Hey Darren,
Let me start by saying that your script was the one I was most eagar to read when looking at the 7WC thread. I liked the title and logline, this type of story is right up my alley to be honest with you.
Although I have to question why this in the thriller section? I would have classed this more Sci-fi horror but maybe that’s just me. When words like “wormhole” and “portal chamber” are in a script, surely this signals sci-fi?
The writing was good overall and it was a quick read, nothing major that tripped me up along the way. Reginald has already mentioned about the adverbs, there were a lot but I’m hardly a grammar expert to be fair.
I liked this for most part, got more enjoyment from the first half as the second seemed to follow the old formula of running down corridors and picking a character off one by one. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it’s a trusted formula but I would have liked to have seen something different, a new angle.
Like I say the first half was a good read, it moved at a nice pace and we learnt a lot about our protag in those first 10 pages not mention we got to the warehouse within this period, excellent stuff.
I liked the part with all the character intro’s and think you did an excellent job, they all had their own personalities and never came off as faceless background characters. I think what pushed this was the “flashback” scenes where they all had an individual interview with Anna, some good exposition here with back-story. However, I wish that you had done some these earlier in the piece as I thought it was a real tension killer in the final act and did take me away from the story a bit.
There some real good elements but they raised questions like when the creature let’s Anna live. this came to nothing and the reveal of the monkey’s which I liked BTW but it does raise the question of why Hayden and the others went through with human testing considering what they knew happened to the monkey’s?
The creature, although just a basic killing alien was well conceived and you gave it some great visuals which made its scenes very enjoyable, we all like a little gore and blood in movies right.
The characters were well done for most part, Anna and Hayden had a nice relationship and both were likeable as the protags. Dane, shall we say our “Burke” of your story had some great moments and I liked his scientific research matters more than people’s lives which was spot on for his character…only wish he didn’t die so early as I felt he was a more interesting character than either Pandit or Bernice.
My only complaint would be that I think Warner was a missed opportunity, killing him off (or not) first when you could have had him slowly transform while with the group. It would have been great to show his mental state changing, becoming more like the creature during all the chaos before the inevitable transformation near the end.
The ending worked, I too liked how you switched it back to the first scene at the park showing Anna just before Hayden arrives, and it was a nice touch and would work well on screen. I think “Cloverfield” did something similar but I can’t be sure about that.
Lastly, I think you did an excellent job with the FF genre, liked how you tried to avoid the dreaded “we” and adding some of the security footage as well was good thinking and broke up the scenes well. Yes there is the usual FF problem of why is the person still filming when everything’s’ gone to pot and they’re running for their lives but who cares about that. You did an excellent job overall for me because this is a hard sell and I never got bored or tired with the style you chose…it worked so good job.
Anyway these are the notes I took during the read:
P.1 “ANNA (23),” Believe you don’t need a comma after the age if it’s in brackets?
P. 2 “suddenly melancholy” No need for “suddenly” here IMO.
“INT. ANNA’S DORM ROOM – NIGHT” Thought the slugs could be a bit more descriptive here. What University? Where are we? Just a thought as it won’t take any extra space.
P.3 “She sighs loudly, the anger drains from her tone as she
purges her frustrations with a cleansing breath.”
Wow! That’s a lot of description for a sigh of frustration.
“A fizz of STATIC and she’s back, more composed this time.”
Is this straight away? There was a discussion about the use of “LATER” recently in another thread and I wonder if one is called for here, wouldn’t certainly clear this scene up?
“EXT. UNIVERSITY CAMPUS – DAY” Again, what university? Where is this set? Small details but can help the reader better visualize the scene and without taking up extra space.
P. 5 ANNA
So, Far Reach isn’t one of your
accomplishments?
Shouldn’t Anna be (O.S) in this scene?
P. 6 “wheel chair” Should be one word.
P. 7 “A deserted industrial estate” Superfluous IMO, we know it’s an industrial estate from the slug.
“a suitcase sits at her feet” How would we see the suitcase by her feet? I thought the camera was trained on her face?
P. 12 “Keppler (32),” Not capped on first intro.
“He notices the camera with a start” Confused by this line? What’s “with a start”?
“MILES VERNON” Why his full name and not “VERNON” It’s just the rest have been intro’d with one name? Maybe his full name comes into play later?
“(To Anna)” Thought this was unneeded. It should be obvious who he’s talking too.
P.14 “Dane, Vernon, Hayden, Pandit, Warner and Keppler take up
positions around the platform at the instruments and
computers and start pushing buttons. Bernice watches from
nearby.”
Some action segments like the one above would read better with some more periods to break it up. Something to look out for.
“DANE (O.S.)” Why is Dane off screen? He was just in the shot before?
“A low powered WHINE comes from the equipment about the
platform.” This reads a bit awkward. Should “about” be “above”?
“Like a lazy plasma ball” A “lazy” plasma ball?
P.15 “Anna staggers backwards” She backed off before, just be careful that she doesn’t leave the room.
“My god” You’ve capped “God” before, good to be consistent.
P.16 “off of it” Take out “of” IMO, reads better.
P.18 “INT. REC ROOM – DAY” Should this be a flashback?
P.20 “defibrillators” How many is she using? Think one would be enough.
P.22 “You fucking vulcan.” Vulcan? Is Spock there?
P.31 “She speaks quietly into the microphone.” Microphone? When did Anna start wearing a microphone?
P.33 “lap top” Laptop is one word.
P.35 “I’m gonna’” Why the apostrophe after “gonna”
“broken pool table” How do we know it’s broken? Is there a sign or something? Just a picky thought.
P.37 “his bloods came back clear.” His bloods? This should be “blood” like “his blood test came back clear”
P.38 “INT. DORMITORY – DAY” Is this still the security camera’s P.O.V?
“obviously” This isn’t a word I’m a fan of and it’s been used a few times now, mix it up with other terms during these
flashback scenes.
P.39 “Now I’m trapped there with him.” Reads all wrong IMO, almost like past tense.
P.40 “talking tech” They’ve done this a few times…what is it?
P.41 A massive space between the action and slug on this page.
P.43 “(To Anna)” Again superfluous, we know he’s talking to Anna. Something to look out for as this simple thing could shave off a half a page and that’s never a bad thing.
P.46 “an other” Should this be another?
“What just happened to Keppler.” Missing question mark.
P.48 “(To Dane)” Another example here of what I said before, this wrylie is unneeded, Bernice and Dane come face to face in the action before this dialogue so who else would she be talking too. It’s no biggie really but worth looking out for to save some space.
“tinny” Should this be tiny?
P.50 “off of Dane” Look out for this line “off of” as well, just think it would read better as “off Dane” Maybe that’s just me.
P.55 “the shot bounces and shakes” Think you missed an Anna’s camera P.O.V in this scene? Unless the security camera is bouncing?
P.56 “his collar bone shatters” Could we really see what individual bone shatters?
“the too small gap” I would get rid of “too” in this sentence, personally think it reads better without it.
P.57 “where Warner’s blood smears the floor” Don’t think you need “where” a comma would have sufficed.
P.59 “he pulls the pistol” Missing “out” somewhere in this sentence.
P.63 “Pandit carefully picks up a flashlight, feels the weight,
looks over at Dane with intent. Bernice sees Pandit and
shakes her head “don’t”.”
If the camera is on Dane, how would we see this?
P.66 “One claw crunches through the chair and severs Dane’s arm,
the arm and pieces of chair drop to the floor, he screams.”
Think this needs a period in there somewhere to break this sentence up.
P.68 “transfixed by it.” Transfixed would suffice here, no need for “by it”
P.71 “the camera points to their feet.” In this case shouldn’t the dialogue be (O.S)?
P.72 “his manner is grim” Take out that nasty “is” here.
“Dane’s gun” Personally feel you can now just say pistol now, it would tighten the action.
“The team head towards the stairwell and elevator where Warner
was taken.
They nervously check each corner, Bernice stays near to
Pandit, they peer into the darkened derelict offices.”
Some of the action in this final act can come off as repetitive now, like telling us they’re going past where Warner was taken. Seen that a few times.
“speak in loud whispers” Loud whispers? Doesn’t this go against what whispering is.
“hyper ventilate” Again, one word.
P.74 Some of these flashbacks, while good for background on the characters. I feel like they zapping away some of the tension, just a thought.
“They reach the bottom of the stairs.” That was quick, why did Anna just ask? Surely she would have seen the bottom of the staircase.
P.76 She thinks for a beat, back there, shakes it off. Unneeded IMO.
P.77 Just a personal one but I would try not to let the dialogue go over two pages, it looks messy IMO.
“Suddenly” Another word I’m not a fan of and I’ve seen it pop a few times now, it’s also unnecessary here at the start of the sentence.
P.78 “The CREATURE suddenly lunges from the ceiling of the corridor
beyond and drops into the centre of the room.”
How does the creature lunge down from the ceiling of the corridor into the centre of the room there in?
“The creature prowls into the room” Thought it was in the room?
P.79 “gets off on the third floor” Superfluous as we’re told this in the next slug.
“where Warner was taken at the elevator doors.” Yeah, think I know this by now. Why not mix it up with something like “Anna stands up, covered in Warner’s blood” Another way to get this info across without repeating the same action.
P.80 “PANDIT (O.S.)” Why is Pandit suddenly off screen.
P.81 “It’s a causal string emitter” Shouldn’t it be called a CSE then?
P.82 “Give me hand will you?” Missing “a” between me and hand.
P.85 “Anna follows Hayden” Huh? Thought Anna was running from Hayden the previous time we saw them?
P.87 “The elevator cage FALLS, CRASHES down upon the creature and
slices it in half as it passes.”
Wonder if a mini-slug “elevator shaft” would help break this scene up and make it clearer.
P.91 “the same scar as the one on Warner’s face.” Feel this line is unnecessary, there’s enough description and with the dialogue, it should be more than enough for the reader to work out who it is.
While I’m on the subject, I assumed Warner was beheaded in the elevator shaft earlier but I guess it’s wrong to make assumptions.
A lot of this is just picky stuff and nothing that harmed the read.
Overall I enjoyed this and think you’ve done an excellent job for 7 weeks work. A great story which was a fast read and kept me entertained right through to the end.
Great work and congrats on completing the 7WC.
Steve