or does he looked pale and his clothes torn?

Good point. He looks exactly the same as when he died. Gonna make that change.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I am on page 20 now. So far, I like it. I will continue to read tomorrow. Right now, I'm thinking Jane is supposed to be our ” hero”. )

Spot on. I hoped through the V.O. by Safiyah I was establishing that kind of matter-of-fact' ly. I break some story structures here, for sure.

Hope you continue on, thanks for the notes so far. Would definitely return a read if you ever need it.

James

Quoted from Baltis. I've seen this floating at or near the top of the portal the last few days I intend on being around -- I'm at a republican straw poll convention now, waitin to hear from Cynthia Davis, but I cracked it open and read the 1st 10 pages.

Thanks for giving it a look, Baltis.

Quoted from Baltis. I see you have a tendency to overwrite a bit.  Tons of "the's" and other filler words litter and otherwise clean, efficient read.

Never been praised for my writing skills. Comes as no surprise.

Quoted from Baltis. "the moon ripples atop disturbed waters - a two story peddle steamer cuts through its reflection."

Good suggestion, thanks.

Quoted from Baltis. I see,no problem with your pov, other than how it's worded.  I understand exactly what your going for and how "i" could visualize it.   I suggest you write it as such, tho: POV OF     THE DAMNED Skewed, out of focus -  no moon, everything void of color, detail and pattern.

This is going to be a sticking point throughout the script. I don't just use it as a point of view, but to show a different realm. Limbo if you will. The view of people stuck between life, heaven, and hell. Searching for a better way to do this.

Quoted from Baltis. Anyways, 10 in and it's hitting on the right circuits for interest... Things are taking shape and moving along at a decent pace.  I'm gonna try and finish it when I get home later.

Thanks, hope you get through it. Looking forward to see if you and Pia agree on what Jeff and Ryan had to say, if so, I've got a pretty hefty re-write in store for me...

I fucken hate rewriting!

James

Jeff told me in a PM that he wasn't sure how I could shoot a trailer for this because it is so big budget.

Trying to be crafty here. Can't pitch this to independent film makers. The trailer is really just two pages and you can read it here.

Is a rough draft I wrote a few months ago. My friend's son would make the perfect Sammy. The final scene doesn't actually take place in the script, but I needed something shocking to finish it. Definitely will be a low lighting situation, because the makeup for the witch will be piss poor to say the least. I need this to look good.

Taking a break from writing for a bit to learn my camera better as well as editing. Wish me luck, let me know if you found this intriguing at all for a trailer. Again, it's a very rough draft.

James

Just started re-reading your script, from page 1 again, about 20 min's ago -- I saw that you posted a link to a script in trailer form and was interested in how you went about doing that.  

I've dabbled in trailer work myself using Toon Boom Studio Pro to do small scale stuff with VO and animation.  Although I love drawing, animating and all that -- it's just too time consuming for me to fully vest myself into.

Anyways, I really dig the vibe you're going for here with the trailer bit.  I'm nowhere near done reading the script, but it's nice to get a visual of the embodiment while I'm reading.  It's like seeing a preview for the movie, saying "hey, I wanna go see that" or "hey, that really sucks the donkey."

I decided to take a break from your script on page 30 to read this -- and It really, truly, no bullshit, makes me anxious to keep reading the script.  

A few things of note:

Are, should be our on page 1 -- second dialogue chain into it.

Some of your dialogue, I've noticed, is a tad on the nose.  The script I'll get into when I fully review it -- the trailer I'll get into now.

For instance:

MELIAH
But, she hated to leave the city.  She said small towns scare her.

I'd write this:

MELIAH
But she hated to leave the city -- said small towns scare her.

Or you could toss a coma in there instead of the (--).  Whatever you feel best with.


Also:

MELIAH
But small towns... They hide their secrets.

MELIAH
And this particular place locked away something evil in an old house a long time ago.  They convinced themselves it never existed.  But it was only a matter of time... before some poor souls let it out.

I'd try and pepper this one up a bit.  

MELIAH
But small towns... They tend to hide their secrets.

MELIAH
This small town locked away something evil, something sinister long ago.  They convinced themselves it never existed, but it was only a matter of time... before it was let out.

or

MELIAH
This small town locked away something evil, something sinister long ago.  They convinced themselves it never existed, but it was only a matter of time... before it got out.


Nothing too drastic, but certainly more lively.  You can keep the poor souls bit, it's good -- but it's more intriguing by saying "IT" opposed to why it was let out.  You could also, say "BEFORE IT GOT OUT"... this would imply a double meaning.  Either the secret or the entity itself, who are basically one in the same.  But for the sake of the trailer, it might be nice to hear that "BEFORE IT GOT OUT" bit.  

Something to think about, man.

Anyways, good job on the trailer aspect of the script.  I hope it goes well.  I'll finish the script for sure.  

Just read the trailer script and it sounds good. My only fear is that it proposes a very similar concept to that of The Haunting in Connecticut. I haven't read the feature, so I don't know how far you deviate from that template, but if you do have a clear divergence, I'd suggest adding a flavour of that in the trailer.

Hey James, sorry for the delay.  I want to address your responses and engage in a back and forth dialogue to help, if you'd like.

Quoted from jwent6688 I'm pretty upset with all of the mistakes that are showing up. My editor in chief, my mother, is officially fired.

  HaHa...funny, but that's what real editors are for...like me, for instance.

Quoted from jwent6688 This is a bad habit I picked up from writing shorts. Sometimes a period works well, but I can see numerous places where a comma would be better. Gonna go back through this. And also just do a Slug scan. I don't always agree with your use, but I want to make sure mine is consistent.

Yep, it will always come down to personal style and opinion, but what I'm telling you definitely isn't bad advice or incorrect.

As for the Slugs, I think you'll see what I mean when you literally look at each and every one and see where and how they differ, or don't make sense.  For instance, I think someone else also brought up a Slug labeled "AERIAL SHOT" or the like, which is just downright incorrect.  You may indeed intend on using an aerial shot, but that's not a Slug header - what's the aerial shot of?

Quoted from jwent6688 Woops, her name is Safiyah, guess I lose those attention to detail points. Lol

  No, I looked up the correct name.  It means "pure" and "friend" and is of Arabic, Hindi, or Swahali origin, which seems to suit her character very well.

Quoted from jwent6688 Get your point, Jane does come from money which I try to establish by the size of her parents house at the end. She could still make it through college taking a year off. Gonna make the century home more of a fixer upper. Meant to. Why their painting it when Mark shows up.

IMO, there are several problems here.  I don't think it matters that you tried to show Jane's parents have money later on, because it just leaves a bad impression in the reader's mouth early on because it doesn't make sense.  I also have trouble with the age and college thing.  In no way am I saying it can't be done or never has been done, but it just doesn't seem feasible or "right".  IMO, it's very important to create characters who come across as real, and ages, backgrounds, and back stories make them either believable or unbelievable.  In this case, there's absolutely no reason why Jane has to be 26 and her hubby 31.

Quoted from jwent6688 Always thought you were a fan of a slow start for horror? I try hard to get the audience to like the characters here. I think that just ups the tension when all hell breaks lose. Also, trying to expose a bit of a chracter flaw in Jane. Her mother is an innocent victim in the feud between Jane her father.  She's vengeful and stubborn. The kind of woman who will stop at nothing to keep a witch from touching her son...

I do...I definitely enjoy a good slow burn in horror, but the problem(s) here have to do with the unfocused and multiple story lines taking place, as well as the unnecessary characters and their potential story lines.  I think it was Ryan who summed up what I was trying to say quite well, in that based on your setup (intro), it seems very cut and dry that you're establishing some sort of haunted house situation - which is all fine and good. But then it doesn't materialize and we find out on Page 30 or so that the story's Antag is gong to be a witch of some kind.  From there, you start establishing other characters and other back stories, and it just doesn't all gel together.

AS for Jane's parents, again, unless you establish that up front, I don't think it's remotely effective or even "matters".  The scenes with them came off as "throw away" unimportant, unnecessary scenes to me.

I'll respond to your other posts as well, as there are some things I want to say that may hopefully help.

Quoted from jwent6688 This was the very first thing I ever wrote. I wrote it in six weeks and tried to post it here. So happy it was over the 500kb limit and I didn't know how to host my own scripts at that point. So I just started writing shorts. There are a lot of scenes, especially in the middle, where I just tried to tidy up the writing. Should've deleted each scene and rewrote it from scratch

Yeah, that makes complete sense.  The flow just wasn't here and it really does come off like someone else wrote it.

Also, IMO, this is really where things fall apart, because the focus and story is so jumbled.  I would strongly advise relooking at the "story", where it goes, and where it should go.

Quoted from jwent6688 Tried to help you remember James by hanging that Lake County Coroner jacket off the back of his stool. He doctored evidence and got a black man, whom he thought was guilty, convicted of rape. Who then died in prison. This was his evil bidding and why he is hell-bound. Overall, he's just a douche bag.

Well, I think this is one of the biggest flaws going on here, and what I mean is that details like this that we don't see or experience, just aren't going to get across.  They're also not necessary.  They cloud the plot...make things confusing, jumbled.  There's just no way anyone is going to understand this and in a filmed version, it would be even more difficult.

I think I might as well address this "Damned" issue and the POV being used to "show its perspective.  It just doesn't make sense, has nothing to do with the story at hand, and isn't addressed with nearly enough detail or visuals where anyone will have a clue.  IMO, it's the single biggest flaw in the script, and the reason I say that is because of it, the finale and ending doesn't make any sense, and also comes completely out of left field.

Also, keep this in mind when using or even thinking about a POV.  Using a POV is obviously a form of directing, and really should be avoided 99% of the time, as it rarely offers anything or bring anything to the table, other than confusion.  When you use a POV, eveything - every word, should be what "we see" from the POV.  Period.  To set it up properly, "we" have to know what it is, or potentially what it is that we're seeing through its eyes.  A monster, an alien, a psycho killer wearing a mask, whatever...we have to have a clue, and with this "Damned", we don't, because it's literally never once addressed.

Quoted from jwent6688 The girls in the classroom are there to reinforce that ideal that suicide is a mortal sin. Its something essential to this story IMO. Personally, I'm not religious at all. Less and less people are. So I'm trying to set up the climax here...

And this ties into what I said above.  To the reader or viewer, it doesn't tie into anything because the central idea you're referring to is never established, and the climax comes out of left field and doesn't make sense.

You're trying to create some universal understanding that's not understood...or real, and I don't even know how you could go about it properly, which is, again, why I think there are major flaws in your "idea" or story, that need attention.

I don't see how this idea about evil entities are sucked up when they die by whatever has anything to do with the witch story.

Quoted from jwent6688 Gotta disagree here. Thought that was well thought out. Not only was her mother burned at the stake because of her religious beliefs and her grandparents brought her to the states to protect her, she was locked out of her own home in the middle of winter by greedy developers who wanted her land.

I think you either misunderstood my point, or I wasn't very clear.  By saying I didn't understand the witch's motivations, I'm referring to why she kills who she kills, and where she kills them.

She kills Bee in her home, and we don't know the proximity of that and the Century House.  She kills Tom in the Century House (which makes perfect sense).  Then, she kills a random bartender and attacks James, and we don't know where this place is compared to the Century House at all.  Then, finally, she goes balls out at the local hospital, a random amount of days after killing Tom.  I don't really understand why she even wanted to kill Jane and Sammy in the first place.

Sticking with an earlier point and also Ryan's comparison to Amityville Horror, in that movie(s) and all other like it, it's clear what the Antag is after and all the kills take place within or around the house.

Your Antag is cruising the neighborhood and taking out random peeps.

Quoted from jwent6688 Of all your comments, this is by far and away the most concerning. This whole script, sub plots and all, are built to setup this moment. When Jane kills herself, she buys a ticket to hell. She opens the gates, the sheep lady is more or less collateral damage. She got caught up in it and couldn't see it coming. Because, until Jane pulls that trigger, she's a good person in God's eyes. I really don't know how i could've set that up any better.

As I said in my last post, IMO, this is all due to that fact that this is not set up properly or made remotely clear.  How does Jane come to this conclusion?  What is she basing this on?  How is the audience supposed to understand or know this?

Quoted from jwent6688 Lexa navigated her way, through the spill way tunnel, to The bottom of the well in Tom and Jane's basement. When the sheep lady committed suicide by jumping into the well, she held onto a package wrapped in plastic. It's the book that Safiyah and her mother searched for. The book the page of three spells came from. The book that enabled the sheep lady to cheat the rules of death. Why nothing came to drag her soul to hell when she died. Meh, having to explain that really sucks. Must've missed my mark...

Well, I understand what you're saying and understood it before I brought it up. It's the logic and details that bring it down.

Are you saying that this "well" is open to this "spillway"?  If so, it ain't no well.  Also, if it is indeed open, then Yalda was never really trapped down there, as she or her spirit had an easy escape route through the spillway.

But maybe more importantly, why would Lexa do this?  How would she find this?  What time frame is this taking place in?  And, what is it really supposed to say?  That Lexa is going to be the new "witch" and some day, many, many years from now, cheat death herself?

Quoted from jwent6688 You know I admire your honesty and always will. Takes hours for someone to put a review together like that. I am in your debt, for sure. I'm glad you found much to like here. As I always do, will wait to see what the consensus is on this before deciding to go into a heavy rewrite. Always appreciated and thanks huge, man!

No problem. Just trying to help and hoping that what I'm bringing up, does help.

I made it to page 40 today. I hope my comments do not seem too negative. That is not my intention at all. Sometimes when I make a page by page comments, the comments tend to sound like that. I like what you have so far except for the part with Mark.

I'm sorry I have to break this script up in such small pieces, but that is all I have time for this week.  

Page 20. I didn't quite get why Jane orders the papers on Romeo and Juliet back. What's the point of that?

Also don't get why you write that the house has a fresh coat of paint on it. When you 1st introduced us to the house, you never mentioned it needed a coat of paint. Another little thing that makes me wonder what's the point of that?

Page 21. Okay so this guy, Mark is 47. So he was born in 1964 or about that time. But somehow he remembers the sheep lady who lived in the house between 1930 and 1950. How does that work?

I have a bit of a problem with the Mark telling Tom and Jane all this stuff about their house. I mean really, if I see someone who had just bought a new house and I know something negative about that house, I would not tell them. Especially if I don't know them. To me, it just does not seem like the thing you would do. Also, Mark says she was a witch, but Jane jumps to the conclusion that the house is haunted. Mark, didn't say anything about it being haunted. I also find it a little odd that Mark asks for a beer. Really, would a stranger do that?

Page 23. I'm having some issues here… Mark is a complete stranger yet here we are later, it's still daytime and Tom and Mark have put away 2 sixpacks of beer. This seems really bizarre to me. And then we get the "he shit his pants on your first date?" piece in Mark's dialogue. This didn't feel right to me at all. Mark is a stranger! I just can't imagine anyone saying something like that to a stranger.

Page 24. I think you can skip this whole page. It might be amusing, but totally wrong feel and situation for this horror script. Doesn't work for me at all. What you have so far is pretty good. A mystery/horror. This low brow humor just totally derails the mood you have already created. At least IMHO.

Page 27. Right now, I don't see the point of Mark at all. We got a little bit of info about the sheep lady, but after that, I don't see the point of this section with Mark at all. This does not move the story forward at all. You have five pages, five minutes of film with nothing to move the story onward. That's a long time on film….

Page 28. They are still drinking??? Two strangers??? And telling each other personal stuff??? Not trying to be rude here, but IMHO, this stuff should get cut from your script. Wrong feel. Wrong mood. Wrong genre. You should be spooking us by now.

Page 31. Here's the situation again where you have not told us who is in the scene and what they are doing. You write that Mark is inching closer to the table. Inching closer from where? I thought he was already sitting at the table.

Page 32. Why does Mark guess that they all had their tongues ripped out and drowned in their own blood? Why does he jump to that conclusion? Does Mark have inside information? Why doesn't Jane or Tom asked him how he knows?

I like the creepiness you have going on now. The whole well thing reminds me of the ring, but it is still good.

Page 35. Tom is joking around a lot. I don't think all that joking and comedy fits here. You were doing so well with the creepy images earlier now you've ruined it again with jokes.

Page 36. Aunt Bee? What is this? And Bob Barker? I have no idea what's going on here. Are we watching an old TV show? I have no clue.

Stares. not stairs.

I'm still very confused here about Aunt Bee. Who is she? He gave us no description of her. I have no idea if she is the TV character or if she's on original character made up by you.

Baltis,

Thanks for the suggestions. I do like some of them. As for the script, some glaring problems are showing up. Not at all surprised. Pretty sure some of it is because I tried to make this as much about the town as the actual journey of the protag. Basiacally wanted to write a horror story that took place in my hometown. Might have shot for too big of a story.

James

Quoted from Dreamscale IMO, there are several problems here.  I don't think it matters that you tried to show Jane's parents have money later on, because it just leaves a bad impression in the reader's mouth early on because it doesn't make sense.  I also have trouble with the age and college thing.  In no way am I saying it can't be done or never has been done, but it just doesn't seem feasible or "right".  IMO, it's very important to create characters who come across as real, and ages, backgrounds, and back stories make them either believable or unbelievable.  In this case, there's absolutely no reason why Jane has to be 26 and her hubby 31.

Fair enough, I'll make them older. Easiest fix of them all. For shits, I googled the house I'm talking about. Last purchased in 2000 for 56k. WOw. It looks nice from outside, but must have some serious structural problems. I'd post a pic, but I don't know who lives there, yet. If you saw it, it wouldn't be a financial issue on film. Again, I have to go over my description of it better.

Quoted from Dreamscale I think it was Ryan who summed up what I was trying to say quite well, in that based on your setup (intro), it seems very cut and dry that you're establishing some sort of haunted house situation - which is all fine and good. But then it doesn't materialize and we find out on Page 30 or so that the story's Antag is gong to be a witch of some kind.  From there, you start establishing other characters and other back stories, and it just doesn't all gel together.

Not haunted house, haunted town. Was trying to show that many survivors of the ship wreck lingered there for decades. We're less than a mile from the beach here. I should maybe make that clearer.

Quoted from Dreamscale AS for Jane's parents, again, unless you establish that up front, I don't think it's remotely effective or even "matters".  The scenes with them came off as "throw away" unimportant, unnecessary scenes to me

Was trying to show that Jane didn't have much besides Tom and Sammy. She despised her father. I thought that might help motivate her to do what she does in the climax

James

Quoted from Dreamscale Well, I think this is one of the biggest flaws going on here, and what I mean is that details like this that we don't see or experience, just aren't going to get across.  They're also not necessary.  They cloud the plot...make things confusing, jumbled.  There's just no way anyone is going to understand this and in a filmed version, it would be even more difficult.

I would think it would be easier to associate on film, because now you have a face to associate with a character who hasn't been in the story for awhile. I really think James' near death experience needs to be in there. It helps Safiyah realize the witch is afraid of whatever comes for evil souls. She then conveys this to Jane In their conversation at the psychic shop. It's what makes Jane believe that if she opens the gates to hell by killing herself, if she can do it close to the witch, it will take her too.

Quoted from Dreamscale Also, keep this in mind when using or even thinking about a POV.  Using a POV is obviously a form of directing, and really should be avoided 99% of the time, as it rarely offers anything or bring anything to the table, other than confusion.  When you use a POV, eveything - every word, should be what "we see" from the POV.  Period.  To set it up properly, "we" have to know what it is, or potentially what it is that we're seeing through its eyes.  A monster, an alien, a psycho killer wearing a mask, whatever...we have to have a clue, and with this "Damned", we don't, because it's literally never once addressed.

Maybe I'll switch to individual POVs then. They're not directing IMO. They're absolutely essential to story. The last scene between jane and the sheep lady needs to happen in the realm between life, and heaven and hell.  The place you go to be judged when you first die. I guess I could use a slug of sorts for that, but I thought the POV was establishing that for me.

Quoted from Dreamscale I don't see how this idea about evil entities are sucked up when they die by whatever has anything to do with the witch story.

Jane opens the gates to hell, they both get sucked in. I think thats pretty clear.

Quoted from Dreamscale I think you either misunderstood my point, or I wasn't very clear.  By saying I didn't understand the witch's motivations, I'm referring to why she kills who she kills, and where she kills them.

She kills Aunt Bee and wants Safiyah because their mother trapped her in the well for decades. Hence the piece of concrete she leaves on Aunt Bee's kitchen counter. It used to be part of the slab on the well. The witch is taking revenge on them for what their mother did to her.

Same with James, this part I know needs clarification, Safiyah's and Bee's mom did not work alone. She had help from the local church to trap the witch. James' parents helped along with some others. I was hoping the reader would just put that together.

She goes after Jane and Sammy just to get at Safiyah, who won't leave her protected room at the shop. So if, the witch can't take Safiyah, she'll take others and have Safiyah feel the guilt.

Quoted from Dreamscale Are you saying that this "well" is open to this "spillway"?  If so, it ain't no well.  Also, if it is indeed open, then Yalda was never really trapped down there, as she or her spirit had an easy escape route through the spillway.

Good point and I know this. There is a major undergraound water way here. Unbuildable lots and such. The tunnel is a storm sewer, not septic. We used to go down it as kids. If logic needed to be fixed, theres no reason there can't be a crack in the tunnel leading to the under ground water way that feeds the wells. Just trying to be cinematic here.

Quoted from Dreamscale But maybe more importantly, why would Lexa do this?  How would she find this?  What time frame is this taking place in?  And, what is it really supposed to say?  That Lexa is going to be the new "witch" and some day, many, many years from now, cheat death herself?

Thought Alexa was much like the sheep lady. A loner, outcasted by her peers. I didn't get into her character too much, but I thought I established a bit of that in the classroom scene. Whatever she does from then on.. I dunno. But, she found the book. She can if she wants to.

I know this story has problems. I tried to fit too much in. I could tell that when I was writing it. It suffers from that, but I'm not sure I'm gonna do a total rewrite here. This would work better if it were just Family vs. The witch. But, like I said, just wanted to write a horror story that takes place in my hometown.

I appreciate all your comments, Jeff. You bring up some very good points. And yes, I see this clearly in my head and did not convey on paper well.

Thanks again, man...

James