Quoted from jwent6688 Glad you still found some things to like here. The story does need to be set up better..

I liked a lot of it. Thought you did a good job.  

I have not read through the other comments, but noticed Alffy's today. I think he brings up some great questions.

Quoted from alffy Did the SWAT team go in and find Tom’s body?

Quite right. I did leave that scene out. It was pretty uneventful. I figured the sheep lady was gone again by this time.

Quoted from alffy Given that a funeral can be up to a week after a death, has nothing happened with the sheep lady in this time? A suspicious death would probably be longer too?

Good point. This should've seemed like it took a few days. With the sheep lady mostly wanting Safiyah who's holed up, didn't figure she would do much until she becomes frustrated.

Quoted from alffy Page 82, the ghost story has now turned into a kind of monster story as the witch becomes more involved. I’m on the fence at this moment....

I know, almost a creature feature at this point. I really tried to drive home that no evil ever gets to stay, because who knows what they could manifest themselves into if they wanted.

Quoted from alffy If the Witch can find her targets all over town can she not sense that Sammy is not in the bed?

I like to think the witch knew a bit about her earlier targets. Could sense them. She's been wanting to kill them for some time. Jane and sammy were kind of a random kill to prove a point.

Quoted from alffy Things get proper weird from page 89. Jane kills herself to try and kill the sheep lady/witch right? I like the split/parallel existence in which the witch/sheep lady occupy, this is very good and quite disturbing.

Thanks, this is what most seem to be missing and its the scene I was trying to set up the entire time...

Quoted from alffy Why did she get attacked by spiders?

It was just a vehicle sent from hell to bring Jane back. Sheep lady got caught in the middle. Sucked down too. I would figure whatever vehicle comes for Damned souls might be creative. It was black skeletal hands at first. This time, its spiders.

Quoted from alffy Walter seems a good character yet he’s sparsely used. I’d like to see him play more of a role in the story.

Yeah, he was a new addition to this script and i didn't utilize him enough. Eitherway I'm probably gonna cut the entire opening scene and Walter would get the Axe as well. I tried too hard to make this as much about town history as the core story and seem to have failed. Should've been less ambitious for a first feature.

Thanks again for the read, glad there was some things to like here. Hit me up if you ever need the favor returned...

James

Just want to throw something out and I will agree 1,000,000% with Balt on this.  Standard writing practice always states that there are 2 spaces after a period.  Always.

I have always been amazed when I saw people not doing that and was pretty much baffled by this practice.

James, you always stress about double spacing before Slugs (which is correct), I'm surprised you'd be against this...or not aware of it.  It really does make the read easier and look cleaner.

Just a thought...

Quoted from Dreamscale Just want to throw something out and I will agree 1,000,000% with Balt on this.  Standard writing practice always states that there are 2 spaces after a period.  Always.

Obviously, I'm not aware of it. I'm an amateur. I've never been called out about it before, so I found it strange that I was now. Never knew that rule, but will impliment it on my future works...

James

Sweet!

And I have conformed on the double spacing as well before Slugs.  My software didn't automatically do that and it took me some time to figure how to get it to do it all the time.  I actually told Ghostie how to do it with MM recently and he was happy as well.

Hey, one of the great things about SS, you can seriously learn something all the time and if you buy into it, everybody's happy.  

PART 2  (mind the spelling -- I imported from word on an HP mini)

Juggling 2 scripts, one for entry and another 10 year+ project leads me to many late nights -- hence why I'm here again, after 2 am finishing up my review for your script.

All the technical stuff aside and out of the way -- and there were more, but a lot of it comes down to preference.  What I choose to do, maybe you don't.  I don't wanna force that on you too much... So, take the advice -- don't take the advice... it's there.  Anyways, technicals are all nice and good -- but most people want to hear about their story and if it has legs to stand on and go the distance and all that.  

--
Tons and tons to keep up with with this one, James.  Back story-Racism claims-kids with heart problems-witches-folklore- and a ton of characters galore.

I was dissapointed that you wrote so well for certain characters and completely dropped the ball on others... Jane and Sammy come to mind here.  It pisses me off, because while this read was weighty at times -- it was pretty damn good.  I'd easily sit and watch it, and probably enjoy it for what it is.  Easily better on paper than 30 to 50%  of the stuff you see today.

Jane, Sammy and Mark were, for me, way too forced... While most everything else flowed right off the page in my head.  Mark was pretty much the one character I didn't like from the get go.  Guy comes over, imposes, drinks beer, tells dick weed jokes and just gushes dicktwist... I don't know if that's how you intended him to be, but that's how he hit me.

some of the stuff going on around page 19 to 25 was pretty pointless.  The house stuff.  The banter back and forth.  It's good to build character and make them believable, and you did this, but I think you did it too much and too often.  It's like each character came with their own Diary of dialogue.  

Then you have some weird instances where you call the restaurant the "Flying Burrito" and then revert to calling it "FRiday's".  I don't get it.  Did he run over to Friday's so he didn't have to shit at the "Flying Burriot"?    And none of this even needs to be in the story -- it really, really, really doesn't.  It would be hard to even get actors to say this shit with a straight face.  I can't imagine the amount of takes this one would burn up.

Yeah, all of your mark, tom and jane stuff needs to be heavily trimed or nixed and replaced with something more impactful.  It went on way too long and nothing is going on and something should be in place of it by this point.

If you were to cut the intro, nix all  Mark and Tom's early on shenanigans -- you could pace the movie more into your favor.  This would, however, mean you'd have to find more situations to replace this stuff, but it isn't impossible... and right now, as it stands, there isn't much glue left since you used so much pasting in some pretty unnessassary stuff.

I think I'm in agreements, in retrospect, with Jeff on a number of things he laid out in his crazy detailed review.  The intro is one thing this story can stand on without.  This story doesn't need that entire 7 page, with bleed over dialogue onto 8, lead in.  The story is certainly paced off because of it and if you would cut it --  Your page 37 would become your much needed plot pinch on page 30.

And it works... Why?  Because the whole Aunt Bee bit.  The Fog on the window, the HELP US thing... That is exactly the imagry you want to hit us in the face with on film, 30 min into the movie.  Please consider this.  It gives us something to chew on since the movie has been a slow build up to where we are.  And I love a slow build up.  I don't like the unseen too seen.  I get what you're going for and I dig it... but there are certain pinches you have to hit -- and you didn't hit them because your intro.  And it did throw the entire script off for me at times.

The script really starts getting to where it needs to on page 44... It was a nice change of pace, but, as Jeff said, I do think there is a certain drop in quality in the 2nd act... but, oddly enough, you come back near the 3rd act and it goes back to being pretty stable again.  I don't know if you skip around when you write or what, but it often felt like you had during 30 to 70.

Some of the dialogue on page 52 is pretty outlandish...  The Sheriff asking about the crucifix and Safiyah explaining it and then her telling him about getting the Phillips out of the house.  I wanted to buy it, but I read it like 2o times and couldn't do it.  It felt forced to me.

I do have an issue with the melodraumatic cemetery bits, but it was still a good lead in to strenghten Jane's character -- a much needed one too.  I think her dialogue is still a bit weak, but servicible.  

Really, from page 80 to the end is pretty good.  I didn't stop reading it for a second.  It kept me there and kept me wanting to see the conclusion culminate... I think they are easily the strongest pages in the script... Aside from some good stuff on page 13 to right before Mark shows up... Then you had some fantastic dialogue and writing going on with aunt Bee around page 35 and the whole fog in the window bit -- powerful stuff.

All in all, it was a good read.  I think it's make a workable flick -- and people would probably turn up for it, man.  This is the kind of stuff that sales.  You've no doubt got a marketable script here -- yes, some things need to be tweaked.  Things need to be ommited.  Things need to be rearanged.  

I think my biggest hang up was the shifting of the POV stuff -- but not in the way it was for everyone else.  I could see that stuff visually -- I just wasn't fully grasping where it was playing into the fold until a bit too late.  And maybe that's fine... but if the movie had been paced slightly better, this probably wouldn't have been an issue.  

When I read a script I view it as movie time.  How many min's is this into the film.  Then I compare it to other films of that nature... with this one, as I read it, though, I couldn't help but draw some lines of comparison -- maybe by just my own doing and nothing intentional on your end.  But I kept seeing American Horror Story running in my mind while reading this.  I couldn't shake it.  There were just times when, I couldn't put my finger on it -- but I'll be damned if I wasn't thinking about that show.  And I don't even like it...

Some great imagry here.  Some very eerie stuff that could be done if filmed and people, the auidence, would love it... I've no doubt.  Me, personally, I wouldn't go see this movie in theaters.  It's just not my thing.  Witches, hauntings and stuff -- I just don't get into those movies.  But I would watch it on Netflix or something.  And, as I said, probably enjoy it.

James, you have a complete script here... you have finished a feature.  You have the blue-print, the foundation and the means to do whatever you can with it... Don't let it go.  Don't put it on the back burner.  Work on it, send it out... TALK TO PEOPLE!!!  If you have the money to have it professionally looked at, do it.

Reading this script solidifes, in the amount of time you've been writing, how far you've come -- I remember reading some of your earlier stuff.  I remember reading a Vampire on a Train bit... good stuff, but not near this caliber.  
Best of luck to you on it.

Quoted from Dreamscale Just want to throw something out and I will agree 1,000,000% with Balt on this.  Standard writing practice always states that there are 2 spaces after a period.  Always.

I wonder if there's a format selection you can make to do this automatically.
I knocked around on the FD8 menu bar... but came up empty.

E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I wonder if there's a format selection you can make to do this automatically. I knocked around on the FD8 menu bar... but came up empty. E.D.

To me, it's just such common knowledge...something everyone learned in school when they were a kid, but thinking about that, I guess it's only because I took a typing class, as we simply "wrote" when I was in school - no computers.

Brett, I'm not sure why you'd need a format selection, as it's just something you (should) do - Period.  After a comma, you have a single space. After a period, you have a double space.  Once you start doing it...and continue doing it, it should be second nature, just like skipping a line when you start a new passage (paragraph).

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/spaces-period-end-of-sentence.aspx


Read this article. Had to do some research about this... doesn't screenwriting software make it proprtional?


James

Edit, see that courier font is only monospaced font. So yes, double space screenplays.

Quoted from Dreamscale Brett, I'm not sure why you'd need a format selection, as it's just something you (should) do - Period.  After a comma, you have a single space. After a period, you have a double space.  Once you start doing it...and continue doing it, it should be second nature, just like skipping a line when you start a new passage (paragraph).

Well yeah, the second nature point goes without saying...
I was curious if there was a menu function that addressed that point.
Seems FD8 has a spacing option for everything else.

And I didn't learn on a typewriter, you fossil.

E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer And I didn't learn on a typewriter, you fossil. E.D.

That's funny.  I am a fossil...that much is certain.

I am surprised by that article James pulled up.  It's dated 2009.  If you read the posts at the bottom, it's interesting to see all the other dinosaurs out there.

I guess my comment would be that I'm very surprised that someone or some group would just decide to change something that to me is so basic and has been around since "print" first started.

Bottom line to me is that no one is going to question the use of 2 spaces after a period, but purists and other fossils will definitely see and question the use of only 1 space.

Very interesting however you look at it.

Quoted from jwent6688 Edit, see that courier font is only monospaced font. So yes, double space screenplays.

Yup, seems Courier Final Draft is in this group too.

E.D.

Quoted from Dreamscale That's funny.  I am a fossil...that much is certain. I am surprised by that article James pulled up.  It's dated 2009.  If you read the posts at the bottom, it's interesting to see all the other dinosaurs out there. I guess my comment would be that I'm very surprised that someone or some group would just decide to change something that to me is so basic and has been around since "print" first started. Bottom line to me is that no one is going to question the use of 2 spaces after a period, but purists and other fossils will definitely see and question the use of only 1 space. Very interesting however you look at it.

Maybe for turds and titters I'll ask a couple folks I work with if they care at all.
I've yet to get dinged by an industry pro for that on my pages.
But I do see your point and the typewriter histrionics backs that up.

Yeah you're a fossil alright...
Your liver is fossilized with Jager!

And now, back to James's script.

E.D.

Who the hell cares about stories in Ohio anymore?

And wow.  I never really paid that much attention to spacing after periods.  Guess I focus too much on things like, you know, story and what not.  :-)

I was raised double spacing after periods, too, and never heard about the rule change until just now.

What's up James?  Woohoo!  Finally a feature!

I'm only able to jump online an hour or so a day until I get my new computer, (which will be very soon), but I have this one queue'd up and will give a read and post as soon as I can.

- Mark

That was a great article link, James. I go with one space. I was taught 2 spaces back in the Flintstone age myself(though I've never taken typing, so I'm not even sure where I learned that). But two spaces on the computer, especially on the screenwriting software, just looked like too big of a gap. And since occasionally that method costs a line, I went with one space.

I also paid a high priced consultant on a script, one who APR recommended and who has been involved in the industry for decades. He never once mentioned format. He focused on the story, as should we.