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Thanks for the bump, Kev, although I have no problem with this loitering at the bottom of the boards.
This seems to be a tough script to understand in one sitting. Even more so if you break it up into sections. Every scene was meant to have a purpose and even though it got shot down in coverage, I could tell the reader did like much of this.
On page 58, when they are escaping the house, I didn't really understand why she was carrying Sammy, which seemed to create a struggle. And then he passed out or something. I wasn't sure why.
Sammy has dialated cardiomyopathy. It is a congenital disease that effects children. I set up this scene, hopefully, by Dr. Hughes who says to keep the level of stress in Sammy's life to a minimum. Sammy needs a heart transplant. See where I'm going, yet?
When Sammy sees his father murdered, he goes into end stage failure. By stress.
hopefully you can make it through. on page 80, this turns into more of a creature feature than anything else. But, it's full of action.
Always, cheers. And you know you can email me anything new and I will give it a look right quick...
I'm really into it so far. I'm up to page 52 this morning and wouldn't have stopped if I could've helped it. I'm hoping to catch some time alone later on this afternoon and I should be able to finish it then.
Here's just some thoughts that have jumped out at me so far during the read.
- I liked the opening scene. Good, strong images. My only complaint would be the V.O. I think you know that I'm actually a fan of V.O., and I liked Safiyah's. It set a good tone and remained in synch with the action. However, I do feel it carried on just a bit long and became too expository. I'd probably recommend to end it at her saying "...the only evil we've known to cheat death came here... But, I guess it was good a place as any." The voiceover dialogue beyond that kind of broke the spell I was under.
- Very very very interesting setup, especially with Sammy meeting Walter. I am curious about that scene, though? What's Walter wearing in that scene? The same clothes from the steamboat wreck?
There's definately some good pieces you're putting in place for some great drama later on. (Such as Sammy's heart condition, and the well.)
- Pg. 16. - Why have the school bell ring at the coroner's office? I understand what you were trying to do, but even in the next scene, class hasn't started yet. It's just kind of weird to have a miscellaneous bell. Maybe have the bell ring between scenes on pg. 17, that way, it'll be ushering the kids into the classroom.
(Also, some thirty-something pages later, Alexa and the algebra teacher are still missing from the script. Are they going to be coming back into play? You spent a great deal of time on them. (P.S. - Don't answer that. It was a rhetorical question. I'll find out when I finish. I just wanted to note that they disappeared for awhile.)
- Pg. 36. - Sorry, but I couldn't help laughing... Aunt Bee. Now I have the woman from the Andy Griffith Show forever etched into my mind to play her part.
- Pg. 47. - Thought I'd bring something up about Meliah. You've written her like she's a teenager. Isn't she 52? It seems she'd act a little more mature than you have her and they'd treat her a little more like an adult. Wouldn't she have a little more of an understanding of the situation, rather than just keep asking what's going on and acting like a little girl all the time? Even Mark, who's younger than Meliah, knows the story of the sheep lady. Wouldn't Meliah have heard the story, especially if her family was in the thick of it? Even the realtor knew.
But it's a great read so far. Pretty solid writing... a fast-paced story... suspense. Can't wait to finish it.
I really wish I could read this all in one setting.
Pg. 54 - If you call 911 for an intruder, isn't dispatch supposed to stay on the line with you? I'm not sure exactly, but it sounds like it'd be a ground rule. Just stuck out to me.
Pg. 58 - I don't know how it would work onscreen, but reading the SLOW MOTION part really slowed down the pace of my read, also. Not saying that it wouldn't work, but that's a pretty fast-paced scene and the SLO MO got in the way of the action as I was reading.
Pg. 72 - I got a very satisfied feeling at Tom's funeral and the way Jane dealt with her dad.
All right... those were the notes as I was reading.
In general, I had a very satisfied feeling at the end of the script. I think you tied the story up well. I understood everything that was going on as I read without having to double back at all and I understood everything at the end without any questions. (Besides what Walter was wearing in the scene that Sammy meets him.)
I can't say I had a very good image of the witch in my head. Until she died, that is. You explained her in the hospital, with the goat coat and what not, but was that what she was wearing earlier in the scenes where she appeared. I only remember seeing 'dark figure'.
And I thought she could only travel through the tunnels in the well. Just because the century house's well was capped, wouldn't she be able to come out someone else's if it wasn't sealed with the trapment spell. Then after she gets out, she goes to a bunch of places where she wouldn't have been able to come out of wells. The hospital, the bar. Maybe I misunderstood her rules, but I thought she could only travel through the well tunnels.
I also think there's some unnecessary characters, like the algebra teacher who welcomed Jane. He added nothing to the story (that I see) except to prove that Jane is a new teacher at that school. (Something we learned in the next scene anyway.)
Meliah didn't add anything to the story either, I don't think. Safiyah and Bee did everything. Meliah would just be an over-paid extra, it seems.
Mark was only filler and only served as exposition for the sheep lady story. It seems you can mingle his character in with the REALTOR's that shows them the house.
Then, there's necessary characters who need fleshed out more because they're so forgettable, like James. Something needs to be added to make him stand out more.
Then there's Alexa, who's only here so if your movie becomes a hit, there's a way to make a sequel out of it. (I liked Alexa, though. If there is a sequel, I'd watch it just because I liked her character. And I HATE sequels.)
Either fixing up or deleting all those characters will bring out your story a little bit better, I think.
I liked the setting in 'Willowick'. It sounds like a place not too far away from where I live. :-) Seriously, though, I did like the atmosphere and you made me want to travel and hang out in the town for a day or two, get a feel for it.
While I read this in a breeze, some of the writing could use a bit of an edit. Not just for typos, but just to make the action descriptions read a little bit tighter, get rid of a couple extaneous words and what not. If you need some exact examples, I'll go back, pick out a couple pages or so, and show you what I mean.
Also, I think there might be a couple too many ESTABLISHING shots, especially when we've already been to that location before. If you cut out the EXT'S and get right into the scene, it would keep the action flowing even quicker.
But, even though some work, those are probably actually very easy fixes. I don't believe there's any plotholes or any heavy heavy rewriting you need to clean this up.
Going back and browsing through a couple other people's thoughts, it seems some might not have followed the storyline (especially Walter's) as well as I did. I didn't have any problems following that, and I do think seeing it onscreen would make everything a little easier to follow with the existential part of the story. (I'm pretty sure existential is the word I'm going for. I'm not too sure I spelled it right, though.)
I also see you wrote a trailer for this and put up a link about the sheep lady. I'll check those out after dinner.
Hmm. If she was a real person, though, I wonder if you get this filmed, you'll need some sort of permission to use her persona. I haven't read about her yet, but since she sounds a little bit like a myth, it might be okay.
But great job on this, James. You know horror really isn't my thing (anymore), but you wrote a really enjoyable script here that I never lost interest in at any point.
How are things in Youngstown? I think you guys made one of the shit lists just recently like fastest declining populations or something like that. I'll have to check lol.
Huge thanks for the read. I saw a newer feature of yours roaming the boards from time to time and will give it a look as soon as I have time
You bring up some good points in your posts. Yes, the V.O. does spill on to the next scene, I tried to do that to establish our protag right out of the gate because I'm seven pages in now.
Walter's appearance is the same, I just forgot to describe that.
Good point about the school bell spilling over. the Algebra teacher was there to help establish that it was the first day of school. Alexa does return, as you now know, but her scene with jane was more to establish Jane's thoughts on suicide and Sins. Again, Alexa returns for the sequel, haha. Figured if producers are gonna dump this kind of dough on a film, they'll want to reap sequel benefits if its good. So i wrote it in there for them.
Meliah played a much large part in the first draft. She still remains, but is a cuttable character for sure. I didn't think her calling her Momma was a huge stretch, especially when she gets the shit scared out of her, but i could be wrong.
Pg. 54 - If you call 911 for an intruder, isn't dispatch supposed to stay on the line with you? I'm not sure exactly, but it sounds like it'd be a ground rule. Just stuck out to me.
I believe that, if they were surely in harm's way. But Jane didn't clarify that they were sure, just heard a noise in the basement.
The Slow Motion thing was pretty well complimented here and its just my suggesting to a film maker to show that Sammy's heart is about to fail.
I can't say I had a very good image of the witch in my head. Until she died, that is. You explained her in the hospital, with the goat coat and what not, but was that what she was wearing earlier in the scenes where she appeared. I only remember seeing 'dark figure'.
Guilty, i just wanted her to be a featureless silhouette until the hospital. I need to clear that up in the script.
And I thought she could only travel through the tunnels in the well. Just because the century house's well was capped, wouldn't she be able to come out someone else's if it wasn't sealed with the trapment spell. Then after she gets out, she goes to a bunch of places where she wouldn't have been able to come out of wells. The hospital, the bar. Maybe I misunderstood her rules, but I thought she could only travel through the well tunnels.
Hmm, interesting, I never recall laying down those rules for her. She kills the families in the fifties by coming through their wells, yes. But that was to add creepiness to the story. She didn't have to break down the front door because she already had access to their homes. I did explain should could move through darkness instantly.
Gotcha about the unnecesary characters. Heard that through all of these reviews.
Then, there's necessary characters who need fleshed out more because they're so forgettable, like James. Something needs to be added to make him stand out more.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to ditch Mark and Give James some more screen time. I'm probably gonna have him be the one who tells Tom and Jane about the sheep lady. Make you hate him a bit more. That was my goal with him.
Seriously, though, I did like the atmosphere and you made me want to travel and hang out in the town for a day or two, get a feel for it.
If you're ever in town I will buy you a pint. It's not as small town as I make it seem though. It's just a bunch of small houses and mostly small businesses in a pretty good neighborhood.
Hmm. If she was a real person, though, I wonder if you get this filmed, you'll need some sort of permission to use her persona. I haven't read about her yet, but since she sounds a little bit like a myth, it might be okay.
When you read the link, let me know how close you think my story is. She was just local folklore about the neighboring town, so I made her into a witch. I never used her real name, but i may be stepping on some toes. I would obviously make anyone interested in making this aware of it ahead of time.
Thanks again for the read Mark. I'm glad you liked it. It's a mixed bag for sure. I'm also glad you understood most of it and got what I was trying to set up.
Lol. That sounds right, the most declining population. (I didn't write 2911.21 for nothing.) I can't tell you how many abandoned houses there are around.
We're also pushing hard to become number one in homicides again. There's been 9 or 10 this year so far. (Two of them were on my street. I'm a witness to one of them. I happened to be walking home from work when they fired on him.) If we keep up at this rate, we should hit 40 by the end of the year.
But anyway...
It wasn't Meliah calling her mother 'Momma' that made me think of her as a teenager necessarily. Just her as a whole seemed really immature throughout.
Hmm... about the rule that the sheep lady has to come up through an open well. Maybe just because that's how she did it in the 50's, that's why I thought it was an automatic rule. My bad.
Quoted from jwent
If you're ever in town I will buy you a pint.
A pint? A pint?! That's like a shot to me! I want a friggin barrel of rum if we ever kick it. (Just kidding, by the way. I don't drink so much anymore, so the pint'll get me quite buzzy.)
Sorry I haven't had the chance to check out the Sheep Lady link, yet, but I'll let you know what I think when I watch it. Probably in the morning.
Quoted from jwent
It's a mixed bag for sure.
I don't think it's as much of a mixed bag as you think. I think it was great and entertaining. Just a little sprucening and there might not be any flaws at all.
No pressure on 'Thistles'. Although I am going to be tackling a rewrite of it in the next couple weeks, as soon as I get Final Draft downloaded on this new laptop. I'm putting together a plan right now that might help me get it made.
But, like I said, don't feel any pressure to have to read it.
I try to keep an eye out for feature work from regulars, especially work that gets a decent buzz going. Yours seems to have done so in fairly short order and what can I say? The story sounded interesting enough and indeed, I was able to get through it. I've been finding more and more reason to put features down nowadays.
Some notes for you to start.
- Your script is the first time I've seen SUPER appear at the end of scenes as opposed to the beginning. I don't see anything wrong with this, particularly. It does seem to simulate actual films a little more than usual. I did find it somewhat jarring though and occasionally, it threw me off course.
- I've come to realize vague character names like MAN, HUSBAND, FATHER, etc. don't work. They become downright problematic when the number of characters is on the high end. Here is no different. I find it helps to name nameless characters after their physical attributes. For example, you could name the one dude after his hat. I've seen in done and it works. But it's only one of many solutions to the problem. You might come up with something better.
pg. 15 - Racist and bigot might not be exactly the same thing but I don't think they're different enough for one to use both words to describe the same person. Pick one.
- Bert is one of many superfluous characters. I see what you're trying to do. Jane suddenly looks much better when she's got a backdrop of a cynical, disinterested coworker. But she doesn't show up in the classroom again so it really doesn't matter either way. I'd consider whether or not this scene is necessary.
- I'm not a fan of Jane's response to the suicide question. I understand you want to set up for the ending and with that it mind, I don't think this works. It's a wishy washy answer. "I suppose some Christians might feel that way... I suppose..." If you think Jane's rejection of God's forgiveness in the end is important, which, having read the comments in this thread, I think you do, Jane should flat out say it's a mortal sin.
pg. 20 - Don't understand why Jane sends Alexa to the office. For asking questions? Even with offending the other student, I though this was overkill.
- "God's rules are all sugar and spice until it affects someone you know." - Not a fan of this line. It doesn't really get the point across nor does it seem like something a teenager would say. I'd rephrase.
- Does this girl Lacy do anything in this scene at all? I don't get what her significance is.
pg. 23 - Lose the "serious personal problems" bit. They just met this dude, after all. "Welcome to our home" gets the idea across just fine.
- Not a fan of the shit story. I see this type of exposition every once in a while and it tends not to work. I know it's supposed to establish levity/down-to-earthness/whatever but it doesn't. No matter how you slice it, shitting in your pants isn't charming and I know for damn sure, Tom wouldn't have told her about it. Who would?
pg. 27 - "What a fucking prick." - Seems like a presumptuous thing to say. Again, they just met.
- Also, it feels like a cheap device to have the father say something like this. Is he a Nazi or something? WTF? I don't buy it.
- Mark is 47? Definitely doesn't act like it.
- This scene goes on for way to long, honestly? I'd cut down the shit story and the chitchat in favor of the Sheep Lady story.
- BTW, Sheep Lady? Not the greatest of names. It's one step down from Sheep Woman, which would've been preferable, frankly. Yalda's not the greatest name either. I think in your case, the name is important. It should inspire fear.
I also think you should give all the exposition on the witch at once. Not half now, half later as is currently the case. Build some dread, dude.
pg. 53 - You don't need a whisper parenthetical for every line. Just the first two. Save yourself some space.
- You're really stingy with your descriptions of the witch. I think this is a mistake. You don't need much but give us something to get under our skin.
pg. 65 - There are whispers? You can't see whispers. You need to find a better way to word this.
...
Believe it or not, these are about all the notes I took. I try to avoid proofreading and making too many format-related nitpicks. Your script does need a closer look as far as this stuff is concerned but I wouldn't say it was atrocious or anything. So the good news is that my gripes with the script were not by way of nitpicks.
Unfortunately, I had many gripes with the script. I thought the majority of it was extremely underdeveloped. The backstory of the witch isn't particularly interesting and you don't seem to be particularly interested in it either. You even say she's supposed to be pure evil. I'm only inferring this but indeed, your bad guy really seems to have been glossed over. The first half of the script is mainly exposition and character development and very little actually pertains to the witch. This is no good, especially since there seems to be a lot of visual flair when things get going. I loved the skeletal hands at the beginning, the spiders at the end, the scattered gore. It's fun stuff and if you beefed up the atmosphere, I think it could be scary stuff as well.
What also seems to have been glossed over is Jane's relationship with her parents. It's brought up twice, as far as I can tell. When it's brought up, it's with an appropriate amount of attention. I don't think it was your intention to downplay it but it is downplayed. As it seems to be a significant part of the story, I'd try to develop it further. The suicide element could be developed further as well.
The one thing I feel you got right is the family dealing with Sammy's disease. I think you can take that as far as you want but as of now, it sits reasonably well. Unfortunately, I didn't much care for the more casual elements of the family. Their more normal dynamics were frankly not charming, funny or endearing. On the contrary, I found them typical, dull and corny, right down to Tom calling his son "champ" and the "Shake your Bottle" song. With the exception of the shit story, they just kind of came off as wholesome American squares. It was actually kind of excruciating.
The impression I got was that you tried too hard to make them relatable. If you added more flaws and idiosyncrasies to them, it'd help remedy the issue.
Perhaps the biggest problem in the script was the abundance of utterly disposable characters. Walter is the most so as it seems he was supposed to play an important role but he didn't. I imagine you had some specific intentions for him but they were not fully realized IMO. I'd work on him, first and foremost.
The others... James, Mark, Nancy, etc. Not really sure why the fuck they're here. I think you can do something about that. A problem I run into a lot with scripts is too many characters. Many that need to be done away with. I can say that fortunately, your characters don't take up too much space. I didn't feel confused or overwhelmed by them. I think you can develop all of them without cutting out too much.
I'd also like to see more of Safiyah and co. Unlike the others, they played a prominent role in the script. I enjoyed them as a unit and would like to see them further developed and integrated into the story. Namely, I'd like to see them have more direct contact with the family. As of now, they seem to be more like passive observers than anything.
Anyway, congrats on finishing your first feature. I think you've got a lot to work with at this point. But as it is now, it feels like it's all over the place. I think you've got a lot to manage. Characters, plot, themes, etc. I'd take your time working on this stuff. It doesn't seem like anything that can be fixed overnight.
Your script is the first time I've seen SUPER appear at the end of scenes as opposed to the beginning. I don't see anything wrong with this, particularly. It does seem to simulate actual films a little more than usual. I did find it somewhat jarring though and occasionally, it threw me off course.
Maybe I'm not doing it right, but its the first time its been mentioned. I felt you should set the scene before you add a SUPER.
I've come to realize vague character names like MAN, HUSBAND, FATHER, etc. don't work. They become downright problematic when the number of characters is on the high end. Here is no different.
I didn't want to bog down the beginning with too much description of disposable characters. I relied on the hope that anytime the reader saw MAN or WOMAN capped, they were a new character. They show up and disappear so quickly in the opening scene.
Racist and bigot might not be exactly the same thing but I don't think they're different enough for one to use both words to describe the same person. Pick one.
Bert is one of many superfluous characters. I see what you're trying to do. Jane suddenly looks much better when she's got a backdrop of a cynical, disinterested coworker. But she doesn't show up in the classroom again so it really doesn't matter either way. I'd consider whether or not this scene is necessary.
I was really just trying to use Bert to set up that this was the very first day of school. I was hoping to set up the shock value of when Alexa drops the bomb about the girl hanging herself over the summer.
I'm not a fan of Jane's response to the suicide question. I understand you want to set up for the ending and with that it mind, I don't think this works. It's a wishy washy answer. "I suppose some Christians might feel that way... I suppose..." If you think Jane's rejection of God's forgiveness in the end is important, which, having read the comments in this thread, I think you do, Jane should flat out say it's a mortal sin.
You're right. Jane's rejection of God's forgiveness is more important than the sin itself. But, in her final monolugue before she pulls the trigger, she tells God she began to believe he never existed. She lost faith. So, at this point in the story, i don't think jane believes that at all. She just understands the rules.
Not a fan of the shit story. I see this type of exposition every once in a while and it tends not to work. I know it's supposed to establish levity/down-to-earthness/whatever but it doesn't. No matter how you slice it, shitting in your pants isn't charming and I know for damn sure, Tom wouldn't have told her about it. Who would?
You're not the first to hate this. Some have actually really liked it. It is a major chunk of dialogue and not charming at all, but I thought I did manage to make Tom seem genuine. He just couldn't hurt her feelings and let her sit there.
Also, it feels like a cheap device to have the father say something like this. Is he a Nazi or something? WTF? I don't buy it.
I can see a dissaproving father getting drunk at their wedding reception and bloating out something like that. Trust me, I've worked almost 200 weddings as a DJ and seen some nasty family business go down. Even had to take the mic away a few times.
Gonna stick with it, though. We did have a sheep lady in the neighboring town that everyone here knew of. She was no witch. Just an eccentric old woman who loved sheep.
You're really stingy with your descriptions of the witch. I think this is a mistake. You don't need much but give us something to get under our skin.
I describe the sheep lady way too late, but that's the way I saw it on film. I need to write it better that you never actually see any of her features until the showdown in the ICU. She's really just a silhouette until then. It is a fault on me.
The backstory of the witch isn't particularly interesting and you don't seem to be particularly interested in it either. You even say she's supposed to be pure evil. I'm only inferring this but indeed, your bad guy really seems to have been glossed over.
First I've heard of this. the witch is the sheep lady in her other worldly form. Passed over. I thought the legend of the sheep lady was a good one and most felt it was nice and creepy. About her life before, I do skim over that because I go on way too long in that scene between jane and Safiyah as it is.
What also seems to have been glossed over is Jane's relationship with her parents. It's brought up twice, as far as I can tell. When it's brought up, it's with an appropriate amount of attention. I don't think it was your intention to downplay it but it is downplayed. As it seems to be a significant part of the story, I'd try to develop it further. The suicide element could be developed further as well.
was trying to show that Jane didn't have much outside of Tom and Sammy. They are her world. Trying to build the believability of her committing suicide. She's got nothing left. She's excommunicated her parents.
The impression I got was that you tried too hard to make them relatable. If you added more flaws and idiosyncrasies to them, it'd help remedy the issue.
I was. Maybe I tried to hard, but I wanted real people with real life problems. I hoped that would up the tension when they're put into harms way.
Absolutely. I'm not gonna jump into a rewrite on this right away. Just gonna let it settle a bit, maybe work on something else and then come back to it with a fresh mind and all these notes I've gotten on it. Just about everyone has said there's something really good in here, I just need to dig it out.
Thanks again, If I can return the favor, just PM me. Don't think I've ever read one of your features. I'd like to...
Absolutely. I'm not gonna jump into a rewrite on this right away. Just gonna let it settle a bit, maybe work on something else and then come back to it with a fresh mind and all these notes I've gotten on it. Just about everyone has said there's something really good in here, I just need to dig it out.
Hey James,
Sorry this one took so long to come around in my queue. Are you in rewrites on this or are you still marinating? Let me know if another read will help the cause out right now.
Regards, E.D.
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Sorry this one took so long to come around in my queue. Are you in rewrites on this or are you still marinating? Let me know if another read will help the cause out right now.
Regards, E.D.
Hey Brett,
I am not in rewrite mode for this, yet. Of course we all love reads, but I'm pretty confident the glaring problems have already been made aware to me by the other readers. Problem is, It would be a pretty hefty rewrite. Something I wasn't looking forward to and was hoping to avoid.
So, a look is always appreciated, but I'll bet your comments will probably fall in line with what everyone else had to say. If you give it a look, I'll re-visit Clone Wife for ya since you've re-written it. Or I could take a stab at ZP. up to you?
Two months later, I'm finally cracking this one open. I'm a tad ashamed of coming to the party so late. Better whip up some good thoughts for you then!
As to a return read, I'll take a rain check. ZP & CW will see rewrites this summer. And the new one, I can't post here.
I'm not going to read previous notes. I'll shy away from proofreading and format snafus, unless glaringly overt.
P. 6 I got very lost with the POV of the Damned thing. The V.O. was a bit foggy for me, which the POV deal exacerbated. Is the Damned the Buxton Man?
P. 11 By now is a good point to reflect on the opening pages... I'm told that Jane is our protag via V.O., but I don't feel that yet. She doesn't command that presence yet on the page for me.
Steamboat was cool, but if all that detail doesn't pay off later... Expect a wrist slap. There was lots of details in that scene. I don't feel that needed to be seven pages long. Unless we'll be revisiting that dilemma later in the script.
Same goes for the house hunting stuff. Seen lots of it in scripts. Did it need to be four pages? We got protag intro. Family intro. Corporation data on the builders. The well. And that's was about it. I'd like to know what Jane likes about the house so much.
I'm a little vague on the witchcraft element. Again, I'm, getting through V.O., very little on screen. Strange light sources and skeletal hands I think is all so far. So, all that leads me to being unsure what kind of story I'm reading. Is it ghosts? Feels uber Poltergiestery right now. Feels like a supernatural drama to me.
P. 15 The Sheriff's dialogue... "Fancy DNA"? That's way too rube for my modern day tastes. I find small town folk overloaded with reality show/narrative drama data. It might be good character color that he's OVER informed about those shows. No one in law enforcement thinks DNA is fancy. Forensic science is the standard.
And the typo thing... SHERRIF needs to be SHERIFF.
P. 16 The James/Colston exchange left me pretty perplexed. Seems we started with a little girl, then moved onto a dead guy in prison. And the bigot racist comment tripped my exposition alarm. Seems these two know each other well enough that the words were only for the reader.
P. 17 Alexa... the goth that wiggles. Curious first impression. Teen goth archetypes are typically much less animated. I like that it stood out against type. Let's see where it goes...
P. 19 I thought public schools/teachers had a strict code about religion in the classroom? Seems odd she'd let herself get drawn into a philosophical discussion roll call.
I'm stopping at page 20 today, one fifth done. My single biggest note is... this script needs CONFLICT.
Outside of the steamboat opener... there's only one sliver of character conflict. The classroom scenes plays out a familiar, but still effective conflict. And that's the scene that kept me reading. Even the sheriff scene felt monotone, he took away the paper, the coroner just fretted.
Your protag's had zero conflict until this classroom... Things are peachy with the hubbie. New home rocks. No strain/stress with the ill kid. Nothing in the way of personality flaws. No adversary to speak of. I'm having a hard time getting invested in plain Jane.
The pages read pretty well. But I'm starving for some momentum. I'll continue as my work schedule allows. Hope this helps.
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
I've already fixed all the typos and changed a few things, but not much. It will pretty much takeoff where you left it.
I ditched the POV OF THE DAMNED thing. Fixed the Sheriffs. Many more you will run into along your read if you read the old draft. I host the script myself and update it, but this link here seems to always pull up the old draft. I don't know why.
Two major things you've hit on already, is that the Paddle Boat doesn't play enough into the story. It takes up seven pages as you've mentioned. All it establishes is Walter being there and what happens to certain people when they die.
The other is that this starts too slow. I like the slow start because I try to develop real people with real problems that one can relate too. But i guess this is way too slow. The script doesn't start to take off until about page 40 roughly.
Anyways, thanks for the notes so far. You don't have to continue reading. I appreciate it, though.
Thanks for the link to the latest draft. I'll pick up on page 20 of that one and continue this morning...
P. 22 Haunted house exposition. The ghost witch info coming from a new character we just met. I'd likely get more invested in Jane if she discovered odd clues pointing to this. It's a bit frustrating to keep being told these things and not experience them.
P. 29 Mark has a beer or three... Seven pages of talking drinking heads is way too much IMO. Again, there's a lot of conflict discussed, but none of it plays out in the room. That's talking heads, bro. And not one peep about the sheep lady. Nothing spooky in the house interrupts their chat.
P. 34 Sheep Lady back story. All that data coming from a new character didn't hold my interest. I'd rather someone gave Jane a clue and she investigated herself. Talk to teachers, they usually have roots where they work. If I was discovering facts with Jane while she poked around, I'd be more invested.
P. 36 Putting on a producer hat for a moment... You may want to reconsider the well being a plot point. Folks may eye roll at that since it's close to The Ring series. Perhaps something more sheep/farm related would work better.
P. 36 Try to find ways to connect Jane to the house more. She's so removed from the story, bring her in. For example...
When Tom breaks the seal on the well... Jane gets a bad vibe wherever she is, same time. Like someone just walked over her grave or something. Making those kind of connections keeps folks reading IMO.
P. 41 Why the meteorologist? Just show us the weather conditions. Don't tell us what's coming, let our imaginations take hold. An ominous storm is coming. Watch the dark clouds close in. A little unexplained spookiness would help things along.
Finished for today. My note about the lack of conflict still holds true.
I want to know what is it about Jane that makes her the one to stop the sheep lady? What flaw does Jane have that will put her in the line of fire? I can't pick out any flaws of your protag family yet. And it's those flaws... over emotional, cocky, selfish, clingy, etc. Those are all the little ways we create potential connections with readers.
Hope this helps. I'll continue the script as work allows.
Regards, E.D.
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Picking up from page 41 today. This is where you told me you felt the story really kicked into gear. So let's check it out!
P. 46 Was disappointed to see Safiyah so casual about Bee's hysterics. I thought Safiyah was down with the supernatural mojo. Big storm brewing. Bee acting out. No spidey sense tingle for Safiyah? While on the phone... a unseen supernatural force creeps up on Bee... Safiyah gets a flash lightning vision of something evil perhaps? Stuff like that is classic tension building. But I don't feel any of that urgency here.
P. 47 Action description typo... A flicker of light reveal...
P. 48 Dig the cell phone imagery/witch reveal.
P. 50 Sammy saying he's probably going to die... Sounds like an adult to me, not something a kid would say. I'd more likely buy a scared kid asking a parent if they were going to die.
P. 52 Doesn't make much sense to me that Safiyah tries to convince the Sheriff to act. What's he going to do? He can't evict the Phillips. Safiyah believes that family needs supernatural help, not law enforcement.
However, I could see Safiyah furious at the Phillips. Let's say... She believes that the new family has brought the sheep lady back. She would confront Jane to expose her as a witch. Only to find out that Jane's innocent. That's the kind of common ground two strangers use to team up. That's conflict resulting in cooperation. Personally, I like that better than telling the sheriff what to do.
P. 55 Burning a half page on a 911 call seems superfluous. Show Jane starting the call then cut to Tom investigating. He gets the willies. Jane scares him when she informs him the cops are coming. Feel like we need more jolts on the page.
P. 56 Pretty sure it's standard procedure for 911 operators to get victims to flee the house. They don't need a sheriff to tell them that if a B & E is in progress.
P. 60 How does Safiyah know that Tom's a goner? It's stuff like that I can;t puzzle out that diffuses the scene's tension. Same with the sheriff's reaction to the head... Who's down there isn't my first thought when I see a decapitated head.
Finished for today... Things have picked up and there's some good tension... Despite the aforementioned pitfalls, it's good stuff.
However, I wish we got more story along with the scares. Origin clues sprinkled amongst the jolts would make you tale more addictive.
Hope this helps. I'll continue as my work schedule allows.
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
Thanks for the continued read and suggestions. Being my first feature, I did make a good deal of mistakes by not kicking this off faster. I like your suggestions about maybe having Jane connected to that house in some ways and having her investigate the sheep lady on her own.
Since I start this with a seven page scene, one that many have thought was unescessary, I kinda force the sheep lady into conversation by Mark. Surprised you didn't like much of those pages between Mark, Jane and Tom. Some did. Anyway, that was me trying to speed things up.
I realize now that I don't spend enough Time with Jane early on and it is an amateur's mistake. This whole script was really built to set up the climax, but it stumbles along the way.
Many people liked this better up until the carnage started and then I lost them a little. Some were just like you. Boring forty pages with exception to the paddle boat scene.
Anyways, thanks for the notes on this. Very insightful stuff for me to ponder when I think about the dreaded act of rewriting this. Hope you can continue on and remember, I'm here if i can return the favor...
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