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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Willowick Moderators: bert
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  Author    Willowick  (currently 10846 views)
jwent6688
Posted: February 28th, 2012, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Quoted from Grandma Bear
I made it to page 40 today. I hope my comments do not seem too negative.


No worries, hammer away. I've grown thick skin being part of this community, just happy to have your comments.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Page 20. I didn't quite get why Jane orders the papers on Romeo and Juliet back. What's the point of that?


Just thought that was her being sensitive to Cassie, who's friend committed suicide over the summer.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Also don't get why you write that the house has a fresh coat of paint on it. When you 1st introduced us to the house, you never mentioned it needed a coat of paint. Another little thing that makes me wonder what's the point of that?


Quite right, the house has already been an issue. Need to describe it more as needing some TLC.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Page 21. Okay so this guy, Mark is 47. So he was born in 1964 or about that time. But somehow he remembers the sheep lady who lived in the house between 1930 and 1950. How does that work?


Parents used to tell that story to their kids. Him being born in 1964, I'm sure his own parents would remember it.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
I have a bit of a problem with the Mark telling Tom and Jane all this stuff about their house. I mean really, if I see someone who had just bought a new house and I know something negative about that house, I would not tell them. Especially if I don't know them. To me, it just does not seem like the thing you would do. Also, Mark says she was a witch, but Jane jumps to the conclusion that the house is haunted. Mark, didn't say anything about it being haunted. I also find it a little odd that Mark asks for a beer. Really, would a stranger do that?


Really tried to paint Mark as a bit of a dick. I thought that fit his character, could be wrong.

I'll admit, Mark showing up is very convenient to the story. I wanted a little character time here. I want you to like Tom and Jane before I toss them in harms way. This whole scene is a bit unorthodox, but I figure Tom probably hasn't gotten drunk in awhile. He opens up a bit too much, but I'm also trying to show a bit of character flaw in Jane. She doesn't let her grandparents see Sammy because of what her father said. She can be very spiteful and stubborn.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Page 35. Tom is joking around a lot. I don't think all that joking and comedy fits here. You were doing so well with the creepy images earlier now you've ruined it again with jokes.


To me, that is just Tom's character and what I figured he would say here. He is a bit of a jokester and doesn't buy into the whole sheep lady story.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Page 36. Aunt Bee? What is this? And Bob Barker? I have no idea what's going on here. Are we watching an old TV show? I have no clue.


Bee was intro'd with Safiyah and Meliah sitting in the car watching Jane and Tom unpack. I know, it's been awhile since you've seen her. Bob Barker was the Price is Right daytime game show host for decades. Damn. Thought everyone would know him. Lol.

Sorry for the confusion. I can  understand it. There are a few characters who disappear for long amounts of time only to show up again much much later. It is a mistake on my part and I've already taken some lumps for it.

Thanks for reading thus far...

James


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jwent6688
Posted: February 28th, 2012, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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Btw, Pia.

Been fixing typos as I go. I noticed you mentioned the Stares not stairs typo. fixed that yesterday, If you got and old draft, just Click on it again and download the newer one. Many typos are already corrected. Thanks, makes for a cleaner read.

James


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Baltis.
Posted: March 1st, 2012, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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I finished this one up early this morning.  I'm putting together some heads up from the notes I took during the read.

Got some pages to write, but I will return with some comments on your work here.  I wanted to bump it up on the portal so I didn't lose sight of it.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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I picked your script up today again. I had a few days off from reading while my kids were here. Some of the things I mentioned below, may be things I have brought up before. If so, please forgive.

Your script has picked up a lot of steam, I think you've done really well so far.

Page 42. I'm still confused about aunt Bee. [edit] Not anymore since I noticed your answer. I am glad she had nothing to do with an old black and white TV show!!  

LOL. I had to look up what a tele-typewriter machine was. I can say though, that I am a little bit intrigued by what she's doing.

Page 43. Okay, now I'm really confused. How did Safiyah enter the picture all of a sudden? I didn't know she was in the room.

Page 45. I like the part with the candle with the frame that bends towards the kitchen. Good work on somebody who doesn't hear well, so they are more sensitive to their other senses.

Page 47. Good work on describing aunt Bee dead at the table.

Page 48. It seems a little bit unreal to me that Safiyah is not totally freaked out by the death of Bee. Seems to me that her reaction to it is more like as if she had found her dead by natural means. But she has had her eyes gouged out her jaw ripped open and the Bible stuffed down her throat! That is freak out time.

Here we are introduced to the witch. No description or anything prior. At least not that I can remember. Did I miss something?

I think if it's dark outside, and you hold up a light to the window, all you are going to see is a reflection of the light. You will not be able to see outside. Ever try to take a picture with the flash on a piece of glass?

Page 50. Interesting thing here. Earlier in this script, Jane said that they now live in a haunted house, yet here she is with Sammy, telling him that there are no such thing as ghosts.

Normally I would question the kid having a baby monitor in his bedroom when his 7. But I guess since he is sick it kind of makes sense.

Page 56. Okay, another confusing moment. If the witch was at Bee's house, why is there a sound in their basement now? Does the witch make a lot of noise as she crawls back into the well? I don't get it. Seems like the noise would have been made when she 1st climbed out of there rather than on her way back.

Page 56. So they cannot see Walter, but they can hear him? Or can they only hear him on the radio?

Page 57. Tiny typo, it should be, a rocking chair rocks back and forth.

Sammy says he saw her. He saw the witch. I thought he was talking to Walter. Also, since the other ladies can see the witch, shouldn't Jane be able to see her too?

You got pretty good tension going on here right now. Very good.

Page 58. I like to morph of the sound. Going from the low pitch clicks into heartbeats.

Page 59. Typo, are should be our.

Page 60. Very good page.

Page 61. Jane's response to the Sheriff when she finds out that, has died doesn't really work for me. Especially not when she goes on to ask if he liked the house. I understand what you're trying to do here, but I think that question comes too early. It would work better if it was a question asked later in the script, but not immediately after finding out her husband is dead. And, what is Sammy doing during all this?

Page 62. Typo, she sets "it" in front of Nick.

There's a very easy way to get rid of that orphan. Just write, Nick takes a sip, points to the TV...

Page 63. Not sure that whole bar scene works. I didn't get the bickering with Nick at all. What was the point of that?

Page 64. In the last scene James was in the bar. In this scene he's outside the bar smoking a cigarette. Then he decides to go back in. I don't think that scene is necessary. At least not in my little opinion. Safiyah's phone call was good, but I'm not sure we needed all that extra stuff inside the bar and outside the bar.

James can see a figure half a mile away in the dark? He must have some seriously good eyes. I know I couldn't see that far.

Page 65. Good going on this page.

Page 66. Is the witch the same as the damned? Maybe I'm stupid...

Page 69. You have the word the twice in one sentence.

Page 70. I really like this part, it means the awful things you've done in your life actually saved your life. She's afraid of what's going to come for you when you die. That was very good.


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jwent6688
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Your script has picked up a lot of steam, I think you've done really well so far.


Thanks. Best compliment I've received thus far. Made me smile.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Page 43. Okay, now I'm really confused. How did Safiyah enter the picture all of a sudden? I didn't know she was in the room.


If you click the link again it should download the draft. I've already fixed that. Was a typo Jeff and Ryan pointed out.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
I like the part with the candle with the frame that bends towards the kitchen. Good work on somebody who doesn't hear well, so they are more sensitive to their other senses.


Actually Aunt Bee can hear just fine. She can't speak, though, because she had a stroke. Something you learn later in the story.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
It seems a little bit unreal to me that Safiyah is not totally freaked out by the death of Bee. Seems to me that her reaction to it is more like as if she had found her dead by natural means. But she has had her eyes gouged out her jaw ripped open and the Bible stuffed down her throat! That is freak out time.


Was tough to gage Safiyah's reacition here. Not only did she find her sister dead, but she just realized the sheep lady is back from the dead. Yes, the witch is the sheeplady in otherworldly form. I did not establish that well and need to fix it. When Safiyah saw that and ran into her daughter behind her, I just thought all she would be seeking was safety at the moment. The witch/sheep lady is after her too as you find out later in the story.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Here we are introduced to the witch. No description or anything prior. At least not that I can remember. Did I miss something?


Much is answered in above. I describe her later in the script because all I wanted the audience to see at this moment was her silhouette pressed up against the glass. Lightning illuminates her from behind. No features can be seen, yet.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
I think if it's dark outside, and you hold up a light to the window, all you are going to see is a reflection of the light. You will not be able to see outside. Ever try to take a picture with the flash on a piece of glass?


Don't agree here. Put a cell phone, flush, up against the glass. You won't see a reflection, lest it's double paned.  Same with a flash if you could get it flush with the window. It would illuminate the outside and leave no room for reflection.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Interesting thing here. Earlier in this script, Jane said that they now live in a haunted house, yet here she is with Sammy, telling him that there are no such thing as ghosts.


Was picturing Jane just joking about it at that point. She really doen't believe in ghosts, yet.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Page 56. Okay, another confusing moment. If the witch was at Bee's house, why is there a sound in their basement now? Does the witch make a lot of noise as she crawls back into the well? I don't get it. Seems like the noise would have been made when she 1st climbed out of there rather than on her way back.


Good point, if you're referring to the witch calling Aunt Bee's house from Tom and Janes. Didn't catch that one. But, yes, I wanted to build tension with the witch pushing off the bags of concrete mix that Tom stacked on the well


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Or can they only hear him on the radio?


That was what I was shooting for.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Sammy says he saw her. He saw the witch. I thought he was talking to Walter. Also, since the other ladies can see the witch, shouldn't Jane be able to see her too?


hopefully, later in the story, you'll get that only Aunt bee could see the witch. The others just know of her existence. Aunt Bee is the only tru medium amongst them.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Jane's response to the Sheriff when she finds out that, has died doesn't really work for me. Especially not when she goes on to ask if he liked the house. I understand what you're trying to do here, but I think that question comes too early. It would work better if it was a question asked later in the script, but not immediately after finding out her husband is dead. And, what is Sammy doing during all this?


Absolutely agree here, with the way it comes off on a written page. I tried adding sirens in the distance to give the scene more depth. More time to develop. On page, it's way too fast of a reaction. Would hope a good director would spce this out more.



Quoted from Grandma Bear
Page 70. I really like this part, it means the awful things you've done in your life actually saved your life. She's afraid of what's going to come for you when you die. That was very good.


James was meant to be a racist. this is where others had problems. Trying to paint him as someone who is hell-bound. It's why the witch doesn't kill him. Not so much for being racist, but for falsifying evidence that put a black man behind bars whom he assumed was guilty. That man died in prison. This is eluded to way early in the story and never revisited again until now. Thats why it's getting hammered...

The POV of the DAMNED thingy? needs a fixer. That's pretty much for sure.

Thanks for continuing on, I know how busy you are with your projects. If I can ever help, I owe ya. Thanks for the typos especially, try to snag the new draft when you get a chance.

A little birdie told me you wrot an OWC entry. Have to see if I can find it...

James



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leitskev
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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James

I wanted to give a glance at the first 20, before I move back to Philip's script. I have not even peeked at any other reviews.

Your writing has a style to it. A lot of script writing does not, is merely functional. You have a certain style, and it helps create a certain atmosphere of mystery and intrigue. Like an Anne Rice Novel.

I'd say that in the first 20, the strength is in that intrigue, that atmosphere. What is this evil supernatural force, where did it come from, what does it do? What's in the well?

There are some issues that need to be considered, however. They may not all be problems, but I'll bring them up anyway.  

We begin with a strong opening image, nice work on that. This starts a 7 page scene in the past, before we shift to the present, or close to it. That's a lot of pages to dedicate to a scene like that, so everything better really have an impact. As this happens in the past, we will not be meeting our protag, nor learning anything about her. So this whole 7 pages is going to be about: setting up a plot, setting up an antagonist, and establishing a tone and genre. Did it succeed in these things? Hard for me to say for sure without having read the whole script.

It seems some kind of supernatural evil force came ashore with the survivors of that wreck. A big problem is that the only way we know this is from the narration. We don't actually see anything supernatural, except maybe the would-be-thief going under water with black hands behind him. I think it's even explained that this is just a bad guy going to hell, nothing to do with our story, or our antagonist.

So we're really not coming out of this with a sense of the antagonistic force, or even the plot lines. The genre of something supernatural is not clearly established either.

I basically liked this opening scene as I read it. But in hindsight analysis, I don't think it's doing what it needs to do, and it takes up 7 pages.

Now finally on page 8 we meet our protagonist, Jane. Which leads to the next issue. Jane's qualities as a character are not shown to us. We are told of them by a narrator. For example, the narrator says she has a heart of a lion. It would be better to show that. Indulge me, and let me give an example from my own script, not that the script is better, but one of the character intro's worked well, I think.

Remember Shannon? She's petite and cute just like Jane. When we meet her, she boldly holds up a gun shop, with a gun stolen in that very shop. So we see she's tough. But then she walks out the door and almost breaks down. And we see her little sick daughter. At this point we know much of the toughness was an act. So we know this character pretty well by then. She's tough enough, but her strength comes from determination to help her daughter.

If Jane is going to be tough as a lion, it's better if something happens in our opening scene to reveal it.

Or...if her arc involves having to learn to be tough, that's different. But if that's the case, she should not be described as tough as a lion, we should see that progression.

Continuing on with the protag problem: we don't meet her until page 8; then she's not really in focus. There are more scenes where she's not present, and she's not real active in the ones she is. We're not getting any sense of her from her actions or choices. If there's a flaw, we don't know it yet. Her character looks like it is just starting to develop around page 20 when we see her in class. That's very late in the film.

What I get from the front 20 pages is that while the writing is often strong and entertaining, and we're seeing good intrigue and mystery being crafted, I feel the structure is more conducive to a novel at this point. For this to be a film, this needs to be much more tightly focused and structured, in my amateur opinion.

So my suggestions:

1) tighten and focus that opening ship sequence. Get it down to 3 or 4 pages. Give us a strong taste that we are in for a supernatural tale. Actually, the supernatural hint should come in the first page or two. And if we're not going to meet the protagonist in this opening, we need to meet the antagonist. That doesn't mean we literally have to meet a person, but we need to get a clear and powerful sense of what this antagonistic force is. And not just from a narrator.
2) if we're not being introduced to the protag in the opening scenes, then when we meet her, the spotlight has to stay on her for a while, til we get a full sense of her. Also, a little trick I learned. If you have to leave the protag in this critical development time in order to intro another important character, find a way to keep the protag in view. That doesn't mean she is in the scene. It means she is somehow referenced by the characters in the scene. So the sheriff should mention Jane, or next best thing if that's not possible,  mention the house, or "the new teacher". There's always a way. Jane should either be in the scene or somehow pointed to by the characters within the scene.
3) focus and reveal some of the plot line a little earlier. We don't want to know the story too early, but we need to feel its contours, get a sense of what this is about. The title doesn't reveal anything, so we need more revelation. We know there's something evil, it will be fought be Jane, the evil has committed murder, and likely used innocent people to do it. But if someone were to ask me now, tell us in one sentence what this is about, I couldn't begin. I've made this mistake in my own scripts, and it's a problem. I've learned the hard way. Still learning the hard way!

Keep in mind, Unicorn, one of the Nichols winners, suffered many of these problems and won. So don't be discouraged by my amateur remarks. This is how I see the front 20, I think coverage notes will mention some of these things. Hopefully this helped a little.

You're definitely one of the better writers here, easy to read your stuff.

Will check back after I read more.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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Page 71. I have been away from this script for one day now and it is possible that I missed something. My memory is not what it used to be. LOL. When Safiyah says to James that he destroyed that young man's life, who is she talking about? Is she talking about Tom? Or someone in the past?

Page 73. When Jane goes to Lucinda's psychic readings, I think he would help if you let us know that Jane went there straight from the cemetery or if this is a new day. Right now it appears she went there straight from the funeral which in my opinion I don't really buy. I don't see how Jane would do that after such a traumatic death of her husband. Seems to me, that she would need some time before going there. In other words, if you let us know if Jane is still wearing the funeral clothes or something else, we will know that some time has passed.

Page 78. Just one question here, if the sheep lady was brought over here from Morocco by her grandparents and her mother was burned at the stake, was she burned here or in Morocco? If her mother was burned at the stake in Morocco, I'm just curious if that is or ever was a common practice there? It sounds more like a Christian thing to do to me. Just curious is all is I would want your script to ring true.

Page 80. I am wondering why the sheep lady wants to go after Jane and Sammy. What have they done to her? If anything they let her lose, set her free. The only other thing they've done is move into the house. If she wants to take revenge on anyone should be the people from the past in the town not Jane and Sammy. Of course, due to a lot of things going on here and with the OWC, my reading of your script has been very choppy. Quite possible that missed something along the way or forgot. Do people really talk like that in real life? I don't know. Maybe it's just more visible on paper than if you heard it.

I guess I must be slow, which is quite possible, but I don't understand what Jane plan is. I feel stupid.

Page 87. For safety's sake, I think it would be more realistic to have the Sheriff tell her how to pull back the hammer instead of doing it for her. No sane law enforcement person would hand a loaded cocked and ready gun to someone who has never used a gun before. That is an accident waiting to happen.

Page 88. Now I feel really really stupid because I don't know what Jane's plan is. If that security guards were unable to children witch with their bullets, how will Jane do it with her gun?

Page 89. Okay, I don't understand how Jane wakes up after blowing their brains out. Is she in that gray area between life and the afterlife? Where ghosts and things live? If so, does this happen to everyone when they die? Or is Jane a special case? In my opinion, this needs to be explained somewhere.

Page 90. Where did the spiders come from? And why did they come for the sheep lady?

What does the doctor mean when he says there's an entire network we have to go through. A mild red tape? I don't get that at all. Every medical workers 1st job is to do all they can to try to save someone's life. There should not be a bunch of bureaucracy keeping them from doing so.

Page 93. I think I'm having a big issue here with this story. I do not like the idea at all that James died and poor little Sammy moves in with Jane's parents. These are people we never got to know. The little we knew about them was not very positive, but you decide that this story should end on a good note for them. I don't like that idea at all. I strongly feel that Jane must survive. Perhaps she could have taken her own life in such a way that the doctor was able to revive her after the sheep lady was defeated. I think this is crucial. As it is right now, I feel very unhappy with the development of your story at this point.

Page 95. I like what you are doing here with Sammy and Walter.

I know the importance of Jane giving Sammy her heart, but I still do not like the idea of characters we knew nothing about except for negative things get to be the good guys that Sammy lives with in the end.

You probably want to delete those last 2 blank pages….

Overall I think you did very well. My page by page comments were questions and thoughts I had while reading. Some were small nitpick things others were a bit bigger. I think you can tell from my comments what those were.

Since this is supposed to be a harbor my biggest suggestion and complaint is still the stranger that shows up at their house and drinks with Tom and tells them about the sheep lady. There's nothing in tone visuals or dialogue that gives us the horror feel we should be feeling. My suggestion to make it little spookier would be having Sammy meet another child, perhaps a neighbor who tells them the story about the sheep lady. In my opinion, that would not only be more realistic, but also creepier. Children can be very creepy. LOL! Seriously, the stranger drinking and joking with Tom feels very very wrong. You can do so much more to spook that part up.

My other big complaint was at the end and what happens to Jane and Sammy. It felt very wrong. Left with a bad taste in my mouth.

I apologize for my comments being choppy. That's not normally how I do things. Despite that, I hope some of my comments can be of help.

I have not yet read through your comments to me. I will do so tomorrow. Good work James.  




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Baltis.
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 3:27am Report to Moderator
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Heya, James -- Finally getting around to posting up my notes on your work here.   I've went back and re-read bits and pieces of the script over the last few days to get a better understanding of a few things... I hate breaking down a read into sections, because it always ressults in me going back and re-reading.

It was a long read, and at 100 pages it shouldn't feel so weighty -- I might even have felt off-put having a physical copy in my hand to read properly.  To be honest, the trailer you wrote is what really motivated me here.  

I'm a technical guy -- If a script doesn't feel right, I won't read it or will stop reading it pretty quickly... Not to say I've become the authority on it this past year, but I've been working very close with a few consultants and I like to think it's paid off.  My work, the script I'm entering into Page, shows this handily.

I'm doing all the technical stuff 1st post and will get to my thoughts on your story and why it did work, why it didn't and what it reminds me of 2nd...
Hope you get some use out of this, cos'  I don't stick around here long and I seldom go into this great of detail for many.

--
One gripe I had with your script was that you only space once after a period -- This butts the read up pretty tight.  I like the extra space, it looks cleaner... It reads more swiftly.  Think about adopting this on a re-write or in your future work.

--
Your 1st 10 pages, in retrospect, can be trimed to about 4 by my calculations...   I can tell this script was either

A) written on whims from the top of your head
or
B) Not fully plotted out before you started writing

Reason being, your script has several instances where you'll have a scene header at the very bottom of the page, dialogue floating at the top of the next page or -- even worse, action bleed over.  

Page 4 and 5 show this trait early on -- then it clears up and comes back on page 20 to 21 -- then sporadically comes and goes from then on.  

Biggest eye sore in the script came on page 42 with your INSERT DISPLAY bleeding over into 43.

Make sure you are plotting this thing through to a science.  Make sure your read is as clean and tight as possible.  Make sure it looks like each page is it's own scene.  This makes people/consultants/agents/producers know, right off the bat, you have organization on your side.  

--
Do away with the DUSK and DAWN stuff... pointless.   Explain this, better yet show this time of day through written imagery - not a word.

--
I did not like how you handled your FLASHBACK stuff.   It reads too cluttered and clunky and was one reason why your script blead over in a scene header on page 29 to 30.  

EXT. CENTURY HOME - DAY  (FLASHBACK)

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT  (END FLASHBACK)

Anyone can argue this all they want -- This is the way going forward.  Trust me on it, and start practicing it.

--
You have a few too many instances of the dreaded and highly slopy (MORE) dialogue at the bottom of the screen, bleeding onto the next page.   Starts on page 22 and peppers your script throughout.  Get rid of these instances.  Fix them. Clean up your dialogue, shorten it - do whatever you have to do.  Do not extend your dialogue from one page to the next.

If you trimmed your page 24 dialogue, you could take care of 5, by my count, of the instances I'm talking about.   Something to think over, man.  pages, 30, 31,32 -- long way to page 77, 92,

--
A few orphans here and there -- one word hogging up an entire line -- try and get rid of them.  They are tacky looking, but not deal breakers.  I don't rag on them, but the consultant I deal with does.

--
It's redundant, if the scene is the same to keep doing full scene slugs... Day is not warranted on none of the slugs on page 14.  This goes for the rest of the script where we are following one person or we are location to location.  This is all implied.

--
Don't really need the later stuff in there.  page 17 for example.  Setting, dialogue and pace should dictate this.  And it did, so axe it.

--
A small guide of words you don't want to use or use sparringly:  

Is, are, The, That, Then, Walk, Sit, Stand, Look, Just, of the, Begin, Start, really, very and any and all adverbs with LY on the end.  You are a repeat offender of most of the above.  There are tighter ways to say things without them.


--
Page 17.  Write it like this:

(OS) BELL rings
Jane shuts the classroom door - A black combat boot stops it.


Never put a sound in with action.  give it it's own space and if it's off screen, say it's off screen.  The way you wrote it we are looking at the school bell ring.

--
In dialogue, if a thought isn't broken continue it... don't end it.  For instance, this is just one of many instances, by the way.

page 19

JANE
I suppose that would depend on what religion you...

(--)
Use that instead of the elpise... and don't space.

--
Milling over the (POV OF THE DAMNED) I'd say, since you had so much trouble with it, change it... but I, personally, didn't.  

Maybe a (POV: PORTAL) would suffice.  Keep your descriptions or give the realm a name other than the damned.  I think, the way you introduce it at the start, tends make people think it's a person.  Establish it's more a meshing of worlds/realms/dead and living.

--
So many instances where you can continue a sentense or thought, but choose to end it with a period.  Since I'm nearing the end of the technical's I'll end it with the end of your script.

The entire last page of your script is chalk full of broken thoughts.  

Light flickers by as the view speeds through the tunnel.  A junction room appears with three smaller tunnles. The view veers left through a smaller tunnel.

Write it like this -- it's gonna take more lines, but it's more visual and it's also a bit more exciting.

Light flickers by - High speed through the tunnel.

A junction room, three smaller tunnels lined up.

Through the left tunnel.


--
I'd toss a THE END on this one... I'd also do away with FADE TO BLACK and just keep it to FADE OUT:

--
Anyways, pressed for time -- so I'm gonna end this one here.  I'll pick back up tomorrow on the story aspects and stuff.  Hope this helps you all around, and not just on this script.

Revision History (1 edits)
Baltis.  -  March 5th, 2012, 3:45pm
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alffy
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 11:18am Report to Moderator
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Hey, James

I’ve not read any previous comments as I didn’t want them to influence my thoughts so apologises if these points have already been brought up. Anyway here are my thoughts as I read this:

On page 1 your Slug reads EXT. HURRICANE DECK, is this the paddle steamer? It’s a bit unclear; maybe you should name the paddle steamer in your previous description.

Seems a bit strange to me that you named Walter but not his father.

Page 3, ‘Black smoke begins to devour the moon.’ Love this description.

Page 4, not sure you need to put ‘Aerial shot’ when maybe a EXT will do.

Bottom of page 5, ‘The screams fade.’  They’re underwater so this reads a bit awkward to me, although I know what you mean and I’m not sure how else to write it. Also you say the man in the leisure suit and his family drown but they then exit the water in the next scene? Seems a bit weird as you said he gave up and basically accept they were going to drown.  Oh, hang on, maybe I just got what happened?

I’d like to see a few commas but the short sharp sentences aren’t too much of an issue really.

Why did they bury the bodies on the beach?

So we shift to the present. Jane, Tom and Realtor scene was good, very believable dialogue and the history of the house didn’t seem forced.

Bert, the teacher, says he counts the days till the summer. Very true, my wife’s a teacher and the first day back she starts counting the days to the next holiday.

Page 23, Tom seems to just blurt out that Sammy has an illness. I’m not sure about it, seems a bit forced.  Not sure he would tell someone he’s only just met?  Maybe after a few more beers would be better, like when Jane takes Sammy upstairs and leaves them together.

I liked Tom’s story about shitting himself, reminds me of a friend of mine who shit himself in a nightclub after consuming too many beers lol.

I enjoyed the well story, very ‘ring’ like and it read very creepy too.  I think every town has a spooky looking house that has a strange story attached to it.

Page 36, and I want to know more about Aunt Bee.

Tom and Jane react to Sammy illness pretty believably.  Their apprehension at the doctors and feeling they are waiting for someone to die before Sammy can get his transplant all came across well.

I’m at page 42 and am starting to wonder what the beginning was about and how it will tie in with the sheep lady? Guess it’s good that you’ve got me interested.

Bottom on page 42, Bee’s in her bedroom and you describe her actions but there are a lot of consecutive ‘She does this’ and ‘she does that’, maybe want to change a few?

Top 43, this confused me because Safiyah pulls the plug but I wasn’t aware she was there?

Things are warming up and Bee’s demise is pretty creepy. I liked the whole scene of Safiyah and Meliah entering the dark house and finding her body, you created some good atmosphere here.  Scenes lit only by lightning flashes are always going to add to the shock factor.

I’ve noticed a few times that your characters say ‘go to bed’ when they are already in bed. Is this a regional thing meaning ‘go to sleep’? I only ask because it reads a bit funny to me. I will also say that if I get woken in the night, the only thing to come out of my lips are simple grunts of disapproval.

The sheep lady kills Bee before going to her own house?  I wonder why?

Top 58, ‘He’s been drug backwards’, should be ‘dragged’.

Not sure about the slow-mo. I think the basement door slamming should happen quickly for more impact.  Also Sheriff Colston arrives quite quickly, not sure this is a mistake as obviously I have no idea how far he had to travel but Aunt Bee had to get the bus there from her place earlier, yet he got there in a matter of moments.  Oh, it’s a few miles away so it is possible.

Page 59, the deputy says’ ‘we’re on are way’, should be ‘our’.

Not sure about Nick? I don’t know if he reappears or not but it doesn’t really play any part in the story to me.

Okay so I’m on page 71 and things are buzzing round my head. What was the opening about, what’s James done that has saved him from the sheep lady, what’s with the red dust and why are some people being killed by the sheep lady and others not? Why did she kill the bartender, did she have something to do with her imprisonment? Did she kill Tom because he tried to block up the well? Also why is Walter’s ghost hanging around Sammy?  I hope these are answered in the remaining pages?


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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alffy
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Did the SWAT team go in and find Tom’s body?

Given that a funeral can be up to a week after a death, has nothing happened with the sheep lady in this time? A suspicious death would probably be longer too?

Red dust ticked off, lol.

Page 82, the ghost story has now turned into a kind of monster story as the witch becomes more involved. I’m on the fence at this moment....

Not buying the pillow under a blanket routine. If the Witch can find her targets all over town can she not sense that Sammy is not in the bed?

Things get proper weird from page 89. Jane kills herself to try and kill the sheep lady/witch right? I like the split/parallel existence in which the witch/sheep lady occupy, this is very good and quite disturbing.

Okay so I actually breezed through this really quickly. I’ve a few final thoughts;

The damned had me confused right up until the end when I kind of figured out that they weren’t related to the witch...or are they, maybe I’m still confused?
I’m still confused as to the witch’s motives to kill some people? I understand her motives to kill the people who blocked up the well but not convinced why Tom, Jane and Sammy on her list. I guess it’s simply because the live in her house?
I loved the sheep lady’s demise but again it left me a little confused. Why did she get attacked by spiders?
Mark, who appears and tells us about the sheep lady, never re-appears which is odd to me. I thought he bonded with Tom for a reason but he just seems to serve a purpose as to tell us the back story.
I’m not sure about the whole beginning and ending. Maybe I’ve missed something but what has the sinking of the Hurricane got to do with the sheep lady? Has it something to do with the land that the bodies were buried on now being built upon? Walter seems a good character yet he’s sparsely used. I’d like to see him play more of a role in the story.
A final thought is that it came across a bit like two stories that didn’t really match together. This might seem odd to you as the story is a quite linear but it’s just the feeling I got. The Walter scenes didn’t fit with the rest of the sheep lady story for me even though they showed us the damned (which had me confused).  I know it could be hard for you but personally I think you could lose the whole Walter story and trim this down to 90 pages.

Right, I seem to have included nothing but negatives up to this point so I’ll finish with some positives me thinks.  I enjoyed the story in general but obviously have some issues (see above lol). I will say that I did intend to read this over a few more days but I got carried away and steamed through it which is obviously a good point. You created some very good visual scenes and lots of atmosphere and even a few scares too.


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jwent6688
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Kev, thanks for giving this a look.



Quoted from leitskev
We begin with a strong opening image, nice work on that. This starts a 7 page scene in the past, before we shift to the present, or close to it. That's a lot of pages to dedicate to a scene like that, so everything better really have an impact. As this happens in the past, we will not be meeting our protag, nor learning anything about her. So this whole 7 pages is going to be about: setting up a plot, setting up an antagonist, and establishing a tone and genre. Did it succeed in these things? Hard for me to say for sure without having read the whole script.


I wanted to tell this story. I tried to give it a purpose-- being that hell-bound spirits see things differently in limbo. That something comes for them and does so right quick. They don't get to stay. It's an important element to the story, but most have found it a waste thus far.

There was no evil spirit that came ashore except the man in the buxton hat. Something came for him and took him to hell.


Quoted from leitskev
Now finally on page 8 we meet our protagonist, Jane. Which leads to the next issue. Jane's qualities as a character are not shown to us. We are told of them by a narrator. For example, the narrator says she has a heart of a lion. It would be better to show that. Indulge me, and let me give an example from my own script, not that the script is better, but one of the character intro's worked well, I think.


I thought this would be okay. I definitely show you she's tough as nails throughout the story. I just wanted to establish that she is the protag as soon as we meet her. I used up 7 pages on an off story and needed to catch up quick


Quoted from leitskev
Continuing on with the protag problem: we don't meet her until page 8; then she's not really in focus. There are more scenes where she's not present, and she's not real active in the ones she is. We're not getting any sense of her from her actions or choices. If there's a flaw, we don't know it yet. Her character looks like it is just starting to develop around page 20 when we see her in class. That's very late in the film.


Agreed. Again, rushing here a bit trying to catch up because of the pages taken up by the opening story. Its a major flaw in the script.

Agree with your last three points as well. It all pertains to the opening scene. I thought it would be effective in showing what happens to evil souls when they die. It's fallen flat to most as far as having much effect on the story...

Thanks for the comments so far. Waiting for a couple more reads before i go into a hefty rewrite. Probably just gonna gut out the central story here and build around it...

James





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leitskev
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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I like  the idea behind what you're saying, definitely. I can't really consider it's impact until I read the rest of the story. And I did understand your explanation of the ghost limbo thing.

There are references to something evil though, with the narration. Something about this place being as good as any. Are you saying the evil was already there?

I think that the opening scene should introduce us to either the protag, or the antagonistic force. I suppose it could be used just to introduce a plot device. But you've dedicated 7 pages to that. If there is an antagonistic force, this would be a real good time to introduce it.

I am guilty of this in my scripts too. The idea is to focus things to the key elements. You have a lot  to do in the first act, say first 25 pages: introduce protag and antag; establish tone and genre; introduce the main players; if there is a theme or a debate, get it going so we are exposed to it. If the protag has a character flaw that will need to be worked out, we need to discover it.

That's a lot to do, so ideally you want to get some of it out of the way in the opening scene.

The opening scene sequence is prime real estate. Things that happen there have to pay off later. I'll find out if they do when I read the rest. We have a man and his son with coins stitched in their coats; we have a would-be-thief who is dragged to hell; we have a narrator in the present talking about this, so it must be important to them; and we have a strong hint at confused ghosts who don't move on.

I don't know, like I said, I'd keep the scene if you can shorten and build in the antagonistic force somehow. Whether something evil comes ashore, or something evil is already there and shows itself at this horrendous moment. Make us fear it.

Rewrites are fun! Yeah, right. The writing was fine, though. No problem seeing things how you wanted. I even liked UNDERWATER as a mini-slug. I bet that tweaked a few rule enforcers!
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jwent6688
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Page 71. I have been away from this script for one day now and it is possible that I missed something. My memory is not what it used to be. LOL. When Safiyah says to James that he destroyed that young man's life, who is she talking about? Is she talking about Tom? Or someone in the past?


It was that file James was looking at in the beginning, that Sheriff Colston took from him. They were reopening the investigation on this. James falsified evidence in the case because he believed the black man was guilty. The man wasn't and has since died in prison. You weren't the only one to have a problem with it.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Page 78. Just one question here, if the sheep lady was brought over here from Morocco by her grandparents and her mother was burned at the stake, was she burned here or in Morocco? If her mother was burned at the stake in Morocco, I'm just curious if that is or ever was a common practice there? It sounds more like a Christian thing to do to me. Just curious is all is I would want your script to ring true.


This is part of the script that is three years old. I read a story about witch hunts in morocc in the the 1900s. Mostly by Islamists who persecuted anyone not of their religion. I'll have to see if I can find the article.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Page 80. I am wondering why the sheep lady wants to go after Jane and Sammy. What have they done to her? If anything they let her lose, set her free. The only other thing they've done is move into the house.


They didn't do anything. The witch/sheep lady is frustrated that Safiyah won't leave her house. The witch wants to kill Safiyah because of what her mother did to her. Locked her in the well.

So if Safiyah won't come outside, She's goin to kill innocent people until she does. This is a stretch, I just wanted to keep my protag in harms way. The original draft had a team of paranormal investigators go into the house and get slaughtered. I seemed to lose peoples interest when i did that. Wanted to keep the focus on Jane and Sammy.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Page 89. Okay, I don't understand how Jane wakes up after blowing their brains out. Is she in that gray area between life and the afterlife? Where ghosts and things live? If so, does this happen to everyone when they die? Or is Jane a special case? In my opinion, this needs to be explained somewhere.


I tried to establish that this was the place all souls go to when they die with the boat scene in the beginning. Limbo if you will, to be judged. Jane committed a mortal sin in the face of God and by doing so, the gates of hell opened to take her. The witch/sheep lady got caugh up in it as well. It was why she was afraid to kill James.

I understand your major concerns. This was not really meant to be a happy story. I wanted to create an evil and make you hate it. Then, come up with a unique way to defeat it. But, it comes at a price.

Carol, Jane's mother, was a good person who Jane adored. I try to establish that at the funeral when Jane argues with her father. Her father is the real dick here. Her mother suffers, kind of caught in the middle of the feud between Jane and William.

I can see where you wouldn't like that, but I didn't see another option at that point with what I've done with the story.

Super huge thanks for getting through this. Your comments will definitely help in a rewrite. I am in your debt. Glad you still found some things to like here. The story does need to be set up better...

James



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jwent6688
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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Baltis, thanks for giving this a look...


Quoted from Baltis
To be honest, the trailer you wrote is what really motivated me here.


Good, that means it works.


Quoted from Baltis
Hope you get some use out of this, cos'  I don't stick around here long and I seldom go into this great of detail for many.


I appreciate you taking the time. Would like you to know, before I continue on, that I'm not a format junky. I don't get into arguments about whether or not FADE IN: should be on left or right.

I also don't point out format issues I have with scripts I read here unless they do one thing... Confuse me and take me out of the read.

Hence this POV OF THE DAMNED thing I do throughout the script. Confused almost everyone and its gotta go.

--

Quoted from Baltis
One gripe I had with your script was that you only space once after a period -- This butts the read up pretty tight.  I like the extra space, it looks cleaner... It reads more swiftly.  Think about adopting this on a re-write or in your future work.


Just disagree here. That actually looks odd to me. I've seen people use it, though.


Quoted from Baltis
Make sure you are plotting this thing through to a science.  Make sure your read is as clean and tight as possible.  Make sure it looks like each page is it's own scene.  This makes people/consultants/agents/producers know, right off the bat, you have organization on your side.


First I've ever heard of that. I've read coverage from alot of peoples scripts here. They never include anything like that. Highly doubt a producer would have a clue as to what is good format let alone complain about it. Shit, been writing for three years now and I still don't.  


Quoted from Baltis
Do away with the DUSK and DAWN stuff... pointless.   Explain this, better yet show this time of day through written imagery - not a word.


Agreed. That I will fix in the next draft.


Quoted from Baltis
I did not like how you handled your FLASHBACK stuff.   It reads too cluttered and clunky and was one reason why your script blead over in a scene header on page 29 to 30.  

EXT. CENTURY HOME - DAY  (FLASHBACK)

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT  (END FLASHBACK)

Anyone can argue this all they want -- This is the way going forward.  Trust me on it, and start practicing it.


I like the way I did it, and I've seen it this way several times, your way works, too, I guess, but seems a little new age for me. Not seen it in many scripts.



Quoted from Baltis
If you trimmed your page 24 dialogue, you could take care of 5, by my count, of the instances I'm talking about.   Something to think over, man.  pages, 30, 31,32 -- long way to page 77, 92,


I'll have to look at that. Could have a good point there. I know alot of sticklers here for dialogue spilling onto the next page, personally, It's never bothered me.


Quoted from Baltis
A few orphans here and there -- one word hogging up an entire line -- try and get rid of them.  They are tacky looking, but not deal breakers.  I don't rag on them, but the consultant I deal with does.


I think this is more important for MP'ers. Trying to get a script hammered down into five pages. I don't really care for its argument. If a feature comes in on time, page count wise, I don't really see its point.


Quoted from Baltis
Don't really need the later stuff in there.  page 17 for example.  Setting, dialogue and pace should dictate this.  And it did, so axe it.


Agreed. Will fix.

--

Quoted from Baltis
A small guide of words you don't want to use or use sparringly:  

Is, are, The, That, Then, Walk, Sit, Stand, Look, Just, of the, Begin, Start, really, very and any and all adverbs with LY on the end.  You are a repeat offender of most of the above.  There are tighter ways to say things without them.


Agreed, they sneak in and out of my writing. I don't see how their use would put anybody off though. If the story's good and the dialogue is good,  a few faults in writing could be accepted IMO.



Quoted from Baltis
Never put a sound in with action.  give it it's own space and if it's off screen, say it's off screen.  The way you wrote it we are looking at the school bell ring.


Agree with the off screen reference. i missed that.


Quoted from Baltis
JANE
I suppose that would depend on what religion you...

(--)
Use that instead of the elpise... and don't space.


I like my elipses. Haven't seen the use of dashes in dialogue very much.


Quoted from Baltis
So many instances where you can continue a sentense or thought, but choose to end it with a period.  Since I'm nearing the end of the technical's I'll end it with the end of your script.


Agreed. Am going to get more familiar with using the comma button.

Thanks for the comments and taking the time, Baltis, always appreciated.

James


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jwent6688
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Alffy, Thanks for the read. My favorite compliment is that you finished it in one read eventhough you didn't plan to. Lol



Quoted from alffy
On page 1 your Slug reads EXT. HURRICANE DECK, is this the paddle steamer? It’s a bit unclear; maybe you should name the paddle steamer in your previous description.


It is an open deck on the paddle steamer. It was the proper name for it back in the 1800s. Dunno if they still use it. Get where it can be confusing.


Quoted from alffy
Why did they bury the bodies on the beach?


This is a true story I tried to integrate into the script. It was it was a scalding hot day in June when this happened. The bodies began to stink. The manifest of passengers was burned up on the boat. Had no idea who was who.


Quoted from alffy
Bert, the teacher, says he counts the days till the summer. Very true, my wife’s a teacher and the first day back she starts counting the days to the next holiday.


Good, have a few teacher friends of my own. Asked them to come up with an Idea/piece of literature that could spark a conversation about suicide. They all drew blanks. Think I did well with R&J.





Quoted from alffy
I’m at page 42 and am starting to wonder what the beginning was about and how it will tie in with the sheep lady? Guess it’s good that you’ve got me interested.


Sorry to mislead. It's got nothing to do with the sheep lady. Just what happens to her in the end.


Quoted from alffy
Top 43, this confused me because Safiyah pulls the plug but I wasn’t aware she was there?


Typo I've already fixed, thanks.


Quoted from alffy
I’ve noticed a few times that your characters say ‘go to bed’ when they are already in bed. Is this a regional thing meaning ‘go to sleep’? I only ask because it reads a bit funny to me. I will also say that if I get woken in the night, the only thing to come out of my lips are simple grunts of disapproval.


Got a point there.


Quoted from alffy
The sheep lady kills Bee before going to her own house?  I wonder why?


She's out for revenge, would think it might take her a few hours to muster after a 60yr entrapment. She wants Safiyah and Aunt Bee because their mother locked her up.

Hope you got a few answers to all of your questions. I tried to give the sheep lady motive to kill Safiyah and Bee. But, then she also has a complete deteste for all of humanity. She broke the laws of what happens to her when she dies. She should be in hell. Now, she can kill at will without any consequence

on to last post...


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