All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Willowick by James Williams (jwent6688 ) - Horror - Shortly after moving into an old house in small town Ohio, a family learns the legend of an old woman who used to live there that everyone thought was a witch. This story prompts them to renovate their basement, but, in the process, they unleash the old woman's soul that has been imprisoned there for decades.... 99 pages - pdf, format
Also, thanks to Bert and Jonnyboy who read the opening of this... Like, two years ago. Ask me to write a five pager in 48 hrs and I'll knock one out. Let me write for myself and I'm a lazy bastard.
My two New Year's resolutions were to quit smoking and finish my first feature, one out of two ain't bad.
I asked Don to keep this from the Unproduced homepage for now. We're gonna shoot a trailer for it this spring. Unfortunately, there isn't much to shoot here in Willowick in the winter.
Purposely held off on reading some of the vets' features for this. Consider it a review exchange if ya like. This is big budget horror. Gonna have to get creative with the marketing here to get it any attention from the studios who could make it.
Again, Been working on this for three years. Mostly it just sat on my PC and I never touched it. Eitherway, my opinion of it is so jaded I don't even know if its any good. Thanks in advance for any who give it a read.
Hey Cleveland, as promised, I jumped on your script as soon as I saw it and gave it a read. I did not take detailed notes and did not do any editing whatsoever, but I will tell you that you definitely need to give this a few more reads and do some editing, as there are numerous mistakes and typos around.
The way I did this was to read approximately 30 pages at a time and then write down my thoughts and notes, so understand that nothing was written down until I stopped reading each segment. Otherwise, there’s just no way I can stop myself from bringing up most of the mistakes I see, and I’ve found that people really don’t want to know about exact mistakes, so I decided not to waste my time doing it any longer. Pages 1 – 29
WRITING
First of all, the good news is that not only am I still reading, but I never thought about stopping. You know this is far from the usual situation with me, so take that as a pat on the back.
Although I think there are many flaws to your writing and writing style, it does have a certain something going for it…a cinematic feel, I’ll call it, and that is a compliment.
You have a tendency to use way more periods than you should, and because of that your writing tends to read slower than it should. I’m referring to your choice to omit your subject from many “sentences” (in reality, they’re fragments) that you could (and should) simply combine to the prior sentence, using a comma. IMO, this makes the read more fluid and actually quicker and easier. Try it in a few places and see if you agree or not.
I also find there to be lots of awkward lines, and/or phrasings, but some of that is due to the above issue. Other reasons for the awkwardness is word choices, sentence structure, and even use of unnecessary words or phrases. Don’t get me wrong, the writing is far from bad, but there are many places you can make this look and read much better.
You also have a tendency to alter your voice a bit and go in and out of passive and active writing. It ain’t a big deal, but when it happens, it does stand out. Just something to think about and look for.
Some orphans running around that could be easily done away with, but less than 1 per page, so no big deal.
Biggest writing issue to me is your Slug use. IMO, there are numerous problems and inconsistencies that you should look at and clean up. Some downright make no sense, while others are personal choices you’re making. I’m sure some are merely oversights on your part. If I were you, though, I would give it serious consideration and look at every one of them very closely and I bet you’ll see what I’m talking about.
STORY
As I said, I’m still reading, so you’ve done better than 90% of the scripts I attempt to read.
IMO, your intro is too long and also a bit unclear at times (the POV thing of “The Damned” is a perfect example). It’s a huge expense and at this point, I don’t know if it’s justified or even makes sense. It is an interesting opening, however, so we’ll see how it ties in.
I think it could be an issue with all the V.O. from Sariyah (interesting name, BTW – I did look it up and see its meaning, which is cool and shows an attention to detail from the writer I rarely ever see), as I don’t know if a viewing audience would have any clue who’s speaking, as through 30 pages, Sariyah has only had like 3 lines, I think. Again, I will say that it is intriguing, though, so we’ll see where it goes.
Through 29 pages, IMO, everything is a tad long and overwritten as well as “overshown”, meaning, I don’t think you need as much of each scene as your showing. I mean, we’re just now about to find out what this backstory/ghost story is, and IMO, it’s a bit late at Page 30. I’d recommend cutting this back at least 7 or 8 pages (and that actually could be cutting the intro WAY back, as well as some dialogue here and there). Again, let’s see how it plays out from here and I’ll have a better feel for what I’m saying.
Lots of characters so far, probably too many, but there are definitely some likable ones, and that’s always very important. In the same breath, IMO, there seems to be too many storylines taking place at once, and I’m having trouble keeping up and/or figuring out if they’re all necessary or needed. We’ll see as I continue.
I do like the main story line going on and am interested in finding out where it’s going to go and how it’s going to get there.
I want to add something that I’m having trouble with, and it’s a believability issue. I know I look at this sort of stuff differently than all others, but IMO, it’s important, so here goes…
Jane is 26 and Tom is 31. Their son, Sammy is 7, meaning Jane was 19 when he was born, and most likely did not go to college, yet she’s a teacher now. No big deal, but here’s the real issue – they just moved from somewhere (which is expensive – I should know, as my ass has been moving around the country like a madman), Tom doesn’t work, teachers don’t make much money, Sammy has a serious medical condition, which is expensive even with great medical benefits, and they’re buying a 3 story house that’s the biggest in the neighborhood. This doesn’t make much sense to me and is a serious sticking point for me in buying what I’m being fed.
I’m also having difficulty believing the instant relationship between Mark and Tom, as there is a wide age gap and no reason for them to bond the way they do. Maybe more importantly, here’s a single scene that runs 9 pages and we haven’t even gotten into the ghost story he needs to tell. Yes, it does provide characterization and it’s done well, but IMO, it’s just too drawn out and we’re badly in need of some horror, IMO.
Final notes on the first segment – pretty good. Has a cinematic quality to it. Interesting, likable characters. Too slow and too drawn out, with too long dialogue exchanges on a general basis, IMO. Tough to keep track of all the different characters and potential story lines. This 2nd segment will be very important to see how these characters and storylines are tied together and if we can get things going and ramp up some horror.
Jeff knows i'm hammered today. Very happy with his review so far. Hope you finish to, Stevie. It's honestly the best I can write on my own. Am at bowling alley. Will address Jeff's points tomorrow. Cheers!
OK, so one thing I didn’t mention in the first portion, was that I could feel a very solid and familiar structure going on and it seemed pretty clear where this was going to go and how it was going to get there. And the interesting thing is that this could be a good or bad thing, depending on how you look at it, as well as how it all plays out. It’s the old double edged sword.
But, I have to tell you, the script has taken an unexpected turn, and this is also a double edged sword. Where I sit now, I have to be honest and tell you I think there is a major flaw in the structure (and you know me and how I feel about predetermined structure), but I can’t be sure until I get all the way done.
James, I also have to tell you in all honesty that your writing in this middle section is not as strong as it was in the beginning. I’m talking about the technical writing itself, as well as the story writing, description, and where we’ve gone and how we’ve gotten here.
Many times, I’ve been very confused on where we were and what exactly was going on. I’m pretty sure there are some mistakes. I actually jotted down the following, as I didn’t want to forget what page it occurred on.
Page 43/44 – Sariyah is mentioned here – is that a mistake, as she hasn’t been in the scene. This entire scene is confusing as written…probably a mistake in here. Actually, up to Page 49 – problems, IMO. Unclear altogether. The writing is much weaker here than I’ve seen so far. Even the actual events and “story” are lacking here, IMO.
STORY
I am extremely unclear what this “POV OF THE DAMNED” is all about. Not only is it unclear on paper, I would imagine that in a filmed version, it would be even more unclear, leaving your audience saying “What the fuck’s going on?”.
I also think it’s a mistake how you intro’d “the witch”, as well as calling her “the witch”. It came out of left field at first, but the 2nd time I saw it, I felt like I really didn’t know what it was or really why it’s here. I’m not sure if you ever CAPPED her first intro, either.
There are a vast number of storylines and plot points going on and at this point, I would say it feels a bit jumbled, or just too many things going on at once that don’t feel connected, but again, maybe you’re going to tie them all up neatly in the final third…we’ll see.
I see you’re veering off course here and are opening up a mystery type back story that you’re (hopefully) slowly dropping clues to us, on what happened to the sheep lady and who was involved with her demise and why. I’ve seen several horror movies that work this way and it can work, but at this point, it’s hard to say, as I’m very confused now with how much is going on. So, again, I’ll say, we’ll see how it plays out and where it goes.
I think a basic problem, as I said earlier, is the amount of characters and the fact that many (possibly) aren’t necessary. Was James intro’d earlier? If so, I completely forgot about him, as it had to be at least 30 pages since we first saw him, so his demise wasn’t something that I was truly engaged in (unlike Tom, who I was rooting for and assuming would come out of it alive. Other characters would be the 15 year old chicks intro’d 50 or so pages ago, who haven’t surfaced since. And then, there’s Mark, who had a very long scene at the end of the first section, told the backstory, and now has gone AWOL since. IMO, these lapses or disappearances are a problem, and also a potential to lose, if they don’t resurface at some point soon.
So, for this middle section, I am very surprised you killed off a character who seemed to be one of your main Protags, which is both good and bad, depending on where we go. I’m also surprised at the direction we’ve turned, which is both good and bad. On the negative side, though, this section needs some attention in terms of the actual writing, your descriptions, your scene setups, and scene choices in general.
One important quick note before I forget – you need to do a search for “passed” – the majority of the time, it should be “past”. Make the corrections throughout the entire script.
Page 89 – Check this out – “The witch” 4 times in a row, all right on top of each other. You need to change this up here, as it looks really bad.
Also, dude, clean up the last 2 blank pages of the PDF – you can’t be excused for that.
OK, on to the final 33 pages…
First and foremost, I was very confused throughout these pages and had to continuously reread passages and entire scenes. When it was all said and done, I was also left unsure of what actually happened, why, and what your intent was.
I’m all for ambiguity when it’s the writers or directors aim, but I don’t think that’s what you were after here. If I’m incorrect, I apologize, but I just have this feeling that you didn’t get down on paper exactly what you were after here.
The motivations of “the witch” (which I strongly recommend you rename and rethink) didn’t make sense to me, nor did I understand…at all. And I think that’s a big flaw here as we need to understand our Antag’s situation and motivation, if not throughout the script/movie, at least by the end.
I also had literally no clue what “The Damned” was or had to do with anything here. In a filmed version, no one would have a clue what these POV’s were, where they were coming from, or what they meant.
I am clueless as to how the witch was destroyed…or why. The spider stuff came completely out of left field and I don’t get it (or like it, being arachnophobic, myself).
The final end teaser was also lost on me with Alexa, as to when this was, where she was, what she was doing, or what she found. Maybe I missed something along the way, but it didn’t work for me and left me thinking WTF?
As I said in the middle feedback, IMO, your description writing was lacking again, and maybe this is why I was left so confused. I don’t know, but there were some definite cool scenes (like in the hospital with the witch doing cool shit) that you just didn’t deliver on, and I have to blame the writing.
On a semi-positive note, I can and have seen many movies like this in which I wanted to like it, but just felt like a lot was missing, a lot didn’t make any sense, and a lot should have/could have been done so much better. And, I actually want you to understand that this comment is actually a compliment. Like I said early on, your writing does show a cinematic touch, but it’s not written visually enough (for me) and the end product just didn’t seem to jive together or make a whole lot of sense.
OK, some detailed comments that hopefully will make sense and help.
I see the effort behind this and it shows, and that is a compliment. There is attention to detail and I bet the story is much clearer in your head than it comes across on the page.
IMO, there are way too many unrelated things going on that both detract from the final product and also make it hard to follow and become engrossed in. There seems to be quite a deep back story here that didn’t make it to the final script. If I watched this movie, I would bet that a bunch of important scenes remained on the cutting room floor and should not have been cut out.
On the same note, IMO, there are way too many unnecessary characters intro’d who have major screen time, but aren’t important and/or completely disappear and have no bearing on anything other than the time we spent with them. I think you need to cut a lot of them and focus more on what’s important here.
The intro proved to be completely unnecessary to me and I still don’t get its relevance at all. First of all, I’m confused as to what this ship was even doing or who the passengers were, where they were coming from, or where they were going. I have no idea how this played into the story of the witch. IMO, your intro should focus on Yalda and set your tone and back story right up front, because as it is now, we never really get much of her story, and to me, that’s a big issue.
The structure was also an issue and again, you know me and my feelings about structure and lack of standard structure. This just didn’t work for me as written and had an odd meandering back and forth feel that never really seemed to gel, and I blame the strange structure for that. It may come down to motivations, it may come down to who your real Protag(s) are, but I couldn’t quite figure it out and a lot of that has to do with how much things jumped around.
A final comment for you and others who will be reading this. People think I go out of my way to shoot scripts, writing, and people down. Others may think I play favorites by being “nicer” to certain people. I may come off as more subjective and nicer to certain writers, but that’s merely because I feel certain writers deserve more than others, but I don’t play favorites, I don’t pull punches, and I do give my honest opinions that are always meant to help, not put down or hurt. As a writer, I think you’ve come a long way and I think you do have something that shows talent and thought here, but as it sits now, I think it needs a lot of work and much more thought.
I could actually easily see how someone would want to turn this into a movie, as it has a different vibe, has some potentially cool scenes, good characters, and some twists most scripts don’t have. But, if it is turned into a film, in anywhere near its present state, I don’t see how it would work on film, and IMO, it is the writer’s job to provide a script that covers all the bases, dots all the I’s, and crosses all the T’s.
Hopefully you get lots of good feedback here that will give you some ideas on where you want to take this and how you want to change it. These are merely my personal opinions and as always, I recommend the writer take what makes sense and discount what doesn’t.
For your first effort at a feature, I think this shows promise, talent, and skill, but also is in need of lots of work, in terms of both story and actual writing. But, James, my man, you’ve definitely done 1 thing, and that’s prove to everyone that you are more than capable of writing a feature, so I give you all the credit in the world here, man. I really do.
Hope this helps and makes sense and doesn’t come off as harsh or assholish. Take care and let me know if I can help any further.
This script appeared right on schedule. Finished it, and it was a pretty quick read. Kept notes as I went along. So here we go:
The opening scene was written quite vividly, but it did go on a bit long. At seven pages, I just don't think had enough impact on the overall story to justify its length. I thought you were going to somehow weave this paddleboat tragedy into the main storyline, but that never really happened.
On p 5, "Leisure suit" I might be wrong on the history of this term, but I always thought that was a 1970's fashion thing. Everytime I read it, i kept picturing a dude decked out in polyester.
I couldn't grasp what you were going for with this "POV of the Damned" You use it several times throughout the script, but i never got how it tied into the story. As I understand it, it's the view of earthbound spirits who are damned to walk the earth?
On p 7, after LATER, you say a hundred bodies "occupy it", but you never specify what it is. I assumed you meant mass grave, but you want to clarify that.
I'm not a fan of excessive VOs and these narrations from Safiyah are a bit much. I don't think you need them.
That sounds like a hell of a house for a family in this kind of financial situation. Maybe if Jane came from a wealthy family that might explain it. Also, I wanted to know what the location of the house was in reference to the location of the paddleboat tragedy.
P 9 "loan" lightbulb should be lone.
You misspell Sheriff Colston's character slug as "Sherrif Colston" throughout the script.
The sudden appearance of Walter was interesting, because it happens so matter-of-factly. It was at this point that I assumed this was going to be a haunted house tale because you established all the classic elements. Creepy past of the house. Creepy well in the basement. Creepy ghost kid hangin around. Check, check and check. But, then you intro Safiyah and Bee(Aunt Bee, lol), James the coroner and Alexa Miller. So, I wasn't sure whose story this was at this point.
IMO, this is where the story began to lose its focus and concentration of suspense and tension. There were too many threads pulling the story in different directions. The classroom scene alone lasts from pages 16-20 and in the end, had no effect on the story at all and you never used any of those characters you intro'd, except for Alexa at the very end.
p 20 "effects" should be affects
It felt like Mark should have appeared much sooner, and that the sheep lady should have been the engine driving this story forward. But he comes in kinda late and that scene lasts for 12 pages. Mark just seems too "convenient" because he shows up, tells us the entire story of the sheep lady and we pretty much never see him again. There has to be a more creative, cinematic and compact way of getting this crucial backstory into the narrative.
p 29 "peaked" should be piqued.
Since Tom breaking the slab is what releases the witch, I think that needs to happen much sooner. I think that should be the event that sets things in motion here.
Now, of all the different characters and subplots you have here, I found the family and their experiences in the house by far to be the most interesting. So, when you start to change the scenes back to Safiyah and Aunt bee, I found my interest slipping. But, it was a very cool and visceral shock when they discover Aunt Bee dead with the bible shoved down her throat.
p42 "spicket" should be spigot
p 43 Is it Safiyah or Bee that pulls the plug? Safiyah just sort of materializes there.
I've seen baby monitors used so often in horror movies that I think they've become cringe-worthy. I'd dump that scene.
Tom's death is intense and I was surprised you offed of your main characters. But I liked it because it was unexpected.
p 59 "passed" should be past
Also on 59, when Safiyah says "Sam, Sam", is she talking to the Sheriff or to Sammy? That confused me.
No reaction from Colston when he sees Tom's head bounce on the stairway landing?
James is back in the story, but its been so long I kinda forgot who he was. Not sure how all that exhumation stuff he talked about earlier plays into the story at hand. With Angie's death, i think it would have worked better if we saw the lights flicker in the bar first, then go out. But, overall James felt like a disposable character who you didn't really need.
What happened to the SWAT raid at dawn? We went from the house to the hospital, but then we wind up at the cemetery for Tom's funeral? Definitely felt like a missing scene there.
I did like some parts of the final showdown with the witch at the hospital, although I wish you explained her sudden appearance in the hallway more. I also liked how Jane gave up her life to save her son. Although, the logic got a little fuzzy for me. I know it comes back to this POV of the damned and how the spider creatures drag off Jane and sheep lady to hell. But, since she killed herself for a higher purpose, would Jane really go to hell?
Get rid of those blank pages at the end.
Safiyah's VOs get excessive at the end again. It felt like you used her to wrap up every loose end. And then, I had to look back and remember who Alexa Miller was because it had been so long since I last saw her. I didn't get the last scene. I think I would have preferred just ending on Sammy alive in the hospital with his mother's heart in him.
I liked parts of this, but my interest sort of ebbed and flowed depending on who was in the scene. It felt to me like you had the classic setup for a haunted house tale, but wanted to tell a more expansive story that included people from all over Willowick. But there were too many incongruous elements for me. The paddleboat scene at the beginning hardly played any factor, with the exception of Walter's presence, and it didn't have anything to do with the sheep lady. The main story should have been this family versus the sheep lady, but there were too many detours on that main storyline.
I kept thinking of Amityville Horror(original) with your setup. Young family moves into old house(more house than they could afford), and wind up battling a powerful, entrenched enemy within the very walls. Sure, that flick had plenty of cheesy scenes, but it kept the focus on the family versus the demon. Every scene set up the next one. There are peripheral characters like the priest, but they are kept to a minimum. I think Willowick could benefit from this kind of focus and intensity.
I think this script has real potential and with a rewrite, could get very intense and frightening. Good luck shooting the trailer.
I had a free moment at work today and thought I'd give your script a read. First off, congrats on finishing a feature!!
I will comment as I go. My first thought after reading the log line though is that the story doesn't sound very fresh. Sounds like something we've seen many times before. Hopefully you put a fresh spin on it.
Page 1. Just curious if turpentine was used on steamboats back then? I have no idea, that's why I'm asking. It just seems like an odd thing to have in the cargo hold. Maybe odd is the wrong word, maybe convenient is better.
Page 4. Good going so far. You got my interest for sure. ” The drum of turpentine blisters its paint”. To me that line reads awkward. Maybe that's just me.
I am curious why you write aerial shot. Why not just write EXT. STEAMBOAT - NIGHT? I'm sure if this went into production that they would use aerial shots it just seems odd for the writer to dictate the shots.
Page 5. Fro? Is that really the word you want to use here?
You're being very specific with the 7 feet of water.
Page 6. I like the POV of the damned, but I had a hard time at 1st picture ” him”. I was wondering who the heck he was. Still creepy and good though.
Page 7.” At least 100 dirty bodies occupy it”. It what? And a priest stands at the opening! Opening of what?
Page 8. This is just my opinion of course, but I think you're better off describing the house as Victorian for example rather than telling us it's three stories and is plain blue with scarlet shutters.
Page 9. Lone, not loan.
Page 10. I noticed that Jane and Tom both say heck. Nothing wrong with that per se, but it does make them sound like when they talk.
So they decided to buy the house after just seeing the foyer, laundry room and the basement? Now that seems a little strange don't you think? If I were you, I would rework that slightly. At least show them the kitchen or the bedroom. Something more important than the laundry room.
Page 11. Again, not saying there's necessarily anything wrong with it, but Sammy is 7 Jane is 26. That means she got pregnant when she was 18. Nothing wrong with it, but personally I would probably make Jane a couple of years older.
So far in this exterior scene we have had Jane and Sammy interacting. There has been no mentioning of Tom yet all of a sudden he nods. In my opinion whenever you start a new scene we should know who is in it and what they are doing. Otherwise it reads really weird when we suddenly find out that they were there the whole time we just didn't know about it.
I have to be honest here, I'm sure that there will be a reason why Sammy has some sort of medical issue, however, it also feels cliché.
Page 12. She has a small pad of paper hanging around her neck? Seems odd.
Page 13. I wish you would let us know what Walter looks like now. Does he look exactly the same as he did on the boat? Is he wearing the same old clothes from back then? Or does he looked pale and his clothes torn?
I am on page 20 now. So far, I like it. I will continue to read tomorrow. Right now, I'm thinking Jane is supposed to be our ” hero”. Tom hasn't really been in the picture much, but Sammy has. So in my opinion it's not 100% clear who our hero is. Which could be a problem. Being 20 pages into the script we should also by now kind of know who the antagonist is. And I'm not sure about that yet. Somehow, Walter does not seem to be it. Of course the beginning of the script is At a different time. So the story at present time is really just 10 pages or so. In other words, it might be okay the way it is right now.
I've seen this floating at or near the top of the portal the last few days I intend on being around -- I'm at a republican straw poll convention now, waitin to hear from Cynthia Davis, but I cracked it open and read the 1st 10 pages.
I want to finish reading at a more stable, comfortable environment -- but in the meantime:
I see you have a tendency to overwrite a bit. Tons of "the's" and other filler words litter and otherwise clean, efficient read.
Try something like the below suggestion for your opening scene. It cuts out 2 "the's".
"the moon ripples atop disturbed waters - a two story peddle steamer cuts through its reflection."
I see,no problem with your pov, other than how it's worded. I understand exactly what your going for and how "i" could visualize it.
I suggest you write it as such, tho:
POV OF THE DAMNED
Skewed, out of focus - no moon, everything void of color, detail and pattern.
That takes care of the 2 dreaded "is" words. It also suggests more than forces.
Anyways, 10 in and it's hitting on the right circuits for interest... Things are taking shape and moving along at a decent pace. I'm gonna try and finish it when I get home later.
Huge thanks for reading this so quickly and the helpful comments. Gonna respond to your individual comments next, but two points you both agree on I'm going to try to address.
The opening scene is kind of a stretch, but I try to establish ground rules for this story with it. Main one being that evil spirits dont get to stay and whatever comes for them does so right quick. I wanted to show it and not tell it. Obviously, I establish Walter with it who offers Sammy some insight into the next world. I also try to use it as a reason for Safiyah's and Bee's mother to bring them here. She wanted to help these lost souls find their way home and this place has more than its fair share.
It wouldn't surprise me if a production company looked at this, I would have to change the opening. It would cost a small fortune. The last reason I used it was to pay homage to those who died on that ship. Out of 320, 286 died. Only one woman made it to shore, no children made it at all. Third worst disaster in Great Lakes history. Saddest part, the manifest burned up on the ship. Nobody ever knew who was on it. So these people traveling to America simply vanished, there families back home, mostly Europe, never found out what happened to their loved ones.
They built an amusement park on the beach in the early 1900s. Kids playing in the sand would often dig up human remains. Obviously now, erosion has claimed the graves.
Again, I knew I was trying to hard to make this about the town as well the Phillips' and the Sheep Lady.
This POV OF THE DAMNED may have been a misfire. Bert suggested I add one for the Man in the Buxton hat. Since he's hell-bound he doesn't see the light that everyone else does. I don't know how else to establish that.
SPOILERS Then I have to use it again for the Witch's POV. It's essential when she goes to kill James that she hears something coming closer. Something waiting to take his soul the second he dies. Something she's afraid of. James doesn't hear the whispers, only the witch does.
Then for the final battle between the witch and Jane. Once Jane enters the realm where the sheep lady is, She see's the sheep lady for who she is. No longer a monster, just an old woman who cheated death.
If there's a better way to do it, I'm open for suggestions. That fact that it confused both of you is a major concern for me. okay, heading off to respond to some more specific comments...
Hey Cleveland, as promised, I jumped on your script as soon as I saw it and gave it a read. I did not take detailed notes and did not do any editing whatsoever, but I will tell you that you definitely need to give this a few more reads and do some editing, as there are numerous mistakes and typos around.
I'm pretty upset with all of the mistakes that are showing up. My editor in chief, my mother, is officially fired.
Quoted from Dreamscale
You have a tendency to use way more periods than you should, and because of that your writing tends to read slower than it should. I’m referring to your choice to omit your subject from many “sentences” (in reality, they’re fragments) that you could (and should) simply combine to the prior sentence, using a comma. IMO, this makes the read more fluid and actually quicker and easier. Try it in a few places and see if you agree or not.
This is a bad habit I picked up from writing shorts. Sometimes a period works well, but I can see numerous places where a comma would be better. Gonna go back through this. And also just do a Slug scan. I don't always agree with your use, but I want to make sure mine is consistent.
Quoted from Dreamscale
I think it could be an issue with all the V.O. from Sariyah (interesting name, BTW – I did look it up and see its meaning, which is cool and shows an attention to detail from the writer I rarely ever see)
Woops, her name is Safiyah, guess I lose those attention to detail points. Lol
Quoted from Dreamscale
Jane is 26 and Tom is 31. Their son, Sammy is 7, meaning Jane was 19 when he was born, and most likely did not go to college, yet she’s a teacher now. No big deal, but here’s the real issue – they just moved from somewhere (which is expensive – I should know, as my ass has been moving around the country like a madman), Tom doesn’t work, teachers don’t make much money, Sammy has a serious medical condition, which is expensive even with great medical benefits, and they’re buying a 3 story house that’s the biggest in the neighborhood. This doesn’t make much sense to me and is a serious sticking point for me in buying what I’m being fed.
Get your point, Jane does come from money which I try to establish by the size of her parents house at the end. She could still make it through college taking a year off. Gonna make the century home more of a fixer upper. Meant to. Why their painting it when Mark shows up.
Quoted from Dreamscale
Yes, it does provide characterization and it’s done well, but IMO, it’s just too drawn out and we’re badly in need of some horror, IMO.
Always thought you were a fan of a slow start for horror? I try hard to get the audience to like the characters here. I think that just ups the tension when all hell breaks lose. Also, trying to expose a bit of a chracter flaw in Jane. Her mother is an innocent victim in the feud between Jane her father. She's vengeful and stubborn. The kind of woman who will stop at nothing to keep a witch from touching her son...
James, I also have to tell you in all honesty that your writing in this middle section is not as strong as it was in the beginning. I’m talking about the technical writing itself, as well as the story writing, description, and where we’ve gone and how we’ve gotten here.
This was the very first thing I ever wrote. I wrote it in six weeks and tried to post it here. So happy it was over the 500kb limit and I didn't know how to host my own scripts at that point. So I just started writing shorts. There are a lot of scenes, especially in the middle, where I just tried to tidy up the writing. Should've deleted each scene and rewrote it from scratch
Quoted from Dreamscale
I think a basic problem, as I said earlier, is the amount of characters and the fact that many (possibly) aren’t necessary. Was James intro’d earlier? If so, I completely forgot about him, as it had to be at least 30 pages since we first saw him, so his demise wasn’t something that I was truly engaged in (unlike Tom, who I was rooting for and assuming would come out of it alive. Other characters would be the 15 year old chicks intro’d 50 or so pages ago, who haven’t surfaced since. And then, there’s Mark, who had a very long scene at the end of the first section, told the backstory, and now has gone AWOL since. IMO, these lapses or disappearances are a problem, and also a potential to lose, if they don’t resurface at some point soon.
Tried to help you remember James by hanging that Lake County Coroner jacket off the back of his stool. He doctored evidence and got a black man, whom he thought was guilty, convicted of rape. Who then died in prison. This was his evil bidding and why he is hell-bound. Overall, he's just a douche bag.
The girls in the classroom are there to reinforce that ideal that suicide is a mortal sin. Its something essential to this story IMO. Personally, I'm not religious at all. Less and less people are. So I'm trying to set up the climax here
Also, dude, clean up the last 2 blank pages of the PDF – you can’t be excused for that.
Dunno what happened there. Something F'ed up when I converted to pdf.
Quoted from Dreamscale
The motivations of “the witch” (which I strongly recommend you rename and rethink) didn’t make sense to me, nor did I understand…at all.
Gotta disagree here. Thought that was well thought out. Not only was her mother burned at the stake because of her religious beliefs and her grandparents brought her to the states to protect her, she was locked out of her own home in the middle of winter by greedy developers who wanted her land.
Quoted from Dreamscale
I am clueless as to how the witch was destroyed…or why. The spider stuff came completely out of left field and I don’t get it (or like it, being arachnophobic, myself).
Of all your comments, this is by far and away the most concerning. This whole script, sub plots and all, are built to setup this moment. When Jane kills herself, she buys a ticket to hell. She opens the gates, the sheep lady is more or less collateral damage. She got caught up in it and couldn't see it coming. Because, until Jane pulls that trigger, she's a good person in God's eyes. I really don't know how i could've set that up any better.
Quoted from Dreamscale
The final end teaser was also lost on me with Alexa, as to when this was, where she was, what she was doing, or what she found. Maybe I missed something along the way, but it didn’t work for me and left me thinking WTF?
Lexa navigated her way, through the spill way tunnel, to The bottom of the well in Tom and Jane's basement. When the sheep lady committed suicide by jumping into the well, she held onto a package wrapped in plastic. It's the book that Safiyah and her mother searched for. The book the page of three spells came from. The book that enabled the sheep lady to cheat the rules of death. Why nothing came to drag her soul to hell when she died. Meh, having to explain that really sucks. Must've missed my mark...
Hopefully, some of what I explained makes sense to the last part of this post. I did work hard on this. I'm hoping more people will get what I was aiming for and trying to set up this whole time. If not, back to the drawing board and I'm already so sick rewriting this thing and can't wait to jump into something brand new.
You know I admire your honesty and always will. Takes hours for someone to put a review together like that. I am in your debt, for sure. I'm glad you found much to like here. As I always do, will wait to see what the consensus is on this before deciding to go into a heavy rewrite.
The opening scene was written quite vividly, but it did go on a bit long. At seven pages, I just don't think had enough impact on the overall story to justify its length. I thought you were going to somehow weave this paddleboat tragedy into the main storyline, but that never really happened.
Hopefully, my previous explanation sheds some light onto what I was trying to accomplish with it. It probably could get the ax without the story suffering much.
On p 5, "Leisure suit" I might be wrong on the history of this term, but I always thought that was a 1970's fashion thing. Everytime I read it, i kept picturing a dude decked out in polyester.
Yep, looks like it was invented in the 1930s. Scratch that. Bad choice there. Thanks.
Again, the POV OF THE DAMNED thing. Hope I explained it some. All ears for better ideas.
On p 7, after LATER, you say a hundred bodies "occupy it", but you never specify what it is. I assumed you meant mass grave, but you want to clarify that.
I'm not a fan of excessive VOs and these narrations from Safiyah are a bit much. I don't think you need them.
Since I started off on a bit of a tangent, I wanted Safiyah's last lines to help establish Jane as our protag. Cheated the structure a bit and was trying to catch up real quick.
That sounds like a hell of a house for a family in this kind of financial situation. Maybe if Jane came from a wealthy family that might explain it. Also, I wanted to know what the location of the house was in reference to the location of the paddleboat tragedy.
It's far from luxurious. Hoping the owners will let me shoot the outside of it for my trailer. It does stick out like a sore thumb in this neighborhood. If you google the address from the script, you can see it on google maps. Another reason I don't want this script to leave the portal. I may need to change it.
You misspell Sheriff Colston's character slug as "Sherrif Colston" throughout the script.
Downright embarassing there. The first time I misspelled it on the dialogue header, Final Draft saved it for me. Everytime I type in SH the misspelled Sheriff automatically popped up. Can't believe I missed that. Thanks for the other typos btw, i appreciate them. Will tidy up this sucker tonight. nice to host the script yourself. Can fix mistakes when someone points them out.
IMO, this is where the story began to lose its focus and concentration of suspense and tension. There were too many threads pulling the story in different directions. The classroom scene alone lasts from pages 16-20 and in the end, had no effect on the story at all and you never used any of those characters you intro'd, except for Alexa at the very end.
Still feel this way after getting through it? I really wanted to reinforce that suicide is a mortal sin in most of Christianity.
Mark just seems too "convenient" because he shows up, tells us the entire story of the sheep lady and we pretty much never see him again. There has to be a more creative, cinematic and compact way of getting this crucial backstory into the narrative.
Can see your point here. Again, the side track I started with made me hurry things along. Had to stuff someone in there to tell the story quick.
Since Tom breaking the slab is what releases the witch, I think that needs to happen much sooner. I think that should be the event that sets things in motion here.
I looked at it as the turn to Act II. I think this is pretty close to where it should happen. Didn't look at it like an inciting incident that should occur earlier.
Now, of all the different characters and subplots you have here, I found the family and their experiences in the house by far to be the most interesting. So, when you start to change the scenes back to Safiyah and Aunt bee, I found my interest slipping. But, it was a very cool and visceral shock when they discover Aunt Bee dead with the bible shoved down her throat.
Tom's death is intense and I was surprised you offed of your main characters. But I liked it because it was unexpected.
Trying to get the viewer/reader to adopt a hatred for the witch. Sick of people always cheering for horror and horror always winning. Was the main reason I wrote this. I wanted horror to get its ass kicked for once.
Also on 59, when Safiyah says "Sam, Sam", is she talking to the Sheriff or to Sammy? That confused me.
Wanted Sheriff Colston and Safiyah to kind of be on a first name basis. Like they already knew each other. Deciding to give Sheriff Colston the name of "Sam" is a serious wtf moment. Gonna fix that/
James is back in the story, but its been so long I kinda forgot who he was. Not sure how all that exhumation stuff he talked about earlier plays into the story at hand. With Angie's death, i think it would have worked better if we saw the lights flicker in the bar first, then go out. But, overall James felt like a disposable character who you didn't really need.
Was really just trying to exploit the fear the witch had when she went to kill him. She was afraid of what was there, waiting to take his soul. Hope this would be more obvious on film.
What happened to the SWAT raid at dawn? We went from the house to the hospital, but then we wind up at the cemetery for Tom's funeral? Definitely felt like a missing scene there.
I wasn't sure how much that would've added to the story. They basically went in, got Toms body and there was no witch to be found.
But, since she killed herself for a higher purpose, would Jane really go to hell?
I'm not religious, nor will I ever be. I find it funny that priests will talk to inmates on death row who've raped and murdered and tell them.. "So long as you accept Jesus into your heart, ask the lord's forgiveness, There will be a place at God's side for you when you die." I tried not to make this as much about the act of suicide, but the fact that Jane would refuse God's forgiveness...
Thanks again, Ryan. I owe you one. I understand that this story may go off into tangents. Gonna have a go at some viral marketing, though. For now, I'm going to keep the elements of the paddle boat and side plots in it. Pretty sure if the trailer turns out well, and i won't post it if it doesn't, It could go semi-viral pretty quick. Using facebook and other tools, i could have a lot of people scratching their heads pretty quick going, "WTF? They shot a movie in Willowick?"
Tis what I'm aiming for.
All the best, If ever a return read is needed, you've got one....
I had a free moment at work today and thought I'd give your script a read. First off, congrats on finishing a feature!!
Thanks Pia! Yes, I never really admired the determintation it takes to finish a feature. I have a newfound respect for it. Pleasant surprise to see you here. Thanks. I pm'd Jeff and Ryan for a look.
I will comment as I go. My first thought after reading the log line though is that the story doesn't sound very fresh. Sounds like something we've seen many times before. Hopefully you put a fresh spin on it.
Page 1. Just curious if turpentine was used on steamboats back then? I have no idea, that's why I'm asking. It just seems like an odd thing to have in the cargo hold. Maybe odd is the wrong word, maybe convenient is better.
Did a lot of research on this. Reports are sketchy at best. Another theory was that they were transporting a load of matches. Either way, neither of them should've been in the cargo hold of a passenger steamer. Someone was making some extra dough on this trip.
I am curious why you write aerial shot. Why not just write EXT. STEAMBOAT - NIGHT? I'm sure if this went into production that they would use aerial shots it just seems odd for the writer to dictate the shots.
Was trying to give a visual picture of how bad the fire was. This would be up to the director, was just a suggestion
You're being very specific with the 7 feet of water.
Was trying to give a visual. They almost made it. They burned up 200 yards off shore and Lake Erie is the shallowest of the Great Lakes. Most native Americans always traveled the Canadian coast because they knew how shallow and of all the shoals on the American side.
The POV OF THE DAMNED is getting hammered right now.
Page 8. This is just my opinion of course, but I think you're better off describing the house as Victorian for example rather than telling us it's three stories and is plain blue with scarlet shutters.
It looks nothing Victorian IMO. It's a very odd looking house. Will post a pic of it here if I get permission from the owners soon. Gonna try to make friends with them so I can shoot it for a trailer.
So they decided to buy the house after just seeing the foyer, laundry room and the basement? Now that seems a little strange don't you think? If I were you, I would rework that slightly. At least show them the kitchen or the bedroom. Something more important than the laundry room.
Tried to use LATER on a mini slug here. Hoping the audience would get the idea that they gave it a once over.
Page 13. I wish you would let us know what Walter looks like now. Does he look exactly the same as he did on the boat? Is he wearing the same old clothes from back then? Or does he looked pale and his clothes torn?
Good point. He looks exactly the same as when he died. Gonna make that change.
I've seen this floating at or near the top of the portal the last few days I intend on being around -- I'm at a republican straw poll convention now, waitin to hear from Cynthia Davis, but I cracked it open and read the 1st 10 pages.
Thanks for giving it a look, Baltis.
Quoted from Baltis.
I see you have a tendency to overwrite a bit. Tons of "the's" and other filler words litter and otherwise clean, efficient read.
Never been praised for my writing skills. Comes as no surprise.
Quoted from Baltis.
"the moon ripples atop disturbed waters - a two story peddle steamer cuts through its reflection."
Good suggestion, thanks.
Quoted from Baltis.
I see,no problem with your pov, other than how it's worded. I understand exactly what your going for and how "i" could visualize it.
I suggest you write it as such, tho:
POV OF THE DAMNED
Skewed, out of focus - no moon, everything void of color, detail and pattern.
This is going to be a sticking point throughout the script. I don't just use it as a point of view, but to show a different realm. Limbo if you will. The view of people stuck between life, heaven, and hell. Searching for a better way to do this.
Quoted from Baltis.
Anyways, 10 in and it's hitting on the right circuits for interest... Things are taking shape and moving along at a decent pace. I'm gonna try and finish it when I get home later.
Thanks, hope you get through it. Looking forward to see if you and Pia agree on what Jeff and Ryan had to say, if so, I've got a pretty hefty re-write in store for me...
Jeff told me in a PM that he wasn't sure how I could shoot a trailer for this because it is so big budget.
Trying to be crafty here. Can't pitch this to independent film makers. The trailer is really just two pages and you can read it here.
Is a rough draft I wrote a few months ago. My friend's son would make the perfect Sammy. The final scene doesn't actually take place in the script, but I needed something shocking to finish it. Definitely will be a low lighting situation, because the makeup for the witch will be piss poor to say the least. I need this to look good.
Taking a break from writing for a bit to learn my camera better as well as editing. Wish me luck, let me know if you found this intriguing at all for a trailer. Again, it's a very rough draft.
Just started re-reading your script, from page 1 again, about 20 min's ago -- I saw that you posted a link to a script in trailer form and was interested in how you went about doing that.
I've dabbled in trailer work myself using Toon Boom Studio Pro to do small scale stuff with VO and animation. Although I love drawing, animating and all that -- it's just too time consuming for me to fully vest myself into.
Anyways, I really dig the vibe you're going for here with the trailer bit. I'm nowhere near done reading the script, but it's nice to get a visual of the embodiment while I'm reading. It's like seeing a preview for the movie, saying "hey, I wanna go see that" or "hey, that really sucks the donkey."
I decided to take a break from your script on page 30 to read this -- and It really, truly, no bullshit, makes me anxious to keep reading the script.
A few things of note:
Are, should be our on page 1 -- second dialogue chain into it.
Some of your dialogue, I've noticed, is a tad on the nose. The script I'll get into when I fully review it -- the trailer I'll get into now.
For instance:
MELIAH But, she hated to leave the city. She said small towns scare her.
I'd write this:
MELIAH But she hated to leave the city -- said small towns scare her.
Or you could toss a coma in there instead of the (--). Whatever you feel best with.
Also:
MELIAH But small towns... They hide their secrets.
MELIAH And this particular place locked away something evil in an old house a long time ago. They convinced themselves it never existed. But it was only a matter of time... before some poor souls let it out.
I'd try and pepper this one up a bit.
MELIAH But small towns... They tend to hide their secrets.
MELIAH This small town locked away something evil, something sinister long ago. They convinced themselves it never existed, but it was only a matter of time... before it was let out.
or
MELIAH This small town locked away something evil, something sinister long ago. They convinced themselves it never existed, but it was only a matter of time... before it got out.
Nothing too drastic, but certainly more lively. You can keep the poor souls bit, it's good -- but it's more intriguing by saying "IT" opposed to why it was let out. You could also, say "BEFORE IT GOT OUT"... this would imply a double meaning. Either the secret or the entity itself, who are basically one in the same. But for the sake of the trailer, it might be nice to hear that "BEFORE IT GOT OUT" bit.
Something to think about, man.
Anyways, good job on the trailer aspect of the script. I hope it goes well. I'll finish the script for sure.
Just read the trailer script and it sounds good. My only fear is that it proposes a very similar concept to that of The Haunting in Connecticut. I haven't read the feature, so I don't know how far you deviate from that template, but if you do have a clear divergence, I'd suggest adding a flavour of that in the trailer.
This is a bad habit I picked up from writing shorts. Sometimes a period works well, but I can see numerous places where a comma would be better. Gonna go back through this. And also just do a Slug scan. I don't always agree with your use, but I want to make sure mine is consistent.
Yep, it will always come down to personal style and opinion, but what I'm telling you definitely isn't bad advice or incorrect.
As for the Slugs, I think you'll see what I mean when you literally look at each and every one and see where and how they differ, or don't make sense. For instance, I think someone else also brought up a Slug labeled "AERIAL SHOT" or the like, which is just downright incorrect. You may indeed intend on using an aerial shot, but that's not a Slug header - what's the aerial shot of?
Woops, her name is Safiyah, guess I lose those attention to detail points. Lol
No, I looked up the correct name. It means "pure" and "friend" and is of Arabic, Hindi, or Swahali origin, which seems to suit her character very well.
Get your point, Jane does come from money which I try to establish by the size of her parents house at the end. She could still make it through college taking a year off. Gonna make the century home more of a fixer upper. Meant to. Why their painting it when Mark shows up.
IMO, there are several problems here. I don't think it matters that you tried to show Jane's parents have money later on, because it just leaves a bad impression in the reader's mouth early on because it doesn't make sense. I also have trouble with the age and college thing. In no way am I saying it can't be done or never has been done, but it just doesn't seem feasible or "right". IMO, it's very important to create characters who come across as real, and ages, backgrounds, and back stories make them either believable or unbelievable. In this case, there's absolutely no reason why Jane has to be 26 and her hubby 31.
Always thought you were a fan of a slow start for horror? I try hard to get the audience to like the characters here. I think that just ups the tension when all hell breaks lose. Also, trying to expose a bit of a chracter flaw in Jane. Her mother is an innocent victim in the feud between Jane her father. She's vengeful and stubborn. The kind of woman who will stop at nothing to keep a witch from touching her son...
I do...I definitely enjoy a good slow burn in horror, but the problem(s) here have to do with the unfocused and multiple story lines taking place, as well as the unnecessary characters and their potential story lines. I think it was Ryan who summed up what I was trying to say quite well, in that based on your setup (intro), it seems very cut and dry that you're establishing some sort of haunted house situation - which is all fine and good. But then it doesn't materialize and we find out on Page 30 or so that the story's Antag is gong to be a witch of some kind. From there, you start establishing other characters and other back stories, and it just doesn't all gel together.
AS for Jane's parents, again, unless you establish that up front, I don't think it's remotely effective or even "matters". The scenes with them came off as "throw away" unimportant, unnecessary scenes to me.
I'll respond to your other posts as well, as there are some things I want to say that may hopefully help.
This was the very first thing I ever wrote. I wrote it in six weeks and tried to post it here. So happy it was over the 500kb limit and I didn't know how to host my own scripts at that point. So I just started writing shorts. There are a lot of scenes, especially in the middle, where I just tried to tidy up the writing. Should've deleted each scene and rewrote it from scratch
Yeah, that makes complete sense. The flow just wasn't here and it really does come off like someone else wrote it.
Also, IMO, this is really where things fall apart, because the focus and story is so jumbled. I would strongly advise relooking at the "story", where it goes, and where it should go.
Tried to help you remember James by hanging that Lake County Coroner jacket off the back of his stool. He doctored evidence and got a black man, whom he thought was guilty, convicted of rape. Who then died in prison. This was his evil bidding and why he is hell-bound. Overall, he's just a douche bag.
Well, I think this is one of the biggest flaws going on here, and what I mean is that details like this that we don't see or experience, just aren't going to get across. They're also not necessary. They cloud the plot...make things confusing, jumbled. There's just no way anyone is going to understand this and in a filmed version, it would be even more difficult.
I think I might as well address this "Damned" issue and the POV being used to "show its perspective. It just doesn't make sense, has nothing to do with the story at hand, and isn't addressed with nearly enough detail or visuals where anyone will have a clue. IMO, it's the single biggest flaw in the script, and the reason I say that is because of it, the finale and ending doesn't make any sense, and also comes completely out of left field.
Also, keep this in mind when using or even thinking about a POV. Using a POV is obviously a form of directing, and really should be avoided 99% of the time, as it rarely offers anything or bring anything to the table, other than confusion. When you use a POV, eveything - every word, should be what "we see" from the POV. Period. To set it up properly, "we" have to know what it is, or potentially what it is that we're seeing through its eyes. A monster, an alien, a psycho killer wearing a mask, whatever...we have to have a clue, and with this "Damned", we don't, because it's literally never once addressed.
The girls in the classroom are there to reinforce that ideal that suicide is a mortal sin. Its something essential to this story IMO. Personally, I'm not religious at all. Less and less people are. So I'm trying to set up the climax here...
And this ties into what I said above. To the reader or viewer, it doesn't tie into anything because the central idea you're referring to is never established, and the climax comes out of left field and doesn't make sense.
You're trying to create some universal understanding that's not understood...or real, and I don't even know how you could go about it properly, which is, again, why I think there are major flaws in your "idea" or story, that need attention.
I don't see how this idea about evil entities are sucked up when they die by whatever has anything to do with the witch story.
Gotta disagree here. Thought that was well thought out. Not only was her mother burned at the stake because of her religious beliefs and her grandparents brought her to the states to protect her, she was locked out of her own home in the middle of winter by greedy developers who wanted her land.
I think you either misunderstood my point, or I wasn't very clear. By saying I didn't understand the witch's motivations, I'm referring to why she kills who she kills, and where she kills them.
She kills Bee in her home, and we don't know the proximity of that and the Century House. She kills Tom in the Century House (which makes perfect sense). Then, she kills a random bartender and attacks James, and we don't know where this place is compared to the Century House at all. Then, finally, she goes balls out at the local hospital, a random amount of days after killing Tom. I don't really understand why she even wanted to kill Jane and Sammy in the first place.
Sticking with an earlier point and also Ryan's comparison to Amityville Horror, in that movie(s) and all other like it, it's clear what the Antag is after and all the kills take place within or around the house.
Your Antag is cruising the neighborhood and taking out random peeps.
Of all your comments, this is by far and away the most concerning. This whole script, sub plots and all, are built to setup this moment. When Jane kills herself, she buys a ticket to hell. She opens the gates, the sheep lady is more or less collateral damage. She got caught up in it and couldn't see it coming. Because, until Jane pulls that trigger, she's a good person in God's eyes. I really don't know how i could've set that up any better.
As I said in my last post, IMO, this is all due to that fact that this is not set up properly or made remotely clear. How does Jane come to this conclusion? What is she basing this on? How is the audience supposed to understand or know this?
Lexa navigated her way, through the spill way tunnel, to The bottom of the well in Tom and Jane's basement. When the sheep lady committed suicide by jumping into the well, she held onto a package wrapped in plastic. It's the book that Safiyah and her mother searched for. The book the page of three spells came from. The book that enabled the sheep lady to cheat the rules of death. Why nothing came to drag her soul to hell when she died. Meh, having to explain that really sucks. Must've missed my mark...
Well, I understand what you're saying and understood it before I brought it up. It's the logic and details that bring it down.
Are you saying that this "well" is open to this "spillway"? If so, it ain't no well. Also, if it is indeed open, then Yalda was never really trapped down there, as she or her spirit had an easy escape route through the spillway.
But maybe more importantly, why would Lexa do this? How would she find this? What time frame is this taking place in? And, what is it really supposed to say? That Lexa is going to be the new "witch" and some day, many, many years from now, cheat death herself?
You know I admire your honesty and always will. Takes hours for someone to put a review together like that. I am in your debt, for sure. I'm glad you found much to like here. As I always do, will wait to see what the consensus is on this before deciding to go into a heavy rewrite.
Always appreciated and thanks huge, man!
No problem. Just trying to help and hoping that what I'm bringing up, does help.
I made it to page 40 today. I hope my comments do not seem too negative. That is not my intention at all. Sometimes when I make a page by page comments, the comments tend to sound like that. I like what you have so far except for the part with Mark.
I'm sorry I have to break this script up in such small pieces, but that is all I have time for this week.
Page 20. I didn't quite get why Jane orders the papers on Romeo and Juliet back. What's the point of that?
Also don't get why you write that the house has a fresh coat of paint on it. When you 1st introduced us to the house, you never mentioned it needed a coat of paint. Another little thing that makes me wonder what's the point of that?
Page 21. Okay so this guy, Mark is 47. So he was born in 1964 or about that time. But somehow he remembers the sheep lady who lived in the house between 1930 and 1950. How does that work?
I have a bit of a problem with the Mark telling Tom and Jane all this stuff about their house. I mean really, if I see someone who had just bought a new house and I know something negative about that house, I would not tell them. Especially if I don't know them. To me, it just does not seem like the thing you would do. Also, Mark says she was a witch, but Jane jumps to the conclusion that the house is haunted. Mark, didn't say anything about it being haunted. I also find it a little odd that Mark asks for a beer. Really, would a stranger do that?
Page 23. I'm having some issues here… Mark is a complete stranger yet here we are later, it's still daytime and Tom and Mark have put away 2 sixpacks of beer. This seems really bizarre to me. And then we get the "he shit his pants on your first date?" piece in Mark's dialogue. This didn't feel right to me at all. Mark is a stranger! I just can't imagine anyone saying something like that to a stranger.
Page 24. I think you can skip this whole page. It might be amusing, but totally wrong feel and situation for this horror script. Doesn't work for me at all. What you have so far is pretty good. A mystery/horror. This low brow humor just totally derails the mood you have already created. At least IMHO.
Page 27. Right now, I don't see the point of Mark at all. We got a little bit of info about the sheep lady, but after that, I don't see the point of this section with Mark at all. This does not move the story forward at all. You have five pages, five minutes of film with nothing to move the story onward. That's a long time on film….
Page 28. They are still drinking??? Two strangers??? And telling each other personal stuff??? Not trying to be rude here, but IMHO, this stuff should get cut from your script. Wrong feel. Wrong mood. Wrong genre. You should be spooking us by now.
Page 31. Here's the situation again where you have not told us who is in the scene and what they are doing. You write that Mark is inching closer to the table. Inching closer from where? I thought he was already sitting at the table.
Page 32. Why does Mark guess that they all had their tongues ripped out and drowned in their own blood? Why does he jump to that conclusion? Does Mark have inside information? Why doesn't Jane or Tom asked him how he knows?
I like the creepiness you have going on now. The whole well thing reminds me of the ring, but it is still good.
Page 35. Tom is joking around a lot. I don't think all that joking and comedy fits here. You were doing so well with the creepy images earlier now you've ruined it again with jokes.
Page 36. Aunt Bee? What is this? And Bob Barker? I have no idea what's going on here. Are we watching an old TV show? I have no clue.
Stares. not stairs.
I'm still very confused here about Aunt Bee. Who is she? He gave us no description of her. I have no idea if she is the TV character or if she's on original character made up by you.
Thanks for the suggestions. I do like some of them. As for the script, some glaring problems are showing up. Not at all surprised. Pretty sure some of it is because I tried to make this as much about the town as the actual journey of the protag. Basiacally wanted to write a horror story that took place in my hometown. Might have shot for too big of a story.
James
Quoted from Dreamscale
IMO, there are several problems here. I don't think it matters that you tried to show Jane's parents have money later on, because it just leaves a bad impression in the reader's mouth early on because it doesn't make sense. I also have trouble with the age and college thing. In no way am I saying it can't be done or never has been done, but it just doesn't seem feasible or "right". IMO, it's very important to create characters who come across as real, and ages, backgrounds, and back stories make them either believable or unbelievable. In this case, there's absolutely no reason why Jane has to be 26 and her hubby 31.
Fair enough, I'll make them older. Easiest fix of them all. For shits, I googled the house I'm talking about. Last purchased in 2000 for 56k. WOw. It looks nice from outside, but must have some serious structural problems. I'd post a pic, but I don't know who lives there, yet. If you saw it, it wouldn't be a financial issue on film. Again, I have to go over my description of it better.
Quoted from Dreamscale
I think it was Ryan who summed up what I was trying to say quite well, in that based on your setup (intro), it seems very cut and dry that you're establishing some sort of haunted house situation - which is all fine and good. But then it doesn't materialize and we find out on Page 30 or so that the story's Antag is gong to be a witch of some kind. From there, you start establishing other characters and other back stories, and it just doesn't all gel together.
Not haunted house, haunted town. Was trying to show that many survivors of the ship wreck lingered there for decades. We're less than a mile from the beach here. I should maybe make that clearer.
Quoted from Dreamscale
AS for Jane's parents, again, unless you establish that up front, I don't think it's remotely effective or even "matters". The scenes with them came off as "throw away" unimportant, unnecessary scenes to me
Was trying to show that Jane didn't have much besides Tom and Sammy. She despised her father. I thought that might help motivate her to do what she does in the climax
Well, I think this is one of the biggest flaws going on here, and what I mean is that details like this that we don't see or experience, just aren't going to get across. They're also not necessary. They cloud the plot...make things confusing, jumbled. There's just no way anyone is going to understand this and in a filmed version, it would be even more difficult.
I would think it would be easier to associate on film, because now you have a face to associate with a character who hasn't been in the story for awhile. I really think James' near death experience needs to be in there. It helps Safiyah realize the witch is afraid of whatever comes for evil souls. She then conveys this to Jane In their conversation at the psychic shop. It's what makes Jane believe that if she opens the gates to hell by killing herself, if she can do it close to the witch, it will take her too.
Quoted from Dreamscale
Also, keep this in mind when using or even thinking about a POV. Using a POV is obviously a form of directing, and really should be avoided 99% of the time, as it rarely offers anything or bring anything to the table, other than confusion. When you use a POV, eveything - every word, should be what "we see" from the POV. Period. To set it up properly, "we" have to know what it is, or potentially what it is that we're seeing through its eyes. A monster, an alien, a psycho killer wearing a mask, whatever...we have to have a clue, and with this "Damned", we don't, because it's literally never once addressed.
Maybe I'll switch to individual POVs then. They're not directing IMO. They're absolutely essential to story. The last scene between jane and the sheep lady needs to happen in the realm between life, and heaven and hell. The place you go to be judged when you first die. I guess I could use a slug of sorts for that, but I thought the POV was establishing that for me.
Quoted from Dreamscale
I don't see how this idea about evil entities are sucked up when they die by whatever has anything to do with the witch story.
Jane opens the gates to hell, they both get sucked in. I think thats pretty clear.
I think you either misunderstood my point, or I wasn't very clear. By saying I didn't understand the witch's motivations, I'm referring to why she kills who she kills, and where she kills them.
She kills Aunt Bee and wants Safiyah because their mother trapped her in the well for decades. Hence the piece of concrete she leaves on Aunt Bee's kitchen counter. It used to be part of the slab on the well. The witch is taking revenge on them for what their mother did to her.
Same with James, this part I know needs clarification, Safiyah's and Bee's mom did not work alone. She had help from the local church to trap the witch. James' parents helped along with some others. I was hoping the reader would just put that together.
She goes after Jane and Sammy just to get at Safiyah, who won't leave her protected room at the shop. So if, the witch can't take Safiyah, she'll take others and have Safiyah feel the guilt.
Quoted from Dreamscale
Are you saying that this "well" is open to this "spillway"? If so, it ain't no well. Also, if it is indeed open, then Yalda was never really trapped down there, as she or her spirit had an easy escape route through the spillway.
Good point and I know this. There is a major undergraound water way here. Unbuildable lots and such. The tunnel is a storm sewer, not septic. We used to go down it as kids. If logic needed to be fixed, theres no reason there can't be a crack in the tunnel leading to the under ground water way that feeds the wells. Just trying to be cinematic here.
Quoted from Dreamscale
But maybe more importantly, why would Lexa do this? How would she find this? What time frame is this taking place in? And, what is it really supposed to say? That Lexa is going to be the new "witch" and some day, many, many years from now, cheat death herself?
Thought Alexa was much like the sheep lady. A loner, outcasted by her peers. I didn't get into her character too much, but I thought I established a bit of that in the classroom scene. Whatever she does from then on.. I dunno. But, she found the book. She can if she wants to.
I know this story has problems. I tried to fit too much in. I could tell that when I was writing it. It suffers from that, but I'm not sure I'm gonna do a total rewrite here. This would work better if it were just Family vs. The witch. But, like I said, just wanted to write a horror story that takes place in my hometown.
I appreciate all your comments, Jeff. You bring up some very good points. And yes, I see this clearly in my head and did not convey on paper well.
Also don't get why you write that the house has a fresh coat of paint on it. When you 1st introduced us to the house, you never mentioned it needed a coat of paint. Another little thing that makes me wonder what's the point of that?
Quite right, the house has already been an issue. Need to describe it more as needing some TLC.
Page 21. Okay so this guy, Mark is 47. So he was born in 1964 or about that time. But somehow he remembers the sheep lady who lived in the house between 1930 and 1950. How does that work?
Parents used to tell that story to their kids. Him being born in 1964, I'm sure his own parents would remember it.
I have a bit of a problem with the Mark telling Tom and Jane all this stuff about their house. I mean really, if I see someone who had just bought a new house and I know something negative about that house, I would not tell them. Especially if I don't know them. To me, it just does not seem like the thing you would do. Also, Mark says she was a witch, but Jane jumps to the conclusion that the house is haunted. Mark, didn't say anything about it being haunted. I also find it a little odd that Mark asks for a beer. Really, would a stranger do that?
Really tried to paint Mark as a bit of a dick. I thought that fit his character, could be wrong.
I'll admit, Mark showing up is very convenient to the story. I wanted a little character time here. I want you to like Tom and Jane before I toss them in harms way. This whole scene is a bit unorthodox, but I figure Tom probably hasn't gotten drunk in awhile. He opens up a bit too much, but I'm also trying to show a bit of character flaw in Jane. She doesn't let her grandparents see Sammy because of what her father said. She can be very spiteful and stubborn.
Page 35. Tom is joking around a lot. I don't think all that joking and comedy fits here. You were doing so well with the creepy images earlier now you've ruined it again with jokes.
To me, that is just Tom's character and what I figured he would say here. He is a bit of a jokester and doesn't buy into the whole sheep lady story.
Page 36. Aunt Bee? What is this? And Bob Barker? I have no idea what's going on here. Are we watching an old TV show? I have no clue.
Bee was intro'd with Safiyah and Meliah sitting in the car watching Jane and Tom unpack. I know, it's been awhile since you've seen her. Bob Barker was the Price is Right daytime game show host for decades. Damn. Thought everyone would know him. Lol.
Sorry for the confusion. I can understand it. There are a few characters who disappear for long amounts of time only to show up again much much later. It is a mistake on my part and I've already taken some lumps for it.
Been fixing typos as I go. I noticed you mentioned the Stares not stairs typo. fixed that yesterday, If you got and old draft, just Click on it again and download the newer one. Many typos are already corrected. Thanks, makes for a cleaner read.
I picked your script up today again. I had a few days off from reading while my kids were here. Some of the things I mentioned below, may be things I have brought up before. If so, please forgive.
Your script has picked up a lot of steam, I think you've done really well so far.
Page 42. I'm still confused about aunt Bee. [edit] Not anymore since I noticed your answer. I am glad she had nothing to do with an old black and white TV show!!
LOL. I had to look up what a tele-typewriter machine was. I can say though, that I am a little bit intrigued by what she's doing.
Page 43. Okay, now I'm really confused. How did Safiyah enter the picture all of a sudden? I didn't know she was in the room.
Page 45. I like the part with the candle with the frame that bends towards the kitchen. Good work on somebody who doesn't hear well, so they are more sensitive to their other senses.
Page 47. Good work on describing aunt Bee dead at the table.
Page 48. It seems a little bit unreal to me that Safiyah is not totally freaked out by the death of Bee. Seems to me that her reaction to it is more like as if she had found her dead by natural means. But she has had her eyes gouged out her jaw ripped open and the Bible stuffed down her throat! That is freak out time.
Here we are introduced to the witch. No description or anything prior. At least not that I can remember. Did I miss something?
I think if it's dark outside, and you hold up a light to the window, all you are going to see is a reflection of the light. You will not be able to see outside. Ever try to take a picture with the flash on a piece of glass?
Page 50. Interesting thing here. Earlier in this script, Jane said that they now live in a haunted house, yet here she is with Sammy, telling him that there are no such thing as ghosts.
Normally I would question the kid having a baby monitor in his bedroom when his 7. But I guess since he is sick it kind of makes sense.
Page 56. Okay, another confusing moment. If the witch was at Bee's house, why is there a sound in their basement now? Does the witch make a lot of noise as she crawls back into the well? I don't get it. Seems like the noise would have been made when she 1st climbed out of there rather than on her way back.
Page 56. So they cannot see Walter, but they can hear him? Or can they only hear him on the radio?
Page 57. Tiny typo, it should be, a rocking chair rocks back and forth.
Sammy says he saw her. He saw the witch. I thought he was talking to Walter. Also, since the other ladies can see the witch, shouldn't Jane be able to see her too?
You got pretty good tension going on here right now. Very good.
Page 58. I like to morph of the sound. Going from the low pitch clicks into heartbeats.
Page 59. Typo, are should be our.
Page 60. Very good page.
Page 61. Jane's response to the Sheriff when she finds out that, has died doesn't really work for me. Especially not when she goes on to ask if he liked the house. I understand what you're trying to do here, but I think that question comes too early. It would work better if it was a question asked later in the script, but not immediately after finding out her husband is dead. And, what is Sammy doing during all this?
Page 62. Typo, she sets "it" in front of Nick.
There's a very easy way to get rid of that orphan. Just write, Nick takes a sip, points to the TV...
Page 63. Not sure that whole bar scene works. I didn't get the bickering with Nick at all. What was the point of that?
Page 64. In the last scene James was in the bar. In this scene he's outside the bar smoking a cigarette. Then he decides to go back in. I don't think that scene is necessary. At least not in my little opinion. Safiyah's phone call was good, but I'm not sure we needed all that extra stuff inside the bar and outside the bar.
James can see a figure half a mile away in the dark? He must have some seriously good eyes. I know I couldn't see that far.
Page 65. Good going on this page.
Page 66. Is the witch the same as the damned? Maybe I'm stupid...
Page 69. You have the word the twice in one sentence.
Page 70. I really like this part, it means the awful things you've done in your life actually saved your life. She's afraid of what's going to come for you when you die. That was very good.
I like the part with the candle with the frame that bends towards the kitchen. Good work on somebody who doesn't hear well, so they are more sensitive to their other senses.
Actually Aunt Bee can hear just fine. She can't speak, though, because she had a stroke. Something you learn later in the story.
It seems a little bit unreal to me that Safiyah is not totally freaked out by the death of Bee. Seems to me that her reaction to it is more like as if she had found her dead by natural means. But she has had her eyes gouged out her jaw ripped open and the Bible stuffed down her throat! That is freak out time.
Was tough to gage Safiyah's reacition here. Not only did she find her sister dead, but she just realized the sheep lady is back from the dead. Yes, the witch is the sheeplady in otherworldly form. I did not establish that well and need to fix it. When Safiyah saw that and ran into her daughter behind her, I just thought all she would be seeking was safety at the moment. The witch/sheep lady is after her too as you find out later in the story.
Here we are introduced to the witch. No description or anything prior. At least not that I can remember. Did I miss something?
Much is answered in above. I describe her later in the script because all I wanted the audience to see at this moment was her silhouette pressed up against the glass. Lightning illuminates her from behind. No features can be seen, yet.
I think if it's dark outside, and you hold up a light to the window, all you are going to see is a reflection of the light. You will not be able to see outside. Ever try to take a picture with the flash on a piece of glass?
Don't agree here. Put a cell phone, flush, up against the glass. You won't see a reflection, lest it's double paned. Same with a flash if you could get it flush with the window. It would illuminate the outside and leave no room for reflection.
Interesting thing here. Earlier in this script, Jane said that they now live in a haunted house, yet here she is with Sammy, telling him that there are no such thing as ghosts.
Was picturing Jane just joking about it at that point. She really doen't believe in ghosts, yet.
Page 56. Okay, another confusing moment. If the witch was at Bee's house, why is there a sound in their basement now? Does the witch make a lot of noise as she crawls back into the well? I don't get it. Seems like the noise would have been made when she 1st climbed out of there rather than on her way back.
Good point, if you're referring to the witch calling Aunt Bee's house from Tom and Janes. Didn't catch that one. But, yes, I wanted to build tension with the witch pushing off the bags of concrete mix that Tom stacked on the well
Sammy says he saw her. He saw the witch. I thought he was talking to Walter. Also, since the other ladies can see the witch, shouldn't Jane be able to see her too?
hopefully, later in the story, you'll get that only Aunt bee could see the witch. The others just know of her existence. Aunt Bee is the only tru medium amongst them.
Jane's response to the Sheriff when she finds out that, has died doesn't really work for me. Especially not when she goes on to ask if he liked the house. I understand what you're trying to do here, but I think that question comes too early. It would work better if it was a question asked later in the script, but not immediately after finding out her husband is dead. And, what is Sammy doing during all this?
Absolutely agree here, with the way it comes off on a written page. I tried adding sirens in the distance to give the scene more depth. More time to develop. On page, it's way too fast of a reaction. Would hope a good director would spce this out more.
Page 70. I really like this part, it means the awful things you've done in your life actually saved your life. She's afraid of what's going to come for you when you die. That was very good.
James was meant to be a racist. this is where others had problems. Trying to paint him as someone who is hell-bound. It's why the witch doesn't kill him. Not so much for being racist, but for falsifying evidence that put a black man behind bars whom he assumed was guilty. That man died in prison. This is eluded to way early in the story and never revisited again until now. Thats why it's getting hammered...
The POV of the DAMNED thingy? needs a fixer. That's pretty much for sure.
Thanks for continuing on, I know how busy you are with your projects. If I can ever help, I owe ya. Thanks for the typos especially, try to snag the new draft when you get a chance.
A little birdie told me you wrot an OWC entry. Have to see if I can find it...
I wanted to give a glance at the first 20, before I move back to Philip's script. I have not even peeked at any other reviews.
Your writing has a style to it. A lot of script writing does not, is merely functional. You have a certain style, and it helps create a certain atmosphere of mystery and intrigue. Like an Anne Rice Novel.
I'd say that in the first 20, the strength is in that intrigue, that atmosphere. What is this evil supernatural force, where did it come from, what does it do? What's in the well?
There are some issues that need to be considered, however. They may not all be problems, but I'll bring them up anyway.
We begin with a strong opening image, nice work on that. This starts a 7 page scene in the past, before we shift to the present, or close to it. That's a lot of pages to dedicate to a scene like that, so everything better really have an impact. As this happens in the past, we will not be meeting our protag, nor learning anything about her. So this whole 7 pages is going to be about: setting up a plot, setting up an antagonist, and establishing a tone and genre. Did it succeed in these things? Hard for me to say for sure without having read the whole script.
It seems some kind of supernatural evil force came ashore with the survivors of that wreck. A big problem is that the only way we know this is from the narration. We don't actually see anything supernatural, except maybe the would-be-thief going under water with black hands behind him. I think it's even explained that this is just a bad guy going to hell, nothing to do with our story, or our antagonist.
So we're really not coming out of this with a sense of the antagonistic force, or even the plot lines. The genre of something supernatural is not clearly established either.
I basically liked this opening scene as I read it. But in hindsight analysis, I don't think it's doing what it needs to do, and it takes up 7 pages.
Now finally on page 8 we meet our protagonist, Jane. Which leads to the next issue. Jane's qualities as a character are not shown to us. We are told of them by a narrator. For example, the narrator says she has a heart of a lion. It would be better to show that. Indulge me, and let me give an example from my own script, not that the script is better, but one of the character intro's worked well, I think.
Remember Shannon? She's petite and cute just like Jane. When we meet her, she boldly holds up a gun shop, with a gun stolen in that very shop. So we see she's tough. But then she walks out the door and almost breaks down. And we see her little sick daughter. At this point we know much of the toughness was an act. So we know this character pretty well by then. She's tough enough, but her strength comes from determination to help her daughter.
If Jane is going to be tough as a lion, it's better if something happens in our opening scene to reveal it.
Or...if her arc involves having to learn to be tough, that's different. But if that's the case, she should not be described as tough as a lion, we should see that progression.
Continuing on with the protag problem: we don't meet her until page 8; then she's not really in focus. There are more scenes where she's not present, and she's not real active in the ones she is. We're not getting any sense of her from her actions or choices. If there's a flaw, we don't know it yet. Her character looks like it is just starting to develop around page 20 when we see her in class. That's very late in the film.
What I get from the front 20 pages is that while the writing is often strong and entertaining, and we're seeing good intrigue and mystery being crafted, I feel the structure is more conducive to a novel at this point. For this to be a film, this needs to be much more tightly focused and structured, in my amateur opinion.
So my suggestions:
1) tighten and focus that opening ship sequence. Get it down to 3 or 4 pages. Give us a strong taste that we are in for a supernatural tale. Actually, the supernatural hint should come in the first page or two. And if we're not going to meet the protagonist in this opening, we need to meet the antagonist. That doesn't mean we literally have to meet a person, but we need to get a clear and powerful sense of what this antagonistic force is. And not just from a narrator. 2) if we're not being introduced to the protag in the opening scenes, then when we meet her, the spotlight has to stay on her for a while, til we get a full sense of her. Also, a little trick I learned. If you have to leave the protag in this critical development time in order to intro another important character, find a way to keep the protag in view. That doesn't mean she is in the scene. It means she is somehow referenced by the characters in the scene. So the sheriff should mention Jane, or next best thing if that's not possible, mention the house, or "the new teacher". There's always a way. Jane should either be in the scene or somehow pointed to by the characters within the scene. 3) focus and reveal some of the plot line a little earlier. We don't want to know the story too early, but we need to feel its contours, get a sense of what this is about. The title doesn't reveal anything, so we need more revelation. We know there's something evil, it will be fought be Jane, the evil has committed murder, and likely used innocent people to do it. But if someone were to ask me now, tell us in one sentence what this is about, I couldn't begin. I've made this mistake in my own scripts, and it's a problem. I've learned the hard way. Still learning the hard way!
Keep in mind, Unicorn, one of the Nichols winners, suffered many of these problems and won. So don't be discouraged by my amateur remarks. This is how I see the front 20, I think coverage notes will mention some of these things. Hopefully this helped a little.
You're definitely one of the better writers here, easy to read your stuff.
Page 71. I have been away from this script for one day now and it is possible that I missed something. My memory is not what it used to be. LOL. When Safiyah says to James that he destroyed that young man's life, who is she talking about? Is she talking about Tom? Or someone in the past?
Page 73. When Jane goes to Lucinda's psychic readings, I think he would help if you let us know that Jane went there straight from the cemetery or if this is a new day. Right now it appears she went there straight from the funeral which in my opinion I don't really buy. I don't see how Jane would do that after such a traumatic death of her husband. Seems to me, that she would need some time before going there. In other words, if you let us know if Jane is still wearing the funeral clothes or something else, we will know that some time has passed.
Page 78. Just one question here, if the sheep lady was brought over here from Morocco by her grandparents and her mother was burned at the stake, was she burned here or in Morocco? If her mother was burned at the stake in Morocco, I'm just curious if that is or ever was a common practice there? It sounds more like a Christian thing to do to me. Just curious is all is I would want your script to ring true.
Page 80. I am wondering why the sheep lady wants to go after Jane and Sammy. What have they done to her? If anything they let her lose, set her free. The only other thing they've done is move into the house. If she wants to take revenge on anyone should be the people from the past in the town not Jane and Sammy. Of course, due to a lot of things going on here and with the OWC, my reading of your script has been very choppy. Quite possible that missed something along the way or forgot. Do people really talk like that in real life? I don't know. Maybe it's just more visible on paper than if you heard it.
I guess I must be slow, which is quite possible, but I don't understand what Jane plan is. I feel stupid.
Page 87. For safety's sake, I think it would be more realistic to have the Sheriff tell her how to pull back the hammer instead of doing it for her. No sane law enforcement person would hand a loaded cocked and ready gun to someone who has never used a gun before. That is an accident waiting to happen.
Page 88. Now I feel really really stupid because I don't know what Jane's plan is. If that security guards were unable to children witch with their bullets, how will Jane do it with her gun?
Page 89. Okay, I don't understand how Jane wakes up after blowing their brains out. Is she in that gray area between life and the afterlife? Where ghosts and things live? If so, does this happen to everyone when they die? Or is Jane a special case? In my opinion, this needs to be explained somewhere.
Page 90. Where did the spiders come from? And why did they come for the sheep lady?
What does the doctor mean when he says there's an entire network we have to go through. A mild red tape? I don't get that at all. Every medical workers 1st job is to do all they can to try to save someone's life. There should not be a bunch of bureaucracy keeping them from doing so.
Page 93. I think I'm having a big issue here with this story. I do not like the idea at all that James died and poor little Sammy moves in with Jane's parents. These are people we never got to know. The little we knew about them was not very positive, but you decide that this story should end on a good note for them. I don't like that idea at all. I strongly feel that Jane must survive. Perhaps she could have taken her own life in such a way that the doctor was able to revive her after the sheep lady was defeated. I think this is crucial. As it is right now, I feel very unhappy with the development of your story at this point.
Page 95. I like what you are doing here with Sammy and Walter.
I know the importance of Jane giving Sammy her heart, but I still do not like the idea of characters we knew nothing about except for negative things get to be the good guys that Sammy lives with in the end.
You probably want to delete those last 2 blank pages….
Overall I think you did very well. My page by page comments were questions and thoughts I had while reading. Some were small nitpick things others were a bit bigger. I think you can tell from my comments what those were.
Since this is supposed to be a harbor my biggest suggestion and complaint is still the stranger that shows up at their house and drinks with Tom and tells them about the sheep lady. There's nothing in tone visuals or dialogue that gives us the horror feel we should be feeling. My suggestion to make it little spookier would be having Sammy meet another child, perhaps a neighbor who tells them the story about the sheep lady. In my opinion, that would not only be more realistic, but also creepier. Children can be very creepy. LOL! Seriously, the stranger drinking and joking with Tom feels very very wrong. You can do so much more to spook that part up.
My other big complaint was at the end and what happens to Jane and Sammy. It felt very wrong. Left with a bad taste in my mouth.
I apologize for my comments being choppy. That's not normally how I do things. Despite that, I hope some of my comments can be of help.
I have not yet read through your comments to me. I will do so tomorrow. Good work James.
Heya, James -- Finally getting around to posting up my notes on your work here. I've went back and re-read bits and pieces of the script over the last few days to get a better understanding of a few things... I hate breaking down a read into sections, because it always ressults in me going back and re-reading.
It was a long read, and at 100 pages it shouldn't feel so weighty -- I might even have felt off-put having a physical copy in my hand to read properly. To be honest, the trailer you wrote is what really motivated me here.
I'm a technical guy -- If a script doesn't feel right, I won't read it or will stop reading it pretty quickly... Not to say I've become the authority on it this past year, but I've been working very close with a few consultants and I like to think it's paid off. My work, the script I'm entering into Page, shows this handily.
I'm doing all the technical stuff 1st post and will get to my thoughts on your story and why it did work, why it didn't and what it reminds me of 2nd... Hope you get some use out of this, cos' I don't stick around here long and I seldom go into this great of detail for many.
-- One gripe I had with your script was that you only space once after a period -- This butts the read up pretty tight. I like the extra space, it looks cleaner... It reads more swiftly. Think about adopting this on a re-write or in your future work.
-- Your 1st 10 pages, in retrospect, can be trimed to about 4 by my calculations... I can tell this script was either
A) written on whims from the top of your head or B) Not fully plotted out before you started writing
Reason being, your script has several instances where you'll have a scene header at the very bottom of the page, dialogue floating at the top of the next page or -- even worse, action bleed over.
Page 4 and 5 show this trait early on -- then it clears up and comes back on page 20 to 21 -- then sporadically comes and goes from then on.
Biggest eye sore in the script came on page 42 with your INSERT DISPLAY bleeding over into 43.
Make sure you are plotting this thing through to a science. Make sure your read is as clean and tight as possible. Make sure it looks like each page is it's own scene. This makes people/consultants/agents/producers know, right off the bat, you have organization on your side.
-- Do away with the DUSK and DAWN stuff... pointless. Explain this, better yet show this time of day through written imagery - not a word.
-- I did not like how you handled your FLASHBACK stuff. It reads too cluttered and clunky and was one reason why your script blead over in a scene header on page 29 to 30.
EXT. CENTURY HOME - DAY (FLASHBACK)
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT (END FLASHBACK)
Anyone can argue this all they want -- This is the way going forward. Trust me on it, and start practicing it.
-- You have a few too many instances of the dreaded and highly slopy (MORE) dialogue at the bottom of the screen, bleeding onto the next page. Starts on page 22 and peppers your script throughout. Get rid of these instances. Fix them. Clean up your dialogue, shorten it - do whatever you have to do. Do not extend your dialogue from one page to the next.
If you trimmed your page 24 dialogue, you could take care of 5, by my count, of the instances I'm talking about. Something to think over, man. pages, 30, 31,32 -- long way to page 77, 92,
-- A few orphans here and there -- one word hogging up an entire line -- try and get rid of them. They are tacky looking, but not deal breakers. I don't rag on them, but the consultant I deal with does.
-- It's redundant, if the scene is the same to keep doing full scene slugs... Day is not warranted on none of the slugs on page 14. This goes for the rest of the script where we are following one person or we are location to location. This is all implied.
-- Don't really need the later stuff in there. page 17 for example. Setting, dialogue and pace should dictate this. And it did, so axe it.
-- A small guide of words you don't want to use or use sparringly: Is, are, The, That, Then, Walk, Sit, Stand, Look, Just, of the, Begin, Start, really, very and any and all adverbs with LY on the end. You are a repeat offender of most of the above. There are tighter ways to say things without them.
-- Page 17. Write it like this:
(OS) BELL rings Jane shuts the classroom door - A black combat boot stops it.
Never put a sound in with action. give it it's own space and if it's off screen, say it's off screen. The way you wrote it we are looking at the school bell ring.
-- In dialogue, if a thought isn't broken continue it... don't end it. For instance, this is just one of many instances, by the way.
page 19
JANE I suppose that would depend on what religion you... (--) Use that instead of the elpise... and don't space.
-- Milling over the (POV OF THE DAMNED) I'd say, since you had so much trouble with it, change it... but I, personally, didn't.
Maybe a (POV: PORTAL) would suffice. Keep your descriptions or give the realm a name other than the damned. I think, the way you introduce it at the start, tends make people think it's a person. Establish it's more a meshing of worlds/realms/dead and living.
-- So many instances where you can continue a sentense or thought, but choose to end it with a period. Since I'm nearing the end of the technical's I'll end it with the end of your script.
The entire last page of your script is chalk full of broken thoughts.
Light flickers by as the view speeds through the tunnel. A junction room appears with three smaller tunnles. The view veers left through a smaller tunnel.
Write it like this -- it's gonna take more lines, but it's more visual and it's also a bit more exciting. Light flickers by - High speed through the tunnel.
A junction room, three smaller tunnels lined up.
Through the left tunnel.
-- I'd toss a THE END on this one... I'd also do away with FADE TO BLACK and just keep it to FADE OUT:
-- Anyways, pressed for time -- so I'm gonna end this one here. I'll pick back up tomorrow on the story aspects and stuff. Hope this helps you all around, and not just on this script.
I’ve not read any previous comments as I didn’t want them to influence my thoughts so apologises if these points have already been brought up. Anyway here are my thoughts as I read this:
On page 1 your Slug reads EXT. HURRICANE DECK, is this the paddle steamer? It’s a bit unclear; maybe you should name the paddle steamer in your previous description.
Seems a bit strange to me that you named Walter but not his father.
Page 3, ‘Black smoke begins to devour the moon.’ Love this description.
Page 4, not sure you need to put ‘Aerial shot’ when maybe a EXT will do.
Bottom of page 5, ‘The screams fade.’ They’re underwater so this reads a bit awkward to me, although I know what you mean and I’m not sure how else to write it. Also you say the man in the leisure suit and his family drown but they then exit the water in the next scene? Seems a bit weird as you said he gave up and basically accept they were going to drown. Oh, hang on, maybe I just got what happened?
I’d like to see a few commas but the short sharp sentences aren’t too much of an issue really.
Why did they bury the bodies on the beach?
So we shift to the present. Jane, Tom and Realtor scene was good, very believable dialogue and the history of the house didn’t seem forced.
Bert, the teacher, says he counts the days till the summer. Very true, my wife’s a teacher and the first day back she starts counting the days to the next holiday.
Page 23, Tom seems to just blurt out that Sammy has an illness. I’m not sure about it, seems a bit forced. Not sure he would tell someone he’s only just met? Maybe after a few more beers would be better, like when Jane takes Sammy upstairs and leaves them together.
I liked Tom’s story about shitting himself, reminds me of a friend of mine who shit himself in a nightclub after consuming too many beers lol.
I enjoyed the well story, very ‘ring’ like and it read very creepy too. I think every town has a spooky looking house that has a strange story attached to it.
Page 36, and I want to know more about Aunt Bee.
Tom and Jane react to Sammy illness pretty believably. Their apprehension at the doctors and feeling they are waiting for someone to die before Sammy can get his transplant all came across well.
I’m at page 42 and am starting to wonder what the beginning was about and how it will tie in with the sheep lady? Guess it’s good that you’ve got me interested.
Bottom on page 42, Bee’s in her bedroom and you describe her actions but there are a lot of consecutive ‘She does this’ and ‘she does that’, maybe want to change a few?
Top 43, this confused me because Safiyah pulls the plug but I wasn’t aware she was there?
Things are warming up and Bee’s demise is pretty creepy. I liked the whole scene of Safiyah and Meliah entering the dark house and finding her body, you created some good atmosphere here. Scenes lit only by lightning flashes are always going to add to the shock factor.
I’ve noticed a few times that your characters say ‘go to bed’ when they are already in bed. Is this a regional thing meaning ‘go to sleep’? I only ask because it reads a bit funny to me. I will also say that if I get woken in the night, the only thing to come out of my lips are simple grunts of disapproval.
The sheep lady kills Bee before going to her own house? I wonder why?
Top 58, ‘He’s been drug backwards’, should be ‘dragged’.
Not sure about the slow-mo. I think the basement door slamming should happen quickly for more impact. Also Sheriff Colston arrives quite quickly, not sure this is a mistake as obviously I have no idea how far he had to travel but Aunt Bee had to get the bus there from her place earlier, yet he got there in a matter of moments. Oh, it’s a few miles away so it is possible.
Page 59, the deputy says’ ‘we’re on are way’, should be ‘our’.
Not sure about Nick? I don’t know if he reappears or not but it doesn’t really play any part in the story to me.
Okay so I’m on page 71 and things are buzzing round my head. What was the opening about, what’s James done that has saved him from the sheep lady, what’s with the red dust and why are some people being killed by the sheep lady and others not? Why did she kill the bartender, did she have something to do with her imprisonment? Did she kill Tom because he tried to block up the well? Also why is Walter’s ghost hanging around Sammy? I hope these are answered in the remaining pages?
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Given that a funeral can be up to a week after a death, has nothing happened with the sheep lady in this time? A suspicious death would probably be longer too?
Red dust ticked off, lol.
Page 82, the ghost story has now turned into a kind of monster story as the witch becomes more involved. I’m on the fence at this moment....
Not buying the pillow under a blanket routine. If the Witch can find her targets all over town can she not sense that Sammy is not in the bed?
Things get proper weird from page 89. Jane kills herself to try and kill the sheep lady/witch right? I like the split/parallel existence in which the witch/sheep lady occupy, this is very good and quite disturbing.
Okay so I actually breezed through this really quickly. I’ve a few final thoughts;
The damned had me confused right up until the end when I kind of figured out that they weren’t related to the witch...or are they, maybe I’m still confused? I’m still confused as to the witch’s motives to kill some people? I understand her motives to kill the people who blocked up the well but not convinced why Tom, Jane and Sammy on her list. I guess it’s simply because the live in her house? I loved the sheep lady’s demise but again it left me a little confused. Why did she get attacked by spiders? Mark, who appears and tells us about the sheep lady, never re-appears which is odd to me. I thought he bonded with Tom for a reason but he just seems to serve a purpose as to tell us the back story. I’m not sure about the whole beginning and ending. Maybe I’ve missed something but what has the sinking of the Hurricane got to do with the sheep lady? Has it something to do with the land that the bodies were buried on now being built upon? Walter seems a good character yet he’s sparsely used. I’d like to see him play more of a role in the story. A final thought is that it came across a bit like two stories that didn’t really match together. This might seem odd to you as the story is a quite linear but it’s just the feeling I got. The Walter scenes didn’t fit with the rest of the sheep lady story for me even though they showed us the damned (which had me confused). I know it could be hard for you but personally I think you could lose the whole Walter story and trim this down to 90 pages.
Right, I seem to have included nothing but negatives up to this point so I’ll finish with some positives me thinks. I enjoyed the story in general but obviously have some issues (see above lol). I will say that I did intend to read this over a few more days but I got carried away and steamed through it which is obviously a good point. You created some very good visual scenes and lots of atmosphere and even a few scares too.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
We begin with a strong opening image, nice work on that. This starts a 7 page scene in the past, before we shift to the present, or close to it. That's a lot of pages to dedicate to a scene like that, so everything better really have an impact. As this happens in the past, we will not be meeting our protag, nor learning anything about her. So this whole 7 pages is going to be about: setting up a plot, setting up an antagonist, and establishing a tone and genre. Did it succeed in these things? Hard for me to say for sure without having read the whole script.
I wanted to tell this story. I tried to give it a purpose-- being that hell-bound spirits see things differently in limbo. That something comes for them and does so right quick. They don't get to stay. It's an important element to the story, but most have found it a waste thus far.
There was no evil spirit that came ashore except the man in the buxton hat. Something came for him and took him to hell.
Now finally on page 8 we meet our protagonist, Jane. Which leads to the next issue. Jane's qualities as a character are not shown to us. We are told of them by a narrator. For example, the narrator says she has a heart of a lion. It would be better to show that. Indulge me, and let me give an example from my own script, not that the script is better, but one of the character intro's worked well, I think.
I thought this would be okay. I definitely show you she's tough as nails throughout the story. I just wanted to establish that she is the protag as soon as we meet her. I used up 7 pages on an off story and needed to catch up quick
Continuing on with the protag problem: we don't meet her until page 8; then she's not really in focus. There are more scenes where she's not present, and she's not real active in the ones she is. We're not getting any sense of her from her actions or choices. If there's a flaw, we don't know it yet. Her character looks like it is just starting to develop around page 20 when we see her in class. That's very late in the film.
Agreed. Again, rushing here a bit trying to catch up because of the pages taken up by the opening story. Its a major flaw in the script.
Agree with your last three points as well. It all pertains to the opening scene. I thought it would be effective in showing what happens to evil souls when they die. It's fallen flat to most as far as having much effect on the story...
Thanks for the comments so far. Waiting for a couple more reads before i go into a hefty rewrite. Probably just gonna gut out the central story here and build around it...
I like the idea behind what you're saying, definitely. I can't really consider it's impact until I read the rest of the story. And I did understand your explanation of the ghost limbo thing.
There are references to something evil though, with the narration. Something about this place being as good as any. Are you saying the evil was already there?
I think that the opening scene should introduce us to either the protag, or the antagonistic force. I suppose it could be used just to introduce a plot device. But you've dedicated 7 pages to that. If there is an antagonistic force, this would be a real good time to introduce it.
I am guilty of this in my scripts too. The idea is to focus things to the key elements. You have a lot to do in the first act, say first 25 pages: introduce protag and antag; establish tone and genre; introduce the main players; if there is a theme or a debate, get it going so we are exposed to it. If the protag has a character flaw that will need to be worked out, we need to discover it.
That's a lot to do, so ideally you want to get some of it out of the way in the opening scene.
The opening scene sequence is prime real estate. Things that happen there have to pay off later. I'll find out if they do when I read the rest. We have a man and his son with coins stitched in their coats; we have a would-be-thief who is dragged to hell; we have a narrator in the present talking about this, so it must be important to them; and we have a strong hint at confused ghosts who don't move on.
I don't know, like I said, I'd keep the scene if you can shorten and build in the antagonistic force somehow. Whether something evil comes ashore, or something evil is already there and shows itself at this horrendous moment. Make us fear it.
Rewrites are fun! Yeah, right. The writing was fine, though. No problem seeing things how you wanted. I even liked UNDERWATER as a mini-slug. I bet that tweaked a few rule enforcers!
Page 71. I have been away from this script for one day now and it is possible that I missed something. My memory is not what it used to be. LOL. When Safiyah says to James that he destroyed that young man's life, who is she talking about? Is she talking about Tom? Or someone in the past?
It was that file James was looking at in the beginning, that Sheriff Colston took from him. They were reopening the investigation on this. James falsified evidence in the case because he believed the black man was guilty. The man wasn't and has since died in prison. You weren't the only one to have a problem with it.
Page 78. Just one question here, if the sheep lady was brought over here from Morocco by her grandparents and her mother was burned at the stake, was she burned here or in Morocco? If her mother was burned at the stake in Morocco, I'm just curious if that is or ever was a common practice there? It sounds more like a Christian thing to do to me. Just curious is all is I would want your script to ring true.
This is part of the script that is three years old. I read a story about witch hunts in morocc in the the 1900s. Mostly by Islamists who persecuted anyone not of their religion. I'll have to see if I can find the article.
Page 80. I am wondering why the sheep lady wants to go after Jane and Sammy. What have they done to her? If anything they let her lose, set her free. The only other thing they've done is move into the house.
They didn't do anything. The witch/sheep lady is frustrated that Safiyah won't leave her house. The witch wants to kill Safiyah because of what her mother did to her. Locked her in the well.
So if Safiyah won't come outside, She's goin to kill innocent people until she does. This is a stretch, I just wanted to keep my protag in harms way. The original draft had a team of paranormal investigators go into the house and get slaughtered. I seemed to lose peoples interest when i did that. Wanted to keep the focus on Jane and Sammy.
Page 89. Okay, I don't understand how Jane wakes up after blowing their brains out. Is she in that gray area between life and the afterlife? Where ghosts and things live? If so, does this happen to everyone when they die? Or is Jane a special case? In my opinion, this needs to be explained somewhere.
I tried to establish that this was the place all souls go to when they die with the boat scene in the beginning. Limbo if you will, to be judged. Jane committed a mortal sin in the face of God and by doing so, the gates of hell opened to take her. The witch/sheep lady got caugh up in it as well. It was why she was afraid to kill James.
I understand your major concerns. This was not really meant to be a happy story. I wanted to create an evil and make you hate it. Then, come up with a unique way to defeat it. But, it comes at a price.
Carol, Jane's mother, was a good person who Jane adored. I try to establish that at the funeral when Jane argues with her father. Her father is the real dick here. Her mother suffers, kind of caught in the middle of the feud between Jane and William.
I can see where you wouldn't like that, but I didn't see another option at that point with what I've done with the story.
Super huge thanks for getting through this. Your comments will definitely help in a rewrite. I am in your debt. Glad you still found some things to like here. The story does need to be set up better...
To be honest, the trailer you wrote is what really motivated me here.
Good, that means it works.
Quoted from Baltis
Hope you get some use out of this, cos' I don't stick around here long and I seldom go into this great of detail for many.
I appreciate you taking the time. Would like you to know, before I continue on, that I'm not a format junky. I don't get into arguments about whether or not FADE IN: should be on left or right.
I also don't point out format issues I have with scripts I read here unless they do one thing... Confuse me and take me out of the read.
Hence this POV OF THE DAMNED thing I do throughout the script. Confused almost everyone and its gotta go.
--
Quoted from Baltis
One gripe I had with your script was that you only space once after a period -- This butts the read up pretty tight. I like the extra space, it looks cleaner... It reads more swiftly. Think about adopting this on a re-write or in your future work.
Just disagree here. That actually looks odd to me. I've seen people use it, though.
Quoted from Baltis
Make sure you are plotting this thing through to a science. Make sure your read is as clean and tight as possible. Make sure it looks like each page is it's own scene. This makes people/consultants/agents/producers know, right off the bat, you have organization on your side.
First I've ever heard of that. I've read coverage from alot of peoples scripts here. They never include anything like that. Highly doubt a producer would have a clue as to what is good format let alone complain about it. Shit, been writing for three years now and I still don't.
Quoted from Baltis
Do away with the DUSK and DAWN stuff... pointless. Explain this, better yet show this time of day through written imagery - not a word.
Agreed. That I will fix in the next draft.
Quoted from Baltis
I did not like how you handled your FLASHBACK stuff. It reads too cluttered and clunky and was one reason why your script blead over in a scene header on page 29 to 30.
EXT. CENTURY HOME - DAY (FLASHBACK)
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT (END FLASHBACK)
Anyone can argue this all they want -- This is the way going forward. Trust me on it, and start practicing it.
I like the way I did it, and I've seen it this way several times, your way works, too, I guess, but seems a little new age for me. Not seen it in many scripts.
Quoted from Baltis
If you trimmed your page 24 dialogue, you could take care of 5, by my count, of the instances I'm talking about. Something to think over, man. pages, 30, 31,32 -- long way to page 77, 92,
I'll have to look at that. Could have a good point there. I know alot of sticklers here for dialogue spilling onto the next page, personally, It's never bothered me.
Quoted from Baltis
A few orphans here and there -- one word hogging up an entire line -- try and get rid of them. They are tacky looking, but not deal breakers. I don't rag on them, but the consultant I deal with does.
I think this is more important for MP'ers. Trying to get a script hammered down into five pages. I don't really care for its argument. If a feature comes in on time, page count wise, I don't really see its point.
Quoted from Baltis
Don't really need the later stuff in there. page 17 for example. Setting, dialogue and pace should dictate this. And it did, so axe it.
Agreed. Will fix.
--
Quoted from Baltis
A small guide of words you don't want to use or use sparringly: Is, are, The, That, Then, Walk, Sit, Stand, Look, Just, of the, Begin, Start, really, very and any and all adverbs with LY on the end. You are a repeat offender of most of the above. There are tighter ways to say things without them.
Agreed, they sneak in and out of my writing. I don't see how their use would put anybody off though. If the story's good and the dialogue is good, a few faults in writing could be accepted IMO.
Quoted from Baltis
Never put a sound in with action. give it it's own space and if it's off screen, say it's off screen. The way you wrote it we are looking at the school bell ring.
Agree with the off screen reference. i missed that.
Quoted from Baltis
JANE I suppose that would depend on what religion you... (--) Use that instead of the elpise... and don't space.
I like my elipses. Haven't seen the use of dashes in dialogue very much.
Quoted from Baltis
So many instances where you can continue a sentense or thought, but choose to end it with a period. Since I'm nearing the end of the technical's I'll end it with the end of your script.
Agreed. Am going to get more familiar with using the comma button.
Thanks for the comments and taking the time, Baltis, always appreciated.
On page 1 your Slug reads EXT. HURRICANE DECK, is this the paddle steamer? It’s a bit unclear; maybe you should name the paddle steamer in your previous description.
It is an open deck on the paddle steamer. It was the proper name for it back in the 1800s. Dunno if they still use it. Get where it can be confusing.
This is a true story I tried to integrate into the script. It was it was a scalding hot day in June when this happened. The bodies began to stink. The manifest of passengers was burned up on the boat. Had no idea who was who.
Bert, the teacher, says he counts the days till the summer. Very true, my wife’s a teacher and the first day back she starts counting the days to the next holiday.
Good, have a few teacher friends of my own. Asked them to come up with an Idea/piece of literature that could spark a conversation about suicide. They all drew blanks. Think I did well with R&J.
I’m at page 42 and am starting to wonder what the beginning was about and how it will tie in with the sheep lady? Guess it’s good that you’ve got me interested.
Sorry to mislead. It's got nothing to do with the sheep lady. Just what happens to her in the end.
I’ve noticed a few times that your characters say ‘go to bed’ when they are already in bed. Is this a regional thing meaning ‘go to sleep’? I only ask because it reads a bit funny to me. I will also say that if I get woken in the night, the only thing to come out of my lips are simple grunts of disapproval.
The sheep lady kills Bee before going to her own house? I wonder why?
She's out for revenge, would think it might take her a few hours to muster after a 60yr entrapment. She wants Safiyah and Aunt Bee because their mother locked her up.
Hope you got a few answers to all of your questions. I tried to give the sheep lady motive to kill Safiyah and Bee. But, then she also has a complete deteste for all of humanity. She broke the laws of what happens to her when she dies. She should be in hell. Now, she can kill at will without any consequence
Given that a funeral can be up to a week after a death, has nothing happened with the sheep lady in this time? A suspicious death would probably be longer too?
Good point. This should've seemed like it took a few days. With the sheep lady mostly wanting Safiyah who's holed up, didn't figure she would do much until she becomes frustrated.
Page 82, the ghost story has now turned into a kind of monster story as the witch becomes more involved. I’m on the fence at this moment....
I know, almost a creature feature at this point. I really tried to drive home that no evil ever gets to stay, because who knows what they could manifest themselves into if they wanted.
If the Witch can find her targets all over town can she not sense that Sammy is not in the bed?
I like to think the witch knew a bit about her earlier targets. Could sense them. She's been wanting to kill them for some time. Jane and sammy were kind of a random kill to prove a point.
Things get proper weird from page 89. Jane kills herself to try and kill the sheep lady/witch right? I like the split/parallel existence in which the witch/sheep lady occupy, this is very good and quite disturbing.
Thanks, this is what most seem to be missing and its the scene I was trying to set up the entire time...
It was just a vehicle sent from hell to bring Jane back. Sheep lady got caught in the middle. Sucked down too. I would figure whatever vehicle comes for Damned souls might be creative. It was black skeletal hands at first. This time, its spiders.
Walter seems a good character yet he’s sparsely used. I’d like to see him play more of a role in the story.
Yeah, he was a new addition to this script and i didn't utilize him enough. Eitherway I'm probably gonna cut the entire opening scene and Walter would get the Axe as well. I tried too hard to make this as much about town history as the core story and seem to have failed. Should've been less ambitious for a first feature.
Thanks again for the read, glad there was some things to like here. Hit me up if you ever need the favor returned...
Just want to throw something out and I will agree 1,000,000% with Balt on this. Standard writing practice always states that there are 2 spaces after a period. Always.
I have always been amazed when I saw people not doing that and was pretty much baffled by this practice.
James, you always stress about double spacing before Slugs (which is correct), I'm surprised you'd be against this...or not aware of it. It really does make the read easier and look cleaner.
Just want to throw something out and I will agree 1,000,000% with Balt on this. Standard writing practice always states that there are 2 spaces after a period. Always.
Obviously, I'm not aware of it. I'm an amateur. I've never been called out about it before, so I found it strange that I was now. Never knew that rule, but will impliment it on my future works...
And I have conformed on the double spacing as well before Slugs. My software didn't automatically do that and it took me some time to figure how to get it to do it all the time. I actually told Ghostie how to do it with MM recently and he was happy as well.
Hey, one of the great things about SS, you can seriously learn something all the time and if you buy into it, everybody's happy.
PART 2 (mind the spelling -- I imported from word on an HP mini)
Juggling 2 scripts, one for entry and another 10 year+ project leads me to many late nights -- hence why I'm here again, after 2 am finishing up my review for your script.
All the technical stuff aside and out of the way -- and there were more, but a lot of it comes down to preference. What I choose to do, maybe you don't. I don't wanna force that on you too much... So, take the advice -- don't take the advice... it's there. Anyways, technicals are all nice and good -- but most people want to hear about their story and if it has legs to stand on and go the distance and all that.
-- Tons and tons to keep up with with this one, James. Back story-Racism claims-kids with heart problems-witches-folklore- and a ton of characters galore.
I was dissapointed that you wrote so well for certain characters and completely dropped the ball on others... Jane and Sammy come to mind here. It pisses me off, because while this read was weighty at times -- it was pretty damn good. I'd easily sit and watch it, and probably enjoy it for what it is. Easily better on paper than 30 to 50% of the stuff you see today.
Jane, Sammy and Mark were, for me, way too forced... While most everything else flowed right off the page in my head. Mark was pretty much the one character I didn't like from the get go. Guy comes over, imposes, drinks beer, tells dick weed jokes and just gushes dicktwist... I don't know if that's how you intended him to be, but that's how he hit me.
some of the stuff going on around page 19 to 25 was pretty pointless. The house stuff. The banter back and forth. It's good to build character and make them believable, and you did this, but I think you did it too much and too often. It's like each character came with their own Diary of dialogue.
Then you have some weird instances where you call the restaurant the "Flying Burrito" and then revert to calling it "FRiday's". I don't get it. Did he run over to Friday's so he didn't have to shit at the "Flying Burriot"? And none of this even needs to be in the story -- it really, really, really doesn't. It would be hard to even get actors to say this shit with a straight face. I can't imagine the amount of takes this one would burn up.
Yeah, all of your mark, tom and jane stuff needs to be heavily trimed or nixed and replaced with something more impactful. It went on way too long and nothing is going on and something should be in place of it by this point.
If you were to cut the intro, nix all Mark and Tom's early on shenanigans -- you could pace the movie more into your favor. This would, however, mean you'd have to find more situations to replace this stuff, but it isn't impossible... and right now, as it stands, there isn't much glue left since you used so much pasting in some pretty unnessassary stuff.
I think I'm in agreements, in retrospect, with Jeff on a number of things he laid out in his crazy detailed review. The intro is one thing this story can stand on without. This story doesn't need that entire 7 page, with bleed over dialogue onto 8, lead in. The story is certainly paced off because of it and if you would cut it -- Your page 37 would become your much needed plot pinch on page 30.
And it works... Why? Because the whole Aunt Bee bit. The Fog on the window, the HELP US thing... That is exactly the imagry you want to hit us in the face with on film, 30 min into the movie. Please consider this. It gives us something to chew on since the movie has been a slow build up to where we are. And I love a slow build up. I don't like the unseen too seen. I get what you're going for and I dig it... but there are certain pinches you have to hit -- and you didn't hit them because your intro. And it did throw the entire script off for me at times.
The script really starts getting to where it needs to on page 44... It was a nice change of pace, but, as Jeff said, I do think there is a certain drop in quality in the 2nd act... but, oddly enough, you come back near the 3rd act and it goes back to being pretty stable again. I don't know if you skip around when you write or what, but it often felt like you had during 30 to 70.
Some of the dialogue on page 52 is pretty outlandish... The Sheriff asking about the crucifix and Safiyah explaining it and then her telling him about getting the Phillips out of the house. I wanted to buy it, but I read it like 2o times and couldn't do it. It felt forced to me.
I do have an issue with the melodraumatic cemetery bits, but it was still a good lead in to strenghten Jane's character -- a much needed one too. I think her dialogue is still a bit weak, but servicible.
Really, from page 80 to the end is pretty good. I didn't stop reading it for a second. It kept me there and kept me wanting to see the conclusion culminate... I think they are easily the strongest pages in the script... Aside from some good stuff on page 13 to right before Mark shows up... Then you had some fantastic dialogue and writing going on with aunt Bee around page 35 and the whole fog in the window bit -- powerful stuff.
All in all, it was a good read. I think it's make a workable flick -- and people would probably turn up for it, man. This is the kind of stuff that sales. You've no doubt got a marketable script here -- yes, some things need to be tweaked. Things need to be ommited. Things need to be rearanged.
I think my biggest hang up was the shifting of the POV stuff -- but not in the way it was for everyone else. I could see that stuff visually -- I just wasn't fully grasping where it was playing into the fold until a bit too late. And maybe that's fine... but if the movie had been paced slightly better, this probably wouldn't have been an issue.
When I read a script I view it as movie time. How many min's is this into the film. Then I compare it to other films of that nature... with this one, as I read it, though, I couldn't help but draw some lines of comparison -- maybe by just my own doing and nothing intentional on your end. But I kept seeing American Horror Story running in my mind while reading this. I couldn't shake it. There were just times when, I couldn't put my finger on it -- but I'll be damned if I wasn't thinking about that show. And I don't even like it...
Some great imagry here. Some very eerie stuff that could be done if filmed and people, the auidence, would love it... I've no doubt. Me, personally, I wouldn't go see this movie in theaters. It's just not my thing. Witches, hauntings and stuff -- I just don't get into those movies. But I would watch it on Netflix or something. And, as I said, probably enjoy it.
James, you have a complete script here... you have finished a feature. You have the blue-print, the foundation and the means to do whatever you can with it... Don't let it go. Don't put it on the back burner. Work on it, send it out... TALK TO PEOPLE!!! If you have the money to have it professionally looked at, do it.
Reading this script solidifes, in the amount of time you've been writing, how far you've come -- I remember reading some of your earlier stuff. I remember reading a Vampire on a Train bit... good stuff, but not near this caliber. Best of luck to you on it.
Just want to throw something out and I will agree 1,000,000% with Balt on this. Standard writing practice always states that there are 2 spaces after a period. Always.
I wonder if there's a format selection you can make to do this automatically. I knocked around on the FD8 menu bar... but came up empty.
E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
I wonder if there's a format selection you can make to do this automatically. I knocked around on the FD8 menu bar... but came up empty.
E.D.
To me, it's just such common knowledge...something everyone learned in school when they were a kid, but thinking about that, I guess it's only because I took a typing class, as we simply "wrote" when I was in school - no computers.
Brett, I'm not sure why you'd need a format selection, as it's just something you (should) do - Period. After a comma, you have a single space. After a period, you have a double space. Once you start doing it...and continue doing it, it should be second nature, just like skipping a line when you start a new passage (paragraph).
Brett, I'm not sure why you'd need a format selection, as it's just something you (should) do - Period. After a comma, you have a single space. After a period, you have a double space. Once you start doing it...and continue doing it, it should be second nature, just like skipping a line when you start a new passage (paragraph).
Well yeah, the second nature point goes without saying... I was curious if there was a menu function that addressed that point. Seems FD8 has a spacing option for everything else.
And I didn't learn on a typewriter, you fossil.
E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
And I didn't learn on a typewriter, you fossil. E.D.
That's funny. I am a fossil...that much is certain.
I am surprised by that article James pulled up. It's dated 2009. If you read the posts at the bottom, it's interesting to see all the other dinosaurs out there.
I guess my comment would be that I'm very surprised that someone or some group would just decide to change something that to me is so basic and has been around since "print" first started.
Bottom line to me is that no one is going to question the use of 2 spaces after a period, but purists and other fossils will definitely see and question the use of only 1 space.
That's funny. I am a fossil...that much is certain.
I am surprised by that article James pulled up. It's dated 2009. If you read the posts at the bottom, it's interesting to see all the other dinosaurs out there.
I guess my comment would be that I'm very surprised that someone or some group would just decide to change something that to me is so basic and has been around since "print" first started.
Bottom line to me is that no one is going to question the use of 2 spaces after a period, but purists and other fossils will definitely see and question the use of only 1 space.
Very interesting however you look at it.
Maybe for turds and titters I'll ask a couple folks I work with if they care at all. I've yet to get dinged by an industry pro for that on my pages. But I do see your point and the typewriter histrionics backs that up.
Yeah you're a fossil alright... Your liver is fossilized with Jager!
And now, back to James's script.
E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
And wow. I never really paid that much attention to spacing after periods. Guess I focus too much on things like, you know, story and what not. :-)
I was raised double spacing after periods, too, and never heard about the rule change until just now.
What's up James? Woohoo! Finally a feature!
I'm only able to jump online an hour or so a day until I get my new computer, (which will be very soon), but I have this one queue'd up and will give a read and post as soon as I can.
That was a great article link, James. I go with one space. I was taught 2 spaces back in the Flintstone age myself(though I've never taken typing, so I'm not even sure where I learned that). But two spaces on the computer, especially on the screenwriting software, just looked like too big of a gap. And since occasionally that method costs a line, I went with one space.
I also paid a high priced consultant on a script, one who APR recommended and who has been involved in the industry for decades. He never once mentioned format. He focused on the story, as should we.
Cole & Hagg format predicts the double space after the period in Movie Outline -- if you are manually doing it, then you would technically have 3 spaces after the period.
The misconception with the double space after the period in this format is truly one space, but in terms of characters on screen it is 2. I'm sorry I brought up the period bit -- to me, and many others, it seems a cluttered read. A tight one. Cramped. I've always done it with 2 spaces and always will.
More over, two screenplays I've studied extensively over the year's: Creepshow & Karate Kid, both are spaced by 2.
Both Creep show & Karate Kid were written in the Cole & Haag format... Same one I use to this day. It's the cleanest format out there... and one of the oldest.
Not saying it's right for you -- just saying it's right for me.
According to the article James posted, this single spacing idea is relatively new, so anything dating back past 2009 or so should have double spacing. Remember, before the advent of the personal computer, scripts were written with a typewriter and or word processor.
I'm with Balt here 100%. Maybe this all needs to be on its own thread? I'm sure James doesn't mind the extra posts and attention, though.
Thanks for the read and continued notes. Just so you know, that article I posted actually does support the argument for double spacing after a period. Because everyone used to use a typewriter and everything was mono-spaced back then. Most fonts on computers proportionately space letters according to their size now. With the exception of Courier, witch still mono-spaces like an old typewriter.
Anywho, Enough with that argument. I think I will adopt it in my future writing.
Quoted from Baltis.
Tons and tons to keep up with with this one, James. Back story-Racism claims-kids with heart problems-witches-folklore- and a ton of characters galore.
I was dissapointed that you wrote so well for certain characters and completely dropped the ball on others... Jane and Sammy come to mind here. It pisses me off, because while this read was weighty at times -- it was pretty damn good. I'd easily sit and watch it, and probably enjoy it for what it is. Easily better on paper than 30 to 50% of the stuff you see today.
Jane and Sammy don't get a whole lot of character development early on, but I think they do as the story progresses. The extra characters and back story were all meant to set-up that moment when jane takes her own life. I failed to set it up according to alot of people, but I would hope it might be easier in a filmed version to understand.
Quoted from Baltis.
Mark was pretty much the one character I didn't like from the get go. Guy comes over, imposes, drinks beer, tells dick weed jokes and just gushes dicktwist... I don't know if that's how you intended him to be, but that's how he hit me.
That's actually what I was trying to do. He is a dick in my mind, but needed and asshole to just show up and tell Tom and Jane their house was inhabited by an evil old woman and scare the shit out of them.
I know, I am rushing to catch up the structure because my seven page opening scene.
Quoted from Baltis.
It's good to build character and make them believable, and you did this, but I think you did it too much and too often. It's like each character came with their own Diary of dialogue.
Just trying to create real people with real problems. I want you to care for them, it ups the tension when I put them in the witches path. That's my belief in horror. I really can't sit through a slasher taking out cooky-cutter colleg kids anymore. Just not my bag.
In a rewrite I will put many of the suggestions from here, yours included, to good use. Yes, much can be trimmed from this early on. Still, I wasn't to0 far behind on getting my turn to act two to hit a little after page 30.
Quoted from Baltis.
I don't know if you skip around when you write or what, but it often felt like you had during 30 to 70.
Much of the middle is story that stayed from the beginning and this was the first thing I ever wrote. Three years ago. I tried to tidy up alot of the writing, but i should've just deleted it and started over.
Quoted from Baltis.
Really, from page 80 to the end is pretty good. I didn't stop reading it for a second. It kept me there and kept me wanting to see the conclusion culminate... I think they are easily the strongest pages in the script... Aside from some good stuff on page 13 to right before Mark shows up... Then you had some fantastic dialogue and writing going on with aunt Bee around page 35 and the whole fog in the window bit -- powerful stuff.
Thanks, I wanted this to be something we haven't seen in awhile, evil actually losing in a horror story. It's not easy to do. Probably shouldn't have attempted it for a first script.
Quoted from Baltis.
Some great imagry here. Some very eerie stuff that could be done if filmed and people, the auidence, would love it... I've no doubt. Me, personally, I wouldn't go see this movie in theaters. It's just not my thing. Witches, hauntings and stuff -- I just don't get into those movies. But I would watch it on Netflix or something. And, as I said, probably enjoy it.
Thanks for the kind words, I did work hard on this, I just lost perspective on it because its been so long since I decided to open it up again and work on it. Plus, I'm a lazy bastard.
Quoted from Baltis.
Don't let it go. Don't put it on the back burner. Work on it, send it out... TALK TO PEOPLE!!! If you have the money to have it professionally looked at, do it.
Reading this script solidifes, in the amount of time you've been writing, how far you've come -- I remember reading some of your earlier stuff. I remember reading a Vampire on a Train bit... good stuff, but not near this caliber. Best of luck to you on it.
Thanks again, Baltis. I do plan on sending this version to pros before i rewrite it completely. Just cleaning it up best i can from all the feedback I've gotten here.
Thanks again, Glad I caught you while you were here. Good luck to you also, man.
Am up to page 50 if this. Just wanted to chime in: I read some of Jeff's review before I started reading, and bits of others.
I just wanna say that I have really got into this from the start. I didn't think the steamboat opening went for too long, I thought the POV bit was done ok. I enjoyed the guy Mark telling the old story and it didn't feel forced or too expositiony to me. The dialogue felt real, the chars real. The interludes with the old black women are done well and all on all I'm digging it.
Oh and I've never heard of the double space after period? Balt, I'm still using the Soph gear you gave me and haven't noticed it. I agree with Kev that a DS would leave a big old gap.
Finished it just now, JDub, in a big iPod session. It's hard writing on this device so will write a few things then add later when on the computer.
I really got into this! Ok, it veered a little at times but it was good. I feel it is quite strong writing up until Tom carks it. It is a bit of a shock. Then the writing loses some momentum - and suspense - the bar scene with James breaks into the flow. And it doesn't do much for the story anyway.
I will continue this later - my pod needs charging!
Finished it just now, JDub, in a big iPod session. It's hard writing on this device so will write a few things then add later when on the computer.
I really got into this! Ok, it veered a little at times but it was good. I feel it is quite strong writing up until Tom carks it. It is a bit of a shock. Then the writing loses some momentum - and suspense - the bar scene with James breaks into the flow. And it doesn't do much for the story anyway.
I will continue this later - my pod needs charging!
How the hell do you read a script on an iPod? Gonna go blind doing that, ya know. Thanks for finishing up. I'll explain the bar scene after you post the rest of your comments, but unfortunately, its relevance has had to have been explained to just about everyone. So it's on me there.
Um, you can read anyting on an Ipod!! The scripts open up in I Reader if u wish!
Ok, some more thoughts on WW:
I reckon, JDub, that this would be better - this is MHO - if you didn't show the gory bits. Ok, you could some but, for instance, when Tom's head came bouncing outof the baasement, to me it instantly became a slaher type story.
As I said earlier, I loved the slow build up you gave us. Mark telling the story of the sheep lady was almost Stephen King like! I know other reviewers thought it went on for too many pages, but I LIKED IT!! It didn't drag at all, and thats good writing.
Anyway, once the witch started killing, it became a little 'paint-by-numbers' (god, I should fucking patent that phrase and retire...), losing some of the magic for me. I'm not a huge horror fan (I loathe the endless slasher flicks - give me the old scary films of years past), but I really dug the back story of this.
Ok, man, better go. i might read back over the other comments and see if I can add stuff at a later date.
Cheers and congrats on getting your first feature done!
This is kind of a meld between two different types of horror to me. I like the slow start and the legend of the sheep lady. Then, the un-seen things like the finger drawing through the condensation in the window. Its an attempt at what Hitchcock always said was good horror.
Once the sheep lady is free'd, and you see the witch for the first time, the eeriness of this is gone. So, I tried to switch gears at that point and make it a tension ride.
Putting Sammy, Tom, and Jane directly in the witch's path. I certainly hope you cared for them more than your average twenty something college kids in slashers. People like to watch slashers because they want to see those kids get killed. They want to see some original ways to off the cast members. They know its coming.
Here, I didn't want you to know it was coming and i wanted you to hate that bitch for what she was doing. Anywho, thanks for the read and I'm glad you liked most of it.
Lemme know if you want a read of your comedy feature whenever its done. Actually, think thats what I'm gonna write next. I'm horror'd out at the moment.
Sorry the long delay in getting round to reading your script, with the OWC being about witches and reading all of them I wanted a few days break before cracking this open.
Firstly, let me state that I’m an amateur who is still learning the game and don’t know merely as much as you but will try my best to be as helpful as possible. Congrats on finishing a feature, never accomplished that feat myself and by the way my script is going down in the OWC, it looks a long way off until I will.
I loved the opening scene on the boat, thought it was well written but by the end this left me with a question as to what other than Walter, meant? I mean, for the 7 pages it used, it had no real relevance to our antag or overall story as far as I could tell, sorry if I missed the point of this.
The first half was slow but good although one scene with Mark and all the back story felt way too long. I didn’t count how many pages it was but it felt long and then I was surprised to never see Mark again, I honestly thought for someone who’s been bonding with Tom and Jane that he would reappear but we never saw him again.
The scene in the high school was relevant by the end but it seemed to again introduce us to characters we would never see again apart from Alexa who comes in at the very end although I was left a bit puzzled by that I have to say. Why was she down the well?
James was a very weird character and came off as confusing, he made an appearance in the first 20 pages, disappeared until the bar, was attacked and then disappeared again. I failed to find his connection with the overall plot and again, sorry if I missed it.
We seemed to skip time or the witch took a break because after Tom was killed, we had the swat team outside ready to burst in. We then moved to the hospital with Jane, then we seemed to skip to Tom’s funeral which would have been days at least in between these events and it raises the question of what was the witch doing in between this time? Why wasn’t it attacking people or Jane then?
My biggest gripe would be the witch I guess, apologies but I’m sure how to say it. The first 70 pages, this felt like a “The Ring” type horror with some spooky goings on and scary moments happening. Then the hospital scene came in at the end and the horror changed direction to more action monster horror which kinda fell flat for me for some reason, it didn’t fit in with the first 70 pages. It’s just personal taste I guess in this type of horror for me, I like the less you can see element because when you see the witch for all its glory fighting cops, the horror element was lost on me. Felt like two different horror genre’s coming together and it didn’t work for me.
Although it feels like there’s been a lot I haven’t liked, I want to state that I did enjoy this on the whole and think you’ve done a fine job. I think Jane and Bee were good characters and I loved some of earlier horror going on with the witch. Scenes like the condensation on the windows, and the death of Bee were well executed and I liked how you used the storm to good effect to enhance that scene at Bee’s house.
I also enjoyed the ending with Jane sacrificing herself to save her son and I think it worked well as it ties in with the earlier discussion in the classroom about suicide.
Although it would be easy to forget that scene in the classroom, maybe a more exciting incident needs to happen in that scene to keep it on the readers mind.
These are the notes I took during the read and to be honest, I couldn’t find much. A great compliment to your writing and proofreading I guess.
P. 1 You've named Walter but not the father?
P. 3 I wonder whether this should be man instead of husband? Just due to the fact we can't see him as her husband in the scene?
P. 4 Maybe change "off screen" to (o.s). Same effect and saves space.
You have an interesting way of writing, a lot periods instead of comma's in the action. This isn’t to my personal taste as I feel it slows down the read but we all have different styles don’t we.
P.5 Question...is underwater okay for a slug? Guess it would be.
Seven feet of water seems a bit precise to me. Why not just deep water?
Again, "wife" instead of woman but I think I understand why you've done this because there is an awful lot of intro's of different characters here and they need some individuality.
P. 6 P.O.V's are tricky but I thought yours should have ended before the skeletal hands drag him under.
P. 9 “dinning” believe it’s “dining” Maybe a different spelling across the sea which is possible.
P.10 The first time I’ve seen the (BG) technique used in a spec script that I remember. I’ve read about it but have never seen it, seems like an unused writing technique.
P. 12 “They drive up into an intersection” Feel “up” is unnecessary in this sentence.
P. 17 “She wiggles passed Jane” Should this be pass or past instead of passed?
P.20 “grabs her bags” Should it be bag? How many bags do kids have? It’s just when I was at school everyone carried one bag.
P.27 “Tom and mark cheers” Mark isn’t capped. Also felt “then” was redundant here” could just be “down their shots”
Have to say that this whole scene with Mark feels too long IMO, it has some great back story and it’s well done. I mean I’m not having any problems with the dialogue but it just feels a tad long.
P. 32 What’s with the photographs? Is Mark showing photo’s to them or are they just photos thrown over the shot? This sequence felt out of place to me. I actually think believe it would better without the photos but that’s just a personal opinion.
P. 33 “Go to baaaaaed” Liked this, funny.
P. 37 “HELP US” A nice visual this scene, very spooky.
P. 44 I didn’t understand why (O.S) was used here on the phone call? You’ve use (V.O) before and after.
P.45 Witches P.O.V? Have we met the witch? Did I miss that?
P. 62 I had to go back and check out James, At first thought you hadn’t capped him on first intro but obviously he was intro’d earlier in the script. He’s disappeared for a long time.
P.65 Would James really go for his coat in this situation?
P.66 Should officers be capped?
P. 71 What happened with the swat team?
P.72 “Jane looks passed” should this be looks past?
P. 74 “Meliah returns with Jane’s Coffee” Don’t think coffee needs to be capped here.
P.82 “Security gaurd” this should be guard. It’s spelt wrong throughout this scene.
Overall it was well written and a quick read, like I say, all the periods in the action isn’t for me but it never truly harmed the read. I was left a bit confused about certain aspects and characters of the story by the end but liked how Jane sacrificed herself to save her son.
Again, apologies for taking so long to getting round to this.
The Sheep lady was local folklore. She was just an old woman who had an eccentric love for her animals. I turned her into a nasty witch who pulls tongues out. Again, I crammed everything i could about this town into the story. The real sheep lady, who lived in the neighborhing town, was nothing but a kind old woman. worked at the library. I feel I may have overstepped my boundaries. The sheep lady even has her own fan page on facebook. Look it up.
I dunno, honestly. If I shot a trailer for this, would you think I would be doing an injustice to her? I'm hell bent on doing it, just to have some fun. Nobody from Willowick has seen this script yet. not that it will mean much. But, I just wanted to write a horror story about my hometown.
Steve,
Thanks for the read. I'll get to your points tomorrow. Thanks! It's almost 6am here and I'm still up. When I stop drinking, I shall remove the Captain Morgan avatar...
I don't think the whole "sheep thing" brought that much to the table. I think you could easily drop it and work out a totally new backstory for the witch that has a much more diabolical slant to it. You know, killin' hobos, drifters, orphans, etc. Whatever. But if you do, I would suggest strongly tying that backstory to the paddleboat tragedy in order to make that scene more relevant.
Sorry the long delay in getting round to reading your script,
Sorry for what? can't even remember if I've read anything from you. Sorry to hear your OWC was a dud. I've been there. That fucken Ryan Always wins anywho.
Congrats on finishing a feature, never accomplished that feat myself and by the way my script is going down in the OWC, it looks a long way off until I will.
No kidding. You really need to carefully choose what you write about before you dedicate yourself to weeks of writing. It took me three years to write this turd. I'm going comedy next. I truly believe that's where my blood is.
I loved the opening scene on the boat, thought it was well written but by the end this left me with a question as to what other than Walter, meant? I mean, for the 7 pages it used, it had no real relevance to our antag or overall story as far as I could tell, sorry if I missed the point of this.
was just to drive home the point that evil souls don't get to stay. And i wanted to pay homage to this particular disaster. It was a miss.
The scene in the high school was relevant by the end but it seemed to again introduce us to characters we would never see again apart from Alexa who comes in at the very end although I was left a bit puzzled by that I have to say. Why was she down the well?
I never thought this scene was so much of a stretch as everyone is calling it out to be. My protag is the teacher. It's her understanding of sin that I'm trying to drive home here. Alexa does reappear in a cheap like sequel intro. I figure if any studio wanted to spend the dough to make this, they will want sequel benefits on name alone. So, instead of letting some hack put it in there, I threw my own in.
Trust me, I'm done with this story at this point...
James was a very weird character and came off as confusing, he made an appearance in the first 20 pages, disappeared until the bar, was attacked and then disappeared again. I failed to find his connection with the overall plot and again, sorry if I missed it.
Shit! Nobody got the point of James. He is disposable. I was just trying to show that the witch was afraid to kill him. Because he was hell-bound, Something waits for him to die. Something the witch can see, but nobody else. Tis why she backs off. Tis why when Jane summons these demons by killing herself, they take the witch too. I went for way too big of story here.
We seemed to skip time or the witch took a break because after Tom was killed, we had the swat team outside ready to burst in. We then moved to the hospital with Jane, then we seemed to skip to Tom’s funeral which would have been days at least in between these events and it raises the question of what was the witch doing in between this time? Why wasn’t it attacking people or Jane then?
There was a couple day lapse in time. I hope that would come across on film. The witch truly wants Safiyah who is bunkered up in her shop. When the witch becomes frustrated, she vows to kill innocents until Safiyah gives herself up. That's why she goes after Jane and Sammy without motivation.
My biggest gripe would be the witch I guess, apologies but I’m sure how to say it. The first 70 pages, this felt like a “The Ring” type horror with some spooky goings on and scary moments happening. Then the hospital scene came in at the end and the horror changed direction to more action monster horror which kinda fell flat for me for some reason, it didn’t fit in with the first 70 pages. It’s just personal taste I guess in this type of horror for me, I like the less you can see element because when you see the witch for all its glory fighting cops, the horror element was lost on me. Felt like two different horror genre’s coming together and it didn’t work for me.
Quite right. I did attempt to meld two different horror codes here. hitchcock always preached that the things we can't see, scare us the most. Once the witch is present, I just tried to make it a tension piece. Yes, she becomes a monster at this point.
Although it would be easy to forget that scene in the classroom, maybe a more exciting incident needs to happen in that scene to keep it on the readers mind.
I'm all ears here. I have several friends that are teachers. Not a fucken one of them could help me come up with an idea to spark off the conversation of suicide in a classroom. I did the best I could on my own.
Thanks for the page by page notes. I owe ya. Gonna go down the list and see things I may have fuckered up.
Sorry you didn't like it. It is a major chore for me to read and review a feature. I honestly suck at it. But, I owe ya. PM me your OWC entry. Would like to read it. If it really sucks, don't bother because I'll tell ya. .
Love honesty. will live and die by it. I will never be offended by it. So long as it holds water. You brought up many sticking points here that others have had.
Sent this for professional coverage Thursday. When I get the notes, I will post them here. But, I doubt they will be as insightful as the reviews I'm already lucky enough to have.
So I do recall looking over the opening pages, seems a while ago. Good job on seeing it through, good job on keeping it below 100 pages.
Those vaguely-remembered pages serve as my primary introduction to the story, as I have read very little of the prior comments -- other than glancing over Jeff's posts to ensure there was no trouble brewing. You know how that goes.
This reads pretty smooth, and I do not have a ton of notes on it, reading primarily for pleasure once I realized it was already in fairly decent shape.
The opening is strong, tight, and well-written, except for that odd "POV of the Damned". Folks are right that this unconventional slug is not working right. Perhaps you could spend a line or two introducing this unknown character; show him to us, and call him by name: THE DAMNED. Then you can use POV of the Damaned all you want. And if that is not what you mean, go ahead and give us an unfilmable sentence telling us what you mean. It's OK. Just don't do it all the time. But I am not really sure what purpose this serves for the story, as I kept expecting this character to return, and I am not at all sure that they did.
The introduction of Walter is interesting, though you fail to give him a formal introduction. We can intuit his age, but you fail to give us an age range for James just a bit later. And this whole subplot with James never really builds to anything except a bit of exposition that could surely be delivered through more expedient means.
The introduction of Mark feels similarly random, and personally, I was not a big fan of the first-date story. But the larger problem here is nearly 10 pages of conversation before we get to the flashback, and a good chunck of this conversation does not even involve Jane at all! And she is our main girl. And then Mark never even comes back into the story?!
Snip, snip big-time all the way through this kitchen scene if you ask me. What a waste of space this stuff.
I do like what you have going on with Bee. Up to page 40 or so, her character is by far the most compelling to me, and you are doing a good job with her. So of course you go and kill her right off. Sigh. I'll come back to that.
On page 48 you have a very specific problem when you describe "the witch" standing at the window, as you have failed to describe any witch up to this point. But apart from that, the tension is building very well.
I am thinking page 61 is way too late to be introducing new characters. Ends up being a nice little scene, but again with this "witch" that you never introduced in the first place.
Now I am thinking page 71 is way too later to be introducing new characters. And I am not sure what this graveyard scene, a bit heavy on the melodrama, is really doing to move this story forward.
By the time you actually get around to describing the sheep lady, it is a great description. I think you should give it to us earlier. And all of this stuff in the hospital is handled well, and quite good. I can buy into everything the characters are doing and think the payoff is satisfactory.
So, the primary problem with this script in its current form is wasteful and wasted characters. Mark, James, and probably a few others I cannot recall are "wasteful". Your method of making a PDF does not allow me to do specific searches of the document, so I cannot go back and pluck them out for you. Bee, and probably Walter, and maybe Tom, are "wasted".
Now, I understand James and Mark are there to deliver exposition and backstory, but you need to find a better way to do that than a 10-page scene where they are sitting around the kitchen table.
To a certain extent your boat accident up front sets a lot of this up, and you are encouraged to exploit that scenario to a greater extent when setting up some of these revelations. At the very least, it seems those pages would be better spent with Jane researching and discovering some of these mysteries on her own.
Maybe do not lose Bee so fast -- and actually give Janet a few interactions with her. The character of Bee is certainly more compelling than the character of Mark. Way more. And that is probably a better way to deliver some of the information you want us to have.
You can use Walter to the same effect here. Have Sammy give information to Jane from his imaginary friend and totally weird her out. How creepy could that be? A lot creepier than Mark pounding beers and talking about poop, I can tell you that.
This is honestly pretty good on the whole, though. I am harping on just a handful of negatives here. You have lots of tense and effective scenes, and mostly good pacing.
The take-home message for this one is to lose the bland characters delivering backstory -- and instead make better use of the interesting characters you already have, and let them do the heavy lifting with this backstory.
I received coverage for this today and I'm not gonna post the five pages of notes. Needless to say it got a pass. Much because of what other readers have already said including you. Too many characters. Not enough focus on the core story.
But, I will give a shout out to screenplayreaders.com. Heard mixed reviews about them, but I was very pleased with my readers insight.
I've nixed the POV OF THE DAMNED thing. It's HIS POV, WITCH'S POV, and the ending scene between Jane and the Sheep Lady is now INT. ICU HALLWAY - PORTAL.
The reader didn't mtntion it and got the story, so I guess it works.
Not gonna quote you as much as the others. The thing that makes me happiest about your review is that I don't have much explaining to do. You seem to have gotten what I was trying to do.
The sub-plot with James is a sloppy one. Although, to me, that scene in the bar is gratuitous horror, it's still effective IMO. I just wanted to show that the witch was afraid of what looms over James.
You didn't like the "Shit my pants" story? Ha, I"m surprised only a few had problems with this. I expected everyone to. This was also mentioned in coverage. It takes too long and throws off the structure. Anyhow, that's just me and a bit of my potty humour. I know, it does not serve this story well.
I'll admit, i never once sat down and plotted my turning points and what page they should happen on. So the structure here is a bit of a mess and took too long to get going.
Walter was on the boat at the opening. I did intro him. Mark, on the otherhand, was very convenient means of explaining the back-story of the sheep lady. Many had problems with this scene. And Mark who was never seen again.
When you first see the witch, she is back-lit by lightning. I didn't convey this well, but you really don't see any of her features until the scene in the ICU. When she stands, plain as day, in bright flourescent lighting. That scene needs fixed.
I like your idea about walter telling the story of the witch to Sammy. He could then convey it to Jane, and yes, that would be creepier.
I don't know if you had time to read the two-page rough draft of the trailer we plan to shoot for this in the spring. I think I posted the link on page two of the comments here. I'm trying to think out of the box.
I am going to leave this script in its current form because it is very much about the town I grew up in. I hope the trailer we shoot goes semi-viral. If the script gets attention, I will cut it down to the core story, Like everyone would've preferred.
Can't thank you enough, Bert. You're one of my fave writers here. I very much appreciate your comments, and hey, I'm very pleased that you enjoyed this for the most. I don't want to ask someone to read my story thinking it would be work. Just hope they can enjoy the ride and have some insight after. As you did...
James, sorry this has been taking me so long. The problem is with my schedule, not the script.
Up to about p64 now.
I have had no problems with the writing at all, and the dialogue is generally decent to good.
I absolutely think you can whip this into shape with another strong pass at a rewrite. You do create some effectively scary scenes.
Where I think it needs improvement is along the lines I mentioned in discussing the opening scene. This has the feel of a novel, with a lot of characters, each with kind of their own story line.
We have Safiyah and the old ladies who have some knowledge of combating what has turned out to be a powerful witch. We have James, the racist...coroner?...why is a coroner trying to solve a crime? Anyway, he's got his thing. We got the Sheriff. And we got Walter and Jane's family. I'm not sure if the answer is to eliminate one of these angles or just reduce it. Part of the issue comes from the opening sequence which doesn't seem to connect with any great import. Maybe without that, the number of story lines is not an issue.
On page 58, when they are escaping the house, I didn't really understand why she was carrying Sammy, which seemed to create a struggle. And then he passed out or something. I wasn't sure why.
The witch seems cool. Obviously at some point I hope it's revealed what she's all about, what she wants, where she comes from.
The story is eminently worth pursuing. Definitely some good stuff in here.
Thanks for the bump, Kev, although I have no problem with this loitering at the bottom of the boards.
This seems to be a tough script to understand in one sitting. Even more so if you break it up into sections. Every scene was meant to have a purpose and even though it got shot down in coverage, I could tell the reader did like much of this.
On page 58, when they are escaping the house, I didn't really understand why she was carrying Sammy, which seemed to create a struggle. And then he passed out or something. I wasn't sure why.
Sammy has dialated cardiomyopathy. It is a congenital disease that effects children. I set up this scene, hopefully, by Dr. Hughes who says to keep the level of stress in Sammy's life to a minimum. Sammy needs a heart transplant. See where I'm going, yet?
When Sammy sees his father murdered, he goes into end stage failure. By stress.
hopefully you can make it through. on page 80, this turns into more of a creature feature than anything else. But, it's full of action.
Always, cheers. And you know you can email me anything new and I will give it a look right quick...
I'm really into it so far. I'm up to page 52 this morning and wouldn't have stopped if I could've helped it. I'm hoping to catch some time alone later on this afternoon and I should be able to finish it then.
Here's just some thoughts that have jumped out at me so far during the read.
- I liked the opening scene. Good, strong images. My only complaint would be the V.O. I think you know that I'm actually a fan of V.O., and I liked Safiyah's. It set a good tone and remained in synch with the action. However, I do feel it carried on just a bit long and became too expository. I'd probably recommend to end it at her saying "...the only evil we've known to cheat death came here... But, I guess it was good a place as any." The voiceover dialogue beyond that kind of broke the spell I was under.
- Very very very interesting setup, especially with Sammy meeting Walter. I am curious about that scene, though? What's Walter wearing in that scene? The same clothes from the steamboat wreck?
There's definately some good pieces you're putting in place for some great drama later on. (Such as Sammy's heart condition, and the well.)
- Pg. 16. - Why have the school bell ring at the coroner's office? I understand what you were trying to do, but even in the next scene, class hasn't started yet. It's just kind of weird to have a miscellaneous bell. Maybe have the bell ring between scenes on pg. 17, that way, it'll be ushering the kids into the classroom.
(Also, some thirty-something pages later, Alexa and the algebra teacher are still missing from the script. Are they going to be coming back into play? You spent a great deal of time on them. (P.S. - Don't answer that. It was a rhetorical question. I'll find out when I finish. I just wanted to note that they disappeared for awhile.)
- Pg. 36. - Sorry, but I couldn't help laughing... Aunt Bee. Now I have the woman from the Andy Griffith Show forever etched into my mind to play her part.
- Pg. 47. - Thought I'd bring something up about Meliah. You've written her like she's a teenager. Isn't she 52? It seems she'd act a little more mature than you have her and they'd treat her a little more like an adult. Wouldn't she have a little more of an understanding of the situation, rather than just keep asking what's going on and acting like a little girl all the time? Even Mark, who's younger than Meliah, knows the story of the sheep lady. Wouldn't Meliah have heard the story, especially if her family was in the thick of it? Even the realtor knew.
But it's a great read so far. Pretty solid writing... a fast-paced story... suspense. Can't wait to finish it.
I really wish I could read this all in one setting.
Pg. 54 - If you call 911 for an intruder, isn't dispatch supposed to stay on the line with you? I'm not sure exactly, but it sounds like it'd be a ground rule. Just stuck out to me.
Pg. 58 - I don't know how it would work onscreen, but reading the SLOW MOTION part really slowed down the pace of my read, also. Not saying that it wouldn't work, but that's a pretty fast-paced scene and the SLO MO got in the way of the action as I was reading.
Pg. 72 - I got a very satisfied feeling at Tom's funeral and the way Jane dealt with her dad.
All right... those were the notes as I was reading.
In general, I had a very satisfied feeling at the end of the script. I think you tied the story up well. I understood everything that was going on as I read without having to double back at all and I understood everything at the end without any questions. (Besides what Walter was wearing in the scene that Sammy meets him.)
I can't say I had a very good image of the witch in my head. Until she died, that is. You explained her in the hospital, with the goat coat and what not, but was that what she was wearing earlier in the scenes where she appeared. I only remember seeing 'dark figure'.
And I thought she could only travel through the tunnels in the well. Just because the century house's well was capped, wouldn't she be able to come out someone else's if it wasn't sealed with the trapment spell. Then after she gets out, she goes to a bunch of places where she wouldn't have been able to come out of wells. The hospital, the bar. Maybe I misunderstood her rules, but I thought she could only travel through the well tunnels.
I also think there's some unnecessary characters, like the algebra teacher who welcomed Jane. He added nothing to the story (that I see) except to prove that Jane is a new teacher at that school. (Something we learned in the next scene anyway.)
Meliah didn't add anything to the story either, I don't think. Safiyah and Bee did everything. Meliah would just be an over-paid extra, it seems.
Mark was only filler and only served as exposition for the sheep lady story. It seems you can mingle his character in with the REALTOR's that shows them the house.
Then, there's necessary characters who need fleshed out more because they're so forgettable, like James. Something needs to be added to make him stand out more.
Then there's Alexa, who's only here so if your movie becomes a hit, there's a way to make a sequel out of it. (I liked Alexa, though. If there is a sequel, I'd watch it just because I liked her character. And I HATE sequels.)
Either fixing up or deleting all those characters will bring out your story a little bit better, I think.
I liked the setting in 'Willowick'. It sounds like a place not too far away from where I live. :-) Seriously, though, I did like the atmosphere and you made me want to travel and hang out in the town for a day or two, get a feel for it.
While I read this in a breeze, some of the writing could use a bit of an edit. Not just for typos, but just to make the action descriptions read a little bit tighter, get rid of a couple extaneous words and what not. If you need some exact examples, I'll go back, pick out a couple pages or so, and show you what I mean.
Also, I think there might be a couple too many ESTABLISHING shots, especially when we've already been to that location before. If you cut out the EXT'S and get right into the scene, it would keep the action flowing even quicker.
But, even though some work, those are probably actually very easy fixes. I don't believe there's any plotholes or any heavy heavy rewriting you need to clean this up.
Going back and browsing through a couple other people's thoughts, it seems some might not have followed the storyline (especially Walter's) as well as I did. I didn't have any problems following that, and I do think seeing it onscreen would make everything a little easier to follow with the existential part of the story. (I'm pretty sure existential is the word I'm going for. I'm not too sure I spelled it right, though.)
I also see you wrote a trailer for this and put up a link about the sheep lady. I'll check those out after dinner.
Hmm. If she was a real person, though, I wonder if you get this filmed, you'll need some sort of permission to use her persona. I haven't read about her yet, but since she sounds a little bit like a myth, it might be okay.
But great job on this, James. You know horror really isn't my thing (anymore), but you wrote a really enjoyable script here that I never lost interest in at any point.
How are things in Youngstown? I think you guys made one of the shit lists just recently like fastest declining populations or something like that. I'll have to check lol.
Huge thanks for the read. I saw a newer feature of yours roaming the boards from time to time and will give it a look as soon as I have time
You bring up some good points in your posts. Yes, the V.O. does spill on to the next scene, I tried to do that to establish our protag right out of the gate because I'm seven pages in now.
Walter's appearance is the same, I just forgot to describe that.
Good point about the school bell spilling over. the Algebra teacher was there to help establish that it was the first day of school. Alexa does return, as you now know, but her scene with jane was more to establish Jane's thoughts on suicide and Sins. Again, Alexa returns for the sequel, haha. Figured if producers are gonna dump this kind of dough on a film, they'll want to reap sequel benefits if its good. So i wrote it in there for them.
Meliah played a much large part in the first draft. She still remains, but is a cuttable character for sure. I didn't think her calling her Momma was a huge stretch, especially when she gets the shit scared out of her, but i could be wrong.
Pg. 54 - If you call 911 for an intruder, isn't dispatch supposed to stay on the line with you? I'm not sure exactly, but it sounds like it'd be a ground rule. Just stuck out to me.
I believe that, if they were surely in harm's way. But Jane didn't clarify that they were sure, just heard a noise in the basement.
The Slow Motion thing was pretty well complimented here and its just my suggesting to a film maker to show that Sammy's heart is about to fail.
I can't say I had a very good image of the witch in my head. Until she died, that is. You explained her in the hospital, with the goat coat and what not, but was that what she was wearing earlier in the scenes where she appeared. I only remember seeing 'dark figure'.
Guilty, i just wanted her to be a featureless silhouette until the hospital. I need to clear that up in the script.
And I thought she could only travel through the tunnels in the well. Just because the century house's well was capped, wouldn't she be able to come out someone else's if it wasn't sealed with the trapment spell. Then after she gets out, she goes to a bunch of places where she wouldn't have been able to come out of wells. The hospital, the bar. Maybe I misunderstood her rules, but I thought she could only travel through the well tunnels.
Hmm, interesting, I never recall laying down those rules for her. She kills the families in the fifties by coming through their wells, yes. But that was to add creepiness to the story. She didn't have to break down the front door because she already had access to their homes. I did explain should could move through darkness instantly.
Gotcha about the unnecesary characters. Heard that through all of these reviews.
Then, there's necessary characters who need fleshed out more because they're so forgettable, like James. Something needs to be added to make him stand out more.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to ditch Mark and Give James some more screen time. I'm probably gonna have him be the one who tells Tom and Jane about the sheep lady. Make you hate him a bit more. That was my goal with him.
Seriously, though, I did like the atmosphere and you made me want to travel and hang out in the town for a day or two, get a feel for it.
If you're ever in town I will buy you a pint. It's not as small town as I make it seem though. It's just a bunch of small houses and mostly small businesses in a pretty good neighborhood.
Hmm. If she was a real person, though, I wonder if you get this filmed, you'll need some sort of permission to use her persona. I haven't read about her yet, but since she sounds a little bit like a myth, it might be okay.
When you read the link, let me know how close you think my story is. She was just local folklore about the neighboring town, so I made her into a witch. I never used her real name, but i may be stepping on some toes. I would obviously make anyone interested in making this aware of it ahead of time.
Thanks again for the read Mark. I'm glad you liked it. It's a mixed bag for sure. I'm also glad you understood most of it and got what I was trying to set up.
Lol. That sounds right, the most declining population. (I didn't write 2911.21 for nothing.) I can't tell you how many abandoned houses there are around.
We're also pushing hard to become number one in homicides again. There's been 9 or 10 this year so far. (Two of them were on my street. I'm a witness to one of them. I happened to be walking home from work when they fired on him.) If we keep up at this rate, we should hit 40 by the end of the year.
But anyway...
It wasn't Meliah calling her mother 'Momma' that made me think of her as a teenager necessarily. Just her as a whole seemed really immature throughout.
Hmm... about the rule that the sheep lady has to come up through an open well. Maybe just because that's how she did it in the 50's, that's why I thought it was an automatic rule. My bad.
Quoted from jwent
If you're ever in town I will buy you a pint.
A pint? A pint?! That's like a shot to me! I want a friggin barrel of rum if we ever kick it. (Just kidding, by the way. I don't drink so much anymore, so the pint'll get me quite buzzy.)
Sorry I haven't had the chance to check out the Sheep Lady link, yet, but I'll let you know what I think when I watch it. Probably in the morning.
Quoted from jwent
It's a mixed bag for sure.
I don't think it's as much of a mixed bag as you think. I think it was great and entertaining. Just a little sprucening and there might not be any flaws at all.
No pressure on 'Thistles'. Although I am going to be tackling a rewrite of it in the next couple weeks, as soon as I get Final Draft downloaded on this new laptop. I'm putting together a plan right now that might help me get it made.
But, like I said, don't feel any pressure to have to read it.
I try to keep an eye out for feature work from regulars, especially work that gets a decent buzz going. Yours seems to have done so in fairly short order and what can I say? The story sounded interesting enough and indeed, I was able to get through it. I've been finding more and more reason to put features down nowadays.
Some notes for you to start.
- Your script is the first time I've seen SUPER appear at the end of scenes as opposed to the beginning. I don't see anything wrong with this, particularly. It does seem to simulate actual films a little more than usual. I did find it somewhat jarring though and occasionally, it threw me off course.
- I've come to realize vague character names like MAN, HUSBAND, FATHER, etc. don't work. They become downright problematic when the number of characters is on the high end. Here is no different. I find it helps to name nameless characters after their physical attributes. For example, you could name the one dude after his hat. I've seen in done and it works. But it's only one of many solutions to the problem. You might come up with something better.
pg. 15 - Racist and bigot might not be exactly the same thing but I don't think they're different enough for one to use both words to describe the same person. Pick one.
- Bert is one of many superfluous characters. I see what you're trying to do. Jane suddenly looks much better when she's got a backdrop of a cynical, disinterested coworker. But she doesn't show up in the classroom again so it really doesn't matter either way. I'd consider whether or not this scene is necessary.
- I'm not a fan of Jane's response to the suicide question. I understand you want to set up for the ending and with that it mind, I don't think this works. It's a wishy washy answer. "I suppose some Christians might feel that way... I suppose..." If you think Jane's rejection of God's forgiveness in the end is important, which, having read the comments in this thread, I think you do, Jane should flat out say it's a mortal sin.
pg. 20 - Don't understand why Jane sends Alexa to the office. For asking questions? Even with offending the other student, I though this was overkill.
- "God's rules are all sugar and spice until it affects someone you know." - Not a fan of this line. It doesn't really get the point across nor does it seem like something a teenager would say. I'd rephrase.
- Does this girl Lacy do anything in this scene at all? I don't get what her significance is.
pg. 23 - Lose the "serious personal problems" bit. They just met this dude, after all. "Welcome to our home" gets the idea across just fine.
- Not a fan of the shit story. I see this type of exposition every once in a while and it tends not to work. I know it's supposed to establish levity/down-to-earthness/whatever but it doesn't. No matter how you slice it, shitting in your pants isn't charming and I know for damn sure, Tom wouldn't have told her about it. Who would?
pg. 27 - "What a fucking prick." - Seems like a presumptuous thing to say. Again, they just met.
- Also, it feels like a cheap device to have the father say something like this. Is he a Nazi or something? WTF? I don't buy it.
- Mark is 47? Definitely doesn't act like it.
- This scene goes on for way to long, honestly? I'd cut down the shit story and the chitchat in favor of the Sheep Lady story.
- BTW, Sheep Lady? Not the greatest of names. It's one step down from Sheep Woman, which would've been preferable, frankly. Yalda's not the greatest name either. I think in your case, the name is important. It should inspire fear.
I also think you should give all the exposition on the witch at once. Not half now, half later as is currently the case. Build some dread, dude.
pg. 53 - You don't need a whisper parenthetical for every line. Just the first two. Save yourself some space.
- You're really stingy with your descriptions of the witch. I think this is a mistake. You don't need much but give us something to get under our skin.
pg. 65 - There are whispers? You can't see whispers. You need to find a better way to word this.
...
Believe it or not, these are about all the notes I took. I try to avoid proofreading and making too many format-related nitpicks. Your script does need a closer look as far as this stuff is concerned but I wouldn't say it was atrocious or anything. So the good news is that my gripes with the script were not by way of nitpicks.
Unfortunately, I had many gripes with the script. I thought the majority of it was extremely underdeveloped. The backstory of the witch isn't particularly interesting and you don't seem to be particularly interested in it either. You even say she's supposed to be pure evil. I'm only inferring this but indeed, your bad guy really seems to have been glossed over. The first half of the script is mainly exposition and character development and very little actually pertains to the witch. This is no good, especially since there seems to be a lot of visual flair when things get going. I loved the skeletal hands at the beginning, the spiders at the end, the scattered gore. It's fun stuff and if you beefed up the atmosphere, I think it could be scary stuff as well.
What also seems to have been glossed over is Jane's relationship with her parents. It's brought up twice, as far as I can tell. When it's brought up, it's with an appropriate amount of attention. I don't think it was your intention to downplay it but it is downplayed. As it seems to be a significant part of the story, I'd try to develop it further. The suicide element could be developed further as well.
The one thing I feel you got right is the family dealing with Sammy's disease. I think you can take that as far as you want but as of now, it sits reasonably well. Unfortunately, I didn't much care for the more casual elements of the family. Their more normal dynamics were frankly not charming, funny or endearing. On the contrary, I found them typical, dull and corny, right down to Tom calling his son "champ" and the "Shake your Bottle" song. With the exception of the shit story, they just kind of came off as wholesome American squares. It was actually kind of excruciating.
The impression I got was that you tried too hard to make them relatable. If you added more flaws and idiosyncrasies to them, it'd help remedy the issue.
Perhaps the biggest problem in the script was the abundance of utterly disposable characters. Walter is the most so as it seems he was supposed to play an important role but he didn't. I imagine you had some specific intentions for him but they were not fully realized IMO. I'd work on him, first and foremost.
The others... James, Mark, Nancy, etc. Not really sure why the fuck they're here. I think you can do something about that. A problem I run into a lot with scripts is too many characters. Many that need to be done away with. I can say that fortunately, your characters don't take up too much space. I didn't feel confused or overwhelmed by them. I think you can develop all of them without cutting out too much.
I'd also like to see more of Safiyah and co. Unlike the others, they played a prominent role in the script. I enjoyed them as a unit and would like to see them further developed and integrated into the story. Namely, I'd like to see them have more direct contact with the family. As of now, they seem to be more like passive observers than anything.
Anyway, congrats on finishing your first feature. I think you've got a lot to work with at this point. But as it is now, it feels like it's all over the place. I think you've got a lot to manage. Characters, plot, themes, etc. I'd take your time working on this stuff. It doesn't seem like anything that can be fixed overnight.
Your script is the first time I've seen SUPER appear at the end of scenes as opposed to the beginning. I don't see anything wrong with this, particularly. It does seem to simulate actual films a little more than usual. I did find it somewhat jarring though and occasionally, it threw me off course.
Maybe I'm not doing it right, but its the first time its been mentioned. I felt you should set the scene before you add a SUPER.
I've come to realize vague character names like MAN, HUSBAND, FATHER, etc. don't work. They become downright problematic when the number of characters is on the high end. Here is no different.
I didn't want to bog down the beginning with too much description of disposable characters. I relied on the hope that anytime the reader saw MAN or WOMAN capped, they were a new character. They show up and disappear so quickly in the opening scene.
Racist and bigot might not be exactly the same thing but I don't think they're different enough for one to use both words to describe the same person. Pick one.
Bert is one of many superfluous characters. I see what you're trying to do. Jane suddenly looks much better when she's got a backdrop of a cynical, disinterested coworker. But she doesn't show up in the classroom again so it really doesn't matter either way. I'd consider whether or not this scene is necessary.
I was really just trying to use Bert to set up that this was the very first day of school. I was hoping to set up the shock value of when Alexa drops the bomb about the girl hanging herself over the summer.
I'm not a fan of Jane's response to the suicide question. I understand you want to set up for the ending and with that it mind, I don't think this works. It's a wishy washy answer. "I suppose some Christians might feel that way... I suppose..." If you think Jane's rejection of God's forgiveness in the end is important, which, having read the comments in this thread, I think you do, Jane should flat out say it's a mortal sin.
You're right. Jane's rejection of God's forgiveness is more important than the sin itself. But, in her final monolugue before she pulls the trigger, she tells God she began to believe he never existed. She lost faith. So, at this point in the story, i don't think jane believes that at all. She just understands the rules.
Not a fan of the shit story. I see this type of exposition every once in a while and it tends not to work. I know it's supposed to establish levity/down-to-earthness/whatever but it doesn't. No matter how you slice it, shitting in your pants isn't charming and I know for damn sure, Tom wouldn't have told her about it. Who would?
You're not the first to hate this. Some have actually really liked it. It is a major chunk of dialogue and not charming at all, but I thought I did manage to make Tom seem genuine. He just couldn't hurt her feelings and let her sit there.
Also, it feels like a cheap device to have the father say something like this. Is he a Nazi or something? WTF? I don't buy it.
I can see a dissaproving father getting drunk at their wedding reception and bloating out something like that. Trust me, I've worked almost 200 weddings as a DJ and seen some nasty family business go down. Even had to take the mic away a few times.
Gonna stick with it, though. We did have a sheep lady in the neighboring town that everyone here knew of. She was no witch. Just an eccentric old woman who loved sheep.
You're really stingy with your descriptions of the witch. I think this is a mistake. You don't need much but give us something to get under our skin.
I describe the sheep lady way too late, but that's the way I saw it on film. I need to write it better that you never actually see any of her features until the showdown in the ICU. She's really just a silhouette until then. It is a fault on me.
The backstory of the witch isn't particularly interesting and you don't seem to be particularly interested in it either. You even say she's supposed to be pure evil. I'm only inferring this but indeed, your bad guy really seems to have been glossed over.
First I've heard of this. the witch is the sheep lady in her other worldly form. Passed over. I thought the legend of the sheep lady was a good one and most felt it was nice and creepy. About her life before, I do skim over that because I go on way too long in that scene between jane and Safiyah as it is.
What also seems to have been glossed over is Jane's relationship with her parents. It's brought up twice, as far as I can tell. When it's brought up, it's with an appropriate amount of attention. I don't think it was your intention to downplay it but it is downplayed. As it seems to be a significant part of the story, I'd try to develop it further. The suicide element could be developed further as well.
was trying to show that Jane didn't have much outside of Tom and Sammy. They are her world. Trying to build the believability of her committing suicide. She's got nothing left. She's excommunicated her parents.
The impression I got was that you tried too hard to make them relatable. If you added more flaws and idiosyncrasies to them, it'd help remedy the issue.
I was. Maybe I tried to hard, but I wanted real people with real life problems. I hoped that would up the tension when they're put into harms way.
Absolutely. I'm not gonna jump into a rewrite on this right away. Just gonna let it settle a bit, maybe work on something else and then come back to it with a fresh mind and all these notes I've gotten on it. Just about everyone has said there's something really good in here, I just need to dig it out.
Thanks again, If I can return the favor, just PM me. Don't think I've ever read one of your features. I'd like to...
Absolutely. I'm not gonna jump into a rewrite on this right away. Just gonna let it settle a bit, maybe work on something else and then come back to it with a fresh mind and all these notes I've gotten on it. Just about everyone has said there's something really good in here, I just need to dig it out.
Hey James,
Sorry this one took so long to come around in my queue. Are you in rewrites on this or are you still marinating? Let me know if another read will help the cause out right now.
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
Sorry this one took so long to come around in my queue. Are you in rewrites on this or are you still marinating? Let me know if another read will help the cause out right now.
Regards, E.D.
Hey Brett,
I am not in rewrite mode for this, yet. Of course we all love reads, but I'm pretty confident the glaring problems have already been made aware to me by the other readers. Problem is, It would be a pretty hefty rewrite. Something I wasn't looking forward to and was hoping to avoid.
So, a look is always appreciated, but I'll bet your comments will probably fall in line with what everyone else had to say. If you give it a look, I'll re-visit Clone Wife for ya since you've re-written it. Or I could take a stab at ZP. up to you?
Two months later, I'm finally cracking this one open. I'm a tad ashamed of coming to the party so late. Better whip up some good thoughts for you then!
As to a return read, I'll take a rain check. ZP & CW will see rewrites this summer. And the new one, I can't post here.
I'm not going to read previous notes. I'll shy away from proofreading and format snafus, unless glaringly overt.
P. 6 I got very lost with the POV of the Damned thing. The V.O. was a bit foggy for me, which the POV deal exacerbated. Is the Damned the Buxton Man?
P. 11 By now is a good point to reflect on the opening pages... I'm told that Jane is our protag via V.O., but I don't feel that yet. She doesn't command that presence yet on the page for me.
Steamboat was cool, but if all that detail doesn't pay off later... Expect a wrist slap. There was lots of details in that scene. I don't feel that needed to be seven pages long. Unless we'll be revisiting that dilemma later in the script.
Same goes for the house hunting stuff. Seen lots of it in scripts. Did it need to be four pages? We got protag intro. Family intro. Corporation data on the builders. The well. And that's was about it. I'd like to know what Jane likes about the house so much.
I'm a little vague on the witchcraft element. Again, I'm, getting through V.O., very little on screen. Strange light sources and skeletal hands I think is all so far. So, all that leads me to being unsure what kind of story I'm reading. Is it ghosts? Feels uber Poltergiestery right now. Feels like a supernatural drama to me.
P. 15 The Sheriff's dialogue... "Fancy DNA"? That's way too rube for my modern day tastes. I find small town folk overloaded with reality show/narrative drama data. It might be good character color that he's OVER informed about those shows. No one in law enforcement thinks DNA is fancy. Forensic science is the standard.
And the typo thing... SHERRIF needs to be SHERIFF.
P. 16 The James/Colston exchange left me pretty perplexed. Seems we started with a little girl, then moved onto a dead guy in prison. And the bigot racist comment tripped my exposition alarm. Seems these two know each other well enough that the words were only for the reader.
P. 17 Alexa... the goth that wiggles. Curious first impression. Teen goth archetypes are typically much less animated. I like that it stood out against type. Let's see where it goes...
P. 19 I thought public schools/teachers had a strict code about religion in the classroom? Seems odd she'd let herself get drawn into a philosophical discussion roll call.
I'm stopping at page 20 today, one fifth done. My single biggest note is... this script needs CONFLICT.
Outside of the steamboat opener... there's only one sliver of character conflict. The classroom scenes plays out a familiar, but still effective conflict. And that's the scene that kept me reading. Even the sheriff scene felt monotone, he took away the paper, the coroner just fretted.
Your protag's had zero conflict until this classroom... Things are peachy with the hubbie. New home rocks. No strain/stress with the ill kid. Nothing in the way of personality flaws. No adversary to speak of. I'm having a hard time getting invested in plain Jane.
The pages read pretty well. But I'm starving for some momentum. I'll continue as my work schedule allows. Hope this helps.
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
I've already fixed all the typos and changed a few things, but not much. It will pretty much takeoff where you left it.
I ditched the POV OF THE DAMNED thing. Fixed the Sheriffs. Many more you will run into along your read if you read the old draft. I host the script myself and update it, but this link here seems to always pull up the old draft. I don't know why.
Two major things you've hit on already, is that the Paddle Boat doesn't play enough into the story. It takes up seven pages as you've mentioned. All it establishes is Walter being there and what happens to certain people when they die.
The other is that this starts too slow. I like the slow start because I try to develop real people with real problems that one can relate too. But i guess this is way too slow. The script doesn't start to take off until about page 40 roughly.
Anyways, thanks for the notes so far. You don't have to continue reading. I appreciate it, though.
Thanks for the link to the latest draft. I'll pick up on page 20 of that one and continue this morning...
P. 22 Haunted house exposition. The ghost witch info coming from a new character we just met. I'd likely get more invested in Jane if she discovered odd clues pointing to this. It's a bit frustrating to keep being told these things and not experience them.
P. 29 Mark has a beer or three... Seven pages of talking drinking heads is way too much IMO. Again, there's a lot of conflict discussed, but none of it plays out in the room. That's talking heads, bro. And not one peep about the sheep lady. Nothing spooky in the house interrupts their chat.
P. 34 Sheep Lady back story. All that data coming from a new character didn't hold my interest. I'd rather someone gave Jane a clue and she investigated herself. Talk to teachers, they usually have roots where they work. If I was discovering facts with Jane while she poked around, I'd be more invested.
P. 36 Putting on a producer hat for a moment... You may want to reconsider the well being a plot point. Folks may eye roll at that since it's close to The Ring series. Perhaps something more sheep/farm related would work better.
P. 36 Try to find ways to connect Jane to the house more. She's so removed from the story, bring her in. For example...
When Tom breaks the seal on the well... Jane gets a bad vibe wherever she is, same time. Like someone just walked over her grave or something. Making those kind of connections keeps folks reading IMO.
P. 41 Why the meteorologist? Just show us the weather conditions. Don't tell us what's coming, let our imaginations take hold. An ominous storm is coming. Watch the dark clouds close in. A little unexplained spookiness would help things along.
Finished for today. My note about the lack of conflict still holds true.
I want to know what is it about Jane that makes her the one to stop the sheep lady? What flaw does Jane have that will put her in the line of fire? I can't pick out any flaws of your protag family yet. And it's those flaws... over emotional, cocky, selfish, clingy, etc. Those are all the little ways we create potential connections with readers.
Hope this helps. I'll continue the script as work allows.
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
Picking up from page 41 today. This is where you told me you felt the story really kicked into gear. So let's check it out!
P. 46 Was disappointed to see Safiyah so casual about Bee's hysterics. I thought Safiyah was down with the supernatural mojo. Big storm brewing. Bee acting out. No spidey sense tingle for Safiyah? While on the phone... a unseen supernatural force creeps up on Bee... Safiyah gets a flash lightning vision of something evil perhaps? Stuff like that is classic tension building. But I don't feel any of that urgency here.
P. 47 Action description typo... A flicker of light reveal...
P. 48 Dig the cell phone imagery/witch reveal.
P. 50 Sammy saying he's probably going to die... Sounds like an adult to me, not something a kid would say. I'd more likely buy a scared kid asking a parent if they were going to die.
P. 52 Doesn't make much sense to me that Safiyah tries to convince the Sheriff to act. What's he going to do? He can't evict the Phillips. Safiyah believes that family needs supernatural help, not law enforcement.
However, I could see Safiyah furious at the Phillips. Let's say... She believes that the new family has brought the sheep lady back. She would confront Jane to expose her as a witch. Only to find out that Jane's innocent. That's the kind of common ground two strangers use to team up. That's conflict resulting in cooperation. Personally, I like that better than telling the sheriff what to do.
P. 55 Burning a half page on a 911 call seems superfluous. Show Jane starting the call then cut to Tom investigating. He gets the willies. Jane scares him when she informs him the cops are coming. Feel like we need more jolts on the page.
P. 56 Pretty sure it's standard procedure for 911 operators to get victims to flee the house. They don't need a sheriff to tell them that if a B & E is in progress.
P. 60 How does Safiyah know that Tom's a goner? It's stuff like that I can;t puzzle out that diffuses the scene's tension. Same with the sheriff's reaction to the head... Who's down there isn't my first thought when I see a decapitated head.
Finished for today... Things have picked up and there's some good tension... Despite the aforementioned pitfalls, it's good stuff.
However, I wish we got more story along with the scares. Origin clues sprinkled amongst the jolts would make you tale more addictive.
Hope this helps. I'll continue as my work schedule allows.
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
Thanks for the continued read and suggestions. Being my first feature, I did make a good deal of mistakes by not kicking this off faster. I like your suggestions about maybe having Jane connected to that house in some ways and having her investigate the sheep lady on her own.
Since I start this with a seven page scene, one that many have thought was unescessary, I kinda force the sheep lady into conversation by Mark. Surprised you didn't like much of those pages between Mark, Jane and Tom. Some did. Anyway, that was me trying to speed things up.
I realize now that I don't spend enough Time with Jane early on and it is an amateur's mistake. This whole script was really built to set up the climax, but it stumbles along the way.
Many people liked this better up until the carnage started and then I lost them a little. Some were just like you. Boring forty pages with exception to the paddle boat scene.
Anyways, thanks for the notes on this. Very insightful stuff for me to ponder when I think about the dreaded act of rewriting this. Hope you can continue on and remember, I'm here if i can return the favor...
Thanks for the continued read and suggestions. Being my first feature, I did make a good deal of mistakes by not kicking this off faster. I like your suggestions about maybe having Jane connected to that house in some ways and having her investigate the sheep lady on her own.
Hey James,
This is your first feature? Seriously? Wow. You're light years ahead of where my first draft of my first feature was. So, I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about this script!
I've learned that I can solidify my stories better if I know why I'm writing it. Usually, that comes out down the road, but it eventually surfaces for me. For instance...
Zombie Playground for me is a wish fulfillment fantasy about families. I always wanted to be accepted by a non-broken home when I was a kid. So, "helping" the protag in that story find his place connects me to the story.
Clone Wife is me dealing with changing things I have a hard time accepting. It's a trap to change things around you to "improve your situation". The thing we should be working on is ourselves. Not making others accountable for my shortcomings. My protag in that story has to learn that, much like I had to do.
As your script evolves, I'm sure a reason you latch onto will become clear. And once you know why you wrote something, it can only get better.
Just be honest with yourself about yourself and why you write. And I hope it helps you shape your scripts the same way it has helped me.
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
P. 61 I recommend being more descriptive about Jane's emotions here.
P. 63 I don't get why James is mean to Nick at first. The way it's written, James doesn't know that Nick is serving a summons. So, I'm left to assume there's another reason for the animosity.
P. 64 Safiyah should be more economical with bad news. People only painstakingly elaborate on bad news when they want to rub it in. "Our sin has come home." Something like that should be all that's needed. And that heightens the mystery for the reader too. Something like that would definitely pique my curiosity.
P. 65 Showing the conspiratorial element could be a better grabber than the boat. If that's the conspiracy, than show the planned arson and conspirators, etc. That would heighten the intrigue IMHO.
P. 68 Seems odd Jane doesn't ask the sheriff what the warning was about.
P. 72 I don't feel Jane's emotional heroism here with her parents. Because this is all new to me and I have no common understanding with Jane. I'm adrift in the scene without some context. For all I know Jane's a deluded b*tch here and her parents are nice people. Perhaps setting up this situation in act one can help establish Jane better.
P. 73 Safiyah saying her sister died trying to protect Jane's family is enough. These two have lost someone precious. Loads of common ground. Use it. Don't beat around the bush, we're in the third act now.
P. 76 If it were me, I'd beat the hell out of the realty agent for back story.
P. 77 Feel like Jane believes this stuff a little too easily. She doesn't have much personal supernatural experience with the story. Oh, the conspiracy had nothing to do with the steamboat??? I thought for sure their ancestors started that fire for some reason or something. Hmm...
Stopping here today. I'll finish up tomorrow.
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
P. 63 I don't get why James is mean to Nick at first. The way it's written, James doesn't know that Nick is serving a summons. So, I'm left to assume there's another reason for the animosity.
This is where I confused more than a handful of people. James is a known racist in the town. Sheriff Colston tells him that early in the script. His crime was falsifying evidence in a case where a black man was sent to jail and later died. Now their reopening the case. Nick didn't bring the court summons. He just kept talking to a miserable James who wanted him to leave.
I felt I needed James to be my "Hell-bound" character. Because i wanted to establish that the witch was afraid to kill him. She could see what was getting ready to come for him... The whispers in the bushes. So, she left him alone.
P. 64 Safiyah should be more economical with bad news. People only painstakingly elaborate on bad news when they want to rub it in. "Our sin has come home." Something like that should be all that's needed. And that heightens the mystery for the reader too. Something like that would definitely pique my curiosity.
Noted. Sounds better, but again, I'm trying hard here to setup what I was talking about above. Thats why I wanted the conversation a bit long.
P. 65 Showing the conspiratorial element could be a better grabber than the boat. If that's the conspiracy, than show the planned arson and conspirators, etc. That would heighten the intrigue IMHO.
The boat happened it 1850. In Safiyahs long meeting with Jane, my least favorite scene that I could find no way to avoid, she tells her how her mother and some others from the local parish trapped the witch in the well. In the 1950s was when the murders started. James was kin to some of those people. "It's what our parents did".
There was no conspiracy on the boat. It was just a tragedy that I used because I wanted to illustrate what happens to evil souls when they die. Somewhow the sheep lady beat the rules of death. when she died, God didn't notice, the Devil never found out.
P. 72 I don't feel Jane's emotional heroism here with her parents. Because this is all new to me and I have no common understanding with Jane. I'm adrift in the scene without some context. For all I know Jane's a deluded b*tch here and her parents are nice people. Perhaps setting up this situation in act one can help establish Jane better.
This is a concern. Jane's father is an ass. He told Tom he was a dope at their wedding. He told jane Sammy's condition because he was fathered by a weak man. This was covered in that long conversation between Tom and Mark.
I also wanted to show a tad of a character flaw in Jane. Her mother was collateral damage in the feud between her and her father. But, she wouldn't give in. She's very vengeful and stubborn like her father.
P. 77 Feel like Jane believes this stuff a little too easily. She doesn't have much personal supernatural experience with the story. Oh, the conspiracy had nothing to do with the steamboat??? I thought for sure their ancestors started that fire for some reason or something. Hmm...
Again, hope I cleared some of that conspiracy theory up for you. There isn't one. Just a witch on the loose hunting down the kin of those who locked her up.
As far as Jane believing it? I think she may buy into it at this point in the story. She just saw her husband murdered by something that shouldn't exist. She heard Walter's voice on the child monitor warning Sammy.
Thanks again, Brett. I wanted to explain that before you hit the climax. Hopefully it makes more sense. The fact that alot of people weren't sure what was going on at this point was my fault...
This is where I confused more than a handful of people. James is a known racist in the town. Sheriff Colston tells him that early in the script. His crime was falsifying evidence in a case where a black man was sent to jail and later died. Now their reopening the case. Nick didn't bring the court summons. He just kept talking to a miserable James who wanted him to leave.
I felt I needed James to be my "Hell-bound" character. Because i wanted to establish that the witch was afraid to kill him. She could see what was getting ready to come for him... The whispers in the bushes. So, she left him alone.
Hey James,
I recall some exposition about a scandal/inquiry. But I don't remember a scene where that conflict actually plays out.
The boat happened it 1850. In Safiyahs long meeting with Jane, my least favorite scene that I could find no way to avoid, she tells her how her mother and some others from the local parish trapped the witch in the well. In the 1950s was when the murders started. James was kin to some of those people. "It's what our parents did".
That sounds like it would be a much more relevant opener than the steamboat. Give the reader enough snippets of that to tease but no give away the plot.
There was no conspiracy on the boat. It was just a tragedy that I used because I wanted to illustrate what happens to evil souls when they die. Somewhow the sheep lady beat the rules of death. when she died, God didn't notice, the Devil never found out.
When I first heard conspiracy... My mind went to arson on the steamboat. Which intrigued me to learn more about the story. But it seems the real plot teaser is the well prison, not the boat.
This is a concern. Jane's father is an ass. He told Tom he was a dope at their wedding. He told jane Sammy's condition because he was fathered by a weak man. This was covered in that long conversation between Tom and Mark.
I also wanted to show a tad of a character flaw in Jane. Her mother was collateral damage in the feud between her and her father. But, she wouldn't give in. She's very vengeful and stubborn like her father.
Like with James, I know this through exposition. I think we got that detail at the funeral? Since I got it second hand, I likely filed it away and it slipped into the ether. But if an actual conflict played out viscerally between them, I'd likely recall it. It all comes down to conflict. When it's unfolding on the page, we're hooked.
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
Picking this up at page 77 and going to the finish today... Finally. LOL. Breaking it up like this helps me do detailed notes though. Time management is such a b*tch for me!
P. 77 Revisiting this scene today confirms what I felt yesterday... Shared grief for Jane and Safiyah is the way to go. It bonds them. Much better than "Mu hubbie's dead." Uummm, sorry about that." Bonding gives them a character arc and injects more humanity into the story IMHO.
P. 80 Think calling the sheriff is the wrong way to go here. Ghost witch shenanigans disable the phone as she calls the sheriff. Which means, Safiyah must spring into action to protect Jane. That makes her a proactive hero, instead of a phone dialer.
P. 81 Digging the witch visuals with the guards.
P. 87 A sheriff would say SQUEEZE the trigger, not pull. He's trained in firearms, no way he wouldn't know that.
P. 92 I wish Safiyah had more to do with the climax. All she really did was just call the sheriff.
Finished. I'm not a fan of V.O., but I thought you handled it pretty well. I think your ending would have much more impact if Jane was a flawed protag.
What if... Jane is a not so hot mother? And she knows it. The illness and all the perpetual care gets to her. Then when it's time to protect Sammy from the witch... There's this creeping doubt, because she knows she's not so good in that dept. Emotional conflict/flaws like that give a nice arc to your protag IMHO. Think about it.
Lot of solid work to build on here. Good on you! Hope these notes prove fruitful. Thanks for the read. Keep writing and rewriting!
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
Picking this up at page 77 and going to the finish today... Finally. LOL. Breaking it up like this helps me do detailed notes though. Time management is such a b*tch for me!
Not a problem, I understand. Just greatful for the notes. You really have a unique take on how to fix this up.
P. 77 Revisiting this scene today confirms what I felt yesterday... Shared grief for Jane and Safiyah is the way to go. It bonds them. Much better than "Mu hubbie's dead." Uummm, sorry about that." Bonding gives them a character arc and injects more humanity into the story IMHO.
I can see how that would improve the story. This is my least favorite scene as i mentioned. Where Safiyah tells her everything about trapping the witch. It's exposition heavy, but I didn't want to do another flachback.
P. 80 Think calling the sheriff is the wrong way to go here. Ghost witch shenanigans disable the phone as she calls the sheriff. Which means, Safiyah must spring into action to protect Jane. That makes her a proactive hero, instead of a phone dialer.
I really needed the Sheriff to go there. First and foremost, to let her convince him to give her his gun. I really like that conversation they have before he hands over his gun knowing that she is going to kill herself with it.
P. 92 I wish Safiyah had more to do with the climax. All she really did was just call the sheriff.
I agree here as well. I still need the sheriff to go to the hospital, but I should've had Safiyah throw caution to the wind and go their as well. Hoping she could help even if it cost her her life.
It was a mistake not to build on Jane more. I thought we could identify with her just being a pretty good, normal person. I understand it's textbook story telling to have your protag become better because of the experience, but this certainly isn't the case. I'm not sure if it would work making her overcome some own issues so she could kill herself.
I really just pictured her as a good person, victim of the situation she was put into. Who unselfishly gives her life to save many others, foremost her son.
I shot myself in the foot out of the gate by taking on such an ambitious story. To make it run smoothly would be a bear.
Ayway, I'm not gonna jump into rewrite yet. Don't know how close you've been following the thread, but I'm shooting a trailer for this. I think I posted a link to the 2 page trailer script on page 2 of this thread. I've already got some great video of the town. All shot on my 1080p worthy Canon. The editing and voice over will be the hard part. Probably gonna hire some pros to help me with that.
I just wanted to try a creative approach to getting noticed. I really believe I could make this go semi-viral because of the town name. Especially if I sock everyone on facebook and twitter without them expecting it.
Huge thanks, If I can ever return the favor I am in your debt. Let me know when those rewrites go up or if you want my input before you get into it.
Thanks for uploading WILLOWICK and for letting us read it. I feel like I’ve just read something that I will likely see on the big screen someday, and that’s the biggest compliment I can give. I won’t bore you with minor grammatical or formatting errors. You’ve obviously got a good handle on how to write, so I’ll let someone else handle the detailed crap. Hopefully, my suggestions will help you improve what is already a pretty damn good read. Looks like you’ve gotten pages of responses already to your script, so I hope I can add something helpful.
p.12, this is obviously meant to be the foreshadowing moment. The house is evil… the sisters basically say as much. Is it not a bit too much too soon? I prefer a slower build rather than just coming out and saying it. Maybe have the sisters walk by and give an evil eye. Or have them draw protective symbols on the sidewalk while they’re sleeping. I think the audience will understand the danger rather than them being so overt.
p.13, Hey, it’s Walter. He just showed up. Hmm. His appearance comes with little fanfare or spooky foreshadowing. And he’s sort of a non-entity, never really showing up again until the end. As he doesn’t add anything to our heroine’s fight, I would say scrap him.
p.30, I’m a stickler for something needing to happen by this point and the ‘I shit my pants’ scene is going on way too long. I’m looking for conflict. Should happen by page 25.
p.33, put ‘It’s Jane” on a separate line for emphasis, if you can.
The story of the sheep lady is beyond creepy. Pretty original too. Move it about 10 pages earlier.
p.36, I suppose you’re going to get comparisons to “The Ring” by using the well so much, but I’m not sure how else you could do it. Maybe the creep factor comes from a set of sheep-shearing scissors that are on the wall in the basement?
I’m wondering where Walter went. Again… I think he can be cut.
The creepy vibe is present throughout. I’m don’t believe in complementing too much in these reviews because it doesn’t help you as a writer, but I would feel inadequate if I didn’t mention how your writing is giving me goosebumps.
p.55, the witch’s ability to move only in the dark is mentioned here and recalls another horror movie and I can’t remember the name. But then her fear of the light is never mentioned again. You should probably drop this point.
p.56, I don’t like the Walter character but this baby monitor scene is seriously scary. This is the best stuff I’ve read.
Tom’s death was unexpected, and kind of anticlimactic for such a major character. His head is just bouncing around? Give Tom a better death!
James is obviously a man that needs redemption, but why did we not see him for 50 pages?
I think this had been mentioned by other readers, but the paddle wheel scene at the beginning doesn’t fit with the rest of your story. It’s cool, but would be cut by a budget-conscious producer.
p.79 great idea with the computer voice. Uber creepy. Another great scene that recalls the baby monitor. While some of your stuff copies from other horror films, this stuff is original and awesomely scary!
What was the deal with Jane’s students? Besides the goth chick’s appearance at the end, that was a pretty pointless scene. Why not have the kids educate Jane on the legend behind her house? Would get rid of the neighbor who is also kind of a pointless character.
I need to understand Jane’s choice to kill herself a little better. I understand it was to protect her child, but I need her to verbalize that this was the ONLY way to kill the Witch.
Overall, a really nice job with this. It has enough original elements to help it standout against the other horror flicks of the day. And the ending twist… a few rewrites would really help it become something truly memorable.
I feel like I’ve just read something that I will likely see on the big screen someday, and that’s the biggest compliment I can give.
One can only wish. I am not marketing this at all right now. It sits on the portal here at simply. I am shooting a trailer to promote it. Hoping Don will host it on the home page of this site when its done. Then will see if it gets any nibbles, in which case I'll probably have to do a rewrite, but as you've mentioned, I've got pages of detailed notes from friends here to tackle it.
Btw, congrats on Grief. That was a very well-made short and a nice one to have on your resume.
Or have them draw protective symbols on the sidewalk while they’re sleeping. I think the audience will understand the danger rather than them being so overt.
I like that idea. If I rewrite this I will probably scrap the entire paddle-boat scene to get this to kick off faster. Plus it obviously cuts the budget of this almost in half. I did alot of research for that scene and really like it. It is based on a factual disaster. The Griffith was the third worst maritime disaster in Great Lakes history. Still, they say to never fall in love with any scene in screen writing. They're all on the chopping block.
p.13, Hey, it’s Walter. He just showed up. Hmm. His appearance comes with little fanfare or spooky foreshadowing. And he’s sort of a non-entity, never really showing up again until the end. As he doesn’t add anything to our heroine’s fight, I would say scrap him.
Agreed. I didn't use Walter enough. Like I said, I would probably scrap him and the opening scene in a rewrite.
p.30, I’m a stickler for something needing to happen by this point and the ‘I shit my pants’ scene is going on way too long. I’m looking for conflict. Should happen by page 25.
The same has been said many times from the other readers. I like a bit of a shocking scene to start horror, then a slow build, but I took too long. Forgive me. It's my first feature. Professional coverage that I got from this brought up the slow turn to act 2 as well.
p.36, I suppose you’re going to get comparisons to “The Ring” by using the well so much, but I’m not sure how else you could do it. Maybe the creep factor comes from a set of sheep-shearing scissors that are on the wall in the basement?
Has been mentioned before as well. I can see it. But, I hope it takes on enough of its own personality as it moves on. They're really not even close to the same story. Sewers, wells, any underground dwellings have been used in horror stories for years.
The creepy vibe is present throughout. I’m don’t believe in complementing too much in these reviews because it doesn’t help you as a writer, but I would feel inadequate if I didn’t mention how your writing is giving me goosebumps.
Ha ha, Compliment away. I won't hold it against you. Thanks.
p.55, the witch’s ability to move only in the dark is mentioned here and recalls another horror movie and I can’t remember the name. But then her fear of the light is never mentioned again. You should probably drop this point.
If you figure out what movie that was, I'd love to know. The witch isn't afraid of the light, she just moves faster through darkness. It's why she blows up all the lights in the ICU once she goes after Jane and Sammy.
Tom’s death was unexpected, and kind of anticlimactic for such a major character. His head is just bouncing around? Give Tom a better death!
I struggled with how to kill Tom. I didn't want the witch to really be seen until the ICU scene, that's why I never really describe her until then. You see her silhouette a few times, but never her features. I like the unseen things to scare people. When she goes into the ICU, it becomes almost more of a creature feature. No longer am I trying to creep the audience out, now I want to rivet them with tension.
James is obviously a man that needs redemption, but why did we not see him for 50 pages?
James character's soul purpose was to establish that the witch was afraid of what will come for him if he died. She could sense something. The same things that took the man in the buxton hat from the boat disaster. She's afraid they will take her too.
What was the deal with Jane’s students? Besides the goth chick’s appearance at the end, that was a pretty pointless scene. Why not have the kids educate Jane on the legend behind her house? Would get rid of the neighbor who is also kind of a pointless character.
I have alot of religious friends. I, myself, am not at all. I explored the idea that suicide is a mortal sin. Came to find out that most Christians/Catholics have relaxed the idea that it automatically buys you a ticket to hell. The classroom scene sets up the idea that Jane knows what she is about to do is a sin and refuses to ask for the lord's forgiveness for it. It is that arrogance that gets you sent to hell. Most have agreed with you, but I needed to set these ground rules somewhere in the story.
I need to understand Jane’s choice to kill herself a little better. I understand it was to protect her child, but I need her to verbalize that this was the ONLY way to kill the Witch.
Thought I did pretty well here. Jane not only killed herself to protect her son, but to save him. It was her heart transplanted into Sammy. That's also why I killed Tom. And alienated her parents. Without Sammy, she really has nobody.
Again, super huge thanks for the read and kind words. Keep a lookout for the trailer. I'll keep a lookout for some of your work...
I've got a new sci-fi/horror script called The Visitors that Don should be posting any day now. I've been inactive for awhile on here, and it was nice to come back with Willowick showing me that there can be some good scripts on here. Still a lot of crap to wade through, but I suppose that's the same with any website like this.
I appreciate your thoughts on The Visitors whenever it's up.
I'm truly blown away that this is your first script! Are you serious? This is seriously good for a first-time. I look back at my first script (in 1997) and I wouldn't use it to wipe my ass. Man, you're light years ahead of other beginners. Keep writing. Good things will happen for you!
I'm truly blown away that this is your first script! Are you serious?
No, not at all. It is just my first feature length script. I've been reading and writing shorts for almost three years now. I actually wrote Willowick three years ago. Couldn't post it here because of the file size and glad I didn't. The first draft blew. So I wrote shorts for awhile. Learned a bit and just rewrote it.
Hey James, I just wanted to start by saying that I really enjoyed reading this - it does have some problems, but they didn't detract from an entertaining read. You certainly have a good writing style - very visual - and often paint a strong picture with your words.
I noticed some typos, grammatical errors and other minor problem, but I'm sure others will have pointed these out, and I wanted to concentrate more on the story and characters. Below are some of the issues I picked up on - I've tried to offer suggestions on how to possibly make improvements where I can.
OPENING SCENE This runs a little too long in my opinion, but the biggest problem is that it doesn't directly tie in to the main story. I know Walter features throughout, but a scene this long at the start should really have some link to your protag or antag. Later in the script it is mentioned that the Sheep Lady was brought to America as a child for protection - maybe she could be on the boat with her grandparents. Have Walter briefly encounter a young girl who wears a distinctive necklace or pendant that the Sheep Lady then wears later in the story. This could be yet another childhood trauma that she has survived, which has contributed to her fragile/unhinged mental state.
SAFIYAH'S VOICEOVER I didn't think the voice over at the beginning was particularly necessary and there seemed to be far too much telling instead of showing going on (especially with the description of Jane). Plus, it also gives away the ending!
THE HOUSE You should definitely give a better description of the house - have it in much more of a state of disrepair, which would help explain why Tom and Jane can afford such a huge place. At present, the realtor just says "Needs some T.L.C." Make it more of a mess - cracked walls, shattered or boarded up windows, doors hanging from hinges etc. Have jane see the potential in the place and convince Tom to go for it.
DISPOSABLE CHARACTERS You seem to have several unnecessary characters. Some do serve a purpose, but it is usually to provide exposition.
MELIAH - She seems totally redundant within the story and appears sporadically throughout. Cutting her character should be easy and will save valuable space.
JAMES - I get why you have him in the script, but he has so little to do it seems like a waste of a character. He first appears on page 14, and isn't needed in the story again until page 61. I don't see any reason why you can't combine his character with Sheriff Colston. Have the Sheriff be the man who falsified the evidence, and one of the people the Sheep Lady seeks revenge on.
MARK - I really didn't like this character. I understand his purpose (to tell the Sheep Lady backstory / have Tom discuss the conflict with Jane's father), but he just seemed way to convenient in the story. He turns up out of the blue and in no time Tom is best buds with him, sharing embarrassing stories and pouring his heart out. This is a very long scene of talking around a table, which is bad enough in itself, but afterwards Mark disappears to never be seen again!
If you want to establish the conflict with Jane's father, maybe have her mother turn up unannounced to see their new home. When Jane mentions her dad, her mum could say something like "Your father doesn't know I'm here". This could then lead to a heart-to-heart discussion about what has happened and show the bond between Jane and her mother, which I feel is necessary as she has such a crucial role at the end of the story.
As for the Sheep Lady back story - just have one of your other characters tell it. Perhaps Safiyah could try to warn Jane, but she ignores it, brushing her off as a crazy lady and then feels guilty later, blaming herself for Tom's death.
I'll try to get the rest of my notes written up later.
JANE I think Jane needs a bit of work. As your protagonist, her character needs to be a bit deeper. I agree with what others have said about her age. Her being a qualified teacher with a 7yr old son at 26 just doesn't seem right. If she was 5 years older it would be a lot more believable.
Also, she doesn't seem to have much of an arc or any inner conflict to overcome. You could possibly solve this by having a discussion early on between her & Tom where it's established that she blames herself for Sammy's health. Maybe she was a smoker who struggled quitting, and because she was still smoking early in the pregnancy, she blames herself for his heart defect. This would then add more weight when she makes the ultimate sacrifice at the end - not only is she saving her son, she is also forgiving herself.
THE WITCH I don't really like the name 'The Witch' that you use - it's far to generic a name for your main antag/villain. Also, throughout the scripts you have 3 names for one character (Yalda, Sheep Lady, The Witch). If I were you, instead of referring to her as The Witch, just call her Sheep Lady - it sounds much more like a character in a horror film.
I think the way that Jane stops the witch could be made clearer/better. At the moment, the witch doesn't even get hold of Jane until after she's blown her brains out. Jane also says "You're coming with me", warning the witch of what she's about to do before the witch has even lunged for her. It would work better if Jane let the witch attack her, lulling her into a false sense of victory before pulling the rug out from under her and killing herself. I also didn't get the spiders thing either. Although it would look cool on screen, it doesn't match in with what you had already established at the beginning when the man is dragged under the water by the black skeletal hands. These events should definitely tie-in with each other.
ALEXA This is quite a big issue I had with the script. When Alexa came back into the story at the very end I had no idea who she was. I had to go all the way back through the script to find her on page 20! This is far too big a gap to leave, especially as she's only briefly used then. You definitely need to include her somewhere else in the story. As she's so interested in getting her hands on the Sheep Lady's book, maybe have Jane catch her snooping around outside her house at some point. Even better, Alexa could be the one who fills Jane in on the Sheep Lady's backstory! Just an idea.
As I said before, I did really enjoy reading this. You have some very creepy scenes and cool deaths. The witch in full flow at the hospital was also a highlight. I love that you killed Tom off so early - it definitely caught me by surprise and set the tone for the rest of the script that no-one was safe. If you manage to fix up the few flaws that there are, I think you'll have a very good script on your hands!
Wow, impressive review. You pretty much sum up all of the problems readers have had with this in a couple of posts. I don't agree with everything, as to be expected, but I do agree with most.
OPENING SCENE This runs a little too long in my opinion, but the biggest problem is that it doesn't directly tie in to the main story. I know Walter features throughout, but a scene this long at the start should really have some link to your protag or antag. Later in the script it is mentioned that the Sheep Lady was brought to America as a child for protection - maybe she could be on the boat ...
The boat scene is going to get the axe. This is a good suggestion that I thought about trying to use before, but the timelines never worked out. The Griffith disaster happened in the 1850s and was very real. So was the golf course, and the construction company developing the town in the 1950s. It would've made the sheep lady 100+. I tried to be honest in some of the history of the town even though this is all fiction.
SAFIYAH'S VOICEOVER I didn't think the voice over at the beginning was particularly necessary and there seemed to be far too much telling instead of showing going on (especially with the description of Jane). Plus, it also gives away the ending!
I'm a voice over freak. Love em. I thought I was showing plenty while the narration was happening. Also, very surprised you thought this ruined the ending. Jane's description is an obvious tie to it, but nobody has said the dreaded... "I saw where this was going the whole time."
THE HOUSE You should definitely give a better description of the house
I'm not known for lengthy descriptions. I think they bog down reads and that's just my opinion. I try to give the reader enough to run with their own imagination.
Btw, here's a pic I took of the house a few weeks back...
Luckily, the people who live there are super cool and would be thrilled if I ever get this trailer done. Been running around town all summer shooting shit with my camera. And i do mean shit. Most of it has ended up deleted...
While I'm posting pics, here's a cool logo I've been wanting to show off that Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) did for me. Love it...
Back to your review...
The disposable characters are definitely under the magnifying glass. Mark is a total douche, nobody liked him, I thought he was funny, but that's just me. He's definitely on the chopping block as is that whole scene with the poopy pants and this and that.
Meliah does help set up some dialog with Safiyah. Aunt Bee can't talk, that's why I thought I needed her. Plus, she does a great job IMO setting up the that scene in Aunt Bee's house with the witch against the window.
James is the tough one. I'm not sure about merging his back story with the Sheriff's. I really liked the Sheriff and the way he handled most of this. I want to keep his integrity. I think I'm going to look for a new character here that has hell-bound sins for the witch to go after and maybe have that character be the one who tells Tom and Jane about the sheep lady. Gonna take some thought.
Alexa, I definitely want to keep her. I can use her more and plan to. Her character warrants a bigger part in this. I can foresee her being pissed with Jane for being sent down to the office and maybe, somehow, planting the bug in Sammy's ear that the house they live in is haunted.
JANE I think Jane needs a bit of work. As your protagonist, her character needs to be a bit deeper. I agree with what others have said about her age. Her being a qualified teacher with a 7yr old son at 26 just doesn't seem right. If she was 5 years older it would be a lot more believable.
That's already been fixed. Dammit, seems like everybody keeps uploading the first version of this script.
Also, she doesn't seem to have much of an arc or any inner conflict to overcome. You could possibly solve this by having a discussion early on between her & Tom where it's established that she blames herself for Sammy's health. Maybe she was a smoker who struggled quitting, and because she was still smoking early in the pregnancy, she blames herself for his heart defect. This would then add more weight when she makes the ultimate sacrifice at the end - not only is she saving her son, she is also forgiving herself.
Okay, this is where I may drift away from the Screenwriting gurus who say your protag should have an arc or inner conflict. I've enjoyed many a film whereas the protag is a better person because of the experience, but I've also enjoyed many where they haven't. I tried to give Jane's character some flaws, she refuses to forgive her father, punishes her poor mother by not letting them see Sammy. The kind of woman that, in my mind, is not to be fucked with. The kind of woman who would put a gun to her temple, take her own life just to drag the bitch who wants to harm her child to hell.
Your suggestion is a great one though. I never really thought about Jane blaming herself. It was always Tom who blamed himself in my mind. I'm not tossing this idea away by any means. I'm just gonna have to chew on it for awhile.
THE WITCH I don't really like the name 'The Witch' that you use - it's far to generic a name for your main antag/villain. Also, throughout the scripts you have 3 names for one character (Yalda, Sheep Lady, The Witch). If I were you, instead of referring to her as The Witch, just call her Sheep Lady - it sounds much more like a character in a horror film.
This is a tough one. The sheep lady does have two completely different physical appearances. The witch is a manifest of her in the after life, the sheep lady is just an old woman. I thought it worked for most the way I wrote it.
I think the way that Jane stops the witch could be made clearer/better. At the moment, the witch doesn't even get hold of Jane until after she's blown her brains out. Jane also says "You're coming with me", warning the witch of what she's about to do before the witch has even lunged for her. It would work better if Jane let the witch attack her, lulling her into a false sense of victory before pulling the rug out from under her and killing herself. I also didn't get the spiders thing either. Although it would look cool on screen, it doesn't match in with what you had already established at the beginning when the man is dragged under the water by the black skeletal hands. These events should definitely tie-in with each other.
Remember, the sheep lady was not a christian. A different religion entirely. And she mocks Christianity from the get go. She may not understand that many believe suicide is a mortal sin.
As to your second part, I just thought that when hell comes for you, it does so in different forms. Sometimes claws coming out of the water, sometimes spiders pouring out of elevator doors. Who knows, maybe the devil is creative like that...
Steve, super thanks for these notes. You've put alot of thought into this and your suggestions have really got my wheels turning. I've declared I'm keeping this flawed version as I finish this magnum opus of a two minute trailer, but I need to start the rewrite. Because If I get any interest in it, i need the leaner, meaner version of this ready to deliver.
Now, where is Ledbetter so I can go yell at his ass for being the only one not making good on their promise. . If he doesn't get to your script, I will. With notes like these I'd like to check out some of your writing...
Hi James, glad my notes have given you some food for thought! That house looks perfect - very creepy. I'm looking forward to seeing your trailer when it's finished. Great logo too!!
Before I start, just thought I’d let you know I haven’t read any of the other reviews/comments beforehand to avoid spoilers and frankly there’s a lot of posts to go through, so sorry if I repeat some of what others have already said.
I really thought your intro was intense and quite tragic. It’s definitely a grabber but upon finishing the script – I didn’t see the relevance to the overall story? I mean, I see how Walter actually died but Walter doesn’t really play a prominent role in your story so I was a little confused as to why your opening was heavily focused on this ship/disaster.
I really like reading character descriptions and feel you kind of didn’t really include all that much for Jane, let alone anything for Tom (other than his age, 34). I feel they’re set up as your protags so they should get a little more “description”.
This was definitely a slow burn – Jane and Tom weren’t really introduced to the witch living in their well until page 32. That’s fine with me, I usually trooper through slow burns, love them, but you might lose your audience. You really didn’t have anything “scary” or anything up until that point. I was unsure when the horror element was going to take place.
Page 32 – Haha. When Mark tells the story about the witch. Dude, I loved the idea of a psychotic witch “jumping” around wells into people’s homes and murdering them. Very frightening image to put into people’s heads. This was great.
Page 45-49 – I thought Aunt Bee’s “big scene” was pretty intense and written well. This is what I was definitely waiting for. You also introduced a POV through the witch. At first I was like hmmm interesting, I pictured it like “Evil Dead” POV through the woods. I appreciated it in a way – different because we rarely see a POV through a supernatural entity like this. Nice touch.
Page 53-60 – Terrifying stuff. Really. You killed off the sickly child’s father! Lol. Killing off one of your protags is really ballsy. I like ballsy moves like this. He was likeable but you had Jane as backup and she was a fine backup. I especially like how you had his head bounce around on the stairs.
Page 74/75 – Dialogue about brick dust seems verbatim as in “The Skeleton Key”. You may want to change it up a bit.
Page 76 – So they go through all the trouble to convince and even get the mayor to buy the house and they move into the house but they just suddenly convince themselves she doesn’t exist? Just like that?? Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh
Also I didn’t understand why the witch had to kill James’ bartender? Also I’m not even sure I understood the whole family back story with James and Safiyah and how the witch really played into their lives. The thought the ending in the hospital was suspenseful and fun to read. No complaints really.
There are some things I’m still “huh” on but I’m sure I’ll it another read to see if I caught everything or hell – I’ll read the 105 posts/comments on this thread and see what I discover.
Decent read James. Great writing and format too, imo.
A big apology from me for such a late response. Am always hugely thankful for a read, especially a feature. It takes me hours. So thank you, I just haven't been that busy about the boards of late.
I'm glad you liked most of this. I also enjoy a slow burn, but will admit I could've done a heck of a lot more with the pages I now feel were wasted.
No need to read the other comments, you were pretty spot on as to what others have said. I even dropped a couple of bucks for coverage and this failed there for many of the same reasons.
I've had a clear mindset of how to rewrite this for several months now, I just haven't brought myself to it. I do plan to tie in the boat scene better, many said to pitch it, but I'm not. I think with todays technology they could actually do a scene like that at a fair budget.
James' backstory and involvement with the family was clear as a bell... In my head. It didn't come out that way on paper.
This was my first attempt at a feature. It might be a little too personal. My actual hometown and some of my hard-edged philosophies on religion are displayed here.
I see you have a feature on the boards and have been doing some reading. I will try to get around to it soon. Thanks again!
Pages: 
Author
Willowick
Logged
How ironic.
Locked Board